Wonkette
It’s been a long hard road, people. We’ve had some hard times, havin’ some hard times still. But fellow Americans, one thing is true, so undeniably true: George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone. Yes he is! Feels good. Feels good knowing that ignorant motherfucker is back in Dallas, let Texas have him back, right? Back with his own goddammned people, the old America, the old dumb America. Let’s drink to Change tonight, and Hope, and to a variety of other words and phrases we expect to hear as President Barack Obama makes his first address to a joint session of Congress. It’s the first-ever historical President Barack Obama drinking game!
Somewhere tonight, probably in space, on a very fine rocketship, the right Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior is smiling, getting his teevee ready for the speech, laying out the snacks and beverage paraphernalia, and finding that really good 1978 Southern Rhone Chateauneuf du Pape he’s been storing in the titanium cellar all these years.
For the rest of us, still here on the green hills of Earth, times aren’t as easy. So what you basically need to do is stop at the discount liquor store or GIANT or the mini-mart and just buy a lot of whatever’s on sale. The big poster in the window with a picture of an alcoholic beverage and a price that matches the total amount of crumpled ones and quarters and nickels and pennies in your purse or pocket? That’s what we’re drinking tonight, baby.
PRINT AND SAVE THESE EASY RULES!
We do it like this: On the left is what you see/hear on the teevee. On the right is Your Corresponding Action.
- “This will not be easy.” — One sullen slurp.
- “Challenging times.” — Try to drink from the side of your mouth without spilling.
- “Bipartisan” or “bipartisanship.” — One shot, feel up somebody else’s girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse.
- “Same old politics” and/or “politics as usual.” — Two quick gulps.
- “Played by the rules.” — Ask somebody to get you another drink and then drink their drink while they’re in the kitchen.
- “Recovery.” — One hit off your beverage. (You should have spares at hand.)
- “Recovery.com” — Three drinks and punch anybody in the room who sort of looks like Biden.
- “Resolve.” — Take a shot.
- Camera stops on various “opposition” figures such as Cantor: If you’re male, do a line of meth and try to get another “straight” guy to blow you in the bathroom.
- “Discipline.” — Take a very careful shot.
- Camera stops on Hero Pilot “Andrew” Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger III: Women and children take a drink, men go outside and have a smoke.
- “Breaking ground.” — One manly gulp.
- “Infrastructure.” — Two sips and check the fridge for supplies.
- Any mention of the Taliban: Put a “burqa” (pillowcase) over the heads of any women and gaily drink with your male friends.
- “Aggressive action.” — Chug a beer or glass of wine.
- Any variation of “best days are ahead.” — Finish all the booze in the house, weep.
Obama to Lay Out Plan for Economy in Speech [Washington Post]
Could I substitute coke for the meth? I’m all class, you know.
Sheeeit! Based on this game everyone will be wasted about 10 minutes into the speech.
There are only two rules for the drinking game for Gov. Bobby Jindal’s Republican response:
(1) take a very tiny sip every time the words “tax” or “taxpayer” is mentioned in any form.
(2) get on the waiting list for a new liver ASAP.
“Santelli” — slam a decaf Irish coffee.
Oh, I needed that Blingee laugh. Haven’t even read the post… just focused on the ART.
Yeah, and I could do with some gettin’ wasted with my homes, too.
Ken wrote:
But fellow Americans, one thing is true, so undeniably true: George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone. Yes he is! Feels good.
Yes. It does. Now back to weeping over my so-called “investments”.
YES! I have a first date tonight and I think I’m going to test him by seeing if he wants to play this. That should be an accurate indicator of whether or not he can hold his liquor and meth.
Do a shot of firey Absinthe every time Bobby Jindal exorcises the demons from a poor, possessed virgin school girl.
Yes we can (get hammered)!
This is clearly our Everest. May we all come back alive.
Does McCrapPants know about MLK’s rocket ship?
“Resolve.” — Take a shot.
That should be take a shot and use a spray of thisas a chaser.
Oh no! I started yesterday!
If he says “It’s all the Republicans fault” can we haz Champagne, (cheap)?
::wondering if it’s possible to get this blingee tattooed on my rump::
Wonkette should have a different themed political drinking game every day for those of us with no life and a strong desire to consume large quantities of turpentine, but lacking a good reason.
freakishlystrong: Andre!
Once more into the breach, dear friends..ah..Whatevs.
How about a sip every time Pelosi blinks? We’ll all be dead in 10 minutes.
Ken, you’re getting soft. That blingee pic is entirely too respectful & non mocking of Barry (see Madame Noonington & Dumbass Michael Steele).
This drunken liveblog-pollooza will remind me of the good old days during Walnuts & Barry’s debates. Oh, to have the money now we had then (& it was only 4 fucking months ago!). Also.
Looks like I’ll be stocking up on the Winner’s Cup for this one. It’s the best vodka to pair with hobo beans.
“George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone.”
You have no idea how much alcohol I’ve imbibed already because of this amazing and wonderful fact.
tunamelt: Lancers! (Age showing)…
I see you have not been bipartisan in this game, not at all, Mr. Layne.
If Obama says
“irresponsible”-bong hit.
“fiscal responsibility”-brownie
“balanced budget”-smoke a whole reefer, no sharing.
Things you simply will not hear tonight:
“I am proposing an urban hip-hop stimulus package.”
“Hello, my name is Barack Obama and I am a hopeaholic.”
“Good evening Madam speaker, ladies and gentlemen, and a big shout out to my homies in Chicago [w/gang sign]… see, tooolejou I’d be president one day!”
“Salam Alaicum, brothers.”
“The British Government has learned that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.”
“And finally, due to the severe nature of this crisis, tonight I am proposing a massive, followup stimulus package that will make the first stimulus package pale by comparison. You might think of it as the Viagra, Cialis and Levitra all wrapped into one of stumulus packages.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Freeman and slave, patrician and plebeian, lord and serf, guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary re-constitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, after taking time to closely study the situation of our credit markets, our auto industry, our housing market, I have decided that my good friends on the opposite aisle are right. We should do nothing. Just sit back and let things work themselves out. Sooner or later, after the economy and government has collapsed we will begin reconstituting civil society; first as small, roving bands of hunter gatherers, then as city states, and eventually nation states will again rise from the ashes of history. So I am repealing the recently passed stimulus and stocking up on food and weapons. Thank you, and good night.”
“Things are going to get worse before they get better” — that should be a shot of rotgut whiskey with a good beer chaser.
Huzzah, the return of drinking game rules!
Speeches are fine, but I think our decadent empire in decline needs a little something more. How about we instead round up the Bush cabal and pit them against each other in televised gladiator matches and the winners get to feed Kristol and Brooks to the lions?
tunamelt: Just earlier today I read the portion of Breakfast of Champions where “two young prostitutes … were cheerful and unafraid … because of a tube of Norwegian hemorrhoid remedy which they had eaten about half an hour before” Your comment made me think of this.
So I may lie around tonight reading Vonnegut and washing hemorrhoid remedy down with turpentine.
That blingee is causing some global warming (in my pants!).
sati demise:
You just described my usual evening routine…where is the game?
ManchuCandidate: Sen. Davis?
Serolf Divad: “…in a word…” bwah!
Hey everyone, it’s time to break out my handy Ties of The Union color chart. Lets see, we’ve had three years of light blue. Obama seems to be going for dark red, often with white diagonal stripes (same tie?) at major events, like inauguration, election night, at least one debate, and the DNC acceptance speech. However, he and Biden have worn a lot of light blue as well. George W. Bush has steered clear of all but subtle patterns. The last extensively patterned tie was Bill Clinton in 1999, dark blue with white dots (like the Lewinsky dress). I think Barack will probably go dark red, but I’m rooting for white-diagonal grid ala Bill Clinton in 1994, or even blue/red stripes like H.W. in 1991.
Ties of the Union - a pictorial tour
(I have a version somewhere with H.W. filled out and a few Reagan pics, but can’t find it right now)
Really really hoping the camera doesn’t land on Cantor. It’ll be awkward figuring out who’s the giver and who’s the receiver.
qwerty42: He’s gone, but the motherfucker took all our money with him.
Serolf Divad: FTW
Serolf Divad: Awesome.
Any shots of Boehner looking like he’s about to cry means you’ve got to slam down a can of Heinkeken and then crush it on your roomates forehead.
Incredulicious: But it’s recession-times! You have to pay solidarity to the poors, and buy their meth.
No. No, I do not regret voting for Barack Obama.
“octomom” - heron shot into your dick vein
Looks like a lot of trips to the bathroom ahead….
The Blingee is fabyoolus!
Chimpy will probably be playing along. Between bouts of Laura having to talk him down off the roof.
http://www.globemagazine.com/
Some of these sound more like drinking rules for the CPAC happy hour?
Either way ill be enforcing them at the ol’ hawk and dove tonight
NO DRINKING GAMES JUST DRINKING.
Is there something I can get Christopher Rice to do to me if Obama says things like “The”, “and” or “is”?
How many shots when Biden makes goo-goo eyes with Hillary?
Campbell Brown: “Heineken!? Fuck that shit. Pabst Blue Ribbon!”
Point of order: Does Dr. King’s rocket ship really stock wine that was bottled 10 years after his demise? If so, I’m seriously impressed by teh modern technologies.
joint session of Congress?
Everybody gets high!
Serolf Divad: Bravo!
When do I get to take BONG HITS FOR JESUS?
StephanieInCA: HERE HERE! I’ll already be drunk by the time Hopey starts in. It will be snack time, and I don’t think I want to play any snack games, although I do like to suck all the saliva out of my mouth, crunch up a few saltines and then blow them out of my mouth. Especially at the Pugnitan “response”.
“the green hills of Earth”
Uh-oh, Layne outs himself as a Heinlein reader.
In response to criticisms of being too negative, in lieu of a speech, President Obama plans to sing a selection of uplifting Negro Spirituals tonight. Representatives Frank and Dodd will sing harmony. So you all are going to be stone cold sober.
sezme: It’s Einstein stuff, very complicated.
You forgot “shovel ready”, Ken (I suggest “shoveling” liquor into your mouth with your hands)
I’d burst my damn kidneys tryna keep up with Hopey and his changy lingo! SHIT, I’d get alcohol poisioning or some shit! I’m IN!!!!
Ken in honor of my dad’s terrorist heritage I do not drink so I will substitute drink for a classy hashish (his people have no problem with hashish). In fact this gives me an inspiration to throw a marijuana party in honor of Hopey’s first pretend State of the Union Address. The only drawback is by the time Hopey gets to details we will all be stoned.
P.S. - classy blingee - I am glad you are not using that dreadful picture of him smoking cigarettes and looking stoned.
Any chance at all he’s going to mention that he “inherited this economy”? Because if he does, I will drain an entire box of wine.
Incredulicious: Poor southern school girls are virgins? Oh pleeeze, even the Alaskans are having sex
What do we drink on “Allahu Akbar”?
Dreamer: I’ll be right over. I can bring a shisha, but I only have those self-starting coals. Do you want apple or strawberry tobacco?
sezme: You can get anything there, regardless of when (and whether) it was actually created. Just reach into a nearby wormhole and grab it! The Afterlife rocks.
Serolf Divad: “It’s mid-afternoon in America”
“We are a thousand points of light getting blown out by the birthday wish of Depression”
“Our nation is undergoing a malaise. Please set your thermostat back to 35 degrees.”
“I did not have sex with that woman, Hillary Clinton.”
So a colored guy on prime time and it ain’t Bill Cosby?
Sheesh - I’m over 20 years sober so I’ll have to play by substituting everything with:
>> grab wife’s tits, twist, and yell “Come in, Albuqueque! Come in, Albuqueque!” <<
I didn’t appreciated this blog …. it is full of hate and anger towards true AMERICANS …..
but that’s okay ….enjoy it while you can FUC@#$%^&RS ….
Right now all the approval ratings are being manipulated to favor him and all that …. let’s give it another two months or so ….. then I want to see what you think about the robery (recovery) plan that will steal your freedom and strip your rights …..
Virtually _insane: Hit ‘em where it hurts — cancel your subscription to Wonkette and ask townhall.com to organise a boycott.
“Whitey” = 1 big chug of your Thunderbird and grapefruit juice. Shake ‘em up!!
don’t worry ….I will do my part as a good citizen ….. I will support the hip-hop stimulus plan …. and since there is no much I can do I’m going to join you !!!
I going to sit down in my front porch and enjoy the evening … have some KOOL-AID and FRIED PORK..
OOOOOOooops … you gotta excuseme …. Planet of the APes is about to start on TV ….
I am thinking about the robery right now, and it looks and feels like chenille.
Virtually _insane:
Virtually _insane: Sorry, we’re all out of both truck nutz AND muslin. (in Apu voice) Thank you, come again!
Virtually _insane: Hip-hop stimulus? Don’t tell me Steele is doing a rebuttal too?
Heh. Rebuttal. Re-butt-al. Re…butt…al.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. Virtually _insane, your tranny twink boy-whore called - his hand is too sore to fist you tonight.
hansdog: snuggie?
Now I have a sense of humor but I have also been in technical fields of science for a long time, therefore, sometimes irony/sarcasm can sound the same as insipid/ignorant. Can someone please validate for me which one of these Virtually Insane is trying to be?
And if he is serious, may I suggest a game of pin the truck nutz on the cocknozzle.
WTF does Biden keep looking down at?
Did old cranky get himself a Blackberry?
I just played the President Barack Obama Congressional Address Drinking Game.
Fuck you, Wonkette…seriously.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a potted plant I need to go puke in.
For those drinking to Barry Soetoro’s continued good health, I say, try this special concoction:
1 qt. of George W. Bush’s Party Piss
12 oz. of Ronald Reagan’s Turd Juice
1 Jigger of Dick Nixon’s Creamy Jizz
1 oz. of G.H. W. Bush’s Poop Nuts
Shake Till Well Mixed
Add Cyanide Capsules to Taste
DRINK UP LIBERAL COCKSUCKERS!