Wonkette
YOU DON’T SAY: “The teen love affair that rocked last year’s presidential race is over. Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has ditched her baby daddy, Levi Johnston!” Hey Levi, call your pretend grandpa John McCain and ask why he’s against tattoo-removal programs for American losers. [The Star/Gawker]
it takes a village to raise a Palin
Ooooh, Levi can kiss those job opportunities goodbye. He’s just one more jobless, dropout redneck in Wasilla now.
Never saw THAT coming!
…ALSO!!!
Todd Palin will pick the shotgun back up in 2012 to reforce the wedding. Also. In what regadr?
But I thought he was a laid back guy who was coo unless you fucked with him because he would fuck your shit up? RUN BRISTOL. HE IS GOING TO FUCK UP YOUR SHIT.
Look out, Levi. You saw what Momma-Bear did to the guy that wronged her sister. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alaska_Public_Safety_Commissioner_dismissal
Really, all I can think is “LOLOLOLOL”.
But…but…what about the wedding? Mooseburgers said there would be a wedding.
Relief, NOW I’ve got a chance with that young buck.
I have nothing to add. This is a perfect post.
“according to the sister of the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson, the Palin’s are stuck-up snobs who call the Johnston’s “white trash.”"
Now, the Palins ARE experts on white trash. First hand experience and all.
Doncha worry Bristol; Mom will try ta find ya a new daddy and she’ll bring ‘em to ya.
Terry: fucking redneck
SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN U LIBRULS GET IN POWR ALL OUR FAMILY VALUES R DESTROIED
Well, Levi can always follow in the fine footsteps of Johnny Depp (i.e. “Winona Forever” –> “Wino Forever”) and alter his true love tattoo to something more appropriate. What works for Bristol? Hmm…
B R I S T O L –> B R
I S TOL–> B R OLevi is practicing his own brand of abstinence now.
So now I fully expect our single-mom hatin’ Coulter to now train her shrill barbs on un-wed mom Bristol, well, no I don’t. Abstinance Now!
…awwwwwww, say it aint so Joe!
Oh, he’ll knock up some other teenaged girl to ease the pain, I’m sure.
So is it a faus pas if she keeps all the stuff she got off her Wal-Mart wedding registry?
Oh, alas for young love gone wrong! Say it ain’t so, Ken. Say it ain’t so.
Great. One more single, welfare queen baby mama to suck off the teat of all the social services so amply supplied by Alaskan taxpayers. Oh, wait.
Carrie_Okie:
… and thus the birth of Tripp.
Is Sarah billing the State for the baby’s clothes, food, care? She’s supporting Bristol, who is apparently not working or in school, so I am sure she has found a way to count those costs and the new kid’s, too, as expensed items.
C’mon those two little drunken slut bunnies were not ever going to get married. I’m sure they both have new tats planned pledging their love to their next tundra trash lovers.
Joe the Plumber might need a sidekick.
NoWireHangers: or get rid of the BRI and add an I at the end: STOLI. Since he’s near Russia and all. Maybe he could get a fee for advertising.
shellyboo98: Nope. Bag it up!
It’s almost as if this was a completely naked political stunt designed to appeal to mouth breathing bible thumpers. I think I’m beginning to be disillusioned by the McCain campaign.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
NoWireHangers:
I think BRIS would be a more appropriate way to remember the Palins.
…well I hear Meghan McCain is looking for a date?!
Mercede told Star: “Bristol’s just crazy. That’s the nicest way I can put it.”
Awww. Just like her Mother.
“Yes You Can Own A Piece of History” (your long name obscures the reply button)-
Mooseburgers said there would be a wedding, *after they finished their education*. So, really, y’know, when didja t’ink that would be?
What’s Trig going to do without a father figure?
Advocatus_Diaboli: Now Bristol can marry Rush Limbaugh.
AngryBlakGuy: Win!
Um, would this be a good point to propose the Bristol/Sarah/Me ménage à trois I’ve been thinking about?
CUSTODY BATTLE ON JUDGE JUDY PRETTY PLEASE!
On a serious note, the only thing worse than being a teenage mother is being forced to marry your teenage douchebag boyfriend. So good for her.
How many people are married to their high school sweethearts anyway? I’d say about 1 in 50. If my calculations are correct, it’s a 98% bad idea.
NoWireHangers: BRISTOL -> PISTOFF
AngryBlakGuy: I’m thinking a remake of A Streetcar Named Desire. We’ve got Blanche, Stella, and Stanley. May bring in David Denby for the Karl Mauldin role.
As Gomer Pyle, USMC, used to say way back in the day, “Surprise, surprise!” Honestly, stories like this are why we little people in the dark turn to Wonkette every day…
I think there’s a lesson to be learned from this episode — it’s that abstinence education leads to broken homes.
“…according to the sister of the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson, the Palin’s are stuck-up snobs who call the Johnston’s “white trash.”
This sounds like one of those “I’m my own grandpa” jokes…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeIsxXDyjlc
Levi just got kicked out of Club Jesus.
Now that Bristol is a single, teen-aged mother, will she be shipped off to the salt mines of Kessel just as GOP ideology demands?
GleepGlop: I think happily married would be the better measure. % even less, then.
Guess Mama-bear isn’t running in 2012 after all…
ph7: he’s the only one I have even an iota of sympathy for. He is doomed.
Damn, and I already got a wedding present. Any of you need a crystal-handled polar bear gutting knife and a couple of Shamwows?
teebob2000: along those lines BRISTOL, erase B erase foot of R boom bam, PISTOL, every Wasilla boys’ security blankie.
I for one am shocked, SHOCKED that love does not triumph all. Oh wait they weren’t even in love. my bad.
ph7: They always bite off their victims’ heads after intercourse. So, I guess if you’re into that sort of thing . . .
Levi can always move to Bristol, VA and run for Alderman or something.
Doglessliberal: I think married and still living together would be even better. I knew an elderly married couple up in Fairbanks who kept their marriage together by living in separate houses.
GleepGlop: Ask the experts.
http://www.snopes.com/weddings/newlywed/sweethearts.asp
Looks like Bristol has set her sights on bigger things. Newt can always be relied on to dump his current wife for a pretty young thing. And Rush is, well…shit, even Bristol doesn’t deserve to be flattened by his royal lardness. But there are plenty of young Republican males out there for you, Bristol. Maybe you & Meghan McCain can have a girls night out soon! (And make sure Levi babysits.)
Can we have that finger with the tattoo on it for the Smithsonian’s collection?
Has lil’ Tripp begun looking too much not-at-all-like Levi to keep the known father story viable? Or has the tyke begun to resemble Walnuts too much? How soon before Levi shows up in gay porn? To the answers to these and other questions, tune in tomorrow for another episode of ‘The Young and the Also.’
BRISTOL, with a slight mod, add an A lose the I and add an O becomes.. BARSTOOL where I suspect this fine young man will spend much of his dissolute future.
Having a single impoverished mom and being raised by his grandmother can only improve Tripp’s chances at becoming president. If only he had been born in Kenya.
Custerwolf: as someone who not only loves my husband, but really likes him, and likes when he is around as much as possible, I find that a bit odd. But, different strokes. . .
Serolf Divad:
Done. Also.
-SP
she’ll rebound quick, all teh guys knows she puts out.
LEVI 2012! FTW!
Also
mylesfromnowhere: yeah, but they also know she’s too dumb to know what birth control is, so they will either avoid her or insist on BJs or anal.
There are other fish* in the trailer park.
*Mud puppies.**
**Also a euphemism for poop.***
***lol
He’ll regret that decision when the helicopter hunt starts.
That’s it. Those little bastards had better mail me back the set of commemorative collectible Obama plates I sent them, pronto.
Honestly, good for the poor kid. Don’t get married when you’re a teenager to help out your insane mother’s political ambitions. I’m sure shouts of “But, 2012!” are echoing around that house right now.
Well to be fair, Bristol mother-in-law-to-be was dealing meth. Not that there is anything white trash about that or anything. Perfectly good environment to send the baby to, and all. Also.
Tra: oh, she’ll turn it into an asset. “God forgives our mistakes, and here, my daughter chose to save this innocent baby’s life instead of killing it on the front lawn, as the Negro Kenyan would have had her do…”
Levi had better praise Jesus that Obama won that election.
His sorry butt would be stuck with his chillbilly baby momma if Sarah was in the White House.
I’m gonna fly up there and knock her up again, for sport. Southwest keeps emailing me about $39 flights to Anchorage.
MILF on!
Ken Layne: Damn, I only get $89 to Rochester, NY or Cleveland offers. I think you would be getting the far better deal.
So, first Bristol says abstinence only sex-ed is not realistic, and then she usurps God’s holy moral order by dumping her husband instead of submitting to him obediently as lord and master? I guess there’s hope for her yet.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Over home, we’d call someone like that a “plucked chicken.”
Ken Layne:
Better take a whole load of antibiotics both pre- and post-trip.
I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you. Really, really shocked.
I think we need to see an animated GIF of that tender campaign scene of McCain mechanically stroking the happy couple’s arms out on the tarmac…just for closure.
A comment on the Mudflats blogs adds:
“Bristol IS attending Wasilla High School. She goes in at least two times per week to work or volunteer as a teacher’s aide to the WHS swim coach, with whom she appears to be spending a lot of extra time also.
Other than that, she does appear to have once again dropped out…”
widestanceromancer: Well, you know what they say when the baby looks too much like Momma and not enough like Daddy: “Momma’s baby; Daddy’s….? Maybe.”
Ya’ll DO realize how we sooooo dodged being the laughing stock of the world by not having Walnuts! and Caribou Barbie in office?
Whatever, Levi “fuckin redneck” Johnston is still hot.
widestanceromancer: I like the soap opera idea, and your title.
He doesn’t need to take away from it, just add an S. Bristols is short for Bristol Citys, and is cockney rhyming slang for titties. A fine tattoo.
Also, “You might be white trash if….your facebook page says ‘proud to be a fucking redneck.’” ( with a due tip of the hat to Jeff Foxworthy)
Also, Ken, Sara, Jim…this story needs to be rerotated to the top. Every two hours for 3 days. Also.
If these two retarded hayseeds can’t be forced together to publicly shore up a diseased plank of a decaying platform, then what hope do the rest of us have?
So much fail. The photo that Gawker published was great - he has “JOHNSTON” tattooed in ALL CAPS across his left forearm, the same one where the “Bristol” tat is found around the ring finger. I guess he was afraid of forgetting his name if he didn’t have it available no more than 3 feet away at any time, in ALL CAPS no less. Also.
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4412091n
What the hell, now he has more time to visit his mama in prison!
FMA: I will take some ShamWows and a polar-bear gutting knife!! I can use the knife to gut Republican developers and alligators, and the ShamWows to clean up the mess! Gators are some goddamned good eating, hell yes.
Please mail to:
Cracker Ass Cracker Lake of Grass and Algae Tours
c/o Merry Christen
Gatorland, FLA
32666
Oh, and Levi, why don’t you come on down here and relax in God’s country. I’ll help you get over your broken heart. Besides, I could use me some strapping young lads - it’s hard to carry gator meat and Republican corpses through the swamps without spilling any of my drink.
McGomer: McCain is pretty touchie-feelie. I like where he was sizing up Todd’s new suit.
One Yield Regular: FTW.
Word to Levi’s Mom: Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200, unless you’re contributing it to the Palin 4 Prez campaign.
Doglessliberal: I’m with you on that. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 12 years and I’m HAPPY to share a 37 foot trailer with him!!
Doglessliberal:oops…I forgot to make my point -I was saying it was a good idea in reference to compiling marriage statistics only!
Ken Layne: You know, I hear the governor made it legal to sport-impregnate unwed teen mothers from helicopters. With all the money you’re saving on the flight a helicopter is definitely affordable. You could just catch her when she leaves her burrow on her way to school and- oh yeah, never mind.
This surprises anyone? It would be easy to predict that after hitting the campaign trail Levi would find out Sarah gave better head than Bristol.
Levi just couldn’t marry Bristol and keep porking Sarah on the side. He’s now given both of the Palin women babies (you didn’t really think Trig was Todd’s kid; he barely made it through Algebra).
NoWireHangers: Maybe he can make it “Rist” with an arrow, so he knows what that part of his body is called. Since he’ll probably be using it a lot now. Alaskan winters are long….
Need to get me Bristol’s digits. Love me some chubbies.
CaliforniaMike:
Maybe Todd is giving Bristol all the sausage she needs.
I’m really curious about what appears to be a giant “JOHNSTON” tattoo on Levi’s forearm in the Star photo. Does “Sex on Skates” have other girls’ names tattooed around each of his other fingers? Or did he mean to spell it “JOHNSON”?
BRISTOL -> BRO LOL
Plus, it’ll be a funny story when in the drunk tank of nights for the next forty years or so until the diabetes/meth finally kill him.
How white trash do you need to be for the Palins to look down their noses at you? Wasilla must be a worse place than I thought if Todd and Sarah and their get represent the local gentry.
I thought there was some Christian-y thing about parents/children/family. I can see keeping the Meth-maw and the trashy sis away but why Levi? He isn’t abusive or anything. They won’t let this schmuck see his son? He was good enough to plumb the depths of her vagina, but not to consort with the consequences of his actions? I would think Tripp is an awesome object lesson to the Palin/Johnston in the importance of condoms, or at least better timed coitus interruptus.
Gallowglass: Because he’s got a new girlfriend, I’d wager.
My dad glared at my arm tats over the weekend and loudly announced that the stimulus package contained earmarks for removal of tattoos. When I told him that it was only for gang-related tattoos, he was really bummed. I then skimmed the news for mention of stimulus earmarks dedicated to early institutionalization of grumpy old dads, but didn’t find anything.
Mustang: I dunno, the stories seem to indicate she’s the one with the extra side of beef. A Wasilla HS swim coach or some such nonsense.
BUT THE ENQUIRER SAID THEY LURVED EACH OTHER!!!!ONE!!!1
AnnieGetYourFun: no, they actually get elected Senator from AZ, unfortunately.
AnnieGetYourFun: And with global warming there soon won’t even be a respectable ice flow to send him off.
Gallowglass: or that too, sure.
Ken Layne: Do you think you and your family will be able to visit the baby? Are commie-pinko-terrorist-left-democrats worse or better than trailer trash?
NoWireHangers: B.KRISTOL?
Fuck yeah, back to drinkin’ Bud and doing fat chix
Meghan McCain, Bristol, and Ann Coulter need a reality television show, “A Good Conservative Man is Hard to Find.” And at the end of each episode, after recounting each of their frustrating adventures in dating, they can all say together, “But a *hard* conservative man is *good* to find!” Then they can all giggle about their risque little joke as they head to church.
Bristol, being Wasilla aristocracy, will get her own furnished doublewide and Oxycontin habit. Poor dumb fuck Levi, will turn tricks at the truck stop until nobody wants his ass anymore.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Young Bristol has a bit of the wiseass about her, and that may end up being her saving grace. In the interview where she mentioned her regrets about the baby’s “timing”, she struck me as being much smarter than her Mom. Perhaps one day she’ll join us here in Sanityville. Although I’m not sure it was she that dumped Levi. In the interview, when Bristol was asked what Levi’s doing these days, her face flashed pain only, and she mumbled something about him working with his Dad. I suspect Levi dumped her.
MathewBrooks: Levi looks like Li’l Abner. (Youngsters can just Google it.)
Levi Johnston has emerged as one of the top contenders to be the Deputy Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, informed sources have told The New York Times, The Washington Post, Time, Newsweek, CNN, CBS News, The Associated Press, The Hill, Roll Call and The Rocky Mountain News.
“I’m excited,” Johnston said. “I think I can do a great job. I know a lot about health. And human services, too. I’m looking forward to working with President Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sanjay Gupta and Ted Kennedy on completely reforming and re-writing this country’s health policies. I want to live in Washington, too.”
Texan Bulldoggette: Bristol and Meghan’s night out: pulling up to Wasilla Bar, Grill & Bait in a chauffered, black snow-machine, flashing their naughty bits for the camera as they dismount. Rubirazzi, I’m counting on you …
justlen: Todd’s already moved on to her little sister. Remember, nights in Wasilla are forever without you.
This is nothing a big bowl of Possum Stew can’t fix!
Hopefully, Levi left town with half of the baby picture money.
Sadly, this isn’t surprising. At least he got a nice new Brooks Brothers suit out of the deal (he probably had to return it with Gov. Idiot had to ship all her crap back to the RNC). The sad thing is he dropped out of high school (where I’m sure he was a C student, but still) and went to the oil patch. Jeebus. It’s like Alaska is the Oklahoma of the north!
Maybe Levi can go back to school or at least get his GED and start college somewhere. His 15 minutes are long over, but at least he’ll always have Minneapolis.
Doglessliberal:
You may feel that way, but does your husband??
Doglessliberal: my bet’s on anal….
The fiction entry I saw in the Anchorage Press this week is prophetic. By 2012, when the Palin-Santelli ticket wins in a Reagan in ‘84 style near-sweep, the Inaugural potlock barbecue will feature Sarah Barracuda introducing Bristol & her four children (with one more, “the last one”, on the way). The names? Tripp, Mc Cain, Cuervo, & C-Section*.
*Pretty sure on that last one.
At least he got the 50 bucks he bet the other guys he could knock up the governor’s daughter. Unfortunately, Jesus is gonna roast those two like a couple a’ hogs in the eternal flames of hell. But, oh well.
They were all pretty pissed up there in Wasilla that the Octomom was sweeping up all the unwed mother publicity. Bristol to the rescue. Meanwhile, Levi will do the Christian thing and pay 600 dollars a month to support the child until it is eighteen years old.
So, um, Bristol is available?
NoWireHangers: Wait, didn’t Winona have a big brown beaver?
GleepGlop: Worked for me. Going on 36 years…
GleepGlop: AGREED - I’m glad she didn’t get pressured into that garbage! Her family may be trash but it sounds like his is trashier… I’d much rather be a single mom than married to some douche…
chascates: Look who gets snowbilly sloppy seconds:
Matt will begin as Wasilla High School’s Head Swim Coach in August of 2008.
Holy Shades of Rankin Bass Kris Kringle! That makes Bristol Tante Kingle!
Tripp will be a daddy in 19 years.
Zhu Bajie
Bill Maher will be so pleased to hear this.
What, wait, a high school dropout and his teenaged girlfriend couldn’t handle their baby mama drama? Well, that isn’t very trailer park of them! Well, at least he has a great job with a major corporation to fall back… oh wait, that’s right.
“I’m, some people, ya know, the little folks, that us important Americans
and also the bridge to nowhere was however not too great an idea for
economic retributionizationing.
Also.”
Anyone else notice how big Bristol’s boobs are?
Did Penthouse go out of business?