Terrible ‘Real World’ Show Likely Headed To DC

  kill them

Ugh.We have a bad feeling about this: TeeVee atrocity The Real World, which basically invented “reality television” about 15 years ago, in San Francisco, when this fucking bike messenger with tattoos on his legs would show up to what had been fun bars, and then people would say, “Oh that is the bike messenger from teevee’s The Real World,” is probably coming to Washington with its would-be famous young people with no talent. You will see these people in the bars and cheaper restaurants, and you will know them by the MTV production van and fat camera guys following the kids everywhere, and sticking those very bright hideous annoying lights in your face, when you are trying to have a fucking drink somewhere.

Gawker had a little poll up the other day, “Where will this show go next?”, etc., and your editor voted for D.C., because of the cities on the list, none had any current zeitgeist going. Washington, though, you may remember, has a BLACK PRESIDENT, and many celebrities were here on a cold day in January, and now Washington is so cool, suck it Brooklyn, &c. Even America’s stupid glossy celebrity gossip magazines have exchanged what’s her name, “I’m a sad clown nobody will get me pregnant,” the one the one guy left for the hot gal who was Tomb Raider, with Michelle Obama as the cover celebrity of choice. So, obviously, the Pop-Culture Research Professionals at Viacom-MTV were going to say, “Oooooo, let’s do Washington. Obama!” And then the other Research Professional Team Members probably all said “OBAMA!” like they were at, who knows, a sports bar. High five.

If you see any The Real World people, just cold beat the shit out of them. Wonkette will, in fact, pay a hundred-dollar bounty for the head of a The Real World D.C. cast member. (Must be dead/detached.) [Gawker]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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81 comments

  1. NoWireHangers

    Ooh, maybe the Real World D.C. will take their drunken antics to The Country Club for some LNS douchery.

    Also, while San Francisco was by far my favorite Real World season, New York was in fact the first.

  2. Rush

    The world does not need any more “Pucks” – but thanks for sharing that MTV is still on the air – had no idea it existed after Duran Duran.

  3. norbizness

    Old-timers like me remember Season 1 as semi-compelling and Seasons 2 through 948 as metacommentary-laced fucking garbage. At least we tried making their lives miserable in Austin; I think they were shacked up near a Spaghetti Warehouse downtown, so it must have smelled like mediocre-to-awful Italian food up in that place 24/7.

  4. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=279643]NoWireHangers[/re]: I was a little ashamed of my Real World knowledge until you typed that. Sadly, I can name all of the people in that picture.

    I feel so dirty.

  5. AngryBlakGuy

    …Wonkette should have it own “Real-World-esque” reality show. We all sure as hell drink enough; and by “we” I mean ME!

  6. magic titty

    They’ve invaded my fair city three times already. So suck on it, DC. This was long overdue.

    Oh btw, “I’m a sad clown nobody will get me pregnant”, just does it for me. Fucking grand.

  7. norbizness

    Even worse: Real World reunions. Here’s my idea for the next one.

    Cast Member from Real World Des Moines: “Wow, it’s good to see everyone again.”

    Cast Member from Real World Midland/Odessa: “Yeah, well, I’m still living with Mom and Dad.”

    Cast Member from Real World Winnipeg: “Say, why is this reunion room so small?”

    Cast Member from Real World Shreveport: “And why are there no cameras?”

    (Doors lock, poison gas starts coming through the vents)

  8. AngryBlakGuy

    …errrrrr, Ken?! You might wanna be careful with the whole “bounty on their heads” thing, particularly in this economy!

  9. Iggy Plop

    I would pay money for a *living* detached head. Let’s just say I need props for my personal renactment/homage of Reanimator.

  10. Nerdalicious

    One word “Ugh”

    According to the TeeVee, D.C. is now the cool capital of the U.S. hence they are not welcome.

  11. BillyClubb

    … is probably coming to Washington with its would-be famous young people with no talent.

    Would-be famous? No talent? They’ll fit right in.

  12. Hart88

    location: rooftop penthouse in Penn Quarter, with a killer view of the Capitol
    cast: insufferable 20-something Hill staffers, plus Larry Craig

  13. AngryBlakGuy

    …does anyone know if they looking for a 28 year old “AngyBlakGuy”, because I am available?! I know generally they prefer a “Militant Black Guy”, but I can fake it!

  14. freakishlystrong

    This can’t be true..there aren’t any pools/hottubs in DC for them to drink/cavort, sorry, still giggling at Must be dead/detached

  15. heroinmule

    This show used to occasionally be entertaining until they stopped casting fat/ugly people.

  16. Swampwitch

    The Real World is okay for about 30 secs of laughs when something “dramatic” happens, and some idiot cast member seizes the opportunity to show a “range” of emotions. The better to be cast as an actor in a non-reality show.

    I would travel to DC just to hit them.

  17. MARCdMan

    [re=279643]NoWireHangers[/re]: They won’t be allowed in, Real World is about gays, liberals and rednecks.

  18. Vulpes82

    But if DC is “Hollywood for ugly people,” will there be enough “hot” bars for them to get drunk at and have random hook-ups in?

    Oh, and as was pointed out before, New York was the first season, followed by LA, and THEN San Francisco. Get your facts straight, Layne!

  19. Mild Midwesterner

    They’ll probably end up living in Adams Morgan or Columbia Heights. Sorry you guys, but I’m glad they won’t be in my neighborhood.

  20. MathewBrooks

    This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to live in a Casino!

    Real world Las Vegas BEST SEASON EVAR…

  21. Nerdalicious

    Chuck Roberts of Headline News fame just gaffed “Obama gave the Queen an IPod loaded with broadway show teens”.

    Freud is now turning in his grave.

  22. The Cold Sea

    What is this Em Tee Vee you speak of? Does it Twitter or blog? ‘Cause that’s all that matters.

  23. Schadenfried

    [re=279676]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Unfortunately, someone took that seriously. He has a kid.

  24. Gorillionaire

    [re=279646]norbizness[/re]: A warehouse full of spaghetti? Now THAT’S a fuckin TV show!

  25. TGY

    The ‘Real’ World? Goes to D.C.? Fake! Fake!

    [re=279695]Nerdalicious[/re]: The Queen can now institute a new royal office: Gentleman of the iPod. Good for a K., certainly. “We wish to have Sir Stanley fetched to make the little box speak, again.”

  26. chascates

    The real smack-down will be Real World DC vs Westboro Baptist Church vs Late Nite Snots.

    And maybe Code Pink.

  27. ColHeightsChic

    I can already see the creative meeting around some table at MTV headquarters:
    I hear that Georgetown is a super cool, super happening neighborhood with this oh-so-trendy underground club called Late Night Shots. We totally have to get a house there and then totally have to get a LNS member in the house. Totally. OMG, totally!

    I thought they tried to do this a few years ago with a house at 18th and Kalorama. Because Adams Morgan wasn’t f-ing annoying enough already….

  28. Nerdalicious

    [re=279705]TGY[/re]:
    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    Prez should have given Queen a silver framed picture of an IPod.

  29. pundid

    Okay, yes, the Real World is a piece-of-shit show and has been for years. But I think it’s just slightly out of line to lump Pedro Zamora in with these twats (especially under the headline “KILL THEM”), considering that he possessed discernible traces of humanity and actually gave a shit about helping people.

    … now where should I put this soapbox?


  30. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=279689]Vulpes82[/re]: My facts go like this: I don’t watch these shows, but one of them was made in San Francisco one of the times I lived there, and there was some bike-messenger cunt stinking up my bars. Therefore, the show was “invented” then and there.

  31. AngryBlakGuy

    …if we are lucky the Real-World house will be located in Anacostia! Now that would be interesting!

  32. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=279701]Schadenfried[/re]: Ye gods, that’s horrifying. Who’s the father? Ann Coulter?

  33. PerhapsSo

    PUCK PUT HIS FINGER IN THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!

    (I was going to type it with the Pedro accent, but I just couldn’t get it right.)

  34. Vulpes82

    [re=279738]Ken Layne[/re]: OMG, I’ve been noticed by Our Fearless Leader! I can’t tell you how pathetically happy that makes me, even if said notice is basically being taken to the woodshed. But then I don’t mind the woodshed; beards and tortoises make me hot.

    Anyway, what are the Vegas odds on a DC season having at least one closeted Republican douchesack?

  35. PerhapsSo

    [re=279740]Ken Layne[/re]: If it makes you feel better, at least one of the guys in the picture is already dead.

  36. CampbellBrown'

    AngryBlakGuy: [re=279648]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: You can be the dude who get thrown off in the fourth or fifth episode after getting into a fight with one of the girls.


  37. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=279760]Vulpes82[/re]: oh guaranteed. that will be the “drama.” it will be like “family ties,” but with stupid 20-year-olds.


  38. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=279761]PerhapsSo[/re]: But how many were/on the show? That’s how many need to die.

  39. PerhapsSo

    [re=279757]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: His wife’s name is Betty. They met at a farmers market and married on an episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes. His kids are named Bogart and Rocco.

    And now someone in IT is wondering why I am on the wiki pages for Real World III cast members.

  40. 2druk2phluq

    My plan to live in the most boring place in the world suddenly doesn’t seem so crazy. There’s no Real World: Kansas Corn Field in the works. [at last, a reason not to start the car with the garage door closed and just drift away...]

  41. Schadenfried

    [re=279791]PerhapsSo[/re]: Hey, I don’t feel so bad going on the Wiki Pages myself. I also found out the the Republican District Attorney in some city in Wisconsin was also on the Real World.

  42. Cicada

    I can not fucking believe this. I lived in SF during one Real World season, then the stupid MTV Sorority Life show filmed on my college campus, and now I’m in DC for less than three months and this shit happens.

    WTF. No really, WTF?

  43. himalayancorpseeater

    when those d bags came to austin, we broke one of their jaws on episode 1. good luck, mtv will take all the fun away from your city.

  44. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    [re=279749]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
    They already filmed “The Mad Real World” there.

    And you sit DOWN when you pee!

  45. CorkPopper

    I work in NYC and whenever I see a camera and a person who appears to be doing “man on the street” interviews, I duck my head and walk in the other direction. Because who the fuck wants to be on TV, possibly looking and sounding stupid for all eternity. I will never understand these people.

  46. CivicHoliday

    i dunno, could make for fun drinking games…

    first one to get an invite to the real world palace for sloppy unprotected sex from a smashed and horny cast member wins a bottle of fine whiskey! a second bottle if they actually follow through and get an STD in the process!!

  47. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Please oh please oh please, let them come to East Tennessee! They can all shack up at Zach Wamp’s crib, visit Oak Ridge for a nice nuclear tan, and then get buttsecked by some gap-toothed yokel at Dollywood while Duelling Banjos plays in the background.

  48. lumpenprole

    haha. Before I got to the end of the post I was thinking, “wouldn’t it be cool if the people who actually like their cool hangouts started harassing the hell out of those awful drama queens.” I was thinking of throwing food, but decapitation will do.

  49. lumpenprole

    I love the sad clown. I’d rather lose a finger than watch anything she’s in, but she’s an awesome mix of hot, cute and sad clown. Her “thinking is hard” face is adorable.

  50. NoWireHangers

    [re=279647]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Did you know Pam and Judd got married in real life?!!1!

  51. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=279699]facehead[/re]: WILL DO, SIR.

    I avoided this post because I hate the Real World so goddamn much, and they started in my City, and it is true that bike messengers around here are dirty scum. But to see Ken Layne agree makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Also.

  52. Esmeralda

    I’m not terribly worried about this. DC is overrun by obnoxious mid-twentysomethings looking to get drunk and laid anyway. Will we even notice if the Real World is here?

  53. Joey Ratz

    [re=279691]TheNavOne[/re]: [re=279889]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: “The Real World: Detroit”?

  54. Crab1

    When RW filmed in New Orleans I remember the great welcome my local hangouts gave those turds. At St. Joes they were literally booed very loudly from the moment they walked in the door until cheers erupted 10 minutes later when they left, then strangers were hugging and high fiving. It was a thing of beauty. Legend has it also that everyone in Le Bon Temps went silent and would not talk. Not even the bartender would acknowledge them.

  55. Chris@HalogenLife.com

    1) What’s a Puck?
    2) For that matter, What’s MTV?
    3) Why so srs? This is merely a test of patience and creativity. Let’s make a game of this situation. Let’s capture three members of the cast of The Real World DC (which sounds oxymoronic) and three of the douchiest Hill interns we can find and pit them against each other in heated battle. I can see it now: BlackBerries and badges will be flying; ropes of pearls and pastel polo shirts with popped collars will be used as strangling devices; a barrage of “Wut bro?” and “C’mon bra!” war cries will echo in the streets.

    How about The Real world Middle of the Ocean? We can still use the DC cast members (and even throw in a boatload of interns, to boot).

  56. thefrontpage

    And Lifetime is reporting that its new situation comedy series, “Hill Boys,” has wrapped production on its initial 13 episodes, with pilot slated for debut in September, ’09. “Hill Boys,” produced by Gus Van Zant, stars Harvey Fierstein, Nathan Lane, Mark Foley, Don Sherwood, Larry Craig, Gary Hart, Eliot Spitzer and Ted Stevens as a group of wild and crazy, but likeable, Congressmen who share a big house on Capitol Hill, and, according to “Lifetime,” “the show explores in-depth the unique dynamics of a group of dynamic, powerful, energetic men who roam the corridors of power during the day and mingle among the elite at various D.C. exclusive clubs, bars, restaurants, organizations, meetings, conferences and symposiums at night, enjoying the unique mix of social life, government and politics that only Washington can offer!” The series also features cameos by real-life D.C. government officials, playing fictional characters. Larry Flynt and Al Goldstein are co-producers.

  57. thefrontpage

    Is that old MTV thing still on the air?

    They need to bring back the original deejays, yes, as in disc jockeys, not “veejays.” Especially Martha Quinn and Nina whatshername. MTV nosedived when Martha and Nina left the air. About several million people stopped watching then–and never went back.

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