Does The Queen HATE Black Michelle Obama?

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No, and if you’re wondering why your Wonkette has been posting stupid pictures and contests all day it’s because most of the “news reports” have been about how Michelle Obama, an Uppity piece of awful trash, “touched” (/shared a mutual quarter-hug with) old Queen Elizabeth, the divine ruler of the British Commonwealth. We hate to GO THERE but it would be nice if news organizations stopped being so racist sometimes. The Queen was not in danger (MAYBE). [YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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124 comments

  1. Zadig

    It’s not the DARKNESS that threatened the Queen, it’s that she’s a secret socialist Muslin.

  2. comradepaulson

    Maybe The Queen was choking on a huge diamond and the Michelle was touching her back to help get the diamond out?

    Or maybe Michelle is a Black Panther Sleeper Cell and was going to finally stab Whitey? (And how can you get more “Whitey” than the Queen.)

    Or maybe she was killing a bug on the Queens back?

    Or maybe our news media is a giant douche-sack?

  3. Cicada

    Yay stupid non-news stories! It makes me feel like I’m living in pre-Greatish Depression world. Remember Anna Nicole Smith’s death? Yeah, me neither.

    Good times, good times.

  4. cranky

    i really enjoyed watching barack and michelle treat her like a nice old lady. it was such an amusing mixture of reverence for her and affection for the unbelievably old.

  5. Zadig

    [re=280109]Zadig[/re]: *it’s that MICHELLE’s a secret socialist Muslin.

    Curse my unclear pronoun usage. The Internet Sheriff is already demanding I turn in my Grammar Deputy’s badge. At the disciplinary hearing I’ll probably argue that I can’t rule out Her Royal Highness being a horrible librul jihad subversive.

  6. Nerdalicious

    Prez & the Mrs. should have given Queen a silver framed picture of an IPod.

    Later on,Queen had to be given oxygen, because a strange lady dare touch her royalness. And that’s the rest of the story ~Paul Harvey

  7. Cicada

    I don’t think you guys understand why people are so upset.
    People aren’t supposed to touch the Queen because she’s FRAGILE. Do you have any idea how thin old-people skin is? It’s like tissue paper! You can tear a hole in it by blowing on it too hard. Also, her skeleton is made of matchsticks. Michelle could have broken a rib, easy.

  8. Mahousu

    [re=280114]Zadig[/re]: No, you were right the first time. They’re both secret socialist Muslins, and were exchanging terrorist back touches. Plus recipes for baba ganoush, but that’s only borderline terrorist.

  9. Zadig

    [re=280116]Cicada[/re]: This is exacerbated by the fact that compared to the Queen and basically everyone else in British government, the Obamas are from some mutated strain of Homo Giganticus. Hell, that goes for their car, too.

  10. Cicada

    [re=280118]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: The Queen is eleventy-billion years old. Old people shrink. Michelle is a tall drink of water, also.

  11. grevillea

    [re=280116]Cicada[/re]: Plus, what if she got anal poisoning? That can be serious for the oldsters.

  12. Texan Bulldoggette

    Did someone tell HRH that once you go black, you never go back? (Be scared, Phillip, be very scared.)

  13. OReillysVibrator

    England still having a queen, and Detroit still hosting a Thanksgiving football game, are the 2 poster children for abolishing stupid traditions.

  14. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    From the upcoming memoir, Our Life in Service by HRH Queen Elizabeth II:

    It was then that the mighty Negress reached down towards us like an Ethiopian Goddess from the sky. We immediately went flushed, as we felt feelings stir inside that we had not felt since we first learned to ride horses in our youth. We knew then that we must have her, if only for one night, before we leave the throne.

  15. Zadig

    [re=280129]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I was going to make some comment about a thrill going up Liz’s leg, but fuck that. Congratulations on your eternal conquest of the Internets. Your goody bag full of TruckNutz will be with the doorman.

  16. Come here a minute

    “Now we’ve met, will you please keep in touch.”

    Her royal highness not only gone black, she’s gone gay! The Obamas are making everyone gay marry, world wide! Wake up, SHEEPLE.

  17. grevillea

    [re=280124]Texan Bulldoggette[/re][re=280129]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: : It’s Her Majesty, people! HRH is for lesser princely beings.

  18. comradepaulson

    [re=280127]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Hey, I’m all for kicking the Monarchy to the curb, but please don’t take the Thanksgiving game away from us. We need that. I’m sure by the time Thanksgiving roles around, things around here will have gotten to the point where we’ll be roasting the players over an open fire for food. And that will be very entertaining for all of you to watch on TV.

  19. MC_Bob

    As an American of Norwegian descent whose ancestors:

    (1) Raped and pillaged England whenever they felt like it, and:
    (2) Kicked 18 kinds of dog crap out of England in two wars and saved their asses in WW II,

    don’t give a fuck about protocol regarding the in-breeder who happens to be King/Queen of England at the moment.

  20. fuckinredneck

    I am so full of RAGE that my Queen was touched. Freddie Mercury deserves better. Oh wait, different Queen? OK — she can touch that old broad as much as she likes.

  21. Cicada

    [re=280123]grevillea[/re]: [re=280128]Zadig[/re]: I have been away from the internet and Teevee for a few days and missed that particular little Rush nugget o’goodness. And yes, I did just google “anal poisoning”.

  22. Zadig

    [re=280136]fuckinredneck[/re]: It’s not like Freddie Mercury would have been interested anyway.

    [re=280140]Bearbloke[/re]: WHAT? Fuck no. That shit goes down ON HORSEBACK.

  23. Bearbloke

    [re=280135]MC_Bob[/re]: But, what about the Queen’s equally in-bred 2nd cousin, King Harald V of Norway (#62 in line for old Lizzie’s ass throne)?

  24. Bearbloke

    [re=280144]Zadig[/re]: Speaking as some who has fucked on horseback, I can say it
    made learning to ride (and learning to fall the right way) wayyyyy worth it!

  25. comradepaulson

    [re=280132]Come here a minute[/re]: Win. For giving the Queen the black AND teh gay.

  26. StrangelyBrown

    I think the real question here is: Does the Queen want to climb Michelle Obama like a redwood?

  27. SayItWithWookies

    I love how we can both pride ourselves on being the most (ahem) egalitarian society in the entire world and at the same time spend a whole day in a tizzy over whether it’s allowed for mere commoners to touch the queen. Like we think you get struck by lightning for defiling the last of the divinely appointed monarchs.

    Yes, it’s true America — it is forbidden to touch the queen. She’s not even allowed to touch the ground, you know. She rides around that huge palace in a velvet palanquin carried by blind eunuchs who have every inch of the floor plan memorized. As she is about to alight, a young virgin girl races before her, spreading a trail of spider silk, lily petals and saffron before her to carpet the vulgar Italian marble.

    So above mere humanity is the queen that she is not even aware that she has an ass. Such a word in her presence would have shattered like a banana in liquid nitrogen, so it could never be explained to her. So each time she defecates, she believes she is actually performing a meditation ritual over a chalice of holy water. As soon as she is done, a ten-year-old boy with wings grafted onto his shoulders distracts her by playing the harp, and as she stands up in delight, trained hummingbirds furtively wipe her behind.

    Now you see what a delicate situation Mrs. Obama has put the queen in. It may be confusing if she finds out that a mere commoner could touch her and not turn into a pillar of salt. What to do? I know — we’ll just tell her she touched Mrs. Obama first. It worked before. Remember on her wedding night when we told her “he’s not really touching you if you’re singing ‘God Save the Queen’ in your head?” Heh, heh.

  28. President Beeblebrox

    [re=280148]Bearbloke[/re]: Screw that. I want to see Queen Zara, who’s only #12 in line. And she’s not even a Papist.

  29. Bearbloke

    [re=280129]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: That dried-up hack Lyn Cheney is incredibly bitter about the superior quality of your hot juicy interracial lezzie slash porn – next stop, Penthouse!

  30. grevillea

    [re=280155]Bearbloke[/re]: “You’ve got it all wrong, son. You’re supposed to RIDE the horse to town, so you can fuck a PROSTITUTE.”

  31. Bearbloke

    [re=280161]Cicada[/re]: Jeezus! Why are you sending me a picture of Rush – you’re ruining my brunch!

  32. Vulpes82

    I love how American reporters and rightwing crazies, who wouldn’t know protocol if it came up and slapped the dicks out of their mouths, think this is a SCANDAL when the Queen and her various moldering courtiers/walking protocol encyclopedias don’t see a problem. God forbid Michelle touch Her Majesty! I mean, *gasp* she can’t trace her roots to Alfred the Great and/or Charlemagne, so she’s nothing more than a filthy commoner (read “uppity negress”). Who does she think she is, the wife (or “consort” in royal-speak) of the most powerful head of state in the world?

    I also love how totally the Queen fell in love with the Obamas after about ten seconds. After Dubya and his Drug-Zombie Wife, anyone else must feel a relief.

  33. comradepaulson

    [re=280158]SayItWithWookies[/re]: We ain’t her fucking subjects, we’re citizens. Technically, we can touch her as much as we want to ’cause SHE HAS NO POWER OVER US. THAT’S WHAT THE FUCKING REVOLUTION AND BOSTON TEA-BAGGING WAS ALL ABOUT!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SHOUTING!! TELEPROMPTERSSSS!!!!

  34. grevillea

    [re=280168]comradepaulson[/re]: Cool, I’ll be over in 5 to touch you all I want! Technically, if you don’t want it, it’s assault, but hey we’re all citizens here, right?

  35. Dreamer

    I really think the old queen wanted a terrorist fist bump but Mrs O did not get the signal.

  36. gliberal

    That freakish inbred little gnome has no business touching M’shell. That’s how people lose their hands.

  37. grevillea

    [re=280172]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Quit whoring out your blasphemous, puerile, awesome blog, you pimper you.

  38. President Beeblebrox

    [re=280173]Bearbloke[/re]: Akshually, I was hoping for another Cincinnati Bowtie from her.

  39. CaliforniaMike

    [re=280157]StrangelyBrown[/re]: Considering that Liz2 hasn’t had teh sex since 1952, it was a very strange moment. Also, pretty sure it’s the first time a wog ever touched her.

  40. smellyal8r

    At least this is better than that “shoulder rub” that Bush gave to Angela Merkel. Plus, on a positive note, the Queen reported that her sore middle back was now feeling “healed”. Hmmm….

  41. wheelie

    A few years ago, there was a mini-scandal when the Australian PM threw his arm around old Lizzie Windsor aka The Queen. I’m not a Subject of the Old Cow, but as I recall, the deal is that blokes should not fondle Her Maj, but certain Elite Ladies may grope her if they wish.

    As far as I am concerned, Michelle could gob on Lizzie’s shoes for all I care. That’s not an anti-British thing, it’s just that as a citizen of a constitutional Republic, I could not give a f*ck about special etiquette is treating these supposed elites.

    Fuck the Queen, is what I’m trying to say.

    IRELAND! IRELAND! IRELAND! etc

  42. Nerdalicious

    I just heard an old Queen gaffe on the TeeVee….The best evah!
    Stupid klutz Prez Ford (rip), asked Queen to dance back in 1975, & the band struck up:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmMyFCXIp0Q
    Yes, you heard it! “The Lady Is A Tramp”
    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    That makes the Mrs. gaffe zero/nothing

  43. wheelie

    [re=280191]wheelie[/re]: Moran. “could not give a f*ck about special etiquette in treating these supposed elites.” I regret this flaw in my rant. RANT! RANT! RANT! etc.

  44. comradepaulson

    [re=280174]grevillea[/re]: Technically, it wouldn’t be assault, because assault is the apprehension of immediate touch that is harmful or offense. It would be battery. Battery is an intentional touching that is harmful or offensive. But I wouldn’t press charges or file a suit, because I’d only get nominal damages and the court costs would most likely be more than the damages. Besides, I’m always ready to be touched by any Wonketter. I trust all of you have washed your hands.

  45. Bearbloke

    [re=280187]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Is that where she tittyfucks you with her strap-on? I just can’t keep up with you kids today…

  46. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=280191]wheelie[/re]: Now that’s the kind of republicanism I like! I don’t dislike her as person, I just dislike her as a concept.

    Incidentally, it’s weird to think that it was an Austrian PM and not Berlisconi who broke such etiquette rules.

  47. comradepaulson

    [re=280196]comradepaulson[/re]: And yea! My law school education finally pays off with one comment on Wonkette! I can tryz casez nows.

  48. Snarxon's Holler

    Did you notice how quickly Liz yanks her hand back after touching Michelle’s derriere?

    It don’t just look hot, apparently.

  49. One Yield Regular

    I am appalled – APPALLED – that that someone so clearly ill-bred and uncouth could DARE to put her hand on our Michelle.

    I expect to see the UK ambassador in my office tomorrow morning.

  50. June Cleaver 2.0

    All I can say is that Michelle is going to catch a head cold, because there is going to be a lot of happy hugging and kissing tonight. (and other stuff)

  51. Bearbloke

    [re=280191]wheelie[/re]: I’m with you! Fuck Monarchy. I once spent an evening (during a close-quarters bus trip) mercilessly ridiculing a couple of Australian guys about the then-recent nation-wide vote they took to finally rid themselves of their Distant Overlord, only to experience national FAIL when everybody wimped out and voted ‘no’ to democracy, republicanism, and freedom.

    Here’s a tune for you: Class War’s “Better Dead than Wed”, one of my all time FAVORITE pieces of musically-seditious (anti-monarchy) poltical propaganda… how can one not love a line that proclaims “my dancing shoes are being saved for dancing on a Royal mass grave!” – Enjoy!

  52. boy_howdy

    [re=280194]Nerdalicious[/re]: Better that than the time Hu-Jintao was in town and the band struck up the Taiwanese national anthem. That was a scary moment–a gaffe’s a gaffe, but you don’t wanna piss off Daddy Warbucks.

    Remember the first time Bush called on the queen? He brought along his own chefs (the UK press had a field day with “the five fajita fillers”) on the assumption that the food in Buckingham Palace was bound to suck, so he’d better have his own vittles. (“Yo, Blair! Mmmpf… smak… bring me some mmwwwmf more rolls!”)

    Try as she might, Michelle and her voodoo hands will never have quite the same grip on the world’s affections. Whenever Junior wasn’t tugging on Hu’s sleeve, he was groping Angela Merkel or kissing King Abdullah. He never could keep his paws to himself, whenever they let him out to play. (Not unlike Upchuck on MTV’s Daria.)

  53. prime ministress

    In Canada it is still a criminal offense to “alarm her majesty”. I shit you not – section 49 of the criminal code. The mounties will be waiting at the Black House upon Michelle’s return.

  54. jagorev

    Doesn’t count. This statement was obviously made under duress, because Rahm Emanuel was standing by with a chef’s knife.

  55. HomoPolitico

    You think that was a gaffe, wait until see the palaces return gifts.

    Lets just say, loose shoes was one of the items.

  56. NoWireHangers

    A touch from Michelle won’t really get the job done. Had Barry touched The Queen she would have lived another 50 years.

  57. Cicada

    [re=280211]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: I always forget that no amount of riffing on NOOBAMA THE EVIL MUSLIN on Wonkette can ever compare to the genuinely scary/hilarious freeper posts.

    You just can’t parody them because it is impossible to go to far. They have already done it, and crazier to boot.

    My fave was the Obama bowing to Saud + Obama not placing his hand over his heart for the anthem = 9/11!!!!!!!!!!

    Jeepers!

  58. Neilist

    [re=280229]imissopus[/re]: Damn you, sir! Damn you! You beat me to it.

    “Men of Harlech, stand ye steady!
    Fatso Limbaugh’s this way heading!
    Blow out his brains, with Martini Henry!,
    Welshmen never yield!”

  59. expatinOz

    [re=280200]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: [re=280213]Bearbloke[/re]: It was the Australian PM not Austrian. And you, Bearbloke, leave Her Majesty’s criminals alone or we’ll send you to Van Dieman’s Land.

  60. grevillea

    [re=280213]Bearbloke[/re]: No to democracy and freedom? Not quite. You’ve got to remember that in a parliamentary system the head of state is pretty much a figurehead. And the proposal that went to the vote was to replace the Queen with a president elected by parliament. In essence: dump Her Maj in favour of some retired hack the current govt wishes to reward. Most people just said, bugger it, at least the Queen is non-partisan, if we can’t vote directly just leave it the way it is. Oh well, break’s over, back down the Royal Saltmine…

  61. comradepaulson

    [re=280200]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Yeah, its not about her personally, for sure. The most annoying thing about it is the Americans who go ga-ga over the monarchy. It’s very ironic, historically, that the country that threw off the King with violence and bloodshed put Princess Di on the cover of People 10 billion times. Again, nothing personal against Princess Di or anything. I just like my meaningless celebrities to be elevated in a more fair way: who gave the casting agent the best blow job.

  62. confederette libtard

    Not near as much as conservative American’s hate her, which makes her all the more luscious.
    Who knew conservatives were such bastions of etiquette when it comes to the British monarchy and brown people? Not to mention, I just saw Obama on the Ice Fairy Anderson Cooper’s show, and Obama had a FOLDED BUNCH OF PAPERS AT THE PODIUM!!!!
    WHERE IS TEH TELEPROMPTER?!?!?!?!?
    How can he orchestrate world socialism/peace with out teh TELEPROMPTER!?!?!!??!
    He’s a communist, this proves it. He’s tryin to git mah gun. I need to pray, goddamnit.

  63. Bearbloke

    [re=280235]expatinOz[/re]: What’dya have for lunch, mate – the Royal brown-noser’s special plate?

    If you’re paying for the whole trip, I’d love to visit one of the most beautiful places on Earth…

    [re=280236]grevillea[/re]: You mean they chose to avoid becoming Canada?

  64. Bearbloke

    [re=280245]confederette libtard[/re]: Hey – weren’t they praying to their guns in that church scene from El Topo?… that didn’t end well, as I recall…

  65. shortsshortsshorts

    SHOCKING SHORTSIGHTEDNESS. TIMES THREE. SHOCKING SHOCKFULL OF SHOCKNESS.
    [re=280254]Bearbloke[/re]: 10,999 whore diamonds for you.

  66. gurukalehuru

    In other news, Senator Patrick Leahy said “We don’t really care about all the torture and stuff. In fact, we rather preferred being the minority party and taking it up the butt all the time. And, that time that Dick Cheney told me to go fuck myself? Well, I did.”

  67. grevillea

    [re=280251]Bearbloke[/re]: Let’s just say that a turd wrapped in a flag is still a turd.

  68. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=280211]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: ZOMG. The freepers’ comments…
    I can only tip my hat to the guy who has just come up with this magical equation:

    Obama not putting his hand on his heart + Obama leaning over to a Saudi = 9/11.

    You can’t bottle that crazy.

  69. boy_howdy

    [re=280258]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Ahhhh, but they’ve finally got the offending country right, despite themselves. Bawdy Ababia didn’t used to have anything to do with 9/11, it was simply the place where Jesusland goes to buyz teh oilz.

  70. thebeatgoeson

    [re=280129]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Are you by any chance channeling Jim Ward from the Stephanie Miller Show?

  71. tug

    Just to let you know that a former prime minister of Australia, Paul Keating was lambasted by all and sundry (especially sundry) for putting his arm around HM Q2 (guiding her into a room rather than giving her a hug) when she visited Australia in 1992. He earned the nickname Lizard of Oz.

  72. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=280268]tug[/re]: Guiding is a lot more uppity than hugging. Ironic, huh?

    Rumours from the Guardian’s commenters:
    1) The Queen initiated the hug
    2) Apparently the Duke asked Obama what he;d been doing and he said: “meeting President Hu of China and President Medvedev of Russia”, to which the Duke replied: “Can you tell the difference between them?”

  73. schvitzatura

    [re=280229]imissopus[/re]: Remember Rorke’s Drift! Remember Isandlwana!

    Send a dispatch rider to Ben Disraeli! The bloody wogs have overrun Grosvenor Place and the Mews, taken down the Wellington Arch and are flanking the New Guard along Constitution Hill pathway!

    Oh, never mind…

  74. TGY

    What century is this, again? I forget.

    Besides, I’d hug someone who just gave me an iPod, too.

  75. TGY

    Also, what does QEII have to do with Divine?

    And the MSM can all GO TO HELL, GO TO HELL AND DIE for being in a tizzy over this. It’s like the Paris Hilton news stories of our day.

  76. Johnny Zhivago

    Michelle should have walked up to Queenie, bitchslapped her and said “that was for Diana, you miserable old cokney slut”

  77. DC Hates Me

    Breach of Protocol (1992)

    Genre: Political Thriller

    Plot: African Zulu subversives infiltrate presidency to poison the Queen of England’s anus. Spoiler alert!

    Tagline: An Ipod full of Death

    CAST:
    Denzel Washington … President Barack Obama
    Thandie Newton … First Lady Michelle Obama
    Queen Elizabeth II … Himself
    Ed Henry … Not Himself

    User Rating: ** ——–

  78. Hello Sunshine

    [re=280211]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: “No President of the US should bow down to any foreign leader. If anything they should bow to us. We have save much of the world over the years of our existence and we should never show subservient to anyone.”

  79. hoosiermama

    Johnny Z.: Michelle has that look on her face that says “I’m about to haul off and bitch slap you” anyway, so it would have worked. And she would have looked fabulous doing it!

  80. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    [re=280278]DC Hates Me[/re]: Thandie Newton! C’mon man, that is just plain wrong. Angela Basset plays Michelle Obama. She has the arms for the job. See “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” for clarification.

  81. Schadenfried

    [re=280211]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Really? Wasn’t Bush tossing King Saud’s salad for oil during his Administration.

  82. Schadenfried

    [re=280144]Zadig[/re]: But this is Michelle we’re talking about, Freddie might mistake her for “Supermodel of the World”, Ru Paul.

  83. Terry

    [re=280118]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]:

    Did you see the photo with all four of them, Barry, Michelle, Queen, and Prince Phillip? For some reason I thought Phillip, bastition of ethnic tolerance that he is, was a tall man. Nope. Evidently, the Queen is the approximate height of a garden gnome and he could have considered a career as a jockey.

  84. Origami

    The wingnuts and idiots on the teevee are upset not because this is a breach of some old fashioned protocol they just heard of, but because a NEGRESS (aka A BLACK WOMAN) touched a WHITE ANGEL (aka A WHITE WOMAN). Next thing you know, dainty white ladies will be greeted by their black female acquaintances with hugs and maybe even French/Muslin kisses on the cheek! The horror of benign human contact! WE MUST PROTECT OUR WOMEN.

  85. Custersdeadhorse

    [re=280118]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Michelle is 5’11″ according to some news report I read recently.

    Michelle hugged Her Royal Highness while stating that when she tires of being First Lady in America she intends to assume the throne and rule Britannia. Hillary will takeover Bosnia, also!

  86. JSDC007

    The old Queen is now bless-ed.

    The texture of her arms will no longer resemble Yorkshire pud, but shall be firm and ripe and youthful like the buttocks of her grandson, Hot Prince Ginge.

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