Dook dook dookSo this news channel embedded deep in Bitters country — West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky — runs the occasional poll asking such probing questions as “Do you plan to buy mulch from the city of Charleston?” Here is a new favorite. [WSAZ Polls]

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  1. As long as they’re keeping it economical–crack, crank and ditch weed, I don’t mind. But hell yeah, if they’re doin’ coke they don’t need welfare.

  2. How much overlap do you believe there is between those who don’t wear helmets while riding an ATV and those who view Pres. Obama less favorably after his Tonight Show appearance?

  3. Couldn’t the money spent on these tests be put to a better use, like welfare?

    Oh nevermind, drug testing for everybody at least means that there will be jobs for the drug testers.

    Sir, before you hand me your urine sample, could you at least try to pee in the cup and not on it?”

  4. They sure have some wacky-ass polls there. Are teachers unions bad? Do you plan to attend the Appalachian Power Park opening? Does “sexting” concern you? Do you walk to work or take a lunch?

  5. My favorite: Does it upset you when national comedians like Jay Leno make fun of West Virginia?

    This poll is built on several faulty assumptions: a) West Virginians have TVs; b) West Virginians have electricity; and c) West Virginians know who Jay Leno is.

  6. OMFG, I love these polls:

    Do you plan to go and watch the implosion of Building 82?
    Do you plan to attend opening day at Appalachian Power Park?
    Do you plan to skip work or school to watch the NCAA basketball tournament?
    Do you plan to skip work to watch WVU in the NCAA Tournament?

    It’s like there’s only one thing at a time to do in all of West Virginia, and half the time you’ve got to skip work to do it.

  7. “What is your favorite Easter candy?”
    A: Live baby chicks.
    B. Meth.
    C. Dog food.
    D. All.

    “When should Robert Byrd die?”
    A. Soon.
    B. After forgets how to spell “earmark”.
    C. In a week.
    D. He dead.

  8. [re=275057]binarian[/re]: Our local Bozo the clown (Gary Weir – I think he was the only Bozo blessed by Larry Harmon outside of Chicago) would ask little kids “Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?”

    It was fun watching the smoke come out of their little heads.

  9. Bahahahahhaah. This is the news station we would always watch when I was growing up. They are special. And not in the good way.

    Also, there are approximately three people in the entire WSAZ viewing area who could pass a drug test so they all just really need to shut the fuck up.

  10. The percentages in that screencap vaguely imply that only 9 people voted. Amazing that they could get everyone in West Virginia with internet access to participate in this one poll…

  11. This poll has clear implications for policy-makers. Alert your congressperson!

    However, you would get the same positive response rate if the question was “should welfare recipients be required to perform manual labor at your house for the rest of their, and their children’s, lives to earn their keep?”

    So maybe West Virginia should just go fuck itself (possible??).

  12. What? Nobody mentions that Bud is no longer a cheap ‘American’ beer? Ain’t it owned by Belgians or some other stinky, no-showering, teeth-havin’ Europeens?

    Win win win to all with their alternative polls. If I were more awake I’d laugh more heartily but you have made me smile after that weird dream I had. Thank you.

  13. [re=275062]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I knew a West Virginian once. Mention any kind of roadkill, he could tell you what it tasted like.

  14. We need more drug testing, and not just for welfare recipients. If we had more drug testing, I might get better quality mary jane

  15. Should free 40 oz. bottles of Budweiser be handed out to hard-working white people in West Virginia?

    -Yes, monthly
    -Yes, weekly
    -I prefer ‘tall-boy’ cans

  16. Down here in Lee County, Florida the local paper has a poll also. I reads like this: “Should Unemployment Recipients Be Drug Tested”? 85% of on-line voters answered YES. I would tag if for ya but I’m too high.

  17. And this is why:

    1) I make my own damn beer, bread, porn and (as soon as Obama approves it, “in the name of America’s energy security, industrial competitiveness, and environmental stability”) weed;

    and 2) I wouldn’t drink that Budweiser horse-piss at gunpoint.

  18. [re=275066]user-of-owls[/re]: Actually, apparently national comedeians can do what they want, too. Leno is winning that poll.

    WSAZ Poll Results and Past Polls
    Results: Does it upset you when national comedians like Jay Leno make fun of West Virginia?
    Poll Results:
    Yes – 39.4%
    No – 60.6%
    Total Responses – 1288

  19. Yes, let’s institute $300 weekly drug tests for welfare recipients. This is a very logical use of bitterz money. I’d rather be sure people are “clean” than “fed”

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