Welfare Recipients Should Say No To Drugs, Yes To Cheap American Beer

by Sara K. Smith

Dook dook dookSo this news channel embedded deep in Bitters country — West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky — runs the occasional poll asking such probing questions as “Do you plan to buy mulch from the city of Charleston?” Here is a new favorite. [WSAZ Polls]

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V572625694 March 27, 2009 at 12:14 pm

We could solve this once and for all by making sterilization a requirement for welfare. Wake up, people!

Fox n Fiends March 27, 2009 at 12:17 pm

cocaine use is a priviledge, not a right!

Crow T. Robot March 27, 2009 at 12:17 pm

As long as they’re keeping it economical–crack, crank and ditch weed, I don’t mind. But hell yeah, if they’re doin’ coke they don’t need welfare.

user-of-owls March 27, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Well, this is certainly good news for legions of rabbits and rhesus monkeys in medical labs around the country!

What? Oh…

Doglessliberal March 27, 2009 at 12:19 pm

The poll has an ad for Bud on it? I love it.

magic titty March 27, 2009 at 12:20 pm

They left out the word ‘black’ in front of welfare recipients, but the respondents were on top of the situation, nonetheless.

shanemacgowan March 27, 2009 at 12:20 pm

How much overlap do you believe there is between those who don’t wear helmets while riding an ATV and those who view Pres. Obama less favorably after his Tonight Show appearance?

Vewol Mevemont March 27, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Does this include corn farmers, financial firm executives, and everyone who works as a defense contractor?

BillyClubb March 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Couldn’t the money spent on these tests be put to a better use, like welfare?

Oh nevermind, drug testing for everybody at least means that there will be jobs for the drug testers.

Sir, before you hand me your urine sample, could you at least try to pee in the cup and not on it?”

binarian March 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm

They sure have some wacky-ass polls there. Are teachers unions bad? Do you plan to attend the Appalachian Power Park opening? Does “sexting” concern you? Do you walk to work or take a lunch?

queeraselvis v 2.0 March 27, 2009 at 12:31 pm

My favorite: Does it upset you when national comedians like Jay Leno make fun of West Virginia?

This poll is built on several faulty assumptions: a) West Virginians have TVs; b) West Virginians have electricity; and c) West Virginians know who Jay Leno is.

WadISay March 27, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=275057]binarian[/re]: If you had teeth, what would you brush them with?

user-of-owls March 27, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=275062]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: …and d) Jay Leno is a comedian.

Oh also: apparently, local comedians are free to do as their wont.

user-of-owls March 27, 2009 at 12:35 pm

[re=275057]binarian[/re]: [re=275065]WadISay[/re]: Do you participate on online polls? Yes or No.

Mustang March 27, 2009 at 12:38 pm

[re=275065]WadISay[/re]: What kind of animal do you like most to date?

ProfessorJukes March 27, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Beautiful. Thank you Wonkette!

[re=275057]binarian[/re]: I plan to walk to the Power Park opening while sexting with the lunch lady.

Texan Bulldoggette March 27, 2009 at 12:40 pm

[re=275046]Crow T. Robot[/re]: You forgot sniffing glue or anything from an aerosol can or their sister’s panties.

Serolf Divad March 27, 2009 at 12:41 pm

OMFG, I love these polls:

Do you plan to go and watch the implosion of Building 82?
Do you plan to attend opening day at Appalachian Power Park?
Do you plan to skip work or school to watch the NCAA basketball tournament?
Do you plan to skip work to watch WVU in the NCAA Tournament?

It’s like there’s only one thing at a time to do in all of West Virginia, and half the time you’ve got to skip work to do it.

S.Luggo March 27, 2009 at 12:44 pm

“What is your favorite Easter candy?”
A: Live baby chicks.
B. Meth.
C. Dog food.
D. All.

“When should Robert Byrd die?”
A. Soon.
B. After forgets how to spell “earmark”.
C. In a week.
D. He dead.

The Cold Sea March 27, 2009 at 12:46 pm

What do you like to do on Friday night?

Huff gasoline
Fuck the dog

Come here a minute March 27, 2009 at 12:46 pm

Should welfare recipients be permitted to own cell phones?

- Yes
- No
X The King of Beers

sati demise March 27, 2009 at 12:48 pm

As long as ‘bail out’ recipients have to undergo drug testing, too.
They can have a Bud afterward.

shortsshortsshorts March 27, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Beer promotes procreation, which leads to new births. Jesus is pleased. You heathens wouldn’t understand.

BigBrainOnBrad March 27, 2009 at 12:50 pm

“When your daughter began m*nstruationg did your son’s d*ck taste different?”

magic titty March 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=275068]user-of-owls[/re]: Win.
[re=275079]S.Luggo[/re]: Also, Win. Also.

donner_froh March 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm

I am going to Charleston to watch the implosion of Building 82 while drinking Budweiser and eating my favorite Easter candy.

shanemacgowan March 27, 2009 at 12:52 pm

[re=275079]S.Luggo[/re]: [re=275083]The Cold Sea[/re]: [re=275084]Come here a minute[/re]: Wins.

Gopherit March 27, 2009 at 12:53 pm

[re=275055]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: And, of course, all of congress and their staffers.

LittlePig March 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=275057]binarian[/re]: Our local Bozo the clown (Gary Weir – I think he was the only Bozo blessed by Larry Harmon outside of Chicago) would ask little kids “Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?”

It was fun watching the smoke come out of their little heads.

OffTheRecord March 27, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Bahahahahhaah. This is the news station we would always watch when I was growing up. They are special. And not in the good way.

Also, there are approximately three people in the entire WSAZ viewing area who could pass a drug test so they all just really need to shut the fuck up.

S.Luggo March 27, 2009 at 1:03 pm

[re=275083]The Cold Sea[/re]: +

StrangelyBrown March 27, 2009 at 1:10 pm

The percentages in that screencap vaguely imply that only 9 people voted. Amazing that they could get everyone in West Virginia with internet access to participate in this one poll…

Internally valid March 27, 2009 at 1:11 pm

This poll has clear implications for policy-makers. Alert your congressperson!

However, you would get the same positive response rate if the question was “should welfare recipients be required to perform manual labor at your house for the rest of their, and their children’s, lives to earn their keep?”

So maybe West Virginia should just go fuck itself (possible??).

hobospacejungle March 27, 2009 at 1:12 pm

What? Nobody mentions that Bud is no longer a cheap ‘American’ beer? Ain’t it owned by Belgians or some other stinky, no-showering, teeth-havin’ Europeens?

Win win win to all with their alternative polls. If I were more awake I’d laugh more heartily but you have made me smile after that weird dream I had. Thank you.

x111e7thst March 27, 2009 at 1:16 pm

[re=275062]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I knew a West Virginian once. Mention any kind of roadkill, he could tell you what it tasted like.

Internally valid March 27, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Suggest your poll questions here:


Can you read?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Hamburger

the cold war makes me hot March 27, 2009 at 1:30 pm

[re=275091]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: If you’re old enough to bleed, you’re old enough to breed.

norbizness March 27, 2009 at 1:33 pm

That site is annoying what with its duellingbanjo.mid file that I can’t shut down.

Naked Bunny with a Whip March 27, 2009 at 1:36 pm

We need more drug testing, and not just for welfare recipients. If we had more drug testing, I might get better quality mary jane

Uncle Glenny March 27, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=275124]hobospacejungle[/re]: Belgians took over West Virginia?

DC Hates Me March 27, 2009 at 1:50 pm

[re=275160]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Word on the street is Charleston has high quality mulch.

ProfessorJukes March 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Should free 40 oz. bottles of Budweiser be handed out to hard-working white people in West Virginia?

-Yes, monthly
-Yes, weekly
-I prefer ‘tall-boy’ cans

LittlePig March 27, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Somehow the fine folks of West Va strike me more as Olde English 800 fans.

queeraselvis v 2.0 March 27, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=275232]LittlePig[/re]: Busch Natural, in a 40.

Bearbloke March 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=275232]LittlePig[/re]: [re=275177]ProfessorJukes[/re]: Not even – they’re into the big green Mickey’s Big Mouth 40s – the only malt liquor preferred by toothless redneck bitterz who’d rather vote for McWALNUTS! than “that nigger NObama”

skyinator March 27, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Down here in Lee County, Florida the local paper has a poll also. I reads like this: “Should Unemployment Recipients Be Drug Tested”? 85% of on-line voters answered YES. I would tag if for ya but I’m too high.

Bearbloke March 27, 2009 at 3:18 pm

And this is why:

1) I make my own damn beer, bread, porn and (as soon as Obama approves it, “in the name of America’s energy security, industrial competitiveness, and environmental stability”) weed;

and 2) I wouldn’t drink that Budweiser horse-piss at gunpoint.

TJBeck March 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm

[re=275066]user-of-owls[/re]: Actually, apparently national comedeians can do what they want, too. Leno is winning that poll. http://www.wsaz.com/polls?pollID=41078687

WSAZ Poll Results and Past Polls
Results: Does it upset you when national comedians like Jay Leno make fun of West Virginia?
Poll Results:
Yes – 39.4%
No – 60.6%
Total Responses – 1288

Bruno March 28, 2009 at 7:07 am

Yes, let’s institute $300 weekly drug tests for welfare recipients. This is a very logical use of bitterz money. I’d rather be sure people are “clean” than “fed”

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