still older than bobby jindal

Thirteen-Year-Old Declared New Emperor Of GOP

We know we’re asking a lot here, but as you watch young master Jonathan Krohn address the mouth-breathers at CPAC today, please be… nice… in your comments, as he is only 13 years old. In five years, when he is “legal,” you will be more than welcome to call him, say, a twat? But yes, this is what’s happening to conservatism: a 13-year-old is writing all of its important books and explaining governing philosophy to the adults (in age only). And you better believe that current GOP leader Joe the Plumber feels threatened. [HuffPo, YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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222 comments

  1. tawaen

    “Respect for the constitution, small government, personal responsibility…”

    HAHAHAHAHAhaha! Comedy gold! This kid is totally the best stand up comedian evar!

  2. EnBuenOra

    What the conservative movement has been lacking for the last 30 years is clearly the perspective of over-exuberant 13 year old boys.

    This will save them.

  3. Scarab

    Coincidentally, after his speech Krohn got into a heated argument in the lobby of the Omni Shoreham hotel and beat the crap out of Bobby Jindal.

  4. Hooray For Anything

    I want the draft reinstated just so he can get drafted, sent to Afghanistan, and fragged by his fellow soldiers.

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    My God, he talks & gesticulates just like Glenn Beck. He’s like the love child of Glen Beck & David Brooks.

  6. Nerdalicious

    Remember when Dubya Jr. was the Boy Wonder? Anyway, is Little Lord Fauntleroy from the Mumbai slums? If not then Pffffffffft.

  7. dasplatten

    I will wait until he’s an adult to call him a twat, but I will call him a little douchebag today.

  8. Atheist Nun

    OK, kid, looks like I’m gonna have to spell it out for you… The republicans are not applauding what you’re saying, the republicans want to have sex with you because you are a 13 year old boy.

    Run, fast.

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    His tender age is no excuse for willful ignorance. My 13-year-old daughter wouldn’t believe that kinda BS even though she buys in wholesale to Harry Potter Mythology, Animorphs, Eragon, and Catholicism.

  10. Scarab

    Screw ‘rock star’ or ‘extreme snowboarder’, what healthy young boy doesn’t grow up dreaming of speaking to a room full of middle aged bigots?

  11. Beef Supreme

    “I’ve only got 2 minutes, so I better make this quick.”

    I bet a thirteen year old boy hears that a lot at CPAC.

  12. Vanity Smurf

    [re=255164]justlen[/re]: That assumes he doesn’t have teh ghey. In which case there are many wingtips at CPAC that would be ready to take the place of her snow boots.

  13. miss_emish

    This quote from the article above, sort of makes my week:

    He talks fast and with high-pitched emotion (no cracking of the voice), often banging his two fists against the table (each one holding a pen) for dramatic effect. His mother, naturally protective, reminds him at one point that he’s talking to a reporter from the Huffington Post.

  14. hageesheart

    [re=255147]Homo Motors[/re]: It really is, isn’t it?

    And, anyway, a kid with (presumably) little life experience is a pretty reasonable advocate for whateverthefuck it is that modern conservatives try to believe in. Also, kid’s a lot more articulate than, say, a Buchanan or a Coulter. Well. Less rabid-sounding, anyway.

  15. imissopus

    “It’s okay kids, I used to believe in things too.” – Homer Simpson

    Just because you asked, Newell, twat is the only derogatory term I will not use for this kid today.

    Sadly he’ll probably lose his virginity this weekend because some Republican shitsack will be so blown away by his precociousness she’ll take it upon herself to deflower him. The only way that will amuse me is if that shitsack is Larry Craig.

  16. Fivetree

    Didn’t this kid’s nanny hang herself or something? Why do I hear baying hounds in the background?

  17. Hooray For Anything

    [re=255180]bitchincamaro[/re]: He probably does, but to video tapes of Alan Greenspan reciting financial policy, Anne Coulter blow up dolls, and pictures of Reagan.

    [re=255175]Scarab[/re]: Ha!

  18. Walnuts is my Co-Pilot

    Pursonol Reesponsabillitee: ur doin it rong.

    I’m quite upset that he can’t take Jindal’s place in 2012. ‘Krohn’s Disease 2012′ had a nice ring to it.

  19. policonoclast

    Uh oh. He’s good. But if you simply listen to his cadence and style of emphasis, it’s pure Rush. Just lower his voice in your mind by a few octaves. He’s mimicking Rush.

  20. Country Club Jihadi

    Little Mister Jazz Hands needs to be the pinata at my next birthday party. Inside Edition’s Debora Norville named him “Atlanta’s Most Talented Child” in 2006.

  21. Hooray For Anything

    I think the NY Times just found their new conservative columnist. It’s not like he can say anything more idiotic than Kristol

  22. MortSinclair

    My Gawd. I think he’s wearing eye shadow and lipstick, too.

    Yup. He’s a Republican.

    Make sure he’s not around any small animals.

  23. Trace

    No, no, we’re allowed to call him a twat, remember? Michelle Malkin and other conservatives declared that kids who talk politics are fair game.

  24. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Why did they cut the video before Chris Hansen stepped out and confronted the pedophiles in the room?

  25. BruceLee5000

    [re=255155]Vanity Smurf[/re]: FOR THE WIN!!!

    They should just immediately DONATE him to MARK FOLEY and LARRY CRAIG so he can start CRAMMING early for the 2014 Bohemian Grove Anal Initiation ceremony!

  26. BruceLee5000

    You know, all the Bible nutz were calling Barry the Anti-Christ, but I think the REAL 666 will come from this kid busting his FIRST diseased nut into Sarah Pallin’s spoiled, decrepit, womb/tomb. Such evil requires appropriately evil extremities to gestate between. Like a demonic ball bearing held neutral between two satanic, electro-magnets.

    I’m sorry. I think my first after-work Gin and Juice and Vicodin is starting to kick in.

  27. katrina

    First inspired by Bill Bennett’s radio show. Check.
    Played “John” in the stage production of “Peter Pan”. Check
    Condescending to smartest guy on radio, Thom Hartmann, yesterday. Check.
    My prediction: B.Box will be telling him to not be so “dramatic” on the floor
    of the Senate 10 years from now.

  28. OffTheRecord

    Before watching the video I felt kind of sorry for him because I have mothering instincts that will not be silenced and really we all thought some pretty dumbass things when we were 13. But then I watched the video. Just no. He is a lost cause. Let’s just cut him loose to get on with his life as a conservative asshat.

  29. iwillsavethispatient

    Reminds me of William Hague at the Tory Party Conference in the 80s.

    Which means, he’ll grow up, grow bald, and become a failing GOP party leader.

  30. teebob2000

    [re=255177]miss_emish: I bet he has a Regan doll he still secretly sleeps with.[/re]

    “Johnny, we need you to point to Mr Reagan where the congressman put his wiener.”

  31. billy rubin

    The future of the Republican party: an spasmodic stream of walking gimmicks. At this rate, furries will be keynote speakers at these fucking things by the next mid-term elections.

  32. GreatSatan

    Yes, this is very disturbing, and yes, pedophilia and everything, but there are two things that come most forcefully to mind when I watch this lil’ tyke with his Alex P. Keaton suit and his Tucker Carlson talking points straight out of the Junior Evildoers kit:

    1. He’s got more charisma than all of the 2012 contenders combined, especially that Sesame Street muppet from Louisiana.

    2. He’s going to be profoundly embarrassed by this when he’s twenty-five and he’s just helped vote Magic Barry into his fourth term in office. Do you remember YOUR politics at thirteen?

  33. Serolf Divad

    The snake handlers have a penchant for child preachers, too. So this sort of thing manifesting itself in CPAC isn’t all that surprising.

  34. Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul

    When I was 13 I spent all my free time studying the art of masturbation. But of course the pleasure & guilt thing is always different with other people.

  35. Pizzuti

    I suspect that “he” is secretly a 35-year-old lesbian. I know enough of them to understand how easily they can pass as 13-year-old boys.

    Otherwise, he’s a fairly bright kid, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up turning liberal by the time he reaches the age of 18.

  36. Pizzuti

    In other news, this kid can NOT grow up mentally healthy. Nobody who’s told he’s a genius by his country club parents under the age of 10 grows up mentally healthy.

  37. shortsshortsshorts

    “A lot of people don’t know conservative principles know conservative policy” is the quote OF THE MONTH. LAVISH HIM WITH SMART-GIFTS AND SUCH.

  38. El Pinche

    Ok, are there any grownups in the repug party?

    I hope he has parents to protect him there. CPAC is essentially NAMBLA with taxcuts.

  39. Hooray For Anything

    Is it mean to kinda hope that his parents are either in the banking business or real estate and lose their jobs and as a result they lose their health care, he’s forced to go to public school (hopefully in the poorer sections of Atlanta and hopefully it’ll involve having to use public transportation to get there because they’re SUV got reposessed) and they can’t afford to send him to a universityl? Or maybe that he listens to Bill Bennet long enough to blow the family fortunes playing Texas Hold Em in Vegas?

  40. hobgoblin of little minds

    They’re using him as bait. Chris Hansen is lying in wait somewhere, camera crew ready.

  41. Orangeen

    I watched this on tv, and since he was sandwiched (um…you know) between a bunch of College Republicans who were bitching about how their liberal professors had some giant conspiracy against them and targeted them in the form of bad grades, this looked endearing in comparison. And I gave him points for saying that the term socialism was thrown around too much during the campaign without people actually knowing what it meant…do you think the audience got the irony? I mean, at least he didn’t sneak in a “NOBAMA!” or “Not everyone our age supports OBAMUNISM” (yes, someone right before him had said that). Though I read at the Sam Stein link that he supports Newt for president, so I may have to rethink being so charitable toward him.

  42. josereyes.theroof

    I am going to go Clockwork Orange on this droog & force him to stay awake as I play the first four Eminem albums on a loop. Then we’ll see how much of a Randroid he is.

  43. assistant/atlas

    [re=255272]GreatSatan[/re]: “Do you remember YOUR politics at thirteen?” Yes, I was pro-boobs and anti-home-schooling.

    Actually, I attended a Concord Coalition budget roundtable at 14 and chaired a committee of adults that crafted a (theoretical) budget that lowered taxes on the poor and middle class, raised gas taxes to fund clean energy, taxed the rich to pay for healthcare for the poors, changed capital gains rates to combat financial shenanigans, slimmed down the military and ran a surplus…and then I shamed everyone in the room for not also achieving surpluses with a line like “Gee, thanks, everybody, I guess I’ll just pay off all those debts for you someday.”

    Even then, I was a librul communist muslin. If only the Democrats had been similarly starved for leadership.

    The point is, no excuses–this kid can suck it (but not in a gross Republican way).

  44. AnnieGetYourFun

    When he started talking about the “peoples’ rights”, I was sort of worried that the conservatives would get up and lynch him for socialist ideas.

    He must have really made Joe Wurzelbachensteinerwhiner piss his pants. Joe’s never met a monosyllabic word that wasn’t too much for him.

  45. xeonwonder

    “He talks fast and with high-pitched emotion (no cracking of the voice), often banging his two fists against the table (each one holding a pen) for dramatic effect.”

    Why does that mannerism remind me of some other fascist…..?

    That aside, I am willing to bet this little boy (this poor little boy who obviously believes every pre-chewed spoonful he gets) probably doesn’t have many friends. When I was in high school the kids who talked like that were self described “Nazi punks” whom pretty much got their asses kicked by everyone. Maybe one day he will learn basic critical thinking skills and rise above. If not, I foresee much buttsecks for him.

  46. MortSinclair

    [re=255321]Stassen-Paulsen[/re]: I voted for Stassen-Paulsen in, um, 1926 I think it was in my first election. Personally, I thought Harold Stassen was hot, in an elderly sort of way.

  47. NunnaTheSOBs

    he reminds me of those little smartass
    12 year old southern boys that get “called
    to preach” in some damn backwoods holy roller
    church.

    the little prick will tell his elders about
    “the wages of sin”, and the little fuck
    has never even kissed a girl.

    this is the kid they had in mind when they
    came up with the bumper sticker:

    “my kid beat up your honor student”.

  48. Guppy06

    Dear little priestbait, you may have a book deal, but I’m enfranchised. And in four years, when Barry is seeking his second term, you’ll be a has-been, but still unable to vote.

    (That, and I can buy liquor, which is far more meaningful.)

  49. PAbitter

    [re=255186]hageesheart[/re]: Meh… I’ve heard the same talking points from people who consider themselves “reasonable conservatives” too often for me to be all that impressed. Especially if he actually listens to talk radio for hours everyday. He’s been trained in the talking points by now. After listening for awhile, you pick up the style, cadence and (if you actually believe, I’m sure) the marching orders.

    [re=255272]GreatSatan[/re]: When I was 13 I was making the point that if there were actually weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, then invading would be, all in all, a rather silly idea. How was Saddam going to use them on Americans, when we lived halfway across the globe? Give them to terrorists? Not a chance: he was a megalomaniac and would never have given up that power, unless by that point he had nothing left to lose. Like if the Americans invaded his country and deposed him. That would have made that scenario very likely. Also, invading would have given him a whole bundle of Americans to kill, something that otherwise might not have been all that likely.
    That was actually when I started to become the pinko commie I am today.

  50. GreatSatan

    [re=255314]assistant/atlas[/re]: Well, that’s all very impressive.

    Nonetheless, most of us were idiots about politics at thirteen. Those of us who understood it were often so taken with our own precociousness and the way adults around us swooned at our using the big words that we had trouble with the whole human side of it. It’s hard at that self-absorbed age to look at homeless people as people and not as, say, losers. Some people (I’m looking at you, Mr. Santelli), never quite grow out of it.

    I’m just saying there’s hope for the little bastard, even if his first reader probably was an Ayn Rand pop-up.

  51. coldbrew2

    too bad he will soon find out when he falls in love with his boyfriend that CPAC won’t accept their love.

  52. wavingnotdrowning

    I apologize for responding seriously, but someone’s already made my priest and twat jokes.

    This kid’s conservative principal is precisely why conservativism has gone bye-bye. It was enacted for 30 years, just as Communism was enacted on principle. And we’ve all been stung by the hairy spider under its skirt. So conservative principle is the new boogeyman for a generation. “Bush” is the new “Carter.” And liberalism is the new pragmatism, more math tool than ideology. When conservatives figure out how to be human beings who give a shit about other people, then maybe we’ll talk again.

  53. CaliforniaMike

    Poor little bastard. This is what happens to kids in seventh grade when they have to take showers after gym class and listen to the jocks make fun of their little snausages.

  54. CaliforniaMike

    If all else fails, the li’l guy can be either the first Mr. Ann Coulter or the fourth Mrs. Rush Limbaugh.

  55. S.Luggo

    If you emptied a box of toothpicks onto the floor, Jonathan could immediately total them.

    Piyush, your presidential ambitions are no longer safe.

  56. hoboking

    Cut the lil’ orator some slack.

    I mean he described ‘conservatism’ in a way that sounded harmless enough. His only real problem is that he failed to make the leap many Republicans fail to make – that the GOP is not ‘Conservative’, it’s ‘Reactionary’…

    Plus if he’s this rightist now, imagine his rebellion when puberty kicks in, kid’s gonna go so left he’ll start shaving his head and trying to grow a frail goatee, but just to look more like V.I. Lenin.

  57. RootSnappage

    Would love to see Coulter hang himself from rafters while the brat was speaking, screaming “I’m doing it for you, Jonathan!”

  58. CaliforniaMike

    In 2040, it’s going to be Krohn/Palin (Trig, of course) running to prevent President Malia from getting re-elected. VP Beau Biden will school Trig in the debate to turn the tide.

  59. Bearbloke

    [re=255272]GreatSatan[/re]: I sure as hell do remember my politics at 13! In fact I remember where I was when Hinkley met Reagan, and the great feeling my group had running through the halls & quad gleefully shouting “Reagan’s dead! Reagan’ dead! The vice-principal who I almost knocked down (’cause the little prick took a “They Shall Not Pass” stance right in front on me) turned beet-red as he started shouting about “showing some GODDAM RESPECT, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!!”… I immediately went to a payphone (remember those?) and called my dad, who let everyone know that he wasn’t having “you people shoutin’ at my boy, or else there’s gonna be some REAL PROBLEMS RIGHT HERE!” The principal & the vice backed down. I was grounded for a week when I got home, and steered clear of the Authority-bots for a while, AND got weeks worth of nasty looks from my English teacher, but it was all worth it.

    That, and marching (with Dad) in the nationwide protest oppossing the Reagan Admin’s opposition of and official MLK day holiday, are the two political events I remember from when I was 13.

  60. TeddyS

    Already seen this show, back when it was the Ralph Reed Comedy Hour. This has been one hell of a convention and spotlights exactly where these knuckle-draggers are today.

  61. Bearbloke

    [re=255366]CaliforniaMike[/re]: Sorry to wonk-block you, but Trig still won’t be old enough in 2040…

  62. fatman

    Heh, S.Luggo,

    More like that Stephen King movie where Christopher Walken and Brooke Adams battle Tom Skerrit in the “Dead Zone”

  63. lawrenceofthedesert

    Any kid smart enough to take his bar mitzvah speech on the road and make even more money off of it will wind up very wealthy, if he can avoid the usual pitfalls and her father’s business.

  64. Bruno

    “Conservatism, Conservatism, let me define Conservatism: Conservatism”

    You’re not supposed to define something by using the same word you are defining.

  65. Darkness

    You know, the arrested emotional development from five years old does not look anywhere near as bad on a thirteen year old.

  66. CaliforniaMike

    The climax, so to speak, of this year’s CPAC, will be Ann Coulter deflowering young Jonathan on stage and then turning him over to Mark Foley, who demonstrates alternate lifestyles, GOP-style.

  67. KennedyAG

    As ridiculous as this may sound, I think that this kid may be onto something. I’m not suggesting that his beliefs are correct or that his arguments are very good, but what he has done is attempted to interrogate the fundamental aspects of American conservatism. It’s sad that the first person to do this is a 13-year-old boy, but I won’t hold it against him. He has approached the notion of conservatism, and to the best of his abilities, he has presented four fundamental tenets of the subject. While his assertions may not be appropriate or accurate reflections of reality, to my knowledge there has never really been a book published (at least not one that has been widely publicized) that attempts to investigate the fundamentals of conservatism. We get the occasional blather of Sean Hannity or Ann Coulter that claim to be laying out the conservative belief system, but they never really draw any wider implications of that system. Their writing is more like a checklist of things to think if you want to be a good conservative.
    What he has produced is a document that provides a basis for interrogating logical pitfalls within the fundamental aspects of conservatism. We can use this book as a preliminary hypothesis on conservatism, the first draft of a theory, if you will. From this we can begin to understand the true implications of some of these assertions. Where the theory is lacking, it can be amended. Where it is fundamentally contradictory, we find opportunities for conservatives to reexamine and eventually alter some of their ideological beliefs to generate a more cogent and elegant system for understanding conservatism and its role in society.
    Conservatives should not regard this alteration of the theory as an “Oops! We were wrong” moment. Rather, this sort of reexamination of values provides them with an opportunity to redefine their beliefs and say “Now we are right”. Whether conservatives are willing to fundamentally redefine themselves is a different story entirely. If they do not seize this opportunity but instead “re-brand” themselves without fundamentally changing, then they will ultimately be doing themselves and their country a tremendous disservice.
    One of the things, specifically, that I noticed as an opportunity for fundamental change is the way that two “categories of principle” currently exist in conflict. These are Life and Personal Responsibility. The argument begins to deteriorate when we consider the traditional conservative approach to homelessness. This is that homelessness is a product of unwise choices that a person makes. Thus, it is not the taxpayers’ responsibility to bare the weight of homelessness, but rather, by virtue of Personal Responsibility, it is people’s responsibility to look out for themselves. However, when this “personal responsibility” results in the death of homeless (i.e. Winter), this notion comes into tremendous conflict with the core principle of “Life”. The conservative must therefore decide which of these tenets is more sacred. Does Personal Responsibility trump Life? Is it right that the homeless man should die for the sake of societal personal responsibility? It is a question is rarely posed to most people and one to which most serious people would respond in the negative. It is this type of redefinition that will end up serving the Republican Party well, and, though again it’s sad that this is coming from a kid, this is the opportunity that Krohn offers.

  68. Bruno

    How come every Conservative pundit needs to have a sterotype?

    Tall blonde, fat asshole, asian girl, toupeed grandpa, prep-school preppie, wunderkid, bald plumber, moose killer, closeted gayz

  69. Bruno

    [re=255390]KennedyAG[/re]: So basically you are saying this is the first person to give any thought to the party’s tenents. That’s a horribly frightening statement on the adult leadership of the party, but they love idols and maybe this is their Haysoos. We sure know it wasn’t Caribou Barbie or JTP.

  70. CaliforniaMike

    The problem with conservatism is that it is really only about one thing. For all the window dressing they put on it, conservatism is about rich people getting to keep all their money, fuck underage boys (and occasionally girls) and take whatever they want from other countries.

    If conservatism really were ascendant, Dick Cheney would have the Mona Lisa in his lair, Rush Limbaugh would have two Dominican towel boys servicing him during his show and Newt Gingrich would have changed his name to Knute (more manly, less lizardy).

  71. CaliforniaMike

    This kid has “future school shooter” written all over him.

    Just watch, next year some big kid will take a shit on his science project while another one gives him an atomic wedgie.

    Columbine, Georgia-style.

  72. stopmebeforeitypeagain

    [re=255155]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Can’t wait until he’s a Congressional Page. Neither can he.

  73. Reefpilot

    [re=255390]KennedyAG[/re]:

    I think I see what you’re getting at. Kinda like the chicken and the egg, the god and the jesus, the mark foley and the page.

  74. stopmebeforeitypeagain

    When I was thirteen I was into vaseline and anarcho-syndicalism, which I thought had something to do with Barry Goldwater.

    Then I discovered coed push-ups and the New Left. I never looked back.

  75. schvitzatura

    So many people throwing around the word “conservative”, and “liberal”, and “socialism”.

    and not enough people throwing around the words “muslin”, “paultard”, and “twatwaffle”…

    Urkeltard P. Keaton’s epistemological modesty is infinitely expanding. Brooksie will be out of a job in a fortnight.

  76. AxmxZ

    Let the GOP rejoice in this child-god while they may: in a few months, he’ll hit puberty and discover how to masturbate with his dick instead of his mouth. And then they’ll have lost him forever.

  77. AxmxZ

    [re=255400]CaliforniaMike[/re]: I’ve never understood that about Newt. Who names their kid Newt? Especially in the days before Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when you couldn’t even explain it away as an unfortunate gag?

  78. CaliforniaMike

    [re=255418]AxmxZ[/re]: I don’t even think it’s short for Newton, which might make some sense if you can believe that some Georgia hillbillies wanted to name their little rug rat after Sir Isaac Newton and thought “Ike” was too Jewish.

  79. CaliforniaMike

    [re=255417]AxmxZ[/re]: I can just picture this kid in 30 years, home from his accounting job and pissed off that his wife made fish sticks again. He lets her go off to bed after shooting all over her face and then sits there, long into the night, watching this video over and over again and remembering when he was somebody.

  80. Colander

    [re=255390]KennedyAG[/re]: Dude. They’re just afraid of negating the beliefs they were taught, whether they believe them or not. To even publish a book or acknowledge those points would seem like a waste of time to them. You are talking about conservative thinkers, not the conservative populace. They may want similar things, but it’s likely for different reasons. It’s a farce. They’re just using people to get votes or whatever.

    And, yeah, some paragraphs would trick people into thinking your comment wasn’t as long as it is.

  81. McGomer

    I’d like to hear more about his transition from worshiping Bill Bennett to learning to think for himself.

  82. Low overhang

    The lad should tutor under flush dimbulb he could find out what a true conservative can do with a cigar, oops I meant idea

    pills also

  83. OffTheRecord

    [re=255272]GreatSatan[/re]: When I was 13 I was defending Bill Clinton’s right to get a blow job from an intern. I stand by this decision.

    However, when I was 7 I wanted my mom to vote for Bush instead of Clinton. I am still ashamed.

  84. katrina

    “The modern conservative is engaged in one of mankind’s oldest pursuits; finding a moral justification for
    greed”. John Kenneth Galbraith
    And also.

  85. S.Luggo

    [re=255402]CaliforniaMike[/re]: I might agree. But this kid sounds like he would be unable to remove the two staples from the centerfold of a Playboy without jabbing his forefingers and bleeding wildly and profusely all over his parents‘ fuzzy bathroom rug. And then, cross-eyed, swooning headfirst into the family bathtub.

    Believe me, that does damn well smart.

  86. flyingspaghettimonster

    and then Beverly LaHaye and her son Tim had him dismembered and used his limbs for dildoes.

  87. S.Luggo

    [re=255446]katrina[/re]: Accepted, excluding the phrase, “finding a moral justification for”.

    To date, I can’t recall a Conserve giving a moral justification for any action. The justification is economic, political, ethnic, religious (which is different from personal morality), or Social Darwinism (the poor will always be poor because they cannot help but to be poor.)

  88. Valentine Flintheart

    His “two minute” speech is three minutes long.

    Yeah, that sounds like Conservative math.

  89. Catholics4Condoms

    When I was 13 wanted to be a warrior god that defeated the USSR with a small squad. By 14 I was a pacifist pinko.

    I heard this kid on Thom Hartmann. I got from him that the three parts of the conservative movement are: 1.Anti-Big Government Free Marketers, 2. Anti-Gay, Anti-Abortion (Christian), and 3. Security Hawks.

    I signed on to conservative site Redstate.org and made a post that said that according to the Gospels, Christian ethics are contradictory to unrestraint wealth seeking and militarism. I got a response to my e-mail someone complaining that I’m painting conservatives with a broad brush. Dividing into separate categories is painting with a broad brush? What a bunch of whiny punk-assed bitches. I can’t even log in to reply to the reply. I get a 601 database redigestation error.

    Anyway this kid sounds smart, in that he can actually organize his ideas. On the radio debating a liberal host he got a little touchy. His voice gets even higher. I predict that he give the keynote address at the 2012 Democratic convention. “I used to be a conservative. WHen I was six I saw the twin towers go down and I was so scared of the muslinislamofascists. Then in High School I fell in love with an arab-american. Our love was forbidden. I learned that muslims have their wacko conservative wingnuts too. That’s who attacked us in 2001. I learned that the true enemy was not islam but conservatism.”

  90. BuckfullerMincedher

    I’ll bet this cute little rising star had plenty of invites to Rick Santelli’s teabagging party.

  91. Continuum

    OK – I just want to know where this kid was brainwashed . . . . errrrr . . . . . I mean home-schooled.

  92. MrsNateSilver

    I wonder if Nate Silver was like this — mannerism-wise — but with liberal ideas, at age 13. I betcha he was.

  93. loquaciousmusic

    As a middle school teacher, this just pisses me off. This kid has no idea what he’s saying, and the puppeteering is despicable. He may be bright, certainly, and he may be well spoken, definitely. But I know a lot of bright, well-spoken middle school kids who don’t know anything about anything.

    And can you imagine if this young man was espousing liberal beliefs? He’d be eviscerated by the Right.

  94. PsycGirl

    [re=255366]CaliforniaMike[/re]: If Sarah can hold out long enough we could see a Palin/Krohn ticket. The speeches will sound the same delivered backward and forward. Much like McCain/Palin now that I think of it.

  95. AliseHyun

    @Mort, that’s exactly what I saw when I watched the performance. Give the kid a few years and maybe he’ll do an exposé like MarJoe did.

    Oh, and don’t worry too much about dating yourself, although anything more serious is a physical impossibility.

  96. off-white working class

    that video was so bad i almost shoved MYSELF in a locker w/a complementary wedgie. almost.

  97. Kim Bong il

    The scary part is that these are not likely the rich people, who have the greatest grievance against tax hikes, but rather lower life form idiots who are either blinded by religion, nationalism or militarism.

    these yokes used to be useful to the rich people by blindly carrying their water for “Republican issues” and showing up at the polls, but are now turning the party into a laughingstock.

    they get people riled up to vote for a pro life candidate, who gets elected, lowers taxes for the rich and does not change the abortion landscape in one iota.

    it is actually a little too bad that the Republicans have gone so far off the planet because you have to be little nervous about a Democratic Congress that has a near limitless credit card. some sane dissent could have be useful for both the stimulus and omnibus bills that have passed

  98. Poliscide

    A couple of points:

    The only place I could find his book for sale was on some obscure Georgia-based e-solutions store called nuePoint. I smell vanity press. Can you really call yourself a published author when you paid out-of-pocket for your book to be printed and distributed?

    His misspells HIS OWN NAME on his website. He signs off saying “May God Bless the United States of America – Jonhn”. Pretty pathetic, even for a thirteen year old.

    Conclusion: he’s only thirteen, but he’s already a total fraud. That was fast.

  99. meg9

    Why do I get the feeling that this little kid doesn’t have any friends? And why do I also get the feeling that I’ll run into him on campus at Georgetown in a few years?

    I would like to treat this poor little guy to a cheeseburger and fries at five guys, and a trip to the spy museum. Let the kids be kids please!

  100. kreampuff

    Anyone here see the movie “Toy” starring Richard Pryor?

    This boy IS “Master Bates” from that movie. (Before he became liberalized by Pryor’s character)

  101. swizzard

    I wanna lobby for an earmark to spend tax dollars to form a committee to oversee the creation of a union-made locker we can pay unemployed people to shove this kid into.

  102. JDHART

    Oh yeah kid, Republicans are all about protecting the Constitution. How’d that go with that great Republican defender of human rights and all around hero of the Constitution, George W. Bush? You do seem to subscribe to his belief that simply saying something outloud makes it true. Whatever. You’re young with wingnut parents. Who knows, you might get better.

    And your voice isn’t nearly nasal-y enough. You should work on that.

  103. loquaciousmusic

    [re=255523]JDHART[/re]: George W. Bush is no longer a Republican. Didn’t you read the article in today’s New York Times? Here’s a choice quote:

    It means declaring war, as Newt Gingrich, the movement’s guiding light, did here on Friday, against Mr. Obama’s “European socialism transplanted to Washington,” a phrase fast seeping into the conservative lexicon. (Mr. Gingrich also deplored “the Bush-Obama big spending program,” a sign that former President George W. Bush, a onetime hero to conservatives, was being thrown overboard.)

  104. 2druk2phluq

    I didn’t read all the comments. If somebody didn’t say this kid is very likely more intelligent than a large percentage of the GOP, then somebody failed to state the obvious.

  105. Styrofoam Boots

    Weird.

    This kid is like some weird combo of Bill O’Reilly, Suze Orman, and a Jewish Mathlete who’s morally concerned about how much time he spends thinking of naked ladies.

  106. nyhfrog

    I was this kid when I was 13. Let’s run down the list of who I voted for when I was old enough to register:

    1. Dukakis
    2. Clinton
    3. Clinton
    4. Nader (wish I had that one back. But I’m being honest.)
    5. Kerry
    6. Obama

    The point is,it takes just one high school government teacher to make this kid be specific about what he believes rather than general and there might still be hope.

  107. Prof. Junk

    As smart as the kid is, it doesn’t change that the middle part of his speech is him just making nonsensical sentences out of big words, like 13 year olds trying to sound like grown-ups usually do. He’ll probably end up as a speech writer for Sarah Palin making more money than I do.

  108. CaliforniaMike

    [re=255531]NJBrian[/re]: Even if he only read a book, that puts him one up on our last president.

  109. Peanut Inspector

    Teh kids in Alabama public schools call them “homers”.

    He just needs a nice spelling bee to direct his energies toward something constructive.

  110. CaliforniaMike

    We should find out if he has ever tortured small animals or started fires. He could be another Cheney in the making.

  111. kudzu

    Listen, you little fuckface: Conservatism is rooted on this: What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. I have a right to take it away from you and to get away with it. You’re right when you say conservatism is not based on feelings because the guiding principle of your twisted little ideology is, first and foremost, stripping everybody else of their humanity so you can treat them like shit. That’s why conservatives can be racist with no qualms as to what that actually means, you fucking little twat.

    You talk about four “categories of principle.” Let’s see how they stand against reality:
    1.- Respect for the Constitution: Dick Cheney, Alberto Gonzalez, Guantanamo.
    2.- Respect for life: Irak.
    3.- Limited government: Department of Homeland Security, Henry Paulson, Dick Cheney.
    4.- Personal responsibility: Alberto Gonzalez, Ted Haggard, and all other closeted Republicans.

    Any questions, you motherfucking piece of shit?

  112. Ronnie Dobbs

    This kid reminds me of the nerd-debate types in junior high and high school who everyone hated. It would be interesting to see what his parents are like.

  113. J-Man

    Does Late Night Shots have a minimum age requirement? If he can’t get in as a full member, maybe he could be their mascot.

  114. CaliforniaMike

    I found an article about this kid in the suburban Atlanta newspapers from last October. Yes, he is being home-schooled (big shock).

  115. CaliforniaMike

    Also, his book is not for sale on Amazon, which is a pretty good bet it’s self-published. What we used to call vanity publishing.

    Looks like his God-awful parents, when they saw their kid wasn’t going to be the next LeBron James, decided to make him the next Ronald Reagan.

  116. Chesterfields

    The Right has found its William Upski Wimsatt!

    In addition to “Define Conservatism” and his role as John Darling in Peter Pan, he also invented Ann Coulter’s favorite pick-up line: “If you tell anybody about this, there will be shit on my knife, instead of my dick.”

    That also happens to be a refrain in New Canaan’s town bomba.

  117. Reefpilot

    Something else to chew on…

    Scumfuck Loofah Bill O’Reilly had to dig this eight year old girl outta the depths of youtube and expose her and her family to god knows what sort of harassment. I don’t know what happened to the girl or the family, but I know the band who hired this child actress got all kinds of press and millions were exposed to their music.

    This little homeschooled turd and his CPAC address? The “conservatives” are letting him talk at one of their most celebrated yearly events.

    Clearly, things are going very well for them.

  118. rebellitor

    This is basically the plot to Ender’s Game. Soon he’ll realize that the Democrats he reviles were, in fact, the victims of his game of Call of Duty.

  119. Monsieur Grumpe

    From Krohn’s yearbook…

    Voted most likely to be caught masturbating to pictures of poodles.

  120. Captain Swing

    [re=255581]kudzu[/re]: Yeah, young Johnnie kind of blew it when he mentioned “respect for the Constitution”, didn’t he.

    Just go ask Uncle Dicky, son. No doubt he’ll be happy to tell all about it. You can even torture small farm animals together.

    Just be careful to stay out of his line of sight when he’s tooled up…

  121. scaredofthehoya

    I can’t wait until this pre-twat loses his hot pink iPod!

    He will truly become the AN HERO of the conservative movement. Also.

  122. sarahconnor

    “it is the filling”… the what?

    I fear for this kid’s… gah I don’t know what. No wonder pub-tards think Satan is real. Gotta say, overall like the direction the party is headed in… I give it a 9.8

  123. CaliforniaMike

    Think of it — the holy trinity of the Republican Party consists of a fat man, a skinny transsexual and a home-schooled kid.

    Sean Hannity’s heart is breaking.

  124. zhubajie

    [re=255180]bitchincamaro[/re]: Maybe he’ll get lucky with one of the GOP females present.

    Zhu Bajie

  125. SJ Doc

    Jeez, only two or three brief comments about how this kid is home-schooled. You’d think that more Wonkette readers would’ve latched onto that, and made more of it. I mean, isn’t this kind of thing typical of tweeners and teens who’ve not had the full advantage of our good and gracious government-run, taxpayer-funded, politician-curriculum’d, school-boarded (is that like “waterboarding”?) educational institutions?

    Hm. No wonder he counts himself a conservative. Just hasn’t been “socialized,” has he?

  126. AKAM80TheWolf

    Who knows, this might give Mark Foley an opportunity to get back into politics, and perhaps, even turn a new page.

  127. www.democratz.org

    Didn’t Hitler, when he ran out of soldiers beging to send boys to fight? I recall seeing Hitler standing among teenagers and giving them medals. These couldn’t have attained the age of boy scouts.

    Now you can tell the Republiklan party has bottomed out when they have teenagers address CPAC. LOL

  128. SJ Doc

    [re=255790]www.democratz.org[/re]: Didn’t Hitler, when he ran out of soldiers beging to send boys to fight?

    Also old men. Called it the “Volkssturm.” With the big bilateral Boot-On-Your-Neck Party’s destruction of the U.S. economy – and our Moolie Messiah’s special Weimar Republic fire sale on fiat currency courtesy of the Federal Reserve – destroying everybody’s retirement funds and pension plans, while the conservatives are enlisting the adolescents, the socialists are forcing the geriatric set back onto the battlefield.

    Jeez, one set of National Socialists recapitulating the practices of another. How Santayana-esque.

  129. Boojum

    [re=255792]SJ Doc[/re]: Moolie Messiah? WTF? Does SJ Doc stand for Stupid Jackass?

    Blow me, you racist Rethugtard.

  130. SJ Doc

    [re=255817]Boojum[/re]: Blow me, you racist Rethugtard.

    Only with the use of an operating microscope and *extremely* low Torr, lest your teensy little pizzle be ripped off as bloodily as your nonsense.

    Got any substantive response, dickwad? You mean to say that Mrs. Soetoro’s Miscegenation is somehow NOT turning up the printing presses at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving into hyperdrive to pound out the counterfeit necessary to accomplish his frantic ends, and that this isn’t raping away the value in every savings account and wallet in the country?

    Including yours?

    Aw! How nice. He not only asks for a virtual blowjob, but can’t tell when his Messiah is bending him over and ripping him one straight up his literal ass.

    =====
    “Government is the only institution that can take a perfectly good piece of paper, print some noble words on it, and make it perfectly worthless.”

    – Ludwig von Mises

  131. Custerwolf

    He’s the Michael Jackson of politics. Only when he’s well past his 20s will he feel any sense of gratification in playing with other little boys.

  132. SJ Doc

    [re=256020]Custerwolf[/re]: Only when he’s well past his 20s will he feel any sense of gratification in playing with other little boys.

    Sorry, but by the time Krohn is in his 20s, his present age-peers (having been the victims of our good and gracious government “education” system) still won’t be up to speed.

    Poor boogers might never be.

    =====
    “Here is another curiosity to think about. The homeschooling movement has quietly grown to a size where one and a half million young people are being educated entirely by their own parents. Last month the education press reported the amazing news that children schooled at home seem to be five or even ten years ahead of their formally trained peers in their ability to think.”

    – John Taylor Gatto

  133. thefrontpage

    The CPAC morons should be ashamed of themselves for this kind of pandering crap, the CPAC thing should be outlawed for the sake of the country, all the people who attended this thing should be arrested for disturbing the peace, they should all be held by the authorities for questioning in regards to their sanity, and no stupid idiotic backasswards organizations such as this sorry collection of people-stuck-in-the-dark-ages should ever have a young teenager get up in front of these types of morons and make a fool of himself, which he did (perhaps not all his fault, but he has to take some of the blame, even at 13, sorry to say). This whole sorry mess is sad, pathetic, and just a huge pile of crap. The CPAC morons need to be outlawed, forever.

  134. SJ Doc

    [re=256587]thefrontpage[/re]: The CPAC morons should be ashamed of themselves for this kind of pandering crap, the CPAC thing should be outlawed for the sake of the country, all the people who attended this thing should be arrested for disturbing the peace, they should all be held by the authorities for questioning in regards to their sanity, and no stupid idiotic backasswards organizations such as this sorry collection of people-stuck-in-the-dark-ages should ever have a young teenager get up in front of these types of morons and make a fool of himself, which he did (perhaps not all his fault, but he has to take some of the blame, even at 13, sorry to say). This whole sorry mess is sad, pathetic, and just a huge pile of crap. The CPAC morons need to be outlawed, forever.

    Well, putzie, that certainly puts an emphatic point on how you feel about the First Amendment’s prohibition against government infringement upon “…the right of the people peaceably to assemble.”

    The “freedom of speech” bit is already in the bull’s-eye with the National Socialist Party stalwarts looking to re-impose the “Fairness Doctrine” upon media in which they haven’t been able to compete.

    So you want it made impossible for the people who think you’re a chancre on America’s figurative prick to get together and talk about what a bleeding sore you and your buddies are?

    Jeez, what’s next on your list? Prosecution for daring “…to petition the Government for a redress of grievances”?

    Hey, who really *is* your favorite chief -of-state, schmucklet? Your narrow-assed Mocha Messiah, or Hugo Chavez?

    =====
    “Barack Obama is the pampered pet of Chicago gangsters. He is good buddies

    with a murderous African dictator. And his wacko leftist academic

    background evokes memories of the style of sideways thinking that inspired

    the death marches in Cambodia.

    The man burns to have a private army all his own. During the election

    campaign, he threatened to create a ‘domestic security force’ as large and

    well-funded as the entire U.S. military, just the thing to send

    door-to-door (as the police attempted in the Chicago projects) searching

    for privately-owned weapons. Sure enough, the very first item to appear on

    his website http://www.change.org following the election was a proposal to require

    ‘mandatory community service’ — 50 hours a year from junior high school and

    high school students, 100 hours from those in college — or the individuals

    in question needn’t expect to graduate.”

    – L. Neil Smith, “Only Nixon,” *The Libertarian Enterprise* (see

    http://www.ncc-1776.org/tle2008/tle492-20081109-02.html )

  135. SJ Doc

    [re=256587]thefrontpage[/re]: The CPAC morons should be ashamed of themselves for this kind of pandering crap, the CPAC thing should be outlawed for the sake of the country, all the people who attended this thing should be arrested for disturbing the peace, they should all be held by the authorities for questioning in regards to their sanity, and no stupid idiotic backasswards organizations such as this sorry collection of people-stuck-in-the-dark-ages should ever have a young teenager get up in front of these types of morons and make a fool of himself, which he did (perhaps not all his fault, but he has to take some of the blame, even at 13, sorry to say). This whole sorry mess is sad, pathetic, and just a huge pile of crap. The CPAC morons need to be outlawed, forever.

    Well, putzie, that certainly puts an emphatic point on how you feel about the First Amendment’s prohibition against government infringement upon “…the right of the people peaceably to assemble.”

    The “freedom of speech” bit is already in the bull’s-eye with the National Socialist Party stalwarts looking to re-impose the “Fairness Doctrine” upon media in which they haven’t been able to compete.

    So you want it made impossible for the people who think you’re a chancre on America’s figurative prick to get together and talk about what a bleeding sore you and your buddies are?

    Jeez, what’s next on your list? Prosecution for daring “…to petition the Government for a redress of grievances”?

    Hey, who really *is* your favorite chief -of-state, schmucklet? Your narrow-assed Mocha Messiah, or Hugo Chavez?

    =====
    “Barack Obama is the pampered pet of Chicago gangsters. He is good buddies with a murderous African dictator. And his wacko leftist academic background evokes memories of the style of sideways thinking that inspired the death marches in Cambodia.

    “The man burns to have a private army all his own. During the election campaign, he threatened to create a ‘domestic security force’ as large and well-funded as the entire U.S. military, just the thing to send door-to-door (as the police attempted in the Chicago projects) searching for privately-owned weapons. Sure enough, the very first item to appear on his website http://www.change.org following the election was a proposal to require ‘mandatory community service’ — 50 hours a year from junior high school and high school students, 100 hours from those in college — or the individuals in question needn’t expect to graduate.”

    – L. Neil Smith, “Only Nixon,” *The Libertarian Enterprise* (see http://www.ncc-1776.org/tle2008/tle492-20081109-02.html )

  136. SJ Doc

    [re=256781]theevilmrrogers[/re]: I thought this was a joke, dear god the republicans really are on their last leg.

    Didn’tcha watch the video? The Krohn kid explicitly denies being a Republican. He calls himself a conservative, meaning – like the Communist Party USA, which only supports National Socialist (is anybody still calling them “Democratic”) politicians to the extent that those slurpers advocate policies in line with communism – he won’t support a Republican Party asshole except to the extent that said asshole does something manifestly constitutional.

    Given the history of the Republican Party (especially in the past couple of decades), that ain’t often, so you don’t have to worry about Jonathon Krohn stumping for the sort of spineless, big-government, “go along to get along” Republicans you like.

    Oh.

    That must bother you, mustn’t it? A voice for scouring out the “useful idiots” among your political opposition….

    =====
    “In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.”

    – H.L. Mencken

  137. Zorg

    We, here in Texas, would love to have little Jon come on down from Jersey to be the featured guest at our annual “Dean Corll Re-enactor’s Day Festival.”

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