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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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1 comment

  1. TGY

    Hell, he couldn’t make Hucks prezdent. What makes him think he can get himself elected prezdent of Teh Respublic of Tejas?

  2. Neon Trotsky

    I have a strong feeling that this will end with Chuck Norris desperately trying to fend off U.S. Marshalls with karate chops on top of The Alamo…

  3. Texan Bulldoggette

    Christ, as if Texas doesn’t have enough shit to live down. We got Shrub & Bush Sr.–we can’t contain too much more bat shittery.

  4. Serolf Divad

    George Washington advised, “The great rule of conduct in regard to foreign nations is in extending our commercial relations [and] having with them as little political connection as possible.”

    Which is why you were so against the Iraq War, right, Chuck? Chuck? …Hello? …Chuck? Are you still with… is Chuck still with us? Whu…? …Dial tone? Must have been a bad connection. Let’s see if we can get him back on.

  5. DoctorCulturae

    Texan Bulldoggette: …not to mention that Mr. Norris here appears to have caught teh ghey.

  6. gurukalehuru

    He will rekindle the fires of patriotism by seceding from the Union.

    The Southern mind is capable of a level of double-think that staggers the imagination. I think its the sun.

  7. CollegeStudent

    seem’s like a pretty natural order of progression in Walker, Texas Ranger’s piece- Washingon, Jefferson, Henry, Adams and then Beck and Norris.

  8. shortsshortsshorts

    Hey! It’s Chuck Norris’ 69th birthday. Why doesn’t he run for Governor? Like everything else in Texas, you can depend on many years of high quality ACTION PACKED poli-snark.

  9. El Pinche

    ILL VOTE FOR THIS GRATE AMERICAN IF HE RUNS FOR PRESEDENT!!!1!! HE’S A BLACK BELT KARATE FIGHTER, FORMER POW VIETNAM VET, FORMER TEXAS RANGER, AND EXARCISE EQIPMENT ENTREPRAYERNEWER, AND OWNS A HONEST TO GOD BIRTH CIRTIFICATE FROM THE US . THATS FOUR MORE OVER YOU LIBTARDS MUSLIN PRESIDENT (NOT MINE PRESIDENT!).

  10. GreatSatan

    Let ‘em go says I. We can get our steers from Oklahoma and our queers from the GOP!

  11. Custerwolf

    This calls for some Chuck Norris jokes…

    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
    Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
    Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
    To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
    When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
    Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
    Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

  12. ManchuCandidate

    [re=261092]facehead[/re]:
    I don’t know. The position of King of Scotland is available, too.

  13. El Pinche

    Finally, the real progressive that PUMAs can believe in. I don’t remember a movie where he didn’t manhandled a little lady or kicked her in the panocha. He’ll work!!

    Norris/Palin 2012!!!

    Or

    Palin/Norris 2012!!!

  14. iwillsavethispatient

    Converted to “the Doctor”?? If he’s converted himself into a Timelord that can travel through time and space in a TARDIS, then he gets my vote. As long as he’s not Sylvester McCoy.

  15. Numbat Dundee

    I have a vision of Chuck (a name never used here in Australia because it’s Australian slang for vomit) holed out in the Alamo with legions of demented wingnuts. “Give me liberty or give me death!” “Praise God and pass the cool-aid.”

  16. prizepig

    Show me a certified copy of his Texas birth certificate!! Why does Chuck Norris refuse to provide a certified copy of his Texas birth certificate?!?! What is he hiding?!?!

    I’m on the INTERNET and I say he’s a secret OKLAHOMAN.

  17. shanemacgowan

    [re=261066]Neon Trotsky[/re]: He invited law enforcement to his little secession party. They will probably come, just not as invites guests.

    By the way, Chuck, you forgot to mention Waco and Dallas (1963)in your litany of great moments in Texas independence.

  18. Giant Robot

    [re=261103]Custerwolf[/re]:
    When Rush Limbaugh says jump and you ask “how high?” the answer is: However fucking high Chuck Norris tells you to jump, BITCH!

  19. answerbird

    Sounds like a great idea, Chuck. Why don’t you take Oklahoma, Arkansas, Lousiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virigia with you. Without these ungrateful freeloaders, the US would be out of debt in no time. Bobby J. could be your Vice and JC Watts could be your Secretary of State. It would be nice to have an english speaking (for the most part) third world country right next to us. We just would need to build a big mofo wall to keep your sorry asses out of the productive part of the United States.

  20. chascates

    Norris links to Glenn Beck’s newest nutjob:
    WE Surround Them!
    http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/21018/

    “Do you watch the direction that America is being taken in and feel powerless to stop it?
    Do you believe that your voice isn’t loud enough to be heard above the noise anymore?
    Do you read the headlines everyday and feel an empty pit in your stomach…as if you’re completely alone?
    If so, then you’ve fallen for the Wizard of Oz lie. While the voices you hear in the distance may sound intimidating, as if they surround us from all sides—the reality is very different. Once you pull the curtain away you realize that there are only a few people pressing the buttons, and their voices are weak. The truth is that they don’t surround us at all.”

    Actually, that’s pretty much what the last election was all about.

  21. shanemacgowan

    [re=261138]answerbird[/re]: If Chuck takes Kentucky, can we keep Ashley Judd? She’s hot.

  22. iolanthe

    [re=261084]PomPom[/re]: $20??? Make that $200!!! I’ll donate! Just think of all the problems we wouldn’t have had if we’d had a 20th or 21st Century attitude toward Divorce in 1860, instead of an 1860 attitude toward it.

    If only we’d said, back then:

    “OK. Let’s split the stuff. You take your shit, and I’ll take mine, and you can clear out of here and find your own place.”

    Please, please, please, please, please let Texas secede … and take the other Rush States with ‘em.

  23. iolanthe

    [re=261138]answerbird[/re]: You know, no matter how high you built that wall, they’d be sneaking across the border every Saturday night to drink, dance, and do drugs. What a boost to our border economies!

    We should let them go and form their own shitty stupid country.
    I’ll help them.
    I will personally *hold* the door so it doesn’t hit them in the ass.
    As long as they go.

  24. Mr Blifil

    Isn’t he happy enough simply watching Christie Brinkley ride up and down on that stupid exercise device? Guess he’s got “other priorities.”

  25. glamourdammerung

    The South leaving (again) would be like “Atlas Shrugged” in reverse.

    Hopefully, they would not then attack us again then cry about their being put down like a sick animal for the next 150 or so years.

  26. Jukesgrrl

    [re=261067]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Good choice. The Pope has better outfits and Opus Dei will do ANYTHING for ya.

  27. assistant/atlas

    [re=261072]DoctorCulturae[/re]: Oh you are so getting a roundhouse kick to the face for suggesting that Chuck is a ghey.

    Chuck Norris is so heterosexual that when some dude told him he liked the cut of his jib, Chuck beat him severely and tied him to a fence post and left him to die in rural Wyoming. Because that’s what real men, who are secure with themselves, do. And then he had Mike Huckabee say that gays hadn’t been subjected to enough Chuck Norris violence. The end.

  28. One Yield Regular

    [re=261142]chascates[/re]: Great, thanks! First I allow myself to read that insane rant by Chuck “tongue-n-cheek” [sic] Norris, then I read that Glenn Beck thing. I’ll be skipping out on that event, I’m afraid, since I can’t in good conscience accept even ONE of those nine principles, let alone seven of them.

  29. CaliforniaMike

    Can we just pick one state — Texas is fine with me — and tell all the people who in a perfect world would have been aborted or taken out and shot and give them three months to move there?

    Then we could make billions by turning that state into the ultimate reality show.

    I’m thinking pay-per-view. One week Rush Limbaugh and Pee Wee Herman get married, the next week Chuck Norris eviscerates, barbecues and eats Rosie O’Donnell. During sweeps week, there’s a death cage match between Chimpy McFlightsuit and Bible Spice.

    Good times.

  30. grevillea

    [re=261238]One Yield Regular[/re]: “4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.” Gee, where can I load up on summa that Reverence, Humility and Moderation o’ theirs?

  31. grevillea

    [re=261238]One Yield Regular[/re]: And apparently ‘principle’ is now synonymous with ‘banal wingnut bumper sticker slogan’.

  32. norbizness

    “They say that behind Chuck Norris’ beard is not his chin… but rather a gaping universe of reactionary stupidity.”

  33. tootsieroll

    Not to be a downer, but these freaktoid bitterz are really starting to scare me with all of their chest-thumping, rallying cries of “We will not let this negro mulsin socialist ruin ‘merika!”

    Someone’s gonna do something more stoopid than suggesting being president of Texas.

  34. iolanthe

    [re=261292]tootsieroll[/re]: Yes, someone will try something more stupid.

    Two doors down the block, my crazy neighbor stands in her yard, when she’s off her meds, and screams “NOW IS THE TIME! GOD HAS DECREED IT! OBAMA IS SATAN’S SON AND HIS REIGN SHALL NOT STAND! UNITE, AMERICA, FOR A *WHITE* AMERICA! GOD IS WHITE! GOD WILL REMOVE THE DARK STAIN FROM THE PRESIDENCY!”

    I’ve called the police many many times, and tried to swear out a Disturbing the Peace complaint, but the cops tell me it won’t stand up in court, as she is exercising her 1st Amendment Rights, quote: “Just like all those damned idiots who march at the Federal Building every week!”

    Um … I don’t actually think it’s the same thing at all, especially when she screams the N-word for hours at the Af/Am neighbors who live between her house and mine. But this is LA, justly famous for its culture of Stupid Racist Beat Cops.

    I finally got to talk to the Watch Commander this weekend … the African-American Watch Commander, I might add, and they locked the bitch up for outstanding warrants all weekend, finally. Now we’re working with the property owner to evict her Squatter Ass.

    Sure, she’s barking mad. But her rants sound a whole lot like many many comments I read on the Web each and every damned day. Right down to assuming God hates Obama.

  35. Zorg

    Ralph Waldo Emerson spent two years of his life going around the United States and delivering a lecture on why the annexation of Texas as a state would destroy the Union. I’m not sure, but he might have had a Nostradamus-like vision of Chuck Norris, Dubya and Alberto “Fredo” Gonzales.

  36. ServiceJervixJuice

    Chuck Norris is so tough, helpful, and patriotic that he stores spent nuclear fuel rods in between his tight gay buttocks.

  37. Double Scorpion

    Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares at them until he gets a headache, then he asks his assistant to pull quotes out of context from his intellectual betters so he can cut and paste an unreadable word pile devoted to the heroics of noted assbuncle Glen Beck. Seriously, chuck Norris should start reading books. Lone Wolf McQuade sucked. Also.

  38. CaliforniaMike

    I hate to disappoint y’all about Chuck Norris, but back in the early ’90s I was working as a sportswriter covering the L.A. Kings hockey team and all sorts of celebrities used to come into the locker room after games.

    Put it this way — Tom Hanks was a nice normal tall guy, Chuck Norris would have had trouble posting up Danny DeVito.

    If he’s 5-6, I’d be surprised.

  39. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=261301]iolanthe[/re]: You live in L.A.? Sounds like you’re the fuckin’ crazy muthafucker.

  40. KittyLitter

    You know, I’m almost sorry that back in the 80s, before his face melted and he started waxing his moobs and backhair, I may have masturbated to his shirtless photo. Of course, even then I knew he was a stupid no-talent turd that missed the litter box, but I did love me some furry moobs.

  41. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=261320]CaliforniaMike[/re]: Sly Stallone too. My tallish baby sister (maybe 5′ 10 “? ) is positively TOWERING over the dude in random shot of them at some casino/convention-center thing she went to in college.

    Sylvester Stallone: dwarfed by random sorority girls.

  42. S.Luggo

    “When you think all is lost in America, remember [the pro-slavers who formed the defense of] the Alamo!”

    Chuckie, pres’dent of a stolen Mexskin territory made into a slave state, where people could become property..
    Let the Reconquista begin.

  43. Custerwolf

    Chuck’s people announced this morning that he’s just signed a multi-million contract with the folks at Pfizer to be the spokesman for the new erectile disfunction drug Mycoxafloppin. We wish you well Mr.President -er, Chuck, I mean.

  44. CaliforniaMike

    [re=261328]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: And Cruise is the shortest one of them all. Except for DeVito, who is two inches away from being an official midget.

  45. lawrenceofthedesert

    Why stop at President, Chuck? You could be the new Prince Charles. There will be uncouth serfs, however, in brainiac Austin, in San Antone, and on the reservations. You’d be breaking up the Southwest Conference, so the jocks might revolt, and watch your crown and sceptor if Mr. T. Boone Pickens comes to court. Suggested national anthem: “If I Only Had a Brain.”

  46. Giant Robot

    Not only is Chuck short and stupid – his martial arts prowess consists of winning trophies in tournament karate. No offense to any wonkettes out there who are on the jedi path, but isn’t tournament karate a no-contact slapfest where the combatants wear cute red gloves in case one of their killer slaps accidentally brushes the cheek of their opponent? We should give Chuck credit, though, for being slightly less of a joke than Steven Seagall.

  47. montresor

    Okay, so despite the sensation of slogging through molasses, I read the article, and especially loved this part:

    “For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News’ Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, ‘We Surround Them,’ on Friday afternoon (March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST). Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation. You can host or attend a viewing party by going to Glenn’s website. My wife Gena and I will be hosting one from our Texas ranch, in which we’ve invited many family members, friends and law enforcement to join us. It’s our way of saying ‘We’re united, we’re tired of the corruption, and we’re not going to take it anymore!’”

    So basically we have, what? A teevee show that a lot of wingtards are going to be watching at 5 pm on a Friday afternoon. That’s a movement??

    I like the intimation of Al-Qaeda terminology — “Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country,”

    Wonkette MUST MUST MUST liveblog this hootenanny!

  48. shitimintexas

    Now that I’ve lived in Texas for 2 years I can say that I have never seen a bigger bunch of whitebread, backwards ass peckerwood pussified entitled rednecks in my goddamn life. Asshole motherfuckers with million dollar homes on postage stamp lots stacked on top of each other driving the biggest motherfucking pick up truck they can find wearing a goddamn 10 gallon hat and a fucking pair of shitkicker boots like they’re on fucking bonanza, going to the fucking walmart to stock up on coca-cola and fritos. Chuck Norris is absolutely the right man to lead the group of fuck sticks. A pretend tough guy with a subnormal iq and a hat better suited for a 9 year old, in 1950.

  49. Dr. S

    Hey shitimintexas — do you kiss your mother with that mouth? It really is true that IQ is inversely proportional to the amount of obscenities in your speech. Let me dumb that down for you: you can tell how smart someone is by their need to revert to “cussing” as much as possible.

    Go Chuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  50. ProudTexasChick

    OMG…….after suffering through all the comments here, with all the grammatical errors and hate for TEXAS………Makes me even more PROUD to be a TEXAN. There is no other place in the world that has people that are more proud than TEXAS. I’m so glad that all of you hate TEXAS and would never live here…..we don’t want you anyway. We’d like to send you all of our rejects as well, which are those who came from your state and settled in TEXAS. If you don’t like TEXAS…Don’t come here and if you’re already here….PLEASE GO HOME!!! Everyone aspires to be a TEXAN….that’s why there’s all this hate….you’re just jealous because you weren’t born one of us and you know you can never change that!!

    I’m with you Dr.S!!

  51. ProudTexasChick

    OMG…….after suffering through all the comments here, with all the grammatical errors and hate for TEXAS………Makes me even more PROUD to be a TEXAN. There is no other place in the world that has people that are more proud than TEXAS. I’m so glad that all of you hate TEXAS and would never live here…..we don’t want you anyway. We’d like to send you all of our rejects as well, which are those who came from your state and settled in TEXAS. If you don’t like TEXAS…Don’t come here and if you’re already here….PLEASE GO HOME!!! Everyone aspires to be a TEXAN….that’s why there’s all this hate….you’re just jealous because you weren’t born one of us and you know you can never change that!!

  52. jp1947

    You dumb ### Most of The People in The Lone Star State have A IQ twice the size of yours. I am sorry the states that you reside in are so simple minded that a IQ of 70 would beat yours. You may need to go back and read the Declaration of Independence. OH $$$$ I forgot you can not read above 5th grade level. Your President is pure and simple turning our United States into the samething as the Nazi Republic of Germany. Which is a Socialist Government. Which means you will be told when to eat, when to bath, what clothes are permitted, what relegion you can be. Me, I had rather be a dead patriot than be told what I can believe.
    I was born and raised in Texas, I have been all over the United States and lived in a few that should be anexed into another state. Most people are so rapped up in their own world and problems that they really do not know what is happening to them.
    It is not the place of our Government to fix our financial problems, we all had a part in causing them. We became a nation of people that lived above OUR means. Oh that means you did not have the money so buy on credit wheither you can pay for it or not.
    Most people in Texas were raised to believe that if you co not have the money in your pocket you do not need it.

    As far as our Government goes it sucks big green donkey d—s.
    THEY TRY TO BALE OUT THE WORLD AND CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE PEOPLE HERE.
    WE HAVE CHILDREN GOING HUNGRY EVERYDAY ARE THEY FED? THE CHILDREN IN NATIONS THAT HAVE NO COMMON KNOWLEDGE OF BIRTH CONTROL KEEP HAVING CHILDREN AND WE D— SURE TRY TO FED THEM.
    I COULD KEEP GOING BUT WHAT IS THE USE. FOOLS NEVER LISTEN.

    I WOULD VOTE FOR CHUCK

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