embarrassments

CNN’s Ed Henry Writes Worst Article In American History

Earlier today we mentioned CNN White House correspondent Ed Henry’s performance at the press conference last night, and how he and his fellow busybodies were rapidly spinning and spinning and spinning to make it appear as though he didn’t look like a goober when Obama called him a twat. In the latest effort, Henry has written an exclusive article for CNN.com called, “What really happened with Obama.” It is approximately 5,000 words and includes sports metaphors, heavy doses of edge-of-your-seat drama, tricks o’ the trade, and maybe a little bit of SELF-SATISFACTION. To reiterate our headline, it is the worst article in American history, at least since yesterday when K-Lo wrote something funny about Notre Dame and abortions.

Make sure you have gone to the bathroom before reading this because you will be TOO HOOKED to take a break.

I was heading into this event with the same strategy: make news on something unexpected (I won’t tell you which topics I was working on cause it would ruin the surprise for a future presser or interview with the president).

Ooh, Mr. Secrets over here! He must have had so many good questions — so good, in fact, that he may still be able to use them in a few weeks or months when the news cycle has fundamentally changed. How much of an uber-pwnage would that be if in, say, July, he asked the President about AIG bonuses? COULD OBAMA EVEN RESPOND TO THAT SHIT?

But on Tuesday night, as I sat in the front row nervously reviewing my hypothetical questions written out in longhand (decidedly old school), I kept thinking back to a conversation I had with Wolf Blitzer Saturday night at the Gridiron dinner.

Ahh, the Villagers always know exactly what the public wants: basic journalism tips that were shared between top political media figures at elite, private parties with their friends, the politicians.

He said that when he was CNN’s Senior White House correspondent, he liked following up on a question the president had ducked earlier in the newser.

When you press a second time, you may be surprised with the second answer. And then rather than call on me 10th, the president called on me at about sixth.

Still early, so nobody had asked AIG yet. Plus my “sidebar” question now seemed off-point so early in a newser focused on the economic pain in the nation.

Nevermind, go ahead and take a bathroom break now while we get a beer or seven.

The pressure was on now because the president had called on me. Someone handed me a microphone, millions were watching, and it’s scary to think about changing topic in a split second because you might get flustered and screw up.

Let it be known that CNN’s White House correspondent has the nerves of a second-grader giving a piano recital. Just imagine everyone’s in their underwear, Ed!

But it’s fun to gamble and like any good quarterback (though I was never athletic enough to actually play the position), I decided to call an audible.

A psychologist could explain some of the things going on in that sentence very well.

So I went hard on the AIG question, and took Wolf’s advice and followed on a couple of colleagues who got pushback from the president when they asked about how his budget numbers do not seem to add up.

The president, like any good politician, decided to pick and choose what to answer. So he swatted away the budget question and ignored the AIG stuff.

So I waited patiently and then decided to pounce with a sharp follow-up. From just a few feet away, I could see in his body language that the normally calm and cool president was perturbed.

But it’s in moments like that we sometimes find out what’s really on a president’s mind. In this case, he’s not happy about the scrutiny on AIG. So he did slap me down a bit.

r32oir23nklfm23porj2490r3$@#NR@#KFMKM

So the exchange was a great political Rorschach: Each party saw their own talking points in the reflection of the back-and-forth.

It was not that. It was not a RORSCHACH. THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS SITUATION. YOU WERE WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME ON LAST WEEK’S NEWS. YOUR PIANO RECITAL SUCKED.

What really happened with Obama [CNN]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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223 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    ED HENRY ASKS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS. ED HENRY ALSO LOVES ED HENRY. HIS NEXT COLUMN WILL BE SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
    “ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY ED HENRY”

    SWEET.

  2. One Yield Regular

    Please tell me this is the same guy that droned on and on about himself in that “I’m resigning from A.I.G.” NYT op-ed letter. Otherwise, we may be in for an epidemic.

  3. chascates

    I realize Helen Thomas has been around since President Roosevelt (Teddy) but these kids don’t have enough experience yet to even find their way to the bathrooms. They should have their questions written out in advance by their old, and hopefully wiser, editors.

  4. americanscandoanything

    sorry eddie, the most “amazing part” was when Hopey told you STFU stupid

  5. V572625694

    You can see Ed Henry flailing his arms wildly while Obama holds him at arm’s length with a hand on Henry’s head, Three Stooges style. Call an audible, Ed! It’s kind of like asking a question, except it sounds more sporty. Cuz you look like a real sporty guy.

    C’mon, kid: preserve what’s left of your dignity and quit.

  6. SomeNYGuy

    This is a rule to follow in life: NEVER trust anyone with two first names, like Ed Henry. Trust me on this. I’ve learned the hard way.

  7. Serolf Divad

    But it’s fun to gamble and like any good quarterback (though I was never athletic enough to actually play the position)

    I call bullshit. If this guy allowed not being “any good” at something to stand in his way of doing it, we wouldn’t have had to read his piece, would we?

  8. Brendan M.

    [re=273451]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: How do you spell the sound of someone puking?

    “r32oir23nklfm23porj2490r3$@#NR@#KFMKM”

  9. stolichnayaaa

    Look at that headshot. Isn’t this the guy who married the drunker Bush daughter? Conflict of Interest!

  10. bitchincamaro

    Make sure you have gone to the bathroom before reading this…

    Haha. Ed Henry moves my bowels better than a triple doppio saltwater enema. But I was hovering with my ipod Touch so, it’s all good.

  11. V572625694

    [re=273465]shanemacgowan[/re]: Ha! And Cocktober! Hopey’s boringly competent. Not much fun, but retirement someday might remain possible too.

  12. Hooray For Anything

    If that’s all he wanted to do was to make news on something unexpected, why stop at asking lame policy questions? He could have asked something like “what did you think about the resolution of Starbuck’s character on the BSG finale?” or “How many woodchucks could a woodchuck upchuck, if a woodchuck could upchuck woodchucks, Chuck?” and accomplish the same thing.

  13. Brendan M.

    [re=273465]shanemacgowan[/re]: Oh sure, you miss Jeff Gannon’s “journalism.” His eight-inch, cut, journalism.

  14. sarcasticusername

    and here i thought he couldn’t come out of this looking any dumber; obviously i was wrong, i should have waited a day before making that assessment.

  15. coffeeyesplease

    Guys, just read the comments on the article.
    I’m not so sure Ed Henry will be staying there for long.

  16. randomsausage

    This dude needs to learn when to shut the fuck up. First rule of PR: when you fuck up majorly in public, do not write a massive article on CNN.com about it.

    He also looks like a leering chipmunk in his press shot.

  17. sarcasticusername

    “From just a few feet away, I could see in his body language that the normally calm and cool president was perturbed.”
    ah an oldie but a goodie; when you don’t have anything useful to say, simply rely on your training as a body language expert. “body language for bloviating fools,” it’s one of the core classes at pundit school.

  18. grevillea

    “I heard you didn’t cry when Paul Harvey died. Wasn’t it on your TELEPROMPTER or do you just hate hard-working white journalists?”

  19. davitydave

    [re=273470]Hooray For Anything[/re]: WIN. This question: “what did you think about the resolution of Starbuck’s character on the BSG finale?” continues to go woefully unanswered.

  20. bitchincamaro

    [re=273478]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: “No donut is safe tonight”

    I’m not so sure I know what that means but laughed like a Sterno-huffing jackass on wackie-weed anyway.

  21. Trace

    This is just like when you say something embarrassing expecting nobody to catch it, then they dryly make note of what you said and you’re left red-faced and shamed (just like a conservative, amirite? lol) and trying to play it cool, like “Oh, I was just joking, you know, you guys, that wasn’t REALLY what I meant, I was just messing with you. The look on YOUR face when you thought.. I wasn’t joking. Ha! You’re a… ha, what a goof!”

  22. gurukalehuru

    The disturbing part is that these people (Cramer, Steele and Henry are recent examples, but their names are legion) (am I using that word right?)don’t even realize that they have been exposed to the world as complete morons and should really change their names and go live quietly in Idaho or someplace.

    I remember a bus trip once, and there was this kind of dorky guy who wasn’t really well liked, if that’s not too much redundancy again, and he was wearing a jacket with a hood. The guy behind him put a chips wrapper, or something, I forget what, into his hood, which brought about raucous laughter, particularly from one girl, who had a really strange laugh, it was like a police siren on helium, she was a really fun girl and she kind of particularly had it in for this guy, I think his name might have been Kenny, but this was like 30 years ago and I could be conflating with South Park, but anyway, he didn’t realize what all the laughter was about, and THEN HE JOINED IN and started laughing, too, like not to appear uncool, and this practically had siren girl in tears and people kept putting more stuff in his hood.
    I’ve no idea where Kenny is today, but I’ll bet he’s a Republican.

  23. randomsausage

    [re=273475]coffeeyesplease[/re]: Whoa. Those comments are like from grown up Wonketteers! Ed is being beaten up by an angry bunch of CNN watchers. Must be like being mauled by a dead sheep.

  24. honkeyman

    Ed Henry has a bachelor’s degree in English from Siena College in Loudonville, NY. His senior thesis was entitled “A Staggering Work of Heartbreaking Chipmunk-Fucking”.

  25. NoWireHangers

    It’s always interesting when people think that other people give two shits about them.

    Ed’s really got the kind of face you yearn to punch.

  26. PortlandSmartAss

    Ed Henry gets a job for which he is better suited:

    “And then I picked up the mop and thought, ‘gee, why do all those guys pee outside of the urinal,’ but leaving that kind of esoteric nonsense to others, I dove into this glorious business of beautification, with only slight trepidation.”

  27. randomsausage

    Folks. This is the best comment string in a while. Invective Gold! Keep up the good work.

  28. Advocatus_Diaboli

    and then there was that time I single-handedly saved the world from an alien space invasion, and then I cured cancer, and then ….

    Jesus, dude, give it up, you suck as a reporter and you probably suck at pretty much everything else in your pathetic life.

  29. Jukesgrrl

    Who needs to read the article?! Just look at that picture. It says, “I may be the biggest doofus in school, but at least it’s private school.” Does Ed really, really think he’s EVER going to be cooler than a guy named Barack Hussein Obama?

  30. davitydave

    [re=273484]gurukalehuru[/re]: It’s unclear how that incident made “Kenny” a Republican, but I sure bet it made him a serial killer later in life.

  31. Violenza

    Why do people with two first names hate the president? Juggs Gregg, this pale loser, etc. I’m guessing Campbell Brown feels the opposite.

  32. 2druk2phluq

    [re=273449]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Compared to Special Ed’s giddy school girl rolled-up-wad-of-tampax-fail, your post is on the short list for Pulitzer.

  33. Custerwolf

    Hey Ed – the Roanoke drive-in theatre called and asked if they could borrow your forehead.

  34. Brendan M.

    [re=273481]davitydave[/re]: Hey, if Barack Obama wants a few tips on how to avoid substantive answers to tough questions, he really should watch the BSG finale!

  35. Texan Bulldoggette

    Maybe John King needs to loan him Dana Bash for awhile. Then Ed doesn’t have to be a virgin anymore & he can worry about actual journalism.

  36. Dave J.

    “Dorkwad writes article for high-school paper about how he got pantsed by the quarterback.”

  37. johnnypantalones

    http://twitter.com/edhenrycnn

    Can you troll people on their Twitters? If not I’m not getting involved in this bullshit. Unless a technology gives me an opportunity to tell faux-celebrities to kill themselves with ham I want no part of it.

  38. Nerdalicious

    Avoided??? He hit up the big 4 asshole questioners right off the bat. Because Prez has guts. He knew damn well the crap the amateurs would throw at him. Basically: “Bring it on lightweights”. He answered whiney questions & then some. The famed, I paraphrase: “I don’t speak unless I know what I’m talking about” & “where are the haters ideas? MM? So, where are the other ideas? We have ideas & are implementing them like Presidents are supposed to do in a crisis, not read goat books for 7 minutes when the country is getting bombed & sit & ignore similar bomb like hurricanes that destroy entire cities. And BTW where were the “serious” newsmen when dumbya & darth vader were destroying this country for 8 years? On vacation? Go blow dry your hair, get a facial & jump in the tanning bed in March so you won’t look washed up on TeeVee. Although you sound very washed up.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq8jOBe5E5A

  39. Mr Blifil

    Nice try Ed. Behind your “born again” turn-the-other-asscheek facade lurks a seething pencil-dicked grandiose malcontent. On Anderson Cooper’s show, his butt was burning so bad from the spanking he had to resort to “TELEPROMPTRZ.” In this noxious trickle of knob dribble he resorts to “ANGRY BLACK MAN.”

    Ed, I think your career is possibly over, though it might take a while before you learn/admit that fact. All in all, that rates a little higher than “got smacked down a bit,” you fucking dweeb.

  40. comradepaulson

    [re=273504]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Or they can do a threesome. After that blow job John King gave Cheney, I’m sure he’s down with a little freaky action.

    Now excuse me while I try and find some brain bleach…

  41. windupbird

    (I won’t tell you which topics I was working on cause it would ruin the surprise for a future presser or interview with the president).

    My favorite sentence…..BEcause. What’s the big surprise? That he’s really Kathy Bates in an ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse suit?

    *cue the high speed banjo music*

  42. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=273498]2druk2phluq[/re]: It’s just too easy to be better than Eddy. His 15 minutes ended about a half-hour after he was born.

  43. randomsausage

    Ed’s long term strategy of getting into journalism so he can finally get laid was dealt a fatal blow last night

  44. stolichnayaaa

    [re=273507]johnnypantalones[/re]: Holy crap, that twatter is full of awesome.

    # Who knew: like me, Chip Reid of cbs takes his tea with equal and milk. (Ok random but I told him I’d tweet this)5:07 AM Mar 18th from txt

    Like, totally random.

  45. Brendan M.

    [re=273504]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Is he willing to convert like John King did, though?

  46. johnnypantalones

    What’s your favorite Ed Henry tweet you guys? I like the one where he reveals what kind of formula giant GOP lovin manbaby reporters drink!:

    “# Who knew: like me, Chip Reid of cbs takes his tea with equal and milk. (Ok random but I told him I’d tweet this)5:07 AM Mar 18th from txt”

    Oh this one’s juicy! You’re a regular Walter Winchell, Ed!:

    “In west wing of WH saw VP Biden chomping on an apple in his office. Looked like a mcintosh. An aide closed the door so reporters couldn’t see more9:31 AM Feb 24th from txt”

    ZOMG I WONDER IF THAT APPLE HAS AN OPINION ABOUT THE AIG BONUSES I hope Ed dug through the White House garbage for an exclusive!

  47. Atlas Spanked

    Holy Shit! I think he plagiarized that from a student in my Journo 101 weed-out class!

    The names have been changed, but….

  48. grevillea

    Sometimes an unanswered question hangs heavily in the air, while history itself makes pause. Faint hearts yearn for a champion to step forward and fearlessly prick the despot’s glassy bubble of invulnerable hubris with a rhetorical épee. The very angels of liberty hold their breath. Then there are the times a perfectly good press conference is ruined by a deluded fartsack with a microphone.

  49. stolichnayaaa

    # At andrews airforce base about to take off for california for President’s trip. Can subject be changed from AIG? 5:06 AM Mar 18th from txt

    ha!

  50. comradepaulson

    [re=273523]johnnypantalones[/re]: [re=273529]stolichnayaaa[/re]: He twats about his tea? He and Chip are drinking tea and twatting about it?

    I. Have. No. Words.

  51. randomsausage

    His Tweets have the tone and content of a desperate-to-be-loved, overweight Catholic high-school girl.

  52. revbob

    Henry Henry should go back to Grover Norquist and confess he fucked up. I predict he’ll be desaparecidoed.

  53. johnnypantalones

    Here’s another goodie:

    “# At andrews airforce base about to take off for california for President’s trip. Can subject be changed from AIG?5:06 AM Mar 18th from txt ”

    Probably not with lobotomized junk-yard dog twits like you populating the MSM, Ed!

    Not sure what this means, but I agree with it!:

    “# it’s not just me: J-Mart added to Limbaugh’s Butt-boy list today1:35 PM Mar 4th from web ”

    “Story behind story is david jackson of usa today and jonathan weisman of wsj were not happy President didn’t call on them at East Room newser11:32 AM Feb 19th from txt”

    Whatta scoop! Two reporters who didn’t get called aren’t happy about it! Holy fuckballs, someone call Walter Cronkite’s moldy bones for this one, we gotta stop the presses and get a handle on this beast of a story! Someone call J. Jonah Jameson and Perry White in on this bitch bear, we gotta pull an all nighter and hammer this one out!

  54. V572625694

    [re=273509]Nerdalicious[/re]: [re=273484]gurukalehuru[/re]: Some commenters are well into their third drink tonight. Sweeeet!

  55. johnnypantalones

    I love that this dicksmack recounted his being smacked down by a man infinitely smarter than him as though it were the end of “The Natural” where Roy Hobbs hits the slo-mo lights shattering homerun that killed Hitler and saved all the dying kittens or whatever. Jesus Christ, what an unbelievable tool.

  56. comradepaulson

    [re=273538]johnnypantalones[/re]: I agree with Rush. He is a butt boy. He’s not old enough to be an ass man.

  57. Tra

    Know what really makes me laugh? Not just that this idiot thinks anyone cares about his “old school, longhand” notes, but that he really seems to think he asked a tough question.

    Mr. President, lawyers for prisoners at Guantanamo have reported increased abuse since you took office as guards try to get their last kicks in — what if anything are you doing about it?

    Mr. President, many of the people who were right about the impending economic crisis thinks your plan is too timid and will fail. In what ways are you taking these views into account in your planning?

    Mr. President, you have continued the Bush-era technique of using “national security” as a way to dismiss entire court cases, such as this particular case involving egregious use of torture. You could take a more tailored approach that allows the case to go forward — why aren’t you doing this?

    Those are three off the top of my head. Strangely, none of them are about timing.

    Alas, this was not a very funny note. I think I will go post it at CNN.

  58. randomsausage

    [re=273541]revbob[/re]: Woof, woof on chubby Catholic girls: needy, with very accommodating short skirts. Oh the memories and mammaries.

  59. grevillea

    [re=273538]johnnypantalones[/re]: I really hope they don’t begrudge him wasting everyone’s time with his shite questions and kick him down a flight of stairs. That would be tragic.

  60. problemwithcaring

    [re=273538]johnnypantalones[/re]: Hey. Thank you for reinforcing my beliefs about the uselessness Twitter.

  61. CaliforniaMike

    Just another reason that with journalism dead, we need to turn it over to great dead journalists.

    Would H.L. Mencken have written that stupid piece? Would that Hildy guy from “The Front Page?” Would that great pioneer of women in television, Dorothy Fuldheim? Hell no. Ed Henry couldn’t carry Dorothy’s blood-encrusted douchebag.

    http://dorothyfuldheim.blogspot.com/

  62. President Beeblebrox

    This is all quite lulzy, watching the media get used to the fact that Barry is a real live politician who uses things like teLepRpmtERz and spins stuff, instead of just a magic political Negro.

  63. El Pinche

    OK then, now he’s qualified to join The View (im sure he has gorilla titties so he’ll fit right in as one of the gals).

  64. sezme

    [re=273484]gurukalehuru[/re]: Dude, that was one of the crueler stories I’ve read recently. Perhaps he became a Republican, or perhaps he just committed suicide when he realized all the jokes were on him. Heh heh, funny, though. Right?

  65. Colander

    [re=273558]El Pinche[/re]: Mm. I was thinking more like chimpanzee titties, so maybe he can take over for the blond when she pops out her next repug.

  66. sarcasticusername

    i suppose it shouldn’t be at all surprising that ed’s gem of a question was inspired by none other than wolf blitzer; because nothing about wolf’s career could possibly have foreshadowed epic failure in the journalistic instincts department.

  67. populucious

    Apparently Ed Henry thinks that the President spent as much of his day worrying about how he was going to answer Ed Henry’s question as Ed Henry spent thinking up the question.

    That is funny. And sad.

  68. zhubajie

    [re=273449]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Replace him with Ed Anger from the Weekly World News!

    Zhu Bajie

  69. zhubajie

    [re=273476]randomsausage[/re]: He looks like he’s been using skin whiteners. That’s not a natural shade of pale.

    Zhu Bajie

  70. CaliforniaMike

    [re=273563]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Damn, adult diapers are now a sport? Who’s got the L.A. franchise?

  71. meyotch

    [re=273484]gurukalehuru[/re]: We won’t have them. The Mexicans have the potato-thinning jobs all sewn up.

  72. saggyboobedhag

    Gee, what an idiot I am. I thought real reporters were supposed to report the news, not “make” it. At least, they’re supposed to pretend they think their job is to report the news, not make it.

    Honey, go back to your Mommy or your trustees or whomever subsidizes your salary and ask them to get you a new job where you can feel more important. Stop wasting the president’s time and boring the rest of us to death.

  73. Hooray For Anything

    I am eagerly awaiting the Ed Henry Biopic (starring Ed Helms & Denzel Washington) “Pantsed: the True Story of a Brave White House Reporter Who Tried to Make the News.”

  74. June Cleaver 2.0

    The other journalists laughing after Obamas comment is a clue that Ed Henry got owned. Natural laughter is a dead give away, dude.

  75. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Wasn’t he in the first episode of Bloodsteel? I swear he was the guy who got his head lopped off for saying: “I’m a helpless conscript in the army of the smitten.”

  76. MortSinclair

    Never mind the witty repartee of the comments, Newell’s writing is fucking fabulous. I’m a high school English teacher, and if 1/3 of my seniors could write with the voice and presence of just one, ONE Wonkette entry by Newell, I could retire with satisfaction.

  77. picyou

    Ed should have titled his exclusive article: “Why I am not a dick. No kidding, guys. Pick me! Pick me!”

  78. wheelie

    Today, I tripped over my shoelaces. I know many of you want to know what really happened there, so here’s my version of what transpired.

    Putting on shoes is something I do regularly. I have taken advice from some of the foremost shoe-wearers around, yet when I put them on these days, I rarely give it a second thought. I guess it’s natural to me now.

    Anyway, I started by putting on the left shoe, toe first. Then I eased my heal in, and got to work on my right shoe, following a similar pattern.

    Then came the laces.

    Laces: they tighten up your shoes. I usually tie mine using a typical knot, such as . . . .

    [73 pages later . . .]

    . . . so anyway, there was a shelf five steps away, with my watch on it, so I elected, given the moment, not to tie my shoes while veering toward the shelf.

    I executed the first four of those steps with aplomb – I don’t wish to brag, but they were four really great steps.

    But then I fell, and my shoe came off.

    So, in conclusion, what happened on the fifth step was really a reflection on my shoes as much as me. My shoelaces made me stumble, but I stumbled on my shoes. We both went awry.

    I don’t blame my shoes, and, I trust, my shoes harbor nothing against me either.

    My analyst says I’m making excellent progress.

    Wheelie is a top footwear correspondent with news analysis site Wonkette. You can read his exclusive commentary here every day. (c) Wonkette 2009

  79. DoctorCulturae

    [re=273591]wheelie[/re]: win, of course.

    Seems as though Blitzer’s spawn has the wuss touch.

  80. jackson

    The only way to describe Ed Henry and his riveting account is to use an old Spanish expression: “mucho vomito.” That doesn’t need any translation, I trust.

  81. Custerwolf

    [re=273591]wheelie[/re]: Now THAT is some good shit, my friend. Perhaps I could read your next installment while pity-fucking poor Ed.

  82. Roger the Shrubber

    Am I alone in thinking that Chuck Todd shares many facial features with the typical rubber doll?

    Which leads to the question: Can’t Chris Matthews (or KO for that matter) find a better shade of lipstick?

    And the buzzkill: Why didn’t Barry call on real journalists? To quote the sage Glen Campbell in “True Grit”: “You’ve done nothing when you’ve bested a fool.”

  83. OzoneTom

    Hey! Henry, or Ed — or whatever name you’re going by. Haven’t you ever heard about stopping digging when you’re already in a hole? You should have called in sick the day after you got twatted rather than cooking up this silly high-school journalist CYA attempt at justification.

    And Jim, you’re correct — this was the most piss-poor article I have ever read. Maybe he had a ghostwriter (Wolff is that you?). He works for our most dependable news source so I don’t know what to think.

    Your comments make it immensely enjoyable, however.

    But when CNN’s #1 Blitzer protegee asks about AIG bonuses in July he’ll really look like an idiot because the FOX correspondent will have already mined that saggy-ass vein. Of course will expect us all to view that as following-up.

    As he will inform us the following day on CNN.com

  84. mylesfromnowhere

    [re=273523]johnnypantalones[/re]: Biden had a Macintosh? you know good and well he dials the number for the intertubes with a PC, not a Mac.

  85. WadISay

    Haha, subtle dig about Gridiron. If Hopey had gone to Gridiron to kiss the ring he could have used the lip-reading skills he perfected at the madrassa to ferret out the conversation between Henry and Blitz.

  86. Buzz Feedback

    [re=273574]CaliforniaMike[/re]:

    Al Davis. He’s building a stadium. In Irvine. Or is it Tustin?

  87. bitchincamaro

    [re=273591]wheelie[/re]: Are you watching King Lear on PBS? Uh, you’re in UK, though, so, uh, I guess not. Great post, anyway, sire!

  88. Dreadful Gate

    [re=273451]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Actually, how do you spell the sound of one hand wanking?

  89. gliberal

    I don’t care if his name is Edward Henry. Look at that photograph and tell me this is not a Dick. And a self-referential one, too, the worst kind. Like Steve Doocy, the self-anointed “weather guy”. What rock does Fox look under to find these mutants?

  90. picyou

    Ed wants to be the “Smilin’ Bob” of teevee newsguys. A manly swagger, a new confidence in the way he walks, the way he waddles around his lately won stupendous package.

  91. comradepaulson

    Well, Eugene Robinson said on KO tonight that Barry had made Ed “his partner” in an “he made him his bitch” type-way. Has Eugene Robinson been reading Wonkette?

  92. Roger the Shrubber

    [re=273609]bitchincamaro[/re]:
    From the hagg and hungrie goblin
    That into raggs would rend ye,
    And the spirit that stands by the naked man
    In the Book of Moones – defend ye!
    That of your five sound senses
    You never be forsaken,
    Nor wander from your selves with Tom
    Abroad to beg your bacon.

    By which I divine that the ancients were against congressional pork.

  93. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=273569]populucious[/re]: ding ding ding. We have a winner.
    You’ve most succinctly summed up the loser journalist versus the president question.

  94. picyou

    [re=273611]gliberal[/re]: But Doocy isn’t worried about his manliness. He just wants to be a funny guy with a little bit of attitude, doing whatever he needs to do to keep the act going and the checks coming in. Doocy’s a whore; Ed Henry’s a stuffed shirt.

  95. SwanSwanH

    [re=273487]NoWireHangers[/re]: Decidedly.

    “Yeah, let’s never forget. We’re the real story. Not them.”

  96. bitchincamaro

    [re=273611]gliberal[/re]: 3M used this very jpeg for inspiration when they created the Kick Me Hard Post-It Notes’ currently available for sticking to the backs of cretins like Ed Henry. A huge seller, btw.

  97. lawchic

    Wait, he got his “journalism” tips from Wolf freakin’ Blitzer, BBWWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA

  98. lawchic

    I have to at least give Ed Henry a pat on the pack for getting his ass handed to him with a smile on a platter by the President and then writing a …*cough*…article about how it was apart of a brilliant strategy suggested to him by Wolf Blitzer. That takes cojones. I sometimes forget why I stopped watching CNN shortly after the election was over….after reading excerpts of this article, the asshatery of cnn has all started flooding back.

  99. bitchincamaro

    [re=273614]Roger the Shrubber[/re]: Yep, just like I thought, you and Wheelie are in the pub, bending elbows, eyeballing Ian McKellen. So Hot! ++

  100. gradgrind

    ‘Til today I never could be sure whether I was watching Ed Henry of CNN or Ed Helms of Comedy Central. I won’t be having that problem no more. Helms is in a totally different league — the pros.

  101. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=273591]wheelie[/re]:
    I, I I, I I I, I, and I, went to I, do to I. When I and I were finished with I, I went further into the bowels of I. I was there when I discovered I, a replication of I. Soon I was overcome, by I. It was as if I and I we’re battling the I, which I was also. I. That was the worst part of the I. I was like I, but more consumed with I. God help I.

  102. schvitzatura

    These media assnozzles are tripping over each other to be the next Sam Donaldson or Helen Thomas.

    Where is that Times of India guy when you need him?

  103. Joey Ratz

    So the exchange was a great political Rorschach: Each party saw their own talking points in the reflection of the back-and-forth.

    Bullshit. Rorschach would have thrown this pale twink down an elevator shaft without a second thought. Especially after reading this steaming pile of self-referential dribble.

  104. SayItWithWookies

    I wonder if Ed Henry wrote a note to Jim Cramer after that little debacle saying something like “I stuck it to the man back for you. You’re welcome.”


  105. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=273649]SayItWithWookies[/re]: HAHAHA… or somewhat more cryptic like, “It’s called being a man.”

  106. SayItWithWookies

    [re=273650]Jim Newell[/re]: I’m not sure Ed Henry was ever athletic enough to actually play the position.

  107. KittyLitter

    Ed Henry opens up his nozzle and spews forth a warm bath of Massengill on CNN.com. I’ve never felt so fresh before!

  108. Gallowglass

    Some of these CNN comments are awesome.

    “Ed Henry on his big moment: “One time…. at Band Camp….the President called on me… and I wanted to impress my GOP friends… so I asked this really hard question… and then I asked a really hard follow-up question! … but then he nailed me with his answert…. so I kind of pooped in my pants.””
    -tbs

    “Poor Ed Henry, Smacked down by a smart president. Guess you are in the big league now. Better go on over to Fox noise with the crazies there. I had the best laugh I have had in forever watching that news conference and I use the word ”news” lightly. Real journalism is on life support.”
    -Susan ortiz

    “Oy. Ed, stop already. No one cares this much. No one. ”
    -Ohsuzzanha

    Its a bloodbath

  109. Gallowglass

    [re=273662]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Hannity has sailed away, atop a billowing cloud of crazy. He’ll show back up in a couple of years covered in visa stickers, like suitcases in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. And hopefully an anvil will fall on his head.

  110. AnnieGetYourFun

    What’s really weird is that the article truly is the worst written article in the history of the written word, and yet it doesn’t really come across in the quotes. To appreciate it’s true wretchedness, you have to click through to the CNN site and read it there. You can even sort of blur your eyes and lean back a bit and still get a sense of how hideous a butchering of the English language is taking place.

  111. whiskey tango foxtrot

    I’ve actually had a couple busy days at work so I’m playing catch-up here. Plus I just took a huuge rip off this hand-blown beaut. So does anyone besides me see the banner ad for cloned cows? Is this new?

  112. Suds McKenzie

    [re=273661]El Pinche[/re]: and I’m sure it was sore again the morning after the presser.

  113. Suds McKenzie

    [re=273665]whiskey tango foxtrot[/re]: “So does anyone besides me see the banner ad for cloned cows?” Yes, there actually is an add for Palin.

  114. El Pinche

    [re=273666]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Yeah , and everyone hates Special Ed at CNN comment section. I only found two “pro Ed” comments out of 100.

    I felt sorry for him so I added a comment . I called Ed “Ward R Murrow” Henry , “one of the greatest reporters of our time.”

  115. Zorg

    [re=273512]comradepaulson[/re]: I believe you meant to refer to Larry King as the man who blew Dick on the national TeeVee.

  116. Colander

    This article is so popular. You guys are gonna feel so bad when he reads this and his face crumples up with sadness.

  117. ThePerfesser

    In less than a minute, this poor Ed Henry character turned the Holy Trinity into the Fearsome Foursome. He joins Les (Father Bother) Kinsolving, Jeff “8 inches uncut” Gannon-Gucket, and Lambros the Greek (“what is your opinion of the Tooorks? Do you have comment on that?”) among the most embarrassing occupational hazards of being in the Washington press corps.

    And none of these pathetic men could hold Dorothy Fuldheim’s metal brassiere, although it was common knowledge in Cleveland in the 1970′s that she bought her titslingers out of town, either in Akron or Toledo. I read that once, either in the P-D or in Cleveland Magazine.

  118. hobospacejungle

    Ed Henry looks like the kind of person to whom everything he has in life has been given. He probably has baby-soft hands, and a huge ego coupled with massive insecurity. Hence today’s pathetic and much-mocked break with reality.

    I’m probably dreaming here, but I really really hope he gets demoted if not fired for his retarded qusetions & even more retarded defense (plus the twitter thing about tea, jesus christ.) A kind of sacrificial lamb from the media. A too little, too late mea culpa by their collective failing asses to say “we’re sorry we’re not doing our jobs, take this sacrifice and pretend that we’ll now conform to Thomas Jefferson’s ideas and hopes for a free and responsible, if not downright oppositional press.” Of course nothing substantive changes apart from every WH stenographer pretends to be chastened by “what happened to…you know…don’t make me say his name.”

    Then Ed starts a rapid downward slide, hitting the booze hard, and ultimately kicks the bucket from a combination heart attack and liver failure, forgotten and alone in a flophouse. No one realizes he is dead until months later, at which time the tape of this “newser” is played and we all laugh at him one more time.

    Here Lies Ed Henry
    Douchebag, Masturbator, Goat Fucker

  119. phineas_bounderby

    Y’all shouldn’t be so hard on Henry Ed, or … Ed Henry … or whatever. I’ve come to the conclusion after browsing the web a bit that he’s on a deliberate campaign to become the Rodney Dangerfield of televised news. Out on the internets tubes there are gems such as

    The Dentyne Ice gum incident:
    http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2008/10/18/cnns_ed_henry_hit_with_gum_at.html

    Getting excitable with Tony Snow:
    http://newsbusters.org/node/10824

    And babbling weird and superficial stuff about a CBO report:
    http://thinkprogress.org/2009/01/27/cnn-cbo-counterattack/

    This fellow is shrewdly trying to build a reputation as an aggressive but hapless doofus, sort of a combination of Les Nessman and Ted Baxter.

  120. Mr. Herpes

    CNN Senior White House Correspondent. I take it they mean high school senior from his photo and performance.

  121. lazyb

    [re=273560]sezme[/re]: Yeah, that shit was disturbing. If anything the behavior of the young assholes on the bus—casual group cruelty to someone who has the audacity to be different from their glorious selves—seems a bit more ‘republicanish’ to me. yuck.

  122. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    For sheer entertainment purposes, I’d probably give Ed some slack. And I’m damned sure he hasn’t seen the little man in the boat for a long, long, long time.

  123. ThePerfesser

    His social skills and self promotion seem to shout, “I was home schooled.” Probably along with that annoying girl we remember from the Spelling Bee. She also shouted and made people nervous. And we would be happy if he went away, like she did.

  124. BobLoblawLawBlog

    [re=273591]wheelie[/re]: I expect compensation for the following: my now-damaged keyboard; the mental duress I experienced while being unable to catch my breath (caused laughing for an extended period of time); and the time I took off work to go outside and cackle to myself like a deranged hobo.

  125. TGY

    Because the news is all about Ed Henry. He is the Hero for Our Time and Horatio Hornblower rolled into one. Yea and verily, he is the very personification of the American Spirit and Campbell’s Eternal Hero, nearly a Jungian Archetype of the Untamed Youth pursuing truth through tribulation.

    I await the next mythic episode with baited breath.

  126. TGY

    [re=273696]Schadenfried[/re]: Which would be OK, but, alas, the fat seems to be mostly in his head.

  127. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    To be fair to this man… years of being Wolf Blitzer’s chained-up prison sex gimp will fuck with your mind.

  128. Mustang

    If I mortified myself at a press conference like Mr. Pasty Pants did, the last thing I would do is write a blow-by-blow description of my loserness. That is just so freaking sad.

  129. LittlePig

    “# Who knew: like me, Chip Reid of cbs takes his tea with equal and milk. (Ok random but I told him I’d tweet this)5:07 AM Mar 18th from txt”

    Wow. That’s the gayest thing ever written.

  130. Hello Sunshine

    Was it a “newser” or a “presser”?

    Either way, beware of people who and try and impress with professional coloquialisms – “Hey losers, I’m an insider! Look upon my jargon, ye mighty, and despair!”

  131. iolanthe

    [re=273677]hobospacejungle[/re]: Ed Henry looks *EXACTLY* this Arthur Andersen consultant who once infected a perfectly good biopharm company where I worked.

    The AAC was the kind of flabby pale beady-eyed puffy-cheeked self-satisfied young man who has big pink-and-white sausage-y fingers adorned with big gold-and-diamond pinky rings. Still in his early 20s, he was working on looking a lot like Karl Rove eventually.

    I’m not sure which tony frat he had belonged to, or whether his degree was from Wharton, Pepperdine, or USC, but … you all know the kind of twatwaffle I’m talking about.

    He once presented us, the client, with 20 impressively bound copies, 240 pages each, of the “Report” the Arthur Andersen consultants had been working on for over a month. As the meeting was called to order, I actually flipped through the thing, to discover that the first 24 pages had been repeated 10 times. I guess he was banking on “nobody ever reads these things; they judge them by their massive heft!” I spoke up and pointed this out at the meeting, and watched the Arthur Andersen guys’ necks and cheekapples turn red while they burbled about a “mistake in repro.”

    Yeah. Right. *I* used to cheat in college, too.

    But after that, it was *on*. That douche attended every technical talk I gave there, from that point on, to heckle. His questions were of the smug, “Where do the little numbers go when you wipe them off the whiteboard, hmmm??” Ed Henryesque style, just obstructing and time-wasting, acting like each question was some superb “GOTCHA!” as he high-fived his fellow AACs.

    Yes, this little penis actually set out to destroy me for calling him on his Very Expensive Shit in that stupid meeting with the Potemkin Report.

    I eventually quit.

    I later learned that he married the brittle nasty desperate shrewish extremely dykey (in the tense, closeted way, not the nice Rachel Maddow or Ellen DeGeneres way) gold-digging social-climbing Tom Cruise-lookalike young woman who was in charge of paper clip acquisitions or something. That woman was smart in a Dick Cheney kind of way, but was also all kinds of mean, shallow, and materialistic.

    I hope they’re both utterly miserable now, raising a nest of young republican dragons who will eventually eat them.

  132. iolanthe

    [re=273708]TGY[/re]: Because I’m an insufferable word weenie, I have to say it: did you know that that expression is actually “bated breath”, as in “abated”?

    http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-bai1.htm

    I just want you to sound smart, because I love you.

    And to whoever that was who called Henry’s article “dribble”, it’s actually “drivel”. But “dribble”, as in “leakage from a now-flaccid cock”, works too, I suppose.

  133. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=273765]iolanthe[/re]: You assume that the AAC dickbag and his dykey wife actually did spawn. I rather imagine him eventually getting caught with his pants around his ankles getting serviced by some pimply-faced hustler in a park restroom, while his wife sits around all day watching Martha Stewart and pleasuring herself with The Rabbit(tm).

  134. momus

    Bud Grant, the original Minnesota Vikings coach once said of football victory dances, “you’re a professional, try to act like you’ve done this before.”

    I think that advice applies here.

  135. lazyb

    [re=273776]iolanthe[/re]: I agree that the fingers will be fat, but stubby—the kind that look like they’re missing a knuckle or something.

  136. iolanthe

    [re=273812]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I agree, in essence, with your proposed scenario, although I rather imagine AAC Wifey pleasuring herself with a golf club or a Glock or something, not some sissy Rabbit.

    But that doesn’t mean they didn’t spawn!

    The rector of my folks’ Episcopal church was this same fat, soft, white, uppercrust, naturally-soap-smelling weenie type, and he was surprised one day in the church basement buried up to the balls in Boy Scout Butt (from the church troop, of course.)

    And he and his wife (who also had that look of “ropy hard-eyed golfer” about her, come to think of it) had four teenage sons.

    The principal of my son’s Assemblies of God middle school had this same look and scent, same fat little fingers and chubby cheeks, and *he* had to leave the job (to move on to another church school, of course) due to his habit of administering secret bare-bottom corporal punishment to the cutest 10-13-year-old boys, and then insisting on tenderly and slowly rubbing the afflicted parts with salve for five or ten minutes.

    This principal and his wife also had four children.

    A computer science prof of mine — same look, same vibe, same fat soft little fingers, same soapy smell — who often whined to everyone in his two-octaves-too-high voice about “homosexuals attempting to assault him in the bathroom” was caught in one of those bathrooms by Campus Security, on his knees, pleasuring a 17-year-old male student (who clearly must have assaulted him.)

    He and his wife were parents of two teenagers.

    Almost any determined couple with a turkey baster can have kids. Hell, if his wife just keeps her hair short, and is willing to get on her hands and knees and keep her mouth shut, they probably don’t need to involve the turkey baster.

    (BTW, in case it’s not clear, I have no beef with Gay Folk. Some of (all of??) my best friends, etc. etc. But I reserve the right to ridicule Closeted Gay Folk. YMMV.)

  137. iolanthe

    [re=273832]lazyb[/re]: YES!!! You’re right. And the natural body scent will be vaguely soapy.

  138. Fivetree

    I believe Eugene Robinson said that Obama made Ed Henry his “companion”. Maybe he should go back to making Vanilla Cremes with all the other Keebler elves.

  139. Darkness

    God, the tweets just seal it. Ed Henry needs to graduate to something higher than wetting his panties because he’s so excited to be in teh presence of greatness. The guy is tragic, utterly. As well as psychologically unfit to do his job under any president but Bush, who lived by this horde’s sad state of I Am Not Worthy-ness.

  140. helzapoppn

    “…So the exchange was a great political Rorschach…”

    Ed Henry needs a visit FROM Rorschach.

    I’d say he should be kicked square in the nutz, but based on that picture it’s likely his balls never dropped in the first place.

  141. El Pinche

    And my personal choice WINS of this beautiful post:
    [re=273494]comradepaulson[/re]
    [re=273696]Schadenfried[/re]

  142. qaf

    [re=273466]Brendan M.[/re]: “r32oir23nklfm23porj2490r3$@#NR@#KFMKM” should be “r32oir23nklfm23porj2490r3$@#NR@#KMFDM”. Otherwise it’d be sucking instead of puking. (Sorry, I proof digital onomatopoeia in my spare time.)

    Apologies if someone else has already pointed this out.

  143. comradepaulson

    To sum it all up: douchebag, douchehead, douchenozzle, assclown, toolbag, assbag, fuckface and “companion.”

    Also, teleprompters. Also.

  144. hoosiermama

    Man, just had to say, comments on this for two whole freakin’ days! Sweet! Belly full o’fun, y’all!

  145. June Cleaver 2.0

    What are Republicans going to do for the next eight years? They are going crazy. It is so much fun to watch!

  146. Looy

    I’m confused, was it an inspired “audible” or the brilliant execution of a patient strategy?

    >> The pressure was on now … it’s scary to think about changing topic in a split second because you might get flustered and screw up. But it’s fun to gamble and like any good quarterback (though I was never athletic enough to actually play the position), I decided to call an audible….

    (‘Later that month…’)

    So I waited patiently and then decided to pounce with a sharp follow-up. <<

  147. AuntieLola

    Good grief, he asked the lamest question at the “presser” and then he writes a lame wordy article about it. Yawners!

    He reminds me of my cousin Tommy who went to New York City for the first time and ended up reporting back on the layout of the bathroom in his hotel room and the cost of bottled water in the big city, totally missing the big picture on all points.

    Ayup!

  148. artbot2000

    That’s not a Rorschach. It’s a vomit stain.

    But seriously, eight years ago, this cretin would be holding pressers of his own, as your new director of FEMA, or some other joke department.

  149. Custerwolf

    [re=274214]AuntieLola[/re]: I was in a New Zealand hotel room a couple years back when I grabbed a SMALL bottled water out of the mini-bar and guzzled the whole damn thing before discovering they charged $6 a bottle. New Zealand has very clean (natural spring)water so I’m sure no one noticed when I refilled the bottle with tap water and screwed the lid back on tightly before returning it to the fridge. Perhaps this is why they hate foreigners?

  150. bakeneko

    [re=273684]lazyb[/re]: OK, here’s a different viewpoint. Back around ’75, my friend and I arrived at Winterland in SFO early afternoon so as to be near the front of the line to a Zappa/Mothers show.

    About 30 minutes before the doors opened, some grinning fuckwad cut in front of us, turning around every few minutes to smile. One of us having stopped by the local KFC to grab a bucket prior to the show, we had a bunch of gravy and honey packets left over, and about a dozen cotton balls apiece (which we used to stuff our ears when we got to the front of the stage).

    I emptied all of the remaining gravy and honey packets onto the back of his courderoy jacket, and liberally applied the cotton balls. Everyone behind us in line was choking with laughter as they saw me doing this, ass-clown turned around and laughed along with us like he was in on the joke, rather than being the joke.

    Winterland had hundreds of black-lights mounted in the ceiling, once douche-boy got inside, the cotton balls glowed blue in the dark, providing entertainment for hundreds of attendees for the rest of the evening.

    I have no doubt this dickless stooge grew up to become a Republican.

  151. Bruno

    Well, the only thing Twitter has going for it is that this guy would have had to keep it to 140 characters or less. That and even fewer people would have noticed or cared

  152. Bruno

    The great thing about Journalism is there are dozens of people as “good” as you are lining up for your job, and willing to do it for $18k per year. Eddie baby, you better do a lot of grovelling or its back to the local news in South Dakota.

  153. Gallowglass

    [re=274685]Bitchplease[/re]: No, that’s like calling “safety” right before. If you call an audible noone is allowed to get mad at you, no matter how foul it is.

  154. Schadenfried

    [re=273884]El Pinche[/re]: Aww :-).

    On topic, I just heard the glorious news on the Tom Joyner Morning Show that Ed Hardy won “‘Bama of the Week.”

  155. butster

    I haven’t been able to comment because I have ashamed of the pundits. This guy, Henry, is the worst.If this is what the next four or eight years hold, O will thrive. Thank whoever runs this show

  156. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=273517]stolichnayaaa[/re]: They both need Equal and milk to drink fucking tea? Tea? Coffee I can understand, but TEA?!? That explains EVERYTHING about Ed Henry and ‘Chip’ Reid. I’m going to beat the shit out of both of them if they every show their faces in Washington or Oregon. Good Christ, if you are an unbelievable pussy, DON’T CONFIRM IT ON YOUR TWITTER.

  157. Mad Farmer Manifest

    It warms my heart that we are all piling onto this douchebag to give him a pummeling.

Comments are closed.