Wonkette
Steadfast idiot and South Carolinian real estate speculator Mark Sanford keeps bugging the president about how he wants to use federal stimulus funds to pay down the state debt, which would not stimulate the economy at all. Now we hear that “Obama has, in fact, sent Sanford a very blunt, personal letter” explaining to him what an idiot he is. Come on, Palmetto Scoop! WE WANT ZE TASTY LETTR PLS. [Palmetto Scoop]
Sanford may be vying with Joe Lieberman for the title of human anus.
Barry! Why so mean to Roy Scheider’s younger brother?
Haha, no, really. BE BLUNT, BE VERY BLUNT.
I hope this letter is personal, in the sense that personal is a synonym for “relentless mocking of a person’s personality, character, or resemblance to a potato left out in the rain for several weeks.”
Dear Governor Sanford
I am offering you free money. Are you too stupid to understand that?
Your friend, Barry
Blunt?
Personal?
What, did Barry say that Mark is a bitter ignorant asshole with a tiny dick? Knowing Barry, it’s probably something like, “I’m sorry, but no, and please stop asking.”
The motto on the Great Seal of Mississippi is: “Not as bad as South Carolina!”
Dear Governor Sanford:
Your people eat grass and live in abandoned piano boxes by the freeway, but it’s all good, because you’ve got your almighty, inflexible principles to keep you warm.
From my family to yours, eat a bag of dicks.
Sincerely,
O.
“Adam is the founder and editor of The Palmetto Scoop. He is a graduate of Georgia Southern University and began blogging in 2005. When he’s not writing here, he’s off doing other awesome stuff like direct mail, political consulting, or web design. ”
…and World of Warcraft in my mom’s basement. Also.
Oh, and while we’re bullshittin’, what’s a republican governor doing running up debts, anyway? Isn’t that what communist libruls do? FISCAL SPONSITILITY, SOUTH CURRLINA HAS IT!
It might be a good time to start kicking people out of US America for being stupid.
V572625694: South Carolina’s motto: Don’t get smart with us.
Dear Mark,
It’s between you and that chicken-fucking douchebag from Georgia as to who will be the first dipshit southern republican governor who will publicly humiliated by me and whose state will “go blue” in 2012 as a result. (I don’t count Rick “Power Bottom” Perry because Rahm has pictures of the gay.) Your choice. Stop being a dipshit.
Yours,
Barry
“Big Palmetto State ‘Booyah,’ Jim.”
ManchuCandidate: Oh Dear, we should have started that Long ago.
Palmetto Scoop sounds like a Baskin Robbins flavor that never made it out of the testing kitchen.
Funny. I had to cross the Palmetto (bug) State to get to Atlanta (on MUSIC business) this weekend. I saw signs calling for the impeachment of said Governor. Look fòckwitz, Barry’s gonna change your palm tree into a star. Then your flag will be MUSLIN.
How many South Carolinians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None… they can’t afford electricity anymore.
Dear Mark -
Have you forgotten I’m from Chicago? Don’t fuck with me, asswipe.
Your Pal,
President Fuck-You-Up-But-Good
Did we crash their server or something? That link now haz a sad!
The crafty leaders of the glorious Republic of South Carolina plan on further fucking with us by opting out of the federal reserve monetary system, instead reverted to turnips and turnip-based products.
For some reason, I could not access the article in the Scalmetto Poop. Probably just as well.
Dear Mark:
I have a bag in each hand. One bag is full of free money. The other bag is full of dicks. You will eat the contents of one of these bags. You decide which.
Love,
Barry
I cannot click the clickety. link is broke.
Dear Governor Sanford:
Maybe you should get your buddies at BMW to float you. I’m too busy saving America to deal with your bullshit.
Sincerely yours,
President Barack Motherfuckin’ Obama.
Dear South Carolina,
Your two most famous residents of late are a criminally stupid beauty pageant contestant and a governor who manages to make her look like an intellectual by comparison. You must be so proud.
ManchuCandidate: Lest ye forget: it was the Palmetto State that started the Wawa of Nowthun Agraission and other “let’s-stand-on-our-(stupid)-principles” acts, like “minimally adequate education” for our public schools. If Gov. Dummass has his way, SC will remain somewhere in the early part of the last century…forevah!
Dear Governor Sandford –
Why of course you can use the money for whatever purpose you like. Just because your sorry-ass administration wasn’t able to maintain a balanced budget doesn’t mean you should have to use federal funding for the purpose it was originally intended — hell, why don’t you just carry your ass over to Fort Knox and ask for a truckload of gold because you’re incapable of balancing your own checkbook and would rather look after your career than the citizens of your state. But hell, it’s not like those yokels aren’t used to suffering — they’re already poor, uneducated and related to you.
So anyway, of course you can waste the stimulus money. Right after you come to the White House and shine my shoes. The guard is expecting you and will show you around to the kitchen door.
Yours,
President Barack Hussein Obama
norbizness:
New state motto candidates:
“South Carolina: Land of Debt-Free Hunter-Gatherers”
–or–
“Sic Semper Turnipus”
Teh Palmetto Scoop haz the cornfucker virus..
Barry has cut S.C.’s servers. Next will be the phone, and the electricity. Then, he and his Muslin Ninja Warriors will enter the capitol (what is the capitol of South Kahlahna, anyway? Moronfuckingville?) in the dead of night, abduct Gov. Sanford and Son, and leave a good socialist in charge, like Charles Barkley or something.
Min: And right now the Palmetto Scoop is having a bit of a rocky road.
Thanks Wonketteers. You crashed the poor SC blogger’s server. Do you know how long it’ll take to set up those tubes again? It’s not like we have fancy ejumacated people down here to do it for us!
ps- Please send money.
Oh, the trauma from Obama’s blunt instrument/letter.
Min: Actually, a Palmetto Scoop is a delightful confection made with pecans that you used to be able to buy at the Stuckeys outlets along I-95. Usually when you stopped to buy fireworks.
Dear Mark–
Bite me.
Sincerely,
Barry
Dear Mark,
Don’t want the money? I understand. After all, unemployment in your state is a mere 11%. So you’re doing better than Michigan, at least. Also your pals Bobby Jindall and Sarah Palin said they’d pass on the cash, too. Seems there’s an election in 2012 and a bold display of contempt for your State’s unemployed is just the sort of asshole move that gets GOP primary voters to wet the church pews in excitement.
So if you don’t want the money then that’s fine by me. Your kids can continue to bring their own toilet paper to that dilapidated shipping container they call a school and be edumacated by teachers earning a whopping $18,000 a year. There’s a congressional district in California that’s been making do with a bunch of old G4 Macintoshes running OS9.1 and wants to upgrade to OSX machines. I’m sure they’ll be happy to take the funds off your hands.
Enjoy the cholera!
Your Pal, Barry O
Ahh, South Carolina. To paraphrase: Too small to be it’s own country, too large to be an insane asylum.
Honestly, the only thing blunt that Barry should send to this drawling vermin should be the shiv in Rahm’s hand.
Dear Governor Sanford,
Are there any grownups there I could talk to? That would be helpful. I’m trying to give them some free money, for roads and bridges and schools and stuff.
Thank you,
Prez Barry
Dear Lamont,
There’s a fort in Charleston harbor you should visit, and reflect there upon what happened the LAST time South Carolina fucked with a president from Illinois.
Cheers,
Barack
P.S. I’m referring to Abraham Lincoln and Fort Sumter, you dipshit.
And all this time I thought the Palmetto Scoop was a variation of the Dirty Sanchez.
SayItWithWookies: Ba-dump-bump.
If such a letter exists it is a clever ploy indeed. A personal rebuke from Obama would catapult Governor Goober to the head of the 2012 GOP class. Which means more millions that Mittens must throw away to win the nomination.
SweetTea&: That’s a lot of South Carolina blue in your avatar…
As a child, Sanford begged his daddy to use the water intended for priming the pump in the backyard to fill his kiddy pool instead. As a teenager, he had just enough gas in his pickup truck to make it to the fillin’ station but siphoned it and used it for a bonfire.
If they cut the lectricity, the Northern bitters won’t be able to go to Myrtle Beach, and they will be left even more bitter. I hear JTP has a condo next to the Hooters.
Oh no!! Palmetto Scoop is the first casualty of the Conficker worm!!1!!
Dear Eds.,
Surely there’s a more ad hominem-y picture of this “person” you could deploy, no? All I can think of when I see the current picture is “Second-Rate Silly Putty Impersonator.”
Lazy Media: +1. Nicely done.
Min:
Dear Mark:
The reason you are running a deficit and can’t seem to balance the state budget in the first place is that you and your henchmen voted to cut our taxes like good li’l repubtards to get re-elected. Now you’d happily accept stimulus funds to cover your asses, look like something you’re not (smart), and look good to the rest of your lunatic fringe.
Got it?
Now bite me.
Sincerely,
Barry
Lazy Media: Um, the United States was torn apart by a brutal war that killed over half a million Americans, the President was shot in the back of the head, and we had 100 years of segregation.
Also, bless Adam Fogle’s (the editor of the Palmetto Scoop, which is back up, btw) heart. He looks like a cross between Rush L. and John Daly. With only slightly less anal.
Okay, far be it from me to defend (*gasp*) Sanford, but if SC is in a deficit situation like well-known Repub strongholds New York and California, where they’re going to start cutting services, raising taxes and fees, and laying off employees, then paying down the debt could be stimulative in the sense that it would help them avoid those adverse consequences, no?
This will just kill Strom Thurmond.
Lorax: Donut knock the World of Warcrafts!! They will save you from the ZOMBIES with all the strategizin they’ve had to do to get the Lynch King! Or is that Left 4 Dead?
Hi Mark, can I call you Mark?
Listen - just take the money before Rahm shows up ok otherwise I can’t be responsible for what happens next.
Best Regards,
Barry
From the Palmetto -
“Sanford has accepted some stimulus money for unemployment benefits, roads and bridges and energy efficiency.”
So, Sanford, apparently you ARE a stimulus whore, but, as the old joke goes, now we’re just dickering over price.
I am so sick of these slimey political tricks these slimey turdballs use try to fool people into voting against their own interests.
…I’m guesstimating that Mark Sanford has anywhere between -13 and 0 braincells.
jagorev: Lazy Media wasn’t talking about that part of what happened. geez.
magic titty:
zowie
SC’s state motto is Dum Spiro Spero: “While I breathe, I hope.”
Barry’s campaign motto was “Hope.”
Sanford is being a petulant queen.
Discuss.
This damn ruse, in order to maintain his
ideological “purity”, is just so damn
comical.
He is like those damn little trollops
who call themselves “technically virgins”,
while swallowing a cup of their boy friends’
cum every Saturday night.
queeraselvis v 2.0: I was thinking “Oh God, Chris Farley is still alive!”
jagorev: Let’s be fair: South Carolina had a LOT more backup that time. And this time around, we might just be content to let them go, and enjoy their lives sans government cheese and military protection.
NunnaTheSOBs: Rumsfeld?
S.C. makes Alabama look progressive. Thanks for that, Sanford (you dumb ass)…need all the help we can get down here in original dumb ass country.
jagorev: What makes you think that he wouldn’t just push for another tax cut?
Duh. Sanford DOESN’T WANT the funds. The whole thing is political cover to reject the funds and bolster his conservative credentials for a 2012 run for the White House. Way to fuck over the people of your state, Marky Mark.
Actually, I hear Barry wrote two letters.
“F” and “U”.
Badumbum.
Oh, I kid the blinkered pantywaist governor of a swampful of backward malcontents.
Min: The Palmetto Scoop sounds like handjob flavored ice cream.
shanemacgowan: Remember, he is a Republican. He’ll be like that Jack Benny routine where the robber is threatening “Your money or your life!” and Benny pauses and the robber says “Well?” and Benny says, “I’m thinking…”
Red Zeppelin: See, this is why South Carolina can’t have nice things.
Lorax: Yep, the only thing that blogger has been scooping up is the double chocolate down at the local Baskin-Robins.
President Beeblebrox: Thanks for noticing! I like to point out that we’re not all crazy backwards gun-toting idiots down here.
I just clicked on the link. How is it that no one has commented on how large the author of the Palmetto Scoop is? Seriously… that guy looks like he ate South Carolina’s stimulus package.
What a tool!
Mild Midwesterner: Chris Farley lives!
jagorev: Ah, but those stimulus funds create jobs, which in turn raise the tax revenue the state will collect, and they can use that to pay down the deficit WHILE the federal government has in essence helped them lower the unemployment rate from 11% to something less frightening, AND they can use that money to build better schools and increase teacher pay, thus investing long-term in the kiddies who may get better educations and grow up to not utterly hate their hick backwards state and will not flee from it the first chance they get. But since Sanford is probably not thinking past 2012 and his inevitable Mondale-level electoral crushing, such logic has not occurred to him.
Also California may not be a Repub stronghold but we are run by lots of stupid, which knows no ideological boundaries, which is why our economy is such a fucking mess. Also.
And yet I’d still rather live here than South Carolina. Our governor can’t run for president, so he’s actually thinking about helping his state and not a national election that’s three years away.
stolichnayaaa: Hahahahahaha. Nice one.
McDuff,
That blogger isn’t fat, he’s just short for his weight.
That blogger isn’t fat, you just need to adjust the vertical hold on your computer.
“When he’s not writing here, he’s off doing other awesome stuff like direct mail, political consulting, or web design.”
What a freakish tool!
The plan is for all GOP governors who want to run in 2012 to refuse part of these funds to show how tuff they are on unfunded mandates and big government and socialism.
This leaves Mittens hanging because he has no state to terrorize. Ditto Huckabee.
Shot at Wolf: Sanford’s first name is actually “Marshall”. He uses 100 dollar biils to light his own farts.
Another fat kid named Fogle makes teh bigtime…
President Beeblebrox: Sanford’s manse in located on Sullivan’s Island, SC. Pop: 1900.
From wiki: “The racial makeup of the town was 98.74% White, 0.63% African American, 0.05% Native American, 0.16% Asian.
…
Sullivan’s Island was the disembarkation port for over 40% (4-8 million) of the slaves traded to the British Colonies via the Middle Passage, making it the largest slave port in North America. It is estimated that nearly half of all African Americans had ancestors that passed through Sullivan’s Island.” There is, of course, no public monument to these facts.
stolichnayaaa: Precisely.
jagorev, et. al.: Y’all need to learn the difference between debt and deficit. Sanford wants to use the stimulus funds to pay down bonded indebtedness, not to balance this year’s budget. He actually wants to reject funds that the state could use to fund current operations, which is completely retarded. If he gets his way, the state would have to cut spending or raises taxes by, like 8-9 percent. It’s like Herbert Hoover times a million.
http://www.greenvilleonline.com/article/20090317/NEWS01/303170003&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL
Lazy Media: Oh, it’ll be cut services and not raise taxes to balance this year’s budget! Luckily, we have lots of totally unnecessary jobs here that he is already cutting. Let’s see…there’s the state troopers, the teachers, the firepersons, the medical staff personnel at some hospitals…and many others. Oh, there’s lots of unnecessary state employees here that need pink-slips.
If South Carolina didn’t keep cutting all of those “C’mon down an’ build y’allselves a big-ass plant here and we won’t make you pay no taxes an’ we’ll give y’all all a whole bunch a other perkisits” deals with big manufacturers that screw everyone in the state but the clever, clever rednecks who negotiated the deals — paging Mark Sanford — they’d have enough state revenue to pay down their indebtedness themselves. Do they honestly think that we believe that BMW et al. are there for the toothless regional charm and the cornpone? It’s because they’ve made it as cheap for them to be there as it would for them to be in Bangalore, and that’s no small feat. But that’s also why SC doesn’t have any damn money, so Obama should tell this asshole to find it and grind it.