• May 25, 2012
WE EXPECT NOTHING

February 24, 2009

Liveblogging The Pre-Game To Obama’s Saucy Congressional Gangbang!

by Jim Newell  

Oh jesus we turned on the CNN and the first thing we heard was your favorite Campbell uttering that most terrifying word from 2008: “expectations.” As in, “Hey Roland, what expectations does President Obama have to meet tonight in order to ‘win’ the American people? David and Jeffrey, you guys just chime in, after Roland.” These people do know that Barack Obama won the election, which was last November, right? Anyway let’s see what other post-analytical proverbs of doom the CNN folks can bestow upon us.

8:32 — Campbell Brown shows the results of a Facebook Poll. A number of Facebook users are worried about their “home value” above all else. Isn’t Facebook just a bunch of college kids? No wonder so many of them defaulted!
8:33 — Oh sweet, a commercial break. What’s K-Lo up to?

Now They Tell Us [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

“Obama Wants to Move the Center Left”

Radical communism!
8:35 — Campbell shows up a “live picture” of Obama’s motorcade leaving the White House. This speech, it’s really happening!
8:36 — WOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLFFFFFFFF
8:37 — Ooh, Wolf and Anderson Cooper went to the White House today, and guess what they learned? The speech will be 45 minutes to an hour long. The Obama White House is so transparent.
8:38 — “Here are some old coots on the Senate floor, waiting.”
8:39 — Wolf says that Bobby Jindal has a “very compelling story” to tell America in his response. Maybe… THE EXORCISM STORY?
8:40 — John King: Obama needs to use medical surgeon metaphors, to meet expectations. Extended metaphors. Oh good lord John King is telling the longest medical surgeon metaphor of all time.
8:41 — John King has other metaphors, too. He says the American people want to know if Obama will take “the knife to the sacred cows,” meaning, “will he cut entitlements.” On the other hand, they were just talking about Bobby Jindal, so John King is basically racist.
8:42 — We see that some of you would rather watch MSNBC. Well that’s not in HD on Comcast (DON’T GET US STARTED), and we demand to see every pore of our cable teevee hosts. Besides, MSNBC is nuts.
8:43 — Joe Biden shows up, HEY-O!
8:44 — C’mon, CNN, the people want it, put the camera on America’s new hero. We can hear the chants in the background… Cantor, Cantor, CANTOR, CANTOR…
8:45 — BET’s senior political analyst is on CNN. Guess BET is showing something else?
8:47 — Wow, CNN has the editor of Forbes on, and he says (paraphrasing but not really), “Basically no one is for nationalization of the banks.” Best Political Team on TeeVee, and they don’t even have to read news about politics.
8:49 — Hey there’s Roland Burris entering the Senate behind John McCain. Did you know that Dick Durbin was racist to Roland Burris today?

8:50 — There’s John Kerry! The drinking game rule for a John Kerry sighting is, “cut your eyeball.”
8:51 — Candy Crowley has the scoop on Jindal! We’ll hear both “bedrock conservatism” and “a mea culpa,” so get your dancing pants on.
8:52 — Hey look, it’s our own Mayor Adrian Fenty… yeah, got nothing.
8:53 — Oh thank heavens that Chelsea “Andrew Sullivan” Sullenberger is there, too; he’s more or less the only non-shitsack human being left in America, and we should pay him tax money just to walk across the country and smile and land planes everywhere.
8:54 — CNN warns: the Markets will react immediately, so Obama better be uhh good!
8:55 — Forbes editor screams about Communism and Jacobins.
8:57 — Wonkette editor Ken Layne tells us that Chris Matthews said about Bobby Jindal, “I’m not impressed with this guy one bit.” He picked this verdict arbitrarily out of a hat, it sounds like.
8:59 — WOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
9:00 — Nancy Pelosi introduces Sully Sullen Sullenberg Sullenberger. Love that guy.
9:01 — OK THIS LIVEBLOG IS DONE, disgraced mountain goat Ken Layne will now be writing words for you, here. Good luck, Barry!

{ 105 comments }

PeteJayhawk v2.0 February 24, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Dikembe Mutombo sure knows a lot about the economy. Who would have guessed?

Colander February 24, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Drinking games are my non-guilt way of drinking everyday. My usual ‘cry in the bathroom’ drinking game shall be substituted for this one, for now.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:35 pm

Oh, damn. I was going for the MSNBC nonsense and now I have to change the channel.

Cookie Guggelman February 24, 2009 at 8:36 pm

I want Michelle’s purple coat.

smellyal8r February 24, 2009 at 8:39 pm

I’m sure Mrs. Pelosi has changed into her finest St. John’s power suit for the evening.

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:39 pm

The only liquor I have on hand is port wine. Playing a drinking game with that sounds vaguely disgusting. On the other hand, it’s heavenly with my cheese and crackers… mmmm.

Colander February 24, 2009 at 8:40 pm

Campbell looks a little bloated, y’all, no?

teebob2000 February 24, 2009 at 8:41 pm

I’m looking forward to cut-aways and watching WALNUTS! mumbling “goddam helicopter, goddam helicopter” over and over.

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:41 pm

I’m doing this on CNN? I feel like a whore, unfaithful to my MSNBC gurus.

On the other hand, what difference does it make? This is Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday, my last day of sweets until Easter.

I’m celebrating with cake and my wonkette. Can life get any better?

Fuck, yes.

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Is CNN so broke right now that they’re just going to put random unemployed dudes in their mom’s basement on the teevee screen, and call them “iReporters”?

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Oh geeze — Facebook is sponsoring CNN.com, hence the discussion. I opened their live broadcast and this idiotic little widget came up displaying all the “So-and-so is…” thingies.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:43 pm

[re=250821]Colander[/re]: It’s drinking. With a purpose!!

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:43 pm

[re=250828]jagorev[/re]: For cheese and port, you need: WALNUTS!

English food pun.

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:44 pm

CNN.com is “listening to some of the ambient noise.” Bringing tedium right into your living room.

Jukesgrrl February 24, 2009 at 8:44 pm

What a photo! Just look at those old farts. Not one single non-white face, not one single woman. It’s easy to forget this is how it was only 40 years ago. Thanks, Wonkette. I almost feel like I accomplished something by being a drug-crazed hippie.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 February 24, 2009 at 8:44 pm

Mitch McConnell = Fat Voldemort

hobgoblin of little minds February 24, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Obama better show some epistemological modesty or all hell is gonna break loose.

WadISay February 24, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Is Bobby Jindal getting a Slumdog Millionaire bounce?

PeteJayhawk v2.0 February 24, 2009 at 8:46 pm

Boy it’d be nice if comments didn’t take 5 minutes to show up.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=250828]jagorev[/re]: Elitist.

I’m drinking Sam Adams with a dash of Cadmium Red.

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:46 pm

He says the American people want to know if Obama will take “the knife to the sacred cows,” meaning, “will he cut entitlements.” On the other hand, they were just talking about Bobby Jindal, so John King is basically racist.

and now Pat Buchanan will talk about the need to remove the wasteful, fattening skin from our fiscal fried chicken.

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=250837]jagorev[/re]: Oh, please, my wonkette. May we not do this with Rachel Maddow? I forgot the vile iReporters of which CNN is so fond. Just for the editors, I even avoided ending that sentence with a preposition.

Oh, okay. I’ll switch. I haven’t checked how preggers Campbell is recently.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:47 pm

See and I get hot lesbian action on MSNBC.

Or, Keith and Rachel.

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Eric Holder is the cabinet member not in attendance today. So rest assured America, if everyone dies in a fiery nuclear explosion, we will still have a President whose mere existence will piss off the PUMAs.

90minute5 February 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm

Are you guys live blogging the Republican response

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm

[re=250853]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Sorry, but CNN is beautiful in HD.

Colander February 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm

[re=250828]jagorev[/re]: Yyyyeah, me too. There are people using forties, though, so I think you’ll be good.

lulula February 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm

I’m watching it on CSPAN-was that Joe “Mornin’ Joe” Scarborough on the floor, shaking hands with various people?

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm

At least Jim acknowledged my wish. That’s the kind of love I expect from the person who wants me to vote for him for best local Blogger–or was that cutest local blogger? :-)

recharged95 February 24, 2009 at 8:48 pm

B-man’s in the house.

Where’s my 30%? oh yeah!

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:49 pm

Hey, Lieberman’s walking in. No-one to kissy-kissy now, bitch!

Colander February 24, 2009 at 8:49 pm

[re=250853]DustBowlBlues[/re]: OH SHIT, SHE’S PREGNANT. I totally feel like an asshole now.

defeatism February 24, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Nancy Pelosi, I love you girl, but what the fuck are you wearing.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Hey gang! Good to be bloggin witcha tonight.

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:50 pm

BET only covers real black people, Jim.

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:51 pm

[re=250851]tunamelt[/re]: To be honest, my cheese and crackers are really just Ritz and Cheez Wiz. But hey, I can pretend to be fancy, because otherwise I’d have to give up Hope.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:51 pm

[re=250859]90minute5[/re]: That’s the part I care about. I fully expect Jindal to be brilliant. Brilliant or brilliantly insane, but BRILLIANT LIKE A BUTTERFLY EMERGING FROM A CRAZY ASS COCOON.

OffTheRecord February 24, 2009 at 8:51 pm

It seriously just hit me that I never have to watch Cheney scowl through a speech again when I saw Biden up on that podium.

WadISay February 24, 2009 at 8:51 pm

There’s John Kerry. Barry’s going to ask him to stand up when he needs a graphic example of how dead the economy might be.

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:51 pm

On the other hand, many of us can’t afford HD teevees. (Plays guilt card). Okay, I’ll change now.

How often will the camera settle on Dixie Jew? Looking for signs of that famous Cantor whiney pissed-offness.

That fat lady says Jindal has a compelling story. Ha. Puyish hasn’t accomplished much, according to a LA wonkeratti.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 8:52 pm

Why do women wear red suits? Ho, ho, ho?

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:52 pm

8:50 — There’s John Kerry! The drinking game rule for a John Kerry sighting is, “cut your eyeball.”

Thank God for this Exacto knife.

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Hey did anyone remember to invite Karl Rove? Oh, wait — nevermind.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:54 pm

What makes this extra awesome are the LA City elections next week and these low, low, low budget commercials for City Councilperson and City Attorney and stuff.

Los Angeles, where movies are made and politicians shoot their commercials with what appears to be an iPhone.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 8:55 pm

Oh, boy, we have to watch the Japanese stock market to know how Barry did!

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:55 pm

[re=250866]Colander[/re]: Now that I know the bloated comment was an accident, I’m really laughing. Bloated? I just thought you were an asshole and now you’re just an asshole. Bascially, doesn’t look like you can win this one. :-(

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:56 pm

Oh there’s Judd Gregg. Boy, he looks awkward! Like that guy who accidentally sucked you off before he decided he was straight after all, and then you run into him at your wedding.

WadISay February 24, 2009 at 8:56 pm

I wonder if Michele Bachman will thrust her ovipositor down Obama’s throat.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 8:56 pm

OMG, I have a new diet aid: watching Pelosi’s suit makes me sick.

Colander February 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm

If Slumdog wins tonight, I’m gonna be sooo annoyed.

eastcoastliberal February 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm

I am pouting cause I am on dial up AND I has no teevee here in the sticks of upstate NY. And all I want is a play by play of what’s going on with Keith and Rachel and Big Bird..but NO…SOMEone needs HD! pfffffft

el_chupacabra February 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm

Matthews: Fuck a bunch of Bobby Jindal.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Campbell Brown is all in black and has a little double chin going on. Did I miss a preggers announcement?

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

What is this? President Obama’s got an escort? And one of the is Eric Cantor? Tunamelt’s not the only one with a hot date tonight!

WhiteGM77 February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Is Nancy Pelosi wearing a Snuggie tonight?

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

What is Pelosi wearing?! It looks like a puke-green Snuggie. At least she’s going to be comfortable.

Cookie Guggelman February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Did Nancy wear a hoodie?

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

[re=250881]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Karl Rove received an engraved invitation. The Sergeant-at-Arms is waiting with a giant butterfly net to grab that felonious asshole.

freerangemink February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

OK time to go to MSNBC. Matthews is on. I waited on him at Starbucks last night. He was neither nice nor not nice.

Colander February 24, 2009 at 8:58 pm

[re=250884]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Aww. I don’t watch TV that often (elitist), so I was just taken aback. I’m wearing my Sorry Face.

Dreadful Gate February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

I don’t drink, so I guess I’m going to be smoking a shitload of weed tonight

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Holder VOLUNTEERED. He had the courage, huh? Nah, he’s a coward.

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

[re=250887]simetrias[/re]: She’s playing the ambassador from Zargon-7 in a Star Trek episode later tonight.

imissopus February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

The drinking game rule for Chris Mathews quoting Barbara Streisand: everyone has a gay wedding.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

SULLLLLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Oh, MSNBC. I picked you because I didn’t want to watch experimental weird tech crap like on CNN. Don’t make me regret this w/ a people meter

hobochristsuperstar February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

SULLY!!!!

j6n February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

I hope Barry strikes a bipartisan note and says he voted for Bobby Jindal on American Idol.

90minute5 February 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

yeah tunamelt cutting your eyeball sucks. I’m waiting for the republicans for that

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 9:00 pm

Nancy’s suit is almost my favorite color. I love moss green, but that’s more, ugh, baby shit green.

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 9:00 pm

I think we just appointed Sully to be our King.

The Neoskeptic February 24, 2009 at 9:00 pm

is alan keyes attending?

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 9:00 pm

Sully had a nice “cut it the fuck out” expression.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 9:00 pm

Yo, Hill be in the House

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Dean of the Diplomatic Corps? I thought that was Hillary, but she’s been shafted AGAIN by a black man.

lulula February 24, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Eric Cantor gets to escort Barry!

AxmxZ February 24, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Come on Barry, on with the striptease!!

WadISay February 24, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Barry is down checking out the visitor center.

smashtheduck February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Yay Ginsburg!!!

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Justice Ginsberg getting the royal welcome.

recharged95 February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

CNN Web Live! says: 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test. Political spin?

Then again, godnabit, the stupid facebook panel is still there. Welcome to the armpit of America.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Awwwwwwwwwwww Ruth.

simetrias February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Go Ruth!!! Looking good.

4tehlulz February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

MOTHERFUCKING BLINK TAG SHIT JUST GOT REAL YO

OffTheRecord February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Oh if Ruth Bader Ginsburg would hunt down Jim Bunning and kick him in the nuts right now it would make my life.

Jim Newell February 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm

*******HEY EVERYONE, EVERYONE GO HERE NOW TO THE NEW LIVEBLOG*******

http://wonkette.com/406528/liveblogging-the-speech-of-obamas-life-this-week

Love,
Jim

AxmxZ February 24, 2009 at 9:03 pm

Who else is playing O-Bingo?

obfuscator February 24, 2009 at 9:03 pm

Is anyone else hoping that Barry walks in with his Bear-Headed Pimp Stick as the public address system plays “Superfly”?

jagorev February 24, 2009 at 9:03 pm

Yay Ruth Bader! Let’s make her Queen to sit alongside Sully.

[re=250893]WhiteGM77[/re]: I’m not the only one who saw the resemblance then. Snuggies have truly made the big time.

populucious February 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Aw, Clarence Thomas just patted Ruth Ginsberg on the shoulder. I’ve never liked him more. Ok, well, I never liked him at all, but that was nice.

Cicada February 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

I don’t have a teevee, so will be huddled around my olde-timey radio by the light of a kerosene lantern. Thanks to all of you for the color commentary.

DoctorCulturae February 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Holy Mackerel Ms. Michelle has never looked better!

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Michele is so hot. I’m a woman, and I think she’s hot.

Now that I’ve studied Pelosi’s outfit, I’m guessing she went for comfort over looks. Not a good idea on national teevee.

Pop Socket February 24, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Who’s the hottie walking Michelle in? I wanna be in that sandwich.

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Hillary’s hot pink pantsuit just fucked up my teevee.

Pop Socket February 24, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Hillary Clinton and Maxine Waters. Do not want.

freerangemink February 24, 2009 at 9:06 pm

[re=250897]freerangemink[/re]: I mean last week. Sorry for the confusion.

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 9:07 pm

[re=250889]eastcoastliberal[/re]: This made me so sad. :-( I see Hilda Solis. I read on the crawl she was finally confirmed today.

Emmanuel looks pumped. Is he whispering threats into Repug ears?

tunamelt February 24, 2009 at 9:07 pm

WHOO HILDA SOLIS

rocktonsammy February 24, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Thats right, the HNC is in the house yall!!

Is he ever on time?

DustBowlBlues February 24, 2009 at 9:11 pm

I wish I weren’t low on lortabs. I have to turn my head from computer to teevee and back and it makes my arthritic neck hurt. On the other hand, when don’t narcotic painkillers go good?

They’ve got Barry miked all the way down. Now we’ll know if he’s having an affair with Oympia Snowe?

DoctorCulturae February 24, 2009 at 9:11 pm

omg, we have a POTUS who is African-American! I almost forgot! How cool is that?!!!!!11!1

teebob2000 February 24, 2009 at 9:17 pm

My arms are tired from all the clapping!

Pop Socket February 24, 2009 at 9:32 pm

Nobody messes with Joe because Joe messes up, er, back.

mauricewalkersiszlakIV February 25, 2009 at 7:20 am

You guys are going to feel SO bad about your treatment of Eric Cantor. His proctologist told me, over at the lumber yard the other day, that Eric is getting that sneery curl surgically removed from his lip, which will allow him to perform a winning smile without looking like a sneering, smirking frat-boy prick. No more reminiscent of our former W.Bush!!

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