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FUN WITH A/V

  • THIS IS A FUNNY THING ABOUT BILL O’REILLY: This is great, with clips of Bill O’Reilly reading teenage sex scenes from the audiobook of his infamous 1998 novel, Those Who Trespass. In 2006 the New Yorker wrote about this book, which includes a TERRIFYING murder scene: “The assailant’s right hand, now holding the oval base of the spoon, rocketed upward, jamming the stainless stem through the roof of Ron Costello’s mouth. The soft tissue gave way quickly and the steel penetrated the correspondent’s brain stem. Ron Costello was clinically dead in four seconds.” Yup. [Village Voice]


4:14 PM on Tue March 17 2009
By Jim Newell
1249 Views

  1. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! says at 4:17 pm, March 17th, 2009

    It would be rather awkward to kill the guy in a clinic and have him certified in four seconds, what with the witnesses.

  2. ManchuCandidate says at 4:19 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Okay, that’s bullshit.

    A spork can kill a man, but not a spoon!

  3. I remember being vaguely disturbed after reading “The Gun Seller” by Hugh Laurie (aka Dr. House). I already sort of had an idea that the man was not all there, but it was odd to see someone who made a career out of playing docile, submissive twits write such gleeful violence.

    This has little to do with O’Reilly, who never breaks character.

  4. shortsshortsshorts says at 4:19 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Oh, internet—how I love you.

  5. comradepaulson says at 4:20 pm, March 17th, 2009

    I’ve just found out more about Bill O’Reilly than I ever wanted to know.

  6. Jukesgrrl says at 4:21 pm, March 17th, 2009

    So he DOES know what people are imagining when they watch him while eating their dinner.

  7. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! says at 4:22 pm, March 17th, 2009

    What say you, Bob Beckel?

  8. NoWireHangers says at 4:22 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Who knew Bill O’Reilly collection of erotic sociopathic sadist literature from his loofah masturbatorium was available to the masses since 1998?

  9. irisheyesagain says at 4:23 pm, March 17th, 2009

    That has put me off sex for God knows how long. Thanks Wonkette!

  10. CrunchyKnee says at 4:24 pm, March 17th, 2009

    They’ll have to pry my spoon from my cold dead hands!!!!!!!111111!!!

  11. NoWireHangers says at 4:25 pm, March 17th, 2009

    But honestly–and I know those of us here already knew this–these wingnuts really are psychotic. I mean, there are some serious mental issues here. Per Village Voice:

    Those Who Trespass, his 1998 novel about an O’Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O’Reilly character’s career. It’s personal on the political level, too — his victims includes a powerful “bitch” named Hillary and a fat “slob” named Martin Moore.

    I mean, seriously get your fucking ass to a shrink, Bill. Some people in this country admire this asshole. It’s frightening. Seriously frightening.

  12. Fox n Fiends says at 4:27 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Bill You Whore!

  13. NoWireHangers: Please. It’s nothing a little Haldol with a lithium chaser can’t handle.

  14. bitchincamaro says at 4:31 pm, March 17th, 2009

    The Crap Archivist most certainly has attended the Jim Newell School of Snarkalism; perhaps even graduated. Bravo, Mr. Alan Scherstuhl.

  15. WadISay says at 4:31 pm, March 17th, 2009

    When BillO and Mary Cheney get together, it must be a regular Algonquin Roundtable.

  16. One Yield Regular says at 4:32 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Did that spoon look anything like this coat hook? Because if not, O’Reilly should totally use this as the murder weapon in his next “novel”:

    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31Wl5UfHcZL._SL500_AA280_.jpg

  17. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:34 pm, March 17th, 2009

    …yep, still a jizz-rag!

  18. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 4:39 pm, March 17th, 2009

    And if O’Reilly is this twisted, just imagine how bat-shit crazy Glen Beck must be.

  19. MathewBrooks says at 4:43 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Ugh, the filth is overwhelming…

  20. you cannot be serious says at 4:44 pm, March 17th, 2009

    What about the loofah/shower scene? Does someone get sporked in that part of the story?

  21. springfield_meltdown says at 4:46 pm, March 17th, 2009

    I actually read Bill O’s novel when I was young. I rarely have the opportunity to brag about this feat ( and to do so anonymously) so I’m taking it now. You all might like it -it has a buttsecks scene that traumatized my virgin mind.

  22. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 4:46 pm, March 17th, 2009

    You have to love how he reads the clips in the same staccato delivery he uses to yell “Shut Up” at victims of terrorist attacks. It is absolutely hilarious.

    That being said, I do not think I will ever be able to have sex again. If only Sarah Palin had made Bristol listen to Those Who Trespass a couple of years ago.

  23. Gallowglass says at 4:46 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Now I understand Bill’s shock at seeing black people eating with silverware, just like real people. He was suddenly in fear for his life.

  24. comradepaulson says at 4:48 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Lionel Hutz Esq.: The cheese has slipped of the cracker for both of ‘em. In Beck’s case, however, I believe the cheese didn’t have far to go.

    I’m telling you, we need to get a squad together to rescue Shep Smith. I worry for that man, over there at that looney bin.

  25. Woodwards Friend says at 4:49 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Didn’t Bill mess his pants over the dirty parts of Jim Webb’s books?

  26. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! says at 4:50 pm, March 17th, 2009

    springfield_meltdown: Was there a reacharound with someone who kinda reminded you of Sean Hannity?

  27. prizepig says at 4:50 pm, March 17th, 2009

    “There’s a big difference between clinically dead and actually dead.” — Bill Frist.

  28. Lascauxcaveman says at 4:52 pm, March 17th, 2009

    NoWireHangers:

    Dear Ms. Hangers,

    Thank you for your concern. As Mr. O’Reilly’s analyst, I had concerns very similar to yours shortly after beginning psychoanalysis sessions with Mr. O’Reilly, early in 1997.

    As is often the case with patients who have fantasies about violent actions against people both public and private, I prescribed a common therapy in which the patient writes out all said fantasies, encouraging them to go into as much lurid detail, providing back stories, justifications and (if they choose to) the ramifications that play themselves out in the aftermath of the violent episode put to paper.

    Mr. O’Reilly has successfully completed this stage of the therapy, and happily, much progress has been made in re-integrating him back into productive society, with the help of the written-down-fantasy therapy.

    I just didn’t expect the dipwad to publish it, that’s all.

    Respectfully,

    Dr. Thaddeus Shranke
    Bill O’Reilly’s Therapist

  29. irisheyesagain says at 4:54 pm, March 17th, 2009

  30. Shit, just wait until you read Dick Cheney’s novella: It’s a Fucking Hot Iron Poker Jammed Up Your Muslim Rectum Christmas

  31. loquaciousmusic says at 5:00 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Lascauxcaveman: Do you share an office with Dr. Tobias Fünke, Analrapist?

  32. moldenke says at 5:05 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Garth Marenghi would be proud.

  33. DoctorCulturae says at 5:08 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Thanks Jim. The only thing worse than hearing this is imagining the kind of mind that reveres him.

    Serious ewww.

    loquaciousmusic: Perhaps our recent Paultard visitor could join them as well?

  34. psilage says at 5:12 pm, March 17th, 2009

    I the reason Seder/Garofalo’s show was canceled is that they played clips from this every day.

  35. PsycGirl says at 5:12 pm, March 17th, 2009

    I believe “clinically dead” has an official definition which means it’s a government-approved definition which means that it is liberal. Bill should be ashamed of himself for using liberal terms like that.

  36. ronaldpagan says at 5:18 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Audiobook? You’re sure he didn’t just leave these clips on some intern’s answering machine?

  37. prophet1195 says at 5:29 pm, March 17th, 2009

    The Marquis de Bill O’Reilly.

    Next book out; “Smooching” co-written by George Bush and King Saud.

  38. problemwithcaring says at 5:31 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Eerie. I keep waiting for him to stumble over the words and let loose “FUCK IT! We’LL DO IT LIVE!!”

  39. Judas Peckerwood says at 5:38 pm, March 17th, 2009

    The spirit of Hemingway lives. But not the talent, unfortunately.

  40. Uncle Glenny says at 6:03 pm, March 17th, 2009

    He writes this (did he type one-handed?) but he probably considers gay buttsecks icky.

  41. frumious_bandersnatch says at 6:25 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Crab1: Hobo beans. Right out the nose. Thank you.

  42. PsycGirl says at 6:33 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Wow, the dialogue sounds so familiar!

  43. expatinOz says at 8:30 pm, March 17th, 2009

    AxmxZ: I love that book.

  44. Tommmcatt says at 8:59 pm, March 17th, 2009

    PsycGirl:

    Plaintiff Andrea Mackers was disturbed and frightened.

  45. gliberal says at 10:38 pm, March 17th, 2009

    Soon to be a major motion picture! Not!

  46. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 1:56 am, March 18th, 2009

    ronaldpagan: So, you are interning for Fox News Pagan?

  47. ManchuCandidate: Remember the Tick! SPOOOON!

  48. I’ll bet BillO is happy the whole screaming on TV gig worked out…or maybe not.

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