Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Well, if Prince is singing about AIG or something, then the recession must officially be sexy! It all makes sense, really: most pastimes Americans have up to this point enjoyed involve spending gobs of money ultimately derived from home equity lines of credit — with the sexy exception of sex, which is often “free,” and can take place in foreclosed condos and hobo shantytowns.

And how can we expect bored, horny Americans to keep their hands off of each other when America’s national leaders are on the teevee saying giggle-worthy things like “stimulus package,” all the time? This week, our political cartoonists offer a glimpse of the post-apocalyptic fuckfest that our nation will soon become.

If you want the pictures to be bigger, click on them, you size queen you.

Check these sexy ladies out! With their lime-green suit jackets and slathered-on makeup, they’re on the prowl! It’s a good thing the management is selling morning-after pills from the gumball machine at this singles bar, because these chicks are ready to fuck and eager to control their reproductive systems! And that’s why they’ve come to the hottest singles scene in whatever terrible exurb they live in. Yes, the bright lighting, the pastel colors, the potted plants, the professionally framed art-like paintings, the wainscoting — it all screams “decade-old Olive Garden showing its age” or “Holiday Inn Express lobby,” which obviously gets everyone’s juices flowing for some hot, drunken, unprotected intercourse, for the express purpose of creating tiny fertilized eggs that you can then prevent from implanting onto your uterine walls without a doctor’s permission! Are you turned on yet?

But whereas those zygote-murdering strumpets can engage in their rampant sluttery in the harsh light of day (or the harshly flourescently lit light of night), our nation’s gays must still arrange their couplings with subtlety and discretion. Here we see the lead-in to a typical man-on-man hook-up. Gay #1 (a Catholic priest in a clerical collar, natch), having spotted a comely lad, stands around in front of one of his city’s dozens of failed banks, a sassy hand on one hip, shouting, “Hell, I’ll buy,” to nobody in particular. Gay #2, resplendent in his mom jeans, carefully assesses Father O’Likesmen’s buttocks. Is he interested in selling something that the good pastor might want to buy? The poignant scene leaves us wondering just how this will turn out. (The priest is carrying a bag nonsensically labeled “Monopoly money”; this will be used later, for erotic asphyxiation.)

And it’s not just humans who are getting in on the fuckfest action. Why, just imagine if stem cells were conservative, and could talk! They’d probably romance each other and have stem-sex, next to a potted plant! (What is it with these people and the potted plants? Is this some sick fetish I’m unaware of?) Anyway, these two stem cells are named “Barb” and “Jim-Bob,” and they’re obviously in the opening stages of sexy romance. You can tell they’re conservative because they’re actually exchanging names rather than just having sex right there on the chairs, like the liberals do; they won’t actually have the stem-cell equivalent of intercourse until the third date, after they’ve pretended that they might get married, someday. Hooray for Jesus! No, seriously, I would be very grateful if someone could explain to me what the fuck this cartoon is supposed to be about.

But you know, sometimes, love and sex can go sour! Say, for instance, you’re a tiny Mexico-dwarf, who’s been involved in some kinky, drug-fueled relationship with an older, richer, larger, flamboyantly dressed man. Then one day, he gets tired of you “sneaking over his southern border,” if you know what I mean, and his love turns to violence! Where will you run to? Into the arms of Canada, of course! Sure, Canada might not be very flashy — it doesn’t even have some hilarious caricatured outfit, settling instead for a bland suit — but it will always be there for you, no matter what. Canada will take anybody’s sloppy seconds.

If your relationship has true drama — if, for instance, it involves a sexy younger liberal black man and an older conservative white man — its flameout could at least provide violent entertainment for fans of trashy daytime TV. Ha ha, look, the one dude is going to hit the other one with a chair! Now here is the problem with this cartoon: it is attempting to claim that Barack Obama is cheapening the presidency or some such with constant TV pandering. But surely a significant portion of the country would gladly tune in to any show in which the president attempted to bludgeon Dick Cheney with a piece of furniture, or, as appears to be the case here, merely threatened to do so in order to induce a massive heart attack.

After the taping, Obama and his new boyfriend Tim Geithner planned to spend a quiet evening alone, but then they were lynched by an angry mob of drunken furries, the end.

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    Thank you, Josh, for brightening this weary and rainy Friday. It was definitely the “mom jeans” followed up by those fat cats on horses that broke me down.

    *stifling guffaws of laughter*

  2. [re=275061]Tommmcatt[/re]:

    I know what you mean. I have a 5 year old and a 22 month old. They’ll both laugh their asses off at anything I tell them is funny. The five year old thinks the height of sophisticated humor is the old “Knock, knock, boo, hoo.. why are you crying” joke, and the 22 month old is just starting to laugh at her own farts. I could show either of them any “Comics Crumudgeon” target cartoon and as long as I read the caption in a funny voice they’d be on the floor laughing (but have no idea why).

    Life before sarcasm was… somehow… gentler… and sweeter.

    (p.s. I still laugh at my own farts, though)

  3. That first one threw comedy down the stairs, then shot it in the head. How to make an already unfunny joke even less funny: have one of your unfunny strawmen attempt to explain the punchline within the context of the joke.

    You can do this with anything. Two (generic people, animals, items) walk into a (bar, police station, the White House) and say, “Gee, (easily generalized-about group) are sure going to (like/not like) this (thing that is going on, or is not going on)!”

    ‘Not going on’, like morning-after pills in gumball machines at “singles clubs”.

  4. What the hell is a furry? Also, I sort of don’t get any of these cartoons, but I really don’t get the one with the ladies in the bar with the gumball machine. Is it saying that there will soon be such machines in bars and that’s a very bad thing? Or a good thing? Or a funny thing? What the hell?

  5. “Cat Herding” is one damn funny cartoon.

    In fact, it’s the only cartoon, ’cause I’ll be damned if I can figure what those other entries are supposed to be. Hieroglyphics? French, er, um, Freedom cave paintings?

  6. I think the one with the stem cells means that — ha ha conservatives are so stupid, they think stem cells are really smart and have conversations and such ha ha. Anyway I THINK that’s what it means. It would help to have some context as to the publication with which it is associated.

  7. I don’t want to say “I LOL’d”, but I did in fact “laugh out loud” reading Josh’s analysis of Cartoon #4. Now my coworkers are looking at me kinda weird.

  8. The Obama on Springer cartoon made me nostalgic for the days when we had a president who took more vacations than he gave press conferences, and a first lady who had a history of vehicular homicide. When will the Republicans get their act together and bring dignity back?

  9. [re=275099]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    I had a dramaturgy teacher in graduate school who laid the following on me, quoting some other useless theoretician: “Comedy is the encrustation of the mechanical upon the organic”.

    To which I replied: “That does not take into account fart jokes, Dr. Fowler.”

    The fart joke is, in both theory and practice, the exception and the rule at the same time. It is perhaps the perfect comedic subject, and should be treated with the respect it deserves.


  10. [re=275113]LittlePig[/re]: Hey! Cut that shit out!

    Also, big ups to Glen McCoy, once again rising to the peak of not-funny. You just put him in here to piss us off, admit it Josh.

  11. [re=275099]Serolf Divad[/re]: On my other worktime pastime,, there is a link to a site that has videos of animals reacting to farts. That’s entertainment.

  12. To understand the conservative stem cell cartoon, you have to realize the potted plant refers back to the morning after pill gumball machine cartoon. Now do you get it?

  13. [re=275133]Tommmcatt[/re]: So the fart joke is the petit objet “a” in the Lacanian libidinal economy of the comedy?! Brilliant. Who said theory is pointless and obtuse.

  14. C’mon as if any of us would bat an eye if Barry flipped a seat at Cheney or any of those mofos for that matter. It would be more like what took you so long.

  15. Given the size of the cats riding the horses, I have been inspired to begin work on a new screenplay, a homage to the old Japanese radiation-enlarged monster movies titled “Fluffy Versus Obama.”

  16. [re=275136]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Either that, or McCoy is Josh’s weird secret obsession. Some people comulsively watch Patrick Swayze movies or spraypaint kittens – Josh reads Glenn McCoy.

  17. Why do those obviously post-menopausal ladies care about contraception, anyway? They should be worrying about chlamydia! WRAP IT UP, GEEZERS!

  18. Thanks for the interpretation of the McCoy cartoon, Josh. I had absolutely no fucking idea what he was trying to say.

    I think these cartoonists are all drunk, also.

  19. [re=275133]Tommmcatt[/re]: In my own personal ethos, a fart is not worthy of laughter unless it can peel paint, permanently cloud plexi-glass, or cause myocardial infarctions.

  20. Is it me, or has the decline of newspapering led to more 8th graders drawing polical cartoons. Where are the quality images I’ve come to expect?

  21. Okay, I don’t mind being the first commenter here with her real name.

    Once again, Curmudgeon, you don’t list any of the cartoonists’ names here, nor do you say that you picked these all up from Slate or GoComics. Nor do you link anywhere. Who taught you how to blog?

    I did the Toxic Assets cartoon and the Stem Cells cartoons above. And no, I won’t explain them to Josh unless he can clean up his language. And since he didn’t link to me, I will:

  22. Um, Donna —

    We don’t want to see the rest of your cartoons. Your cartoons are not funny. They are laughably bad. If we were to visit those links, it would just be to mock you, and there would be a lot more of that language you don’t like.

    The fact that you don’t understand that leads me to believe that you actually can’t explain your cartoons. My new interpretation is that they don’t make sense because you’re not particularly smart.

    Thank you for visiting the Internet. Now please return to your cave.

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