Oh here’s some big news: Barack Obama has officially declared defeat in Iraq! War is over and our troops are headed home in shame! Stay with us as our president explains how he is going to pull soldiers out of the Middle East, a little bit at a time, until at some point in the future we have mere tens of thousands of troops overseas instead of hundreds of thousands.
12:12 PM — Sorry, we come to this party a little late because we were installing blinds in the bathroom. (Helpful hint: Pre-drill your holes!)
12:13 PM — So where’s he speaking from, Camp Lejeune? Sounds French.
12:14 PM — Not everything will be perfect in Iraq; we will not eliminate the terrorists; but whatevs. Time to go home! You cannot say this guy isn’t changey.
12:16 PM — OBAMA BROKE HIS PROMISE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLES, he said he’d get combat troops out in 16 months and in fact it will take 18 months. Epic fail, &c.
12:17 PM — Wait, those are Marines applauding this 8/31/10 deadline? Pussies.
12:18 PM — Don’t worry, troops will still be there to train and do counterterrorism and make sure American civilians aren’t killed. And then everybody out by 2011. Lots of applause again, for shameful defeat.
12:19 PM — You know what Marines don’t do a lot of? Blinking. Check out the people standing behind him, they blink about every 30 seconds. And then only very reluctantly.
12:21 PM — And now a word for the Iraqi people! This is a hallmark of an Obama speech, this reachy-outy part where he acknowledges that non-Americans also pay attention to his speeches. It is all terribly presumptuous.
12:22 PM — Whoa, what? “No claim on your territory or your resources”? Has Exxon been notified?
12:24 PM — Iraq, you might be aware, is part of the Middle East, and should start acting like it by engaging with its neighbors. Except Iran. Oh including Iran and Syria! Hillary Clinton is really going to have her hands full. Which is good, because it gives her fewer opportunities to return to Washington and poison Obama, Reid, and Pelosi.
12:26 PM — A suggestion that “commitment” need not only include military action but also diplomacy. Sure, if you’re a hippie!
12:26 PM — Here is one word that we have yet to hear in this speech: “Evil.”
12:27 PM — And just last night that bald soldier guy was on Maddow saying, “You can’t talk about ending the war without talking about what you’re going to do for veterans,” and here’s Obama, talking about looking after vets. Why is Barack Obama wasting his time watching cable news shows?
12:28 PM — BIG applause for a pay raise. Hey, don’t these people know we’re in a depression?
12:30 PM — Saddam out of power, “sovereign” government established, Iraqis have the opportunity to live without water or electricity and on the perpetual brink of civil war. Mission accomplished!
12:31 PM — He is reviewing the lessons we have learned in the course of this stupid war, and they are all very obvious things like, “have clear goals,” and jesus what a fucking tragedy it is that this did not occur to anybody before we went to war. Oh well better luck next time!
12:36 PM — And semper fi! The military hates this guy so much.
12:43 PM — Post-game discussion: Chuck Todd observes that Obama failed to use the word “victory,” either. Sarah Palin will be very upset.
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“(Close, but no unfiltered Lucky Strike in a tar-stained ivory cigarette holder. Mr. Obama doesn’t do jaunty.”
http://online.wsj.com/article/declarations.html
“In terms of policy, the jury not only is out but will be for some time. Years ago I wrote of an Italian woman in my neighborhood who made spaghetti every day. When I asked how you tell it’s done, she showed me: You take a strand and fling it against the wall. If it’s done, it sticks. If it’s not done, it falls off the wall down the side of the stove. You keep flinging till one sticks. At the end of the day that is Obama’s recovery plan. Cash infusions for the banks, fling. Tax increases, thwack. Pork—excuse me, public investment—splat.”
But the larger point that Mr. Obama had to communicate, and it’s something forgotten or overlooked by political sophisticates.”
“I have accepted Al Quaeda’s unconditional terms of surrender, and have been assured that they will not behead too many of us live on Al Jazeera. Also, Osama Bin Ladin will only take 500,000 of our prettiest young virgins into his Harem.”
[re=254542]Serolf Divad[/re]: I don’t think the USA has 500K virgins who are past pubescence, so Osama must be a pedophile, too.
This has got to be exploding the heads of the Repubs, who thought of the armed forces as their personal wallpapaer.
I can’t wait for the part where he announces that the 50,000 troops staying in Iraq will all be drafted from Rick Santelli’s tea party.
[re=254550]WadISay[/re]:
Coming on top of the budget release, is there a level above heads exploding? Heads exploding and bodies melting into a pile of goo, then being struck by lightning, maybe?
“they blink about every 30 seconds. And then only very reluctantly.” If they blink, the terrorists win.
A picture really may be worth a thousand words. This one appears to show that the republicans were right all along. There’s Barry signaling to the devil that he can take over, once we leave Iraq. We’re doomed! Oh, and he’s a socialist. Socialist. Maybe even a communist. Vote republican, or we will lose the war, be taken over by Islamofacists, and, you know…the devil.
Does he know Iraq? Hell yeah. He pass da rock, he shoot da rock, he throw down da rock. Obama is beyond victory, he’s gonna posterize bin-la. FO SHIZ
Gawd, the no-blinking. I see it now! They’re drugging our best and brightest!
It’s the least they can do.
No relief for the many Jacksonville businesses that have disappeared because of the years of constant Marine deployment.
[re=254552]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
Success in Iraq and Afghanistan is an existential imperative. It will require the combined efforts of our greatest minds to ensure that stability is reached and maintained. Therefore I am ordering the Secretary of Defense to issue draft orders to all members in good standing of the Heritage Foundation, The Hudson Institute, The Cato Institute, The Federalist Society, Fox News and Various Talk Radio show luminaries (I’m looking at you, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin). They will be issued WWI era Enfield rifles a box of Hershey bars and sent to patrol the streets of Baghdad and the highlands of Tora Bora on horseback.
The soldier in the background on the far right is blinking like crazy: he’s trying to hold back tears. He’s doing a better job than I am right now.
John McCain is screaming “1/3 will still be there!” nanna nanna booboo
Walnuts says we are losers. Right now. Fox New(sies).
Today we are all Halliburton employees with expiring stock options.
Why does our president insist on making me cry?
And screw you, FOXbot Anchor Scott…even your OWN military expert agrees with Obama. Stop trying to spin this.
SKS, it’s not ‘retreat’ or ‘defeat’, it’s ‘strategic withdrawal to previously prepared positions’.
Well, at least no one threw a shoe at Barry, so THERE Georgie W!
[re=254564]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=254564]Serolf Divad[/re]: If only it were so…
It’s amazing how the party that’s supposedly so weak on defense and doesn’t care about our troops is the one to raise military salaries to a living wage, focus on veteran affairs, and bring them home after years of overuse.
Barry’ll rebuild our military’s fighting edge and morale just in time for Jeb Bush to come into power and invade all of the middle east at once.
jesus what a fucking tragedy it is that this did not occur to anybody before we went to war
Sadly, it occured to plenty of people. People who Don Rumsfeld politely told to STFU, then fired. Best and brightest, etc.
SKS: When you pre-drill holes, do you use a pre-drill bit?
[re=254564]Serolf Divad[/re]:
If only. If only.
And be only half as effective as the Children’s Crusade. Those vast majority of those losers would be shitting their pants if they got within five clicks of Iraq.
[re=254576]grendel[/re]: Don’t forget are FOR the GI Bill (that Walnuts was against because it was so good, too many soldiers would not re-up).
[re=254562]Servo[/re]: I hear the adult entertainment industry still rocks in J’ville.
[re=254580]ManchuCandidate[/re]: What’s a click? I’ve always wondered. Srsly.
Looks like Barry’s having a general ‘Piss Off Wingnuts Day’.
[re=254585]CorkPopper[/re]:
Click is Military speak for kilometer.
So to whom is Bommy doing the “call me later, babe” gesture? Is he going all Bill on us?
Wait, we’re still in Iraq? Didn’t that stop happening when the economy crashed?
[re=254554]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You made me laugh, yet again. I have you a wonkeratti compliment on the tucker thread, should you, like I, enjoy reading flattering things about myself.
[re=254585]CorkPopper[/re]: A kilometer.
Camp Lejeune? Sounds French.
You’re thinking of Camp Jejune.
[re=254550]WadISay[/re]: Not wallpaper, toilet paper.
[re=254588]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “Click is Military speak for kilometer.”
Thanks. This is so cool to know, I’ll make a point of using clicks when giving directions to my country place. That is, when I figure out how far a kilometer is.
This is likely to create more stink than the Great Flag Lapel Pin Scandal.
[re=254589]Red Zeppelin[/re]: He’s doing a “hang loose brah” sign… he’s from Hawaii remember…
This kind of treason will not stand!!! at this grim time, a nation turns its eyes to the only force that can save it from the scary socialist muslin athiests: CPAC!
[re=254601]DustBowlBlues[/re]:
You and most of US America.
FYI for conversion’s sake a click is about 3/5 of a mile.
[re=254594]DustBowlBlues[/re]: not have, gave. It’s this damned affliction (Bell’s Palsy) that’s turned me into a cyclops and frozen half my brain along with half my face. I’m sure if I could just touch the hem of President Obama’s (still get a thrill saying that) overcoat, I would be healed.
[re=254610]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Your saying that reminded me of the last family reunion I went to, in Pensacola, so the Tennessee/Alabama/Mississippi contingent of my family was there. One of my second cousins once removed or something, about 8 years old, had a cold and volunteered that if he could just go bathe in the Jordan River he was sure he’d be cured right away.
Nice reminder of why I moved…
On Sky News, they interviewed a black sargent afterwards and he said Obama was “well spoken”. Will the racism never end?
Hopefully my brother-in-law will surrender his ass all the way home. I have a bottle of El Jimador reposado I’ve kept since 2004 so he and I can celebrate our nations defeat.
“installing blinds in the bathroom”
I worried there were too many peeping Wonketeers?
[re=254585]CorkPopper[/re]: It’s the little man in the row boat.
[re=254589]Red Zeppelin[/re]: That gesture is Hawaiian and means “hang loose.”
“they blink about every 30 seconds”
Dubya and Caribou Barbie never blink.
Is it fair to say frequent blinking is a sign of higher brainpower?
[re=254615]CorkPopper[/re]: Haha, you should have told him, “That’s the river Ganges you ignorant little cracker.”
[re=254643]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Ha! I’d have to decide whether the amusement of watching my relatives’ heads explode was worth the tongue lashing I’d have to endure from my mother. Close call, that.
Great, so I guess this means the army won’t be as desperate for soldiers as they used to be. Now that shopping malls are closing and we’re losing all these minimum wage service jobs, where am I supposed to find work now?
[re=254601]DustBowlBlues[/re]: It’s .62 miles. Also.
When Barry finishes the speech, he turns to Steele with “You have anything to add”?
“Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad”.
But Dubya said Mission Accomplished! years ago. Nobama, why did you bring us into war again?
Hate to be a party pooper, but the non-blinking thing is partly PTSD. The black dude on stage right is scanning for threats non-stop. The longest he holds his gaze is for 5 seconds, tops. When my brother came back from Iraq he was doing the same thing. Couldn’t sleep without a gun nearby. Couldn’t sit in a resturaunt without having his back to a wall.
Fuck you very much, George.
And we will only be in there twice as long as it took to defeat Germany and Japan in WWII! We truly are the greatest generation!
Afterwards, basketballs were distributed; Barry shot H-O-R-S-E with the troops and let them win. So, it’s all good.
[re=254783]bago[/re]: Jesus christ. Thanks for the reality check. Hope your brother’s doing better now.
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