thank god for cpac

Tucker Carlson Enrages CPAC Mob With Faint Praise For New York Times

Here’s celebrated pundit Tucker Carlson addressing CPAC, fresh after scoring some coke from his dealer under the St. Alban’s lacrosse field bleachers. He tries to convince the stingy crowd that the New York Times, for all its faults, still strives for accuracy and tries to break the major, important stories. He is roundly booed, heckled, bludgeoned, etc. He makes up for it at the end by suggesting that there should be 25 different Fox News channels, thereby ensuring his secure exit from the building. [Right Wing Watch]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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81 comments

  1. Bearbloke

    What, this EPIC FAIL douche is still avoiding his true calling of giving handjobs to Strom Thurmond supporters in airport men’s rooms?

  2. Garrett3000

    I have AWFUL video of this I am gonna post later. I thought bottles and rocks were going to be thrown. Was really looking forward to a riot in a swanky hotel.

  3. V572625694

    Tucker knows something about failing news organizations, since his persistent douchebaggery on CNN had to be shouted down by Jon Stewart.

    To be fair, Begala was and is just as irritating.

  4. TJBeck

    I think it’s clear the reason there isn’t a conservative news organization that digs up real facts is because thy end up proving themselves to be wrong.

  5. Serolf Divad

    Here’s celebrated pundit Tucker Carlson addressing CPAC, fresh after scoring some coke from his dealer under the St. Alban’s lacrosse field bleachers.

    I have a feeling the transaction went something like this:

    Tucker: Hey, Hijinx, how ya doing?
    Andrew: I’m doing OK, Tucker. Why do you insist on calling me Hijinx?
    Tucker: Man, it’s your nickname! Everybody here calls each other by their nickname.
    Andrew: OK, whetever. So what do you want, dickless?
    Tucker: Ha, ha… very funny. Just call me Skipper.
    Andrew: Whatever. So what is it you want Tucker?
    Tucker: Can I score some coke off you?
    Andrew: What?
    Tucker: Some coke, you know… [searching vainly for a slang word for coke]… coke, you know.
    Andrew: Man, why’ve you gotta assume that every African American kid here on a scholarship is a drug dealer?
    Tucker: Come on man, don’t get all PC on me. I just need a little coke.
    Andrew: No, I’m serious, man. I mean… I’ve got a higher GPA than you do. WHy you gotta assume I deal?
    Tucker: I just need a few ounces, man. here’s teh money.
    Andrew: Man, that’s not the point. I don’t care how much you need. Why you gotta assume I deal drugs just because I’m a minority at St. Alban’s on a scholarship?
    Tucker: Come on… everybody knows you deal coke, man. I heard it from Bippy.
    Andrew: Bippy?
    Tucker: Pat Werman.
    Andrew: That asshole?
    Tucker: Yeah, whetever. I just need a few ounces.
    Andrew: Man, there you go again with this “the black guy must be a drug dealer” thing.
    Tucker: Come on man, I’m going to CPAC this weekend. I don’t want to have to go into the scary parts of DC to score some coke.
    Andrew: All right, asshole. How much do you need?
    Tucker: Awww right! A couple of ounces, that’s all.
    Andrew: OK, here you go. It’ll be $200.00.

  6. Texan Bulldoggette

    He’s looking pretty sweaty & disheveled. Did he break out in a cold sweat at the thought of saying something halfway not wingnutty to these people?

  7. qwerty42

    Tucker must have lost his mind or taken to the drink to say such things about the NYT to this group. I mean, what with the NYT covering up the fact that Obama isn’t even an American. and stuff like that. The “conservatives” aren’t getting back in power with any of this “thought” and stuff. Psychotropics might help. At least they will have the illusion of power (actually, they seem to have that now).

  8. Atheist Nun

    25 Fox Newseses?!? That’s it. Get the fuck out, you motherfuckers. Time to start your own country.

  9. Orangeen

    Tucker Carlson. Father of Buckley. Heir to the Swanson frozen food fortune. Basically, the Preppy Killer was more endearing.

  10. WickedWitch

    If Joe the Headcase hadn’t been personally moving his books straight from the shipping room to the remainders table at Borders, mebbe he could’ve started the Riot at the Shoreham.

    You know, keeping America safe from all those panty-waisted, dancing-on-TV-cuz-they-can effete pundits.

    Of course, those poor conservative whippersnappers who are now unemployed could ask Tucker how he’s able to keep a job and all — THAT would be a speech I’d attend!

  11. bitchincamaro

    “Don’t just comment on the news, but dig it up and make it” in Fox-ese translates: “Dig it, we don’t just comment on the news, we make it up.”

  12. NebraskashireGentry

    the speech of Ms. Buchanan and crowd response to Mr. Carlson prove that, if it ever truly existed, the era of intelligent conservative discourse is now most certainly over…it probably ended a decade ago but we can pretend.

    they attended CPAC, tried to turn the tide and learned what Mr. Brooks (admittedly, a devil but a lovable one) already acknowledged: smart conservatives are elected by ginning up support from disparate coalitions of dumb ones.

    it was a confidence game. a few losses in major elections and that confidence eroded. now conservatives see just how different they all are (well, except the shared stupidity) and without a single unifying or original idea among them, it seems a party in its death throes.

    a modern tragedy.

  13. Mothra Stewart

    Tucker C.: “I am literally in the process of stockpiling weapons and moving to Idaho” He shall become Mark Fuhman’s houseboy. This IS good news! Yes, Tucker, Republican ‘journalists’ need to “get out there and find out what’s going on”. It would make for an extreme change. News: “Dig it up and make it” or “Make it up and dig it”?

  14. Orangeen

    Oh yeah, another thing. If we really want to enrage that mob, we should let them know about the clip that was on (gasp) Talking Points Memo in which Tucker Carlson called the Sarah Palin choice….reckless! One thing that does piss me off about Tucker in particular is that he is such a smarmy rich kid, liberal arts college drop out type who got where he was because of family connections, yet he is constantly railing against “liberal elites”. Bitch, please. The Queen of England has more street cred than you. Just because you go to Ron Paul parties does not make you cool, especially when you get back on MSNBC and whine that all the freaks showed up.

  15. Atheist Nun

    [re=254193]Bearbloke[/re]: You don’t think he bought all of those bowties with hard-earned money earned off the sweat of his brow, do you?

    BOWTIE = TRUST FUND

  16. The Station Manager

    I love how he was booed for insisting that the New York Times actually gathers news. This by a crowd that I doubt ever even looked at a newspaper, let alone the New York Times.

  17. Orangeen

    [re=254193]Bearbloke[/re]:

    I guess his Mom is. This is what his wikipedia says. Even if this is wrong and he isn’t, let’s just say he is because it makes soooooo much sense.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tucker_Carlson

    “Tucker Carlson is the son of Richard Warner Carlson, who has been a member of the Project for a New American Century and the PNAC offshoot Foundation for Defense of Democracies, a former banker, a Los Angeles local news anchor, U.S. ambassador to the Seychelles, director of the U.S. Information Agency, and president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. He also established Lewis Scooter Libby’s defense fund. Tucker Carlson’s mother is the former Patricia Caroline Swanson. She is an heir to the Swanson’s food fortune.”

  18. The Helvetica Scenario

    A poem entitled New York Times, by John McGuirk.

    New York Times? New York TIMES?
    You think you’re better than us? US?! US.
    U.S. USA. No way.

    The end.

  19. Woodwards Friend

    Watching these CPAC Youtubes is a little like watching the Jacobins separate Danton’s head from Danton’s body. Citizen Plumber and his allies need not be lectured about professional standards, truth, or reality by an upper class elitist like Tucker Carlson. Take his head off at his buttoned down collar.

  20. V572625694

    [re=254197]Atheist Nun[/re]: “BOWTIE = TRUST FUND”

    Really? Other, non-George-Will examples, please!

    I’d have thought it was BOWTIE = closeted gay, or…
    BOWTIE = self-important gasbag who fancies himself charmingly eccentric, but isn’t.

  21. MarieDeGournay

    [re=254160]Garrett3000[/re]: Please share. Nothing makes me happier than seeing these wingnuts lose all credibility by nearly killing one of their own.

  22. Mad Farmer Manifest

    You have to commend him for his bravery. I’d be sweaty and disheveled giving that message to that audience. I’d also be packing heat and wearing a bulletproof suit.

  23. Come here a minute

    Damned for faint praise, that’s a new one.

    Way to go Tucker, you are a brilliant idiot for FAILing to know your audience — regurgitating rightwing talking points on MSNBC, complimenting the New York Times at CPAC — classic stuff. Is this Andy Kaufmanesque performance art? Kudos, sir!

  24. shanemacgowan

    The Chicago Tribune is a conservative news organization that cares about getting its facts right. It went bankrupt.

  25. WadISay

    Tucker, you poor dumb shit. Here, I could write a better speech than that for you, and I’m a total leftie. Please use as you see fit.

    My fellow Conservatives: Our beloved country does not have a legitimate president. (5 minutes for applause) We have, in Barack HOOOOOSAAAAANNNNEEE O-bamination a Kenyan Marxist (frequently interrupted for cheering), suckled at the nipples of Rev. Wright and Bill Ayers (weeping and wild cheering), who is taking this country down the Marxist road to Islam-o-Fascism (fainting, rending garments, ambulances called) The Vienna Boys’ Choir is in town! Let’s par-tay! (Carlson acclaimed POTUS, stampede for exits)

  26. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=254248]shanemacgowan[/re]: I don’t agree with your facts. I am Fox News, and I am SWIMMING in money.

  27. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=254231]Come here a minute[/re]: I laughed out loud when the youtube movie thing was playing, because it is absolutely true that Old Tuck said exactly what you just should not fucking say. It’s like walking into Beijing and screaming “FREE TIBET!!!11!” or something. DO. NOT. DO.

  28. smellyal8r

    Tucker knows that the Bill Kristol spot is still open and he’s hoping Arthur Sulzberger gets his hands on this and voila, new conservative columnist for the NYT.

  29. Schadenfried

    [re=254167]BadKitty[/re]: Nope, he’s a big boy now, he even graduated to drinking out of a cup.

  30. DustBowlBlues

    [re=254163]V572625694[/re]: “To be fair, Begala was and is just as irritating.”

    Fucking liberals–that’s why we always lose in the long run. It’s that fairness shit we’re so hung up on.

  31. Neon Trotsky

    Pfft, “facts”! As if. We all know that relying on recycling hyperbolic caricatures and things posted commenters on right-wing blogs are just as valid as news…

  32. Fivetree

    Why did they cut off the video and leave out the part where the zombie horde surrounds him and tears him apart and eats his entrails?

  33. 2druk2phluq

    I have to believe this video has been doctored. All existing information on Tucker Carlson long ago led to the inescapable conclusion that Tucker Carlson does not have the capability of inspiring even the most basic human emotions in his audiences. If, however, by some stretch of the imagination this video is real, then it really is newsworthy. It would indicate that the creature known as Carlson has evolved somewhat, thus proving Darwin and the absence of God in the universe. There could be no god capable of subjecting his living creations to more Tucker Carlson, or at least not a kind and loving god.

  34. hobgoblin of little minds

    [re=254272]Fivetree[/re]: Zombies crave brains, which were in short supply at this little shindig. Jesus goblins, maybe?

  35. Neilist

    Hey, how come Tucker didn’t give the speech wearing the panda bear costume he was wearing in the earlier post?

    (You know, the panda bear costume that he wears to salvage what is left of his “show business career” after the Jon “Stop Hurting America” Stewart got done with him.

  36. Hooray For Anything

    [re=254249]WadISay[/re]: You forgot to add this part “and if we let NObama get away with eveything, every church will have to let the gays get married, they’ll take away our guns, and he’ll use the Fairness Doctrine to have ACORN arrest Rush Limbaugh!”

  37. Neilist

    This just in: CNN reports that a preppy dork in a panda suit was caught beating up a queer in a CPAC mens room . . . .

  38. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=254246]Dorje Chenmo[/re]: Well, aren’t you the fancy one? Ramen noodles here are 6 for a $1.25. We’re saving Stouffer’s for Thanksgiving; provided we all make it til November!

  39. DangerousLiberal

    What do these right wing nutters have to bitch about? Judy Miller was totally carrying water for the neocons and their fantasies about WMDs. The Times, against all known logic, gave Bill Kristol a real print column, not some on-line consolation prize. They still print David Brooks’ meanderings. And yet the GOPoisie is still ungrateful. These assholes need to be given a one-way ticket to Gitmo. Let’s see how they like waterboarding then.

  40. gil mann

    Fun fact: Rachel Maddow wouldn’t be the hot new thing on cable right now if it weren’t for Tucker Carlson.

    Because the media’s so liberal, see.

  41. TeddyS

    Forget Wikipedia. This is from Who’s Who in America: “Carlson, Tucker, newsthing, actor, soldier, hairstylist. b. Mountaintop in Tennessee. d. 2009, flayed alive at convention of political nobodies. Grade school dropout; U.S. Army, 1968, private, wounded in battle, winner of Congressional Medal of Honor, promoted to general. Lead fife player, Florida A&M, marching band. New York, first male Rockette. Author: Why Ann Coulder and I are never seen in the same place, at the same time.

  42. El Pinche

    [re=254192]Mothra Stewart[/re]: Check out the poll Hannity has on his web site (no worries, its through balloon-juice, so you won’t get hannity fecal matter on ya):

    http://www.balloon-juice.com/?p=17812#comments

    If that’s not inciting stockpiling and american terrorism, then i don’t know what does.

    If something happens to Barry, I will find 100 paultards and hunt him down like a dog.

  43. hockeymom

    Breaking CPAC news….and please god, let there be video.

    Minnesota’s Favorite Lawmaker, Michelle Bachmann tells Michael Steele “You be da man, you be da man”. Now imagine that line delivered in full Fargoese.

    She’s so hip, that Michelle.

  44. AWOcoholic

    Oh. God. Yes. MoreMoreMore!!!

    What a magnificent collection of clowns and cretins! Anything that could even be misinterpreted as reasonable will be shouted down. These are the people who were in the crowd for John McCain’s concession speech.

  45. MarieDeGournay

    [re=254190]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: It would only be a tragedy if there was a noble soul involved, which there isn’t.

  46. Meaty Ochre

    Did he say “make the news up?” That would be a lot easier to fact check, I guess. “Next on FOX, Hussein Obama sells nuke secrets to Somali warlords. With facts we made up to prove it.”

  47. gurukalehuru

    I hate it that wingnuts hate the New York Times, which I consider to be a right wing shitrag of a pathetic travesty of what was once called journalism.
    Give it up, NYT. They will never love you, as long as you have “New York” in your name.

  48. kinginyellow

    Speaking of news outlets, why does Wonkette’s blogroll link to Buzzflash.com, this bizarre site run by a libtard in Chicago who is constantly asking for “dollars for democracy” and claiming he is “vital to fighting the right-wing smear machine”?

  49. Hooray For Anything

    [re=254298]hockeymom[/re]: Wow, Bachman & Steele on stage together is the Love Boat/Fantasy Island crossover episode of Fail.

  50. Bruno

    [re=254171]Serolf Divad[/re]: Please advise exactly where I can get a couple ounces of coke for just $200.

  51. archaeo-angel

    Aw shucks..how can the NY times POSSIBLY be ACCURATE if they don’t agree with everything I hear on Limbaugh? Do you think I was born yesterday ALSO!? The Bible says (now I know this is true because my preecher said so, even tho I cain’t read meself) NEVER trust mainstream media or you will go to HE double hockey sticks FOR REAL! ALSO!

  52. The Neoskeptic

    [re=254169]TJBeck[/re]: that’s the smartest thing i’ve ever heard anyone say about anything, ever.

  53. Mitchbailey

    Hey Tucker, conservatives don’t need to mimic liberals twisting truth. They do a great job of it already. Oh, and BTW, YOU SUCK! (I just needed to say that)

  54. Tommy Says Soooo

    This is interesting for one point. If Tucker had any brains (I know, debatable), he’d do an Arianna and call all the righties nuts.

    He’s already made bank, and he will get pseudo-cred from the moderate Dems. He even might get some sorority girl tail.

    The libtards will still hate him, but a man’s gotta think about his CAREER. Christopher Buckley is way smarter than this guy.

  55. norbizness

    Tucker is a national treasure, the equivalent of those preppy fucks in the movie ‘Trading Places’ who serenade those sorority chicks with verses of ribaldry. He doesn’t realize that he’s addressing a convention full of racist jocks.

  56. brown_recluse

    Has Tucker Carlson dyed his hair? I think he came to CPAC dressed up as the lead singer of Fallout Boy.
    As a funny aside, the word “goth” is an insult for my nephew’s grade school generation as “hippie” was for mine.

  57. thefrontpage

    Who is “Tucker Carlson?” What is “CPAC?”

    The former should simply be a reporter, reporting the news, not doing any more of these dumb talking-heads things, either in person or on television, anywhere, and no one cares about the latter one anymore. CPAC? In 2009? Anytime during the past 45 years? Are you kidding? These people need to get real.

  58. DustBowlBlues

    [re=254280]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: What is your power, oh Texas Bulldoggette, that you can always make me laugh?

  59. DustBowlBlues

    [re=254281]DangerousLiberal[/re]: The only worthwhile thing about reading Brooks or seeing him on the Newshour is listening to the tortured defense he gives for the right. Soon, every conservative who’s ever read a book by someone other than Limbaugh and his ilk will have to give up sounding vaguely intelligent and join the “He’s black. He’s not a citizen,” etc. attack on the president.

    Or become liberals, which they would be in the first place if they had more sense and compassion than they do money.

    My sense of fairness chides me thusly: “Well, well, well, Ms. Dusty–Aren’t we in a snippy mood today?”

    My real self responds: “Fuck off.”

  60. DustBowlBlues

    [re=254332]bago[/re]: I’m doing my part–no volcanoes (so far!) in the Dust Bowl. And I’m astonished at how easily it is to follow the wonkeratti’s tra8il through the bloggy things. Just look for the truck nutz references.

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