happy birthday bitch

Happy 6th Birthday, Iraq War!

It's Your Birthday!You know what we love more than anything, at Wonkette? Birthdays! Love ‘em love ‘em love ‘em. And there’s nothing better than a sixth birthday. Even better than your fifth birthday! So grown up now, and all blown apart, and god knows how many hundreds of thousands of corpses, and we hanged your fuckin’ dad, ha ha ha. Happy sixth birthday, Iraq War! Weren’t you supposed to be over by now, what with the Hope and all? Maybe when you’re seven-and-a-half, little bitch. Who wants cake?

It seems like only two years ago when we were writing, “Guess who’s almost old enough to be blown up at an Iraqi kindergarten? That’s right, it’s our little Iraq War — he’s turning four years old this Monday!” Because it was two years ago! [Gawker]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. TGY

    Doom-doom-doom! Haha, DOOM! In conclusion: doom.

    Who wants cake?

    I could go for sushi, anyway.

  2. Larry Fine

    Has the price of an Iraqi home-made carpet come down? If it has, it was worth the war effort. A big thany-you to America’s military.

  3. Min

    It’s so funny when he tries to blow up the trick IED on top of his birthday cake, and nothing happens.

  4. Custerwolf

    I don’t know which makes me emotionally recoil more – seeing this picture, or hearing JTP say he’s horny.

  5. facehead

    Ha Ha Iraq! We rickrolled you bitch!

    Never gonna give you up

    Never gonna let you down

    Never gonna run around and desert you

    Never gonna make you cry

    Never gonna say goodbye

    Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

  6. Atheist Nun

    The party was a total bust… Iraq War was disappointed with my gift of a Giant Corn Hat, it ended up that it wanted gallons of blood of our good christian American soldiers instead. Next time, I’m just going to give cash.

  7. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    All the little Iraqi War has to do is keep it going for awhile and it can graduate to Gaza High.

  8. Neon Trotsky

    And think of all the chocolate bars and candy our brave troops have given the Iraqi children! Doesn’t that make it all worth it in the end?

  9. comradepaulson

    Isn’t it about time the Iraq War enrolls in kindergarten? What, is it getting home-schooled? Is this war retarded or something?

  10. AngryBlakGuy

    …soon our “little war” is going to be big enough to move out and raise its own little wars all over the globe!

  11. Mr Blifil

    Those fucking whining Iraqi kids are more irritating than retards complaining that their bowling shoes are too tight.

  12. Cape Clod

    I bet the Iraq War can go to the bathroom all on it’s own now. If they had, like, bathrooms or plumbing.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I remember when the quagmire was so small you could only sink in it up to your ankles.

  14. Colander

    Iraq says it won’t stop being a war until we make a decent movie about it.

    Terminator Salvation, in theaters this Spring.

  15. Custerwolf

    [re=270024]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Well, son it happens when one country decides to fuck another country – without adequate protection (too costly).

  16. 2druk2phluq

    Most analysts are wrong, because little Iraq is not going to grow up to be normal. The memories of the molestation and sexual abuse little Iraq suffered while in the custody of Uncle “NAMBLA” Sam will haunt every birthday from now on. Uncle “Go Ahead and Touch It” Sam not only abused little Iraq, but also blew Iraq’s real parents to smithereens. Iraq haz lots of sad right now.

    To Uncle San: Destroying everyone’s future. U R doin it rite.

  17. YesWeKant

    All of the piñatas are already busted. Some birthday party this has turned out to be. Screw it, is My Super Sweet 16 still on?

  18. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=270034]Custerwolf[/re]: …her mouth said “no”, but her eyes said “give me a donkey punch”!

  19. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=270039]2druk2phluq[/re]: “Show me on the doll where Uncle Blackwater touched you.”

  20. Gopherit

    Man, Ken, you can suck the fun out of anything. What about all the good times in Iraq, huh?

  21. sarcasticusername

    i choose to honor the presidency of the much missed george w. bush, by celebrating Mission Accomplished Day some 6 weeks from now.

  22. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=270058]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: …at this rate the “Iraq war” will be living in our basement, mooching off us and jobless well into its late 30’s.

  23. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=270063]Gopherit[/re]: …yeah, like that time at Abu Gharib or that time Fallujah!!!

  24. Gopherit

    [re=270070]sarcasticusername[/re]: Yeah, how should we do that? Get drunk and go to work with a couple of socks in our jock?

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=270058]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: Fucking seriously his student loans are at $2 Trillion and rising. Raising these little bastards isn’t cheap anymore.

  26. Mr Blifil

    [re=270082]Gopherit[/re]: Just go into your supervisor’s office throw down a stack of whatever projects you are in the middle of and announce “I HAVE REACHED ALL MY ANNUAL PROJECTED GOALS. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!” Bring a cardboard box into work with you just in case.

  27. Suds McKenzie

    “Show me on the doll where Uncle Blackwater touched you.” i had something witty to say, but nm, you win.

  28. CampbellBrown'

    Remember back in the day when all you needed to do to run the Iraqi central bank or be put in charge of say, inter-sectarian affairs for the provisional authority was to be a 21-year old who opposed abortion and spent some time telling voters to vote for John Thune or Rick Perry. Wasn’t that a gas?

  29. bitchincamaro

    Dear War Party Department:

    bitchincamaro regrets that he will not be able to attend your party this year; he’s too busy picking the shrapnel out of his mouth from the cakes served at your Afghanistan shindig last October. He hopes this does not take him off your “A” list.

    Thanks but, no thanks,

  30. sarcasticusername

    Gopherit: i’m leaning toward getting drunk, and then lining up all the dirty america hating hippies who thought the war was a shit stupid idea, and pelting them with shoes wrapped in mission accomplished banners. you know, for being so horribly wrong.

  31. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=270307]brown_recluse[/re]: They are in HELL, because they are MUSLIMS. Christian tolerance will hopefully kill all of those heathens.

  32. peachgirl

    Best.Thread. Ever.

    Now some sticklers will say teh brilliance is because y’ins have had some practice with the Iraq War Anniversary Commemoration and of course you have. Look, as our president says, that just makes it harder to come up with new material. (cf Bob Hope:Viet Nam)

  33. Bruno

    Youre all disrespeckin our war HEROs you ungrateful MSM journalist www bloggers in mamas basement pajamas.

  34. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    The cake explodes in your face when you blow the candles out, decapitating you and blowing arms and legs off the other guests. But that’s OK. I got it on video tape to send in to America’s Funniest Home Videos. I smell a $100,000 winner– Or maybe that’s the blood on W’s hands?

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