cartoon violence

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Once every a generation or so, it’s important that our comfortable lives are shaken up, so that we can take stock and figure out what’s really important. Sure, economic disruptions are painful, but they can also herald a return to self-reliance and old-fashioned, time-tested values. Unfortunately, our current economic crisis passed that point weeks ago, so now you’re sort of just rubbing it in, Cold Dead Hand of Adam Smith. We promise to stop with the credit cards and the adjustable rate mortgages, OK? Just give us our fucking 401Ks back. Sadly, it appears that our political leaders will be forced to take truly drastic steps to stop our planet from being transformed into a vast hobo jungle.

Click the comics to make them bigger if you want to stare the TERRIBLE TRUTH IN THE FACE.

Have you heard that the children are our future? When you heard that, you just nodded and smiled politely. But when the much smarter-than-you President Obama heard that, he thought, “Hmm, if they’re our future, then couldn’t they also be … our present?” At that moment, the Making America’s Babies Pay initiative was born. The nation’s infants, previously inefficiently deployed in various cribs, day cares, and ball pits, were put to work! Some were used as beasts of burden, while other, weaker specimens were simply ground into a protein-rich slurry that provided more energy to the beast-of-burden babies.

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But as any economist will tell you, tweak one aspect of the complex web of exchanges that underpin our society and you can create certain so-called “perverse incentives.” For instance, when the government offered a bounty on the feeble yet delicious slurry babies, there was a rash of infants raised in tiny pens and fed sour cream out of their bottles, resulting in more ludicrously obese tots than the nation’s slurry-producing infrastructure could process in a timely manner. A program that had begun with such great hope became mired in piles of obese babies, as government initiatives so often do.

But Obama had another trick up his sleeve! If babies couldn’t save America, what about old people? Sure, they weren’t really useful for any kind of economically productive activities, but many of them had lived long, full, rich lives and were probably getting on their children’s last nerve right about now, so they wouldn’t really be missed if they were used as human sacrifices, right? Barry personally took the old coots to his native Kenya Hawaii, where they were hurled into the caldera of an active volcano as an offering to Pele, the goddess of fire, lightning, dance, volcanoes, violence, and structured investment vehicles.

But you know what the problem with human sacrifice is? Much as is true for eating delicious potato chips, you can’t just sacrifice one of your citizens to an ancient pagan deity! It’s so enjoyable that you just kind of go nuts with it. Here we see Barry looking awfully pleased with the results of his latest mass offering of dozens of hapless mortals to Poseidon, the ancient Greek god of the oceans, of earthquakes, and of credit default swaps. Look how happy he is! There’s nothing more satisfying than pleasing your fickle divine master!

But don’t worry! Our president’s not out of ideas! Even now, he’s plotting a way to defeat the recession by piecing together bits and pieces of corpses and assembling them into an enormous, monstrous parody of humanity, then reanimating that dead mass by infusing it with the devilish new invention, Electricity. Will obstructionist Republicans block this bold move by proclaiming it “an affront the laws of nature” and “an attempt to arrogate to man those powers that rightfully belong only to the Creator”? Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, somewhere overseas, that enormous pile of cocaine Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ordered has finally arrived.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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16 comments

  1. turdsandwich

    did the cartoonists of 2001 manage to turn Bill Clinton’s blowjob into something that was G-dub’s fault? just wondering.

  2. BeRightBack

    The most interesting thing about the Hillary cartoon is that there are chopsticks sticking upright out of the….white substance, which is what you do when you offer food to the dead. Which of course means that Hillary is actually attracted to this offering because she is a “hungry ghost,” or, as we Americans say, a “zombie.” Well done, cartoonist.

  3. TGY

    Just let me know when we’re at the point of our arc of despare when we get to eat the cartoonists. And there was much rejoicing!

  4. rsynnott

    “This looks like socialism to me” said the elephant, remembering Dr Frankenstein’s enthusiasm for free health care.

    Also, why does Hillary have little stars on her absurdly short arms?

  5. Bearbloke

    [re=259621]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Wal-Mart executives – it’s a lot cheaper there…

  6. assistant/atlas

    Um…maybe the Republicans have a point. If capitalism has been reduced to a SKELETON, then Dr. Barry “Dr. J” Obama’s giant, giant spending machine is unlikely to be able to revive it. Since, presumably, the very heart he’s trying to restart would have long ago been eaten by maggots.

    Even Dr. Congressman Ron Paul can’t bring back the dead. Hell, he can’t even bring back the gold standard.

  7. Lascauxcaveman

    Swiftian kindred spirits everywhere agree: Using surplus babies for food – an idea that will never go out of style.

  8. mcc

    Okay, I cannot let this go.

    Did that last Austrian cartoonist just use MS COMIC SANS in a POLITICAL CARTOON?!?

  9. norbizness

    Speaking of symbology, Family Guy has given us at least one good political line in the last 10 years: “Hey, look, Lois: it’s the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who’s scared of change.”

  10. iwillsavethispatient

    The 4th cartoon isn’t of people drowning, it’s Obama’s agricultural plan – plant lots of arm seeds and let the grow. The best thing about organically-grown arms? They harvest themselves.

  11. Packherd

    Oh, you rascally Teutophones! Have you even the slightest understanding of American political symbolism?

    You don’t? Geez, then I’m sorry to make fun of you. Entschuldigung.

  12. AxmxZ

    “Meanwhile, somewhere overseas, that enormous pile of cocaine Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ordered has finally arrived.”

    A+

  13. Bruno

    Poor Hillz, doesn’t she know it is bad protocol to leave chopsticks sticking out of food. This behavior will insult her hosts and lead to no more food/credits.

Comments are closed.