Wonkette’s troll “Daniel” informs us of this delightful section on the Obama Moneypage in which you can view scanned .PDFs of the various governors’ letters of certification of stimulus package funds (a.k.a the paper they sign to get their DOUGH.) Most of the states that have already signed their certifications are ruled by liberal Democrats who write simple, professional letters quoting the section of the legislation that requires their signing-off. Texas’ Rick Perry, on the other hand, writes a whiny bitch thing, because why is he even taking this money that he doesn’t want?


Dear Mr. President:

I’m writing you today in response to stipulations set forth in H.R. 1, the $787 billion stimulus package you signed into law yesterday. As you know, I have been vocal in my opposition to this legislation because I believe there are better ways to reinvigorate our economy and believe H.R. 1 will burden future generations with unprecedented levels of debt.

Throughout the years, Texas taxpayers have sent substantially more dollars to Washington than we receive on issues ranging from transportation to border security and hurricane relief. As I have said during the debate on H.R. 1, should Congress pass stimulus legislation using Texas tax dollars, I would work to ensure that our citizens receive their fair share.

On behalf of the people of Texas, please allow this letter to certify that we will accept the funds in H.R. 1 and use them to promote economic growth and create jobs in a fiscally responsible manner that is in the best interest of Texas taxpayers. I remain opposed to using these funds to expand existing government programs, burdening the state with ongoing expenditures long after the funding has dried up.

BLAH BLAH BLAH umm will the welfare queen stop making excuses?

State Certifications [, Texas .pdf]

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  1. Shorter Rick: we’ll take the money but we won’t like it one bit! I’ll be so glad when this dude is not our governor. I think he’s been governor for 100 years & I can’t think of a damn thing (good or bad) that he’s actually accomplished other than getting the governor’s mansion burned down.

  2. Jeezus, can’t we just take TX’s money and divide it among states that don’t gripe about free monies and beer? Dillweed.

  3. Also, why is Texas’s state website How very 1990s of them. Everyone else I’ve seen uses the standard Well, apart from Wyoming, which appears to not have those new fangled internets.

  4. I want to make slow, sweet love to the guy in the pic holding that sign. Right now. With beers.

    Ok anyway, Perry is a douchenozzle. I’m a Texan and he’s our #1 douchenozzle of all times. He should choke on a dick.

  5. Must we give Texas stim funds? I mean, they’re clearly ungrateful. I say take away their share and split it between Crist, the Governator and that dude in Utah for being, well, nicer about it all.

  6. Kinky Friedman is thinking of running again so we’ll have another circus to sit through. Perry will take the stimulus money but find a way to use it to prevent abortions, teach creationism and execute people.

  7. [re=258015]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Sounds like they’re a subdivision of AOL. Which makes it odd that Governor Perry’s letter isn’t in all caps.

  8. I can’t believe the Republicans at this time in their history. They are silly disgraces. But didn’t they see the 2004 keynote speaker at the DNC? They should have been prepared.

  9. Dear Mr. President:

    I am writing in response to your remark that you made to me last night when you found me wandering around in the brush on the perimeter of the highway rest stop where your motorcade happened to have stopped, presumably to “do their business.” When our eyes locked briefly, you brought your fist to your mouth and made the “blow me” gesture by distending your cheeck and moving your fist along the opposite cheek. Then you said in a loud clear voice “After your done with the others, I got something else you can suck, faggot.”

    On behalf of the people of Texas, I object to the tone you adopted during our brief encounter. I am not in the habit of spending my free time at highway rest stops and would like it stated for the record that I was in among the shrubbery looking for a lost contact lens. It does not sit well with me that you would use such an opportunity to bait me with such insensitivity. I was unable to find the lost contact lens and unfortunately had to drive home using my reading glasses, which was highly inconvenient.

    Nevertheless, in the interest of bipartisanship and comity, I have told my assistant to free up time on my schedule the next time you are in our state, whereupon, on behalf of the people of the state of Texas, I will be very happy to suck your Mandingo dick.


    Gov. Rick Perry

  10. deer mr. preznit:

    I hate takin’ yur dirty stimulus monnies. It makes me feel durty and cheep and whorey. (butt, I kinda like that feelin’).

    I wish Texas had receeved more monnies for the hurrycanez, and the mexikans and the cars. I haz a sad.


    the Texas Guvner

  11. Jebus, I’ve never seen anyone in history whine so much about free money as these fuckhead Republican governors. Is Ahnuld’s certification letter up yet, with the “P.S.: We’ll take Louisiana and Alabama’s moneys if zey don’t want zem”?

  12. So he’s saying that sending more to DC than receiving it gives the Republic of Texas a big say in spending? It’s on! I say people in NY, NJ, MA, the District of Columbia, and similar, usually blue, massively net-tax-donor states and protectorates get the last say so in everything fiscal from now on. These states don’t twist that knife in tough times 1. because it makes you a phenomenal douchebag and 2. because it turns out there is a federal a constitution that decides how much states have a say in federal legislation.

  13. Jeezus, Dems, here’s the certification form you should have mandated, no changes permitted:

    I, the undersigned Republican governor, hereby certify that I want that fucking money more than anything, and I will kill fetuses with my bare hands to get it. Also, I am a crawling worm. Go Barack. Big gay hugs, (signature)

    Do I have to think of everything around here?

  14. Dear Governor Perry —

    Are you really annoyed about taking federal money to create jobs and pay for welfare and unemployment that your state can’t afford? In that case, please visit my new website,, and check out the page entitled “If Cutting Taxes Is Always a Great Idea Then Why Don’t You Eliminate Your State’s Taxes Entirely and Watch the Money Come Rolling In?” I’m sure you will find it a bracingly useful experience.


    President Barack Hussein Obama

  15. We can’t wait for the upcoming election between him and Kay “Breck Girl” Bailey Hutchison. Not since the Dukakis campaign will Final Net play such an important role in election results.

  16. And fiscally responsible Ron Paul still runs the District that takes more money than any other in Texas.


  17. [re=258034]ShamWow[/re]: We need signature authetication, a hand/foot print, and a notary. It looks like his secretary or some other imposter signed it.

    This document is clearly a forgery when you look at the kerning, and occassional blurry font. Also in 2009, Texas GOP did not use the word president – they generally used the N-word instead. This is so clearly a forgery – the real one is on file in darkest Kampala, Afrika or somewhere.

  18. Does he plan on using the stimulus to bail out death row? People were getting worried it’s too expensive to ‘legally’ kill the brown people

  19. That’s some good old fashioned Texas liberalism in that picture. Every leftie from Texas is generally a big lefty with brass balls and/or ovaries. A lot of them have fled here to the Cascadian Free Republic.

  20. While Lt. Governor, married-with-kids Rick Perry’s aide/boyfriend was pulled over for speeding with Perry in the passenger seat. Governor Hate-The-Poors tried the “do you know who I am” routine with the cop but was unsuccessful. Due to this incident, my very conservative midwestern parents now believe Gov. Perry is a homosexual.

  21. I think the Democrats should mandate that if a Republican Governor whines about having to take the money yet takes the money, everything constructed in that state has to have the President’s name on it- not just the familiar name, but the full name- and have to attend every ribbon cutting ceremony. That way, Rick Perry will someday have to attend the school opening of Barack Hussein Obama Elementary School.

  22. [re=258070]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I think every project should bear the name of the governor who “begrudgingly” took the money and feature a little sign that says, “paid for with money America doesn’t have”.

    next to that should be a thermometer that tracks the national debt.

  23. [re=258065]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: we got big balls in texas. i lived my teen years brandished as a satanic creep for my lack of religion. oooh, texas.

  24. …geez, I didn’t think it would be so difficult for a white guy to take a hand-out from a black guy?! Maybe if he considered it “Reversed Reparations” it would be easier?

  25. Dear Gov. Perry.
    Please take as much free money as the Yankees want us to have. Remember all they stole from us after the Civil War? So take the money, ask for more, and please be more gracious in accepting our restitution.

  26. [re=258067]hobospacejungle[/re]: Due to his being a fundie Republitard obsessed with his hair, my conservative Texas parents have always believed Rick Perry is a homosexual.

  27. Dear President Obama:
    When you pay me to suck you off, you make me feel like a dirty whore.
    I will continue to suck you off. And I will continue to require payment for said suck offs.
    But I don’t like it.

    Yours truly,
    Republican Asswipe

  28. [re=258034]ShamWow[/re]: Because all repugs are dumbasses! And anyone who votes for a repug is an even bigger dumbass. He thinks that making his signature totally legible will enhance his credibility with the other dumbasses who inhabit his dumb fuck, yahoo state! (whew, i’ve waited a long time to say that)

  29. im a texan, but go ahead and get your hate on. I don’t blame you guys. Tom Delay, Prick Cheney, Prick Perry, Kay Dingbat Hutchinson, Rove, etc etc.

    We’re a fucking factory of fail.

  30. [re=258039]totoro[/re]: yeah, that was my thought. So, NY, NJ, MA, CA can run everything now? Free abortions for everyone!

    Seriously, Texas gets hurricanes. New York hasn’t had one that did a lot of damage in a while, and yet, we send money without bitching about it. Wow.

  31. [re=258114]El Pinche[/re]: Once the immigrants figure out who really looks out for them we’ll swing back to Democrat. Maybe not Ralph Yarborough/Barbara Jordan Democrat but I predict it’ll be a start.

  32. [re=257997]Itsjustme[/re]: DUDE. The first time I saw Perry’s signature, it was on some form letter commending my daughter’s school for performance, blah blah blah. I thought to myself “I can’t believe he lets his sorority-girl interns sign off for him. That was a proofing mistake on someone’s part there.” BUT NO. That’s how Rick Perry, a governor, a male, a grown-up signs his name.

    Anyway, I think that only the Democrats in Texas should get any of the stimulus money. Just bypass the Repugs entirely and send checks to Austinites (well, most of us, anyway).

  33. [re=258126]Meaux[/re]: I wonder if his staff had to convince him to stop putting a little heart over the i when he signed official documents.

  34. First of all douche bag you haven’t received substantially more dollars. You’ve basically paid your way, which is much better than most of your red state brethren. I think the last I read you get about $0.98 for every dollar you pay in. Good job for being paying your way, but don’t get sanctimonious when New England and CA pay substantially more than they get so your meth head southern truck nutz states don’t starve.

  35. You don’t like the monies, don’t take it, Ricky. It’s that simple, so stop whining. You don’t get to choose what those “Texas” dollars are spent on until you secede and start printing your own monies. Meanwhile, it is currency of the United States. So while you are still part of America, pay your fuckin’ taxes like a patriot and shut the hell up.

  36. [re=258130]chascates[/re]: In the 1970s Nugent gave an interview to High Times magazine in which he said that before his Vietnam draft physical he quit showering and pi$$ed and sh!t in his pants so the military wouldn’t take him. Private Poopy Pants.

  37. [re=258138]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]: Funny about how he’s such a big supporter of our imperial wars now. Although his sons aren’t in the service. Much easier to go hunting.

  38. Mister Cowboy Hat, be more specific. Too many names, too much Washington Republican intercourse. Meaning that last word in its original sense.

  39. How about BHO and HRC cuts a deal with whoever is nominally in charge of Mexico these days to give Texas back. It would address a historical injustice and serve those fuckers right as well also.

  40. [re=258126]Meaux[/re]: I mean, how many times do we have to go over this ground? If someone is a “conservative Republican,” it means that they are almost certainly a) closeted gay b) a pedophile and c) actually unaware on a conscious level of these facts. The signature is merely the fa-la-la on Gov. Perry’s twisted psyche.

    I have a Ph.D. in fucked up–I should know.

  41. just a stab in the dark, but i’m guessing he’s all pissy ‘cuz he can’t use stimulus funds to build a bigger closet in the governor’s mansion?

  42. [re=257997]Itsjustme[/re]: Cursive has been banned in Texas since 1998 as pro-Darwinian.

    [re=258043]thetalltexan[/re]: Be kind. Perry’s certification letter was stained with his salt tear stains of bathic regret. Plus a scab of the crusty snot. Or perhaps that was Mexican Brown.

  43. The wingnuts just need to look at things differently: Their tax dollars are used for the Iraq war, Guantanamo, the missle defense shield, and lawyers to prevent Bush’s crimes from being revealed. My tax dollars are used for helping the poors. Makes me feel better, anyway.

    It doesn’t matter how practical it sounds. It is the next tag-line of the worst idiocy that has ever come. I mean sweet holy hell what kind of douche borrows money while calling the dude who lent it to him an asshole “conservative movement”

  45. [re=258003]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I lived in Austin during Richards’ glory days. Sigh… I miss all those prostitutes in sight of the Capitol Building. Sixth Street provided a hang out to sex addicts so predatory they’d only leave bones behind, and sometimes not even that. How much do I hate Bush for what he did to Texas? I can’t even find words.

    And now, Rick “Tiny Penis” Perry…
    Give me the vaccination gun, stat.

  46. [re=258168]Dean Booth[/re]: That’s no fair, the Republicans want to help the poor too it’s just that you think you can help the poor by having Government create jobs and provide health care whereas the Republicans think you can help the poor by having Government cut their capital gains tax.

  47. [re=258138]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]:
    Nugent, that fool, didn’t have to go through such extremes of self-abnegation to get out of the Viet Nam War draft. He could have merely taken the Army Induction Center intelligence test. From my recollection, a typical question was, “What should this be used on?” [Drawing of hammer]
    A. Nail.
    B. Nail.
    C. Nail.
    D. Kitten.
    But, knowing Ted, he would have scrawled in, “Lizard People.”

  48. [re=258132]AutomaticPilot[/re]: I’m afraid I must school you: Rick Perry, Steve’s brother was also the lead singer of Journey from 1985-1990 when Steve left the band to work on his solo career. Steve is also a Republican.

  49. That letter proves that lobotomies for Republicans are indeed the law. “How dare you give me this big pile of money” is roughly on par with “pass me your lighter, I need to see if my gas-tank is empty” on the microcephalic-dipshit-scale.

    Yeah, I bet Perry’s epic pouting looks REAL noble to the Texans who’re looking for a job &/or a place to live right now – especially if nobody’s hiring & the shelters are all full. Doooon’t stop, belieeeevin’ …

  50. [re=258181]bitchincamaro[/re]: Let’s go rape and kill some innocent Iraqis play ball in the park with a stimulus football. Or maybe Texas. Let’s rape and kill some innocent Iraqis play stimulus football in Texas. Either way, we can reject that stimulus money , because Reagan will no longer love us.

  51. Rick justifies Texas’ acceptance of Stimulus Act money by claiming that the Lone Star State gives more to the federal government in tax revenue than it get it gets back. (And so? How does this avoid the Repugs’ argument that the Stimulus Act represents an expansion of Big Government?) What Perry is saying is … to abbreviate Molly Bloom’s fantasy in the last line of James Joyce’s Ulysses … “No. I mean yes, oh yes, I say yes.”

    Regardless. Had Texas under Perry (and Bush) not curtailed Medicaid, Food Stamp, Head Start, etc. federal with state-contribution program spending, Perry’s claim would not hold true.


  52. Whew. I was worried the bugman had pictures of Newell doing farm animals or something. Mainly because I have those pictures myself, and want to sell them at a time, place, and price of my choosing without competitors flooding the market for pics of Newell balls-deep in someone’s future veal entree.

  53. [re=258223]trondant[/re]: Free-marketer. Next you’ll be telling us that you us that you mortgage-backed securities for the buying. I know your kind.

    Color or B&W? Just asking.

  54. I think Mexico should give itself back to Texas; the food would be better and more Democrats would get elected. And we all know the lead singer of Journey actually was the other brother, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, but he couldn’t tour during football season.

  55. I’m from the “People’s Republic of Austin” – the largest city in the USA without a congressional representative. Gov. Goodhair is a laugh here – glad to see so many of you see the humor, too.

  56. [re=258154]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Why no heart over the i in Rick Perry’s sig? Did he had to hand it off before the hall monitor caught him writing notes to his boy friend?

  57. The Guv just got the news that Texas is gonna lose 300,000 jobs this year. But I don’t guess that had anything to do with his change of heart.

  58. Why didn’t some Senator stick an amendment in there that if your Governor bitchs about the stimulus money so he can stay in the good graces of CPAC creeps and Glenn Beck, you don’t get any.

    Sorry Lousiana and Texas, you lost you new road and school money to Florida and Utah. While were at it, why doesn’t Obama issue an executive order sending the Texas highway patrol to go fight the Mexican drug cartel.

  59. Rick’s letter was looking good until the very end- the part our Jim cut out to save Perry face, I guess. He closes the letter with:

    “While we differ on solutions to the ongoing economic crisis facing
    our country, I believe we both share a desire to see our great nation endure as a beacon of
    freedom and economic vitality to the world.”

    Rick Perry does not want Obama to fail! Expect a tearful resignation on Rush’s show later this afternoon.

  60. Thread procedural question: Can thirty-eight different people ‘win’ something except in a five-year-old’s soccer tournament where everyone’s a winner and here’s your Tropical Punch-flavored Capri Sun?

  61. Hey, don’t take the fuckin’ money you big bitch. Be a MAN, stand on YOUR prinicipals, and refuse the money. What’s that? You won’t get reelected? Well, that changes EVERYTHING.

  62. Fed Money? We don’t need no stinkin’ Fed Money! We’ll print our own stinkin’ money: Lone Star Dollars, yeah, that’s the ticket.

    Ricardo Perez

  63. “Perry will take the stimulus money but find a way to use it to prevent abortions, teach creationism and execute people.”

    Only if we are lucky!!

  64. Dear Prezident Hussein,

    Do not send us any mo moneys unless it be for de good chilruns of Texas. We needs lots mo moneys to 4 our text books for the good chilruns of Texas. If you send us de moneys, we will be sure to include you in our history books. Remember it’s all about the good chilruns of Texas and has nuffing to do wif politics as usual.

    Ricky Perry

    PS What’s a Washington Outsider? Any friend of George W. Bush

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