Liveblogging the Speech of Obama's Life (This Week)

Hey you squawking dingleberries on the cable teevee news? Are you aware there was a Stock Market Rally today? The S&P shot up 4%, which is ... about a 10% "recovery.com" from the October collapse? Still! Anyway, obviously, this presidency is in dire shape, what with a very popular new president and all, so let's watch this speech CLOSELY for signs of WEAKNESS. If you see any such sign, SELL OFF YOUR INVESTMENTS, and abandon your mortgage. It's his fault! Let's liveblog, with the best political liveblogging team in History.

8: 57 PM -- Your managing editor watches MSNBC so Newell won't have to, and here's what Chris Matthews has to say about Bobby Jindal: "I'm not impressed with this guy one bit .... he's competing for that outer rail of republican support, out where Sarah and Huckabee are, that's where he's headed."

8: 58 PM -- Which is true and all, but now Matthews is quoting Barbra Streisand.

8: 59 PM -- Oh lord, Olbermann has 30 innocent voters hooked up to a "people meter," as "an experiment." It's a sex probe thing, like in that impenetrableNew York Times Magazinecover story about the Science of Horniness.

9: 00 PM -- Sullenberger! DRINK!

9: 00 PM -- Seriously, wecalledthis shit. Youare  playing the Drinking Game, right? 

9: 01 PM -- Olbermann just called the ambassador from Djibouti a justice of the Supreme Court. Stevens, we imagine, is who he was thinking of, just then.

9: 03 PM -- Ruth Bader Ginsburg strolls in, everybody cheers like crazy, except, presumably, Jim Bunning, who is glumly masturbating to a picture of the Negro Leagues.

9: 04 PM -- Michelle Obama is here, HAWT.

9: 05 PM -- Oh look at these schemers, the "President's Cabinet," including Hillary Clinton. She used to work here at the Capitol. The irony!

9: 05 PM -- Geithner, Gates, the all-stars! (Turbo Tax, Iraq.)

9: 06 PM -- Obama has hired every single '08 Democratic candidate or operative unless they were on their way to jail. (Or unless they're Dennis Kucinich. Shouldn't Liz K. get a sweet gig,as your editor's personal diplomat?)

9: 07 PM -- There's Rahm, just cold giving people seizures, row after row.

9: 08 PM -- Yes, we know the "draft" of the speech is already out there, on Drudge, certainly, but that is just zero fun, you know?

9: 11 PM -- NEVER FORGET.

9: 11 PM -- Michele Bachmann is just slathering her mouth with whatever baby gel right now, gettin' ready. 

9: 13 PM -- Wow, jesus, listen to this crowd (Congress). Hooting, hollering, whistles, wild applause. You know, your editor has been doing these things for Wonkette for what, four years now, and he has never heard a ruckus like this.

9: 15 PM -- He gave Nancy and Joe their graduation certificates.

9: 16 PM -- Uh oh, Obama and Pelosi spoke over each other for 0.2 seconds. Get John Roberts up there to re-administer the Constitution!

9: 17 PM -- Oh man, how long has Barack been waiting to pull that smooth "and the First Lady of the United States" line? He is getting so laid tonight.

9: 17 PM -- So far, not gloomy, yet still recession-y. And yes we have had a few sleepness nights, so, uh, you good folks at BlogAds just keep keepin' on, etc.

9: 18 PM -- OH FUCK YEAH WE WILL RECOVER HELL YEAH YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK!

9: 19 PM -- Hey why won't old Rangel stand up? (Probably due to a NOT FUNNY health issue.)

9: 20 PM -- Newell beeps, "Biden is looking at his watch." Nah, he's just looking at some porn on his Treo!

9: 21 PM -- So the culprits are a) Evil Schemers, b) Republicans, and c) viewers like you.

9: 22 PM -- Harry Reid's all "oh I am getting HELLA bullet trains."

9: 22 PM -- JOBS JOBS JOBS.

9: 23 PM -- Stimulus! It's the Law. (WOOT!)

9: 24 PM -- There are 57 police in Minneapolis, right now, because of Stimulus! YES, policemen!

9: 24 PM -- On this coming April Fool's Day, you will find More Money in your paycheck (if you have a job).

9: 25 PM -- "Because nobody messes with Joe." This was the comedy gag. Everyone cracks up, applauds, Joe Biden, that fuckin' guy!

9: 25 PM -- Hey, close-up of Jabba the Hutt out there, lookin' good.

9: 27 PM -- Your money is safe, at the banks, if you have money! So chill.

9: 27 PM -- But the LENDING, that is the problem, the lack of it, the flow of credit.

9: 27 PM -- No more credit, no more ... anything, apparently. (Uhm maybe we should just pay for stuff, cash? Is that weird? Yeah we guess that is weird, generally.)

9: 28 PM -- Wow this is a thing we heard some commentator onMarketplacesuggest the other day, some kind of lending vouchers for banks, and Obama is colddoingit, because he listened to this show, in his Volvo.

9: 29 PM -- Okay okay, mortgages, savings, $2,000 extra, etc. Could we please hear about thespaceshipsnow? Black president announcing the Spaceships, nowthatis some History!

9: 30 PM -- Ugh, what was up with that creepy shot of Vinegar Joe Lieberman, his mouth tragically replaced with a raw, red human undulating anus?

9: 33 PM -- "It's not about helping banks, it's about helping people." This was such a good line, he said it twice! And then, the video professor explains how ... well, how money works. He is quite good at this lecturing stuff. He's got a real future!

9: 34 PM -- Now he says "You slackers over in the Congress, here, and youknowwho I'm talking about, better get it together.

9: 35 PM -- And here comes your beloved Sara K. Smith, with a new liveblog! Yes She Can!