Wonkette
Hey Obama’s gonna be on the teevee in a few minutes to read Das Kapital from his TELLYPROMTARRS, all 40 of them. We’re commemorating this occasion with some classic racist Internet art from the campaign. What a schmuck, this guy! We’re watching CNN analyze the “goals” with this conference, and it’s already paralyzing. First thing we hear are the words “sell the American people.” Who cares about the American people? They voted already. Anyway…
7:57 — John King is talking about 2010, of course. “The Democrats remember what happened in 1994 — they got crushed.” How can someone even think about elections when EARTH IS DYING? John King, he sucks. Even Bill Bennett is better.
7:58 — Unfortunately Sara, “the good Wonkette writer,” is at a nerdy literature club tonight trying to leverage her Harvard degrees into a crack rock. So it’ll just be your two male editors writing bilious nonsense about the End Times.
8:00 — Oh hey it’s OBAMA! And just as we were falling in love with CNN’s Ed Henry.
8:01 — Obama says he wants to talk to YOU, the American, and he is looking straight into the camera. He has moved the tellerpromptererr!
8:02 — Brags about how he cut taxes for the Poors and then bought their houses and then bought up their consumer loans. (Is there a form you have to fill out for these things, btw? E-mail me.)
8:03 — My budget gives more money to the educations, health cares, infrastructure, and gay abortions.
8:04 — OMG the CNN camera just showed the new Telepromptir! It’s all classic like, no one-way glass. And yet he’s stuttering a little bit. He’s stuttering because of the NEW TELEPROMTOR! THIS GUY!
8:05 — We’ll get out of this mess, he says. We just can’t go running around like a bunch of whining assholes, taxin’ fat cats in every alley.
8:06 — FIRST QUESTION, NATCH: It’s the AP lady. (Ron Fournier in a rubber disguise.)
8:07 — Secret Ron Fournier asks why we have another one of these damn trillion-dollar programs, since we’ve already had a couple. God, do these FRONT ROW REPORTERS ever do any research?
8:08 — She also wants to know why the public “should support” more power for the Treasury to seize financial institutions. How about this, Secret Ron Fournier: because you have no choice and would probably just screw up everything if you did.
8:10 — SECOND QUESTION, CHUCK TODD of NBC! He wants to know why the taxpayer should be asked to participate in cushioning the blow banks are facing. AGAIN: read the 8:08 update.
8:11 — CNN actually tells us that the question is, “Why haven’t you asked for sacrifice from the public?” What? We never said we listened to these things.
8:12 — He just talks about his overall economic growth plans in the budget for a few minutes. Vague. Subsidies.
8:13 — Chuck Todd has a follow-up along the lines of “COME AGAIN?”
8:14 — Obama says, CHUCK, LOOK, obviously the American people are sacrificing enough by getting fired and having no equity. Do you want them to plants redwoods or something?
8:15 — THIRD QUESTION, JAKE “THE LAKE” TAPPER of ABC: He wants to know if Obama would sign a budget without middle class tax cuts or cap-and-trade. Obama says, we’ll see, but yeah, sure, tax stuff’s already in there more or less. Exciting presser!
8:16 — Re: cap-and-trade, Obama outlines his very broad philosophical reason for having cap-and-trade in the budget.
8:18 — Jake “The Opaque”’s getting snappy and barks some follow-up. Obama tells him we’ll see when the budget gets printed out, K?
8:19 — FOURTH QUESTION, CHIP “THA CHENEY FUCKA” REID of CBS: This guy is such a tool. He asks something like, aren’t you lying, “Mr. President,” by saying it’s bad to pass on deficits to Our Children, and then IN FACT passing those deficits onto Our Children?
8:21 — Obama says it’s a long-term structural plan, which, again, Chip could have just Google-Newsed before showing up for his front row seat on primetime television. Will anyone ever ask about currencies or long-term interest rates or something that actually matters, rather than just, “This is a lot of money, what will the children think?”
8:22 — (Little does Chip Reid know, the Tela-Prompteur is on his forehead! That’s why Obama is talking literally forever.)
8:23 — FIFTH QUESTION, A MEXICAN LADY FROM MEXICO! Well, Ken will start from here. Thanks for showing up! Now go to Ken’s liveblog and give him hell.
Guy can’t even give a 40 minute policy speech stuffed full of stultifying financial detail without using a TELEPROMPTRZ. This is a result of his mixed racial heritage.
No silver bullets? How will we stop the werewolves?
What? I don’t have money in my pocket!! And since I’m unemployed a tax cut won’t help me!! HELP ME!
No views, no comments? No wonder the economy and govt are in the shitter, you apathetic whores!
Where is he hiding the TelePrompTers?
The American people are being sold? Awesome. I bid $1.34.
Bennett is better at what? Inhaling double cheeseburgers while playing video poker?
I thought you were all Sara?
I keep waiting for him to break into “Me and Mrs. Jones”.
Legalizing pot would bring in LOTS OF TAX MONEY! And create all kinds of jobs! And make people happy!
way to make sure telepromter gets air time cnn
“it will take a fucking miracle to save our economies”
bitch please, aig is not a bank
He should have opened with a joke.
comradepaulson:
Only bids in Ameros will be accepted. None of this so-called “dollar” crap.
Now he’s gesturing to his right to indicate AIG…. Is there a huge corporation crouched on the floor over there, snarling and slavering?
CHUCK TODD!
So cute!! Look how nervous and all stuttery Chuck Todd is!! He’s got a man-crush on Obama and his podium’s rising I’ll bet.
Is Chuck Todd prepared to sacrifice his facial hair?
That AP bitch is a bit dishevelled, no? Could have at least done her hair for Barry.
i DO hate chuck todd. jesus you fucking freak!
chascates: pot is why we lost the Nam
OBAMA WITH THE SOCIALIST DOUBLE MICROPHONE!@11!!!!!
Doesn’t he know we are in the Greatest Depression?
Wasteful Librul Spending
Did Chuckles stay up all night thinking of that sucky question?
WTF????????? Public sacrificing???????? I’ve been eatin’ hobo beans for 6 months. Chuck Todd is f******g insane. Prez cannot believe Chuckies insane loony question. Crazy Chuck!
>>8:06 — FIRST QUESTION, NATCH: It’s the AP lady.
He just digs saying, “Jennifer LOVIN!!”
And where the hell is Helen Thomas? Passed her bed time?
imissopus: WE WON’T!!!!11!!!
Chuck Todd!!!! Wants to kill poor people! Crazy Chuck cannot have my aortic valve.
That AP bitch was lame, but had her hair all tousled and using her bedroom eyes on the prez. But what a lame, lame question. Was she channeling Reagan?
Hey, out of order!!! Chuck’s just shouting crap out now!!! Bet Gibbs skips him tomorrow even when he’s in the front row waving his arms.
The big 3 asshole question askers: Chuck Todd, Jake Crapper, Chip Reid. Right in a row
this is bligatory:
tapper? but i hardly even know her.
Jake Tapper.
“Tapper?? I hardly know her!!” Ba-dum-bum.
dogscantlookup: I thought that was because of teh heroins.
Oh fuck, Tapper. What’s wrong with his hair? Is it always like that? It looks like Sam Donaldson’s old rug. Fuck him and the Senate Democrats.
Look is the new Also.
WTF? American workers didn’t go to kindergarden? No wonder we’re so far behind.
Xerox??!!! Who xerox-es stuff anymore??
i could take chuck todd in a fight, i’m going to washington and will be lurking in the bushes ’til i find him.
Given Hopey every single thing he wants, now. And Emp. Free Choice Act.
demtard: Mine’s better, what with teh punctuation and the rimshot.
Jake “take it up the” Crapper is a douche.
I want to be protected from a huge spike.
So what do you think you can do with debt? Pay it off in 90 days, asshole? Chip, you tool!!!
chascates: He can’t joke or laugh anymore. When he does, Morning Joe and Mika imply that he is mentally ill and ask every one of their guests, individually, to sign on to that theory.
When is he going to unveil his master plan to take over the internets and destroy conservapedia.com?!?!
hopey started to lose his patience with tapper
teebob2000: * terrorist fist jab *
Nerdalicious: Barry wants to get the scent of ass out of the room before the end of this shindig, so he called on those three first, after AP.
That’s right Prez get the 3 assholes out of the way right away. Ok Chip Reid, let’s sit on our asses and do nothing like the last war criminals (your best friend Dick Cheney).
hopey: STOP, being stupid. LOOK, go fuck yourself with a silver bullet. LISTEN, we are out of magic wands.
Jukesgrrl: Gotcha. He has to be serious. And he can’t dance like Dubya either.
You know he wants to tell Reid, “we won’t grow, ASSHOLE!!”
Did I just see Helen Thomas go into a nod? Oh, she woke up. Good.
Reminder: Bush’s fault. He fucked us. That is all.
I’ve always wanted to grow more
Oh forget this economy shit Barry, what’s the news on the Presidential pup?
To recap:
Chuck Insane Todd: Let’s ruin poor people even more
Chip Reid: We are ruining the next generation by trying to do something instead of sitting on out asses like the previous war criminals.
Prez: Where are you Nazi’s and your ideas? C’mon where are they? Let’s see your ideas. Oh, you don’t have any then stfu. Next.
Obama If we stay retarded we are fucked
What’s up with all the bad hair tonight?
demtard: OK, I take back “mine’s better”.
*fist jab*
Nice tan in March Chip Reid you jackass elitist jerk off.
Jukesgrrl: Morning Joe and Mika also smell of ass.
Does anyone else see Helen Thomas taking a nap next to Reid?
I know why he shouldn’t do follow up questions: These dumb fucks just ask she same question twice.
Oh Barry, quit asking the Republicans to provide alternatives. The only things they can say are “SOCIALISM BAD…GAYS BAD….ABORTION BAD”. It’s like asking for ideas from Teddy Ruxpin.
Jesus, I guess Helen Thomas DID show up but went to sleep. She needs some stimulatin’!
Uh oh. Hopey’s talking about healthcare. Now the Republicans will accuse him of taking on too much and too little. They can’t see any connection btw. healthcare and the economy and they don’t know why Hopey keeps bringing up that dirty word. They also can’t see any contradiction in a person doing too much and too little simultaneously.
i demand continuing ed for journalists, they should have to take a finance class every year or two, along with some govmit courses, and go to some de-douching camp.
Cookie Guggelman: static from the questions
Cookie Guggelman: Barry’s still got his immaculate Ceasar Cut.
“Look Ethyl, the President’s a Ni-”(((BONG)))(((BONG)))
Hey, no fat chicks!!!11
Barry is now en fuego!
chascates: That too, and no Sylvester Stallone
where is Lourdes? I WANT LOURDES!!!!
Who is this foreign lady asking about Mexico? Probably a Mexican, just cold stealin a job from a hardworking American journalist, like Tucker Carlson.
comradepaulson: sorry, that is my fault. every night i sneak into the studio and clean myself on their chairs. sorry!
Lourdes? Madonna’s daughter is asking Barry questions? Is this correct?
Bearbloke: +1. It’s twu, it’s twu!
WonkaBee: You “want to be protected from a huge spike”? Personally, I would like to see a huge spike, esp. if it’s Hopey’s.
8:27: Barry says we’re sending millions of tanks and guards and land sharks and shit to Mexico and by the way “Homeland Security USA” is his favorite teevee show. also.
W’re going to get rid of the thieving no-bid contracts for firsters.
Why’s the Stars-N-Stripes guy in his civvies??? Lame-O.
Jukesgrrl: Why do Morning J.O.’s eyes look like two pissholes in the snow? Is that why MSNBC sprays on Mika’s outfits? For a distraction?
And who the fuck is Chuck Todd, where did he come from, and why won’t he go away?
By the way, I like the husband for Lori Klausutis.
Mexican lady, Stars and Stripes…who’s next, Wonkette?
Obama IS a Secret Mexican!!!
“Students of the procurement process….” Hmmmm…..
Bearbloke: I think he said the President’s near
Another NY Atty General getting action??
Ed Henry = that one guy from The Office
Roger the Shrubber: “Why do Morning J.O.’s eyes look like two pissholes in the snow?” He’s in NYC. Maybe he hangs with ARod’s cousin.
OK Ed Henry again lets just sit on our asses and do nothing like the last wads. Prez was elected to do this job. Who are these idiots?
Lapping the young people….
Deficits for our children? Do you ass-hats want Bush & Cheney back? Do you want Greenspan to fix this? Now sit down & shut up or I’ll sent your asses to Gitmo!
Helen?
Prez to Ed Henry: “I like to know what I’m talking about when I speak”. Complete annihilation of the 4 asshole question askers. Lesson: Don’t mess with Frank Sinatra.
Me thinks someone’s ready for a cigarette break.
Jake Tapper: “Mister President-”
President Obama: “Hey Jake - you’re fired; that’s right Bitch, I’m the President and I can do that, so hit the bricks, douchebag! Now, enough questions - the rest of you asswipes who sat here and took notes during the past 8 years can all shut your overpriced pie-holes and let me explain to the Nation just how I’m gonna save this joint from Historic Fail.
Step 1: Arrest Dick Cheney…”
“THANK YOU D.C. - GOODNIGHT!”
(*crowd chants O-BA-MA O-BA-MA O-BA-MA as that chick mexican reporter tosses her moist panties at the podium*)
So it’ll just be your two male editors writing bilious nonsense about the End Times.
Hey, just like the print media!