Wonkette
Oh jesus we turned on the CNN and the first thing we heard was your favorite Campbell uttering that most terrifying word from 2008: “expectations.” As in, “Hey Roland, what expectations does President Obama have to meet tonight in order to ‘win’ the American people? David and Jeffrey, you guys just chime in, after Roland.” These people do know that Barack Obama won the election, which was last November, right? Anyway let’s see what other post-analytical proverbs of doom the CNN folks can bestow upon us.
8:32 — Campbell Brown shows the results of a Facebook Poll. A number of Facebook users are worried about their “home value” above all else. Isn’t Facebook just a bunch of college kids? No wonder so many of them defaulted!
8:33 — Oh sweet, a commercial break. What’s K-Lo up to?
Now They Tell Us [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
Radical communism!
8:35 — Campbell shows up a “live picture” of Obama’s motorcade leaving the White House. This speech, it’s really happening!
8:36 — WOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLFFFFFFFF
8:37 — Ooh, Wolf and Anderson Cooper went to the White House today, and guess what they learned? The speech will be 45 minutes to an hour long. The Obama White House is so transparent.
8:38 — “Here are some old coots on the Senate floor, waiting.”
8:39 — Wolf says that Bobby Jindal has a “very compelling story” to tell America in his response. Maybe… THE EXORCISM STORY?
8:40 — John King: Obama needs to use medical surgeon metaphors, to meet expectations. Extended metaphors. Oh good lord John King is telling the longest medical surgeon metaphor of all time.
8:41 — John King has other metaphors, too. He says the American people want to know if Obama will take “the knife to the sacred cows,” meaning, “will he cut entitlements.” On the other hand, they were just talking about Bobby Jindal, so John King is basically racist.
8:42 — We see that some of you would rather watch MSNBC. Well that’s not in HD on Comcast (DON’T GET US STARTED), and we demand to see every pore of our cable teevee hosts. Besides, MSNBC is nuts.
8:43 — Joe Biden shows up, HEY-O!
8:44 — C’mon, CNN, the people want it, put the camera on America’s new hero. We can hear the chants in the background… Cantor, Cantor, CANTOR, CANTOR…
8:45 — BET’s senior political analyst is on CNN. Guess BET is showing something else?
8:47 — Wow, CNN has the editor of Forbes on, and he says (paraphrasing but not really), “Basically no one is for nationalization of the banks.” Best Political Team on TeeVee, and they don’t even have to read news about politics.
8:49 — Hey there’s Roland Burris entering the Senate behind John McCain. Did you know that Dick Durbin was racist to Roland Burris today?
8:50 — There’s John Kerry! The drinking game rule for a John Kerry sighting is, “cut your eyeball.”
8:51 — Candy Crowley has the scoop on Jindal! We’ll hear both “bedrock conservatism” and “a mea culpa,” so get your dancing pants on.
8:52 — Hey look, it’s our own Mayor Adrian Fenty… yeah, got nothing.
8:53 — Oh thank heavens that Chelsea “Andrew Sullivan” Sullenberger is there, too; he’s more or less the only non-shitsack human being left in America, and we should pay him tax money just to walk across the country and smile and land planes everywhere.
8:54 — CNN warns: the Markets will react immediately, so Obama better be uhh good!
8:55 — Forbes editor screams about Communism and Jacobins.
8:57 — Wonkette editor Ken Layne tells us that Chris Matthews said about Bobby Jindal, “I’m not impressed with this guy one bit.” He picked this verdict arbitrarily out of a hat, it sounds like.
8:59 —
9:00 — Nancy Pelosi introduces Sully Sullen Sullenberg Sullenberger. Love that guy.
9:01 — OK THIS LIVEBLOG IS DONE, disgraced mountain goat Ken Layne will now be writing words for you, here. Good luck, Barry!
Dikembe Mutombo sure knows a lot about the economy. Who would have guessed?
Drinking games are my non-guilt way of drinking everyday. My usual ‘cry in the bathroom’ drinking game shall be substituted for this one, for now.
Oh, damn. I was going for the MSNBC nonsense and now I have to change the channel.
I want Michelle’s purple coat.
I’m sure Mrs. Pelosi has changed into her finest St. John’s power suit for the evening.
The only liquor I have on hand is port wine. Playing a drinking game with that sounds vaguely disgusting. On the other hand, it’s heavenly with my cheese and crackers… mmmm.
Campbell looks a little bloated, y’all, no?
I’m looking forward to cut-aways and watching WALNUTS! mumbling “goddam helicopter, goddam helicopter” over and over.
I’m doing this on CNN? I feel like a whore, unfaithful to my MSNBC gurus.
On the other hand, what difference does it make? This is Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday, my last day of sweets until Easter.
I’m celebrating with cake and my wonkette. Can life get any better?
Fuck, yes.
Is CNN so broke right now that they’re just going to put random unemployed dudes in their mom’s basement on the teevee screen, and call them “iReporters”?
Oh geeze — Facebook is sponsoring CNN.com, hence the discussion. I opened their live broadcast and this idiotic little widget came up displaying all the “So-and-so is…” thingies.
Colander: It’s drinking. With a purpose!!
jagorev: For cheese and port, you need: WALNUTS!
English food pun.
CNN.com is “listening to some of the ambient noise.” Bringing tedium right into your living room.
What a photo! Just look at those old farts. Not one single non-white face, not one single woman. It’s easy to forget this is how it was only 40 years ago. Thanks, Wonkette. I almost feel like I accomplished something by being a drug-crazed hippie.
Mitch McConnell = Fat Voldemort
Obama better show some epistemological modesty or all hell is gonna break loose.
Is Bobby Jindal getting a Slumdog Millionaire bounce?
Boy it’d be nice if comments didn’t take 5 minutes to show up.
jagorev: Elitist.
I’m drinking Sam Adams with a dash of Cadmium Red.
He says the American people want to know if Obama will take “the knife to the sacred cows,” meaning, “will he cut entitlements.” On the other hand, they were just talking about Bobby Jindal, so John King is basically racist.
and now Pat Buchanan will talk about the need to remove the wasteful, fattening skin from our fiscal fried chicken.
jagorev: Oh, please, my wonkette. May we not do this with Rachel Maddow? I forgot the vile iReporters of which CNN is so fond. Just for the editors, I even avoided ending that sentence with a preposition.
Oh, okay. I’ll switch. I haven’t checked how preggers Campbell is recently.
See and I get hot lesbian action on MSNBC.
Or, Keith and Rachel.
Eric Holder is the cabinet member not in attendance today. So rest assured America, if everyone dies in a fiery nuclear explosion, we will still have a President whose mere existence will piss off the PUMAs.
Are you guys live blogging the Republican response
DustBowlBlues: Sorry, but CNN is beautiful in HD.
jagorev: Yyyyeah, me too. There are people using forties, though, so I think you’ll be good.
I’m watching it on CSPAN-was that Joe “Mornin’ Joe” Scarborough on the floor, shaking hands with various people?
At least Jim acknowledged my wish. That’s the kind of love I expect from the person who wants me to vote for him for best local Blogger–or was that cutest local blogger?
B-man’s in the house.
Where’s my 30%? oh yeah!
Hey, Lieberman’s walking in. No-one to kissy-kissy now, bitch!
DustBowlBlues: OH SHIT, SHE’S PREGNANT. I totally feel like an asshole now.
Nancy Pelosi, I love you girl, but what the fuck are you wearing.
Hey gang! Good to be bloggin witcha tonight.
BET only covers real black people, Jim.
tunamelt: To be honest, my cheese and crackers are really just Ritz and Cheez Wiz. But hey, I can pretend to be fancy, because otherwise I’d have to give up Hope.
90minute5: That’s the part I care about. I fully expect Jindal to be brilliant. Brilliant or brilliantly insane, but BRILLIANT LIKE A BUTTERFLY EMERGING FROM A CRAZY ASS COCOON.
It seriously just hit me that I never have to watch Cheney scowl through a speech again when I saw Biden up on that podium.
There’s John Kerry. Barry’s going to ask him to stand up when he needs a graphic example of how dead the economy might be.
On the other hand, many of us can’t afford HD teevees. (Plays guilt card). Okay, I’ll change now.
How often will the camera settle on Dixie Jew? Looking for signs of that famous Cantor whiney pissed-offness.
That fat lady says Jindal has a compelling story. Ha. Puyish hasn’t accomplished much, according to a LA wonkeratti.
Why do women wear red suits? Ho, ho, ho?
8:50 — There’s John Kerry! The drinking game rule for a John Kerry sighting is, “cut your eyeball.”
Thank God for this Exacto knife.
Hey did anyone remember to invite Karl Rove? Oh, wait — nevermind.
What makes this extra awesome are the LA City elections next week and these low, low, low budget commercials for City Councilperson and City Attorney and stuff.
Los Angeles, where movies are made and politicians shoot their commercials with what appears to be an iPhone.
Oh, boy, we have to watch the Japanese stock market to know how Barry did!
Colander: Now that I know the bloated comment was an accident, I’m really laughing. Bloated? I just thought you were an asshole and now you’re just an asshole. Bascially, doesn’t look like you can win this one.
Oh there’s Judd Gregg. Boy, he looks awkward! Like that guy who accidentally sucked you off before he decided he was straight after all, and then you run into him at your wedding.
I wonder if Michele Bachman will thrust her ovipositor down Obama’s throat.
OMG, I have a new diet aid: watching Pelosi’s suit makes me sick.
If Slumdog wins tonight, I’m gonna be sooo annoyed.
I am pouting cause I am on dial up AND I has no teevee here in the sticks of upstate NY. And all I want is a play by play of what’s going on with Keith and Rachel and Big Bird..but NO…SOMEone needs HD! pfffffft
Matthews: Fuck a bunch of Bobby Jindal.
Campbell Brown is all in black and has a little double chin going on. Did I miss a preggers announcement?
What is this? President Obama’s got an escort? And one of the is Eric Cantor? Tunamelt’s not the only one with a hot date tonight!
Is Nancy Pelosi wearing a Snuggie tonight?
What is Pelosi wearing?! It looks like a puke-green Snuggie. At least she’s going to be comfortable.
Did Nancy wear a hoodie?
SayItWithWookies: Karl Rove received an engraved invitation. The Sergeant-at-Arms is waiting with a giant butterfly net to grab that felonious asshole.
OK time to go to MSNBC. Matthews is on. I waited on him at Starbucks last night. He was neither nice nor not nice.
DustBowlBlues: Aww. I don’t watch TV that often (elitist), so I was just taken aback. I’m wearing my Sorry Face.
I don’t drink, so I guess I’m going to be smoking a shitload of weed tonight
Holder VOLUNTEERED. He had the courage, huh? Nah, he’s a coward.
simetrias: She’s playing the ambassador from Zargon-7 in a Star Trek episode later tonight.
The drinking game rule for Chris Mathews quoting Barbara Streisand: everyone has a gay wedding.
SULLLLLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, MSNBC. I picked you because I didn’t want to watch experimental weird tech crap like on CNN. Don’t make me regret this w/ a people meter
SULLY!!!!
I hope Barry strikes a bipartisan note and says he voted for Bobby Jindal on American Idol.
yeah tunamelt cutting your eyeball sucks. I’m waiting for the republicans for that
Nancy’s suit is almost my favorite color. I love moss green, but that’s more, ugh, baby shit green.
I think we just appointed Sully to be our King.
is alan keyes attending?
Sully had a nice “cut it the fuck out” expression.
Yo, Hill be in the House
Dean of the Diplomatic Corps? I thought that was Hillary, but she’s been shafted AGAIN by a black man.
Eric Cantor gets to escort Barry!
Come on Barry, on with the striptease!!
Barry is down checking out the visitor center.
Yay Ginsburg!!!
Justice Ginsberg getting the royal welcome.
CNN Web Live! says: 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test. Political spin?
Then again, godnabit, the stupid facebook panel is still there. Welcome to the armpit of America.
Awwwwwwwwwwww Ruth.
Go Ruth!!! Looking good.
MOTHERFUCKING BLINK TAG SHIT JUST GOT REAL YO
Oh if Ruth Bader Ginsburg would hunt down Jim Bunning and kick him in the nuts right now it would make my life.
*******HEY EVERYONE, EVERYONE GO HERE NOW TO THE NEW LIVEBLOG*******
http://wonkette.com/406528/liveblogging-the-speech-of-obamas-life-this-week
Love,
Jim
Who else is playing O-Bingo?
Is anyone else hoping that Barry walks in with his Bear-Headed Pimp Stick as the public address system plays “Superfly”?
Yay Ruth Bader! Let’s make her Queen to sit alongside Sully.
WhiteGM77: I’m not the only one who saw the resemblance then. Snuggies have truly made the big time.
Aw, Clarence Thomas just patted Ruth Ginsberg on the shoulder. I’ve never liked him more. Ok, well, I never liked him at all, but that was nice.
I don’t have a teevee, so will be huddled around my olde-timey radio by the light of a kerosene lantern. Thanks to all of you for the color commentary.
Holy Mackerel Ms. Michelle has never looked better!
Michele is so hot. I’m a woman, and I think she’s hot.
Now that I’ve studied Pelosi’s outfit, I’m guessing she went for comfort over looks. Not a good idea on national teevee.
Who’s the hottie walking Michelle in? I wanna be in that sandwich.
Hillary’s hot pink pantsuit just fucked up my teevee.
Hillary Clinton and Maxine Waters. Do not want.
freerangemink: I mean last week. Sorry for the confusion.
eastcoastliberal: This made me so sad.
I see Hilda Solis. I read on the crawl she was finally confirmed today.
Emmanuel looks pumped. Is he whispering threats into Repug ears?
WHOO HILDA SOLIS
Thats right, the HNC is in the house yall!!
Is he ever on time?
I wish I weren’t low on lortabs. I have to turn my head from computer to teevee and back and it makes my arthritic neck hurt. On the other hand, when don’t narcotic painkillers go good?
They’ve got Barry miked all the way down. Now we’ll know if he’s having an affair with Oympia Snowe?
omg, we have a POTUS who is African-American! I almost forgot! How cool is that?!!!!!11!1
My arms are tired from all the clapping!
Nobody messes with Joe because Joe messes up, er, back.
You guys are going to feel SO bad about your treatment of Eric Cantor. His proctologist told me, over at the lumber yard the other day, that Eric is getting that sneery curl surgically removed from his lip, which will allow him to perform a winning smile without looking like a sneering, smirking frat-boy prick. No more reminiscent of our former W.Bush!!