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Bobby Jindal’s speechwriters, they are Gods. Check out this little one-two he pulled on the Democrats. See, he sets it up all good-like by saying that the stimulus package included “$140 million for something called ‘volcano monitoring,'” like wtf is that right, and then KA-CHING: “Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C.” Get this guy a Washington Post column! He’d fit right in, because everyone already despises him.

The liberal scientists are furious:

While the claim was factually inaccurate (the $140 million will go to the US Geological Survey, of which volcanic research is only a part), scientists are also decrying Jindal’s comments as a blast of hot volcanic air.

“Apparently the governor of Louisiana doesn’t remember any of the major volcanic eruptions in recent history,” said a professor of geology at Yale University who has studied volcanoes around the world, Mark Brandon. “Volcanic monitoring right now is absolutely essential for protecting lives and property. The amount of money invested compared to the amount of money returned is trivial. It’s not just some hobby—if the governor were in a volcanic eruption he’d realize that the people who do that work are very useful in protecting you from direct hazards.”

Oooh, well aren’t you smart, Mr. Yaleypants, what with your Yale teachy job in the fancy sciences. If you love volcanoes so much, why don’t you gay-marry them? AT YALE? For the rest of us *serious* folk, however, it’s quite clear that those volcanoes will be less likely to erupt if we just give everyone a capital gains tax cut.

Jindal’s Eruption of Hot Gas [Daily Beast]

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95 COMMENTS

  1. Well there’s this: you can monitor the living shit out all the volcanoes you can find, but when they blow, no force on earth can stop them. Still, it would be nice to have a few minutes to get the cat into the car, though, before you leave home…forever!

  2. Yeah, volcano monitoring, that’s almost as ridiculous as NOAA looking out for hurricanes! The free market will fix it….don’t worry your pretty heads.

    Seriously? This guy is the bright star?

  3. The funding doesn’t EXIST to monitor all the eruptions in Washington. We can barely keep track of the ones involving hookers and child victims. Bobby Jindal cannot be trusted to balance a budget.

  4. I’d suggest that the irony gods send him a nice unmonitored volcano, but I have too many folks I love in Louisiana. Maybe just a tiny one? Like that could fit in his toilet? Bet nobody’s monitoring that…

  5. “Apparently the governor of Louisiana doesn’t remember any of the major volcanic eruptions in recent history,” said a professor of geology at Yale University who has studied volcanoes around the world, Mark Brandon.

    Hey, MARK BRANDON, maybe you should listen to what this nice professor says.

  6. Jindal is such a whimp. Sure he’ll take on the obscure tax-wasting science of Volcanology but does he have the stones to take on those publicity hound money-sucking-louts at the National Hurricane Center. Hell, the work those guys do only benefits a handful of states and… oh, wait.

  7. Bobby could save us all $140 million by explaining to all those book learners at The US Geologic Survey to refer to Revelations for the volcano eruption schedule.

  8. I bet they’re using overhead projectors to look at the volcanoes, hehgnnnn!

    (Does anybody but me even remember that reference? The debates feel so long ago. NOSTALGIC TEAR)

  9. This was a swipe at Sarah Palin, because the volcano monitoring is going on in large part in Alaska.

    Pity he had to bring partisan politics to the national crisis.

  10. Oh, stop picking on Bobby! It’s like ridiculing the retarded kid in class. It’s all fun and games until someone starts crying and pees on himself and then you guys will be sorry.

  11. Jindal was just happy in his pants because “Slumdog” won so many Oscars, so he thought he could step up and be Mister Conservative. He forgot that Republicans will let them women and blacks have the lesser jobs, but when it comes to standing at the top, you’ve got to be WASPy. Sorry, Piyush, your daddy had it wrong. Only SOME Americans can do anything.

  12. What does one say when they have nothing? See Jindal and Republicans et al. They have nothing, zero, zilch, nada…and so they can only keep repeating the same tired stuff. It’s getting pretty sad actually.

  13. Volcanic eruptions are a sign of God’s wrath against a disobedient nation. The best way to “monitor” the likelihood of another volcanic eruption is to keep track of how many gay marriages have been performed in America. The higher the number, the greater the likelihood that our nation will be consumed by ash, fire and lava.

  14. Haven’t you people seen Dante’s Peak? Barack Obama is Pierce Brosnan, and Bobby Jindal is the cranky city councilman or whoever that won’t let him evacuate the town. If the Democrats don’t step up, we’re all going to be wiped out in an impressive-for-the-time dam explosion special effects extravaganza.

  15. we’ll just let people in their boats rescue us from volcano eruptions. Then, we can privately build new private hospitals, private schools and private roads. We’ll even build private levees for private communities where people privately private themselves in the privates.

    Besides, the only people who have to worry about volcanoes are Hawaiian muslins.

  16. I say, Leftenant, these Hindoos know nothing of their surroundings, do they? At least we can count on that Mohamadean President to foretell natural disasters which might befall our fair Raj.

    Right … the thing that kills me about Jingle Jangle is that he sounds like every other cornpone Louisiana politician in the world. I say, I say, I say, son! We don’t need nunna dem haah-speed rayl laahnes!

  17. [re=252593]actor212[/re]: I’m sure Alaska has no business with volcano monitoring — Governor Palin knows that the Feds aren’t the answer to their problems — they are the problem. Oh, but keep the money coming in, of course.

  18. What about hot spots like Yellowstone? Sure it’s all nice and geyserish now, with antelope and pandas and whatever the hell runs around out there, but suppose it becomes a hellhole in a few months? We won’t have to worry about “taxes” or “food” or “housing” (well, maybe someone who gets into a mine shaft with enough food and non-toxic water). They can fill out their 1040’s.

  19. C’mon people! Everyone knows that volcano monitoring is just a silly job with no responsibilities! Try being a Wall Street financier with a corner office and a trust fund, for once.

    That shit is HARD.

  20. Well, volcano activity is precisly why the libruls want a magnetic rail to Nevada, to escape the un-monitored volcanic explosions in California…

  21. What’s he got against maglev trains? There’s one from the Shanghai airport that goes over 200 mph and the ride is so smooth you can balance a cup of coffee on your knee. He also seems to have something against the government buying new cars. What’s left–Okie wagons? Pushcarts? Maybe cool fighting chariots like in Ben Hur? Oh–I get it–it’s elephants, obv.

  22. Like blind albino shrimp that live all their lives in a cave, Jindal’s speechwriters knew the speech needed something, some kind of color by way of an example at this point. They just didn’t know what.

  23. Hm… Jindal versus the volcano. Me likee.

    Piyush knows that all you have to do to protect your village from Pele is sacrifice a virgin. That’s what abstinence only sex (non)education is about, having plenty of sacrifices on hand in case of a geologic or climatic emergency.

  24. Did anyone see that Discover channel show on how Yellowstone is a supervolcano that will eventually blow half the continent into space or something? Can someone keep an eye on that, please?

  25. Don’t you people understand, how can we trust the Government to accurately monitor volcanoes when Government is the problem. You know what’ll help us monitor volcanoes? Lower taxes.

  26. [re=252633]Red Zeppelin[/re]:

    Maglevs are an abomination against God… because they employ electro-magnets to defy God’s law of gravity. Magnets, of course, are also an abomination against God, placed on Earth by the Devil to mock the Allmighty.

  27. Bush has degrees from Yale and Harvard. Dandi Piyush has a Harvard degree. Just how selective are these very selective colleges? What do they teach there? Is it the same stuff they study at Oral Roberts U.? Regents?

  28. [re=252597]actor212[/re]: A volcano gives you the best BJ you’ll ever have. Also the last.

    [re=252642]Serolf Divad[/re], [re=252651]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Isn’t it obvious Governor Krishna thinks maglev is “magic levitation” and therefore the work of the Evil One. Get the behind me!

  29. [re=252608]Serolf Divad[/re]: In parts of the nation not subject to volcanic eruptions, Gawd will substitute plagues of winged serpents to torment the evil-doers. Six of one, half a dozen of the other if you ask me.

  30. [re=252585]TurdBlossom[/re]: What if the Governor of Washington State had said “And they want to spend $140 Million on something called ‘hurricane monitoring’? What about the out of control hurricane of spending in DC?

    I didn’t know that bills could be written spending amounts as small as $140 mill.

  31. I have news for you, Mr. Piyush the 30Rock Page. We’re monitoring volcanoes over there so they won’t follow us over here. In fact, President Hopey is about to create the brand new Department of Lava Security.

  32. all this diversity in the GOP is really confusing the Base. That’s why Bobby has to talk like he’s addressing the senile and the retarded.

  33. “it’s quite clear that those volcanoes will be less likely to erupt if we just give everyone a capital gains tax cut.”

    love it. wonkette quote of the week.

  34. Let me tell you a story… This one time, in college, when Piyush “Bobby” Jindal was about to have his own volcanic eruption, but the girl said “uh, no thank you,” so then he kidnapped her and performed an exorcism on her against her will. The end.

    The moral of the story is: Let your angry volcano penis erupt all over some porn if you can’t get someone to agree to have sex with you, or you will end up a repressed shithead who talks like an extra from Deliverance.

  35. The President should squeeze in another $140 million to monitor the eruption of government spending in Washington, and thank the governor of Louisiana for the idea. Then it becomes a full-time federal study commission and maybe even a Cabinet department that issues millions of reports every year. Thanks, Bobby.

  36. [re=252638]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Sounds like a new job description for Senator Lieberman. Thank you Vanity Smurf! There’s $140 million saved right there!

  37. I’m not concerned at all with this monitering business of what’s it called? Volcanoes? Well, here in Washington State, we’ve never had a problem with these so-called “volcanoes”.

  38. [re=252593]actor212[/re]: Yes, and one is about to blow, also. Maybe. If it does, it puts ash into the air. Which gets into airplane engines. Which almost causes planes to crash. Christ, if I knew that any idiot could get into and graduate from the Kennedy School, I would have applied. Dumbass.

  39. [re=252638]Vanity Smurf[/re]: virgins may be handy in case of climatic emergencies, but not so much in case of climactic emergencies. And I think I know where this nation’s priorities lie.

  40. [re=252707]slithytoves[/re]: maybe we can tell all the idiot wingnuts that they are giving away free trucknuts with a entrance pass to yellowstone?

  41. Don’t go messing with Teh Great God Kali. If she wants volcanoes to go balooey, you shouldn’t try to predict her actions. Any good Hindoo would know that.

  42. Holy Shiva, Piyush keeps it stupid, doesn’t he? I’m pretty sure he was in the good ol’ US of A when Mount St Helens blew, right? That wasn’t much fun.

  43. [re=252706]Arthur B. Ablabab[/re]: Seriously. You get drunk in LA and then take a train THAT LEVITATES OVER THE TRACKS USING MAGNETS to Las Vegas where you get even more drunk and lose a lot of money at gambling but you don’t care because you were on a fucking train that was fucking levitating over the tracks, using magnets.

  44. [re=252628]Trace[/re]: Actually, I will be stopping the volcanic eruptions with my cock. By buttsecksing the volcano.

    *sigh*…That’s all I’ve got, Piyush makes me haz a sad.

    [re=252706]Arthur B. Ablabab[/re]: Here, here! I, for one, am ready to accept a $10 trillion debt if I can get some motherfuckin’ maglev trains out of the deal.

  45. They’re just taking jobs away from small, hard-working volcano monitoring businesses like mine. I guess I’ll have to go back to my old job at the Louisiana Watercraft Regulatory Commission.

  46. As a lifelong Democrat who has happily listened to many of her coworkers venting about Bobby Jindal’s apparent vendetta against people who live near volcanos (there’s a very large and lovely volcano in view just outside our window), I’m thrilled to hear that the Republican party is no longer interested in the votes of citizens from Washinton, Oregon, Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, California, Wyoming, New Mexico and Arizona, prefering for them to instead die horrible deaths by incineration.

    And good luck getting any of their representatives to vote for hurricane monitoring funds, Mr Jindall.

  47. [re=252706]Arthur B. Ablabab[/re]: yeah, turns out to be a myth, the tease.

    It wouldn’t be a proper republican speech without some major dis-information.

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