Young Conservatives: They’re Young, And Conservative, &c.

  what the youths are up to

GET A JOB PIERCEPerhaps in honor of CPAC, but with no mention of CPAC at all, the Washington Post has run a delightful “color piece” this morning about what it’s for young Republican hatchlings looking for work in Washington, where they are no longer welcome. Basically there are about seven of these people, total, all gaming for one position at Grover Norquist’s tax place. Let us learn more about these out-of-luck patriots, by block-quoting a few of the funny things they say.

Oh look they’re having a fun party with all of their favorite stuff! That’s a happy thing, right? Wheeeee beer and music! Ha ha ha small problem though — they all want to KILL THEMSELVES.

Organized by an employee at the Grover Norquist-led Americans for Tax Reform, the party in the pub’s back barroom seems naturally suited for this group: Fox News is playing alongside the Dave Matthews tracks. One drink special, $5 for a down-on-the-heels set, seems almost too perfect a nostalgic prop: “The Gipper,” concocted with bourbon.

Spencer Barrs, 22, a Heritage Foundation intern, is talking with his buddies about feelings of alienation.

Like most bad things, this can be blamed on young liberal bloggers.

His friend John O’Keefe, 23, another conservative think-tank intern who might be out of a job after his internship ends in May, dismisses his liberal contemporaries. “The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation,” he says…

Lastly, here’s the Washington Post reporter trying to tell us that this dude is gay, as gay as the day is long:

At the Union Pub, Dustin Siggins, 24, says he sometimes uses humor to deflect the awkwardness of being on the margins of his generation. “I met a girl today at the gym from Boston College. She was getting a law degree from George Washington. She was cute,” he says. “But she wants to work for the ACLU, and I said, ‘Oh, you’re one of those.’”

Later, in a phone interview, Siggins says he struggles with some of his party’s more culturally orthodox ideals. “Because I am in this generation and was raised in a pro-gay-marriage era, I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47,” he says. “I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up. In college, I used to have lunch with them. . . . We went ice skating once.”

This guy has 12 to 30 gay friends in Washington? Well he must have a pretty swanky Republican Hill staffer job. That’s the whole *point* of knowing gay people here, for power.

Young Conservatives Feel Left Out [WP via Gawker]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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93 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    It just so happens that his 12-30 gay friends are also the only Republicans in D.C., and they stand strong together against marrying one another, our of masochism.

  2. Serolf Divad

    “I met a girl today at the gym from Boston College. She was getting a law degree from George Washington. She was cute,” he says. “But she wants to work for the ACLU, and I said, ‘Oh, you’re one of those.’”

    WTF?!?! Are all Conservatives total douchebags who could never get laid with a woman who has even a smidgen of self-respect? Actually, Yes, yes they are.

  3. Crankenstank

    Dave Matthews – he’s the hip sound of today’s youth, alright. When were they popular again? Was it…1994? Can anyone say “Ants Marching” for the young GOOPers?

  4. 2druk2phluq

    “A delightful color piece about what it’s for young Republican hatchlings looking for work…”

    Assume the bottoms up position, young failures, for that’s what it is. All about. Also.

  5. BobLoblawLawBlog

    Did Stephen Glass write this? Cause I can’t believe there were no reach-arounds offered on the heels of that ice skating reminiscence.

  6. lawrenceofthedesert

    Mom was playing tennis at the country club and Dad was traveling on business, but they left me an email saying that we were conservative, so I guess we are, whatever that means. I think it has something to do with “family values” and “responsibility,” but I haven’t had a chance to track them down about it. They’re skiing next week and I’ve got mid-terms, but soon…

  7. AngryBlakGuy

    “She was cute,” he says. “But she wants to work for the ACLU, and I said, ‘Oh, you’re one of those.”

    Does this guy ever get laid?! Even a total mental regressive knows that it doesn’t matter what comes out of woman’s mouth as long as she is hot!!! You cant imagine some of the shyt I have done/said to score some azz!

  8. daisy chain

    He went ice-skating with all 30 of his gay Republican friends at once? What was that, Log Cabin Convention on Ice?

  9. SayItWithWookies

    “But she wants to work for the ACLU, and I said, ‘Oh, you’re one of those.’”
    That was this dude’s example of humor? Someone who likes this guy better take him aside and pre-emptively explain to him that watermelons on the White House lawn is not funny. Also, he should just plain not trust his instincts, ever.

  10. GDTRFB

    “only thing they have are blogs”…We also have Law Degrees, Masters Degrees, Work Ethic, Talent, Thoughtfulness, Attraction to Age-Appropriate Members of the Opposite Sex…

  11. Nerdalicious

    “I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up.”

    Dear Weenie,
    They may all back you up, but don’t drop the soap.

  12. Dave J.

    “Because I am in this generation and was raised in a pro-gay-marriage era, I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47,”

    Nate Silver just called, and his regression models indicate this guy is 100% gay.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    [re=253619]Serolf Divad[/re]:
    Holy fuck. That’s a bad date and I know because I’ve, um, created a few bad ones myself.

  14. Woodwards Friend

    I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47,” he says.

    What the fuck does that mean? Is he 84% opposed to the stimulus bill? 3.14159265% opposed to the Iraq War?

    Personally I’m 93.4% in favor of letting Larry Craig ass rape this kid until he cries.

  15. chascates

    “My family sacrificed everything to come to this country so the government wouldn’t interfere with their lives,” Inclan says.

    But their version of government interferes with sexual and reproductive matters, tolerance of religion and beliefs, and wants a society where there are no regulations to protect anyone.

  16. V572625694

    “They only thing they have are blogs, they feel like gods of our generation,” he says…

    At least he got one part right, after it was corrected.

  17. Vartan84

    “Justin Rand, 24, formerly a “confidential assistant” in the White House’s drug policy office, exited right before the election to work on John McCain’s campaign — so, he hoped, he could remain at the White House. After McCain’s loss, Rand could no longer stay in Washington…”

    Wow. Just wow. Are you serious? You waited until JUST BEFORE the election to decide now is a good time to work on John McCain’s campaign?? I would feel sorry for you but I can’t stop laughing at the brilliance of your decision. Sorry you had to go home, but this is just DC natural selection at work. People who decide the best way to remain in the White House is to quit and work for John McCain “right before the election” don’t deserve to be there, period. Perhaps you can get a job as a ‘confidential assistant’ at an upper-middle tier Wasilla methlab.

  18. silversilver

    So I read a blog about D.C./politics and I’ve gotta see pics of Leslie and UT fratties? J/K, keep up the good work.

  19. Judas Peckerwood

    Several years ago, the woman I was dating issued an ultimatum: either I went with her to a Dave Matthews concert, or we were through. Needless to say, I chose to become single, and I’ve never regretted my choice for a second.

  20. shellyboo98

    Did I miss the memo? When did “listening to Dave Matthews Band” = conservative? I’m a neosoul girl myself so I may be out of the loop but…huh???

  21. suchsweetthunder

    [re=253633]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I thought the term for cruising teh gay bars was “minority whip.” Why didn’t you send me the memo?

  22. turkey lurkey

    [re=253653]pattycake[/re]: That’s definitely Leslie. A young republican now? I’m so disappointed.

  23. Anonymous Office Zombie

    His friend John O’Keefe, 23, another conservative think-tank intern who might be out of a job after his internship ends in May, dismisses his liberal contemporaries. “The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation,” he says…

    I suppose that includes you guys too, being that Wonkette was voted the best liberal blog of ’08. So, tell us, Jim, how does it feel to be a god of a generation?

  24. american mutt

    [re=253636]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: agreed. if i didn’t believe michelle malkin excretes venom when she orgasms, I’d so hit that… really, really, hard.

  25. Serolf Divad

    [re=253688]Judas Peckerwood[/re]:

    Did you immediately take her best friend on a date to a Dave Matthews concert? Because you should have.

  26. PrairiePossum

    Hey, young conservatives – Have I got a drink special for you…

    Abortion
    1 oz white creme de cacao
    1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
    1 oz Bailey’s® Irish cream
    1 splash grenadine syrup

    Shake ingredients and serve in a shot glass.
    Welcome to the dark side, kids.

  27. Canuck13652

    [re=253655]Dave J.[/re]: How can you only be a little bit against gay marriage? Like, he’s okay with the gaiz getting gay married only if they marry someone fat and ugly and unfabulous and promise no buttsechs (i.e. have a heterosexual message except with a dude?)

    And I was pretty gay in DC (ironically enough, also doing law at GWU and an ACLU member) and I dunno if I knew 20 or 30 other ‘mos.

  28. WadISay

    I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up… …into an oncoming Metroliner.

  29. american mutt

    [re=253727]Canuck13652[/re]: yeah, i used to be pretty gay for a hetero: didn’t date girls, no girlfriend, virgin till 23, skinny, etc. and had no gay friends cept for one. i have like two now. turns out i was just a nerd. 20 or 30 gay friends? you better have some magic the gathering in shoe boxes underneath your bed.

  30. One Yield Regular

    [re=253619]Serolf Divad[/re]: I’m pretty sure that by “one of those” he meant: anatomically female.

  31. Another DC Lawyer (Again)

    Are we sure that WaPo didn’t just stumble into a LNS “party” by mistake…pretty sure when you are named “Spencer Barrs [Roman Numeral Ommitted]” you get a lifetime LNS membership.

  32. JDHART

    Those poor misunderstood young Republicans. Who knew that Bushies were such horrible people? Oh, yeah, everyone with a brain.

  33. bitchincamaro

    [re=253636]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: “You cant imagine some of the shyt I have done/said to score some azz!” Oh, we can. And that is why even we atheists here, pray for your soul.

  34. FMA

    [re=253782]bitchincamaro[/re]: If by praying for AngryBlakGuy’s soul, you really mean we hope to follow the example he has set for all of us, count me in.

  35. Hound

    Chellyboo98, Dave Matthews is what republicans listen to when they want to get high before date-raping someone.

  36. shellyboo98

    [re=253814]Hound[/re]: Ooooooh! Thanks for clarifying. Someone was cranking Dave Matthews one summer on my college campus. Explains that rash of date rapes that year.

  37. S.Luggo

    [re=253662]chascates[/re]: Ms. Inclan, former McCain Victory Director, will be at CPAC on Saturday, supplementing her meager salary by giving hand jobs in the hotel parking garage.

    http://www.citizensincharge.org/blog/bettina/join-us-this-saturday
    “Join us on Saturday, February 28th from 2:00 – 3:30 pm EST at a unique interactive event during CPAC entitled “Love Taking Charge?: The Common Sense Tool for Kickin’ *** One State at a Time.””

  38. Mr Blifil

    Fuck the puppy, Obama ought to take pity and adopt one of these losers as the family pet. As strange as they come off in that article, at least they are unlikely to pee and poop on the Oval Office rugs. Well, on second thought…

  39. Terry

    “The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation,”

    Remember in high school when the loser kid would lose the student government election and then complain that it was all just a popularity contest?

  40. Scarab

    I can’t be the first to point out that Pi Phi (the guy’s t-shirt) is a sorority – Pi Beta Phi.
    Both my mom and sister were Pi Phis. But now that I think about it both they slept with men!

  41. PrairiePossum

    [re=253831]Mr Blifil[/re]:

    Plus, it would be fun to hit em with a rolled up newspaper and put a shock collar on ‘em.

  42. dearcatastrophecarlos

    We went ice skating once? Well, I once had sex with one. He’ll totes back up that I’m slightly only against gay marriage.

  43. ManchuCandidate

    To any young Cons out there:

    You guys are feeling the pain of what it was like to be a young communist in 1989 as the USSR crumbled away and everyone started pointing and laughing them for still believing in the TOTAL EPIC fail that was the workers paradise.

    Not many “rational” people want to listen to you bitch about high taxes and Demrat fiscal irresponsibility considering the political ideology you believe in crapped up the US gubbiment to the tune of 6 TRILLION in new debt nor this strong on defense when you can’t even catch a 6’6″ tall Muslin. Plus the whole Katrina thing or yapping about economic growth as we sit on the precipice of economic depression.

    A nicer person might say that you will learn from this experience. However, knowing more than a few cons I have come to realize that learning from experience is not a Con strength and that most of you will spend the rest of your lives trying to justify/deny failure. So, um, good luck with that.

    Finally get used to people laughing at you. Also.

  44. Dave J.

    “The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation,”

    Well, plus the presidency, the House, and the Senate. But, yeah, I guess we also have the blogs.

  45. Bruno

    [re=253620]heroinmule[/re]: So basically this means that when Republicans are in power, many Republicans have work (not jobs of course), but when the Republicans are out of power, they are unemployed. Hmmm, I’m not sure what to think about that

  46. Bruno

    “The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation”

    Jim, these guys are having dreams they are caliber enough to hang out with you.

  47. Gallowglass

    I went to high school with a bunch of these guys. The geeky ones who sit at home of a Friday evening, weeping silently and furiously masturbating to footage of Reagan speeches. Most of them grow out of it by the time they discover girls.

    As to the last guy, the think tank intern, I am pleased that complete political agreement is demanded of a mate. It means that most of them will probably never breed.

    As the gay bit, I am a hopeless libtard and I think I can only claim to really know about 7 openly gay people, although I guess I never actively sought to find gay folk to befriend. This guy knows a whole platoon of them and claim they will “back him up” about his tepid opposition to gay marriage? I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.

  48. Bearbloke

    [re=253644]GDTRFB[/re]: that depends, or course, what you mean by ‘opposite’… but you’re still on the right track…

  49. zhubajie

    They can always join the Army. The infantry needs conservative people. If they can read and write, maybe they can get promoted to corporal. Likewise, I’m sure the Corps is looking for a few good men to die on Afghanistan’s plains.

  50. slinkimalinki

    “I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, ”
    “The only thing they have are blogs.”
    blogs and basic mathematical knowledge.

  51. Traveler

    [re=254164]zhubajie[/re]: About joining the Army that was exactly the same thing I thought. These American partiots should head on over to the local recruiting office and sign on up. The Marines are always looking for a few good men and in these times of trouble these pitiful sself-pitying specimens might even pass muster. I see a reality show in this.

Comments are closed.