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OUR FIRST MORMON PRESIDENT

Romney Elected Pretend President Again

Four more years!Every year at the Conservative Political Action Conference, flocks of angry young nerds vote on who would make the best president. Every year Mittens “Willard” Romney wins this so-called presidential straw poll, and some years he even runs for “actual” president! He has yet to win, but Republicans’ extremely rigid rules of succession dictate that he at least give it another humiliating whirl in 2012 while Bobby Jindal is groomed for greatness in 2016.

Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin, and the famous obstetrician Dr. Congressman Ron Paul each got an additional 13 or 14 percent of votes. This is probably good news for America, because it suggests that even the most conservative of conservatives aren’t so delusional as to think any of these losers stands a real chance of being president any time soon. But this good news for America is, of course, bad news for Comedy.

Palin/Jindal 2012!

Romney Wins CPAC Poll Again [MSNBC]


9:26 AM on Mon March 2 2009
By Sara K. Smith
3583 Views

  1. Colander says at 9:30 am, March 2nd, 2009

    None of them wants Mikey Steele to run because they know it would be tough to get Larry David on SNL that many weeks in a row.

  2. MISTAHCOUGHDROP says at 9:31 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Oh dear, what has Mittens gotten into now? Can we just give the dope a ball or yarn and tell him not to kill the Robins nesting in the neighbor’s trees? Mitt & Newt 2012?

    Oh, yeah, before the year is up : http://matthew.rose.paris.googlepages.com/impossiblepossibilities2009

    Have a nice week, Wonketeers…

  3. ManchuCandidate says at 9:31 am, March 2nd, 2009

    CPAC. Fudge-pack. What’s the difference?

  4. scaredofthehoya says at 9:33 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Snowbilly/Apu vs. Sambo/Bitch in 2012

    GAME ON!

  5. Mitt be da man!

  6. OReillysVibrator says at 9:44 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Bad news for comedy? The BEST thing about Obama’s election was the guarantee of a Royal Rumble of Idiocy that will be the 2012 Republican debates! Piyush Hussein “Bobby” Jindal! The Lunacy-Baskin’ Alaskan! Newt Gingrich! MITTENS! I think I read the 2nd-best thing about Obama’s election was the country postponing becoming completely destroyed and humanity ending in war, but I know the 2012 Republican debates are definitely the best.

  7. This time he can wear the Magic Underpants (sans jewels) on his head.

  8. President Beeblebrox says at 9:47 am, March 2nd, 2009

    THIS IS GREAT NEWS !!! FOR JOHN McCAIN !!!

    Did anyone go out and hook up with one of those Craigslist CPAC M4M ad posters? Nothing could be hotter than a grudge fuck with a Republican.

  9. bfstevie@yahoo.com says at 9:59 am, March 2nd, 2009

    It’s shocking that Alan Keyes didn’t get enough votes to show up in the poll.

    We’ll have to wait for a meaningful straw poll until this summer, on the Bill Kristol sea cruise.

  10. Gayer Than Thou says at 9:59 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Is it wrong that I find it hot the way he’s putting on those rubber gloves? Or that I like the idea of Mitt as a fudge packer? I mean, I know it’s wrong — but is it really wrong?

  11. Cape Clod says at 10:00 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Mittens is definately the new Pat Paulson

  12. Sussemilch says at 10:02 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Their winning candidate would be the one who is a fiscal conservative - if there were any left in the party.

  13. ThePerfesser says at 10:03 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Oh, GAWD, that picture works at so many levels.
    Especially now with the family jewels in play. So to speak.

  14. Gayer Than Thou says at 10:03 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Gayer Than Thou: So: would you rather be fisted by Mittens, or Hopey? Hmm….

  15. WadISay says at 10:03 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Tim Pawlenty got totally stiffed on this poll; and after McCain passed him over for the snowbilly. This reminds me of Woody Allen striking out with the prostitute.

  16. Nerdalicious says at 10:12 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Thanks Wonkettes for reprinting the classic Mittens/Fudge/Rubber Gloves pic as I asked. :). Sometimes life just hands us little gifts like this pic & the Family Jewels thingy & an 800 lb Limbaugh dressed in 8,000 yards of black cloth thinking it’s “slimming” or is that “slimeing”? Did he have to take oxygen mask breaks & wipe down his Neanderthal brow due to detoxing from 20 prescrition drugs during a 1 hr incoherent diatribe?

  17. blader says at 10:13 am, March 2nd, 2009

    ThePerfesser:
    Everytime I look at that picture I have to remind myself it is NOT Rudolf Hess preparing to conduct a rectal examination.

  18. hedgehog says at 10:17 am, March 2nd, 2009

    All of this is assuming there will be a United States in 2012. Given the current trendline, Obama will be President of a pile of ashes at that point.

  19. Mr Blifil says at 10:20 am, March 2nd, 2009

    It’ll be McCain back for the rematch, with a titanium hip and some skin grafts for the face cancer. He’s feisty!

  20. President Beeblebrox says at 10:21 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Gayer Than Thou: Hey, if Barry and Michelle are into fisting, Mitt and Ann can be too. 2009 will be marked as the year when brachioproctic eroticism finally hits the mainstream. Max Hardcore went to jail for it - but Barry and Mitt will be our new political heroes for the same thing!

    Sorry, it’s a snow day so I’ve hit the beer earlier than normal.

  21. ManchuCandidate says at 10:29 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Mr Blifil:
    “John McCain, senator. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic Preznit. John McCain will be that man. Better than he was before. Older, Walnuttier, Krazier.”

  22. bitchincamaro says at 10:31 am, March 2nd, 2009

    hedgehog: At which time Rudy 9uil1an1 to the rescue!

  23. President Beeblebrox says at 10:37 am, March 2nd, 2009

    See? I told you Romney was into fisting. At least teh konservativez think he is because Massachusetts schools were supposedly teaching kids about it. Also.

    http://www.massresistance.org/docs/marriage/romney/record/

  24. hedgehog: At least Romney can save the rubber surgical glove industry.

  25. Mustang says at 10:55 am, March 2nd, 2009

    I keep saying that Mittsy is the best choice. I would SO vote for him if I were a rich ‘n’ greedy. And also the ignoramuses would vote for him because he is “handsome” and smarmy. I feel a song coming on.

    Walnuts and wing nuts and truck nutz and Mittens … these are a few of my favorite things!

  26. TheGlow says at 11:00 am, March 2nd, 2009

    President Beeblebrox: Please. Ann Romney’s ass is so tight, Mitt couldn’t even get the enema nozzle in.

  27. President Beeblebrox says at 11:03 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Mustang: Romney won’t ever get the nomination because he wears those magical underpants. When faced with a choice between unelectable class-warfare demagogues and a possibly electable guy who’s incidentally a Mormon, guess who the Republicans will choose?

  28. Peanut Inspector says at 11:05 am, March 2nd, 2009

    A theory: Jindal, Limbaugh, Mittens and Palin have been raised in the Republican spotlight, so that by comparison Newt will be viewed as an “intellectual” in 2012.

  29. DoctorCulturae says at 11:10 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Peanut Inspector: Intriguing notion. So we’re going to party like it’s 1994.

  30. Peanut Inspector says at 11:16 am, March 2nd, 2009

    DoctorCulturae: Ou sont les neiges d’antan?

  31. Nerdalicious says at 11:23 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Peanut Inspector:
    Exactly.

  32. Mr Blifil says at 11:33 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Is that Mitt’s idea of “stimulating the package?”

  33. Mr Blifil says at 11:34 am, March 2nd, 2009

    ManchuCandidate: The Manchurian Cyborg. Heh.

  34. chascates says at 11:35 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Peanut Inspector: He already is seen that way. Yesterday’s NY Times magazine had him as their cover story–the Man of Ideas. He sees himself as the Brain of the Republicans.
    I agree.

  35. DoctorCulturae says at 11:37 am, March 2nd, 2009

    Peanut Inspector: With today’s ‘whether’ - all around us.

  36. lawrenceofthedesert says at 11:38 am, March 2nd, 2009

    blader: Not exactly — that’s a Mormon Mengele smile if ever there was.

  37. Mustang says at 12:19 pm, March 2nd, 2009

    President Beeblebrox: I dunno. A bunch of people voted for a magic negro in this election, which surprised a lot of people.

  38. President Beeblebrox says at 12:33 pm, March 2nd, 2009

    Mustang: At the rate the GOP is going, their 2012 ticket will be Stassen/Quayle.

  39. xeonwonder says at 12:41 pm, March 2nd, 2009

    Brains and republicans - aren’t those mutually exclusive? On the other hand, partying like it’s 1994 is much better then partying like it’s 1929.

  40. mylesfromnowhere says at 12:55 pm, March 2nd, 2009

    Mittens prepares to deliver the “savior” of the GOP, a bouncing 13-year old, their last great hope of taking back the White House in 2031!! Krohn/Palin ‘31…change I’ll believe by then. by then, I’ll believe anything.

  41. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 1:17 pm, March 2nd, 2009

    Well, now that we know what the crazies think, it will be fun to watch the Republicans fall over themselves trying to make them happy.

  42. wickedlittledoll says at 3:04 pm, March 2nd, 2009

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