Wonkette
Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich thought he could finally cash in big with Barack Obama’s Senate seat, but that didn’t work out too well. Then Rod went on every talk show and cable-news program to jabber hysterical bullshit, and that really didn’t lead to riches, either. Now, at the end of both his political career and his brief stint as America’s Diversionary Joke, Blago has signed a very modest “six figure” deal to write an idiotic book. (”Six figure,” in this case, almost certainly means exactly $100,000 — a lot of money, to most people, but a lot less than the $155,600 he used to make as governor of Illinois.) [AP/WBBM]
This is great for his publisher — since he’s going to get convicted for corruption, he won’t be able to make a dime off the book, and they’ll be spared an advance. Of course, Blago will be reduced to selling merkins in exchange for cigs, but that’s prison life for ya.
He & Joe the Plumber need to find better literary agents.
And more than likely that $100K is an advance against future royalties. So if the book doesn’t sell enough copies, he has to give it back.
But the odd thing is that it almost certainly will sell many copies. Who buys these things? And why? Shouldn’t they use the money for p0rn instead?
Wait, didn’t Dave Eggers already write a book called “A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius?”
And I thought things couldn’t get worse than JTP’s book.
I’ve seen a few coked-up interviews/speeches now. I can only imagine the run-on sentences, random quotings of poets, etc.
At least JTP doesn’t act victimized and compare him self with world humanitarians, so he’s got that going for him. Plus he makes real simple, 3rd grade sentences.
From Hair to Eternity.
Geez. Maybe I need to make the random ass of myself for public consumption. It’s the shortest route to six-figure book deals and numerous indignant Wonkette posts about me. Which is a pretyt good life.
All of my book titles will begin with “Magic Titty Presents:”
The Grapes of Graft
Calling Blago the new Joe the Plumber is an insult, sir, and you need to apologize to Sam/Joe. Sam/Joe would NEVER lower himself to socialism by implying that he took care of sick children like Captain Hairball did. Joe is a hardworking American who can’t sell books to save his sorry ass and hates children and sick people; therefore, he is a bootstrap-pulling Hero of the Republic. Blago, on the other hand, is a diry thieving socialist. Good day to you, sir!
1000.00 is also six figures.
JohnnyMeatworth: Win.
Vanity Smurf: win
Great Fucking Expectations (because a Senate seat is a valuable thing)
The hair is obviously the talent of this operation. How long before it goes solo?
Zen And The Art Of Being A Crooked Coked Up Tool
Chigao Tribune says: Blagojevich will expose the “dark side of politics” that he witnessed as a former congressman and governor, the release said.
Another type of “If I Did It” book? Or are he & Burris the only good apples in the barrel?
magic titty: spelling fail.
A Children’s Treasury of Inappropriate Poems
note that Blago’s hair remains intact while his entire right side slumps in the heat of scrutiny.
So long, Blago, your hair will be missed.
Now, there was another guv’nor of a distant state who, it was said, would make $7million - $11million
on a book deal. I feel for Blago. He has colorful language and all he gets is 100 large bills. That other guv’nor has no language skills and pulls in 7 to 11 mil.
Life just ain’t fair.
If ever there was a book begging for the trucknutz tag on Amazon, this is it.
Ha! I found a job biatches. You can’t keep good black women like me and Rod B, down!
Okay this is completely off-topic but I just thought you’d enjoy it…
http://conservativebuys.com/cgi-bin/shop/shop/antiobama
I love that courtroom sketch. Blaggy haz a huge sad.
The opening lines from “A Tale of Two Blaggos”:
“It was the worst of times, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Darkness, it was the winter of despair, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct the other way - in short, my tenure as Govenor so far like the State of Illinois, past and present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on my being named Poet Emeritus of the Land of Lincoln.”
coffeeyesplease: Barry even looks good in his Hate paraphanelia. I wonder if one day this will all be kitsch and folks will be collecting ‘em like they collect those sambo and mammy statuettes?
Flatulent Sea Donkey.
I have been laughing about this all day.
Thank you SKS!
With apologies to SNL and Elvis:
Appearing nightly, Blago’s hair.
The judge in that picture is totally nude under his robe.
Bruno: At least JTP doesn’t act victimized and compare him self with world humanitarians…
Yes, but I saw in interview with him this past weekend at CPAC where he was asked if he would consider running for president.
AND HE TOOK THE QUESTION SERIOUSLY. ZOMG this fuck is a deluded buttplug. And comedy gold. Also.
Also is not dead! Long live also!
Ken may ban me for being so hopelessly off-topic, but I’ve got to say this and my husband’s tired of hearing it:
Eric Cantor drives me fucking crazy. Dixie Jew was on Rachel’s show (cozy, how we call liberals by their first names because we all know whom we’re talking about). Put that nasal whine on a loop and force Karl Rove to listen and he will tell us all about the plot to destroy the Justice Dept, etc. Also. It’s all about the jobs.
problemwithcaring: You bet - and they’ve already started…
Fuck it, I’m off topic again. Sorry, Ken, but wonkette needs to monitor the evening talk shows so we can comment.
Finally–Barney Frank channeled what I’ve been saying about that fucking Star Wars defense system. What kind of fatwa did the Iranians declare against Poland? Why are we portecting a lot of vowel-less named people from the Persians.
I’m sorry, Ken, really I am. I took a lortab and couldn’t help myself. If I’m lucky, the editors will let this one go.
Blag Like Me (Mother Fuxking Gold)
Jesus, Gandhi and Me: The Rod Blagojevich Story
DustBowlBlues: You’re just lucky you don’t have Cantor in your state. He’s been a boil on the ass of Virginia politics for years. When I hear the crap that comes out of his brain via that tremulous ooze of a voice, the hair stands up on the back of my neck.
And as long as we’re having an O/T-a-thon, look who’s crawled back up Rush Limbaugh’s ass. Who da man now, Michael?
The easy answer here is his own subscription pr0n website, in which he nails cheap women, and gets dumbass wingnuts to watch for a price (cause they ain’t never seen that afore except with the livestock). No, wait, that’s my plan.
SayItWithWookies: …look who’s crawled back up Rush Limbaugh’s ass.
politico has become the Al-Jazeera to the Republican Party’s Al-Qaeda. If you are a wingtard and need to grovel, make baseless accusations, or float a trial balloon then politico is there for you.
SayItWithWookies: Maybe we should bribe Ken, Sara and Jim into doing an open thread thing when they give us up for the night. Who should would start with?
Tell me that Rush Laffbaugh isn’t the leader of the Republican party, increasing his ratings by dragging them farther into the wilderness. I want the Dems to take to the air with the message Barney Frank said tonight, in plain English: The Rs think deficit spending for giant defense contracts to build weapons to defeat the USSR is great. Roads, green technology, schools? Nah. And of course, that 200 million (billion? After the first $1,000 it’s all just fucking lotto-fantasy money to me) to protect the Poles from the Persians.
But back on our pesonal topic, any Repubtard who has the balls and/or honesty to criticize Laffbaugh always goes crawling back on his belly, begging for forgiveness from that fat fucking drug addict.
And if I recall, it was none other than President Obama (still thrills me to say that) who kicked off the hate fest by declaring Laffbaugh the leader of the Republican party. Once again, the prez is the smartest guy in the room.
I don’t hold Dixie Jew against VA, btw. If I did, I would have to claim responsibility for Inhofe, Coburn and the rest of OK’s wacky congressional lineup.
Good night, and thanks for the chat.
DustBowlBlues: Oh that is a fine idea. Maybe we will start this tomorrow.
DustBowlBlues: It would be fun to have a late-nite playpen. Think of the numbers of suicides we could hypothetically prevent. Oh. And the {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}.
Blago’s working title: My Pet Scapegoat
Blago’s hair finally makes sense. He knew he would be caught eventually and he got to thinking about that Rapunzel story his mom used to read him…
DustBowlBlues after one Lortab makes more sense than Rush Limbaugh completely clean and sober..oh wait, never mind.
It would be classic if blago were sued under a “son of sam” law to recover whatever piddly amount he was paid…
DustBowlBlues: any Repubtard who has the balls and/or honesty to criticize Laffbaugh always goes crawling back on his belly, begging for forgiveness from that fat fucking drug addict.
They’re tied together and they know they don’t have anyone else. Steele would like for the Republicans to appeal to the young, gays and minorities — unfortunately he doesn’t have a clue how to do it without alienating the rich white folks. It makes ditching Rush a pretty empty threat. It’s “No Exit” all over again.
Ken Layne: Oh, excellent! Not that it doesn’t happen anyway, but it would be cool to make it official.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: With a penis pump, no less.
DustBowlBlues: You’re talking about something other than the aimless drunken musings that are happening already, without adult supervision? Count me in!
With apologies to Neilist, here is the actual opening paragraph that was being shipped around to potential publishers:
As far back as I can remember, I knew my hair was different. My hair not only defined me, but pushed me forward. It is still hard for me to believe, but most of my fellow classmates in preschool didn’t even know how to plug in a hair dryer, more or less how to do a proper feather and pop. Their use of product almost made me cry. It was at this point that I realized that they were all against me; wanting to get rid of me so that they could raise the cost of graham crackers and apple juice at play time. Well I would be damned if I was going to let some four-year old get in my mother fucking way.
Boojum: Win!
Ken Layne: Wonkette After Dark: Where the bourbon and buttsex flows. Sure, it will be mostly us west coasters finally chiming in on the day, but it could be fun.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: I look at the picture and imagine that Blaggo’s thoughts are “That judge doesn’t have the hair to judge me…, None of you have the hair to judge me!!!”
SayItWithWookies: Not that biatch ‘Michelle’ Steele - he’s so full of shit his eyes are brown! Hopefully El Douche-o made Steele use the ‘colored’ entrance when coming to grovel…
problemwithcaring: I looked at their crappy CafePress stuff, and honestly, the only ‘hate’ I see might be in the “oh Jeebus, he’s a Muslin!” Star-&-Crescent stuff; that said, I sure see a big bunch of stupidity and copy-cating over there… as if we fine folks of the All-Female Wonkette crew haven’t been referring to G. Dumbya Shrub as “pResident Evil”, the “Selected, not Elected” WH squatter at least once a day since December 2000. Plus, ya gotta love the stone-cold, reality-impaired psychological projecting in such witty turns of a phrase like “Obama is Racist” (takes one to know one, HEGHHNNN?) or “Selected, not Elected” (as if the millions of Whites, Asians, ETC. who voted for Obama weren’t acting on their own reasonably-well informed will, but rather were coerced by some malevolent force… hmm, who could it be… what’s his name… oh yes - SATAN!!?
Yeah, this stuff is way more lame than hateful - you have to shop at FreeRepublic’s CPAC-plus-sized Outlet to get the hard stuff…
assistant/atlas: “Hair today, gone tomorrow.”
[With an acknowledgement to the ever prescient Bugs Bunny.]
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Yours is better. “A touch!
A touch! I do confess it!”
Bearbloke: No, that would be racist — and you know Rush would never do anything racist. Instead, he’d make Steele use the “Take the Bone out of Your Nose” entrance.
Mr Blifil: Hey Man, if you’re gonna turn this place into a Cuddle Party, I’m gonna have to mix a LOT more Ecstasy into the cupcake frosting…
coffeeyesplease: Yes, I did. Thanks.
Fox n Fiends:
For Whom the Indictment Tolls.
The Great Graftsby.
Run, Milorad, Run.
The Scarlet Wiretap
The Sun Also Contributes
The Color Money
The Naked and the Convicted
Gravity’s Anus
The Sound and the Grand Jury
Sense and Sentence
Uncle Blago’s Bank Account
The Adventures of Huckleberry Blagojević
The Valley of the Dolt
Calm at Sunset, Calm at Joliet
I, Blagodious
A Passage to Prison
A Cell with a View
Revised Expectations
The Trouble with Being Burris
S.Luggo: I, Blagodious, cause it’s funny, and has the word odious in it.
NYNYNY: Thank author Robert Graves for a presage of Illinois politics. http://hub.tv-ark.org.uk/images/drama/drama-series_e-k/iclaudius1976a-large.jpg
Lionel Hutz Esq.: “Wonkette in the Dark” sounds a tad dirtier. “Snark in the Dark with David Denby” could be fun for a night or two. Whatever it gets called, I am excited by the prospect of this new late night sandbox whenever the Pope Cat bestows his blessing and formalizes its existence.
Neilist: I liked the poetry of yours. Maybe the two of us should submit a proposal to Blaggo to ghost his memoirs?
Vanity Smurf: I once gave a girlfriend a David Denby in the dark, and she wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks.
Strangely enough, that sounds just right for Wonkette.
S.Luggo: I’m thinking there’s bound to be a community theater musical production to be adapted from this book, possibly even a knock off of Connie and Carla or an episode of The Simpson’s.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Impeachment — “Custody Tomorrow, Vacancies Tonight”
Chiseler on the Roof — “If I Were a Crook, Man,” “Senator, Senator”
My Fair Burris/Blago — “All I Want is a Cell Somewhere,” “I Could Have Talked All Night,” “Just You Wait, Roland Burris”
Hello Blago! — “It Takes a Blago,” “Put on Your Courtroom Clothes”
South Lake Michigan — “Some Indicted Evening,” “Gonna Wash That Fitz Right Outta My Hair,” “Ballyhoo”
The Sound of Moollah — “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Fitzgerald,” “Climb Every Ladder, Exploit Every Child,” “Dough-For-Me”
North Side Story — “Pol Song,” “A Seat Like That/I Have a Seat”
Hair — “The Age of Blagojevich.” “Good Morning, Blago”
Swirlin’ Down the Drain — “All I Do is Dream of Me,” “Blago Supposes”
Chicago Drum Song — “I Enjoy Being a Gov.”
Rod Blagojevich, Superstar
How to Fail in Government Without Even Trying
Ken Layne: PLEASE! That would be so much fun!!!!
I’ll bet it’s a rags-to-rags story.
Vanity Smurf: LOL.
Bearbloke: By hate, I was referring mainly to the bumper stickers that read: “I Hate Barack Obama.”
But yes.
Add Pulitzer-prize winning author to Blago’s unblemished record of dedicated public service. What a guy!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2009/03/this-ones-got-pulitzer-written-all-over.html