America Will Still Be Converted To Gmail

  nerd patrol

Must kill Sarah ... Palin.Vivek Kundra, the nerd hired by Barack Obama to replace the United States with millions of murderous Flying Terminators called “cloud computing,” had to step aside for a week because, whoops, his former office in Washington was raided by the Feds. Why? Because it’s a D.C. government office, silly, so various staffers were involved in the usual D.C. government activities (graft). But Vivek, he had nothing to do with it — which is why the Washington Times was forced to dig up something bad about this fellow.

Kundra, who was praised for ditching all of Washington’s expensive broken-ass technology and basically putting everything and everybody on Google docs and Gmail, has a very dark secret: He was raised in Africa! Oh, also, dumb motherfucker shoplifted when he was 21, and got caught. [DCist/Washington Times/NYT Caucus]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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53 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    OMG ANOTHER AFRICAN?
    That One Laptop per Child program is obviously destroying Real American Values.

  2. ForTheTurnstiles

    Was he stealing the Washington Times? A Moonie bride? Did he need to get some condoms for that Jeff Gannon guy?

  3. hobospacejungle

    So unlike Booby Jindal, when Kundra’s dad brought him to America and walked him through the delights of our gloriously over-filled supermarkets, dad told him “security at these places suck, you can stuff shit under your coat and walk right out with it. It’s the American way.”

    The Unbearable Lightness of My Shopping Bill

  4. Doglessliberal

    If you change your settings to activate the “True American Patriot Translator” (TM), the article actually says

    “Only one incident showed up, but we know there are many more where he was not caught or he bribed the commie prosecutor, because, after all, he is brown and has a funny name, and you KNOW how they are. You have to count your change twice when you shop at the 7-11″

  5. shanemacgowan

    Kundra has been said to deny that Rev. Moon is the Second Coming of Christ and is fulfilling Jesus’ unfinished mission. According to the Times, that should disqualify him from public office.

  6. Hooray For Anything

    [re=267929]Doglessliberal[/re]: Don’t forget, Sergey Brin, one of the founders of Google, is Russian. Russian! Just one more step to the overthrow of capitalism and the Frenchification of ‘Merika.

  7. Carrie_Okie

    Oh now fucking everyone from Caribou Harpie to Bernie Madoff (wit-yo-money) will be claiming “youthful indiscretion.” Thanks, hopey.

  8. mylesfromnowhere

    [re=267930]magic titty[/re]: Hey! what are you doing? I saw that remark under your shirt earlier. You think you’re gonna get out of here without paying for that? Damn shoplifter.

  9. kudzu

    [re=267932]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Will Frenchification mean we’ll finally get some fucking decent bread in this country? If so, I’m all for it.

  10. AngryBlakGuy

    …shoplifting? Why didn’t he just get a bailout and “Retention Bonus” like real U.S. Americans?!

  11. Aloysius

    And here we have an otherwise good, productive member of society who stepped up to sacrifice his time and talent for the greater commonwealth being torn down and destroyed by the free-loading media. Hey, maybe the Randroids have a point… Nah, fuck ‘em with a knotted rope, and then string this guy up by his truknutz.

  12. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish!

    Pfft, Anya said yawl are a super fun blog but you are bringing me DOWN!!!111!!!!

    Also, nom nom nom.

  13. Doglessliberal

    [re=267932]Hooray For Anything[/re]: oh, crap! We are all doomed! Teh Commoonists are coming!

  14. Nerdalicious

    “Aaron Boone of the Houston Astros will have open heart surgery to replace an aortic valve.” ~AP

    Ok, Aaron Boone, Babs Shrub, Robin Williams, all have aortic valves replaced by synthetic valves. Soylent Green is aortic valves!

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    Like many a fresh-faced immigrant, he was overly influenced by the Boone-and-Pinto-go-grocery-shopping scene in Animal House.

  16. Serolf Divad

    Here’s the dirt on the 1996 arrest:

    He stole a Snickers bar, which he was going to trade for a Coke, which he was going to sell at an intersection for $2.00, which he was going to use to buy a loaf of bread and some cheese, which he was going to use to make sandwiches to sell at $1.50 a pop, thus netting $40.00, which he was going to use to buy a Saturday Night Special, which he was going to use to rob a liquor store for $300.00, which he was going to use to buy come Cocaine, which he was going to sell for $3000.00, which he was going to heavily leverage and invest in tech stocks, which would net him $300,000 by 1998, which he was going to use to buy a Stinger Missile in Afghanistan, which he was going to use to SHOOT DOWN AIR FORCE ONE!!!!!!!!

  17. cranky

    i find this, the shoplifting, adorable and am desperate to know what he picked up. i always stole hair dye and lip balm, things i wanted but didn’t need and couldn’t afford.
    condoms? alcohol? a star trek box set? rubber bands for his head gear? i need to know. come on post, you started it, finish it!

  18. Doglessliberal

    [re=267969]Nerdalicious[/re]: it seems you could feed a lot of people on non-diseased but removed parts. Nothing poisonous about the valve; it is just worn out. I bet we could get some of the flesh removed from formerly-obese people who get skin removed. Or lipo fat, which would be perfect for deep frying, thus providing more food that will make people obese…and need more lipo. This is a great idea.

  19. masterdebater

    “Oh, also, dumb motherfucker shoplifted when he was 21, and got caught.”

    This is, of course, the one thing that even Jesus will not forgive. No, not theft. Getting caught! The secret, as we have all seen, is to just keep denying it until the story is so old that you can claim it never happened. The repuplicans have a much better grasp of this sort of thing.

  20. Nerdalicious

    Who is this Rethug Scott Garrett that just gave Mr. Big at AIG a public blow job? Thank you for your service to this country blah, blah, blah. And he’s on the f*****g Banking Committee! Would someone just tweeze that ONE hair left on Garrets head? I am so f*****g *&%&!@ pissed! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

  21. Doglessliberal

    [re=267980]Serolf Divad[/re]: That shows real American Capitalistic spirit there: free enterprise, entrepreneurism, etc. And then we’d need to build a new Air Force One, so that would create new jobs.

  22. BeRightBack

    None of this changes the fact that The Incredible Lightness of Being is a fantastic book.

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=267985]Doglessliberal[/re]: Is it wrong that when I look at these people, I’m suddenly hungry for sausage?

    (I mean actual, food sausage. Not gay codeword sausage.)

  24. Doglessliberal

    [re=268003]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: hey, meat is meat is meat. Which is why some of us are vegetarians….

  25. lawrenceofthedesert

    Who names their kid “Vivek”?!? I’ll tell ya who — somebody who cheats at Scrabble! What ever happened to “Herb” or “Murray the Camel”?

  26. Nerdalicious

    [re=267985]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Me too, I think it’s a damn conspiracy. Where’s Oliver Stone? It’s probably some medical sleaze bag company that is pushing aortic valves on people. Like some sleazy auto repair company that tell you you need a new thingamajig because your extended warrenty covers the $3,000. Except NO ONE is overseeing those sleaze bag medical companies. They are worse than Haliburton was with Darth Cheney & Iraq. Say what you will about John Edwards but, he said he would NEVER negotiate with those criminal medical, pharmaceutical & insurance companies. You’ll see, it will come out, just like this AIG, banking crap. Mark my words. This happened to a friend of mine: goes to the emergency room with stomach pains, they tell him he has a malignant tumor in his colon, it just so happens that his insurance will pay for the $$$$$$$$ procedures to biopsy the tumor that they are SURE he has a tumor from the $$$$$ CAT scan, turns out NO tumor, nothing, a complete lie. These medical sleaze bags are next in line post AIG flogging. And oh yes, aortic valves & lipo are yum, except a little chewy, if you marinate overnight, not so much. We gotta get food somewhere right? Rachel Ray had a show on it.

  27. Doglessliberal

    [re=268015]Nerdalicious[/re]: I imagine that aortic valves, like snails, are just fine with enough garlic and butter.

  28. lumpenprole

    He was probably trying to run out of the store with the entire display of AOL floppies instead of just taking one.

  29. Hooray For Anything

    [re=267986]masterdebater[/re]: Shoplifting is really just a form of “enhanced buying”

  30. Serolf Divad

    [re=268044]lumpenprole[/re]:

    Dude, this was 1996. If you didn’t want every square inch of your home inundated by AOL floppies you had to pretty much stand on your front porch with a shotgun and a sign reading “Thanks Mr. AOL guy but we’ve got enough of your floppies already. Move on and you won’t get shot.”

  31. lumpenprole

    [re=268067]Serolf Divad[/re]:
    Well maybe he needed a lot of storage… for, um, stuff.

  32. Min

    I would have thought his records would have been expunged after he successfully completed his probation. That’s why someone is able to claim he’s never been convicted or pled guilty to a crime…there’s no record to say differently.

  33. Doglessliberal

    [re=268173]Min[/re]: you have to petition the Court for expungement. It is not automatic.

  34. hobospacejungle

    [re=268120]Doglessliberal[/re]: it looks like a clam…

    A beaver clam or a clam clam?

  35. Jukesgrrl

    [re=267986]masterdebater[/re]: Yes, but remember that even Republicans hate small-time thieves. The only person to ever be fired from the Bush Administration was the guy who took stuff from Target to the return desk for the cash. The guy who took the billions in cash from Baghdad got away with it and is now on CNN talking to John King.

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