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GLOOMY EASTERN EUROPEANS

Czech Government Collapses Because U.S. Bailout Is ‘Way To Hell’

Oh hello Miss Czech Eliska Buckova.The Czech government collapsed, which means current prime minister — and current president of the European Union, whoops! — Mirek Topolanek is now powerless and will soon be jobless, but that doesn’t mean he can’t deliver an apocalyptically Slavic-ly gloomy sermon against the United States and its terrible bailout plan, which is just like the American response to the previous Great Depression, which sort of led to … Hitler? Yes, Hitler. Depression + Czech troubles = Hitler. Works every time.

Prague’s collapse is now the fourth Euro-ish government failure from this particular Global Crisis, following Iceland and Latvia and, last week, Hungary. Financial experts around the world are saying, in their various comical languages, “This shit is bananas.”

Now, Mireku, what was that you wanted to say, about America?

Topolanek, whose country holds the European Union presidency, told the bloc’s parliament in Strasbourg that Obama’s plans to stimulate the US economy would “undermine the stability of the global financial market.”

Topolanek said: “The United States did not take the right path. All of these steps, these combinations and permanency is the way to hell. We need to read the history books and the lessons of history and the biggest success of the [EU] is the refusal to go this way.”

And as the British never tire of reminding us, it was Britain’s fault that a Czechoslovakia in crisis during the 1930s Great Depression was given to Hitler, in hopes Hitler would just hang out in Karlovy Vary and keep his genocide limited to, say, the Czechs. But nooooo!

Well, the former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain once dismissed Czechoslovakia as a “small country about which we know nothing”. The Czech Republic is even smaller than Czechoslovakia, but it is rather important at the moment. What happens in Prague could have far-reaching consequences beyond Czech borders.

This is the biggest outrage from Prague since the dirty Czechs installed that terrible art at EU headquarters showing all the various European Races to be comical ethnic stereotypes.

Oh, also, this endangers the Lisbon Treaty — the Czech Republic is one of four EU states yet to ratify it, along with Poland and Ireland and Germany, where Hitler used to be in charge — and might be some kind of Russian fuckanova deal, and noted dickwad Vaclav Klaus will stand in for Mirek at the EU-Russia summit, and Barack Obama is supposed to be in Prague next month to meet with this loser, the soon-to-be-ex Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek, and one of the Major Issues is the U.S./NATO missile shield on Czech ground that is outraging Putin and what’s his name, his pet president.

The lights are going out all over Europe, etc.


1:12 PM on Wed March 25 2009
By Ken Layne
8812 Views

  1. Dave J. says at 1:18 pm, March 25th, 2009

    I’ve got something SHE can Czech out. In my pants!!!1!!.1!

  2. Formerly Preferred says at 1:19 pm, March 25th, 2009

    It’s not really a “collapse” in Prague until people start falling out of windows.

  3. Swampwitch says at 1:20 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Important things first. How will this affect their production of Budvar?

  4. 4tehlulz says at 1:21 pm, March 25th, 2009

    It’s true. The EU never spends money on roads, health care, or the unemployed.

  5. Delicious says at 1:21 pm, March 25th, 2009

    I loves me a good fuckanova.

  6. user-of-owls says at 1:23 pm, March 25th, 2009

    So does that mean we get Sudetenland now?

  7. Custerwolf says at 1:24 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Delicious: Ah yes, the best of which come out of Fuckivino.

  8. shanemacgowan says at 1:25 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Barry has us on the Highway to Hell? Hey momma, look at me! I’m on my way to the promised land.

  9. user-of-owls says at 1:25 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Formerly Preferred: It’s not really a “collapse” in Prague until people start falling out of windows.
    Do Czechs bounce?

  10. ManchuCandidate says at 1:25 pm, March 25th, 2009

    That photo serves as a reminder as to why I still regret not going to the Czech Republic to teach English for a summer.

  11. Red Zeppelin says at 1:25 pm, March 25th, 2009

    What will be the impact on their major industries, porno movies and prostitution?

  12. Lascauxcaveman says at 1:26 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Hey Ken - what’s shakin’ ?

    (So Cal joke, OT)

  13. Custerwolf says at 1:27 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Never trust a chick whose upper arms are the same diameter as her forearms.

  14. rmontcal says at 1:27 pm, March 25th, 2009

    I’d hit it.

  15. shanemacgowan says at 1:27 pm, March 25th, 2009

    user-of-owls: silly puns ftw

  16. miss_emish says at 1:28 pm, March 25th, 2009

    user-of-owls: that’s a groaner. high five.

  17. Fear of a Black Reagan says at 1:28 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Looks like that balanced budget shit worked out real good for the Czechs.

    (Incidentally, Topolanek’s boss Vaclav Klaus is a fellow at the European Center of Austrian Economics Foundation, making him technically a Paultard).

  18. Custerwolf says at 1:29 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Czech please.

  19. Mild Midwesterner says at 1:30 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Wait… when did we hand over the Sudetenland to Merkel?

  20. tunamelt says at 1:30 pm, March 25th, 2009

    What about Pilsner Urquell?

  21. Lascauxcaveman says at 1:31 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Financial meltdown? - Czech!

    Iceland? - The banks are on ice!

    Hungary? - Financiers are gonna be hungry!

    Latvian bankruptcy? - Uh, I got nothin’ that goes with Latvia.

  22. user-of-owls says at 1:34 pm, March 25th, 2009

    rmontcal: Czech mate?

    …oh god, make it stop…

  23. Canuck13652 says at 1:35 pm, March 25th, 2009

    ManchuCandidate: No no, they all leave–the hot guys end up doing porn in Chatsworth and the girls go to England or something.

    And if you do land a hottie, you have to worry that you get presented with a bill in the morning.

  24. user-of-owls says at 1:35 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Mild Midwesterner: Hey, quit bitin’ my style. user-of-owls:

  25. Auggieclown says at 1:36 pm, March 25th, 2009

    reading the commentaries i understand why the europeans consider the us people so ignorant.

  26. Custerwolf says at 1:37 pm, March 25th, 2009

    user-of-owls: I’ll try to keep it in Czech.

  27. freakishlystrong says at 1:37 pm, March 25th, 2009

    user-of-owls: Badum-boom!

  28. rmontcal says at 1:39 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Auggieclown: Thank you. But what about the US Americans? And The Iraq?

  29. Tommmcatt says at 1:39 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Doesn’t being the head of a government in total collapse revoke your right to commentary on how things should work? I mean, George Bush did it all the time, but, you know, fucktard and all, so why should HE get to make the rules for autocrats in decline?

  30. norbizness says at 1:40 pm, March 25th, 2009

    They never got over their breakup with the Slovaks, and had taken to just sitting around the house all day, eating bonbons and watching weird Eastern European cartoons like “Worker and Parasite.”

  31. suchsweetthunder says at 1:40 pm, March 25th, 2009

    The lights are going out all over Europe, etc.

    But the trains are running on time?

  32. norbizness says at 1:41 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Lascauxcaveman: They just need some enact a few more “Riga”-lations!

  33. The Cold Sea says at 1:41 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Hey good looking, we’ll be back to Czech you out later.

  34. ManchuCandidate says at 1:41 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Canuck13652:
    This was just when Czechs were opening up to the west and before it became the Porno Valley of Eastern Europe.

  35. It’s a parliamentary system government. There are more governments where that one came from. It’s not like mail deliveries will stop, hookers will cease to get medical check-ups, or beauty queens will lose their bikinis.

  36. S.Luggo says at 1:44 pm, March 25th, 2009
  37. V572625694 says at 1:45 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Dinga-dinga dee!

  38. Neon Trotsky says at 1:46 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Lascauxcaveman: “Latvian bankruptcy? - Uh, I got nothin’ that goes with Latvia.”

    Latvia: all banks and homes are now to Lett

    You know, “to let” as in “for rent” and Lett as in Latvian? Well, I tried…

  39. assistant/atlas says at 1:46 pm, March 25th, 2009

    What’s going on? I’m suddenly very interested in whatever is happening over there in … uh … breasts. I mean, Czechoslovakia or whatever.

  40. Custerwolf says at 1:47 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Lascauxcaveman: Poor bastards.

  41. V572625694 says at 1:48 pm, March 25th, 2009

    And Jeebus, Ken — don’t put blind links to Al Jazeera. Don’t you know NSA is monitoring the intertubes for terroristical activity?

  42. El Pinche says at 1:48 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Auggieclown:
    GOOD THING IS THAT BOLSHEVIK NOOBAMA AND HIS COMUNIST MANAFESTO WILL TAKE OUT FANCY PANTS FRRANCE. SERVE THEM BACK SOME OF THERE OWN FREEDUMB FRIES!!!1!!! AMERIIKKA FUCK YEAH!

  43. Neon Trotsky says at 1:49 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Well, the important thing is that wingnuts can’t claim this as another MASSIVE FAILURE of the Obama administration as it would force them to pretend they care about Europe and they would have to know about the existence of places like Latvia and Hungary

  44. Serolf Divad says at 1:51 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Hurrah for another picture of Sarah K. Smith!!!!

  45. teebob2000 says at 1:51 pm, March 25th, 2009

    (Ken Layne to self, before posting this one) “Hmmm… how the fuck will I get people to click on a story about the Czech government going under?? I mean, really, outside of Czechs, who fucking cares??”

  46. MathewBrooks says at 1:51 pm, March 25th, 2009

    žluté plavky žertovat čas wonkette

  47. Gnaeus says at 1:52 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Formerly Preferred: Ahh, a good old fashioned Bohemian defenestration, it has been a long time.

  48. dougbob says at 1:54 pm, March 25th, 2009

    there once was a girl from latvia….

  49. user-of-owls says at 1:54 pm, March 25th, 2009

    norbizness: Man, when I was a kid, I LOVED “Worker and Parasite”! I used to watch it every Saturday morning, right after “World’s Funniest Struggle Sessions” and before “When Workers Attack!”…good times.

  50. El Pinche says at 1:55 pm, March 25th, 2009

    V572625694: Barry is shutting down the intertubes and our freedoms of speeches, anyways. هكذا [فوك] [غرج] دغل! !!!!

  51. HipHopOpotamus says at 1:55 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Dunston czechs in, but he won’t czech out.

  52. Mr Blifil says at 1:56 pm, March 25th, 2009

    The outerlying areas around Prague, last time I was there, were sinful stewpots. I remember driving from Austria to Prague and passing a giant tent wherein it was certain live sex acts were being performed for money. So hopefully we’ll be seeing much much more of that kind of thing, since sexytime distracts one from being poor.

    Also, El Pinche: I heartily concur with you also.

  53. Mr Blifil says at 1:59 pm, March 25th, 2009

    tunamelt: Fuck that shit. The real brands are Budovice, where Adolph Busch literally stole the name, and Radegast. Sweet, sweet Radegast.

    I assure you everthing within human power will be done to protect the sanctity of the beer.

  54. Sussemilch says at 1:59 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Ooh la la, Miss Buckova, I’d bail out her toxic assets.

  55. user-of-owls says at 1:59 pm, March 25th, 2009

    assistant/atlas: No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. There are Brests in Belarus, France, Germany and Macedonia, but not the Czech Republic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brest

  56. problemwithcaring says at 2:00 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Thank God for the EU. Now instead of the US being blamed for destroying each European country individually, we can get credit for exploding the whole caboodle.

  57. Custerwolf says at 2:00 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Auggieclown: I HATE clowns Auggie. The only thing funny about them is the way they smell when you light them on fire.

  58. El Pinche says at 2:04 pm, March 25th, 2009

    That girl needs to czech out KFC or hang with a PUMA for a couple weeks before getting with El Pinche. 40-25-36 at 5′5″ .im flexible.

  59. shortsshortsshorts says at 2:04 pm, March 25th, 2009

    HipHopOpotamus: As the EU simply states to Russia “Czech-mate”

  60. pat robertsons personal trainer says at 2:06 pm, March 25th, 2009

    i can haz inexpensive romance explosion trip?

  61. Georgia Burning says at 2:07 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Not hard to figure. Can’t blame their problems on the Russians anymore, can’t blame them on the EU cuz they’re in charge this week. No border with Mexico. No container ship docks for China. Who does that leave? Besides, we stole their “Budweiser” brand and put it on awful tasting stuff.

  62. V572625694 says at 2:08 pm, March 25th, 2009

    El Pinche: Hmm, I was hoping that said “Big Sale on Truck Nutz!” in Arabic, but translate.google.com returns gibberish. Clues for the clueless?

  63. bitchincamaro says at 2:09 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Formerly Preferred: Nice. Any post that prompts the use of an old-time Wonkette favorite word like, defenestration, is a good post, AFAIC.

  64. Uncle Glenny says at 2:10 pm, March 25th, 2009

    I assume this means that there will be lots more models looking for work with William Higgins and czechboys.com - except they will probably mostly be pudgy ex-government employees?

  65. Mustang says at 2:11 pm, March 25th, 2009

    IFB Czech is like check in English.

  66. “Don’t bogart the cabbage! Don’t bogart the cabbage!”

  67. shanemacgowan says at 2:14 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Custerwolf: What about Ms. Coulter, whose thighs are the same diameter as her wrists?

  68. Internally valid says at 2:14 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Barry had better stay away from the Czech republic, or he will be thrown in the Bear Moat:

    http://www.castle.ckrumlov.cz/docs/en/zamek_1nadvori_mpriko.xml

  69. bitchincamaro says at 2:14 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Gnaeus: Uh, I see you went there first. Huzza.

  70. PAbitter says at 2:16 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if all the countries that became good little soldiers of the free market revolution are now taking it on the chin.

    HA-HA!

  71. Keram2 says at 2:16 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Oh yay. Another delay on the Lisbon Treaty. Hans-Gert Pöttering is going to be fucking pissssssssed.

    Oh… and boobs or something.

  72. fuckinredneck says at 2:16 pm, March 25th, 2009

    This is the sexiest collapse I have ever witnessed. Czech-iest collapse??

  73. El Pinche says at 2:16 pm, March 25th, 2009

    V572625694: Yeah, it translate at all (this way jungle?) . It was supposed to say “G.W Bush sucks balls” or something simplistic like , i forgot. Haha..oh well.

  74. MathewBrooks says at 2:16 pm, March 25th, 2009

    bitchincamaro: Of all that things Wonkette has taught me, THAT is my favorite.

  75. bitchincamaro says at 2:17 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Mr Blifil: PIVO!

  76. LBOtomist says at 2:18 pm, March 25th, 2009

    umm… this is the most important story ever to appear on the wonkettes. you should replace the homepage and the right side scrawl with this story. Oh, p.s., I would knock the czech off that!!! More miss Czech!1!1

  77. One Yield Regular says at 2:21 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Hasn’t the Czech Republic been renamed Czechkia yet?

    Also: My god, Ken, was that a Divine Comedy reference? (The band, not the poem).

  78. proudgrampa says at 2:27 pm, March 25th, 2009

    tunamelt: You’re right! We’ve GOT to save them! Or at least get the recipe!

  79. El Pinche says at 2:29 pm, March 25th, 2009

    I’m just glad that Wonkette hasn’t completely gone in the gutter like other media sites by posting articles on “Vibrator-gate” and Mika Brzezinski. great job!

  80. Gopherit says at 2:29 pm, March 25th, 2009

    He better stop writing writing Czechs his country can’t cash.

  81. EightFlyingCars says at 2:46 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Mentos + Diet Coke = Hitler.

  82. doloras says at 2:48 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Also! Topolanek is in thick with [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libertas_Party_Limited]this[/url] dodgy pan-Euro conspiracy.

  83. gurukalehuru says at 2:57 pm, March 25th, 2009

    ManchuCandidate: Not too late. Come on over, I’ll give you a job.

  84. nutcracker says at 3:02 pm, March 25th, 2009

    The Czech economy should be entrusted to their endless supply of stunning porn models,
    from Kyla Cole to Karolina Mirasova to Lucie Malkrabova to Jana Cova. I could go on all day.

  85. gurukalehuru says at 3:03 pm, March 25th, 2009

    teebob2000: The Czechs don’t even care. Governments collapse here all the time. It’s how they roll.

  86. Condi video = 800+ ‘views’

    Czech Chich in bikini = 2800+ ‘views’

    Hmmmmmm?

  87. Condi video = 800+ ‘views’

    Czech Chick in bikini = 2800+ ‘views’

    Hmmmmmm?

  88. DangerousLiberal says at 3:13 pm, March 25th, 2009

    All this shit may be bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but Miss Unpronounceable Czech Name ain’t no hollah back girl, G. Mirek Topolanek is, however, someone’s bitch right now.

  89. arewethereyet says at 3:16 pm, March 25th, 2009

    nutcracker: PLease do! I want names, damm you, give me names!!also.

  90. assistant/atlas says at 3:19 pm, March 25th, 2009

    teebob2000: If that is the case, success!

    Also! I’d hit it until my dick fell off.

  91. Rary Guppert says at 3:20 pm, March 25th, 2009

    wonkette should compromise its principles and splash cheesecake all over its front page more often.

  92. Lascauxcaveman:

    “latvia ’bout five years before you have a job again?”

  93. JadedDIssonance says at 3:47 pm, March 25th, 2009

    The lights are going out all over Europe, etc.

    I thought Earth Hour was the 28th?

  94. chascates says at 4:08 pm, March 25th, 2009

    The Czechs will never catch up to the Italians, collapsing government-wise.

  95. bitchincamaro says at 4:30 pm, March 25th, 2009

    I thought I was done here, but I remembered the Topolanek beat down of the papparazzi in Praha last year.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC27qqc0fxU

    Fucker had it coming.

  96. Sussemilch says at 4:38 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Tsk tsk. All that snark, and not one “canceled Czech.”

  97. lawrenceofthedesert says at 4:38 pm, March 25th, 2009

    The anointed land that gave us the likes of Petra Nemcova must be defended at all costs. That raises the question, from what? In the meantime, we must send them vowels — millions and millions of vowels, which they are direly in need of. Once vowels have been implanted, democracy and capitalism will grow.

  98. jagorev says at 5:00 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Actually, isn’t Vaclav Havel the President of the EU now? Eh, whatever, all Czechs look the same to me anyway

  99. Formerly Preferred says at 5:03 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Rary Guppert: Like the Week of Campbell Brown, except not even arguably highbrow.

  100. jagorev says at 5:07 pm, March 25th, 2009

    jagorev: No, wait, Havel’s retired, and there is no President of the EU, according to wikipedia:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/President_of_the_European_Union

    When will these Czech jokers stop making up grandiose titles for themselves?

  101. windupbird says at 5:53 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Czech yo’self before you rickety-wreck yo’self
    Barry’s stimulus plan is bad fo’ yo’ healf

  102. helzapoppn says at 6:02 pm, March 25th, 2009
  103. rambone says at 6:06 pm, March 25th, 2009

    So, umm, no topless pics on the click-through? Just checking . . .

  104. DangerousLiberal says at 6:23 pm, March 25th, 2009

    jagorev: Maybe the Germans can contain Czech aggression again, and then get the Poles back into line.

  105. My Pole is in line.

  106. hobospacejungle says at 10:31 pm, March 25th, 2009

    Custerwolf: Never trust a chick whose upper arms are the same diameter as her forearms.

    I don’t think any of the straight dudes here would have ‘trusting’ very high on their list when face-to-face with this kind of out-of-our-league hawtness.

  107. schvitzatura says at 10:37 pm, March 25th, 2009

    From Šluknov in Bohemia to Lanžhot in South Moravia, an “shite curtain” has descended across the Czechovia.

  108. If Martina Navratilova was in charge of the Czech Republic, she would get together with Secretary of State Clinton and together they would lick this problem! Perhaps even on live streaming video from Prague’s greatest contribution to the cyber-revolution, http://www.bigsister.com...

  109. Ooops! That’s a URL for some obscure rock act. The URL on my comment should be: http://www.bigsisterlive.com/free/

  110. thefrontpage says at 1:02 pm, March 26th, 2009

    Please run many more pictures of this hot chick in the yellow bikini! She is definately hot! And please run less pictures and articles about Britney Spears–who is not hot. Yech.

  111. Czn939 says at 1:16 pm, March 26th, 2009

    Does this mean that if their banks tank, they’ll have to shift to a Julie Silver-based economy?

  112. Cranky Old Batt says at 12:10 am, March 27th, 2009

    hey didn’t that lady in the picture get busted for gun running and drugs and extortion and cats and dogs sleeping together or something?

  113. Cranky Old Batt says at 12:21 am, March 27th, 2009

    Cranky Old Batt: No you dork, that was Nuestra Belleza. All this big tittied chicks look teh same to you cos you’re a cranky old battle axe.

  114. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us says at 10:09 am, March 27th, 2009

    Does this mean I won’t be able to make Czechs Mix for my Dow Jones crash party?

  115. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us says at 10:10 am, March 27th, 2009
  116. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us says at 10:12 am, March 27th, 2009

    Custerwolf: They taste funny too.

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