It’s been a long hard road, people. We’ve had some hard times, havin’ some hard times still. But fellow Americans, one thing is true, so undeniably true: George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone. Yes he is! Feels good. Feels good knowing that ignorant motherfucker is back in Dallas, let Texas have him back, right? Back with his own goddammned people, the old America, the old dumb America. Let’s drink to Change tonight, and Hope, and to a variety of other words and phrases we expect to hear as President Barack Obama makes his first address to a joint session of Congress. It’s the first-ever historical President Barack Obama drinking game!
Somewhere tonight, probably in space, on a very fine rocketship, the right Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior is smiling, getting his teevee ready for the speech, laying out the snacks and beverage paraphernalia, and finding that really good 1978 Southern Rhone Chateauneuf du Pape he’s been storing in the titanium cellar all these years.
For the rest of us, still here on the green hills of Earth, times aren’t as easy. So what you basically need to do is stop at the discount liquor store or GIANT or the mini-mart and just buy a lot of whatever’s on sale. The big poster in the window with a picture of an alcoholic beverage and a price that matches the total amount of crumpled ones and quarters and nickels and pennies in your purse or pocket? That’s what we’re drinking tonight, baby.
PRINT AND SAVE THESE EASY RULES!
We do it like this: On the left is what you see/hear on the teevee. On the right is Your Corresponding Action.
- “This will not be easy.” — One sullen slurp.
- “Challenging times.” — Try to drink from the side of your mouth without spilling.
- “Bipartisan” or “bipartisanship.” — One shot, feel up somebody else’s girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse.
- “Same old politics” and/or “politics as usual.” — Two quick gulps.
- “Played by the rules.” — Ask somebody to get you another drink and then drink their drink while they’re in the kitchen.
- “Recovery.” — One hit off your beverage. (You should have spares at hand.)
- “Recovery.com” — Three drinks and punch anybody in the room who sort of looks like Biden.
- “Resolve.” — Take a shot.
- Camera stops on various “opposition” figures such as Cantor: If you’re male, do a line of meth and try to get another “straight” guy to blow you in the bathroom.
- “Discipline.” — Take a very careful shot.
- Camera stops on Hero Pilot “Andrew” Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger III: Women and children take a drink, men go outside and have a smoke.
- “Breaking ground.” — One manly gulp.
- “Infrastructure.” — Two sips and check the fridge for supplies.
- Any mention of the Taliban: Put a “burqa” (pillowcase) over the heads of any women and gaily drink with your male friends.
- “Aggressive action.” — Chug a beer or glass of wine.
- Any variation of “best days are ahead.” — Finish all the booze in the house, weep.
Obama to Lay Out Plan for Economy in Speech [Washington Post]