WASHINGTON, DC, 10:49 PM, MON NOVEMBER 9 | Advertise on Wonkette | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS
« next »
FREAKIN' OUT

Stocks Soar On News of Whatever

The golden dildo.Somebody give Jim Cramer his golden dildo back, and let Larry Kramer out of the shit-cage where he sleeps, because the Stock Markets had a great big rally! Everything is good again! The U.S. markets were all up up up about 7% all the way around, which means the Dow is right back to, uhm, mid-February levels. Yes We Can.

This is all because of of whatever Tim “Turbo Tax” Geithner announced today (which your Jim Newell will explain, shortly, because he worked at Treasury as a child), and house sales are up a bit, on all those repos and short sales, even though actual inventory of existing homes is bigger, and prices are down 15% nationally over February of last year (and a HELLUVA LOT lower in places like California and the Entire Southwest and Florida), and millions more mortgages will default this year and next due to resets, the expiration of anti-foreclosure-law delays, and the hundreds of thousands of new jobless people every month, forever.

At least everybody can buy all the rotten packets of doomed mortgages for a nickel on the dollar! That’ll feel real nice when those things end up being ultimately worth, say, two cents on the dollar.

Oh and the Fear Index is still incredibly high, so expect another market burnout tomorrow.

Uncertainty persists, even as stocks pull higher; CBOE Volatility Index signals investors remain wary [MarketWatch]


4:25 PM on Mon March 23 2009
By Ken Layne
2359 Views

  1. shortsshortsshorts says at 4:30 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    I got a tip today that McDonald’s is putting the entire State of Michigan on its dollar menu.

  2. ohiolobbyist says at 4:30 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Off topic question: Do you guys get extra hobo dollars every time we click on the SarahPAC thingy? Cause if you guys get extra dollars, I’ll click that shit all day long. I can think of no better entity to fund Wonkette.

  3. americanscandoanything says at 4:30 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    WAR IS OVER!!

  4. bureaucrap says at 4:31 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    If you give money to the rich, they just use it to buy stocks.

  5. queeraselvis v 2.0 says at 4:32 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Nothing to see here, as this is just more Obamanation mind control, obvs. Methinks it’s about time for Rush to invoke another “OBAMA UPPITY NEGRO MUSLIN EPIC FAIL” diatribe, and order will once again be restored.

  6. Can I buy a Hummer again now? (please, no Spitzer jokes)

  7. hockeymom says at 4:32 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    I felt some irrational exuberance for a moment, but then I read Ken Layne and went back to my previously scheduled freaking out.

  8. V572625694 says at 4:33 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    shortsshortsshorts: What if you only want to buy Ypsilanti?

  9. Hooray! The rivers run with gold! Especially when I pee in them.

  10. Serolf Divad says at 4:36 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    americanscandoanything:

    Awesome! I’m running out right now and finding a pretty nurse to kiss! (please don’t tell my wife)

  11. sublicon says at 4:37 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    When can we get back to 13,000? . . . soon, please?

  12. shortsshortsshorts says at 4:37 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    V572625694: Oh you can most certainly ask for certain toppings to be removed.

  13. CrunchyKnee says at 4:37 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Fiat dollars for all my frieeennnndssss!

  14. spencer says at 4:40 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Kenny Boy — The Fear Index is actually comparably low right now and amazingly stable — it is nearing 40 and went down today. When it was 90 in September, we were basically all about to be slaughtered by Lucifer.

  15. magic titty says at 4:42 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    What is this Market, anyway?

  16. Mr Blifil says at 4:42 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Suck on that hobos.

  17. Does anybody even remember the halcyon days of mid-February 2009? I need to ask my grandfather if this is good news or bad news.

  18. spencer:

    Fear Index - is that like seeing Ellen dancing on TV all the time?

  19. S.Luggo says at 4:44 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Meanwhile, Layne’s evil twin, and suck-up to the Swedish Academy, say he no like little Timmeh’s plan.
    http://www.welt.de/multimedia/archive/00681/eng_krugman_file2_B_681860g.jpg
    http://www.reuters.com/article/GCA-CreditCrisis/idUSTRE52M4SS20090323

  20. Mr Blifil says at 4:44 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    sublicon: Funny thing about the Dow at those levels, at that time the Dow was comprised of companies that still existed…HA!

  21. Canuckledragger says at 4:47 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    I’m lovin’ listenin’ to all the feartards - from the left and right - excoriate Timmy The G.

    “We gotta get him OUTTA THERE before that thing of his - THAT’LL NEVER WORK - might actually… um… work.”

    Who knew douches come in so many flavours?

  22. Giant Robot says at 4:48 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    The Treasury re-packaged all the toxic assets as “Patriot Bonds” and put them on the happy hour menu at Hooters throughout the bible belt. Yay, Geithner!

  23. NewAlgier says at 4:48 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    I hope for all our sakes that the newest incarnation of Geithner’s zombie plan fails; otherwise, trillions of our dollars will be spent uselessly. I can’t get a bead on Obama: he says all the right things, but is doing all the wrong things.

    Shorter Krugman: The Obama economic team are masturbators.

    Anyway, markets are up so hurray! 10 more days of this and we’ll be back to 2006 again and all will be right with the world. Then we should ban short selling so that stocks can only go up.

  24. Botswana Meat Commission FC says at 4:49 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Oh and the Fear Index is still incredibly high, so expect another market burnout tomorrow.

    My Loathing Index went on a massive run after the infamous Ladyboy Incident of 2008.

  25. NewAlgier says at 4:51 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    NewAlgier: Damn. Here’s the Krugman link http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/21/more-on-the-bank-plan/

    And I shall link no more.

  26. chascates says at 4:52 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    I think the Rapture Ready index is also high–more due to teh muslins tho.

  27. Custerwolf says at 4:53 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Can we put Limblah’s face on a coin like that and call it a douche mark?

  28. JeffGoldblum says at 4:53 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    I will be gloating about buying Citi stock at 97 cents for YEARS. BUY AIG! LET IT RIDE! LET’S BURN THIS FUCKER DOWN!

  29. Custerwolf says at 4:56 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Serolf Divad: The moment I first saw that picture as a little girl, I KNEW I wanted to be a nurse.

  30. Colander says at 4:58 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Custerwolf: Me too.

  31. bitchincamaro says at 4:58 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Yep, Boy Geithner is a genius, just like I’ve been saying here. If you ignore every single post I’ve made. Also.

  32. BillyClubb says at 4:58 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Custerwolf: Yeah, but who would put a coin like that in his/her pocket? You don’t want Limbaugh’s face anywhere near your naughty bits…

  33. JeffGoldblum:

    Are you going to share the proceeds with all of us - we do remain Socialists, right?

  34. bitchincamaro says at 5:00 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    V572625694: Back in my day it was called Ypsitucky.

  35. V572625694 says at 5:02 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    S.Luggo: What does Krugman (and man, he does look like Ken) know compared to the all-powerful and unknowable markets?

  36. Custerwolf says at 5:02 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    BillyClubb: Yes - but the by-product would be a stimulated economy.

  37. Electric Zen says at 5:06 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Larry Kramer? I’m sure he’s delighted to be confused with Kudlow.

  38. V572625694 says at 5:14 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    bitchincamaro: Okay, then I’ll take Benton Harbor (a.k.a. Chicken Man)

  39. Joey Ratz says at 5:22 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Rush: It’s more like gauging the chances that MSNBC will replace Rachel Maddow with reruns of VH1’s Tool Academy.

  40. miss_emish says at 5:27 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    can the Cramers and the stop celebrating the large up-swings in the stock market? Please? Thank god I have Wonkette that realizes we’re just tearing around. The largest one-day percentage gain in the history if the Dow Jones occurred in the oh so stellar year of 1933. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dow_Jones_Industrial_Average#History. In fact, the top 10 percentage increases are all from the Great Depression. Learning!

  41. miss_emish says at 5:48 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    and the? wtf was I saying. I’m sorry, history gives me palpitations sometimes.

  42. Holding Out for a Hero says at 6:03 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    So you think Timmeh, Summers and Orzsag are making plans to TP Krugman’s house tonight?

  43. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 6:26 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    shortsshortsshorts: Overpriced.

  44. cheeto_jeebus says at 6:29 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    So, does that mean I should buy Bindle sticks and vienna sausages or is it sell?? I’m so confused, and also.

  45. Cathangover says at 6:33 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    The market is only doing better because the new Decemberists record is out.

  46. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 7:14 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    And you all laughed at me when I put all my wealth into Paultard dollars. Now, not only do I have an actual currency, but I can live off of the chocolate inside each golden piece!

  47. Bearbloke says at 9:09 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Botswana Meat Commission FC: You mean the contretemps with Michael Michelle Malkin?

  48. Anarm Anoleg says at 9:12 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Custerwolf: Ahh, the first moment I saw that picture that’s when I knew I wanted to be kissed by a sailor.

  49. Formerly Fred says at 10:15 pm, March 23rd, 2009

    Get a clue people. The stock market shot up because Obama’s NCAA picks are kick’n ass. Now that’s change we can believe in.

Leave a Reply