Wonkette
Oh, CPAC, why have you left us all alone? Where will we get all of our super easy comedy posts? Will we be forced to work again? Oh well. Let’s say good-bye to the good times with this final CPAC dispatch from our pal Garrett Quinn, who also took this tragic photo of Joe the Plunger’s lame book-signing poster, with a piece of tape on his nose.
Garrett is that rarest of creatures: A libertarian paultard who is also a friend of your Wonkette! He filed some other email dispatches for us, too. Read them, and then read this:
I will never forget my time in DC because I could smell Harry Reid everywhere.
The “It’s OK to be ex-gay” booth was more impressive than any jackass intern dressed as a gay UN sex slave. I really want to riff on them but after interviewing them I actually felt bad for them. Best moment was his response to my question about political involvement.
“Ex-gay” dude: “I don’t participate in political activity. This isn’t a political issue…it’s about love and realizing who you are.”
Ummmm…what? Did you not look around at the booths here? There is a cardboard stand-up of sexy librarian/Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right across from you. I hear she loves “the ex-gheys”
Ann Coulter has a big rack and her neck is even more creepy in person.
I think the pubs of DC conspired against us as everywhere we went, pints suddenly cost $7.50. A fellow Paultard told me that if we had the gold standard the pints would cost less. Potential fundraiser name: Pints for Paul.
The Youth for Western Civilization is an awesomely racist Facebook group. (They’re so racist they wouldn’t pay cheap day-laborin’ Mexicans to build them a website.) They should just change their name to “We hate them wetbacks and beaners U-S-A.”
Mitt Romney’s hair looked great from my perch way in the back of the Regency Ballroom.
Grandpa Paul got up and told us how the Federal Reserve has a giant CFR controlled fire-breathing lizard that will destroy us all. The only way to stop this by pre-ordering his new book: End The Fed. Wicked creative title RP.
There were excess copies of Chuck Norris’ book everywhere. I guess conservatives hate karate masters AND plumbers.
Sadly, I did not find any furries after Day 1.
Any gathering of young political activists (of any stripe) ultimately turns into a booze-fueled shit show orgy. I saw at least three kids puking outside the Omni at 4AM.
www.cpacgirlsgonewild.com is still available.
Rush Limbaugh was clearly going for the Johnny Cash look dressing in all black. I wonder if he’ll try to pull a Joaquin Phoenix.
Andrew Breitbart moderated the best forums at CPAC.
I did not find a vibrating back massage thingy with the Family Research Council logo on it. Please forgive me. I hope I didn’t fail you, Wonkette.
I’m actually hoping for Rush to pull a River Phoenix, but that’s just my personality.
“www.cpacgirlsgonewild.com is still available.”
There’s a good reason why it is. Even preverts (sic) have standards.
Garrett Quinn = Best Paultard Ever?
I saw at least three kids puking outside the Omni at 4AM.
Don’t worry kids — with practice you’ll learn to stifle that gag reflex. Who knew being a conservative boy was so difficult.
In like Quinn.
You’re actually leaving Joe the Dumber behind?!? You should be tracking him like an endangered condor until at least 2011…
Does ‘Garrett Quinn’ really exist, or is Ken just being modest?
Ann’s “rack” is filled with kitten brains.
How long is this thing going on for? I thought a meeting of the greatest Conservative minds would last max, one afternoon (all the coming & going & the bathroom breaks, etc).
I guess they can turn a one-paragraph illogical ethos into a week or more. Sounds like way JTP wrote a “book” out of it as well.
Thank you Garrett Quinn, for bringing the snark over there, so we could ridicule them over here…
Back home, Monday morning.
CPAC Attendee: Dudes, I totally got laid in D.C.
Hand-sock Puppet: Me too, me too!
SayItWithWookies: Obv. it was the LNS guys, prob “Trenholm,” “Winston,” and of course “Reed.”
Damn conservatives. Everything’s always about “we” with them.
Colander: UNADULTERATED FOR THE WINNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111ELEVENNNN!!!!!!!!11
The speed of wit is astounding. And add the 10x first post multiplier! It’s unheard of! I bow to you.
Dear Ron Paul supporters, if you ever want to pay for a transaction in gold, I will accept your offer. But No - Meg-frickin-Whitman goes against the conservative agenda by tying paypal to fiat currency.
Can someone with a marker chnage that 1:20 to say 4:20? Please?
I’m looking for Clint Howard to play Joe in Oliver Stone’s 4-hour biopic, slated for release in 2011.
Did you see the size of the Durex condom in the UN Guy’s photo? It’s almost as wide as those ‘candy bars’ are long. If that’s the stimulus package the UN guys are packing, I know a lot of potential new recruits.
xeonwonder: Soooo tempting to put the tape on the mouth.
Don’t worry JTP, if the book thing doesn’t work out. With that forehead of yours, you have an acting career in front of you in the lead in 10,000 B.C. II. Beyond The Palin can be your bitch you drag around with a club. They’ll show it in so many Polygamy compounds on multifamily night, that you won’t need that “real” plumbers license. There are 2nd acts in American lives!
You know Rush, black isn’t ALWAYS slimming.
Wait…does this mean he’s become so massive he swallows all light near him? Aiee!
Colander: Well put.
norbizness: Or Ron Howard?
I know the Repulican Party is full of closeted males. I didn’t realise that some of them Ilikke your correspondent) were closeted human beings. It must be awfully lonely being sane in such an environment.
Bruno: Those “candy bars” looked to me more like amyl nitrate snappers than candy bars. But, my mind is in the gutter. Also.
Garrett has a bunch of other lulzy photos, like what looks like J.C. Watts or the chocolate version of Joe the Plumber speaking to about 20 people in a “ballroom” festooned with Pajamas TV banners.
A fellow Paultard told me that if we had the gold standard the pints would cost less.
The Gold Standard?
Excerpts from wall posts on the “Youth for Western Civilization” facebook group:
“Great group you’ve got here. I think one of the main messages should be that its OK to be of European descent, and that we don’t have to show phony interest in people who aren’t from western backgrounds.”
“I decided to join YWC because I am extremely tired of seeing my country, the United States, to become a Third World country. I simply want our borders to be closed, enforce our immigration laws to stop illegal immigration, and reduce massive immigration into our land.
What is YWC ultimate goal? If so, how can our objectives become a reality. Besides, we cannot rely on the Minuteman Movement or our political parties to win our hearts and mind to make our problems go away. I am so frustrated that I am thinking about hating politics.”
- Robert Woo, don’t do it! Think of future generations and their subconscious conservative beliefs being repressed by the elitist liberals professing the (laughable) importance of understanding others in order to not repeat mistakes of the past!
And, obviously Greg Darwin from Ontario will be forced to resign from being a California Mayor for this gem on Nov 5: “This is a dark day for your country.”
Also? Total Sausage-Fest.
Of course the price of beer went up! The bartenders charged what the market would bear! Any rabid libertarian should be cheering this decision on as they pony up the cash!
Or did they want some commie socialist scheme to keep the price of beer down?
loudmouthredhead: In his case it is definitely sliming. In fact, the slime oozes out no matter what.
We were mean to CPAC, and it went away. And now I miss it. I’m feeling nostalgic. Remember the car with the bumper stickers and the 13-year old and Joe the Plumber and Rush and the closeted guy looking for action? And now it’s over. Did it promise to write?
HipHopOpotamus: “What is YWC ultimate goal? If so, how can our objectives become a reality.”
When did “What?” become a yes-or-no question?
Thanks again for the updates, Paultard. The next time a bridge plunges into the icy waters of the Mississippi up here in MN, I will raise a stink against raising TAXES for such evil federal pork projects like crossing bodies of water in your honor. I salute you!
Black is usually slimming, but in Rush’s case he just looks like a huge black hole. Ass hole.
“Ann Coulter has a big rack and her neck is even more creepy in person.”
Best example of overstating the obvious, EVER!
YWC: Youth, I guess that’s their excuse; Western, OK; Civilization, definitely not.
Something else to do / play with on a snowy day:
http://gamu-toys.info/sonota/sw/obama/obama.html
Why isn’t that Libertarian busy purifying his own water and digging his own sewer line?
I wish I had thought of “Joe the Plunger.”
WadISay:
http://www.sjcs.co.uk/Drama/Puppets/puppets1.jpg
maybe I’m jaded, but I was dissapointed by the level of crazy out of this years wingnut woodstock.
panel discussions with joe the bummer, larry the cable guy, and derrick the abstanince clowm is one thing
BUT WHERE WAS ALAN KEYES?
it’s pretty clear that the brown/black front men that the repubs have chosen are inadequate
ALAN KEYES MAKES THE CRAZY FALL LIKE RAIN
please fix this
Is it just me, or does Good Old Joe up there look TOTALLY baked?
HipHopOpotamus: This reminds me of something I often did with my ditto head students in the 1990s, before it was cool to dig Barry Obama:
ME: How many of you believe that English should be our “official” language?
CLASS: [Over 90% of hands go up.]
ME: Cool! Then write in English, dittoheads.
CLASS: [Puzzled looks on their face until I mark their grammar, spelling, punctuation, and overall "command" of the "English" "Language".]
ME: [Snickering as midterms are turned, nearly all C-minuses or less.]
CLASS MEMBER: “But I never got a grade this low before!”
ME: Yes, but that’s before you and your P.E. teacher/comp writer decided that English would be our official language. Since you didn’t write in English, I had to mark you down. Since it’s clear that English is your second language (’Merkin is your first), you are to report to the corner Lowe’s for assignment as a day laborer, also.
What no mention of Ann Coulter’s ass? This is not journalism, like I like to think of it.
If the youth were really for western civilization, they’d learn how to take it Socrates-style.
The UN sex slave is standing in front of a whitehouse.com placard. When did that stop being a porn site?
Ann Coulter has a big rack?
Yes, indeed. English is the first language of CPAC wingnuts. See one shining example on the ONLY OFFICIAL facebook page of CPAC (”. . . the ONLY Facebook group officially associated with CPAC.”).
“The next Conservative Political Action Conference was held February 26-28, 2009 at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington, DC.”
I suppose the next “English as a Second Language” Award for Wingnuts ceremony will be held February 29, 2009.
Colander: Give him time. I have every confidence in his ability to achieve that very thing. Rush is one of my Dead Pool entries for this year. Keep Hope Alive!
Jonny Lieberman: No, she doesn’t. She got shortchanged in that area. Her tits are only one cup size bigger than her adam’s apple.
Mr Blifil: Sorry, but this isn’t electron microscopy either.
Fox n Fiends: Point.
“Rush Limbaugh was clearly going for the Johnny Cash look dressing in all black.”
No. He was in “Slimming Black”, as it was called in Pre-war German Vogue.
http://blog.starwreck.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/goering.jpg
CaliforniaMike: That would make them Size D.
“The [neglected] ‘It’s OK to be ex-gay’ booth’ …”
“There were excess copies of Chuck Norris’ book everywhere.”
Coincidence or chance?
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
https://cpac.redstone.army.mil/images/cpac.jpg
Jonny Lieberman: Yes, she has a nice rack, actually. It sits perched aloft a long sad face, with a large bulbous nose,and black vacant eyes staring blankly out to nowhere. She also has one that sags beneath the former.
Rush dresses all in black because he thinks it makes him look less like a morbidly-obese sex tourist. He’s wrong, because while he indeed looks less fat, he looks more like he has a bunch of dead boys buried under his house.
kth: There is a certain Gacy-esque quality to him.