Wonkette
Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district!
Pete Olson is the Sugar Land/Houston TX-22 representative who defeated Democrat Nick Lampson in November, after Lampson beat the terrifying GOP nutcase Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs in the 2006 midterms, although Dracula Cunt did win a special election to hilariously finish off the few remaining days of DeLay’s term after DeLay was indicted for being one of the most obvious criminals on Earth. (DeLay held the seat for 22 years, during which he ran the House as an actual mafia operation. And who had the seat before Tom DeLay? Doctor Ron Paul!)
Anyway, back to our story of bipartisan heroics:
Olson was working out in the U.S. House Members gym on Capitol Hill at about 6:20 a.m. when he collapsed. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who also was working out there, was one of the first to reach Olson after he went down, Olson’s spokesman, Luke Marchant, said.
Pete Olson had emergency surgery, and now he’s got a pacemaker, and you can bet Rahm Emanuel has exclusive ownership of that pacemaker’s replacement battery.
Just three weeks ago, Emanuel was at the movies when some random guy (probably a powerful Republican) had a seizure. Rahm took care of the dude until the ambulance arrived, from St. Rahm Hospital.
Congressman Olson has emergency heart surgery [Galveston News]
” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who also was working out there, was one of the first to reach Olson after he went down…”
Best. Line. Ever.
If it had been Delay, I would have paid Rahm to keep his ass on the treadmill.
Does this story have anything to do with HBO Programming related to a one-note, washed-up SNL actor, and if not why in the fuck should I read it?
I KNEW he was Nathan Petrelli!! I KNEW it!
There’s no mention of him shouting dirty swear words. Clearly made up.
Rahm’s got a little transmitter on his keychain that’ll zap Olson whenever he’s about to vote “the wrong way.” Ha ha.
R.E.= the aura that kills or
correlation=causation? or
Obamas secret weapon?
Rahm Emanuel or TOM CRUISE?
Have we ever really seen the two of them together in the same room?
“‘Give my creation…LIFE!’ Rahm screamed as he thrust a new mechanical baboon heart directly into the elderly Republican’s chest.”
My novel is gonna be awesome.
Good job, Rahm, but if you ever get a chance to save Ari (Who did that painting for Doeian Gray - I need him bad) Fleischer, please just pass it up.
You know, this is getting eerily reminiscent of Tom Cruise. Did they put out a press release?
Next time Rahm, mind your own business.
hockeymom: Damn, off by a minute.
Rahmboner’s got the magic stick. Just one touch and you’re feelin’ gooooooooooood.
Also, Ken, can you please please please allow comments on the “advertising” posts? I think this would be a very good idea. Pretty please? We’ll play nice with HBO*. We promise!
Texan Bulldoggette: The evil undead have no use for a gym.
masterdebater: Hahaha Gold Star for you.
Hot. If I were anywhere near Rahm, Olson wouldn’t be the only one “going down”, heh heh.
Obstructionist Republicans will be in some serious shit if Rahm ever gets half his face burned off.
So why hasn’t he saved the goddamn economy?
bumfug: Bah. Every single press secretary since Ari has been a letdown. He was a master of his craft, confrontational while still indifferent to his deceits. Obama could learn something from him.
And as for for Rahm, well. He and Biden are so far the only two people in this administration who deserve a second glance. They’re //awesome//. I have to respect people with absolutely no filter between thought and verbal manifestation. And actually, it’s kind of refreshing to have one prefer fucking the shit out of that fucking thing and one just saying retardedly quotable things.
blinky_twinkie: The resemblance IS uncanny.
Does anyone know if Rhambo sent out a tweet about what he did?
Wait, they went Ron Paul > Delay > Dracula Cunt?
Sugar Land needs to be destroyed.
All these Congresspeoples or moviegoers are just taking dives to make Rahm look good. A huge left-wing conspiracy!!
I’m saving my snark for twitter.
Meghan Mccain should see the inside of a gym sometime-
“right-wing radio talker Laura Ingraham attacked Sen. John McCain’s (R-AZ) daughter, Meghan, by mocking her as “plus-sized.” McCain responded yesterday on Twitter, telling Ingraham to “stop talking about my body“:
http://thinkprogress.org/2009/03/13/mccain-respond-ingraham/
jagorev: Seriously, with a representative string like that how soon is going to be before they’re sending Ming the Merciless to Congress?
NoWireHangers: It’s an “ad unit” that only looks like a post, sorry!
sati demise: By tomorrow the wingers will have a conspiracy theory going about how Obama is secretly giving people heart attacks so Rahm can rescue them. You can take to the bank–unless if fails first.
Rahm’s the guy who decides whether you live or die. Keep that in mind next time one of Obama’s legislative priorities is up for a vote.
Now I’m all excited for my dumb science conference in DC in April. I was going to spend my time trying to find a job. Instead I’ll be trying to arrange the perfect medical catastrophe to expose just the right amount of boob in front of Rahm.
You go, Twinkle Toes!
Pete Olsen? ALIVE! That guy sitting next to me at The Wrestler? ALIVE!
Jimmy Olsen saves the day:
http://dccomics40.blogspot.com/2009/01/supermans-pal-jimmy-olsen-118.html
Olson woke up today with a tattoo that said “Andy Card ever do anything like that for you, bitch?”
Insertion of Manny’s magic demi-digit into the fallen representive’s anal orifice is what brought Olson back from the brink. The dactyl inclusion happened, however, because Rahm confused Olson’s a-hole with a vagina.
Moral of this story: statistically speaking, it’s far better for your health to be nowhere NEAR Rahm Emanuel.
Frankly, I’m kinda shocked that Andrew Lloyd Webber hasn’t written a crappy musical about that guy already. You’d think he’d be excited by the challenge of writing the first musical made out of 50% swearwords.
Swampwitch: I predict an epidemic of swooning right in front of wherever Rahm happens to be for the remainder of this administration. He’ll have to carry smelling salts on him everywhere he goes.
DustBowlBlues: Actually, knowing Rahm, that was my first thought too. I think it might be the deathray he has been working on since the Clinton White House days. Then he jumps in to “save” the victim, at the same time inserting an implant that replaces their brain with with a high speed RAM (get it?) programmed with various scripts that are actualized by hearing Rahm say various words (motherfucker, cunt, etc.)
Yes, I imagine some version of this will be on NRO or Red State within a few hours.
Dr Tobias Funke: Thanks for posting! Ingraham ought STFU if she doesn’t want her CANCER to come back and make her say uncle!
SpirolinaAgnew: I’ll have to practice then, to make sure that my vapors are the most desirable.
frumious_bandersnatch: Andrew Lloyd Webber is dead*. That said, I’d pay at several hundred dollars for a front-row seat to Stephen Sondheim’s “Rahm!”.
*to me
assistant/atlas: Oh, eight shades of Hell Fucking Yes. With a big side dish of creepy and forceful vibrato.
Rahm Emanuel is the kindest, decent, most honorable man that I have ever known.
Any chance Wonkette could post Rahm’s schedule? Near death seems to follow him. Perhaps it’s the dark side of the Force leftover from Cheney.
assistant/atlas: I’d pay to see “Rahmtown.”
So being near Rahm causes seizures or heart attacks or a combination of both? Obama’s assination squad is going to be so much better than Cheney’s
way to go Rahm. that’s great. i guess we chalk up another republican vote for the bill that’s going to wipe Riegel v. Medtronic out.
assistant/atlas: Cast list?
dr tobias funke:
the Meghan McCain weight comments are fucking ridiculous. She’s semi-hot and not bone thin. I and about 90% of the woman-loving populace are just fine with this. Not that it has to be said, but Laura Ingraham’s a self-hating woman. These fucktards are gutting anyone to the left of Johnny Mac’s shineboy, Lindsey “it’s a boy’s name too” Graham.
“Olson’s heart problems are ironic in that his predecessor, Nick Lampson, D-Stafford, had to have emergency bypass surgery in March of 2007, during his first year as the district’s congressman.”
Why the f*** is that ironic?
Rahm is the Dem version of Jack Bauer. “Give me the fucking code or I’ll save your life!”
WTF? I thought Rahm was supposed to be like the straight Karl Rove or something. If that had been a key democrat dying in the gym, Rove would have kicked him, giggled, and run away. Not that Rove has ever been in a gym. Or run.
All these prominent Republicans have seizures in his presence. Coincidence? I think not. He’s just practicing till he gets to use his secret technique on Michelle Backmann.
assistant/atlas: Change we can believe in!
Oh God, would that just KILL at the Tonys, or what? And Tim Burton can do the film adaptation, a la Sweeney Todd.
Numbat Dundee: He shouldn’t waste his powers on representatives — he should save them for ScaliaThomas, Alito and Roberts.
Could it be that the poor old guy has teh gay and swooned from Rahm’s hotness and Rahm being used to this reaction pitied the man and saved his life out of guilt?
Swampwitch: Instead I’ll be trying to arrange the perfect medical catastrophe to expose just the right amount of boob in front of Rahm.
If I put a Rahm mask on will you show me some boob? I promise I won’t touch w/o permission. I don’t get out much.
jagorev: Three strikes — yer OUT!
jagorev: Sugarland, once the location for a notorious prison plantation (cf: Ledbelly) now is an enclave for prosperous white people who think living in Houston-Fucking-Texas exposes them to race-mixing Socialist gun-grabbers. It does, in fact, need to “be destroyed.” And, while you’re at it, get the congressional district next door that has been returning Ron Paul to Washington for these past decades.
Zorg: Lead Belly was put into Texas’ Sugarland prison for carrying a gun, which we now know from Antonin Scalia is a Second Amendment right. Today he would be in Sugarland for trying to vote as a Demrat without photo ID. Times change.
hobospacejungle: Are you sarcastic? I guess so, since you’re here. And tall? If so, you’ve got a good shot.
I don’t get out much either. Obviously.
hobospacejungle: I don’t have a lot of shame, I seem to have been born without that gene.
Hey Swampwitch andhobospacejungle: Sheesh, get a Rahm!
As a voter who lives adjacent to Sugarland, I wish Rahm would have tried to revive him with one hand while placing the other over his nose and mouth (ala Tony Soprano). Then Lampson could have run and won again and things would be right with the world.
I’m hoping my fat Congressman, John Culberson, will be the next “non-saving” by Rahm though I don’t think Fat John, based on his girth, knows the way to the House Gym or any other doughnut free workout facility.
Rahm! Quit saving Republican Congressmen. Leave that to Boehner.
Rahm’s got munchausen by proxy syndrome. You heard it here first.
Swampwitch: Apologies for the late reply.
I can be sarcastic, but I wasn’t being sarcastic. I am 6′3″ tall. I’m not much for shame, either. Perhaps someday we will meet, though the likelihood of that happening is lessened by our hermit-like natures. Unless you live in Austin, TX, south of the river. Though my wife might have a problem with that!
Flirting is so much fun on the internets. Cold War Unicorns is right, we probably should get a Rahm.
After taking out Sugarland can we take out Oklahoma? Like all of its districts?
Is Rahm, like, contagious or something?
KTHXBAI: Been done already