Wonkette
RNC Chairman Michael Steele is VERY SERIOUS about bringing the Republican party back to its glory days of him not being allowed in it. He has sent supporters an e-mail with an objective survey of questions, knowing full well that the results will humble GOP leaders into making some tough acknowledgments. For example, the question above lists every imaginable weakness of the party, so Steele will get an honest read of what’s necessary to complement the party’s unequivocally perfect set of ideas. Another question asks, yes-or-no, if Republican party members “want the government to pass more socialism,” so it’s pretty much a toss-up.[RNC]
Not gay enough.
Sweet. Filling out now. I promise to work Truck Nutz in there somewhere.
meh.
needs more Scarborough.
>[Still voting for racist, science-hating asshats]
They might start with their nearly illiterate, randomly capitalized questions. A weakness is “Standing Up for Principles”? Or is it not standing up? What is “Need to Lead in Congress”? Good/bad? And that last one should be: “being RetaRded”
They are a very Special party, indeed. I doubt that any of them can bowl real good. Also.
Needs more colorful outfits.
*check* need to keep it real and bring it.
*check* not enough gay sex scandals with male prostitutes and/or boys and/or airport bathrooms
*check* too much pandering to “those people”
*check* not enough fat, old, white males
not open enough about connections to Mormons, Scientologists, and Moonies.
*check* moar Mittens!
I want the Government to SPAWN MORE OVERLORDS.
Is it just me, or do some of those yes/no questions seem a wee bit leading?
voting for the opposite of push-polls is so meaningful. we are all truly making a difference in our communities.
“What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?”
-BIRTH CONTROL
When asking for educational level of their respondants, they optimistically list “High school” as the minimum possible level. Also, when asking for age, they forgot to list the option “under 13, with firm, smooth bottom and likes being mentored by older, distinguished men.”
The Republican Party’s greatest weakness in the 2006 and 2008 elections was:
a) Caring too much about America;
b) Standing up to Terrorists and Satan;
c) Being sissies about more tax cuts;
d) Not spray-painting themselvles red, white and blue and having a giant homo yiffpile in the middle of Nebraska.
How can we capture more of the crucial Greed demographic?
I’m pretty sure this is exactly what they’re looking for:
x_ Other:
GOP needs MOAR TRUCK NUTS! and Ja-heeeeeeee-zuss and SARAH PALIN-LIMBAUGH, LESS TeLePr000mPtErZ1!!1!! and ACORNZ!!!11!!!1!!! and M000ººººZLINS! DUH!
Garbage in, garbage out.
SayItWithWookies: Thank you for increasing my vocabulary: i.e. yiffpile. Priceless.
What are the weaknesses of the Republican Party?
…
* Standing Up for Principles
So does checking this off mean you think Republicans DON’T stand up for principles enough, or that Republicans DO stand up for principles and the voters are amoral scumbags who hate that?
Is this ok with Rush Limpdick?
I don’t Clayton Bigsby cleared with el druggo
SayItWithWookies: I’m sure you meant to type “Kansas”.
DoctorCulturae: I can’t take the credit for that — I think Josh Fruhlinger wrote it here first, in the context of furry orgies.
You know, I was feeling generous. In the first blank where they asked “What can the GOP do to regain your trust” I wrote out four or five paragraphs explaining every major reason I knew for why the Republicans are in the piss-poor shape they’re in. I was generous to them and gave them real, earnest answers about how they seem to lack compassion, need to have less dogmatism within their party, more ideas and less raw emotion, and how they need to look for leaders who can inspire all Americans, not just their base. It was the most honest and “in good faith” I’ve been with Republicans for years.
Then I started filling out the rest of the survey. What a bunch of half-assed, ideological shitheads. I deleted everything I wrote. Fuck ‘em. The Republican Party can go to hell. Straight to hell.
NebraskashireGentry: Oops — or Oklahoma, whichever is least represented here.
Under Education Background, I like how they assume these retards even went to high school. They should have started the answer choices at Grades K-5. Or better yet, ‘At what age did you complete your schooling?” and then list Age 8-12, Age 13-18, etc.
I’ve actually written a lot of surveys & know that unless your answer options allow for EVERY variable, the results aren’t worth a shit. Whoever wrote this survey needs to go back to high school at the least.
SayItWithWookies: Hahaha. I only checked “other” on that one and typed in “your base.”
L Urchin: Jink, I owe you a coke. It’s like our minds were separated at birth!
4. Do you oppose so-called “card-check” legislation, which eliminates secret ballot elections during unionization drives and puts workers at risk of intimidation by labor bosses?
Yes yes I oppose so-called “card-check” legislation, cuz those powerful unions, which represent about 8 percent of American workers, and a lot less than that if you exclude government employees, are just going to ruin America. Unions are terrible! Because they….well, I had it here somewhere, really….Here it is: unions are terrible cuz Rush says so.
That is all
Wouldja please pass the socialism?
Stop the presses! The real reason the Republicans are such failures: God “Will not give happy ending.”
Right now the BBC is my favorite news source in the whole world.
PS — Why, God — Whyyyyy?
5. What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party? Check all that apply.
X - More Aggressive E-mail Campaigns
X - More Aggressive Text Messages
X - More Aggressive use of Twitter
Other: Testosterone Suppositories
SayItWithWookies: Props to Josh then and to you for the usage.
i hope michael steele never goes away; few people exemplify the republican’s continuing commitment to packaging mediocrity in a shiny new exterior with quite the same level of epic fail. i hope he runs for president one day; you know, god willing.
Need more urban-suburban hip-hop settings please. Ok, thanks.
I’d say a lack of anger management is one of the biggies.
gurukalehuru: Not openlyl gay enough.
1. Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections?
Too much Joe the Plumber. Not enough Here’s the Answers.
2. What are the key strengths and beliefs of the Republican Party that we can build on?
Rich people are inherently better than poor people.
3. What are the weaknesses of the Republican Party?
A. Focus on the Family
B. NASCAR
C. NAMBLA
4. What is the best way to encourage and register new voters in your community?
Sign up people in airport bathrooms.
5. What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?
Put Arlen Specter on the space shuttle and don’t bring him back until 2012.
6. What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?
A. Stop wearing diapers.
B. Stop going to Britney Spears concerts.
C. Get Boehner out of the tanning booth.
D. Publish more hilarious comedy books like The Road to Recovery.
Oh…I totes think the Republican party should use Twitter more aggressively! At what point will they stop digging?
NEEDS MORE YELLING. YELLING IS PERSUASIVE.
What? No “All Of The Above?”
THAT’S not “off the hook!”
Republicans that don’t vote like Republicans.
Do as we say, not as we do. Never question our motives, because Jeebus might put a tick mark next to your name.
They have received the following suggestions for their message:
- ban public education, require faith based home schooling on a curriculum developed by the facutly at Oral Roberts and Liberty universities.
- Appoint Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber as the official public spokespeople of the GOP
- Require that all adult Americans be required to own at least ten guns each, keep two in the house at ready reach and the rest buried in a cache out back.
loudmouthredhead:
I turned 43 a few weeks back only to learn I share my birthday with Mitt’s.
It kinda made 43 worse than the big 4-0.
-check- We should be wearing the hoods with pride, again.
Oh, and the GOP platform should come out firmly against the Amero and should require the FBI and secret service to search out and melt down or burn existing Ameros.
loudmouthredhead: Win.
I’m a registered Republican.
But when I read the way they worded the specific questions under Parts II and III, my blood boiled and my heart sank.
(I know, I know: Mix that metaphor!)
Much as I hate to make all you Smug Liberal Anti-Gun Weenies in here feel any better . . .but . . .
We’re FUCKED.
6. What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?
Die.
Terry:
Spokespeople?
The only language those two speak is “Authentic Frontier Gibberish”.
Jesus, they even bring up the Fairness Doctrine in there. I’m surprised ACORN isn’t in there or at least a question about whether or not Republicans should fight to make sure every candidate for President is actually born in America
Jukesgrrl: Bravo
Anyone else plea for them to openly advocate their principles favoring gay/child sex and race-baiting? Just me?
loudmouthredhead: “What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?”
Guillotines
Neilist: I’m pro-gun and I’m a socialist.
I’m no weenie but then again you aren’t either. It takes balls to be a Republican and not bullshit yourself these days. So I’d like to shake your hand for that.
shanemacgowan: I had to use the porcelain throne after filling that out, so have forgotten most specifics, but I do remember I wrote in ’seppuku’ for at least two or three of the questions.
Bad Messaging:
Should we change our policy of hate speech?
Poor Response to Democrats:
Should we say something other than “cut taxes?”
Republicans who don’t vote like Republicans:
Should we stop voting as a single organism?
Standing up for principles:
Should we cultivate a set of principles?
Need to lead in Congress:
Should we be the majority party?
Other:
Should we just say fuck it and fold, or should we keep embarrassing ourselves like there’s no tomorrow?
Wait, Hip-Hop didn’t solve all of their problems?
SayItWithWookies: Oh noes! God has touched me in so many ways, I have yielded to him, I have prostrated myself before him - and no “happy ending”?
And to think I fell for that “I will lead you unto Paradise” line.
Okay, first the teleprompter stuff from Ed Henry and Politico, yesterday the Repub budget, today this survey, and all of this is suppose to be serious? Am I in a Twilight Zone episode?
Uhh,,,stale ideas; hoping America fails; John Cornyn; paucity of leadership; homophobia (while having every closet case in Congress in the GOP); starting idiotic wars that kill our young; butchering nature; disregarding science; spending money like drunken sailors (then blaming the Democrats), OR
All of the Above (plus oh so many more).
What an idiotic exercise. Why not just go hire a consulting firm to travel America to talk to housewives and gum smacking teens. That would be research you could take to the bank. “The money bank.”
Uncle Glenny: I requested nude photos of Michelle Bachmann at least once.
“If currently enrolled in “Plumming 4 Dummies” correspondence course, please print out completed survey and flush to return.”
Terry: The amazing thing about the Amero business is that the GOP is still mired in the New World Order fantasies that they came up with during Bush I and continued with Janet Reno and her black helicopters and UN forces patrolling our streets, etc. Those fevered dreams still linger. Incredible.
“Bad Messaging” = racy Mark Foley biopic
Hooray For Anything: Oh, it’s in there. Part 2, #9. Should we resist Barack Obama’s proposal to spend billions of federal taxpayer dollars to pay “volunteers” who perform his chosen tasks?
> Nah, just lay there and take it.
hobospacejungle: With modifications to allow self-triggering? Come on. How lazy is this revolution?
What exactly is the point of a push-poll aimed at your base? To make sure they really, REALLY agree with you?
I checked Twitter for the new technology. Just so I can continue to say things like “John McCain twatted something really asinine today”.
Fun!
*check* Other: Awesum budget diagrams too complex for avg. Rethuglican to understand (but colors rilly pretty)
hobospacejungle: WIN! “And that was the week that was…“
meyotch: I stand corrected. I also noticed the question about whether or not the US should serve under UN Commanders, another burning issue these days.
If I were the DNC, I’d hire a bunch of people to try and answer the questions as they’d imagine a Limbaugh listener would so the RNC would get a whole bunch of surveys telling them that they should just keep on doing what they’re doing now. Except with more flow charts.
I was going to answer this survey, but for some strange reason I have an urge to go to my closest Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for an order of chicken with waffles and gravy first.
Neilist: So… just how many times did you vote for Bu(ll)sh(it) - both on literal ballots AND in your heart & soul (to the extent that Registered ReThuglicans actually possess hearts or souls of their own)?
It’s important to quantify this, as you own an unavoidable Karmic debt of exactly [One (1) Eternity in Hell] for each literal and figurative vote…
I find that graphic insulting to retarded folk.
I would rather have the How’s Your News? team run the country than the set of personality disorders that passes for Republican these days.
I suggest a new graphic -
Other: Mild to Severe Delusions and/or Personality Disorders
ForTheTurnstiles: Neilist: I’m anti-gun and I own a gun!
In 2000, I was a registered Republican for the sole purpose of voting against Bush in the primary (Yea! McCain 2000!). Last year I re-registered Dem for the sole purpose of voting against Hillary in the primary. Maybe in 2012 I’ll re-register Republican for the sole purpose of voting against any sane Repub (if they can find one by then) who looks like he might be able to beat Barry.
This is assuming the republic is still intact and they allow us to do any of that quaint ‘voting’ stuff anymore.
Teh GOP needs to maintain a wide stance and appeal to the massive community of closeted, self-loathing gays and lesbians. If they can lock up all of them (figuratively, of course), they can re-re-elect their leader, Boosh.
I was somewhat disappointed to see that “more bathroom cocksucking” wasn’t an option to increase membership in the party. That might possibly seal the deal for me.
Remember in the movie “Men in Black” with the flashy thing that would make people forget some alien from Mars they just saw. The repubs. need a “flashy thing” for the entire country to forget they ever knew “W”. That, sport fans, is their only hope.
This should fix ‘em!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
Is Sarah Palin sporting a pokey in that SarahPAC ad? Hawt.
I feel kind of bad. My response was completely sincere, even if it wasn’t very nice.
Rush: Perhaps like AIG they could change the name of the party to something like: the Grand Old Party of W.
Truck Nutz at 6969 Truck Nutz Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90210 has many things to say.
Lascauxcaveman: Yeah, I did that in the primaries, for the exact same reasons, in 2000, 1996 (”I’m a Buchanan-Man”) AND 1992, and for Du Pont in ‘88, since I knew ReThuglicans would justchoke on voting for someone named “Pierre”…
The high point of all this partisan duplicity was that as I was leaving the primary polls in ‘92, I ran into a tv crew that asked my opinion - I told them I thought Pat Buchanan was a fascist scumbag; I assume it played on the locals that night, but I’d forgotten about it until the Monday morn before the ‘92 General, when I walked through the cafeteria to get to my office and one of the food-ladies stopped me to gleefully say she’d seen me on ‘Face The Nation’ that past Sunday, calling Pat Buchanan a fascist scumbag! God bless America…
I suggest the name Antidemocrats.
What are the key strengths and beliefs of the Republican Party that we can build on?
The George Costanza philosophy: It’s not a lie if you believe it.
What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?
Cryopreservation (for holding on to those aging voters)
What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?
Shoot Sarah Palin from a helicopter and flush Joe the Plumber down the toilet.
They won’t let me vote twice, so will someone please…PLEASE…say they are Larry Craig and list their current residence as “The Man Hole”?
Neilist: Love (for our kitty peeps!) covers a multitude of sins.
OK so did you bother w/registering and such, taking the “survey”? DO IT- and there at the end there- um… yer gonna hafta give em some PAPER to have yer fuckin oh-pin-yun takin into ‘count!!! DOIT like nike babaaaay!! hilARious….. “do you thinthat the Republikkkan parTAY should UNITE to FIGHT agin SOSHULIZMs un such cuzza that dam Barack bin Lad’n? Do you LOVE ME????? Check YES or NO!!!
‘N gimme sumadat ‘mployment monies… yer HOARDIN’. deadbeat.
That’s right. Get a suicidal cabal of cranky old white farts to think about all the reasons they suck. You be da man! And now this word from Michelle Bachman: Mmmphfffphhmmfff.
loudmouthredhead: Done! Larry Craig, from “The Man Hole” in Boylove, Idaho has made himself heard!
He really, really wants a pro-fisting plank to be part of the 2010 platform.
“Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections?”
-Got fewer votes than Dems
Alpha O. Mega: How about unDemocrats? Worked for 7up.
new GOP ad:
To wall street to main street from sesame street! Meet our new leader….Michael “Ernie” Steele!
What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?
Whitey-tape recorder.
4. What is the best way to encourage and register new voters in your community? Check all that apply.
__ ACORN.
__ Leave a pints of fresh blood around the place.
__ Summon them with seances.
__ Invite the Vienna Boys’ Choir.
Republicans that don’t vote like Republicans.
Need to take into account Republicans that don’t vote like Republicans that don’t vote like Republicans. Also.
So what’s this I hear about the ShamWow dude being arrested for beating the shit of a $1,000 hooker?
What is the best way to encourage and register new voters in your community?
hire ACORNZ!!11!!….
and if that fails offer up Megens Mchaynz for free night of chunky pussy but she fucks it up by yappin too long about Ann “The Man” Coulta so u say fuk this and break north.
Radio says I like bote!!!I like bote!!!
Well shit, I’m all revved up from a Tori Amos/PJ Harvey flamewar. I was hoping for some pro-Steele trolls here on Wonkette to kick around.
To slow to re-appropriate the “N” word from the niggers.
Custerwolf: i wonder if ShamWow swabs up prison ass cream.
The GOP is really into surveys, but do they listen?
All that time we spent over at rebuildtheparty.com to cradt and vote for great new ideas like the conservative internet (Redtube), TruckNutz for all, and Republican Boot camps. Did Steele even bother to adopt a single one? He is a discrace to the party.
BTW who put the Hip-Hop GOP in as a suggestion? I don’t remember voting for that one, but I guess he listened to that one.
Did anyone else notice that that certain states do not deserve capital letters? I couldn’t figure out if these are such Blue states that they have been demoted from capialization or the home skooled staffer has some grudge, etc
To those of you with your proud high-skool educationalists, I had to choose Trade Skool because home skool waznt an option
This self-revelatory “weakness” survey is the dumbest thing since Steele said that it was his deliberate “strategy” to call the fat fool an entertainer so that everyone can have a good laugh at both expense. The right answer to this survey is to check every box and “other.” What a tool.
“Being Retarded”?
How mature. You’re due for a smackdown from Snowbilly for that remark.
Gurkman: and sexting.
About that socialism question mentioned in the post, here’s the full text:
“1. A recent national poll reported that nearly 25% of Americans want the government to pass more socialism. Do you agree or disagree?”
I wanted to vote in favor of more socialism, but I though the question was unclear. I worried that they might just use my poll to show that respondents don’t agree that 25% of Americans are in favor of more socialism. As highly biased surveys go, this was poorly written.
Am I right in thinking that this stupid socialism-phobia was created by the McCain campaign at about the same time as Joe the Plumber?
SayItWithWookies: If God won’t do it, I will. I’ll even go down to $15. Times are tuff…
I tried so hard to get it perfect, but I had a typo! Serves me right for bitching about grammar.
TheCleve: It was at the moment that question appeared that the purpose of the survey became apparent. They aren’t fishing for ideas, but validation. Thus, they bust out the sort of poll even Zogby wouldn’t do for them.
Neilist: I live in NY and I do a lot of local and state lobby visits and go to political events. Most NY Republicans I know wish the National Republicans would STFU. In the special election for Gillibrand’s congressional seat, the Republican (Tedisco) had a double digit lead until the national republicans came to help him. He is now down by 4. This was a seat that was Republican for decades and the only reason Gillibrand won was the previous Republican was facing a slew of ethics charges and was voted one of the 20 most corrupt politicians in the US. It’s getting to the point where your guys are looking more like Dixiecrats than Republicans and you are seriously fucked.
Bearbloke: I admit it. I voted for Bush the first time. (I’m a nutcase, but not a liar.) If Gore had admitted that Bill showed questionable judgment by waving his weenie in front of a fat, poetry-spouting BBW in a beret, I would have gone the other way. But Al had his tongue so far up Bill’s behind he lacked credibility. But I admit I made a mistake.
ForTheTurnstiles: ALL Socialists should have guns. FOR THE REVOLUTIONE!
Alldat: Hell, cats should have guns. Siamese cats, anyway. The little slant-eye COMMIES.
But - Jesus H. Christ On A Bicycle - that poll was embarassing. All you commie pinko fags in here can relax: At this rate, the GOP is going to have to renew its “Mental Patient Outreach Program.”
Heck, that’s how they found me . . . .
doloras: kekekekeke!
Thanks for participating in this survey!
No union labor was used in the preparation of this survey.
When complete, please print it out on non-recycled paper, tie it to a brick and throw it at a poor person. The RNC thanks you!
“What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?”
Lethal injection
“Republicans that don’t vote like Republicans.”
I think it’s because of Republicans that DO vote like Republicans, but that wasn’t an option.
I’m gonna hafta go with the first choice: bad massaging.
I’m very reassured. If this is how the RNC is conducting its outreach, they’ll do a great job of holding onto South Carolina and most of Tennessee.
“What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?”
Those little cars where lots and lots of clowns come out of. And TeLePromPTers, also.
Why don’t the Repubs just come out of the closet and change their motto to “Confederacy First”?
Cicada: My day: You has made it.
Jukesgrrl: Win
Personally, I’d like to see more republicans dress in gaily-colored NASCAR racing suits, the only men in uniform the GOP seems to actually respect.
Servo: Actually, I was thinking less in terms of a motto change, and more in terms of a name change to more accurately reflect their current trajectory: the Whigs.
More witty gestures like they’re doing over at Redstate, ie EVERYONE TURN ON ALL YOUR LIGHTS FOR EARTH HOUR!!
Me, I’m going to crap my pants and walk around in it - THAT’LL TEACH THOSE LIBS!!!
L Urchin: Rethugrican assclowns. Ha! Lead in Congress. Fat chance since y’all got utterly pwned about five months ago, at that thing that America likes to call elections (you know, that process you want to abolish).
Cicada: The point would be to get the base fired up and return the contribution envelope enclosed with the survey?
El Pinche: No, it’s too viscous. …not that I would know.
Bearbloke: As a stickler for details, I’d like to point out that the unavoidable Karmic debt of exactly [One (1) Eternity in Hell] also accrues for each each literal and figurative vote for Ralph Nader.
just sayin’
ForTheTurnstiles: I agree, but also think only blatant cowards use guns. Killing made easy.
Scottie: Have you no Sham?
El Pinche: I think they’re greatest endorsement comes from K-lo who uses them as panty-liners.
Custerwolf: Why’d I compound that word?
Their -
that’s
better.
Here are my entries:
Josephine Plumber Number 2 John Street Flushing, NY plungerwoman@yahoo.com
1.why did they lose? - they suck 2.key strengths - gay bathroom sex 3.weaknesses - they are evil bastards 4.best way to encourage new voters - free blowjobs 5.technology - teleportation to Pluto 6.how to earn and maintain trust - Become Democrats
And TRUCKNUTZ, too. Also.
MarieDeGournay: Lenin claimed that printing presses are the means of production for revolutions. That may have worked with literate people. Today, it’s all about the pr0n.
I answered with an old name, old address and every possible winger response I could stand to mark. The only thing could be summed up in a short sentence: Should the Republican Party be more or less douchey?
SayItWithWookies: There’s okie in the list and said pile would be just what this state needs.
ForTheTurnstiles: It’s not so much that ‘anyone’ who uses or owns a gun is a coward, but there’s something extremely disturbing how fetishized they’ve become in this country. The strange equalizing of guns with concepts such as freedom, manhood, ‘America.’ The very fact that anyone who is either scared of guns, for dismisses them as machines only good for killing or maiming is a ‘weenie’ (do your own analysis of that term) bespeaks a deepseated neurosis. I’ve held them, shot them, and in the end they scared me. Something about the distance with which I could end the life of another being, the fact that I didn’t have to see their face. It bothered me. Sorry, for the over explaining.
MarieDeGournay: I am PETRIFIED of guns. My boyfriend has one for defending us against sticker bums (meth-heads who live in the woods), but I can’t even bring myself to hold it, loaded or not (the gun, not me).
Custerwolf: You wouldn’t want to shoot a meth-head anyway, if you can avoid it.
The carcass doesn’t have much meat, because they’re so skinny. And they’re hard to clean.
On top of that: The heads make terrible trophies. No teeth or tusks, usually.
Although the stained black Iron Maiden tee shirts can make for nice display items if mounted properly.
MarieDeGournay: I really resent that “fetish” remark. Just because, after reading that GOP poll, I stood naked in the living room of my condo, tracking cars going up the 110 Freeway into Pasadena through the scope of my Barrett 99, does not mean that I’m a “fetishist.”
Despite where I had the leather strap . . . .
But everyone in L.A. does things like that. It’s . . . normal. Now, in Orange County they have some REAL weirdos.
they need to “roll back” all the socialist programs. No parks, No schools, No libraries. All Ron Paul all the time on all Wingnut am radio and intertubes.
Even if they were dousing themselves with Exxon-Mobil bubblin’ crude and torching their nude asspile in Kansas, I wouldn’t have voted for the Party of Bodines and Clampettes.
“Pass more socialsim”? What the hell does that even MEAN, “pass more socialism”? Sounds like an ailment that grips one’s intestinal tract after eating too many communist beans. YES! I would like you to eat more commie beans and fart out affordable health care, well funded education for every child and mass transit that runs everywhere on time. I WANT to live in a SOCIALIST HELL HOLE like Sweden. I do! I do!
1. Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections?
Wild dogs.
2. What are the key strengths and beliefs of the Republican Party that we can build on?
Snappy uniforms; free cheese.
3. What are the weaknesses of the Republican Party?
Exploding Hover-rounds.
4. What is the best way to encourage and register new voters in your community?
Better snacks; snuggly-fitting thongs; masturbation.
5. What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?
Aeroplanes; Postit notes; ribbed condoms. .
6. What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?
Fries with that; casual Saturday; book burnings.
Part Deux
1. Should Republicans unite to block new federal government bureaucracy and red tape that will crush future economic growth?
Stool softener.
2. Should Republicans in Congress oppose the new wasteful government spending programs passed in the recent “stimulus” bill by the Pelosi-Reid Democrats designed to “spread the wealth”?
Twice a week; My Little Pony.
3. Do you agree that we must secure our borders to stop illegal immigration?
Herpes; spy satellites.
4. Should we do everything we can to block Democrats who are trying to shut down conservative talk radio with the so-called “fairness doctrine”?
Household pets; ribbed condoms.
5. Should we resist Barack Obama’s proposal to spend billions of federal taxpayer dollars to pay “volunteers” who perform his chosen tasks?
Sean Hannity; premature ejaculation.
6. Should Republicans unite in opposition to judicial nominees who bring a personal, left-wing agenda on social issues to their jobs as judges?
Kathy Jean Lopez; live sex shows.
7. Should bureaucrats in Washington, DC be in charge of making your health care choices instead of you and your doctor?
See above.
Part III. Homeland Security and Defense Issues
1. If Barack Obama tries to gut the USA PATRIOT Act and other important laws that promote the safety and security of all Americans, should Republicans in Congress fight back?
Jonah Goldberg; butt love; eating disorder; Kathy Jean Lopez.
2. Should we stop Democrat leaders from cutting funding from our intelligence agencies or bringing back Clinton-era restrictions on inter-agency communications?
Comcast.
3. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?
Tennessee.
4. Should Republicans unite in support of full funding for border and port security when Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid try to make cuts in these areas?
Skin parasites; William Kristol; more Mexicans; Kathy Jean Lopez.
5. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations’ commanders?
Nancy Pelosi.
6. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?
Negroes.
7. Should we fight military-cutting efforts in Congress, such as the proposal from liberal Barney Frank to slash the Pentagon budget by 25%?
The return of Disco.
8. Even though Barack Obama pledged to meet personally with the likes of Raul Castro, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, should Republicans continue to focus on supporting democratic movements in oppressive states like Cuba, Venezuela and Iran?
Planet Krypton; Arizona; the American Enterprise Institute.
Part IV. Personal Information
(Notice: this section is optional, but will help give us a more complete survey prospective. Because we value your privacy, any information you provide will be kept strictly confidential.)
Employment Status:
Kennel Club; Inmate - Allenwood minimal detention center.
Education Background:
Starship Academy.
Are you active within your local Republican Party?
If “Yes” and you would like to elaborate on your activities, please do so here:
Waffen SS
I’m half amused and half terrified they will take my good Mr. TruckNutzzzz’s suggestion of “Moar Jack Chick pamplets insted of laws” seriously.
The quality of this survey was so bad, it leads me to think Mark Penn is now working for the other side.
S.Luggo: Too funny! Must take survey now and will try to bring up Larry Craig c/o The Manhole.
I agree, this survey does not really make the Republican party look very good.
-billorders84
http://bill84121.blogspot.com
Ann Coulter
181 Realtors Place
Doucheville, FL
peeonme@hotmail.com
1. Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections?
Black, shriveled hearts
2. What are the key strengths and beliefs of the Republican Party that we can build on?
Make good sandwiches
3. What are the weaknesses of the Republican Party?
Not hip-hop enough
4. What is the best way to encourage and register new voters in your community?
Free personality tests
5. What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party?
Laser robot kittens
6. What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?
Stop lying.
Gold-Digging Nanny: Point.
Wow! That was cathartic! Gotta go! That felt so good, I’ve got to hit it again!
Bruno: The quality of this survey is such that Steele’s sister’s consulting firm must’ve pocketed something in the comfy 6 figures to throw word spaghetti at the Interwebs and see if any of it sticks.
Godot: So what are the principles of the Giant Octopus Party? Restore slavery? Have a Christian Republic like Cromwell’s? Lord Protector and all? I don’t think anyone can mention balancing the budget and Republican Party in the same sentence without everyone shitting their pants laughing.
Zhu Bajie
That was cathartic…I especially enjoyed recommending a door-to-door “wide-stance” approach to campaigning. I forged an email address to register, so I do feel sorry for the poor scmuck who is about to recieve a crapload of RNC emails to their gmail account.