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George Will enjoys the obscure sexual practice known as 'bunting'Tuesday night, we saw George Will recoiling at the sight of two men hugging and Wonkette’s own Ken Layne asked, “Oh, George Will, what will offend your delicate sensibilities next?” And now we have our answer. The answer is two people kissing, if they are not married.

The idea is this: people used to erupt in frenzied tantrums of shame at the mention of an awful deed like premarital sex. Now they reserve their outrage for processed foods, while salaciously teabagging each other out of wedlock.

This is bad for society, because people need to quit having so many babies when they aren’t married. Plus, sex leads to AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases.

In other words, George Will has never heard of a marvelous little invention called “the condom,” which provides the dual benefits of birth control and protection against various diseases.

Also, he secretly masturbates to thoughts of Betty Draper making mashed potatoes with heavy cream and butter.

Prudes at Dinner, Gluttons in Bed [The Washington Post]

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  • user-of-owls

    I’m guessing Betty Crocker is more George’s style.

  • Scarab

    George Will, on the cutting edge of 1960s thought.

  • Bruno

    George Will: The 90 Year Old Virgin.

    Coming to Theaters soon.

  • Bruno

    George Will: The 90 Year Old Vigin.

    Coming to Theaters soon.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Hugging? No. Masturbating to Betty Draper making potatoes?

    Oh fuck yeah.

  • shanemacgowan
  • PerhapsSo

    Is the moral pole he refers to the opposite of a stripper pole?

  • donner_froh

    Also, he secretly masturbates to thoughts of Betty Draper making mashed potatoes with heavy cream and butter.

    He masturbates using a paisley bow tie as a testicle cuff.

  • Mr Blifil

    I’m glad the old man is sticking to his guns. He deserves a pat on the ass. And a vibrator along his perineum.

  • Watchreader

    I especially like how he compares the two as if they couldn’t possibly be related. I guess it never occurred to him that we might be eating healthier because we’re having more sex, or vice versa.

  • rmontcal

    “Also, he secretly masturbates to thoughts of Betty Draper making mashed potatoes with heavy cream and butter.”

    Who doesn’t?

  • magic titty

    Uhh, Ken . . . everyone masturbates to Betty Draper doing that.

  • Cape Clod

    He’s right. Fat people are less likely to attract a sexual partner. Stuff your pie hole everyone, and we’ll have fewer unwanted babies.

  • PsycGirl

    But if the people are married, they can be wildly fornicating on the White House lawn and that’s OK?

  • TGY

    He has a bad case of old.

    Also, Frenching or no?

  • freakishlystrong

    Poor George, he needs the Enjoli chick to show him whassup…

  • Zadig

    Man, who doesn’t masturbate to that particular scenario, though, also?

    I can see where he’s going here, though. There totally is a good comparison between diet and sex, because only the far wings of various ideologies assign heavy moral judgements upon others for their choices in either category.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=253298]Cape Clod[/re]: I don’t know about that. Americans have been stuffing shit down their faces for quite a while, and the babies keep rolling out of various formations of cellulite, like a by-product of all those processed foods…

  • WadISay

    True Dis: Some years ago, my wife was in London, on business, staying at a swank hotel. On her way to her room, she got into an elevator with George Will, who was carrying a large wheel of cheese up to his room (I now assume to cram it up his ass).

  • S.Luggo

    Can haz cheeseburger?

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Will cites a fellow at Stanford University’s Hoover Institution for this nugget. Wasn’t the douchetard who was whining that we were “quite literally teetering on an Obama implosion” also a fellow there? Is this Stanford’s school for the intellectually challenged?

  • S.Luggo

    “The rules being drawn around food receive some force from the fact that people are uncomfortable with how far the sexual revolution has gone — and not knowing what to do about it, they turn for increasing consolation to mining morality out of what they eat.”
    My head just exploded. She’s a gustatory Lady Noonington.

    Why do these people all write alike? I mean, really.

  • freakishlystrong

    I think we’re off to a good start here: 11:10 am and we’ve had teabagging, salad tossing and masturbating to mashed potatoes. HEEENNNGGGHHH…

  • S.Luggo

    [re=253304]WadISay[/re]: Was there a two inch hole in the middle of the wheel?

  • ManchuCandidate

    George thinks that sex is supposed to be angry and hateful like Anal without lube or pounding your partner’s head into the headboard or worse.

    I once had a friend who dated a RW fundie and she was the dirtiest woman ever although the sex wasn’t all that good. She enjoyed being gradated. He tells me that it was fun for a while till she started getting freakier and freakier. Apparently, he drew the line at waste products.

  • Clamps

    Betty Draper making potatoes is this generation’s Lorraine McFly going “parking”.

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=253313]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
    Fucking Spell check. Degraded not gradated (still, um, thinking about Betty Draper covered in mashed potatoes…)

  • BillyClubb

    …for the first time ever, most people in advanced nations “are more or less free to have all the sex and food they want.”

    Um… this has not been true in my case.

  • WadISay

    [re=253310]S.Luggo[/re]: Two inches, he wishes.

  • twowheeljunkie

    Masturbates to thoughts of Betty Draper making mashed potatoes with heavy cream and butter.

    You betcha.

  • Bearbloke

    Someone tell that Bunt to STFU…

  • Scarab

    Better sex partner; thin-lipped, private school-educated, conservative or wild-haired, vegan with a Kali tattoo?
    I’m just saying, George Will probably never got any of the good stuff.

  • 4tehlulz

    But does George stick his dick in the mashed potatoes?

  • wavingnotdrowning

    George Will ate my balls

  • honkeyman

    Well I took my potatoes down to be mashed
    Everybody’s gonna be there at the Saturday night bash

  • Come here a minute

    I do not care for George Will — so in lieu of reading his column I will just assume it is all about having sex with mashed potatoes.

  • Woodwards Friend

    I really wish I could have gone my entire life without seeing the words “sexual smorgasbord” in a George Will column.

  • Gorillionaire

    [re=253328]honkeyman[/re]: Ooooo baby, ooooo weeee…

  • x111e7thst

    Will is just mad that the bluehatted teabag girl keeps turning him down,

  • iolanthe

    [re=253325]Scarab[/re]: I’m sorry. I’ve met many a wild-haired vegan with a Kali tattoo who has been a boring, narcissistic, insufferable douche … and *not* all that great sexually, once you got the trendy shit like Shibari out of your systems together.

  • ph7

    Poor George. Just because your seed carries Down syndrome, doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t throw it around…

  • BigBrainOnBrad

    As a vegan I get really sickened when people like Will insinuate that morality and ethics as they apply to food choices are just some kind of feel-good placebo for people who lack traditional religious scruples about their bodies. The way certain foods (especially meat and dairy) are produced has a profound effect on many people around the world whether they choose to consume them or not. Animal farming is arguably one of the most destructive ecological practices on the planet. Not to mention the fact that corporate promotion of unhealthy animal-based diets is sickening and kiling millions of people.

    Sorry for the lack of snark. Maybe if I wish George Will would choke to death on a mouthful of pickled bull testes while clutching frantically at his sissified bow tie I can make up for it.

  • hansdog

    [re=253318]BillyClubb[/re]: Where can I sign up for one of these “advance nations”? I must have missed the memo somehow.

  • Scarab

    [re=253340]iolanthe[/re]:
    Still, compared to Bay Buchanan or Mary Matalin… *shudder*

  • PsycGirl

    [re=253330]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Wonder if he knows that an old term for a buffet table is a “groaning board”?

  • hansdog

    This Geo. Will is the guy we all knew in 3rd grade – the one with glasses who tucked his sweater into his belted pants – who the teacher adored and the cool kids made fun of.
    Now here he is today, telling us losers (me) about sex and other hedonist pleasures. Now the circle is complete.

  • sux2bu

    Ahhhh, George Will – Chicken soup for the teabagging soul!

  • P Drizzle

    Ok, Joan doesn’t mash any potatoes but she is soooo much hotter than Betty:

    http://thebigboobblog.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/christina-magazine.jpg

  • The Cold Sea

    George needs to go down to the DC Eagle and get fisted. It’ll do him good to get that frustration out.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    [re=253347]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: Oh sweet Jesus.

    But back to Will. I’m pretty sure that the amount of good sex a pundit is having is inversely proportional to the amount of bitching and moaning he or she devotes to the subject of sex. Someone please fuck George Will good and hard so we can stop with all this crap.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Haha. Maybe Wonkette should hire me for their open position of Future-Mid-Term-Snark-Projects-Planner: Here’s what I said Tuesday:

    Lascauxcaveman says at 1:05 pm, February 25th, 2009
    – Reply

    All that kissing he’s been seeing on the teevee these days is embarrassing him.

  • The Neoskeptic

    i want to hear George Will’s opinion of my sex life like a want to hear Peggy Noonan’s advice on where to score a bag of primo weed –

    in otherwords, that motherfucker don’t know shit about shit

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=253318]BillyClubb[/re]: Oh of course it’s true. You just need to lower your standards a bit.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=253347]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: LOLz at the True Believer. Almost as bad as a Christ Potato (hey, there’s food for thought) except your religion is at least based on facts, not fairy tales.

    I think we should all think a little more like you, but not too much.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=253285]Bruno[/re]: And we thought the era of the double-bill was gone.

  • stew

    George Will’s ex-wife might have a thing or two to say about George’s views on adultry. “Take it somewhere else, buster!” was the sign she posted on her front lawn, and it wasn’t about eating bad food…buster!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Today, there is, concerning food, “a level of metaphysical attentiveness” previously invested in sex…

    No George, it wasn’t metaphysical attentiveness — it was superstition and constricting social custom, rightfully shed. Part of the failure of old-timey religion (in effectiveness if not popularity) is that we now know that revelation from God is a completely crappy way of making accurate statements about the empirical world. Sexually liberated people generally understand this, and find that humanistic scientific materialism is a far better approach for learning about reality. Really, as an intelligent agnostic, I thought you would be clued in to this, but nevermind.

    Now you also argue that out-of-wedlock childbirths are increasing. Might this be a result not of increased libertinism, but rather two obvious trends that have been going on ever since Roe v. Wade: the continued suppression of sex education in favor of abstinence, and the constriction of places where one can get an abortion? It’s an amazing correlation, really — make people dumber and take away their tools for dealing with the real world, and they will do worse in the real world. It’s not just sex where that happens — look at your party, for instance.

    So can we just agree to disagree George? We both have different ways of getting off, but I’m never gonna like yours, and you’re never gonna like mine. So I won’t tell you to have a threesome with a couple of hot chicks if you stop telling me to stick my head up my ass.

  • chascates

    “… in the 1980s, while still married to his first wife, Will was romantically linked to Lally Weymouth, daughter of Washington Post owner Katharine Graham, according to Washingtonian magazine (1/87). When Will moved out on his wife and children, he found his office furniture dumped on his front lawn with a note reading, “Take it somewhere else, buster” (Salon, 2/12/98). Though the lamentable lack of shame in U.S. society is a common theme in Will’s writing, shame, like other principles he touts, seems to be for other people.”

  • Cold War Unicorns

    Author of “Men at Work” eh? Sounds like a gay Bear fisting porno, if you ask me. “And so Fred plunged into the dank and musty manhole. The stench was unbearable, but he had a job to do and boy howdy was he gonna do it.”

  • Zorg

    I always thought that George Will masturbated while looking at the Yosuf Karsh portrait of Sir Winston Churchill… into a Wedgewood teacup… to which he would add a spoonful of Cooper’s Oxford vintage cut marmalade, mix it up and spread it on a toasted crumpet… then eat it with great sighs of enjoyment.

  • PAbitter

    [re=253541]chascates[/re]: Oh wow, that is a bundle of win.

    Also, given the waste-lines of most current Americans, I’d argue that we have fewer hang-ups about food then Will thinks we have.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=253432]The Cold Sea[/re]: with the tobacco-spit of the Washington Nationals as lube?

  • Bearbloke

    [re=253567]PAbitter[/re]: I thought the “waste-lines” were the typed-out text of Will’s articles, books and commentaries…

  • dmac

    I can’t believe this column began with the assertion that Americans eat healthy nowadays. Maybe he’s actually writing from some kind of time machine.

  • The King of Spoons

    I know that “pundits” are really just assholes paid to draw connections where they don’t exist, but… jesus. This really just amounts to an even more annoying and drawn out way of saying “I don’t approve of these lifestyles.” Just motherfucking say it! Say it every column. Mix in some ignorance on climate change as necessary to spice things up.

  • americanscandoanything

    people don’t view sex like they do food?

    please explain flavored condoms and edible panties

    I’m waiting….

  • Jonny Lieberman

    “while salaciously teabagging each other” is the best thing ever.

    Ever!

  • saggyboobedhag

    Again, who likes this guy?

    My grandmother (beforeshediedgodresthersoul) watched endless reruns of Hee Haw and Lawrence Welk. But once I pointed out the joys of Saturday Night Live she followed it religiously, often laughing so hard she’d cry.

    So it’s just a matter of redirecting baby George’s readers to something that will truly entertain them. Like ANYTHING ELSE.

  • K. Signal Eingang

    Apparently George Will didn’t get the Hip-Hop Party memo.

  • imissopus

    Further proof that George Will has finally run out of ideas for columns. He should be taken out to the barn so one of his ranch hands can shoot a bolt gun through his brain.

  • zhubajie

    Probably GW is a secret Mormon polygamist of the most extreme variety.

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