Wonkette
Of all the comical failed Republican presidential candidates from the year aught-eight, none tugged at our heartstrings more than Mitt Romney, who lost $40 million of his own money in his fruitless quest to persuade people to like him. By 2012, he will have recouped all his losses by doubling down in America’s hot real estate and financial sectors, and he will have zillions more to spend on becoming conservative voters’ business-minded, slightly deranged alternative to the clinically insane grandmother of eleven, Sarah Palin. Mary Matalin says Romney’s going to run, and we all know she gets her information straight from the horse’s mouth (i.e. Cheney’s anus), so quod erat demonstrandum, etc. [AP]
Is losing $40mil on your own campaign a tax deduction? If so he probable fared better by running than leaving it in his stock portfolio.
Revelare pecunia!
So he’s got his ol’ fudgepacker all warmed up and ready for action?
Mitt Romney is building toward a White House bid in 2012 by judiciously engaging and disengaging with the national debate.
Doing something and also its opposite: Microtrend!
Woah! I’m more shocked that water is wet.
quod erat demonstrandum
Showin’ off yer fancy, ivy league pedigree, eh Sara?
underwear for everyone!
That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.
Mitt may think he’s running for president in 2012, but what does his hair have to say? Not so sure…..
Well Mitt’s just fitting right in with the rest of the Republican freaks by snapping on the old latex…umm…I think I just made myself sick.
And don’t forget his masterstroke…founding the Cyberdine Systems Corporation and building his own running mate.
REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE
INT. UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS - AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A RED LIGHT flashes repeatedly. ALAN KEYES has overrun his allotted time yet again.
ALAN KEYES
…FETUSES, ABORTION, JESUS, GOD BLESS AMERICA, THE SOCIALIST REGIME, LESSER GODS!
MITT ROMNEY
I KNOW HOW RONALD REAGAN WOULD RESPOND TO THAT. RONALD REAGAN WOULD SAY, ‘HELLO, I AM RONALD REAGAN’. RONALD REAGAN WOULD REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, RONALD REAGAN WOULD–
ALAN KEYES
MORMON DEMON!
Feeling the grip of the HOLY SPIRIT, ALAN KEYES knocks over his LECTERN, crushing SARAH PALIN beneath it.
SARAH PALIN
OH DEAR.
ALAN’S RAMPAGE continues as he snatches a PITCHER OF WATER from the Moderator’s table and tosses it on MITT.
MITT ROMNEY
(The water burns like the touch of a Poor)
MY POMPADOUR! DAMN YOU, ALAN! I’M MELTING! MELTING! WHAT A WORLD…
CUT TO:
INT. - UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS AUDITORIUM - NIGHT - FLOOR
The tattered remains of an expensive suit quiver. A noxious vapor emerges. It’s the…
GHOST OF REAGAN
RONALDREAGAN! RONALDREAGAN! RONALDREAGAN! RONALDREAGAN! RONALDREAGAN! RONALDREAGAN!
The ghost kills everyone with a slow, but deadly stream of trickle down acid, which is made from the tears of Poor People.
THE END.
I honestly can’t wait until 2012. The GOP primaries will be epic.
Snowbilly versus Mittens for 2012? I’m stoked. And if Jindal gets in, I’m extra stoked. This race will be a clusterfuck freak show not seen since Barry versus Hillary, except it will have 110% more Jebus and special underwears, but plenty of Paultards, PUMAs and exorcisms. And volcanoes! Also.
comradepaulson: Hope there’s room for America’s
used condomMayor.BillyClubb: …with axiomatic certainty….
Min: Yeah, but by 2012 Sarah Palin would have gained control of Skynet, and I don’t really see Pelosi surviving a trip to Alaska before Judgment Day.
The GOP field is starting to look like the Washington Generals.
Fox & Fiends: No tax deduction for the $40 mil he lost, unless he somehow managed to direct it through a corporation of his as “lobbying funds” or some such crap.
I’m wondering at what point we get people declaring five years out for elections that are four years away. When Romney is leaking this less than six months after the election could we be facing the alternate reality of someone declaring for the next election while they’re still in the process of losing the current one?
stolichnayaaa: Actually, that sounds way too civilized and sporting.
ummmm… The GOP field is starting to look like-
a) A christmas stocking full of rats
b) A Mexican Standoff except instead of guns everyone has one of those dildo monster trucks from “Idiocracy”
c) A minor league hockey game between a team of detoxing meth addicts and a team of polar bears
It’s all excusable, except for the blue glove.
magic titty: There’s room for ‘em all: 9ui11ani, Fred Thompson (if alive), Ron Paul (if alive), Michelle Bachmann (if not committed to FEMA death trailer)… It will be the greatest gathering of douchetards since CPAC, except there won’t be the buttsecks. Oh, who am I kidding? There will be more buttsecks!
I can’t wait. Is it disturbing to say I’d rather see Mittens in ANY elected office than Snowbilly?
NoWireHangers: Win.
comradepaulson: If Michelle Bachmann were to run against Palin, it would be the awesomest thing, because you know they would be trying to out-hot each other. It would be like Dynasty (or Gossip Girl, for the younger crowd). Guilliani is not going to run for preznit, though. Mike Steele maybe?
I hope someone asks Guy Smiley if he’s wearing his magical Mormon underpants.
Mittens might actually have a shot at the Republican Nomination as he’s the only one there at this point who isn’t bat shit crazy. That all depends, of course, on the Republican’s ability to discern from what is and what is not batshit crazy.
Jazzman: “… could we be facing the alternate reality of someone declaring for the next election while they’re still in the process of losing the current one?”
Isn’t this pretty much what we saw last fall?
i really can’t wait for the latest comedic stylings of Quayle’s dumber little brother with the magic underoos. who let the mittens out? woof. woof. indeed.
Texan Bulldoggette: No it is not more disturbing to think of Mittens in a position of power than it is to think of Snowbilly.
But it should be. Mittens’ apparent competence is as illusory as Spiro Agnew’s once-touted “high-IQ.” It’s a lot harder to run even the People’s Republic of Massachussets than it is to run a hedge fund.
Colander: By 2012, the GOP will be the party of even MORE extreme botox and plastic surgery
NoWireHangers: Awesome dramaturgy. +1. Are you channeling future events, or just indulging in wishful thinking?
Limbaugh may not approve of Mittens. Whoever has his blessing will have to be big on Jesus, guns, and babies. And really, really hate government. Since that’s the problem.
Hooray For Anything: But I bet Mittens will respond to the batshittiness around him by becoming more batshitty than thou. It will be double Gitmo batshittiness, on the rocks, with a twist of bullshit.
NoWireHangers: Much winningness, with one minor error: I’m pretty sure you should have had Palin saying “Oh dear. Also.” whilst being crushed to death by the podium.
Palin AND Mittens? Oh, the hair we’ll see! This is going to be the most bouffant election ever!
Hasn’t Palin already announced a presidential election exploratory committee for the 2010 election?
comradepaulson: That’s probably true. The reason he announced this early so he can spend the next two years or so trolling Fox News sites to study up on WingNut craziness. I’d be willing to bet he’ll make at least one teleprompter joke over the next few weeks just to test it out
yeah, it’s something like “sarahpac”…shudder.
Um, sarahpac being advertised right there to my left..yeah, I missed that.
Viewing that photo, I am reminded of the “Scatmuncher” commentary from comedian Bill Hicks…looks as if Mittens is going to get in on the action, too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg2_MntkMzg
“…Rush Limbaugh is a scat-muncher. He munches Scat!”
For balance, the GOP also needs to recruit a Scientologist for the primary as well. Mitt can talk about jetting off to Kolob at light speed while the Scientologist (Cruise?) can babble about reaching OT VII.
i say it every time this pic of Mitt is used. Best. Pic. Evah.
I think he should run again! Wonkette isn’t the same without the daily fudge picture. Maybe this time he’ll win a primary besides Wyoming and Utah (squealing with glee). I’m sure Colorado has enough greedy-scum sucking venture capitalists who’ll ignore the magic undies for a reduction in capital gains to put him over the top.
Not that it’ll matter in the general, as Obama could drop his pants and take a crap on the capitol in Denver and wipe his ass with the state flower and they’ll still call the state for him the day before polls close.
Mittens 2012! Because it’ll be fun to watch Carl Cameron have to project Mississippi for Obama.
Mittens 2012: Nah, that dog just ain’t gonna hunt. It may, however, end up tied to a roofrack…