Wonkette
Only six months ago, Levi Johnston was just another dumb kid in the Alaskan outback of tattoo parlors and Taco Bells, banging a cute high school girl whose mom was something or other down in Juneau — president, maybe? And then it turned out the high school girl was, in fact, knocked up, from the abstinence. And her mom was running for vice president, although it was pretty clear that she was angling for the top job, which she could maybe get after her try-anything enabler died of Extreme Old Age and Crankiness, on Inauguration Day, assuming those clowns could actually get elected, which they didn’t, thank christ. Anyway, ABC News went and chased down poor dumb Levi Johnston again, now that Bristol Palin has officially done what everyone in America expected her to do: dump his lame ass, and “sanctity of marriage” be damned along with anything else inconvenient for the Palin Regime.
Some people, like your editor’s co-editor S.K. Smith, feel “bad” about always hating on these waterhead kids, but that is silly. These Wasilla snowbillies are terrible. If you shot all the nation’s Levi Johnstons into space and dumped them somewhere beyond the asteroid belt, America might have a chance to recover from its four-decade plunge into idiocy.
Anyway, there’s video of this embarrassing encounter here, at the ABC News website. Basically, Levi has another shoddy version of the latest batch of televised lies from Bristol and whatever his sister “Mercedes” said to the supermarket tabloid. And maybe he and Bristol will get married later, once he is “mature.” He might have his own little pill-dealing business someday!
Oh yeah and this:
“[There are] a lot of changes when you’re a father, when you hold him for the first time, you know. I don’t do a lot of things I used to anymore, I’ll tell you that.”
One of those lost pleasures is “banging Sarah Palin’s daughter.” Tragic.
Okay, we no longer care about this, so let’s just paste in a screenshot of the teevee reporter’s “twitter,” just to cheapen all this a little bit more:
I guess that begs the question of whether a libtard teevee reporter would even know what Russia looked like if he COULD see if from Levi’s house. Or maybe he knows far too well what it looks like since he goes there all the time for the communism.
Ha ha! Sara K. Smith doesn’t have emotions. Only ugly people do.
Keep it up and Sarah PAC will cancel that ad.
If only they’d stuck with anal, like K. Lo recommends.
At least Levi did not need a teleprompter.
Couldn’t see Russia from Levi’s house? Rreeeeowwwww.
Where does Bristol have Levi’s name tattooed?
we’re all just that much stoopider for even bothering to click the stoopid clickys about this stoopid story and these stoopid ppl (incl abc “news”). get jon stewart on the line. that said, how much longer do we have to wait to see bristol topless?
So, what? He’s not sufficiently committed to the whole “being a daddy” thing to drop $30.00 on his own car seat?
shanemacgowan: Word.
I just noticed that the fuckin’ tag links only two people - Levi and Elizabeth Edwards. What do you know, Wonkette???? Don’t hold back (unless you’re fuckin’ Sarah Palin’s daughter - retroactively, maybe that would bear some consideration).
They say that Mercede Ben is the Cadillac of fine cars.
QUICK, it’s not too late to abort! …MURDERRRRRRR… all, of, them?
All you ladies kin ride the stick in my Mercedes….
sleepy: 3 days. 4:17 PM EST.
The only conversation overheard on the plane was OMG OMG from the bathroom. Later, when claiming Mile High membership, she was informed that doesn’t count unless plane has already left the runway.
“Couldn’t see Russia…” Does this mean Bristol was wearing pants?
I still can’t get over this whole “Tripp” thing. They named the goddamn baby Tripp. Tripp! With TWO fucking “T”s. Why not just name it Dorito and be done with it?
Why do I expect more from people? I mean, I read Wonkette. I should be numb to such idiocy by now.
“I don’t know, but I’ve been told…”
Fortunately the United States Army has a proven way of ‘maturing’ people and is currently seeking cannon fodder. Rednecks with no high school diploma welcomed.
NoWireHangers: erm…P’s…
How can you cheapen something that’s already at $0?
what’s Tripp’s last name? Can we see the damn birth certificate, please.
So Levi brings the baby home to mom’s meth lab? Family values? Huh?
@ Mild Midwesterner: just above the babymaker, though my younger brother is tried to convince her to change it to “Levitate” after a bouncy-bouncy session in the back of a Vancouver bar during a “Single Moms on the Town” weekend last month.
Taco Bell and high school nookie … it’s only downhill from here, kid.
I’m just glad Canada is there to buffer the real America from these meth-addict slobs.
HE KEEPS IT’S ULTRASOUND PICTURES IN HIS TRUCK?!?!? Why don’t the pro-coathanger crowd just admit that they love fetuses for the hours of self-pleasure they provide?
V572625694: I assume you meant the Cadilla?
Is this a picture of that finger-banging I’ve been hearing so much about?
mylesfromnowhere: And there is a second person involved.
Ok, Snowbilly, abstinence be thy downfall. Please do not further populate, either cut off the wienie or wear a damn rubber ferchissakes.
And maybe he and Bristol will get married later, once he is “mature.”
LOLZ!
fyi–couldn’t see Russia from Levi’s house. Ace producer @AlyssaBL was there and can verify
ROFLCOPTER! LOLLERSKATES! OMFG!
Capitol Hillbilly: W.T.F.? Next I will see ads from ARALifestyles, ripoff mortgage come-ons, and “Hugh Downs” endorsements. What kind of scam are y’all running here?
“Oh! It’s a profit deal!” — Steve Martin, in The Jerk
This means Bristol is available? Is she 18? Whats the age of consent up there where the aurorae play and Putin looms?
Serolf Divad: Not to seem defensive of the baby daddy, but you haven’t been in the market for a carseat recently, have you?
One of those lost pleasures is “banging Sarah Palin’s daughter.” Tragic.
Christ, he’s also having sex with her sister Tragic Palin?
/no, money down!
How do people name their kids in Alaska? Everyone up there is named after something the parent saw outside the hospital. How about “Cadaver” or “Colostomy Bag.”
TRUE FACT - Alaskan taxpayers have already footed the bill for the kid’s very own tanning bed. Scandal!
wake me up when Bristol appears in Playboy
The last time teen romance was so riveting, a thirtysomething Luke Perry was involved. And by “riveting,” I mean “get the fuck off my Interweb.”
Bleh. I don’t care how stupid they are, I feel bad for them. Teenagers are stupid, remember? Stop and think a moment about all the INCREDIBLY stupid things you did when you were teenagers.
Yes, I also am surprised any of you survived.
I want every person who has ever told a funny to the detriment of Tennessee, to cease, desist, and apologize vociferously for their slanderous remarks. I don’t care if it was 40 years ago, or last week. We now have “missing link” style evidence that Alaskans trump the fuck out of southern redneckery.
Must not see little Tripp very often if he borrows the car seat from Bristol. No leftover money from the pill bidness?
V572625694: Haha! Couldn’t they afford the extry letter?
Chickensmack: Never! I’ll bet our crackers can out-cracker thier crackers any day!
Like SKS, I too feel sorry for these poor, confused kids, caught up in this crazy thang. I think they should each start hate- and revenge-fucking others. As part of the grieving and healing process. SKS, let’s meet for tears and hugs.
Capitol Hillbilly: In that case, keep it up. I’m tired of looking at Lady Promhair of Wasilla.
Garry Larson once had a cartoon about the Bozone Layer that protected the universe from earth. Shooting all the Levi Johnsons into space would be a good start.
What ever happened to the First Dude, did he get shipped off to the Wild Life reserve to prospect for oil?
americanscandoanything: wake me up when Bristol appears in Jugs.
There. Fixed.
shortsshortsshorts: Seriously, I was born in alaska and I was named after some kid on a tv show that was on while my dad was in the waiting room. You have no idea how right you are.
mylesfromnowhere: A kid conceived at a beer party doesn’t have a paternal last name, just lotsa ‘uncles’.
“I’m gonna marry that gal one day,” Johnston was heard to say as he left the building.
Later, he was seen slashing her tires to prove his undying love.
NoWireHangers: Because the baby was named after their hero, Linda Tripp.
momus: He’s still crying over the carhart jacket from neimann marcus that the mean old republicans made him give back.
shortsshortsshorts: Why you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?
The ONLY image he has of his kid is the ultrasound? They don’t even have $5 disposable cameras in Wasilla?
bago: Alf?
bago: Nice to have you with us, Gilligan!
I used to worry that Queen Snowbilly really might win a national election because right-wing nutjobs buy into her type of shit whole-hog, see, e.g. reagan, bush II, & (to some extent) romney. all dumb-shit empty vessels who are attractive to very specific targeted demographics–and all of whom were/might be able to pick off enough independents to win. (for this reason, i lost a bet to a buddy that “Fred” would be the ‘08 repub nominee. fortunately for all of us, Fred didn’t get out of bed for the campaign.) unfortunately for Queen Mother Sarah, they brought her out too soon. she wasn’t ready for prime-time and she’ll never recover. there was a damn good reason Jr. Bush didn’t travel east of Abilene until he was damn good and ready to win over enough of Texas to be gub’ner. he needed minor league seasoning. now that the wheels have fallen off the Snowbilly’s wagon, god knows how many grandchildren she’ll have by Fall ‘11. Bristol alone has an over/under of 2.5 kids by 1.5 different fathers.
These two wouldn’t have to work out
their little drama in front of the
world if that senile old fart had
left that moose murdering MILF in
the backwoods where she belongs.
Betty Ford was the last honest Republican
when it comes to sex. She honestly answered
a smartass that her daughter was a young,
healthy woman who was as capable of pre-marital
sex as all the other healty young women
in America who were screwing like rabbits.
If these dipsticks had HALF the honesty and
likeability of Betty, their crappy party wouldn’t
be in the shitcan.
bago: Punky?
he keeps the ultrasound pics so her can remind his hockey buddies that, “This moment was when I knew the coolest part of my life was over.”
The newest Palin’s middle name is “Easton” and based on snowrat naming practices, I would bet 700 million whore diamonds that it’s named after Levi’s favorite hockey equipment manufacturer. Now, that, my friends, is fascism we can believe in.
One Yield Regular: Thought of it too late, but you’re right.
For now Johnston said he’s concentrated on getting his life together and getting a job.
At least he was smart enough to drop out of school and focus on what’s important.
Oh, Ken. You couldn’t even quite bring yourself to Johnston-family-naming-conventions levels of trashiness, could you? Levi Johnston’s sister’s name is Mercede, no ’s’. Apparently naming your child after an aspirational automobile wasn’t tragic enough; they also had to misspell it.
mylesfromnowhere: what’s Tripp’s last name? Can we see the damn birth certificate, please.
Sotero. He’s a British subject, actually.
Waterhead kids! Priceless!
AnnieGetYourFun: Hell, Palin probably bought hers with state per diem money. Might as well get some miles out of it.
V572625694: Or like the Silhouett is the Cadilla of Miniva.
Wait a minute- I can’t be the first to notice that there’s a fucking SarahPAC ad on my Wonkette! For serious. Come on guys, how did you pull that off? Don’t get me wrong, you take that money and run, but is whatever company doing her advertising so clueless that they thought it was a “good fit” for this sites’ demo?
Teh internets don’t know everything, apparently.
Love the SarahPAC ad, it really lent flavor to the read. Also.
Clearly the SarahPAC ad is targeted to posts that mock her family the most effectively.
bago: Welcome to Wonkette, Beaver!
Walter Sobchak: There is no such thing as bad publicity, as long as they spell your name right.
Mercede! Also, Sara is the good one, Sarah is the snowbilly.
bago: What’s up, creepylittlerobotgirlfromSmallWonder?
The year was 1979, and I was a frickin newborn. I have no idea what the show was, but I got stuck with the jolly old moniker of Randy. My dad has no idea what show it was, either. Literally the phrase was “just some show”.
Serolf Divad: Dude, have you ever tried to bang the girl who runs the fry-o-lator in the back seat with a kid’s seat there? Not only does it totally ruin the mood, but if you wake up the kid, they tend to cry and stuff.
Capitol Hillbilly: “Keep it up and Sarah PAC will cancel that ad.”
Oh god yes, best use of moron money since PyjamaTV. I hope she spends millions trying to convert the lib’ruls.
And by “mature” he means bangs some more chicks. Or at least one three way.
You know, this could be a great FOX reality series. We follow Levi from town to town in Alaska, as he knocks up teenagers, promising to come back to the one he really loves when he “matures.” The best part of it is that it has no ending, and just goes on until he finally drinks himself to death
Come here a minute: Apparently mom thought Merecedes was a possesive noun.
pat robertsons personal trainer: I can’t wait for the Palin-loving PUMAs to screw up the next GOP primary between “Our Gal” Sarah and Jindal or whomever.
problemwithcaring: But he’s not doing either.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: It helps to remove the fry-o-lator from the back seat.
Serolf Divad:
Well, since the cops picked up Levi’s mother for selling drugs, the family just hasn’t had that much cash coming in so how could the poor guy be expected to buy a car seat? Maybe he’ll luck out and someone will be selling hot ones outside the bar room one night.
Custerwolf: Maybe she thought it was plural, and if she had another daughter, she would be Mercedes.
I hope they have another spawn and call it Spatula.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: She had twins, and one died, hence the Mercede.
A Diamond Is Forever; Bristol And Levi Not So Much…
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2009/03/diamond-is-forever-bristol-palin-and.html
I want to hear Bristol’s side - with mom locked out of the room. She could write a tell-all to best “Mommy Dearest”.
Actually, the next kid in line was supposed to be Levi’s other pant leg.
horned_viper: Bring on the wire hangers…..
Anonymous Office Zombie: Maybe he’s already married?
Zhu Bajie
WadISay: I predict that in 15-20 years, Tripp, too, will be a father!
Zhu Bajie
Levi Johnston –with a name like that you just knew trouble was waiting that boy. Should have given him a hockey name and hoped for a youth on the ice. Instead he’s out there sowing his oats (if in fact, oats actually grow in Snowbilly Hills) with the new face of the Republican party (once the Rush thing blows over of course).
Bobby
idlewordship.com
bago:
I was bracing myself for Buck Owens or Roy Clark.
Either I saw the opening credits of Idiocracy, and the running back reminded me of Levi Johnston, or I’d already seem Idiocracy and Levi reminded me of the running back when I first became aware of him. Either way, they are clearly the same person.