Obese, constipated hell monster Mark Penn has written a new edition of “Microtrends” — no not the book about how to lose a Democratic primary with a Clinton, but the Wall Street Journal column about pornography! IN WHICH HE WRITES: “Running counter to the pack is almost always the key to real success.” Complete pornography! FURTHERMORE: “Most of the microtrends being created by the financial crisis have been about resetting our tolerance for risk.” In other words there are three Microtrends right now: people taking on risk, people taking on no risk, and people just sitting around doing whatever. So granular! But which one gets to be prom queen hmm?
What we have here are two main extreme groups, Microtrend groups. Each Microtrend group gets a funny name of course, that’s why making stuff up is such a delight! In this case we’ve got steers & queers:
These “Fearless Freddies” are the ones who had the stomach to invest in Citigroup when its share price dipped below a dollar. They are the ones buying oil (and oil stocks) as it hits new lows. They are down in Florida looking for condos and checking out the foreclosures. They are either the smartest people in this changed economy — or the dumbest.
Unlike the “New Mattress Stuffers” I wrote about in December, who are loading up on guns, gold and home safes, these investors are hoping that a comeback will come more quickly than most experts expect — a comeback they hope will make them rich.
So either people who think the economy is near the bottom, or those who don’t. Microtrends!
Who is a Fearless Freddie? Warren Buffett is a Fearless Freddie! It could cost him very dearly! WHO KNOWS? Microtrends.
Oh and then there are these dandies:
Most investors are “Go-With-the-Flow-ers” — they have sold some stocks, held on to others and are just waiting to see what happens before doing anything drastic. They are not controlling their fate and rather are awaiting the outcome to see how they do.
Who knew that “Most investors” could form a Microtrend group, defined by caution during a recession?
Alas:
Pick one — be [a] Mattress Stuffer, a Fearless Freddie, or a Go-With-The-Flow-er, and arrange your life accordingly. If you want to join the fearless group, run, don’t walk to the housing and stock markets; buy more financial-sector stocks; and think about starting your own business and leaving your big corporate employers. Plan on inflation not deflation, and buy the car, and maybe the TV set, of your dreams.
We don’t wanna pick. No picking. Stop this. Stop.
Bungee-Jumping in New Economy [WSJ via Gawker]
{ 34 comments }
He never foresaw the microtrend of “PUMA’s. FAIL.
Who knew that “Most investors” could form a Microtrend group, defined by caution during a recession?
Macrotrends: the new Microtrends!
Also, anyone who says “Fearless Freddies” and “New Mattress Stuffers” should be legally required to stay at least 100 yards away from all elementary school playgrounds.
I’m reasonably assured that running counter to the pack is NOT the key to real success when you are being chased by wolves.
there’s a microtrend in his pants
So, so what, I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don’t need you MARK PENN
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na.
Fatboy Bowzer rites: “Running counter to the pack is almost always the key to real success.”
Yes, Bower. It’s true. Like the time everyone told me that you should know the terrain (physical or metaphysical), whether it be climbing or hiking or running an election. Mark Penn went against the pack by denying any knowledge of the Dem caucus system and ignoring the charismatic black man riding in from Chi-town on a unicorn. Look how well it worked out for Preznit Hilsbot.
When they write the story of the decline and fall of the Great American Empire, whole chapters will be devoted to Marketing Professionals, who, like Nero before them, fiddle around with inanities while Rome burns.
Useless, and paid for it.
He might be constipated nowadays, but a friend of mine has a horrifying story about Mark Penn coming over to his house, eating everything in the refrigerator, and then stopping up both of the toilets in the house.
microtrend is the new also. also. microtrend.
Oh, come on, like Mark Penn is going to give away his A-material for $1.25 on the pages of WSJ. But his multimillion dollar advice is totes worth it. Just ask Hillz!!
Fearless Freddies is part of the TruckNutz macrotrend. Speaking of which, I actually saw trucknutz in Montgomery County yesterday. So awesome.
He left out the “live-in-a-tent-ers” and “sell-your-body-to-buy-formula-for-the-baby-ers.” There are alot more of those than there were six months ago, so maybe that’s a Macrotrend.
When Mark Penn has his back squeegeed to rid himself of the flop sweat, does he run his lizardly tongue along the edge and say, “Mmmmmmmmmm, pheromones”?
I’m a stuffed, fearless mattress Freddie. or a flow stuffer.`
Ya can’t stuff a mattress when there’s a fat pillow biter holding it down! Move on, Mark Penn!
What he’s saying is that there are three kinds of people, people in the middle, people on one end and people on the other end.
BRILLIANT
[re=277555]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: Dude. It’s lunchtime. Although maybe I should thank you, you just saved me from buying any food…
Penn’s not interested in cogent analysis. He’s trolling for corporate motivational speaking fees. You know, that free market of idiocy where three-piece retards pay huge appearance money in return for pat slogans and meatball management tips. It’s a racket kinda like cheerleader camps or chastity conventions for teens, but with lots more cash.
Look for this to soar up the non-fiction charts.
MICROTREND! There’s just two kinds of people, Mr. Penn: MY kind of people, and assholes. It’s rather obvious which category you fit into. Have a nice day.
[i]My apologies to John Waters and Connie Marble[/i]
Those “granular”s can actually help with constipation.
[re=277570]Atlas Spanked[/re]:
That’s the beauty of today’s hobo-conomy. No one has money to pay Mark Penn’s feed bill.
And assholes who can’t use WordPress tags. Microtrends: is there nothing you can’t explain? Or at least reduce to cutesy marketing-speak vacuities?
[re=277549]Pop Secret[/re]: This may seem like so many innanities to you, but it’s gospel on any of the several planetoids circling Mark Penn’s ass.
Dear WSJ,
I have a microtrend of an offer for you. Fire Mark Penn and hire me. I may lack his particular skills in the ugly, fat, and obnoxious departments, but I promise to churn out the same low-grade, sophomoric garbage for half his asking price.
kthnxbai
Mattress stuffer…is that what the kids are calling it these days?
[re=277575]Pop Secret[/re]: pink flamingos. classic WIN!!
Is there a microtrend for asshats? We can make up a name and call them “Penn-ers”
I always wondered why we waste perfectly good wood pulp on books like this, instead of making it into boxes so the asshats who quote them like a gospel could pack up their personal belongings after they’re laid off.
“Getting to the buffet 3 hours before it opens, handcuffing yourself to the door, and peeing in a Big Gulp cup should nature call, is the key to getting the freshest creamed corn and beef tips in rice.”
P.S. I thought the words “micro” and “Mark Penn” cannot exist in the same vicinity without the protection of quotation marks, lest some explosion occur.
Is Sean Penn using ‘Mark Penn’ as a pen-name so he can pen a future article about how penning animals is wrong? If so, I think he needs to join the Pen 15 club to learn the secrets behind not using your last name when adopting a pseudonym.
Isn’t Mark Penn just a fat Jim Cramer who doesn’t shout as much?
I have a micro trend for you, … its in my pants! One moment while I wip it out.
Which of these three groups is most likely to come out ahead? I believe that one of the extreme groups is going to get it right, and those doing what the pack is doing will simply wind up on a roller coaster ride to nowhere.
If he didn’t write that 15 minutes before turning it into his editor, then I must lower further my opinion of Hillary Clinton.
These microtrends are so boring. When can he write about “Get Stoned all Day on the Sofa-ers”. This is the life-trend that I aspire to.
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