SURE WHY NOT  5:07 pm March 31, 2009

Newt Gingrich Is Now Catholic, Who Knew!

by Jim Newell

Newt Gingrich is suddenly a papist! Does he know that he now has to live in Maryland, the designated Catholic slave colony of Lord Baltimore? It’s true. Gingrich was converted in D.C., however, at a Capitol Hill church the other night, after which he went to “celebrate” at the very fancy Cafe Milano restaurant, with lobbyists. Why did he switch to this new Jesus? Well his young (and third) wife is Catholic, so this will shush her up good for a few years, until he divorces her for a new teenager. But obviously the real reason is that he wants to be president and has already calculated some close electoral college scenario where this will put him over the top in a crucial Rust Belt state. [The Caucus]

 
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{ 72 comments }

Colander March 31, 2009 at 5:09 pm

Doesn’t a conversion in DC essentially make him a muslin now? He should check his receipt.

space stout March 31, 2009 at 5:10 pm

oh Jim, how I wish ye had blessed us with some alt text on this one…

comradepaulson March 31, 2009 at 5:10 pm

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

SayItWithWookies March 31, 2009 at 5:11 pm

I always knew Gingrich was a man of profound faith — he deeply believes in whatever religion will get him the most pussy.

chascates March 31, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Did he have to get his first 2 marriages annulled? Let’s hear him recite the Catechism. And how many saints can he name? Or Popes?

LittlePig March 31, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=277912]space stout[/re]: some Photoshopped force lightning would be excellent. Also.

CorkPopper March 31, 2009 at 5:14 pm

But now when he upgrades to wife #4, he’ll have to pay a lawyer AND the church, so God will forget wife #3. Not sure he’s thought this one through.

loudmouthredhead March 31, 2009 at 5:15 pm

When asked why her husband converted, the youngest Mrs. Gingrich merely pointed to her T-shirt which read:
“I have the vagina, that’s why!”

She then asked the reporter if her Aeropostale pants with pink lettering on the ass made her look fat.

Citizen Kang March 31, 2009 at 5:15 pm

I’d vote for Lizard People before I vote for this a-hole.

loudmouthredhead March 31, 2009 at 5:17 pm

How is this man still gainfully employed? What secret cabal is keeping the Gingrich clan afloat?

Colander March 31, 2009 at 5:18 pm

[re=277922]LittlePig[/re]: Also @MaceWindu: “POWER. UN…LIMITED…POWER!!!”

jagorev March 31, 2009 at 5:19 pm

I just hope his next ex-wife is Jewish, because ha ha, old-age circumcision! Unless he’s circumcised already, like many gentile Americans. So there’s something to ponder this Tuesday evening: Is Newt Gingrich circumcised, or not?

[re=277913]comradepaulson[/re]: +1

BipartisanFizgig March 31, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Rrrawwwrrrarrraaarrwwrrrwaarrrrcontract with Americarrarr!

Gurkman March 31, 2009 at 5:24 pm

[re=277929]loudmouthredhead[/re]: i believe he did this solely to appease the jesuits.

Min March 31, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Can you even be a Catholic with two ex-wives?

loudmouthredhead March 31, 2009 at 5:25 pm

“this will shush her up good for a few years, until he divorces her for a new teenager”

As each wife passes peak freshness, the rock on their wedding ring bleeps out it’s final message and the sandmen go to work. Sadly, the last one was a runner.

Atheist Nun March 31, 2009 at 5:26 pm

I would like to volunteer to inflict all the catholic damage on “NEWT” that he missed by not attending a catholic school full of rabid child-hating nuns and sadomasochistic pedophile priests.

J05H March 31, 2009 at 5:27 pm

huh? The future-ex-Mrs-Gingrich can’t be much of a Catholic if she married a twice-divorced guy.

An American in Toronto March 31, 2009 at 5:27 pm

[re=277919]chascates[/re]:

1. Duh, he knows St. Patrick, St. Valentine and St. Joseph’s Aspirin for Children.

2. Someone else should come up with the obvious Repuglican/Catholic Priest pedophilia joke.

3. “Papist” needs to make a comeback along with Mohammadean.

WadISay March 31, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Well, he couldn’t have been married in the Catholic church, since he had already been married and divorced twice. So really Newt and his wife are living in sin. I suppose that makes the sex better, but on the other hand Wife 3 has to hear herself denounced as the Whore of Babylon every night when Newt gets home.

MegsOfMegs March 31, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Oh Jesus. Nobody’s version of Jesus is safe these days from these yahoos…
and Xenu’s teaming with Palin…

Number6 March 31, 2009 at 5:31 pm

Was it Opus Dei, like Aldrich Ames?

loudmouthredhead March 31, 2009 at 5:32 pm

[re=277950]WadISay[/re]: Newt recently bought a person-sized salt lick so the happy couple could play “Sodom & Gomorrah” every night.

AuntieLola March 31, 2009 at 5:32 pm

I’m sure he’s not the only thrice-married Catholic in Congress.

When everything you believe is inconsistent with reality, how much does one more hypocrisy really hurt?

CC40ND March 31, 2009 at 5:32 pm

There goes the neighborhood!

gjdodger March 31, 2009 at 5:33 pm

I figure he’s just getting ready for his run for Pope. He figures, hey, they elected a Nazi, they’ll take anybody.

TeddyS March 31, 2009 at 5:33 pm

The Bible thumpers and Real Americans back in Jawja are wondering why the Newt abandoned the snake-handling Baptist voters in favor of men who wear skirts. Tossed ‘em under the bus, he did. Found the Evangelicals weren’t good enough for him no more. Sarah Palin is a happy little moose-killer today.

cheeto_jeebus March 31, 2009 at 5:34 pm

[re=277934]jagorev[/re]: and ya had to go there.

I’m doing my best to visualize unicorns and butterflies but they keep morphing into little nasty turtles with puss filled eyes.

his odd elitist preppy name doesn’t help. He’s like some character out of a PG Wodehouse novel.

ForTheTurnstiles March 31, 2009 at 5:35 pm

[re=277916]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Catholics get a lot? Even that Pope guy?

Giant Robot March 31, 2009 at 5:36 pm

1. He can have my old seat – if he can find it amidst all the other empty seats, and
2. This is not as disturbing as finding out that the patron saint of capitalists is St. Homobonus from the land of Cremora.

shanemacgowan March 31, 2009 at 5:38 pm

[re=277940]Gurkman[/re]: Those of us Jesuit educated do not want him either.

loudmouthredhead March 31, 2009 at 5:38 pm

[re=277961]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Depends on what the meaning of “it” is.

Internally valid March 31, 2009 at 5:39 pm

The left of my screen says I’m supposed to do something to “free Newt,” from Catholicism, perhaps. To that I say, “fuck you Newt,” as is my wont.

WagTehGod March 31, 2009 at 5:40 pm

He didn’t go all in for the priesthood and an eternity of humping young altar boys … are we sure he didn’t switch his party affiliation too?

rocktonsammy March 31, 2009 at 5:41 pm

So the catlicks are taking in sinners now.

I’m going back to Saturday night ass mass again.

Capricatony March 31, 2009 at 5:41 pm

The Repubs want to steal all the catholics because as we all know catholics spend their days weeping for all the babies liberals kill. Part of his plot to lose the presidential primary in aught twelve.

Mustang March 31, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Cat lickers don’t accept newcomers as readily as say your basic Four Sqaure Baptist Church and Salad Bar. I don’t doubt this is a political move, but maybe not such a smart one, Newt. But good luck with that.

Canuckledragger March 31, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Meh. He just converted so he could get into Tony “Bush-Poodle” Blair’s pants.

He wants Tony to teach him ALL about the “third way.”

And Tony ain’t teachin’ NUTHIN’ to no Protties.

Texan Bulldoggette March 31, 2009 at 5:46 pm

“…his young (and third) wife” I have seen pics of Mrs. Gingrich III (morbid curiosity as to who would want to see Newt naked much less fuck him on a desk on Capitol Hill). She doesn’t look young to me. She looks like an old, cotton-candy haired, Dallas Mary Kay sales rep who runs over the Messican gardeners in her pink Cadillac Escalade.

Queen Regine March 31, 2009 at 5:46 pm

[re=277934]jagorev[/re]: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not an image I want in my head (sliced or otherwise).

V572625694 March 31, 2009 at 5:46 pm

[re=277954]Number6[/re]: Opus Dei was Robert Hanssen, admirer of strippers, was the, uh, devout Catholic who sold out his country to the Soviet Union.

Ames, the CIA traitor, pretty much did it because he wanted to buy his wifey a Jaguar.

And why did W betray his country? Cuz the Neocons told him to.

natteringnabomb March 31, 2009 at 5:50 pm

If his previous marriges were not performed by catholic clergy such as jesus and his father God,then they are not really marriges in the eyes of the one true church thus his fourth marrige is actually his first.

springfield_meltdown March 31, 2009 at 5:50 pm

[re=277975]Mustang[/re]: I don’t think Newt could explain transubstantiation and will find himself deeply puzzled by the quaint ethnic traditions of Rust Belt Catlickers. I would say maybe a third of Catholics at most will like Newt because of the dead babies thing and that’s probably the same third that still thinks Bush was a good president.
[re=277950]WadISay[/re]: I could not put doctrine more concisely. As long you are a Catholic and not married by the Church, then it doesn’t count and you are probably headed to hell as my mother always reminds my cousins.

Accordion-o-rama March 31, 2009 at 5:54 pm

It was sweet of the latest Mr. Newt to share a pic from their first date, in the supplies room.

j6n March 31, 2009 at 5:54 pm

Does this make him more or less likely to go to hell?

j6n March 31, 2009 at 5:54 pm

What’s the bottom line here? Does this make him more or less likely to go to hell?

Gopherit March 31, 2009 at 5:59 pm

Bill Donohue won’t let him joining Opus Dei until he becomes a mackerel snapper and buggers his first altar boy. The things you have to do do for absolute power.

Gopherit March 31, 2009 at 6:03 pm

[re=277950]WadISay[/re]: Nah, if he wasn’t married catholic in the first place, he wasn’t really married at all.

Lascauxcaveman March 31, 2009 at 6:10 pm

[re=277919]chascates[/re]: [re=277950]WadISay[/re]: [re=277941]Min[/re]: Ha! Newty’s sooo in on a technicality! Since he did all his sinful divorcing and remarrying before converting, it’s clean slate for Gingritch. All those nasty original sins and (clichéd unoriginal sins, also) washed away by the miracle of baptism. Technically, now that he’s a catlicker, he’s not supposed to do that shit anymore.

Also, Jimmy Newell: Why did he switch to this new Jesus? Ahem. I’m pretty sure the Catholics have dibs on the original Jesus. You know, the clean white Jesus that looks like a freshly bathed AngloSaxon hippy, only with better teeth.

Lascauxcaveman March 31, 2009 at 6:13 pm

Also, with his record of criticizing others behavior and changing his tune to fit whatever the convenient politcal trend gains him the most, I think Newty would make an awesome bishop. He’s got the silver hair and piggish face for it, too.

Josh Fruhlinger March 31, 2009 at 6:13 pm

[re=277919]chascates[/re]: The Catholic rule against divorce only applies if the marriage being ended was performed within the Holy Mother Church. Really! I think the King of Spain’s son (or some other Catholic royal, I forget now) recently married some divorced chick, but because her first marriage was performed by a heathen judge, they could still have a faboo wedding in the royal cathedral overseen by a robèd archbisop, etc.

Newt Gingrich is going to marry the King of Spain, is my point.

chascates March 31, 2009 at 6:40 pm

[re=278026]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Good! If he goes to Spain maybe he can be arrested for war crimes. Or whore crimes. Or something.

Guppy06 March 31, 2009 at 6:45 pm

By 2016 we’ll all be rust belt states.

TeddyS March 31, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Newt late today announced that tomorrow he will become a Negro Jew, and depending on how the polls look, possibly a Transgendered Muslin.

ifthethunderdontgetya" March 31, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=278026]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: At Blessed Sacrament by Chevy Chase Circle, no doubt.
~

PAbitter March 31, 2009 at 7:05 pm

There’s an old story about Constantine the Great (written by a hostile pagan source). Constantine has killed his son and his mother and immediately after, is stricken with guilt. He runs around to all the pagan priests for absolution, all of whom insist that his crime is unforgivable. He meets, however, some friendly Christian priest, who assures him that as soon as he becomes Christian, all his sins will be washed away. He converts, bans divination and moves out of Rome.

Anyway, I was reminded of this when I read about Gingrich. The Catholic Church doesn’t care if you’re an amoral scumbag, Gingrich! We/they accept anybody!

The Station Manager March 31, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Damn it, Newt! Just because I moved out of that religion twenty-odd years ago does not mean you have permission to move into it.

RobPetrified March 31, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Duh.
Catholics get to drink fine wine all the time, even in church.
Evangelicals have to settle for bootleg rotgut likker surreptitiously sipped in the garage when no one is looking.
Which one would YOU choose, assuming that you had to choose one or the other?

President Beeblebrox March 31, 2009 at 7:56 pm

[re=277916]SayItWithWookies[/re]: If that’s the case, then he picked the wrong religion. Catholicism is the best religion to get young boys’ anuses, not pussy.

President Beeblebrox March 31, 2009 at 7:57 pm

[re=277962]Giant Robot[/re]: I thought you were j/k about St. Homobonus, but I wuz rong.

Hm, they analogized St. Homobonus to Charlie Brown. Who knew?

DemmeFatale March 31, 2009 at 8:08 pm

[re=278103]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I know, right? Wow!

hobgoblin of little minds March 31, 2009 at 8:32 pm

[re=277913]comradepaulson[/re]: win

stumplequimby March 31, 2009 at 8:45 pm

BAGGED!

Toomush Infermashun March 31, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Well, okay, it worked for the Kennedys, in spite of the polls…. not so much for old King Henry, but thereby lays another tale….I can somehow see newt with the ruffled collar, though…

thebaker March 31, 2009 at 9:29 pm

he could have joined the “blood drenched, splintered, nailed body of jeebus AME church”. for teh black vote. also

Cranky Old Batt March 31, 2009 at 10:08 pm

Cathoholic? He looks like he is channeling his inner Voldemort in teh picture.

SayItWithWookies March 31, 2009 at 10:14 pm

[re=278102]President Beeblebrox[/re]: For the clergy and the wear-in-on-your-sleeve assholes, sure. The regular ones just get to do what they want, unless they’re naive enough to take the religion seriously. Mostly, Catholicism is full of dumbass rules that you soon realize carry no consequences when you break them.

Joey Ratz April 1, 2009 at 1:05 am

[re=277912]space stout[/re]: “The power of Christ compels you! Out, demon, out!” Goes well with Newt’s newfound faith.

Scooter April 1, 2009 at 4:11 am

Frankly, I thought Newt had been neutered by now. Frankly.

bitchincamaro April 1, 2009 at 7:56 am

Considering the success he had with his Contract On America, why not with Popie, now?

[re=277947]Atheist Nun[/re]: Unleash Hell!

takes12no1 April 1, 2009 at 9:23 am

[re=277924]loudmouthredhead[/re]: win!

[re=277947]Atheist Nun[/re]: Sarah? Is that you!?

post-coital April 1, 2009 at 1:29 pm

“Vagina is worth a mass.”

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