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JUST FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY

Minnesotans Cannot Reach A Decision About Anything

Coleman voter left, Franken voter rightAl Franken! Norm Coleman! Who will win this epic battle for the Senate? And more importantly, who cares who will win this epic battle for the Senate? The answer is both sides, equally. This is why the Senate stalemate is so goddamned stale.

A recent poll showed Minnesotans were statistically divided over whether they should just toss the results of the November election and have a do-over. Ha ha, this is funny because the race itself was a statistical dead heat. Those flaky Lutherans can’t make up their minds about anything!

Here is a proposal: Minnesota should be divided into two parts. The part with the Twin Cities can be assigned a single senator, and the part with Michele Bachmann can be dislodged from the earth’s crust and sent to Jupiter, in pieces.

Minnesotans split again — on a new Senate vote [Star Tribune]


9:44 AM on Fri March 6 2009
By Sara K. Smith
5453 Views

  1. BillyClubb says at 9:50 am, March 6th, 2009

    A statistical dead heat, you say? Well just call Katherine Harris, former Florida Secretary of State. She’ll fix that right away…

  2. snarkattack says at 9:56 am, March 6th, 2009

    If this were a Red State, they’d settle the election in a cage death match. Since this is Minnesota we’re talking about, they’ll probably have an apple pie bake-off instead…

  3. pondscum says at 9:59 am, March 6th, 2009

    snarkattack: More likely hot dish involving some form of canned cream soup…

  4. Sussemilch says at 10:00 am, March 6th, 2009

    snarkattack: Full crust or lattice? The Minnesota Lutheran Church Basement Women Mafia wants to know.

  5. qwerty42 says at 10:02 am, March 6th, 2009

    pondscum: Has the Ketchup Board weighed in?

  6. A Fine National Imbalance says at 10:02 am, March 6th, 2009

    If it wasn’t for this Coleman douche we would have socialism we can believe in.

  7. Colander says at 10:02 am, March 6th, 2009

    They should have a Yo Momma slam battle. Whoever gets the most lulz becomes senator.

  8. Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! says at 10:03 am, March 6th, 2009

    Never trust a state where collective Canadian farts ride downwind via the Alberta Clipper.

  9. Monsieur Grumpe says at 10:09 am, March 6th, 2009

    snarkattack:
    I’m leaning towards solving this dilemma with some kind of wrestling match between Norm (The Weasel) Coleman and Al (The Mouth) Franken. Jessie (The Body) Ventura can oversee the match.

    4 months and counting. Sigh.

  10. snideinplainsight says at 10:09 am, March 6th, 2009

    Who can eat more lutefisk?

  11. Paterlanger says at 10:12 am, March 6th, 2009

    Minnesota’s Lutheran indecisiveness is what makes Al Franken the perfect choice. He does a great Limbaugh impersonation so he can, on behalf of all Minnesotans, take a seat on the Democratic side of the Senate and lead the Republican party simultaneously.

  12. Gopherit says at 10:16 am, March 6th, 2009

    Sara, can we just send Michelle and norm to Jupiter, in pieces? Easier and more final that way.

  13. Serolf Divad says at 10:20 am, March 6th, 2009

    Why won’t Rush Limbaugh just tell Coleman it’s time to move on?

  14. irativ says at 10:21 am, March 6th, 2009

    I live in Minnesota and we barely care about it. I mean it’s a goddamn senate race and they have six years in Washington and if it is decided before the term is up it’ll be amazing. I do get to tell people, though, it’s a race between a complete clown and Al Franken. But, yeah, I want to vote again, and go through more campaigning and ads by Franken making fun of ads from Coleman back to back which make me want to poke holes in my skin with a letter opener.

  15. tiny mexican says at 10:25 am, March 6th, 2009

    Is there any legal way this lawsuit could end with a death sentence for Dean Barkley? I think we should be exploring our options here to make sure this never happens again.

  16. S.Luggo says at 10:26 am, March 6th, 2009

    The election should be settled through a debate about whether salvation may be attained by “grace through faith” or by “grace and good works”. Since Franken is a heathen NY Jew and is thereby automatically damned to roast in the fires of hell along with the hindoos, it really doesn’t matter which side of the debate he takes. Ted Haggard will moderate.

  17. x111e7thst says at 10:34 am, March 6th, 2009

    SKS for senate from Minnesota

  18. SayItWithWookies says at 10:36 am, March 6th, 2009

    snarkattack: Sunday Afternoon…Kitchen Stadium…Rhubarb Battle!

  19. sarahconnor says at 10:40 am, March 6th, 2009

    i can haz Wellstone?

  20. gjdodger says at 10:42 am, March 6th, 2009

    S.Luggo: Except Norm Coleman is also a heathen NY Jew. Maybe they ought to just exhume Henrik Shipstead and send him back to the Senate.

  21. Canmon (the Inadequate) says at 10:43 am, March 6th, 2009

    They can share the Senate seat and each can each use one cheek. That way there is no taint on the seat.

  22. snarkattack says at 10:46 am, March 6th, 2009

    Sussemilch: Win!

  23. lampadadog says at 10:49 am, March 6th, 2009

    They are both hippies. This whole thing is a ploy to allow Minnesotans to secede and join Canada. It starts by refusing their Senate representation.

  24. Iggy Plop says at 10:51 am, March 6th, 2009

    The nation, by which I mean Fox TV executives, should weigh in with some sort of humiliating reality TV contest to decide the winner. “Who wants to be a Senator?” with foul substances, some queasy homophobia, a desert island, and a surprise twist in the end: the reanimated corpse of Paul Wellstone appears to claim the title for ever and the end.

  25. snarkattack says at 10:53 am, March 6th, 2009

    Gopherit: Maybe we could balance the budget by selling lottery tix to see who gets to shoot Michele Bachmann out of a cannon!

  26. shanemacgowan says at 10:58 am, March 6th, 2009

    Lizard People!

  27. Lascauxcaveman says at 11:04 am, March 6th, 2009

    Here’s one thing almost all Minnesotans can agree on: banner ads featuring slow-scrolling naked fat people body parts are teh gross.

    I hope they go away soon. Why would anybody click on that shit?

  28. McDuff says at 11:10 am, March 6th, 2009

    Let’s be clear — SCANDINAVIAN Lutherans can’t make up their minds because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. GERMAN Lutherans are a bit passive-agressive (just ask any of Al’s surviving European relatives).

  29. jodyleek says at 11:13 am, March 6th, 2009

    shanemacgowan: Flying Spaghetti Monster! Also.

  30. El Vista says at 11:15 am, March 6th, 2009

    Looks like a potential 4-H project to me.

  31. WadISay says at 11:23 am, March 6th, 2009

    lampadadog: Minnesota would have a great future as the bannana belt-slash-warm weather vacation spot of Ontario, eh?

  32. jodyleek says at 11:26 am, March 6th, 2009

    I work in the same building as Nasser Kazeminy, Norm Coleman’s sugar daddy. He has two reserved spots in the contract lot (which no one else has) and he likes to drive his Ferrari in the summer. Apparently someone put a scratch in his paint job and has since installed a special security camera over his parking spots to monitor his vehicles when parked here. And a building security guard was assigned to monitor the monitor. Sometimes he drives the Bentley, sometimes the Volvo complete with Ferrari stickers (WTF?).

    So what I am getting at here is, Norm Coleman’s sugar daddy is a conspicuously rich jackass. That’s all.

  33. Capitol Hillbilly says at 11:33 am, March 6th, 2009

    can’t they did up some of Hubert Horatio Humphrey’s genes and clone him?

  34. Mustang says at 11:36 am, March 6th, 2009

    Why don’t they just have one senator? They’re used to it by now, and it seems to be working okay.

  35. SayItWithWookies says at 11:48 am, March 6th, 2009

    jodyleek: He needs a bumper sticker that says “My other car is also driven by an asshole.”

  36. Texan Bulldoggette says at 11:59 am, March 6th, 2009

    Isn’t Walter Mondale still alive? Sheesh, let him do it for crying out loud. Barry really needs another D to jab it up the Rs ass.

  37. Capitol Hillbilly says at 12:21 pm, March 6th, 2009

    Bulldoggette: Mondale lost to Coleman in 02 after Wellstone died in plane crash. Remember how the GOP manipulated the ass-kissing media into making a big stink about his funeral? That’s how Coleman got there in the first place.

  38. hobospacejungle says at 12:21 pm, March 6th, 2009

    Once they settle this & Franken takes his seat, please send Norm down to Texas so we can execute him for being such a fucking asshole.

  39. CollegeStudent says at 12:23 pm, March 6th, 2009

    Minnesota-Where all the women are strong, the children are above average and the elections are statistical dead heats.

  40. CollegeStudent says at 12:31 pm, March 6th, 2009

    lampadadog: Works for me

  41. Astrobastard says at 12:37 pm, March 6th, 2009

    The Twins actually signed a potentially useful free agent before the Senate seat was decided. That’s terrifying.

  42. Graphictruth says at 12:40 pm, March 6th, 2009

    I think they should settle it Nevada style. One hand of poker, winner take all.

    Seriously, that’s the provision for these situations.

  43. CollegeStudent says at 12:42 pm, March 6th, 2009

    Graphictruth: The winner gets a free trip to the brothel, the loser gets to dig his own grave in the desert outside of Tonopah

  44. Truculent says at 12:45 pm, March 6th, 2009

    sarahconnor: He’s a little ripe right around now

  45. hockeymom says at 12:49 pm, March 6th, 2009

    Elwin Tinklenberg for Senate!

  46. Atheist Nun says at 1:33 pm, March 6th, 2009

    jodyleek: Apparently “someone” put a scratch in his paint job(*cough*cough*jodyleek*cough)
    Next time, bring a seltzer bottle or empty fire extinguisher, fill it with paint thinner, hide in the bushes out of camera range and give Kazeminy’s car a sweet custom ‘distressing’ job…

    Anyway, yes, Minnesota should be divided into two parts: The part where they eat toxic pickled fish chunks marinated in lighter fluid, and the part with rational human beings.

  47. assistant/atlas says at 2:28 pm, March 6th, 2009

    Atheist Nun: Throwing a big rock would work, also.

  48. eppa_rixey says at 3:53 pm, March 6th, 2009

    I’m a Minnesotan and I fucking DEMAND lizard people representation! But I’ll settle for Edwind Whistleberry…

  49. thwanger says at 7:03 pm, March 6th, 2009

    sarahconnor: thanks for making me cry.

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