HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH  2:10 pm March 20, 2009

Happy 6th Birthday, Iraq War!

by Ken Layne

It's Your Birthday!You know what we love more than anything, at Wonkette? Birthdays! Love ‘em love ‘em love ‘em. And there’s nothing better than a sixth birthday. Even better than your fifth birthday! So grown up now, and all blown apart, and god knows how many hundreds of thousands of corpses, and we hanged your fuckin’ dad, ha ha ha. Happy sixth birthday, Iraq War! Weren’t you supposed to be over by now, what with the Hope and all? Maybe when you’re seven-and-a-half, little bitch. Who wants cake?

It seems like only two years ago when we were writing, “Guess who’s almost old enough to be blown up at an Iraqi kindergarten? That’s right, it’s our little Iraq War — he’s turning four years old this Monday!” Because it was two years ago! [Gawker]

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Hola wonkerados.

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TGY March 20, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Doom-doom-doom! Haha, DOOM! In conclusion: doom.

Who wants cake?

I could go for sushi, anyway.

magic titty March 20, 2009 at 2:15 pm

The presents suck, again.

Larry Fine March 20, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Has the price of an Iraqi home-made carpet come down? If it has, it was worth the war effort. A big thany-you to America’s military.

Min March 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

It’s so funny when he tries to blow up the trick IED on top of his birthday cake, and nothing happens.

Custerwolf March 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

I don’t know which makes me emotionally recoil more – seeing this picture, or hearing JTP say he’s horny.

shanemacgowan March 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Yet we are still shocked and awed.

sevenrepeat March 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm

birthdays like this warm the very cockles of my heart.

freakishlystrong March 20, 2009 at 2:19 pm


hobochristsuperstar March 20, 2009 at 2:19 pm

What kind of frosting is that? Oh, it’s blood splatter? Nevermind.

facehead March 20, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Ha Ha Iraq! We rickrolled you bitch!

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Atheist Nun March 20, 2009 at 2:21 pm

The party was a total bust… Iraq War was disappointed with my gift of a Giant Corn Hat, it ended up that it wanted gallons of blood of our good christian American soldiers instead. Next time, I’m just going to give cash.

Custerwolf March 20, 2009 at 2:22 pm

“No! – They said we’d have American military PRESENTS.”

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! March 20, 2009 at 2:22 pm

All the little Iraqi War has to do is keep it going for awhile and it can graduate to Gaza High.

Neon Trotsky March 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm

And think of all the chocolate bars and candy our brave troops have given the Iraqi children! Doesn’t that make it all worth it in the end?

comradepaulson March 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Isn’t it about time the Iraq War enrolls in kindergarten? What, is it getting home-schooled? Is this war retarded or something?

AngryBlakGuy March 20, 2009 at 2:24 pm

…soon our “little war” is going to be big enough to move out and raise its own little wars all over the globe!

Mr Blifil March 20, 2009 at 2:24 pm

Those fucking whining Iraqi kids are more irritating than retards complaining that their bowling shoes are too tight.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! March 20, 2009 at 2:28 pm

This is all depressing, how ’bout an OT pick-me-up…Mann Coulter’s book sales are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling….


shortsshortsshorts March 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=270015]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Daddy where do baby-wars come from?

AngryBlakGuy March 20, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=270024]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: …from Jesus son, from Jesus!

Cape Clod March 20, 2009 at 2:33 pm

I bet the Iraq War can go to the bathroom all on it’s own now. If they had, like, bathrooms or plumbing.

SayItWithWookies March 20, 2009 at 2:34 pm

I remember when the quagmire was so small you could only sink in it up to your ankles.

Colander March 20, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Iraq says it won’t stop being a war until we make a decent movie about it.

Terminator Salvation, in theaters this Spring.

MisterLoki March 20, 2009 at 2:36 pm

The cake is a lie.

Custerwolf March 20, 2009 at 2:37 pm

[re=270024]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Well, son it happens when one country decides to fuck another country – without adequate protection (too costly).

2druk2phluq March 20, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Most analysts are wrong, because little Iraq is not going to grow up to be normal. The memories of the molestation and sexual abuse little Iraq suffered while in the custody of Uncle “NAMBLA” Sam will haunt every birthday from now on. Uncle “Go Ahead and Touch It” Sam not only abused little Iraq, but also blew Iraq’s real parents to smithereens. Iraq haz lots of sad right now.

To Uncle San: Destroying everyone’s future. U R doin it rite.

Capricatony March 20, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Knowing how the terrible twos were I’m not looking forward to the teenage years.

YesWeKant March 20, 2009 at 2:43 pm

All of the piñatas are already busted. Some birthday party this has turned out to be. Screw it, is My Super Sweet 16 still on?

AngryBlakGuy March 20, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=270034]Custerwolf[/re]: …her mouth said “no”, but her eyes said “give me a donkey punch”!

shortsshortsshorts March 20, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=270039]2druk2phluq[/re]: “Show me on the doll where Uncle Blackwater touched you.”

NebraskashireGentry March 20, 2009 at 2:51 pm

let me know when Iraq War is finally old enough to get a damn job.

Gopherit March 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Man, Ken, you can suck the fun out of anything. What about all the good times in Iraq, huh?

sarcasticusername March 20, 2009 at 2:56 pm

i choose to honor the presidency of the much missed george w. bush, by celebrating Mission Accomplished Day some 6 weeks from now.

jodyleek March 20, 2009 at 2:56 pm

No, that photo’s not from the war…it’s career day at the Dick Cheney Montessori.

AngryBlakGuy March 20, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=270058]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: …at this rate the “Iraq war” will be living in our basement, mooching off us and jobless well into its late 30′s.

AngryBlakGuy March 20, 2009 at 3:00 pm

[re=270063]Gopherit[/re]: …yeah, like that time at Abu Gharib or that time Fallujah!!!

Guest of a Guest March 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Mr Blifil March 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Wait until the Surge has IT’S sixth birthday. THAT will be a par-tay.

Gopherit March 20, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=270070]sarcasticusername[/re]: Yeah, how should we do that? Get drunk and go to work with a couple of socks in our jock?

shortsshortsshorts March 20, 2009 at 3:03 pm

[re=270058]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: Fucking seriously his student loans are at $2 Trillion and rising. Raising these little bastards isn’t cheap anymore.

Mr Blifil March 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=270082]Gopherit[/re]: Just go into your supervisor’s office throw down a stack of whatever projects you are in the middle of and announce “I HAVE REACHED ALL MY ANNUAL PROJECTED GOALS. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!” Bring a cardboard box into work with you just in case.

Monsieur Grumpe March 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm


Monsieur Grumpe March 20, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Thanks for the memories…



Suds McKenzie March 20, 2009 at 3:33 pm

“Show me on the doll where Uncle Blackwater touched you.” i had something witty to say, but nm, you win.

CampbellBrown' March 20, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Remember back in the day when all you needed to do to run the Iraqi central bank or be put in charge of say, inter-sectarian affairs for the provisional authority was to be a 21-year old who opposed abortion and spent some time telling voters to vote for John Thune or Rick Perry. Wasn’t that a gas?

bitchincamaro March 20, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Dear War Party Department:

bitchincamaro regrets that he will not be able to attend your party this year; he’s too busy picking the shrapnel out of his mouth from the cakes served at your Afghanistan shindig last October. He hopes this does not take him off your “A” list.

Thanks but, no thanks,

sarcasticusername March 20, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Gopherit: i’m leaning toward getting drunk, and then lining up all the dirty america hating hippies who thought the war was a shit stupid idea, and pelting them with shoes wrapped in mission accomplished banners. you know, for being so horribly wrong.

problemwithcaring March 20, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Six? That’s old enough to handle divorce, right?

rocktonsammy March 20, 2009 at 5:02 pm

This is Bush’s baby, should he start paying child support?

brown_recluse March 20, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Seriously, I wonder where those kids are now. God help them, and us.

Monsieur Grumpe March 20, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Blowd up sir!

Custerwolf March 20, 2009 at 6:14 pm

[re=270307]brown_recluse[/re]: God??? Now there’s s joke.

shortsshortsshorts March 20, 2009 at 7:31 pm

[re=270307]brown_recluse[/re]: They are in HELL, because they are MUSLIMS. Christian tolerance will hopefully kill all of those heathens.

peachgirl March 20, 2009 at 11:33 pm

Best.Thread. Ever.

Now some sticklers will say teh brilliance is because y’ins have had some practice with the Iraq War Anniversary Commemoration and of course you have. Look, as our president says, that just makes it harder to come up with new material. (cf Bob Hope:Viet Nam)

Bruno March 21, 2009 at 7:24 am

Youre all disrespeckin our war HEROs you ungrateful MSM journalist www bloggers in mamas basement pajamas.

Brendan M. March 21, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Happy 6th Birthday, Iraq War!

Let me know when this war is legal…

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us March 23, 2009 at 10:27 am

The cake explodes in your face when you blow the candles out, decapitating you and blowing arms and legs off the other guests. But that’s OK. I got it on video tape to send in to America’s Funniest Home Videos. I smell a $100,000 winner– Or maybe that’s the blood on W’s hands?

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