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SUPERHEROES

Rahm Emanuel Saves Another Life

Get this guy a cape.Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district!

Pete Olson is the Sugar Land/Houston TX-22 representative who defeated Democrat Nick Lampson in November, after Lampson beat the terrifying GOP nutcase Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs in the 2006 midterms, although Dracula Cunt did win a special election to hilariously finish off the few remaining days of DeLay’s term after DeLay was indicted for being one of the most obvious criminals on Earth. (DeLay held the seat for 22 years, during which he ran the House as an actual mafia operation. And who had the seat before Tom DeLay? Doctor Ron Paul!)

Anyway, back to our story of bipartisan heroics:

Olson was working out in the U.S. House Members gym on Capitol Hill at about 6:20 a.m. when he collapsed. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who also was working out there, was one of the first to reach Olson after he went down, Olson’s spokesman, Luke Marchant, said.

Pete Olson had emergency surgery, and now he’s got a pacemaker, and you can bet Rahm Emanuel has exclusive ownership of that pacemaker’s replacement battery.

Just three weeks ago, Emanuel was at the movies when some random guy (probably a powerful Republican) had a seizure. Rahm took care of the dude until the ambulance arrived, from St. Rahm Hospital.

Congressman Olson has emergency heart surgery [Galveston News]


2:09 PM on Fri March 13 2009
By Ken Layne
13382 Views

  1. masterdebater says at 2:13 pm, March 13th, 2009

    ” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who also was working out there, was one of the first to reach Olson after he went down…”

    Best. Line. Ever.

  2. Texan Bulldoggette says at 2:15 pm, March 13th, 2009

    If it had been Delay, I would have paid Rahm to keep his ass on the treadmill.

  3. norbizness says at 2:15 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Does this story have anything to do with HBO Programming related to a one-note, washed-up SNL actor, and if not why in the fuck should I read it?

  4. blinky_twinkie says at 2:15 pm, March 13th, 2009

    I KNEW he was Nathan Petrelli!! I KNEW it!

  5. There’s no mention of him shouting dirty swear words. Clearly made up.

  6. V572625694 says at 2:16 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Rahm’s got a little transmitter on his keychain that’ll zap Olson whenever he’s about to vote “the wrong way.” Ha ha.

  7. sati demise says at 2:17 pm, March 13th, 2009

    R.E.= the aura that kills or

    correlation=causation? or
    Obamas secret weapon?

  8. hockeymom says at 2:18 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Rahm Emanuel or TOM CRUISE?
    Have we ever really seen the two of them together in the same room?

  9. Gallowglass says at 2:18 pm, March 13th, 2009

    “‘Give my creation…LIFE!’ Rahm screamed as he thrust a new mechanical baboon heart directly into the elderly Republican’s chest.”

    My novel is gonna be awesome.

  10. bumfug says at 2:18 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Good job, Rahm, but if you ever get a chance to save Ari (Who did that painting for Doeian Gray - I need him bad) Fleischer, please just pass it up.

  11. You know, this is getting eerily reminiscent of Tom Cruise. Did they put out a press release?

  12. Scarab says at 2:20 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Next time Rahm, mind your own business.

  13. hockeymom: Damn, off by a minute.

  14. NoWireHangers says at 2:22 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Rahmboner’s got the magic stick. Just one touch and you’re feelin’ gooooooooooood.

  15. NoWireHangers says at 2:23 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Also, Ken, can you please please please allow comments on the “advertising” posts? I think this would be a very good idea. Pretty please? We’ll play nice with HBO*. We promise!

  16. shanemacgowan says at 2:23 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: The evil undead have no use for a gym.

  17. shortsshortsshorts says at 2:24 pm, March 13th, 2009

    masterdebater: Hahaha Gold Star for you.

  18. Violenza says at 2:24 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Hot. If I were anywhere near Rahm, Olson wouldn’t be the only one “going down”, heh heh.

  19. Obstructionist Republicans will be in some serious shit if Rahm ever gets half his face burned off.

  20. SayItWithWookies says at 2:25 pm, March 13th, 2009

    So why hasn’t he saved the goddamn economy?

  21. bumfug: Bah. Every single press secretary since Ari has been a letdown. He was a master of his craft, confrontational while still indifferent to his deceits. Obama could learn something from him.

    And as for for Rahm, well. He and Biden are so far the only two people in this administration who deserve a second glance. They’re //awesome//. I have to respect people with absolutely no filter between thought and verbal manifestation. And actually, it’s kind of refreshing to have one prefer fucking the shit out of that fucking thing and one just saying retardedly quotable things.

  22. AnnieGetYourFun says at 2:27 pm, March 13th, 2009

    blinky_twinkie: The resemblance IS uncanny.

  23. getoffmylawn says at 2:28 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Does anyone know if Rhambo sent out a tweet about what he did?

  24. jagorev says at 2:28 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Wait, they went Ron Paul > Delay > Dracula Cunt?

    Sugar Land needs to be destroyed.

  25. Vartan84 says at 2:29 pm, March 13th, 2009

    All these Congresspeoples or moviegoers are just taking dives to make Rahm look good. A huge left-wing conspiracy!!

  26. biotic says at 2:34 pm, March 13th, 2009

    I’m saving my snark for twitter.

  27. Dr Tobias Funke says at 2:34 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Meghan Mccain should see the inside of a gym sometime-

    “right-wing radio talker Laura Ingraham attacked Sen. John McCain’s (R-AZ) daughter, Meghan, by mocking her as “plus-sized.” McCain responded yesterday on Twitter, telling Ingraham to “stop talking about my body“:
    http://thinkprogress.org/2009/03/13/mccain-respond-ingraham/

  28. Cape Clod says at 2:36 pm, March 13th, 2009

    jagorev: Seriously, with a representative string like that how soon is going to be before they’re sending Ming the Merciless to Congress?

  29. Ken Layne says at 2:36 pm, March 13th, 2009

    NoWireHangers: It’s an “ad unit” that only looks like a post, sorry!

  30. DustBowlBlues says at 2:37 pm, March 13th, 2009

    sati demise: By tomorrow the wingers will have a conspiracy theory going about how Obama is secretly giving people heart attacks so Rahm can rescue them. You can take to the bank–unless if fails first.

  31. Serolf Divad says at 2:38 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Rahm’s the guy who decides whether you live or die. Keep that in mind next time one of Obama’s legislative priorities is up for a vote.

  32. Swampwitch says at 2:40 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Now I’m all excited for my dumb science conference in DC in April. I was going to spend my time trying to find a job. Instead I’ll be trying to arrange the perfect medical catastrophe to expose just the right amount of boob in front of Rahm.

  33. You go, Twinkle Toes!

  34. bmannes says at 2:46 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Pete Olsen? ALIVE! That guy sitting next to me at The Wrestler? ALIVE!

  35. A Fine National Imbalance says at 2:46 pm, March 13th, 2009
  36. SayItWithWookies says at 2:48 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Olson woke up today with a tattoo that said “Andy Card ever do anything like that for you, bitch?”

  37. S.Luggo says at 3:00 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Insertion of Manny’s magic demi-digit into the fallen representive’s anal orifice is what brought Olson back from the brink. The dactyl inclusion happened, however, because Rahm confused Olson’s a-hole with a vagina.

  38. One Yield Regular says at 3:03 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Moral of this story: statistically speaking, it’s far better for your health to be nowhere NEAR Rahm Emanuel.

  39. frumious_bandersnatch says at 3:12 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Frankly, I’m kinda shocked that Andrew Lloyd Webber hasn’t written a crappy musical about that guy already. You’d think he’d be excited by the challenge of writing the first musical made out of 50% swearwords.

  40. SpirolinaAgnew says at 3:16 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Swampwitch: I predict an epidemic of swooning right in front of wherever Rahm happens to be for the remainder of this administration. He’ll have to carry smelling salts on him everywhere he goes.

  41. Red Zeppelin says at 3:19 pm, March 13th, 2009

    DustBowlBlues: Actually, knowing Rahm, that was my first thought too. I think it might be the deathray he has been working on since the Clinton White House days. Then he jumps in to “save” the victim, at the same time inserting an implant that replaces their brain with with a high speed RAM (get it?) programmed with various scripts that are actualized by hearing Rahm say various words (motherfucker, cunt, etc.)

    Yes, I imagine some version of this will be on NRO or Red State within a few hours.

  42. WickedWitch says at 3:20 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Dr Tobias Funke: Thanks for posting! Ingraham ought STFU if she doesn’t want her CANCER to come back and make her say uncle!

  43. Swampwitch says at 3:23 pm, March 13th, 2009

    SpirolinaAgnew: I’ll have to practice then, to make sure that my vapors are the most desirable.

  44. assistant/atlas says at 3:26 pm, March 13th, 2009

    frumious_bandersnatch: Andrew Lloyd Webber is dead*. That said, I’d pay at several hundred dollars for a front-row seat to Stephen Sondheim’s “Rahm!”.

    *to me

  45. frumious_bandersnatch says at 3:34 pm, March 13th, 2009

    assistant/atlas: Oh, eight shades of Hell Fucking Yes. With a big side dish of creepy and forceful vibrato.

  46. Zipperupus says at 3:44 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Rahm Emanuel is the kindest, decent, most honorable man that I have ever known.

  47. BigDupa says at 3:47 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Any chance Wonkette could post Rahm’s schedule? Near death seems to follow him. Perhaps it’s the dark side of the Force leftover from Cheney.

  48. exdixie says at 3:55 pm, March 13th, 2009

    assistant/atlas: I’d pay to see “Rahmtown.”

  49. Holding Out for a Hero says at 4:13 pm, March 13th, 2009

    So being near Rahm causes seizures or heart attacks or a combination of both? Obama’s assination squad is going to be so much better than Cheney’s

  50. pat robertsons personal trainer says at 4:16 pm, March 13th, 2009

    way to go Rahm. that’s great. i guess we chalk up another republican vote for the bill that’s going to wipe Riegel v. Medtronic out.

  51. DemmeFatale says at 4:22 pm, March 13th, 2009

    assistant/atlas: Cast list?

  52. pat robertsons personal trainer says at 4:39 pm, March 13th, 2009

    dr tobias funke:
    the Meghan McCain weight comments are fucking ridiculous. She’s semi-hot and not bone thin. I and about 90% of the woman-loving populace are just fine with this. Not that it has to be said, but Laura Ingraham’s a self-hating woman. These fucktards are gutting anyone to the left of Johnny Mac’s shineboy, Lindsey “it’s a boy’s name too” Graham.

  53. Perrys Mollycoddler says at 5:16 pm, March 13th, 2009

    “Olson’s heart problems are ironic in that his predecessor, Nick Lampson, D-Stafford, had to have emergency bypass surgery in March of 2007, during his first year as the district’s congressman.”

    Why the f*** is that ironic?

  54. Capricatony says at 5:27 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Rahm is the Dem version of Jack Bauer. “Give me the fucking code or I’ll save your life!”

  55. friendlyskies says at 5:35 pm, March 13th, 2009

    WTF? I thought Rahm was supposed to be like the straight Karl Rove or something. If that had been a key democrat dying in the gym, Rove would have kicked him, giggled, and run away. Not that Rove has ever been in a gym. Or run.

  56. Numbat Dundee says at 5:39 pm, March 13th, 2009

    All these prominent Republicans have seizures in his presence. Coincidence? I think not. He’s just practicing till he gets to use his secret technique on Michelle Backmann.

  57. dorothy parker blues says at 6:12 pm, March 13th, 2009

    assistant/atlas: Change we can believe in!

    Oh God, would that just KILL at the Tonys, or what? And Tim Burton can do the film adaptation, a la Sweeney Todd.

  58. SayItWithWookies says at 6:24 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Numbat Dundee: He shouldn’t waste his powers on representatives — he should save them for ScaliaThomas, Alito and Roberts.

  59. TexasCowGirl says at 7:32 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Could it be that the poor old guy has teh gay and swooned from Rahm’s hotness and Rahm being used to this reaction pitied the man and saved his life out of guilt?

  60. hobospacejungle says at 8:49 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Swampwitch: Instead I’ll be trying to arrange the perfect medical catastrophe to expose just the right amount of boob in front of Rahm.

    If I put a Rahm mask on will you show me some boob? I promise I won’t touch w/o permission. I don’t get out much.

  61. OzoneTom says at 9:13 pm, March 13th, 2009

    jagorev: Three strikes — yer OUT!

  62. jagorev: Sugarland, once the location for a notorious prison plantation (cf: Ledbelly) now is an enclave for prosperous white people who think living in Houston-Fucking-Texas exposes them to race-mixing Socialist gun-grabbers. It does, in fact, need to “be destroyed.” And, while you’re at it, get the congressional district next door that has been returning Ron Paul to Washington for these past decades.

  63. S.Luggo says at 11:50 pm, March 13th, 2009

    Zorg: Lead Belly was put into Texas’ Sugarland prison for carrying a gun, which we now know from Antonin Scalia is a Second Amendment right. Today he would be in Sugarland for trying to vote as a Demrat without photo ID. Times change.

  64. Swampwitch says at 12:07 pm, March 14th, 2009

    hobospacejungle: Are you sarcastic? I guess so, since you’re here. And tall? If so, you’ve got a good shot.

    I don’t get out much either. Obviously.

  65. Swampwitch says at 12:08 pm, March 14th, 2009

    hobospacejungle: I don’t have a lot of shame, I seem to have been born without that gene.

  66. Cold War Unicorns says at 1:19 pm, March 14th, 2009

    Hey Swampwitch andhobospacejungle: Sheesh, get a Rahm!

  67. smellyal8r says at 3:35 pm, March 14th, 2009

    As a voter who lives adjacent to Sugarland, I wish Rahm would have tried to revive him with one hand while placing the other over his nose and mouth (ala Tony Soprano). Then Lampson could have run and won again and things would be right with the world.

    I’m hoping my fat Congressman, John Culberson, will be the next “non-saving” by Rahm though I don’t think Fat John, based on his girth, knows the way to the House Gym or any other doughnut free workout facility.

    Rahm! Quit saving Republican Congressmen. Leave that to Boehner.

  68. whiskey tango foxtrot says at 10:38 pm, March 14th, 2009

    Rahm’s got munchausen by proxy syndrome. You heard it here first.

  69. hobospacejungle says at 2:38 am, March 15th, 2009

    Swampwitch: Apologies for the late reply.

    I can be sarcastic, but I wasn’t being sarcastic. I am 6′3″ tall. I’m not much for shame, either. Perhaps someday we will meet, though the likelihood of that happening is lessened by our hermit-like natures. Unless you live in Austin, TX, south of the river. Though my wife might have a problem with that!

    Flirting is so much fun on the internets. Cold War Unicorns is right, we probably should get a Rahm.

  70. KTHXBAI says at 6:16 pm, March 15th, 2009

    After taking out Sugarland can we take out Oklahoma? Like all of its districts?

  71. Barrelhse says at 10:31 pm, March 15th, 2009

    Is Rahm, like, contagious or something?

  72. dijetlo says at 10:22 am, March 16th, 2009

    KTHXBAI: Been done already

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