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NATIONAL TRAGEDIES

BREAKING: Romney ‘Family Jewels’ Stolen!

Looks like the illegal Mexican “help” have gone a BRIDGE TOO FAR this time… [YouTube]


4:20 PM on Thu February 26 2009
By Jim Newell
1609 Views

  1. The Frogurt Is Also Cursed says at 4:21 pm, February 26th, 2009

    TESTICLES!

  2. The Cold Sea says at 4:23 pm, February 26th, 2009

    The dude standing to his left took them. Look at his face. Look at his look. He took the family jewels and tea bagged himself.

  3. Wow, there’s a whole town in Utah called “Romney Park City”? I had no idea!

  4. Iggy Plop says at 4:24 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Family jewels?!? Shenanigans. I’m betting anything I got that the friggin space alien is smoother than a Ken doll down there. No gonads whatsoever.

  5. planet-arium says at 4:24 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Nuts! Missed the first post.

  6. Neon Trotsky says at 4:24 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Is MSNBC suggesting that there is a place named “Romney Park City, UT”? Because, I, for one, would believe such a thing…

  7. Family jewels? Out of the closet?
    I can safely predict the next 30 comments.

  8. The Helvetica Scenario says at 4:24 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Ruby encrusted Trucknutz.

  9. Kev-O-Tron says at 4:25 pm, February 26th, 2009

    I thought Sarah Palin had his balls in her purse.

  10. V572625694 says at 4:26 pm, February 26th, 2009

    If those “maintenance crews” at Mitten’s ski lodge are illegals already (as must certainly be the case), they get to go home to Mey-hee-koh for free, right? Win for everyone!

    Or else Gitmo.

  11. SayItWithWookies says at 4:28 pm, February 26th, 2009

    “The golden plates were right here! I swear! Wait — guys, wait!”

  12. Apparently, they savaged his Magic Underpants.

  13. Fido finally takes his revenge. Good dog.

  14. SlouchingTowardsWasilla says at 4:31 pm, February 26th, 2009

    I hope they didn’t get the magic underwear.

  15. jagorev: Yeah, Romney needs a whole city? How many wives does this guy have?

  16. shanemacgowan says at 4:31 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Fucking Moroni. First he loses the golden plates, now this.

  17. Uncle Al says at 4:31 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Jeez, is there anything he won’t do to get back on TV?

  18. One Yield Regular says at 4:31 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Why did Mitt Romney wait until these jewels were stolen, instead of selling them to help struggling Americans pay their bad mortgages in their Struggling Americans Park City shacks? Why does Mitt Romney hate America so much? Also.

  19. snideinplainsight says at 4:32 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Who moved my cheese?

  20. shortsshortsshorts says at 4:32 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Kev-O-Tron: Thank you for that.

  21. chascates says at 4:32 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Turns out the magical underwear weren’t that magical.

  22. TGY: Pillaged. I meant pillaged. But ’savaged’ will do.

  23. OMG, I just came home and $12m of my family jewels were stolen too. Should I call AIG now or wait for the police?

  24. randomsausage says at 4:35 pm, February 26th, 2009

    I didn’t know he sported a tiara. Gay, gay and thrice gay.

  25. I wonder if the thief left a backwards ‘B’ carved into his closet door.

  26. NoWireHangers says at 4:36 pm, February 26th, 2009

    They’re gonna need a seer stone to crack this case.

  27. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:37 pm, February 26th, 2009

    …that’s what he get for hiding his family jewels in his “Magic Underwear” drawer! That is the first place I’d look!

  28. BeatrixSlaughter says at 4:37 pm, February 26th, 2009

    When they find who done it, the punishment will be to accompany the Romney’s on their next family vacation. They’ll get the best seat for the trip, strapped to the roof of the car.

  29. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:39 pm, February 26th, 2009

    …its not like he need ‘em, he already has like 8 kids already?!

  30. randomsausage: It’s a dark secret that a tiara is absolutely necessary for the innermost mormon rituals.

  31. Jukesgrrl says at 4:41 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Isn’t that one of the multi-million dollar mansions that is for sale? Who in their right mind posts videos of their for-sale house-they-don’t-even-live-in on the Internet and then leaves JEWELS in it? Someone stole his brain a long time ago.

  32. Hooray For Anything says at 4:41 pm, February 26th, 2009

    From the looks of Romney, I’m guessing nobody stole the family spray tan machine.

  33. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:42 pm, February 26th, 2009

    …hmmmmmmmmm, where is Nadia “Octo-Mom” Suleman?!?! Just saying!!!

  34. NoWireHangers says at 4:43 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Romney family theft is a viable form of employment in today’s rough economy.

  35. Serolf Divad says at 4:43 pm, February 26th, 2009

    WTF!!!! I take my eyes off the screen for five minutes to get some of these exams graded and I miss the most awesome snarkable moment of the day?

  36. forgracie says at 4:45 pm, February 26th, 2009

    This stuff justs writes itself doesn’t it?
    Maybe the help was getting their SS payment on the sly.

  37. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:46 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Serolf Divad: …you arent the only one! I hop in my car to go home(20 minute drive) and I miss like 3 thread! RACISM!

  38. Come here a minute says at 4:46 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Never hire a maintenance guy named Joe Smith.

  39. randomsausage says at 4:48 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Park City. That’s the bluest place in whole of Red state Utah. Mittens is Phoney McPhoney of Phoneyville USA. Palin’s gonna whip your bejeweled magic underpanted ass in the primaries.

  40. Poor Mitt. Resorting to insurance fraud to pay off his campaign debt. And having Panela Smart hide the jewels in her panties is just a little too Mormony for the rest of us.

  41. Obama did pledge to spread the wealth around. Sorry, Mitt - his agenda won. Suck it up.

  42. IceCreamEmpress says at 4:51 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Look in the pompadour, for Christ’s sake. LOOK IN THE POMPADOUR!

  43. Nerdalicious says at 4:53 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Did they steal the evil ring from Dark Lord Sauron from the Middle Earth? As long as they don’t steal the Hopey Diamond from Prez, we’re all safe.

  44. El Pinche says at 5:00 pm, February 26th, 2009

    I thought the majical underwear protect a mormon’s bawls? Morrrooonii!!!! why you!!!

  45. Nerdalicious says at 5:02 pm, February 26th, 2009

    ph7:
    Yes, Joe Biden, the wealth regulator & overseer of the States bailout, had the megamillion dollar jewels stolen from Blake Carrington (Mittens) from “Dynasty”, you know the super rich dude from the 80’s who got crazy rich from Reaganomics. There just happens to be 50 jewels, one for each state, enough to feed, clothe & give health care to those low life sick poor people in each state. Thanks Joe Biden!

  46. assistant/atlas says at 5:04 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Man, what happened to all the white Republicans? They all seem to be black, brown or orange these days…

  47. lawrenceofthedesert says at 5:05 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Mormons aren’t supposed to drink, smoke or do drugs; with no family jewels, is life worth living with 17 wives? Was Mittbling lifted to buy publicity for latest Marie Osmond hunger strike? Was Joe Smith the original plumber? These stories and more on Latter Day Saints Tonight, on location in Nauvoo.

  48. Nerdalicious says at 5:11 pm, February 26th, 2009

    MMMMM..I don’t know if this is related or not but: A few days ago Mittens was putting up for sale 2 of his megamansions, one of which is the Utah spread. Insurance fraud anyone?????? Maybe Mittens invested a s**t load of his megawealth with Madoff (as in ha ha I Made Off With Your Life Savings & All I Got Was Locked Up In A Plush Penthouse on 5th Ave) &/or Stanford.

  49. Texan Bulldoggette says at 5:14 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Too bad they weren’t stolen before he had a hundred boys who all ’serve their country by working on their dad’s presidential campaign.’ How will these patriotic boys be able to cope until 2012?

  50. Nerdalicious says at 5:24 pm, February 26th, 2009

    DEAR SIR/MADAM,
    First, let me start from introducing myself I’m PETER SHABANGU, the first son of MRS. SUSAN SHABANGU the Deputy Minister of safety and security since 29th April 2004 under the auspices of the former president of South Africa MR. THABO MBEKI till date. After due deliberation, I decided to contact you for your assistance in standing as the beneficiary to the sum of US$16M (Sixteen Million United States Dollars). You can view my mother’s profile at this website click on contact information, then click on Deputy Minister, finally click on safety and security and read about my mother.

    Since we wuz talkin’ about the Internets Scammers. I thought I would share this from may mail today: from the Honorable Peter She Bang U.

  51. gliberal says at 5:25 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Mitt! Did you look up your own sphincter?

  52. Red Zeppelin says at 5:31 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Let’s hope they didn’t take his fudgepacker as well!

  53. El Pinche says at 5:32 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Once again, the republicans’ timing is impeccable. Most of sold our family jewels in for hobo bags and ripple. Fuck your jewels and choke on a dog dick, Mitt.

  54. Nerdalicious says at 5:33 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Wonkette Puleaz post your wonderful pic of Mittens with the blue rubber gloves & fudge. I think it would be appropriate & hilarious with the stolen family jewels and all. Tanks.

  55. IceCreamEmpress says at 5:45 pm, February 26th, 2009

    “Family jewels” = “whore diamonds from back in the day” y/y?

  56. Atheist Nun says at 5:50 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Mitt has no family jewels? What the hell am I going to kick him in now?

    [ ] The Ass
    [ ] The Pussy
    [ ] The Hair
    [ ] The Kneecaps
    [ ] Space Alien Jesus
    [ ] All Of The Above

  57. Hedley Lamar says at 6:16 pm, February 26th, 2009

    I’ll bet the Marriotts stole them. Times are tough in hotel land.

  58. dearcatastrophecarlos says at 6:33 pm, February 26th, 2009

    “Look, I’m just like you! I can no longer afford the mortgage on my home (the family vacation ski ski lodge) and have been grossly affected by theft (of the family jewels).”

    Romney 2012
    JUST LIKE YOU

  59. Mothra Stewart says at 6:51 pm, February 26th, 2009

    He’s already used those jewels enough!

  60. Violenza says at 7:20 pm, February 26th, 2009

    This has got to be a scam of some sort. He is SOOOOOO orange, even more so than usual?

  61. BeatrixSlaughter: If I had to cross the country with a carload of Romneys, I think I’d request the “strapped to the roof” option.

  62. Bearbloke says at 11:06 pm, February 26th, 2009

    Are you sure one of his wives hasn’t get ‘em???

  63. Meaty Ochre says at 11:53 pm, February 26th, 2009

    He had 20 jewels lying around waiting for someone to steal them and the libruls are the elitists? If that makes sense, maybe there IS a Moroni…

  64. Pogue_Mahone says at 9:44 am, February 27th, 2009

    Wow!! His underwear truly are magical… They made his family jewels disappear.
    /rimshot

    Cheers.

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