Wonkette
When historians look back on the collapse of the global financial system in 2008 and 2009, they will find a single culprit. It won’t be the completely asymmetric system of risk and reward that compensated executives and traders handsomely regardless of whether they made or lost billions, nor will it be a 30-year trend in widening inequality between the investment class and people who make money the old-fashioned way (by “working”), nor will it be the demise of the manufacturing sector to the benefit of the financial services sector until we became a nation of bankers selling worthless shit to each other for increasingly laughable amounts of money. No, the dastardly poison in the American heart was one very simple thing: the names of these criminal companies that lost all of our dollars. And once we change their names, the entire system will heal itself.
Thus AIG, the company once known as a stalwart and reliable insurance giant, which then became known as a slithering nest of venal money-hungry warthogs, shall completely restore its public image by changing its name to “Blackwater.”
Many thanks to Wonkette Financial Services Operative Dan Albanese for capturing this magical transformation of the Water Street branch of AIG in beautiful Manhattan.
They should just rename themselves COBRA and hire unemployed schlubs to wear face masks and fly helicopters with ejection seats. And fire red lasers, also.
AIG had become an uncorporation. It had never existed.
Stalin’s airbrushers would be proud.
They took the name off the front of the building to confuse the pitchfork wielding mob. Smart move, actually.
Perhaps they should consider something positive, instead of generic, for the rechristening of their diabolical money sponge empire. Something along the lines of “Guranteed Inches to Your Penis Consortium” or “Gonzo Orgy Shenanigans Group.” That would at least provide a clean break with positive associations.
I googled “slithering venal money-hungry warthog” and all I got was a picture of Bug Selig.
I can haz job now?
As Stockard Channing (the voice of all those AIG TV ads) would warble:
Look at me, I’m AIG
Cloaked in anonymity
The bonus bucks
You paid these fucks
Are gone, like AIG!
Mr Blifil: Altria?
gjdodger: !!!!!!!
Let’s get Stockard Channing!
You gotta feel for the poor security people who have to listen to the whiney execs about how everybody wants to kill them. Also the custodians who prolly have had to clean eggs and whatnot off the building. So I’m happy for them that this will cut down on the looky loos and the random acts of egging.
Are we proposing new names for AIG?
SSSSSHHHH!!! YOu can’t see us.
My cat plays this same game, and it doesn’t work for her either, but she’s not on the hook for nearly $100 billion of taxpayer money and the object of hatred worldwide.
Ladies that use words like “asymmetric” give me the tingles.
AIG to now be known as IOU
…geez, that really did work! I don’t even remember why I was upset anymore?!
All better! Hooray. Now we can talk about the important stuff like Michelle Obama’s arms.
“Ministry of Truth” would be kinda cool. I’m serious.
fuckinredneck: But who will lead the special mission forces with the extremely nondescript name against them? And who’s gonna be Destro?
Hobodeluxe: International Occupational Underwriters - I likey
Name changing also worked for all the Nazis who were guilty of war crimes.
Well, it must work. Blackwater became XE and it is now a big, loving company that never killed any Iraqi civilians or tortured anyone. Right?
I can’t believe Abbey Bartlet would have lied to me like that.
…can we now refer to AIG as “the company formerly known as AIG”? And then they could hire “Prince” as their new CEO!
Sussemilch: Small Homes Investment Technology
Zadig: Our good friend Bernie Madoff would make an excellent Destro. Or Sepentor. Or whateva.
You know what would be cool? To roll over to the house of a person you don’t like and re-sign it as “AIG”. Then sit back and watch the TP fly.
Yes. Blackwater is now Xe, Phillip Morris is now “Altria,” and AIG will become something resembling a rising Pheonix. That is how marketing works, right?
I’m thinking they should change their name to something nice, something pleasant, something that it’ll be impossible to hate on– which is why they should just change their name to “Bob.”
Doglessliberal: …maybe Dick Cheney should soften his image with a name change as well?! We can call him Pol Pot or Stalin? Doesn’t that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy now?
does Manchester United have to change its jerseys now?
Just change the packaging! According to this brilliant idea, we could’ve saved a lot of troops’ lives if we had them in convoys of, say, Good Humor trucks. Jihadists would never detonate an IED on the ice cream man. Right?
gjdodger:
Beatiful
Hooray For Anything: srsly - my mom has her insurance w/the former AIG - it’s now “21st Century”
shortsshortsshorts: No, no, no.
AIG’s new name must follow the trend and sound like some vague anti-depressant/high-blood-pressure/high-cholesterol/nasal-decongestant/boner-pill. Altria, Accenture, etc. all sound like some new wonder-drug with horrid side-effects promoted by a talking insect.
gjdodger:
I meant to write:
Beautiful! Gotta have Riz in her jammies rollin’ in the cash on her bed.
TGY: lawl!
TBTFIG — Too Big To Fail Insurance Group, or just
FIG — FAIL Insurance Group
AngryBlakGuy: That sure did work nice for Cat Stevens / Yusuf Islam.
Maybe one better would be to put misdirecting/redirecting signage on that surface:
Hooray For Anything: Not me. When a dude comes up to me and says his name is Bob, I think, “This man is a liar. His name is actually Robert.”
AngryBlakGuy: definitely a step up for him, yes! Karl Rove could try “Rasputin”, as well.
ForTheTurnstiles: ooh, maybe Xe could use “Peace Train” in a new series of commercials. That would work on several levels.
Even if they change their name to “WeLuvPuppies.Com”, the barricades in front of the building are sort of a giveaway.
I think we should call them “Rotten AIG.” That’s how it’s pronounced down here in Arkansas, anyway.
I for one await that glorious day when millions shall march in the streets, joyfully celebrating the rescue of the financial giants, without which we would be so many cavemen living off onion grass and dung.
On the day AIG will once again hang its sign with pride (wipes away tear).
Just because there’s no sign doesn’t mean you can’t still hit it with a rocket launcher.
Georgia Burning: I was thinking the might try “Sleepy Kittens and Sneezing Baby Pandas Inc,” but you’re right, nobody is going to buy it if the front of your building looks like the climactic scene in ‘Les Miserable’.
In New York (the “workers” that is), people have just been referring to AIG as “those fuckers”. That kinda works too, right?
Given that AIG’s credit-default swaps were the improvised explosive devices on the world’s economy, how about re-naming it:
I.E.D (INT’L ECONOMIC DOUCHEBAGS)?
Wonkette Financial Services Operative Dan Albanese: I hope that isn’t your real name, because it will be a long time before you work again. I know an Enron guy that took 5 years to find a new job
With the way people feel about them, they might as well call themselves “The Legion of Doom”
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
MarieDeGournay:I would totes spot you if you wanted.
That part of the building can detach and fly away in case of attack by Klingon auditors.
http://meshula.net/daystrom/1701/primary_top.jpg
Carrie_Okie: Harry Shearer’s suggestion: Insura.
gurukalehuru: but the mobs of today have Google Maps. Can Dick Cheney’s Google operatives hide AIG in time???
This reminds me of a local accounting firm called “Tax Problems”, which I’ve always felt was one of the worst names for a business ever, like a mechanic called Exploding Engines. You can’t help but think, well, I currently do not have any “tax problems” and I don’t really want any, so I’m not going there.
If Tax Problems changed it’s name to something less threatening, like Tax Solutions perhaps, I might totally go to them, cuz they’re convenient to my house. So maybe AIG is on to something.
populucious: like a mechanic called Exploding Engines.
I like how you did that. Thanks for the out-loud laugh you gave me.
Hooray For Anything: Madison Avenue’s theory that all you have to do is put a vowel at the end of your product name to give it credability is clearly at work here. I’m not so sure that adding said vowel to ‘SS’ would have worked for the Nazi’s, but too late to test that one, I guess.
I drove past an AIG office in an office-park around 11am - if I wasn’t on my way to see a client, I woulda stopped and pissed on their lawn… but that office-park is probably pretty secluded on weekends…
gjdodger: Sing out, Louise!
This, Sara K. Smith, is why the gentlemen readers of Wonkette love you. It’s not any sort of Tina Fey glasses effect. It’s writing like this:
Thus AIG, the company once known as a stalwart and reliable insurance giant, which then became known as a slithering nest of venal money-hungry warthogs, shall completely restore its public image by changing its name to “Blackwater.”
Hott.
Serolf Divad: See what I mean. Also.