UGH  2:44 pm March 18, 2009

Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories

by Ken Layne

And ladies, he's a writer!Everybody was so excited when what’s his name, Atlantic child wonder Ross Douthat, got Bill Kristol’s spot in the New York Times. We’re still kind of angry about the NYT taking away one of our easiest weekly comedy bits, so no hurrahs from your Wonkette. Also, this Ross Douthat does seem to be that most common of things, a conservative asshole! Let’s take a look at his book, Privilege, and a very unsexy scene on page 184.

Courtesy of Brad DeLong, here’s a very bad paragraph from the new leading light of Conservative Writing:

One successful foray ended on the guest bed of a high school friend’s parents, with a girl who resembled a chunkier Reese Witherspoon drunkenly masticating my neck and cheeks. It had taken some time to reach this point–”Do most Harvard guys take so long to get what they want?” she had asked, pushing her tongue into my mouth. I wasn’t sure what to say, but then I wasn’t sure this was what I wanted. My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to. I was supposed to be excited, but I was bored and somewhat disgusted with myself, with her, with the whole business… and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered–”You know, I’m on the pill…”

Let’s see, misogynist passive-aggressive drunken jerk blaming his impotence on a woman having access to birth control? WE HAVE A WINNER.

Kristol, maybe we won’t miss you so much after all.

Fear of Reese Witherspoon Look-Alikes on the Pill [Brad DeLong]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 188 comments }

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 2:48 pm

So he’s gay. So what? We need a little gay at the NYT op-ed page.

DustBowlBlues March 18, 2009 at 2:49 pm

I coudn’t read that. It’s too creepy. Is this a novel? Or just novel?

CrunchyKnee March 18, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Oh how I love “conservatives” and their wacky ways…never change republicans!

shanemacgowan March 18, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Had the subject of the story been “a chunkier Ryan Phillippe . . .” his reaction may have been different.

ManchuCandidate March 18, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Is page 185 when he writes about “denying her, his seed” and starts ranting about purity of our essences?

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! March 18, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Well, Sara, …..”Do most Harvard guys take so long to get what they want?”

We gotz to know!

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! March 18, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Come to think of it, flip ahead to the scene where the roof of her mouth is impaled by a spoon.

Pilate March 18, 2009 at 2:56 pm

“whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered–”You know, I’m on the pill…””

“You mean, no buttsects?”

americanscandoanything March 18, 2009 at 2:56 pm

dude needs to contact teh gays and get some grooming assistance, stat

SayItWithWookies March 18, 2009 at 2:56 pm

He couldn’t get it up because he couldn’t stop thinking about his pwetty mouf going to waste. Now can we get that excerpt read by Bill O’Reilly?

cranky March 18, 2009 at 2:56 pm

it can’t be said, do not fuck republicans, just fuck them over.

S.Luggo March 18, 2009 at 2:56 pm

There is a scene just like that in “The Pillar and the City.” Coincidence?

cranky March 18, 2009 at 2:56 pm

shit balls! “it can’t be said ENOUGH”

MarieDeGournay March 18, 2009 at 2:57 pm

“My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to.”

To do what! Egads, my students write better than this. Finish a fucking sentence please!

President Beeblebrox March 18, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Eh, I’ll take this any day over Scooter Libby’s yiffy furry sex writing in his adventure in novel-writing, “The Apprentice.”

“At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls, so the girls would be frigid… They fed her through the bars, and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest. Groups of men paid to watch.”

or

“Maybe you should report the strangers.”

“Some thought we should. There was a girl raped just before the storm. But we discovered it was a fox-spirit that raped her. Someone even saw the fox-spirit. It had taken the form of a man. She’s not right yet, but that is common with such things.”

or

“He asked if they should fuck the deer.”

Paterlanger March 18, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=268107]comradepaulson[/re]: Exactly, right? I mean, on the next page he definitely comes out right? No? Well what’s the book about then?

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Really, this guy will be more fun than Kristol. Kristol just wanted war, war, war, WAR. This guy thinks spilling titties and the Pill are scary and they make his privates sad. You can’t get that kind of awesome from Tom Friedman. Not even from David Brooks.

davesnothere March 18, 2009 at 3:00 pm

“My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to.”

Uh, do “most Harvard guys” write sentences like this? WTF does it mean?

norbizness March 18, 2009 at 3:00 pm

I love recycling, so here’s a Family Guy quote I used elsewhere for Rossie:

Adult Stewie: Well… that was new.

Fran: What? The 8 seconds of sex or the 40 minutes of crying?

Adult Stewie: Both, I guess.

jagorev March 18, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Sounds like your average Harvard guy (PLEASE DON’T BAN ME SARA)

Gorillionaire March 18, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Chunky Reese Witherspoon? I would hit that like a perpetual motion machine. What’s this fag’s problem?

Servo March 18, 2009 at 3:01 pm

He’s obviously a habitual bed-wetter well into adulthood. His mother called it “The Midnight Baptism”.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! March 18, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=268126]S.Luggo[/re]: Dude, they don’t know the Bonus Army. What makes you think they’ll get the Vidal Sassoon ref?

GIJoeIce March 18, 2009 at 3:02 pm

What a turbo.

Atheist Nun March 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm

“…a girl who resembled a chunkier Reese Witherspoon…”

…better than resembling a lumpy, retarded Kevin Smith, loozer!

(*cough*(DoucheHat!*cough*)

WadISay March 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm

If nobody jammed a spoon into anybody’s throat, it’s Jane Austin as far as I’m concerned.

swizzard March 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm

I’ve been wondering:
Do-that
or
Doubt-hat?

ForTheTurnstiles March 18, 2009 at 3:04 pm
shortsshortsshorts March 18, 2009 at 3:05 pm

SHE IS ON THE PILL? JESUS IS NOT PLEASED.

jagorev March 18, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Okay, but seriously, the line “You know, I’m on the pill” would be kind of a boner killer for me too. Not because I hate birth control or women’s right to choose, but because that’s such a painfully unsexy thing to say. You’d figure that maybe those details would have been discussed and set aside already before you begin snogging.

I mean, how would women respond if a guy told her, in the middle of necking: “You know, I had a vasectomy” or “You know, I have ribbed condoms on my bedside table”?

Lascauxcaveman March 18, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Closeted? Eh, it’s a matter of degree, I guess.

I remember what I was like in college, and whether drunk, dehydrated or barfing, back then I would have squirted three or four times by the time the chick in that scene got me free of my knickers.

Sorry, TMI, I know.

SayItWithWookies March 18, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=268145]swizzard[/re]: Chunky Reese Witherspoon on the pill? Ross wouldn’t Douthat.
Hope that helps.

Serolf Divad March 18, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Don’t people write books about idiots named Lenny who unintentionally suffocate mice and get shot in the back of the head the end anymore?

It’s all SEX, SEX, SEX with these conservatives.

Senile Agitation March 18, 2009 at 3:11 pm

That happened to me once, except I didn’t go to Harvard and Mom looks more like a chubby Goldie Hawn.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=268151]jagorev[/re]: people say stupid things during sex, especially when they are 20. if eloquence is required in a drunken, one night stand, be prepared to never get laid and then slowly fill up with resentment and become a republican douche with a column at the new york times.

AngryBlakGuy March 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm

…I call BULLSH%T!!! This guy couldn’t get laid in women’s prison with a fist full of pardons!!!

Servo March 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Reese Witherspoon fantasy: ”You know, I’m on the pill.”
Ross Douthat: “Me too.”

Atlas Spanked March 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Earth to Douthat: All the jaw-clenching and goatees still don’t hide your double chin.

Super “L” in 24-point Times Roman bold.

iwillsavethispatient March 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Speaking of a chunkier version of Reese Witherspoon… I’m pretty sure there’ll be a children’s treasure trove of right-wing blogs about this. Those people people are making me angry, and I don’t even pay UK tax anymore.

Lascauxcaveman March 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

[re=268148]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Haha! That’s great. My cousin who was in college at the same time I used to shout “Thank you, Freddy!” as a general-purpose exclamation of surprise or shocked dismay.

Neon Trotsky March 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Meh, that photo just makes me identify him with the bad guy from the 2002 movie Equilibrium, who secretly dabbled in the pleasures of “feeling” despite running a regime opposed to it. Huh, maybe they are the same person…

Anonymous Office Zombie March 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Our successful foray? Masticating? Wow, congratulations on owning a thesaurus. I guess that’s all it takes to be considered America’s Next Top Conservative Wunderkind.

Hey, hey, let’s not jump to conclusions about sexual orientation here. It was probably just Douche Bag’s “conscience of Niebuhr” that was fucking-up his game.

heroinmule March 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Why was this written down and published?

saggyboobedhag March 18, 2009 at 3:17 pm

His mouth looks like an asshole.

PAbitter March 18, 2009 at 3:17 pm

[re=268124]SayItWithWookies[/re]: it’s not pronounced “pwetty mouf.” It’s “purty mouth.”

ForTheTurnstiles March 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=268161]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: ABG on a roll today…

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm

She was actually saying “pillow” when he sat on her face.

Godot March 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=268129]MarieDeGournay[/re]: His ability to get a boner, I’m assuming. Since he clearly isn’t sexually attracted to women, and her apparently-ample bosom (I can’t imagine small boobs being said to be “spilling out” of anything) prevented him from pretending that she was a prepubescent boy.

[re=268122]Pilate[/re]: This also interfered with his normal fantasizing.

skyinator March 18, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Reminds me a bit of Chuckie Todd, with more hair.

GooseInANoose March 18, 2009 at 3:20 pm

“I retreated to the bathroom where, by the grace of God, a copy of the most recent National Review was tucked between a pair of Home & Gardens. Frantic, I turned to a photo of Kathryn Lopez and began to crank my johnson, but the pajama-clad harpies’ drunken calls hit like 3rd level sleep spells on my flaccid manhood. ‘Rooooosssssssss’ it moaned with the Vodka-soaked vulgarity of denied ecstasy, ‘Are you okay?’ My thoughts turned to escape. Was mother still up? Would she give me a ride home? Would she forgive such indiscretions? As another guttural groan spewed forth from my captor, the thought of ejaculating in the unnatural womb of Tracy Flick’s corpulent clone flooded my imagination like the memory of a fresh trauma. Disgusted, terrified, I reached for my cell phone…”

Dave J. March 18, 2009 at 3:21 pm

and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated

I really just absolutely hate the way these guys write. A chick was taking off her top for you and telling you she was on the pill, and you couldn’t get it up because (you claim) you had too much vodka. Ok, so tell it like that. Don’t take this psuedo-intellectual detached quasi-literary approach and think that an analytical tone of voice will distract me from the fact that you were suffering from softification of the wang.

Unsilly March 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

These conservative dudes are so predictable: the only want sex with nonconsenting teenage boys.

Dave J. March 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=268181]GooseInANoose[/re]: Oooh, that’s good. Well done.

lawrenceofthedesert March 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

Now that young Ross has completed “What I Did Last Summer,” he can move up to “My Pet Peeves.” (When is someone going to publish a conservative anthology entitled, “If It Feels Good, Don’t Trust It”?)

american mutt March 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

How a liberal writes about drunken sex:

I landed at LAX after a trip to DC and headed towards The Well in Hollywood. I got my Obama pins on on my Che shirt and fist bumped the hot blonde bartender as she served me my hefeweizen. Then like I twittered about how fucking cold it was at the inauguration. Anyway, this hot chick across the bar asked me about my obama stuff (i got fancy plates from the internet) and I said I support women’s rights and she said black people are going to rise up and take over. We then skedaddled back to her palce.

Chapter 2: Head

Come here a minute March 18, 2009 at 3:23 pm

It gets better when they get to the felafel shower sex scene.

jagorev March 18, 2009 at 3:26 pm

What Douthat fails to mention, obviously, is that she had asked for payment up front and set the kitchen timer to ding after 15 minutes. NOT SEXY.

Styrofoam Boots March 18, 2009 at 3:30 pm

I think the problem he’s trying to convey is that it wasn’t a 12-year old boy who was “masticating” him. OH!

sati demise March 18, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=268145]swizzard[/re]: douche, that.

Servo March 18, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Was she talking to him or their brother?

masterdebater March 18, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=268107]comradepaulson[/re]: That was my first thought!!! But, then I thought, if that’s a picture of the guy, he isn’t as likely to be gay as he is to be one of those bomb making wingnuts that live in the woods because the “gummint is out to get us”. That guy just doesn’t look good enough to be gay…or get laid at all for that matter. Yea, I think I’m calling bullshit on his whole story!

shanemacgowan March 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

[re=268187]american mutt[/re]: [re=268189]Come here a minute[/re]: Both of your versions have appeal, but I believe that this is more realistic. http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20081126/NEWS/81126006

kentuckienne2 March 18, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Ha, as a soon-to-be-unemployed Harvard alumna, I can report that Mr. Douthat wrote 90% of the articles in the campus’ lone, painfully thin conservative newspaper. I used to read it for shits and giggles while I read breakfast, much as I read the “Washington Examiner” editorial page now. I do, however, have to give him credit for actually managing to see breasts before he graduated, even if he was apparently repulsed by them.

SlouchingTowardsWasilla March 18, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Does Chunkier Reese Witherspoon = Meghan McCain?

carn March 18, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=268181]GooseInANoose[/re]: hahaha!

PrairiePossum March 18, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Penthouse Forum wouldn’t publish that douchebag.

Gorillionaire March 18, 2009 at 3:38 pm

[re=268181]GooseInANoose[/re]: Proof that the world is not fair – Douchehat got paid for his “writing”, and you just wrote that for free.

Mustang March 18, 2009 at 3:39 pm

[re=268151]jagorev[/re]: Believe me. They would respnd with “You are an incredibly responsible individual. I think I like you[re=268161]

AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I agree. Harvard or no Haaaavaaad, this guy looks like a creepy weirdo.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! March 18, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=268221]kentuckienne2[/re]: Um, Sara, is Ken still mad about the Bonus Army thing?

qaf March 18, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=268126]S.Luggo[/re] & [re=268139]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: One or both of you is funnin’ around here, an’ I can’t tell which. (It being The City and the Pillar and Gore Vidal who wrote it.) Tres postmoderne.

It’s a pity Gore Vidal was murdered by the Manson Family before he could turn into some wizened self-exile would-be aristocrat who pops up every four years to declare the American Empire over. But his wife Tipper is hott.

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=268223]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: I believe we’ve figured out this Sacred Text of Douchethat. All the pieces of the puzzle are falling slowly into place.

finland March 18, 2009 at 3:41 pm

in response to me asking in comments what section of the book this exciting story was in brad DeL writes:
“[About how horrible birth control is--that you should be scared of getting pregnant or getting her pregnant so that sex is a meaningful deed of overwhelming passion and love, and that the availability of birth control cheapens it...]”

good to know i guess. but it drains the air out of my theory that this was the first part of the chapter called “how i met frank” :(

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=268160]cranky[/re]: I attended a community college so the guys just asked, “are we gonna fuck or what?” I recall once dating a guy who was a less ridiculous male version of Douthat.

Links March 18, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Note to self: If you ever sleep with a conservative guy, tell them you’re ‘on abstinence’ (so Palinuesqe, so sexy!), hide your breasts, keep your tongue and lips to yourself (no nibbling) and don’t mess with their residual enthusiasm by talking. If all else fails, talk about Reagan.

answerbird March 18, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=268137]Gorillionaire[/re]: I’m with you brother. An agressive, slightly chunky Reese on the pill in pajamas + an ample amount of vodka = nirvana. Only a douchebag wouldn’t be excited by that! Is is just me, or is the entire Republican party now made up of repressed gay men and the women that are stuck with them?

Hart88 March 18, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Where is the “chunky Reese Witherspoon” these days? I’d LOVE to hear her side of the story.

norbizness March 18, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=268165]Atlas Spanked[/re]: From the Venture Brothers…

Monarch Henchman #24 (to #21): “And remember, a beard is not a substitute for a jawline, no matter how you trim it.”

Gopherit March 18, 2009 at 3:52 pm

Just think about being paddled by your frat-brothers next time Douche-wit. You’ll get harder than a diamond.

assistant/atlas March 18, 2009 at 3:52 pm

[re=268137]Gorillionaire[/re]: “I would hit that like a perpetual motion machine” is my new favorite expression. I hope you’re okay with me using it frequently. Because I will regardless.

Carrie_Okie March 18, 2009 at 3:54 pm

[re=268145]swizzard[/re]: DoucheHat, Do Shat?

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=268237]Links[/re]: In short, never fuck a conservative. Roger that.

Mista Eko March 18, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=268134]davesnothere[/re]: I’m a little confused myself. But I think signs point to gay.

“but then I wasn’t sure this was what I wanted. My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to”

It seems that the breasts are prohibiting him from getting what he wants. Yet men at any and all times just want breasts. If that isn’t screaming teh gay then I don’t know what does.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=268236]Custerwolf[/re]: are you saying Douthat is really a woman? now that would definitely explain how unconvincingly a man is being portrayed in the text!

imissopus March 18, 2009 at 4:01 pm

Tonight on the Factor, O’Reilly and Douthat share their tips for getting published in Penthouse Forum.

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 4:02 pm

That pouty little mouth of his is begging for some two-fisted love.

NoWireHangers March 18, 2009 at 4:05 pm

“That night, I learned a valuable lesson: never leave home before mother had fastened my chastity briefs. Never again.”

Mustang March 18, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=268257]Mista Eko[/re]: His ability to spill? Vomit? Semen?

NoWireHangers March 18, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=268187]american mutt[/re]: If only it were that easy to get laid at The Well…

bonghitsforjesus March 18, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Douche-hat needs to read Ayn Rand and learn how to really write a sex scene!

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 4:08 pm

[re=268260]cranky[/re]: Well, I had to google some additional Doubthat photos to see if he always appeared so incredibly limp-dicked – and I finally found one that had him looking as though he would actually fuck his mother before cutting off her head.

Monsieur Grumpe March 18, 2009 at 4:09 pm

LNSer reject. Very sad.

Mustang March 18, 2009 at 4:10 pm

I just looked him up on Wikipedia. He looks even worse. Also, it indicates he converted to Catholicism when he was an adolescent. I’m sorry, and I’m a lapsed Catholic, but who converts to Catholicism in high school?

MarSF March 18, 2009 at 4:12 pm

Okay there needs to be a law forbidding unattractive bloated asshats from commenting on a woman’s weight.

Hey Ross! Take a look in the freaking mirror!

cranky March 18, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=268280]Custerwolf[/re]: you have to be referring to the one where he is with abigail tucker.

lampadadog March 18, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Friends, let us not forget that this entire scene is described as a “successful foray”. Or at the very least–given the poor quality of the writing it is difficult to be certain–the ending of an otherwise “successful foray”!

I don’t read “gay” out of this; I read that someone needs to be Punished thoroughly and told how Naughty he is for even thinking about Masticating and Tongues, much less Spilling! Chewing on his cheeks and advertising your birth control status are signs of eager submission, too overt and repugnant for Naughty Ross. Some more powerful woman needed to take him in hand. Or, he’s gay.

NoWireHangers March 18, 2009 at 4:15 pm

A criminal profiler could base their career on decoding the psychological implications of these Republican “novels”. In this particular passage, as with Mr. O’Reilly’s book yesterday, we see the manifestation of a man’s own self-hatred and perceived inadequacy as projected onto a female acquaintance or womankind in general. For example, Mr. Douthat sees himself as fat, balding, and repulsive, therefore any woman who would agree to sleep with him takes on these qualities by default. It’s a sad catch-22 which does not necessarily indicate homosexuality, as any sexual contact would most likely result in the same emotional response. Rather, this may be indicative of a sexual life comprised of tears and masturbation, often at the same time.

MarSF March 18, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=268285]Mustang[/re]: Fucking “Bobby” Jindal. Somehow going from Hindu to Catholic seems even worse.

bfstevie@yahoo.com March 18, 2009 at 4:18 pm

[re=268148]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Wow! What a great Zappa clip. Thanks, man.

Don Diego Gallo del Pollo March 18, 2009 at 4:21 pm

[re=268285]Mustang[/re]: Was there not enough guilt in Pentecostalism?

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=268290]cranky[/re]: Actually, in that one he looks more like a Down’s Syndromey version of Leo DiCaprio. Don’t tell him that though – it’ll go to his non-flaccid head.

Mustang March 18, 2009 at 4:25 pm

[re=268304]Don Diego Gallo del Pollo[/re]: Excellent point.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 4:36 pm

what’s with all the people who assume hating women means your gay? most gay men ignore women or pretend to like them overly much. this guy isn’t gay, he’s a failed serial killer.

[re=268306]Custerwolf[/re]: well then maybe Trig Palin can have a successful future as a conservative columnist.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 4:40 pm

[re=268304]Don Diego Gallo del Pollo[/re]: there never is. the pentecosteratti are all about fear, apparently as a teen he had already absorbed a mentally crippling dose of fear, and had to switch to something that could eat away at the rest of him, and he certainly couldn’t become a Jew.

WadISay March 18, 2009 at 4:42 pm

Chunky Reese Witherspoon is a Ben & Jerry’s flavor that tastes bitter and leaves you filled with remorse.

Gorillionaire March 18, 2009 at 4:49 pm

[re=268285]Mustang[/re]: A dude who needs to just go ahead and hook up with a dude, that’s who.

Jerri March 18, 2009 at 4:50 pm

He looks like the love child of Ricky Gervais and Orson Welles.

NoWireHangers March 18, 2009 at 4:52 pm

[re=268285]Mustang[/re]: Catholic converts are the worst. They’re the people who run into a burning building.

Naked Bunny with a Whip March 18, 2009 at 4:58 pm

I was confused and thought this was part of Douthat’s NYT column, which made it 1000x more interesting.

iolanthe March 18, 2009 at 5:00 pm

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

Notice how it was the sight of breasts that *really* did him in.
I agree. A chunkier Ryan Philippe would have gotten some play.

iolanthe March 18, 2009 at 5:04 pm

[re=268151]jagorev[/re]: About the vasectomy? I would ask for proof. As for the ribbed condoms, well … hell yeah! I’d rather be with a guy who brags about his condom collection than the myriad guys who whine and whine and whine about having to wear one.

Lionel Hutz Esq. March 18, 2009 at 5:06 pm

I call bullshit. I’m pretty sure that was an episode of Friends.

However, you do have to admire how he was able to work in Harvard and his impotence in the same paragraph. I am sure his writing for the Times will be just as good.

Barrett808 March 18, 2009 at 5:10 pm

[re=268130]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Goddammit, Beeblebrox, you beat me to the obligatory Scooter “Horny Bear” Libby porn.

Lionel Hutz Esq. March 18, 2009 at 5:14 pm

So, has anyone read the chapter where he talks about how listening to Liza Minnelli set him free?

[re=268357]Jerri[/re]: I always think he looks like that guy in his 30s that lives with his mom in the house that is just a little too close to the Catholic Girls School.

Ken Layne March 18, 2009 at 5:15 pm

[re=268337]cranky[/re]: I think it’s the hating sex with women that’s leading to this closet diagnosis. The just-being-misogynist part is very manly.

sezme March 18, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Oh, he makes me so hot with his sexy, sexy prose.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 5:28 pm

[re=268396]Ken Layne[/re]: hmm, i’m standing by it!

i often run into this idea problem with the straight men i know, because i won’t hang around assholes. these guys are always shocked that there are straight men out there who are disgusted by sex with women, and they always insist those guys are gay. i submit that a survey of straight women who’ve fucked a few strangers in their lives would show that many straight guys are like this. not a majority, but a solid 10-15%.

whorish straight ladies, what say you to my theory?

iolanthe March 18, 2009 at 5:30 pm

[re=268151]jagorev[/re]: About the vasectomy? I would ask for proof. As for the ribbed condoms, well … hell yeah! I’d rather be with a guy who brags about his condom collection than the myriad guys who whine and whine and whine about having to wear one.[re=268288]MarSF[/re]:

AxmxZ March 18, 2009 at 5:31 pm

Women are so yucky, with their breasts, and their nibbling… and their breasts.

Oh look, a pre-pubescent boy! *schwing*

iolanthe March 18, 2009 at 5:32 pm

[re=268285]Mustang[/re]: Who converts to Catholicism in high school? Somebody who’s terrified of sex, for whatever reason. I’m surprised he didn’t head off to seminary.

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 5:34 pm

[re=268429]cranky[/re]: As a whoreish straight lady, I have to say no. Scared by sex with a woman? Maybe, if she has a riding crop. Disgusted? No. They like the vagina. That’s why they are straight.

Advocatus_Diaboli March 18, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Dear Gay Penthouse Forum;
I never thought I’d be writing to you, but …

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 5:40 pm

[re=268429]cranky[/re]: As a whorish straight woman, yes, I have run into a few straight men who play these very strange games where you basically have to beg them for sex. I prefer a more assertive male – one whom I have to beat off rather than beat off, if you know what I mean.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 5:42 pm

[re=268447]comradepaulson[/re]: maybe i get all the pedophiles. just my luck. . .

hobospacejungle March 18, 2009 at 5:48 pm

[re=268137]Gorillionaire[/re]: Chunky Reese Witherspoon? I would hit that like a perpetual motion machine. What’s this fag’s problem?

Thank you for making me laugh out loud heartily. And I agree. Regular Reese Witherspoon could use some meat on her bones.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 5:48 pm

[re=268458]Custerwolf[/re]: i think this might be closer to what i am trying to get at, those guys who find a woman wanting sex to be disgusting.

i am not arguing for or against this freak be gay, i just think this could be very easily read his being disgusted by her being sexually assertive, rather than by her being female. that frankly is more fucked up, because the number of men his age who are akeered of a woman wanting sex from them is probably less than those with the gay.

hopefully he is gay, the closet is more curable than the alternative.

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 5:56 pm

[re=268470]cranky[/re]: Two of my examples are ex-boyfriends – and they both had HUGE stashes of (straight)porn I found out later. Now THAT is fucked up. Maybe I wasn’t spilling my breasts out of my jammies enough to arouse their manhood?

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 6:01 pm

[re=268470]cranky[/re]: I guess the distinguishing factor here – gay or not – is whether the guy likes to fuck.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2009 at 6:02 pm

[re=268181]GooseInANoose[/re]: Add a paragraph where, as he goes to meet Mommy, he trips over a body with a spoon hanging out of its mouth and you’ve got yourself a bestseller!

DustBowlBlues March 18, 2009 at 6:07 pm

[re=268127]cranky[/re]: You were okay, Cranky. We got it. At least, I got it but I’m the kinder, more forgiving version of wonkeratti.

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 6:16 pm

[re=268470]cranky[/re]: [re=268477]Custerwolf[/re]: I concede the point that a man may be frightened and/or disgusted by a woman who so clearly wants some dick. I just don’t think they are frightened or disgusted by womenfolk in general except for the haters, of course.

This does not excuse Mr. Douthat, though, who is clearly gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that and I applaud the NYT for his appointment. It means we can argue about this every Monday until the Rapture finally arrives.

psilage March 18, 2009 at 6:32 pm

[re=268113]ManchuCandidate[/re]: LOL! Kid’s Ice Cream, Mandrake!

Jerri March 18, 2009 at 6:38 pm

[re=268394]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I don’t believe the two are mutually exclusive.

windupbird March 18, 2009 at 6:43 pm

hmm…….I once had a boyfriend who complained (once) that I wanted to do “it” too much, and that I needed to let him take the lead more. He was an asshole, too.

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 6:50 pm

[re=268530]windupbird[/re]: Was his name Mike?

cranky March 18, 2009 at 6:56 pm

[re=268530]windupbird[/re]: ha!

[re=268530]windupbird[/re]: and [re=268477]Custerwolf[/re]:

thank you, i appreciate your efforts on behalf of my attempt to focus on his dickishness (proven and known to be unfortunate) rather than gay (assumed, based on dickishness).

[re=268491]DustBowlBlues[/re]:
and thank you for noticing i was crankying about psychotic, little assholes, not men generally.

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 7:10 pm

[re=268540]cranky[/re]: It’s just more fun for me (and others, I suspect) to mock him as gay, that’s all. He’s a conservative Christian prude: if you just call these guys a “dick” it doesn’t bother them as much. They think they’re right to be mean to the “whores.”

I think Douthat is actually married. Which doesn’t prove anything either way. But yes, he is a proven dick.

IceCreamEmpress March 18, 2009 at 7:26 pm

Yes, the “boobies, EW” part is very gay. Very, very gay.

Also, comparing women to chick-flick stars instead of porn stars is quite gay.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 7:38 pm

[re=268563]comradepaulson[/re]: that’s more effective if you are sending him missives he can read. (and i’m laughing as i type that, i love the idea of him being swamped with wonkette-style gay diagnoses. email him now!)

i do think it’s fun to mock him for being a sexual coward. in fact, that would be a fun post once he’s been routed from the nytimes “douthat, sexual coward, columnless”.

after a while, saying that every guy whose sexuality is fucking creepy is a fag just becomes really, unfunny. funny-notfunny.

Gallowglass March 18, 2009 at 7:45 pm

He’ll fit right in with the other conservative luminaries, on account of being so totally gay.

Gallowglass March 18, 2009 at 7:49 pm

[re=268129]MarieDeGournay[/re]: I wondered that too. “My ability to”…what? Put your penis inside her?

comradepaulson March 18, 2009 at 8:01 pm

[re=268593]cranky[/re]: First off, I’m not being serious, obviously. The dude has issues, but I don’t know what his sexuality is. If we can’t call Jesus-y GOPers with sexual issues gay on Wonkette, then this site has lost all purpose and form. Hell, if we can’t call all these people the offensive names we want, then we might as well just become David Denby. And you pry the snark out of my cold, dead hands before that happens.

Second, I feel this thread has had a tasty mixing of mocking both his sexual cowardice and his fake “gayness.” I’m sorry that the gay stuff is less funny to you, but there has been, I believe, a good amount of snark going either way on the issue.

Gallowglass March 18, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=268563]comradepaulson[/re]: He’s married? Ha! A beard for his beard.

Gallowglass March 18, 2009 at 8:11 pm

[re=268609]comradepaulson[/re]: It reminds me of the movie “Waiting” when Luis Guzman explains “The Game” (ambushing one another with penises): “And be sure to call the other guy a fag. The Game loses all meaning if you don’t deride your victim for being a fuckin’ meatcake,” Today, we ambushed Douchehat with our metaphorical penises. But he probably is gay. Also.

K. Signal Eingang March 18, 2009 at 8:24 pm

And then I accidentally my ability to.

iolanthe March 18, 2009 at 8:30 pm

[re=268429]cranky[/re]: Sorry, Cranky! The guys I knew back in my Slut Days who were actually icked-out by womens’ bodies all ended up coming out as gay eventually.

If 10% of the guys dating women actually feel this way in the presence of any horny reasonably attractive woman, well … 10% of the guys dating women probably shouldn’t be dating women. A straight guy, even if she’s “not his type”, will probably figure out how to carry on.

One close friend of mine was engaged to a girl for five years. He was an odd one, though. He loved breasts (and still loves them, although he touches them like Harpo Marx honking a horn). But vaginas scare him silly, to this day. He is absolutely phobic about all the little folds and ruffles, etc.

I always give him a different Georgia O’Keefe calendar, every Christmas ’cause that’s the kind of friend I am.

IceCreamEmpress March 18, 2009 at 8:36 pm

after a while, saying that every guy whose sexuality is fucking creepy is a fag just becomes really, unfunny. funny-notfunny.

I think that we can safely call every guy who writes ‘EW BOOBIES’ in his memoir gay. Whether or not you find that funny.

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 8:37 pm

[re=268469]hobospacejungle[/re]: And here I thought Mr. Douchehat was the only person on earth who could use words like “bones,” “Reese Witherspoon” “on her” and “meat” in one sentence and not make one single reference about fucking.

Studge March 18, 2009 at 8:53 pm

I would do anything for love, but I won’t Douthat.

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Vaginaphobes aside – I was just saying that some dudes (dudes like Ms.Douchee?)act like they want the chick to be the sexual aggressor while they just lay back with their smug superior little “do me” attitudes – and I’m like, “Hey, do you wanna fuck or what?” Because why fuck someone who’s not into it – when there’s always someone else who is? For me, the greatest aphrodisiac is pure, unadulterated LUST. That and a big dick.

Mr Blifil March 18, 2009 at 9:06 pm

“I’m on the pill, which I’m informing you so that you will think about all the OTHER MEN’S PENISES I’VE SEEN AND STUCK INSIDE ME.”

Now the question is: does the flooding of his imagination with an army of penises cause his dysfunction, or does he just need to cover the fact that he’s turned on by pretending to be impotent? Noted opinionist/humorist Alexander Woolcott was famous around the Algonquin Roundtable for being “asexual.” Which meant he only liked to fuck and suck men and boys. I think our boy Asshat is in this predicament.

PsycGirl March 18, 2009 at 9:36 pm

[re=268429]cranky[/re]: Once the man establishes that he is repulsed by sex with women, we tend not to interrogate further because what’s the point, really? You know you’re definitely not getting any oral out of him so it’s time to move on.

slinkimalinki March 18, 2009 at 9:40 pm

[re=268429]cranky[/re]: as a whorish woman, i’ve only met one guy like that, so we’re basically looking at around 1%

PsycGirl March 18, 2009 at 9:42 pm

[re=268530]windupbird[/re]: Isn’t that like someone getting the car of their dreams for Christmas and bitching about the color of the giant bow on it?

picyou March 18, 2009 at 10:17 pm

This guy’s brooding visage needs some Blingee work.

picyou March 18, 2009 at 10:22 pm

…These are not my sister’s pajamas! These are not my mother’s breasts!

Pop Socket March 18, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Not gay, but a complete douchebag. Trashing a woman that wants to bone him for being overweight. Pot meet kettle. Wants to fuck him bareback but his nutjob Catholic repression about birth control gives him qualms. Blames his impotence on her over-eagerness. He is going to be a barrel of laughs.

cranky March 18, 2009 at 10:27 pm

[re=268609]comradepaulson[/re]: i’d say it is funny for a while, but i obviously spend a lot of time here on the wonkette, while a few make me giggle, somewhere around the 50th “fag!” joke, i feel defeated by unfunny. the 50th “truck nutz!” has the same impact. there is so much good-funny, such a breadth of mockable, snark-ass magic that can be unloaded on this guy, i hate to see the lazy take control.

what i’m saying is: i’m here all day, entertain me better you lazy bastards!

sanantonerose March 18, 2009 at 10:34 pm

Wow. I have so much more respect for him now for not fucking some drunken chunky chick. Asshole!

loupgarou March 18, 2009 at 10:42 pm

Conservative found simultaneously to want and loathe sex. In other news, prominent liberatarian expresses objects to arrest for marijuana possession.

mylesfromnowhere March 18, 2009 at 10:51 pm

If I can’t get the talking book version done by Best Selling PronWriter Bill OReilly, I don’t want to hear about it.

Aquannissiwamissoo March 18, 2009 at 11:09 pm

If she had only worn crotchless pantaloons.

That, as Robert Frost said, would have made all the difference.

freerangemink March 18, 2009 at 11:15 pm

[re=268151]jagorev[/re]: Wrong.

expatinOz March 18, 2009 at 11:29 pm

I’m guessing Douche-hat has some serious man cans, so he should not be afraid of the boobies. Unless he’s just jealous cuz hers are bigger.

[re=268540]cranky[/re]: Um, I’m a chunky girl and I’ve never had a problem by boys icked out by sex with me…at least, if they are, we’ve never gotten to the me-in-my-pjs-tits-hanging-out-sexytimes point…oh wait, there was the one guy, but he’s a lonely sad wanker who bitches like a Heather and doesn’t understand why he sucks with the womens when it’s cuz he’s awkward and rude and a crap kisser.

Custerwolf March 18, 2009 at 11:52 pm

[re=268713]expatinOz[/re]: I had one of those once. He was one of those guys who had obviously never posed (to a living woman) that all-important question , “does that feel good?”

expatinOz March 19, 2009 at 12:06 am

[re=268716]Custerwolf[/re]: Yeah, frankly I wasn’t too sad to see the back of that guy. He hit on me again last time I saw him, he’s a friend of a friend, and all I could think was, “Really? Because last time was sooo fun?” and I knocked him back and found someone hotter to pash.

Zadig March 19, 2009 at 12:14 am

[re=268631]iolanthe[/re]: That is the meanest gift ever, and for that I applaud you. That’s even worse than me almost getting my granddad that Naked Obama on Unicorn painting, and yours is also a billion times more subtle in terms of fear realization.

Custerwolf March 19, 2009 at 12:20 am

[re=268720]expatinOz[/re]: Good on ya mate.

Letter From Siberia March 19, 2009 at 12:40 am

“One successful foray”. This dude needs to buy himself a new dictionary. But we already know that.

Custerwolf March 19, 2009 at 12:46 am

[re=268724]Letter From Siberia[/re]: It was mis-transcribed, he meant to write, “unsuccessful foreplay.”

cranky March 19, 2009 at 1:45 am

[re=268713]expatinOz[/re]: ok, i’m sorry, but this makes no sense. a lot of people are saying “never” or 1%, or “yeah but they were all gay”. sorry, but i’m not buying the idea that 99 to 100% of straight men are completely comfortable with their sexualities and/or women’s bodies. 99-100% of nobody is perfect.

some straight men do have whacked feelings/thoughts/attitudes/behaviors towards women’s bodies and/or sexualities, because that is normal. most handle it in reasonable ways, like most every other man and woman on earth. but some people don’t, and not every man who has blatantly fucked up attitudes about women’s sexuality is gay.

i’m willing to go along with all the people who are just being shitty to this little douche and giving him some stick, but anyone who seriously posits the 99-100% of straight men are perfectly comfortable with women won’t be taken seriously by me. it’s just too silly.

cranky March 19, 2009 at 1:47 am

[re=268713]expatinOz[/re]: and crap kissers are the worst. worst!

Zorg March 19, 2009 at 2:02 am

“My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to.” That’s the complete sentence? Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, if this is a sentence written by a man who went to Harvard, he needs to ask for a full tuition refund. Or, Harvard should get it’s degree back. Also, if he had had “too much vodka,” he might have had to ask chunky Reese for a little knob-gobbling to get Mr. Happy happening, but he would have done her. Also.
Ross, my man, when another bearded typewriter jockey whom I bet you idolize found that he could no longer drink or screw, he did the right thing and blew his brains out with a shotgun.

hobospacejungle March 19, 2009 at 2:03 am

Thank you all for making me horny in a strange kind of way. Especially the wimminz talking dirty. I realize we are here to crack on Mr. Douchehat, but the law of unintended consequences has occasionally made my pants tight today. Please more posts that stimulate (heh) conversations about sex, please, Wonkette Overlords.

And I’m still laughing at “hit that like a perpetual motion machine.”

lightninglouie March 19, 2009 at 3:07 am

Poor dude never got over being rejected by Natalie Portman back in Harvard (source: http://slate.msn.com/id/2114657/?GT1=6208):

We do, however, hear—and at great length—about how Douthat failed to get into the “final club” of his choice… and how a certain campus starlet (who “would have been pretty had it not been for the ghostly, heavily made-up pallor of her skin and the coldness of her eyes”) refused to acknowledge his existence.

JDHART March 19, 2009 at 7:31 am

Slutty women are so disgusting. But slutty men … now you’re talking!

CampbellBrown' March 19, 2009 at 9:20 am

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

zhubajie March 19, 2009 at 9:44 am

[re=268109]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Probably a spiced up diary entry.

Zhu Bajie

iolanthe March 19, 2009 at 10:46 am

[re=268636]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: Backed.

norbizness March 19, 2009 at 11:12 am

It’s worse that we could have imagined (not his infantile Sky Fairy-informed position on stem cell research, but that picture where he looks like Charles Laughton after a night out drinking with Christopher Hitchens).

Custerwolf March 19, 2009 at 11:14 am

[re=268737]cranky[/re]: Worst.

Mr Blifil March 19, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=268863]iolanthe[/re]: Tripled.

Gallowglass March 19, 2009 at 4:04 pm

[re=268746]lightninglouie[/re]: Wow. I just read that review and now I hate Douchehat more than I did before. “Corn-fed” Southerners, “Blank-faced” Asians? And then he talks about how Harvard is a sink of privilege and condescension? Eat a dick, Douthat.

And Natalie Portman didn’t talk to you because you’re a sneeringly self-important twat-waffle, not because of her make-up and “cold eyes”

Hagar77 March 20, 2009 at 1:15 am

If this is the conservative movement’s new shining literary light, someone get out the bushel basket; there was far better material than that in my high school literary magazine, and I am from East Tennessee.

loupgarou March 20, 2009 at 3:27 am

That is some serious SAD, to max out on religion when you’re in freakin’ high school. I expect people to get all churchy when they’re old as hell; they can’t enjoy sex any more, so they might as well seek enjoyment where they can, and being censorious fits the bill for many.

But some attain to that level of prowess before others, so fair play to Ross.

yosoy April 28, 2009 at 1:30 pm

So my question is, is it part of God’s plan that this guy’s name is approximately what you get when you cross “douche” and “asshat”?

what tha? May 11, 2009 at 12:17 pm

[re=268151]jagorev[/re]: How about full disclosure on cold/and, or/allergy medications? Foot creams? Scalp treatments?

MickFinn May 15, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Definitely another toe-tapping Larry Craig-er – so now the bathrooms really aren’t safe for Rush Limbaugh at the NYT . . .

JJPasadena June 1, 2009 at 3:48 pm

The only thing successful about that “foray” is that he found out that he wasn’t into girls.

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