John Edwards has been mysteriously absent from the news for many months, ever since he announced that he could very well have gotten John McCain elected president had he (Edwards) won the Democratic nomination because he was having sex with some hippie crystal worshipper who gave birth to a child that looked like “John Edwards in a onesie” even though he was not the father.
In other words, John Edwards was nationally humiliated and widely acknowledged to be a vulgar womanizing dirtbag. After that, it was assumed that he would go away and not bother anyone with his mill stories ever again.
Except not, because: speaker fees! As of late he has been speechifying in places, about poverty and the mill, most recently in the former mill town of Providence, Rhode Island.
After his half-hour talk, a Brown student journalist very predictably asked Edwards a question about his TAWDRY AFFAIR, which he was forced to answer because the question was sufficiently vague as to not be completely offensive:
A student who said she organized for Edwards on campus and knocked on doors for him in New Hampshire asked whether politicians should be held to higher moral standards than the rest of the public.
The question sent murmurs through the crowd.
“I don’t think it’s for a candidate to decide what’s appropriate,” Edwards said. “It’s something for every American to decide for themselves.”
He added: “I have my own view, which I’m going to keep to myself tonight.”
Meanwhile the National Enquirer has yet another story about how John Edwards really is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby, and oh Elizabeth Edwards has yet another book coming out about facing adversity.
And before we go, one last bit of weirdness from John Edwards’ big night out in Providence:
In his half-hour speech, Edwards noted some of the ways in which he has spent time in the past six months. He talked of how his youngest children, Jack and Emma Claire, had their tonsils out. He described a December trip to a slum in Haiti and how he helped wrap the bodies of dead children.
Ick.
Edwards talks about poverty, stays silent on paternity [News & Observer]
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He was wrapping the bodies of dead children? JEEBUS CHRIST HOW MANY KIDS DOES HE HAVE ALREADY?
Haiti, meh. All the good sex tourism is in the DR
Well at least he’s not wrapping the bodies of dead children around a spit, like Cheney.
Or is it live children he likes?
[re=262658]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: lol. Those were the Edwards-spawn that the National Enquirer didn’t find out about… until now!
“I have my own view, which I’m going to keep to myself tonight.”
(whine) Why could JFK fuck everything with a pulse and I stick it in one frigging moonbat with hairy armpits and my whole career is over?!?
He doesn’t need to go overseas to wrap the bodies of dead children. He would save himself some money by INJECTING STEM CELLS INTO BAGGIES. Because, after all, stem cells are children.
[re=262658]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:
I don’t know, but if I get a package from Edwards I ain’t opening it.
I have my own view John: you had passion & credibility, now you only have one. Guess which.
[re=262669]ALIVE![/re]: it’s live children, but only ones who have had a hard life. For dead things he prefers puppies, which he gives to Lynn to wear to Exxonmobil galas.
…He described a December trip to a slum in Haiti and how he helped wrap the bodies of dead children.
Or as Dick Cheney likes to call it, a “Doggy Bag”.
If John had just wrapped something else, he would not have this little Rielle Hunter problem.
Haiti? Dead Children? Yeah, but how did his hair look?
Gotta admit he’s got balls. Unfortunately, he used them.
“ALIVE! says at 2:11 pm, March 11th, 2009 – ReplyWell at least he’s not wrapping the bodies of dead children around a spit, like Cheney.
Or is it live children he likes?”
Edwards wraps dead children in burial shrouds. Dick Cheney wraps them in BACON.
And John Edwards, who is to Dem politics what suicide bombers are to Iraq, should join the fake reporters in the guillotine line. Or perhaps:
“I told my wife that if I ever looked at another woman, I’d cut off my nose. She said I was aiming too high.”
-Sweet Liberty
“I was going to wear a condom, but then I thought: hey, when am I going to be in Haiti again?”
BAD IDEA JEANS
Jeebus, these little Brown students… that’s the best question they can lob at him after he betrayed their noblesse oblige dreams? murmur murmur murmurmur rustleundertonebackgroundnoise murder
why are there brain herpes in the left column of this age? doesn’t wonkette know that there is NO CURE?!??!
Oh good lord.
Some people like to fuck and some people like to help the poor. John likes both and I like John (and those other two things.)
He should have just come clean (or maybe not fucked a hippy with blabbermouth friends.)
Also.
[re=262735]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Hahahaha WIN.
[re=262735]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Send Rielle a closet full of Mom Jeans.
[re=262682]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: LOL
Who actually goes to Haiti voluntarily?
Not everyone knows this, but if you neglect decomposing human remains long enough, they eventually swell up and burst, releasing Chanel No. 5 and giant mountains of delicious candy.
Damn you, Edwards! Damn you to hell! Why do you hate Haiti?
And to think that I sent him donations. All that I got in return was a pie recipe.
And an even better President thanks to Edwards going all Clintonesque. Thanks John.
Oh, yeah, I never did get that pie recipe…
He couldn’t possibly be thinking of saddling up again in 2016… Could he?
If so, let’s hope people remember the kind of October surprise the Republicans could have sprung if he’d gotten the Nomination before the story broke.
No, I don’t think so, John. A chain of (expensive) hairdressing salons might be the go-
“Cup of tea, madam? A bit of rompy, perhaps…?” Stick to what you know, son.
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