Ugh, really? Just when we’d thought this city couldn’t embarrass itself any further, someone had to go and invent Twitter. The temptation to troll the Twitters of every journalist, politician and operative in Washington for comedy is very, very strong, because literally everything they post is tragic and hilarious. Let’s try to contain ourselves with this dumb list from WALNUTS!

How is this so self-explanatory? Oh, right. 9/11. Huh?

Yes, thank you tipsters.

[John McCain’s Twitter]

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  • StephanieInCA
  • StrangelyBrown

    John is shocked at the notion that you can manage beaver, since beaver has pretty much managed him his whole life.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    During the GE when people were making fun of Walnuts for being a technical illiterate, all of his campaign goonies said he was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS and cannot use his opposable thumbs on the tiny keyboards. Now Walnuts can Twitter?

  • hobgoblin of little minds

    What the fuck is up with conservatives obsession with animals? Panda, polar bear, and dog furries at CPAC, Bear DNA during the campaign, and now fucking beavers.

  • NoWireHangers

    Well, that tea-bagging protest the mouth-breathers organized should put the beavers in check. Bush is running wild in Texas from what I hear though. It’s worse than the mess Santorum left in the Senate. You can bet your WALNUTS! this is all tied to the snatching of the Romeny family jewels.

  • HopeyDope

    I’d pay McCain $650,000 to never ever ever use the phrase “beaver management” ever again.

  • NoWireHangers

    Also, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE that WALNUTS! know what a “twitter” is, let alone how to use a computer or handheld electronic device OF ANY KIND. 10 twitters from WALNUTS!? That’s as believable as him becoming President.

  • Sussemilch

    Good thing he’s not picking on red state pork, that would annoy his colleagues. Mavrik!

  • SayItWithWookies

    So John McCain is mocking real America now. Enough said.

  • tiger

    So WALNUTS! is saying that Montana sucks and beavers are terrible? Hardly an ingenue…

  • chascates

    $1.7M “for a honey bee factory” in Weslaco, TX

    It’s for expanding the Texas A&M University bee research facility which studies Africanized bees, colony collapse disorder, and other topics pretty vital to fruit and vegetable production that involve bees.

  • Hooray For Anything

    I’m kinda hoping that now that a whole bunch of ancient un-hip Republicans are using twitter, twitter will lose whatever cool cache it has causing everybody to stop using it.

  • Spunion

    I manage many beavers already, I enjoy, and will do for free, more, also.

  • sux2bu

    [re=254900]StrangelyBrown[/re]: FTW!!

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Meet The Beavers!

    I don’t think they’re worth $650,000 either.

  • TGY

    In my experience, beavers often get out of hand, as ’twere.

  • masterdebater

    650,000$ for beaver management…really? So many snarky things spring to mind, but nothing so much as, “where do I sign up”?

  • Hart88

    OK, I’m still trying to figure out why Meghan needs to go to NC or MS for a wax job….

  • Gurkman

    you really should make this a daily feature, like Gawker, but for people who live in a city where you can buy stuff for under $15.

  • HopeyDope

    Does this sht strike anyone else as some kind of bizzaro Amurica? I mean, if you read the adult sections of any paper (online, of course, since real papers are going the way of the dodo) Obama n’em are accomplishing sht at lightning speed. Real things, like unbanning the press from military coffins and emptying out Gitmo. Meanwhile, McCain is… (dear God)tweeting about beavers and Montana.

    There are grown people wearing poop hats!! Poop Fcking Hats!! And this is their political strategy! It bottles the mind, really.

  • OffTheRecord

    Okay, forgive me. I am going to be serious for a moment. Everytime a republican bitches about something in a spending bill it is all “hardy har har. This has a funny name. Why would we spend money on something that has a funny name?” And it never fails that it is something that is actually kind of useful. Beavers are fucking vicious beasts and they need to be managed so maybe my fucking yard will stop flooding every time it rains because their dams are clogging the waterways. And have you ever tried to put a fence around all your trees so those critters will stop trying to eat them for lunch. Hengh, John McCain? It is a lot me difficult than it sounds. STFU old man.

    /Rant off

  • Suds McKenzie

    whats twitter short for Heeennnggg.

  • Links

    This is almost sadder than the day he chose Palin as a VP to attract PUMA votes. “Tmr” and “gonna” from a guy who ran for preznint twice. Classy. I never thought I’d be retrospectively grateful that my grandpa never texted me about what he’s “gonna do with his BFF tmr-LOL” in a tragic pursuit of hipness. Are we seeing Steele’s plan for making the party “hip hop” in action here?

  • liamaa

    he originally tweeted: “SenJohnMcCain: #5. $650,000 for beaver management in North Carolina and Mississippi – how does one manage a beaver?”

    so, someone pointed out the comedic value to him. i wonder how that conversation went?

  • Walnuts is my Co-Pilot

    If McMaim loves Twitter so much, why doesn’t he just go you gay-marry it? HEHNGNN?

  • Tra

    I’m totally hung up on the “I am gonna” formulation. I mean, you think they were trying to save letters with “gonna,” but then they go and use “I am” instead of “I’m.” None of this explains why they didn’t go with the pithy and grammatical “I will.” What is wrong with these people?

  • Suds McKenzie

    “Beaver Management”, that should hold us for the weekend … no?

  • defeatism

    [re=254961]liamaa[/re]: No kidding, I’m glad I screencapped that too.

  • Dave J.

    [re=254961]liamaa[/re]: No way! I totally thought you were joking about that. Yow. Heeeennnngh! Also.

  • Mustang

    I’m just astounded that Montana is getting something, even if it is a World Trade Center (WTF?) We never get anything.

  • oldguy

    Come on. He can’t push the little buttons, remember? This is some cruel hoax.

    Managing beavers is no harder than juggling them. And both are well worth the effort.

  • Zadig

    Why are we not focusing on the good news? The fact that the “porkiest projects” in the Congressional Omnibus spending bill all cost less than 3 million? That’s fuckin’ chump change as far as government budgets are concerned.

    Also, the majority of this “pork” spending is going to red states, which lends credence to the notion of Republicans loading up the bill with pork for the express purpose of having something to bitch about.

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=254922]chascates[/re]: [re=254939]OffTheRecord[/re]: I concur. “Volcano monitoring? What a waste!” “Honeybees? It isn’t like we rely on pollinators to live!” Republican must think that food magically appears on store shelves. The stupifying magnitude of their disconnect from reality makes my head implode.

  • OReillysVibrator

    A John McCain Top Ten List only reminds me of embarrassing moment #243 of his campaign when he bailed on Letterman and got mocked relentlessly for it. But what can McCain do that won’t remind everyone of some campaign blunder or other he made has he destroyed his name and honor and legacy last year?

  • OReillysVibrator

    [re=254946]Links[/re]: By 2020, those words will be an acceptable (only correct?) way of spelling words in red state schools. VOWELS ARE ELITIST!

  • NUTS

    The original Beaver post was soo much better. i grabbed it before they took it down

  • arewethereyet

    i would love to see in red state/ blue state format where all this “pork” is going. funny, but i think i already know the answer to that.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Does Osama twitter from his cave yet? Or is he just Facebook friends with McCain?

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=254961]liamaa[/re]: Reminds me of the song: “How does one manage a beaver like Maria?”

  • flyingspaghettimonster

    managing beavers costs more than World Trade Centers???

  • Der Freiherr

    I once dated a North Carolinian. They could stand for some beaver management.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    #7 is a total fake out. After all, the real American Governors in Mississippi and North Carolina are not going to touch any of that Socialistic Democrat Stimulus money, so their beavers will stay free, unmanaged and American. Just like Playboy in the 70s.

  • Mustang

    Tmr you’re gonna still be an old fart who loves pork just as much as the next congressperson.

  • hockeymom

    In defense of beaver management…from a Virginia Tech report. Think of them as furry, little terrorists……

    Physical damage caused by beavers in the Southeast is estimated in the millions of dollars annually. Examples of this damage include timber and agricultural crop loss, damage to roads, septic systems and other property by flooding, and destruction of ornamental plants used in landscaping.

    Although incidence is rare, beavers may pose a potential threat to humans from several diseases associated with them or the habitats that they have created. Giardia limbia, a pathogenic intestinal parasite, can be transmitted or deposited with the feces of beaver and other mammals (including otters, mink, and even infected humans) into water systems. Drinking water supplies (e.g., ponds, reservoirs) that have been contaminated with Giardia and lack chlorination or fine mesh filtration treatment facilities can lead to the spread of giardiasis, an intestinal ailment that can be debilitating to those infected with the parasite. Another health concern, though much less common, is Blastomycosis dermatitidis (or Gilchrist’s Disease). Individuals who have had recent contact with old beaver lodges and dams may be exposed to blastomycosis, a pneumonia-like disease that arises from the inhalation of fungal spores into the lungs. The spore-producing fungi reside in soils, decaying foliage, and vegetation, but the spores they produce cannot become airborne unless the soil or decaying material has been disturbed. Because very specific temperature, nutrition, and humidity conditions are necessary for the growth and production of the infecting spores, the incidence of blastomycosis is quite low. In several of the few documented cases involving beaver (e.g., in Minnesota), individuals became exposed while trying to dismantle or remove an old beaver dam. In cases of suspected exposure, treatment is available for both giardiasis and blastomycosis at most medical facilities today.

  • The Helvetica Scenario

    [re=254995]OReillysVibrator[/re]: I think you mean VWLS R LTST!

  • Suds McKenzie

    do beavers live in volcanoes?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=255029]hockeymom[/re]: Dang. I knew it had to be something straightforward and boring like preventing erosion, deforestation and helping maintain healthy watersheds.

    You just had to spoil our fun, din’t you, mom?

  • Bramlet Abercrombie

    Good lord, Walnuts. Everyone knows that “I am gonna” should be “Ima gon.” Geez. Henghh!

  • DeLand DeLakes

    [re=254906]NoWireHangers[/re]: Megan McCain is sitting by his side, pushing all the little wee buttons for him. She just tells him that fairy sprites spirit the messages from one “telephone machine” to another.

  • One Yield Regular

    Can someone explain to me this peculiar, backwards strategy of selectively misrepresenting some “science-y” project (beaver management, honey-bee research, wetlands restoration, a planetarium for Chicago, volcano monitoring…), ridiculing it, and then trying to use it as a cattle prod to rile up the inbreds? Is this the Taliban-inspired insurgency Pete Sessions was talking about?

    USDA estimates beavers cause $100 million+ in property damage in the U.S. That’s ANNUALLY. Also.

  • bonghitsforjesus

    [re=255027]hobgoblin of little minds[/re]: I assure you that the conservatives are not obsessed with fucking beavers…

  • TurdBlossom

    The ol’ trollop is like an old Rolls Royce: expensive as hell in terms of upkeep, but good for one hell of a ride.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=255004]NUTS[/re]: Well done. And tell Liam I say “hi.”

  • Aquannissiwamissoo

    Beaver management is because they like to build their dams and lodges at culverts where brooks go under roads, thereby flooding the roads and causing people to drown and die. So you create a little device with wire mesh and PVC pipes (a ‘beaver cheater’) at the upstream side of the culvert to thwart their damming and damning activities. Cereally.

    This stuff just shows Repubs iz ignint bout the God-hating sciencey edumacation in our mulatto skoolz.

  • Aquannissiwamissoo

    [re=255029]hockeymom[/re]: Umm no, no, no no. Beavers only cause damage to your house if you built your ##$%% house right on top of theirs, ie. in a fricking swamp. Where it shouldn’t be anyways (the septic system won’t work). Your chances of getting Giardia are less than getting struck by lightning.

    Physical damage caused by beavers in the Southeast is estimated in the millions of dollars annually. Examples of this damage include timber and agricultural crop loss, damage to roads, septic systems and other property by flooding, and destruction of ornamental plants used in landscaping.

    Boo fucking hoo. If you don’t like nature, move to a concrete jungle or just kill yourself with an ornament plant used for landscaping. Foxglove is good.

  • m_supercomputer

    [re=255105]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: You’d think the Christian wingnuts would be all for things that prevent damnation.

    …even I hate myself a little for that pun.

  • floofy

    Stop staring at your daughter’s legs, Senator.

  • Kotter

    Someone should really attempt to get Robert Byrd on Twitter, somehow.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=255066]One Yield Regular[/re]: Because when the vast majority of the country believes in Angels and the Rapture, it’s obvious that science isn’t of that much interest to people.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I’m looking forward to when McCain “tweets” the top ten pages in the Senate.

  • Lee Atwater

    [re=255026]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Hey, we’re a blue state now. We’ll take everything that’s coming to us!

  • Beef Supreme

    #6. $1 million for mormon cricket control in Utah – is that the species of cricket or a game played by the brits?

    It’s the species of cricket, you dumb motherfucker. A 2 second google search would’ve revealed that these little buggers will eat all the goddamn crops, you shitsack moron.

  • assistant/atlas

    His #1 pork project is pig odor research? OMG, that’s hilarious–Pork about pork!

    …Unless you happen to live within 50 miles of a factory farm. Which is basically 80% of the Midwest and South. In which case, it’s a serious health and quality of life concern. But hey–who gives a crap, it’s not like that’s where the entire GOP base lives…right?

    And grape genetics! Why would we want to do research about that silly industry worth $162 billion annually? (yes, billion and yes, I looked it up in like 10 seconds, of course)

    [re=254939]OffTheRecord[/re]: Seriously, if we’d had better beaver management over the past 8 years, there would be two less Palins also.

  • HughJennicks

    Hey Wonketteers, lighten up;
    Walntutz follows the Tweets of Cox
    (Ana Marie, that is)

  • momus

    Walnuts identifies $10.5M in pork in an $8.5T spending bill. That’s 0.00012%, a rounding error. The Dems should be ashamed, the GOP could have gotten up to 20% just supporting abstinence education and faith-based initiatives!

  • WagTehGod

    All I know is SHORTSx3 found me on Twitter somehow for tweeting about my love of Wonkette. That was way more gay than that just sounded.

  • qwerty42

    [re=255048]Suds McKenzie[/re]: they build volcanos. I think they had something to do with Mt St Helen’s … there was a lot of flooding and rivers rose and bridges were wiped out. or maybe that was a movie. anyway, they also make a lot of noise with their tails.

  • PAbitter

    [re=255066]One Yield Regular[/re]: They hate science

  • Dean Booth

    How do we know this is really McCain? Can he post a photo of him holding his keyboard on top of his head? I don’t think so!

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    In just one day of tweeting, McCain’t has revealed his thorough ignorance of agricultural issues; I can’t wait until he tweets onto the economy. When he introduced stream of consciousness, did James Joyce nightmare that it would morph into Tweeter?

  • hockeymom

    [re=255115]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: I just liked the report because it said “feces” and “fungal spores”. Along with “beaver”.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=255161]Lee Atwater[/re]: Dear God, if the Commies have North Carolina, there is no hope for any of us.

  • LittlePig

    His #1 pork project is pig odor research?

    Sweet! Ima gon get me sum munnies!

  • godforbidowright

    Some of this is not so much ‘pork’ – more just a show of Walnuts utter inability to understand abstract ideas.

  • elburrito

    There’s someone here in Jersey I wish would manage the beav.

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