Wonkette
Let it never be said that the Washington Post’s Lori Montgomery can’t write a killer first sentence: “After getting blasted last week for presenting a budget plan light on details, House Republicans today unveiled a more complete proposal that would cut taxes for business and the wealthy, freeze most government spending for five years, halt spending approved in the economic stimulus package and slash federal health programs for the poor and elderly.” In other words, while last week’s version only included, say, “We will kill puppies,” this week’s adds, “We will kill 47 puppies.” [Washington Post]
Sounds like the GOP wants to go “Full Reagan”
…Republican budget: Tax Cuts + WAR!!! = Profit
“Basically we want to give the corporations and the rich more money while simultaneously giving the middle class, the poor, and the really fucking poor less money. Also, we’d also like to slash funding for all public programs, then sit back and stroke our dicks while the economy comes back more virile than ever. Also.”
I think the better first sentence would have read: “After getting blasted last week for presenting a budget plan light on details, House Republicans today unveiled a more complete proposal that would just basically be the same shit, different day.”
Next week’s GOP release will elaborate - said 47 puppies will be killed as follows: 19 by strangling, 14 by drowning, 11 with a hammer to the brain, etc.
That’s like asking for anal after being denied a BJ.
NoWireHangers: shit, the poor people can just hunt and eat spotted owls and wolves and stuff. And the libruls always talk about getting people outside and in nature more, so what is their problem?: poor people without houses get to camp! Outside!
Privatize Medicare. Oh that’s a great idea, just like privatizing Social Security. Don’t fuck w/the oldsters, Boehner. They’ll come get ya. It’ll take ‘em a while, because they need new batteries for their power chairs. But they’ll be a’coming.
Ever notice how nobody who has “socialized medicine” (people in the military) or a single-payer system (Medicare, Canuckistanis) wants to give it up, no matter how much they might like to complain about it? Why do you suppose that is?
NoWireHangers: correction: sit back while the invisible hand strokes our dicks…
The WaPo story has the lede from hell.
However, I think it the duty of every good citizen to advise the House Republicans to fuck off and die. Also.
In other news, wifebeaters across America promise their spouses that they have changed, will be better to them.
Freedom’s just another word for lettin’ losers lose….
Hey poors, just PRAY you don’t get sick! Costs nothing!
Nice proposal…for me to poop on!
That’s a big “screw you” to their critics who sneered that bad ideas were worse than no ideas at all.
You left out “and assault rifles for all.”
Oh, a baseball bat..with a rusty nail in it. Clarification. Thanks so much.
Math was never Galt’s strong suit…
They should start pretending to want to do the fringe stuff that Dems are putting off, like overturning Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, or legalizing pot or whatever. Their base will go along because it’s Big Brother doing it, so it must be okay.
Anal poisoning with a side of epic fail and also ya basturds
In other news, shit still smells. Also.
Them poors just need a little tough luv. Mebbe they will figure out it is stoopid to be poor. Like when Bush was President life was great and being rich ruled. Got to incentivize those lazy folks.
grevillea: Costs nothing is right. It costs those lazy, disease infested Poors nothing while Uncle Sam picks up the tab! They think they can just show up to the emergency room with a severed, gangrened limb and expect hardworking Americans to pay the bill. Not in my America!
Uh-huh, yeah, the GOP’s awesome plans have worked so well in recent years…it’s like having the “faith” to hand your car keys over to the drunk brother-in-law who wrecked your car last time!
2goats: NoWireHangers: BOOTSTRAPS! Pull their stoopid poor selves up by them!
So the Republican plan is:
Are you
A) Poor
B) Elderly
C) Unemployed
D) All / any of the above?
Then: Game Over. Sorry, you’ve lost America: The Game. Please try again next lifetime.
It’s OT now, but everyone must immediately go to http://askmissa.com/about/ where they can read such gems as:
“As a small child, a terrible car accident hospitalized Andrea for months leaving Andrea’s face scarred for much of her childhood, resulting in teasing and giving Andrea a sense of compassion for others.”
The terrible car accident was a small child? If she hadn’t been disfigured she’d be laughing at those who were? Oh, don’t miss this.
ALIVE!: Actually all the puppies are going to be pummeled with those blue circle thingies with the connecting strings and slogans.
V572625694: oh, how I love dangling modifiers and phrases.
V572625694: They did partially privatize Medicare with the new Part D program, which resulted in a clusterbuttfuck of competing private programs that grandma ‘n grandpa needed a sliding pie chart to understand, a mysterious $5,000 gap in coverage, and mass confusion for all.
In the words of the architect of Part D, Bush Jr., “Bring ‘em on!”
ALIVE!: The conservatives in Canada will be focussing their efforts on baby seals.
Hmm…the orientation of those circles to each other in space reminds me of nothing so much as bubbles.
This is basically how it went:
(1) Boehner and McConnel sitting in an exclusive DC dive, reach for a napkin buried amidst a sea of empty Martini glasses and scribble a few notes: “cut taxes, freeze spending, privatize medicare and medicaid, blah, blah, blah (sic.).”
(2) The napkin languishes in Boehner’s coat pocket for a few days along with three stale peanuts, a small bottle of breath spray, an empty condom wrapper and a matchbook with the phone number of a 17 year-old congressional page.
(3) Boehener, reaching into his pocket and fishing for the matchbook, pulls out the napkin instead… he reads over it… “Fuck me…” he mutters to himself… “our budget.” He picks up the phone and calls his chief of staff. When the chief of staff shows up, Boehner hands him the napkin: “Get this down to the numbers boys. Tell them to turn it into a budget. It should be thick, but not too thick. Make sure they draw up lots of colorful charts. Make it look plausible. Tell them they can make whatever assumptions they need to in order for this to wind up looking better than the president’s budget. If they need to assume 125% annual growth fine. It’s the tax cuts. Magic. Presto-chage-o. Just don’t make it too obvious.”
(4) Boehner’s Chief of staff takes the napkin and as soon as he’s out of the door, tosses it in the nearest waste basket. He dials up the “numbers boys” on his cell: “Behner wants something that we can call a budget… the usual shit… just make sure there are lots of tax cuts and lots pf charts. You can also make any assumptions you need to get the numbers to look right. Leave it up to us to explain why 200% annual growth is a likely outcome of cutting marginal tax rates bu 30%.”
(5) Three days later: viola! A “budget” is born.
Doglessliberal: Plus one can be glad Andrea has a “sense of compassion for others” instead of actual compassion for others, which might require her to do something.
President Beeblebrox: No kidding. Medicare Part D was an element of the Republican master plan to convince everyone that government couldn’t do anything right by constantly DOIN IT RONG. See: “Prosecution of Ted Stevens” for today’s object lesson.
heroinmule: Well being that it is republicans, then I am guessing this ANALogy happens online with a fictitious 13 year old boy that turns out to be a 47 yr old FBI agent. AMIRITE?
This all sounds eerily similar to the time Homer got to design his dream car. I’m picturing Boehner introducing Joe the Plumber to a room full of copywriters, designers and strategists. “You guys don’t know what America wants. But this guy does. I want you to take his ideas and build us a winning strategy! With diagrams and shit!”
NoWireHangers: Boss Rushbo went on about this today (and everyday) citing an Austin Statesman report on chronic emergency room abusers, natuarally failing to mention the detail that of the nine most frequent visitors, 7 were mental cases, and 2 were drug abusers.
http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/04/01/0401er.html
Is that picture siphoned from Shorts’ blog?
Some of the puppies will be killed thus:
They will stake them next to a large redwood tree in a national park, which will be cut down and fall on the puppies, and then the wood from the tree will be made into a 12000 Sq foot deck with a gazebo at Boehner’s summer home.
An aside for April 1: Definition: LOLCODE
Example:
HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
I HAS A VAR
IM IN YR LOOP
UP VAR!!1
IZ VAR BIGGER THAN 10? KTHX
VISIBLE VAR
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
KTHXBYE
“slash federal health programs for the poor and elderly”
Golly, why didn’t I think of that. We can solve the economy by KILLING ALL THE OLD PEOPLE.
Crazy people wonder why they lost control of Congress…
A blingee featuring John Boehner, The Devil and the republicans’ retarded budget? Why, yes, actually, I do happen to have such a blingee!
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/87443032-ONE-OF-THE-OTHER-NEW-REPUBLICAN-BUDGETS
Sussemilch: and solve hunger by eating them. Grind them up, add some spices, and voila, burgers!
People! People! don’t forget the GOP mission statement:
1. Rich = Good
2. Middle class = Losers
3. Poor and elderly (except see 1) = Lowest form of losers
4. Babies = Prebirth = Votes
Postbirth = Losers
R congresspeople actually have cards printed up with this information so they can refer to it when they vote, because they are too stupid and lazy to actually read bills.
V572625694: says “Ever notice how nobody who has “socialized medicine” (people in the military) or a single-payer system (Medicare, Canuckistanis) wants to give it up, no matter how much they might like to complain about it? Why do you suppose that is?”
Add Congress to that list. Between the military and congress, McCain has been sucking at the tit of socialized medicine his entire life.
Atheist Nun: Total. Complete. WIN.
AngryBlakGuy: You’re forgetting a variable.
massive tax cuts + WAR 4EVA + a sudden magical windfall in the form of monetary manna from heaven = $2.53 profit
Atheist Nun: It is extra nice that you used the Devil from Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny. “I’m the Devil, I love metal!”
I’m sure the Repubs releasing this today was a calculated move to steal some of Obama’s thunder while he’s on his first trip to Europe as president. So while he’s holding press conferences with world leaders, the loyal opposition back here is making themselves look even more ridiculous and retarded than usual. That’ll show him!
For the love of an immaculately-conceived, Bethlehemian carpenter, what the fuck is wrong with Republicans?
Sussemilch: Budget item #1: Kill the Poor
Budget Item #2: Sell the National Parks to Exxon
For you wonks out there, Paul Ryan’s Mein Kampf:
http://www.house.gov/budget_republicans/press/2007/pr20090401_gopbudget.pdf
Magnus Maximus: You talkin’ ’bout me? By the way, can I borrow your car keys to go to the liquor store?
And not a momentito too sooon, from Fog News:
http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/2009/04/01/ferrara_obama_budget/
PETER FERRARA: The GOP’s Alternative Budget — It’s Like George Washington vs. Che Guevara
Serolf: Heh-heh, totally awesome dude! You should write GOP fan fiction.
BillyClubb: Sure thing dude! Just put a few bucks gas in there for me.
And pick me up some Sparks!
Is there anything in the plan which subsidizes anal nausea?
S.Luggo: Thank you for the link. Unfortunately, after opening the download, my computer informed me that it now has syphilis.
Scandinavian Fetus: That is why you should always place a Trojan (or at least Sarawrap) over your modem port.
S.Luggo: So does that headline mean that John Boehner’s face will be put on shirts in Hot Topic 20 years from now?
Noodle Salad: and nine-year-olds promise that they will eat all the rest of their dinner later if they can have a cookie now.
Zadig: Yes, and with the tee showing Boehner as “Leather Face” and drawing deeply a large cigar.
S.Luggo: But I thought that the Pope says condoms don’t prevent STD’s, even electronic ones.
queeraselvis v 2.0: My only regret is that I couldn’t work in the graphic of a roll of money on a toilet paper holder, but it just didn’t fit anywhere…
Mad Farmer Manifest:
He has all the power
of darkness and night
making you believe
that evil’s all right
there’s a fire in his eyes
he can make you burn
from the dead
he’ll make you return
sell your soul for gold
do as you are told
run with (Dave Grohl)
don’t come to me
run with (Dave Grohl)
you can take me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jm3Zb-HSvo
oic what you did there republicans. make a totally insane budget that you know obama will never agree to and then when he doesn’t agree to anything in it you can say he’s not being nice and bipartisan
The moral of this post is how the Republican budget manifesto, with one brilliant stroke, manages to screw Medicaid recipients and Red States as well.
Currently the Feds contribute (match, or in some cases “super-match”) whatever a state spends on Medicaid (and that applies to SChip expenditures as well). This serves as an incentitive for states to provide funds for health care services to the poor and handicapped (Medicaid).
For example, in FY 2006 the fed Medicaid match of Medicaid expenditures for Cal. and Minn. was 50% (for every 50 cents the state spent on Medicaid, the Feds contributed 50 cents.) For Utah is was 70.76% (for every ~29 cents Utah spent on Medicaid, it got 71 cents from Washington.) For Idaho it was 69.91%, For Tex. 60.66%, Ok. 68%, Miss. 76%, etc.) See: http://www.statehealthfacts.org/comparetable.jsp?ind=184&cat=4
Welp, the Repug budget does away with this system. Instead the states will get a flat allotment of fed dollars for Medicaid. There will be an adjustment for inflation and an “adjustment” for the number of poors in the state (meaning, I guess, the more Mexicans and Haitians you have, the less money you will get).
The allotment system will mean:
A. A state will not have to put up any of its own money to get the (decreased) federal allotment.
B. It won’t have to spend the fed money on Medicaid-approved (reimbursable) services and drugs. It could spend it all on botox injections or snake-handling if it wanted to.
Oh, it’s a hap-hap happy day ….
Scandinavian Fetus: The Pope never mentioned Saranwrap! Otherwise I’m going straight to Haitch EEE Double-Hockey Sticks. Shit.
magic titty: INDEED, it is.
Just to show bipartisanship, Michelle will put yer li’l ol’ budget proposal on the fridge.
Magnus Maximus: I’m afraid of what GOP fan fiction would look like. I mean, it wouldn’t have anal sex in it, because it would be written by fans of the GOP and they are afraid of such things. And I’ve never seen any fan fiction that doesn’t have anal sex. So does this mean a goat gets a blow job from Eric Cantor? Because I would hope it means that.
Servo: Win.
heroinmule: win.
V572625694:
There is no god, for if there were, that site would have a comments section, which I would troll for eternity, world-without-end, amen, amen.
I find it funny that the party that let PAYGO lapse and brought us Medicare Part D (which will bankrupt the country, no joke) are now trying their hand at a budget that’s not batshit insane.
Have any of you ever seen the projections for Medicare Part D? How’s this for a taste: $8.7 trillion through 2079 in present value terms.
LOLOLOL!
You know, this shit ain’t funny any more. The GOP is led by creepy basement dwelling uber-paranoid Rush Limbaugh listeners who can’t even win in Virginia of North Carolina anymore because they’re utterly insane and yet we have to treat these mofos like they have 60 seats in the senate and an actual chance of winning the presidency in the next 15 years.
This budget is the biggest bulltshit ever produced by a political party and I’m including the Greens and what’s left of the Reform party, yet the media acts like this garbage means something.
The GOP leadership has to be bonkers, don’t they? I mean no snark here. They have to be insane. That exact plan, plus invading two countries, is pretty much what Bush did with spectacular results.
Serolf Divad: Not credible. These events should have taken half an hour, 45 minutes tops. Plus they omit Boehner’s daily visit to his personal cosmetologist, Laurence, for a facial bronzing and a wax.
Better:
Attending the First Church of the Sacred Securitization, Boner hears a proverb from the Book of Henry Ford, “Like the rain, the poors shall always be with us absent work place accidents, prison camps, contaminated pistachios or something something, use your own weak imagination, pussy.”
Result: Republican budget.
Step 3: Bonuses! And either gerbils or Hondurans become the new working class. Easy to train, cheap to feed, plus no goddam health care benefits. Win-win.
i think they were already blasted when they wrote the first one.
S.Luggo: At least the Republicans have a third draft on the way to a balanced budget. You, Mr. Sluggo, deserve a look:
“………………………………………………………………?;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.NO MO’ TAXES.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……………&&&&&&&&%%%%^^^&((..”
It goes on for 300 pages.
Gee, it sure as hell didn’t take very long for the previous abortion to magically stop being a budget once the shit & the fan shook hands & said howdy, did it?
ABRACADABRA - suddenly it’s a measly “marketing document” … but America will always have those beautiful memories to cherish - along with their own cheery balloons full of happy horseshit to bludgeon them with.
Americans probably found the previous GOP document lacking in sufficient volume for their personal needs. One can always hope that this bigger “budget” will also come in an extra-absorbant, 2-ply, perforated format for easier use.
I don’t know - maybe they shouldn’t have released a budget plan on April Fool’s Day?