Wonkette
Al Franken! Norm Coleman! Who will win this epic battle for the Senate? And more importantly, who cares who will win this epic battle for the Senate? The answer is both sides, equally. This is why the Senate stalemate is so goddamned stale.
A recent poll showed Minnesotans were statistically divided over whether they should just toss the results of the November election and have a do-over. Ha ha, this is funny because the race itself was a statistical dead heat. Those flaky Lutherans can’t make up their minds about anything!
Here is a proposal: Minnesota should be divided into two parts. The part with the Twin Cities can be assigned a single senator, and the part with Michele Bachmann can be dislodged from the earth’s crust and sent to Jupiter, in pieces.
Minnesotans split again — on a new Senate vote [Star Tribune]
A statistical dead heat, you say? Well just call Katherine Harris, former Florida Secretary of State. She’ll fix that right away…
If this were a Red State, they’d settle the election in a cage death match. Since this is Minnesota we’re talking about, they’ll probably have an apple pie bake-off instead…
snarkattack: More likely hot dish involving some form of canned cream soup…
snarkattack: Full crust or lattice? The Minnesota Lutheran Church Basement Women Mafia wants to know.
pondscum: Has the Ketchup Board weighed in?
If it wasn’t for this Coleman douche we would have socialism we can believe in.
They should have a Yo Momma slam battle. Whoever gets the most lulz becomes senator.
Never trust a state where collective Canadian farts ride downwind via the Alberta Clipper.
snarkattack:
I’m leaning towards solving this dilemma with some kind of wrestling match between Norm (The Weasel) Coleman and Al (The Mouth) Franken. Jessie (The Body) Ventura can oversee the match.
4 months and counting. Sigh.
Who can eat more lutefisk?
Minnesota’s Lutheran indecisiveness is what makes Al Franken the perfect choice. He does a great Limbaugh impersonation so he can, on behalf of all Minnesotans, take a seat on the Democratic side of the Senate and lead the Republican party simultaneously.
Sara, can we just send Michelle and norm to Jupiter, in pieces? Easier and more final that way.
Why won’t Rush Limbaugh just tell Coleman it’s time to move on?
I live in Minnesota and we barely care about it. I mean it’s a goddamn senate race and they have six years in Washington and if it is decided before the term is up it’ll be amazing. I do get to tell people, though, it’s a race between a complete clown and Al Franken. But, yeah, I want to vote again, and go through more campaigning and ads by Franken making fun of ads from Coleman back to back which make me want to poke holes in my skin with a letter opener.
Is there any legal way this lawsuit could end with a death sentence for Dean Barkley? I think we should be exploring our options here to make sure this never happens again.
The election should be settled through a debate about whether salvation may be attained by “grace through faith” or by “grace and good works”. Since Franken is a heathen NY Jew and is thereby automatically damned to roast in the fires of hell along with the hindoos, it really doesn’t matter which side of the debate he takes. Ted Haggard will moderate.
SKS for senate from Minnesota
snarkattack: Sunday Afternoon…Kitchen Stadium…Rhubarb Battle!
i can haz Wellstone?
S.Luggo: Except Norm Coleman is also a heathen NY Jew. Maybe they ought to just exhume Henrik Shipstead and send him back to the Senate.
They can share the Senate seat and each can each use one cheek. That way there is no taint on the seat.
Sussemilch: Win!
They are both hippies. This whole thing is a ploy to allow Minnesotans to secede and join Canada. It starts by refusing their Senate representation.
The nation, by which I mean Fox TV executives, should weigh in with some sort of humiliating reality TV contest to decide the winner. “Who wants to be a Senator?” with foul substances, some queasy homophobia, a desert island, and a surprise twist in the end: the reanimated corpse of Paul Wellstone appears to claim the title for ever and the end.
Gopherit: Maybe we could balance the budget by selling lottery tix to see who gets to shoot Michele Bachmann out of a cannon!
Lizard People!
Here’s one thing almost all Minnesotans can agree on: banner ads featuring slow-scrolling naked fat people body parts are teh gross.
I hope they go away soon. Why would anybody click on that shit?
Let’s be clear — SCANDINAVIAN Lutherans can’t make up their minds because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. GERMAN Lutherans are a bit passive-agressive (just ask any of Al’s surviving European relatives).
shanemacgowan: Flying Spaghetti Monster! Also.
Looks like a potential 4-H project to me.
lampadadog: Minnesota would have a great future as the bannana belt-slash-warm weather vacation spot of Ontario, eh?
I work in the same building as Nasser Kazeminy, Norm Coleman’s sugar daddy. He has two reserved spots in the contract lot (which no one else has) and he likes to drive his Ferrari in the summer. Apparently someone put a scratch in his paint job and has since installed a special security camera over his parking spots to monitor his vehicles when parked here. And a building security guard was assigned to monitor the monitor. Sometimes he drives the Bentley, sometimes the Volvo complete with Ferrari stickers (WTF?).
So what I am getting at here is, Norm Coleman’s sugar daddy is a conspicuously rich jackass. That’s all.
can’t they did up some of Hubert Horatio Humphrey’s genes and clone him?
Why don’t they just have one senator? They’re used to it by now, and it seems to be working okay.
jodyleek: He needs a bumper sticker that says “My other car is also driven by an asshole.”
Isn’t Walter Mondale still alive? Sheesh, let him do it for crying out loud. Barry really needs another D to jab it up the Rs ass.
Bulldoggette: Mondale lost to Coleman in 02 after Wellstone died in plane crash. Remember how the GOP manipulated the ass-kissing media into making a big stink about his funeral? That’s how Coleman got there in the first place.
Once they settle this & Franken takes his seat, please send Norm down to Texas so we can execute him for being such a fucking asshole.
Minnesota-Where all the women are strong, the children are above average and the elections are statistical dead heats.
lampadadog: Works for me
The Twins actually signed a potentially useful free agent before the Senate seat was decided. That’s terrifying.
I think they should settle it Nevada style. One hand of poker, winner take all.
Seriously, that’s the provision for these situations.
Graphictruth: The winner gets a free trip to the brothel, the loser gets to dig his own grave in the desert outside of Tonopah
sarahconnor: He’s a little ripe right around now
Elwin Tinklenberg for Senate!
jodyleek: Apparently “someone” put a scratch in his paint job(*cough*cough*jodyleek*cough)
Next time, bring a seltzer bottle or empty fire extinguisher, fill it with paint thinner, hide in the bushes out of camera range and give Kazeminy’s car a sweet custom ‘distressing’ job…
Anyway, yes, Minnesota should be divided into two parts: The part where they eat toxic pickled fish chunks marinated in lighter fluid, and the part with rational human beings.
Atheist Nun: Throwing a big rock would work, also.
I’m a Minnesotan and I fucking DEMAND lizard people representation! But I’ll settle for Edwind Whistleberry…
sarahconnor: thanks for making me cry.