really just a bad speech

Bobby Jindal Enrages Volcano Monitoring People By Mocking Volcano Monitoring People

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Bobby Jindal’s speechwriters, they are Gods. Check out this little one-two he pulled on the Democrats. See, he sets it up all good-like by saying that the stimulus package included “$140 million for something called ‘volcano monitoring,'” like wtf is that right, and then KA-CHING: “Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C.” Get this guy a Washington Post column! He’d fit right in, because everyone already despises him.

The liberal scientists are furious:

While the claim was factually inaccurate (the $140 million will go to the US Geological Survey, of which volcanic research is only a part), scientists are also decrying Jindal’s comments as a blast of hot volcanic air.

“Apparently the governor of Louisiana doesn’t remember any of the major volcanic eruptions in recent history,” said a professor of geology at Yale University who has studied volcanoes around the world, Mark Brandon. “Volcanic monitoring right now is absolutely essential for protecting lives and property. The amount of money invested compared to the amount of money returned is trivial. It’s not just some hobby—if the governor were in a volcanic eruption he’d realize that the people who do that work are very useful in protecting you from direct hazards.”

Oooh, well aren’t you smart, Mr. Yaleypants, what with your Yale teachy job in the fancy sciences. If you love volcanoes so much, why don’t you gay-marry them? AT YALE? For the rest of us *serious* folk, however, it’s quite clear that those volcanoes will be less likely to erupt if we just give everyone a capital gains tax cut.

Jindal’s Eruption of Hot Gas [Daily Beast]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • V572625694

    Well there’s this: you can monitor the living shit out all the volcanoes you can find, but when they blow, no force on earth can stop them. Still, it would be nice to have a few minutes to get the cat into the car, though, before you leave home…forever!

  • Gopherit

    Yeah, volcano monitoring, that’s almost as ridiculous as NOAA looking out for hurricanes! The free market will fix it….don’t worry your pretty heads.

    Seriously? This guy is the bright star?

  • Dr. Spaceman

    If I wanted the government to protect me from natural disasters, I’ll move to Cuba.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    The funding doesn’t EXIST to monitor all the eruptions in Washington. We can barely keep track of the ones involving hookers and child victims. Bobby Jindal cannot be trusted to balance a budget.

  • frumious_bandersnatch

    I’d suggest that the irony gods send him a nice unmonitored volcano, but I have too many folks I love in Louisiana. Maybe just a tiny one? Like that could fit in his toilet? Bet nobody’s monitoring that…

  • willdude

    “Apparently the governor of Louisiana doesn’t remember any of the major volcanic eruptions in recent history,” said a professor of geology at Yale University who has studied volcanoes around the world, Mark Brandon.

    Hey, MARK BRANDON, maybe you should listen to what this nice professor says.

  • Bearbloke

    They will call down the WRATH of the Volcano goddess Pele upon him and his candy-striped ties!!1!!

  • TurdBlossom

    If there’s one thing the governor of the state destroyed by Katrina doesn’t want, it’s early monitoring for natural disasters.

  • Paterlanger

    Jindal is such a whimp. Sure he’ll take on the obscure tax-wasting science of Volcanology but does he have the stones to take on those publicity hound money-sucking-louts at the National Hurricane Center. Hell, the work those guys do only benefits a handful of states and… oh, wait.

  • Formerly Preferred

    In fairness, what would the governor of Louisiana know about the destruction caused by natural disasters?

  • ph7

    Bobby could save us all $140 million by explaining to all those book learners at The US Geologic Survey to refer to Revelations for the volcano eruption schedule.

  • PomPom

    I bet they’re using overhead projectors to look at the volcanoes, hehgnnnn!

    (Does anybody but me even remember that reference? The debates feel so long ago. NOSTALGIC TEAR)

  • actor212

    This was a swipe at Sarah Palin, because the volcano monitoring is going on in large part in Alaska.

    Pity he had to bring partisan politics to the national crisis.

  • esd2020

    [re=252573]V572625694[/re]: Well jeez, we’ll never defeat the geological terrorists with that attitude

  • actor212

    [re=252573]V572625694[/re]: Volcanoes blow?

    I’m interested in your website and would like to subscribe to your news feed.

  • shellyboo98

    Oh, stop picking on Bobby! It’s like ridiculing the retarded kid in class. It’s all fun and games until someone starts crying and pees on himself and then you guys will be sorry.

  • Mr Blifil

    Is that a volcano in your pants, Piyush, or did all the attention just make you SHIT YOURSELF?

  • Red Zeppelin

    Now if it were Jimmy Buffet doing the monitoring, I would not mind at all. I doubt those guys at Yale even know how to make margaritas.

  • CaliforniaMike

    Jindal was just happy in his pants because “Slumdog” won so many Oscars, so he thought he could step up and be Mister Conservative. He forgot that Republicans will let them women and blacks have the lesser jobs, but when it comes to standing at the top, you’ve got to be WASPy. Sorry, Piyush, your daddy had it wrong. Only SOME Americans can do anything.

  • AfghanVet

    What does one say when they have nothing? See Jindal and Republicans et al. They have nothing, zero, zilch, nada…and so they can only keep repeating the same tired stuff. It’s getting pretty sad actually.

  • Serolf Divad

    Volcanic eruptions are a sign of God’s wrath against a disobedient nation. The best way to “monitor” the likelihood of another volcanic eruption is to keep track of how many gay marriages have been performed in America. The higher the number, the greater the likelihood that our nation will be consumed by ash, fire and lava.

  • AfghanVet

    [re=252573]V572625694[/re]: If they blow, volcanos must be Republican. Ba DA boom.

  • agentstinky

    Haven’t you people seen Dante’s Peak? Barack Obama is Pierce Brosnan, and Bobby Jindal is the cranky city councilman or whoever that won’t let him evacuate the town. If the Democrats don’t step up, we’re all going to be wiped out in an impressive-for-the-time dam explosion special effects extravaganza.

  • Delicious

    Well, we could thrown in another $140 million for devil monitoring.

  • doxastic

    we’ll just let people in their boats rescue us from volcano eruptions. Then, we can privately build new private hospitals, private schools and private roads. We’ll even build private levees for private communities where people privately private themselves in the privates.

    Besides, the only people who have to worry about volcanoes are Hawaiian muslins.

  • PomPom

    “First they came for the volcano monitors but I said nothing, because I am not a volcano monitor.”

  • President Beeblebrox

    I say, Leftenant, these Hindoos know nothing of their surroundings, do they? At least we can count on that Mohamadean President to foretell natural disasters which might befall our fair Raj.

    Right … the thing that kills me about Jingle Jangle is that he sounds like every other cornpone Louisiana politician in the world. I say, I say, I say, son! We don’t need nunna dem haah-speed rayl laahnes!

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=252593]actor212[/re]: I’m sure Alaska has no business with volcano monitoring — Governor Palin knows that the Feds aren’t the answer to their problems — they are the problem. Oh, but keep the money coming in, of course.

  • qwerty42

    What about hot spots like Yellowstone? Sure it’s all nice and geyserish now, with antelope and pandas and whatever the hell runs around out there, but suppose it becomes a hellhole in a few months? We won’t have to worry about “taxes” or “food” or “housing” (well, maybe someone who gets into a mine shaft with enough food and non-toxic water). They can fill out their 1040’s.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=252593]actor212[/re]: Yeah, he doesn’t want Moose Dumpling to be around in 2012, so get rid of all that damn volcano monitoring.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    C’mon people! Everyone knows that volcano monitoring is just a silly job with no responsibilities! Try being a Wall Street financier with a corner office and a trust fund, for once.

    That shit is HARD.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Today, we are all volcano-monitoring scientists.

  • Trace

    Maybe we should sit down and talk to the volcanoes and give them a hug and then they won’t erupt, you liberals love that gay touchy-feely crap.

  • freakishlystrong

    Well, volcano activity is precisly why the libruls want a magnetic rail to Nevada, to escape the un-monitored volcanic explosions in California…

  • Red Zeppelin

    What’s he got against maglev trains? There’s one from the Shanghai airport that goes over 200 mph and the ride is so smooth you can balance a cup of coffee on your knee. He also seems to have something against the government buying new cars. What’s left–Okie wagons? Pushcarts? Maybe cool fighting chariots like in Ben Hur? Oh–I get it–it’s elephants, obv.

  • Bruno

    [re=252606]CaliforniaMike[/re]: I heard those slumdog kids are all lil’ Republicans, looking to have their unborn kiddies in Californialand

  • WadISay

    Like blind albino shrimp that live all their lives in a cave, Jindal’s speechwriters knew the speech needed something, some kind of color by way of an example at this point. They just didn’t know what.

  • Vanity Smurf

    Hm… Jindal versus the volcano. Me likee.

    Piyush knows that all you have to do to protect your village from Pele is sacrifice a virgin. That’s what abstinence only sex (non)education is about, having plenty of sacrifices on hand in case of a geologic or climatic emergency.

  • NoWireHangers


  • Hamster

    Did anyone see that Discover channel show on how Yellowstone is a supervolcano that will eventually blow half the continent into space or something? Can someone keep an eye on that, please?

  • Hooray For Anything

    Don’t you people understand, how can we trust the Government to accurately monitor volcanoes when Government is the problem. You know what’ll help us monitor volcanoes? Lower taxes.

  • Serolf Divad

    [re=252633]Red Zeppelin[/re]:

    Maglevs are an abomination against God… because they employ electro-magnets to defy God’s law of gravity. Magnets, of course, are also an abomination against God, placed on Earth by the Devil to mock the Allmighty.

  • WadISay

    [re=252573]V572625694[/re]: Even volcanoes don’t fuck with Joe Biden.

  • Zorg

    Bush has degrees from Yale and Harvard. Dandi Piyush has a Harvard degree. Just how selective are these very selective colleges? What do they teach there? Is it the same stuff they study at Oral Roberts U.? Regents?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    OT: but I just received the message FINALLY—
    “Karl Rove is now following you on Twitter!”


  • sarcasticusername

    i’ve always believed that volcanoes can monitor themselves, only a socialist would believe otherwise.

  • Gopherit

    [re=252645]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: No. Way!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    “MAGNETIC LEVITATION” (Krishna’s coming back)

    [re=252639]NoWireHangers[/re]: I see what you did over there.

  • Delicious

    [re=252640]Hamster[/re]: Man, I really hate supervolcanoes.

  • Gopherit

    [re=252643]WadISay[/re]: When did Joe become the new Chuck Norris?

  • Cape Clod

    I, for one, am glad to see someone with the guts to take on Big Volcano.

  • V572625694

    [re=252597]actor212[/re]: A volcano gives you the best BJ you’ll ever have. Also the last.

    [re=252642]Serolf Divad[/re], [re=252651]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Isn’t it obvious Governor Krishna thinks maglev is “magic levitation” and therefore the work of the Evil One. Get the behind me!

  • sux2bu

    [re=252608]Serolf Divad[/re]: In parts of the nation not subject to volcanic eruptions, Gawd will substitute plagues of winged serpents to torment the evil-doers. Six of one, half a dozen of the other if you ask me.

  • McDuff

    [re=252608]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh, that explains all those volcanic eruptions of late in Massachusetts!

  • qwerty42

    [re=252640]Hamster[/re]: The Hawaiian islands are over another hot spot. The Pacific plate has moved, but at one time French Frigate Shoals and islands as far away as Midway were formed by it.


    [re=252585]TurdBlossom[/re]: What if the Governor of Washington State had said “And they want to spend $140 Million on something called ‘hurricane monitoring’? What about the out of control hurricane of spending in DC?

    I didn’t know that bills could be written spending amounts as small as $140 mill.

  • gjdodger

    I have news for you, Mr. Piyush the 30Rock Page. We’re monitoring volcanoes over there so they won’t follow us over here. In fact, President Hopey is about to create the brand new Department of Lava Security.

  • The Cold Sea

    All this talk about eruptions….I’m getting teh hots.

  • Arthur B. Ablabab

    Can someone tell me how a magnetic levitation line from Las Vegas to Disneyland isn’t the raddest thing ever, for every American?

  • slithytoves

    [re=252640]Hamster[/re]: Why? Do you expect to be able to do anything about it?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …”Volcanic monitoring” are for wimps; just like condoms, seat-belts and looking both ways when crossing the street!

  • Fox n Fiends

    all this diversity in the GOP is really confusing the Base. That’s why Bobby has to talk like he’s addressing the senile and the retarded.

  • bluevelvetelvis
  • Rary Guppert

    “it’s quite clear that those volcanoes will be less likely to erupt if we just give everyone a capital gains tax cut.”

    love it. wonkette quote of the week.

  • Atheist Nun

    Let me tell you a story… This one time, in college, when Piyush “Bobby” Jindal was about to have his own volcanic eruption, but the girl said “uh, no thank you,” so then he kidnapped her and performed an exorcism on her against her will. The end.

    The moral of the story is: Let your angry volcano penis erupt all over some porn if you can’t get someone to agree to have sex with you, or you will end up a repressed shithead who talks like an extra from Deliverance.

  • TeddyS

    The President should squeeze in another $140 million to monitor the eruption of government spending in Washington, and thank the governor of Louisiana for the idea. Then it becomes a full-time federal study commission and maybe even a Cabinet department that issues millions of reports every year. Thanks, Bobby.


    [re=252638]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Sounds like a new job description for Senator Lieberman. Thank you Vanity Smurf! There’s $140 million saved right there!

  • lennixlewis

    I’m not concerned at all with this monitering business of what’s it called? Volcanoes? Well, here in Washington State, we’ve never had a problem with these so-called “volcanoes”.

  • Aquannissiwamissoo

    Actually, much of the $140 million is to maintain and operate USGS stream gages, that umm, are used to predict flooding in … umm … places like … um … Louisiana.

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=252593]actor212[/re]: Yes, and one is about to blow, also. Maybe. If it does, it puts ash into the air. Which gets into airplane engines. Which almost causes planes to crash. Christ, if I knew that any idiot could get into and graduate from the Kennedy School, I would have applied. Dumbass.

  • SkimLatteModerate

    This is worse than Palin’s Drosophila schtick. I mean, at least she never pretended to be the “educated” type.

  • TGY

    Scienists are always furious. It’s a hazard of the trade, like being ‘mad’.

  • Links

    [re=252638]Vanity Smurf[/re]: virgins may be handy in case of climatic emergencies, but not so much in case of climactic emergencies. And I think I know where this nation’s priorities lie.

  • Hamster

    [re=252707]slithytoves[/re]: maybe we can tell all the idiot wingnuts that they are giving away free trucknuts with a entrance pass to yellowstone?

  • Come here a minute

    Democratic eruption? I want to go to there!

  • Peanut Inspector

    Don’t go messing with Teh Great God Kali. If she wants volcanoes to go balooey, you shouldn’t try to predict her actions. Any good Hindoo would know that.

  • HopeyDope

    Holy Shiva, Piyush keeps it stupid, doesn’t he? I’m pretty sure he was in the good ol’ US of A when Mount St Helens blew, right? That wasn’t much fun.

  • Dave J.

    [re=252706]Arthur B. Ablabab[/re]: Seriously. You get drunk in LA and then take a train THAT LEVITATES OVER THE TRACKS USING MAGNETS to Las Vegas where you get even more drunk and lose a lot of money at gambling but you don’t care because you were on a fucking train that was fucking levitating over the tracks, using magnets.

  • mylesfromnowhere

    [re=252725]lennixlewis[/re]: In Tennessee, they are monitoring the water craft of the University of TN, the Vol Canoes.

  • fishcanoeski

    [re=252601]Red Zeppelin[/re]:

    Well since no one else has posted the link:

  • texette

    So he is not OK with monitering volcanos, but what about monitering levees? Could one man’s levee be another man’s volcano?

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=252628]Trace[/re]: Actually, I will be stopping the volcanic eruptions with my cock. By buttsecksing the volcano.

    *sigh*…That’s all I’ve got, Piyush makes me haz a sad.

    [re=252706]Arthur B. Ablabab[/re]: Here, here! I, for one, am ready to accept a $10 trillion debt if I can get some motherfuckin’ maglev trains out of the deal.

  • Stalkin&#39

    They’re just taking jobs away from small, hard-working volcano monitoring businesses like mine. I guess I’ll have to go back to my old job at the Louisiana Watercraft Regulatory Commission.

  • Crankenstank

    I will remind everybody that Mt. St. Helen’s happened on Jimmy Carter’s watch. It stopped as soon as Reagan took office. ‘Nuf said.

  • populucious

    As a lifelong Democrat who has happily listened to many of her coworkers venting about Bobby Jindal’s apparent vendetta against people who live near volcanos (there’s a very large and lovely volcano in view just outside our window), I’m thrilled to hear that the Republican party is no longer interested in the votes of citizens from Washinton, Oregon, Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, California, Wyoming, New Mexico and Arizona, prefering for them to instead die horrible deaths by incineration.

    And good luck getting any of their representatives to vote for hurricane monitoring funds, Mr Jindall.

  • randomsausage

    Bobby’s so gay, he wants to take care of that eruption in my pants

  • windupbird

    he seems to have a bit of that Walnuts whistling thing going on. Oy what a dork

  • problemwithcaring

    The funding the USGS isn’t even creating jobs, just work. That’s not hip-hop.

  • sanantonerose

    Volcano monitoring??!! He’s the Indian version of Andy Rooney.

  • sanantonerose

    Yes, but where does Jindal stand on Vulcan monitoring?

  • Darkness

    [re=252706]Arthur B. Ablabab[/re]: yeah, turns out to be a myth, the tease.

    It wouldn’t be a proper republican speech without some major dis-information.

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=252721]Atheist Nun[/re]: On the plus side, he does have a purty mouth.

  • skantea

    Slum Dog Governair!

    We believe in you Bobby!

    American’s can do anything!

  • Zorg

    Well, does anyone think Mahatma Dandi is funny? In Punjabi? No?

  • Bitsy9

    Oh Bobby,

    Your speech turned you into a laughing stock faster than you can say vulcano.

    Comedians are already having a field day with you.

    For example, here is a great video of you calling into the Sean Hannity Show to find some love. Priceless…

    Please keep it up, Bobby!