Wonkette
Condoleezza Rice just signed a $2.5 million contract to write three books about 1) her years in the Bush Administration and 2) her life. It will be so awesome to read about all the terrible throwdowns she got into drunk, and that time she engaged in a crack-fueled confrontation with Ohio cops and got arrested for a bunch of felonies, and that other time she got a root canal WITHOUT ANESTHESIA because she knew she’d go back on the sauce if she had just a whiff of narcotics.
And then she will have to tearfully confess on Oprah that actually her life was pretty boring, she never actually was Secretary of State, or even a black woman, and is in fact just another invention of a boring white author who knew the market is far kinder to nonfiction.
But for serious: Crown, a division of Random House, will publish Rice’s account of her years in the White House, during which she was completely steamrollered by Cheney and his goons and, as National Security Adviser, resolutely refused to tell the president anything except, “Bomb everything.”
Rice’s second book will be about her life, which was mostly full of piano-playing and solitary exercise. Her third book will be a young-adult version of the second one, so that George Bush will have something to read on the treadmill.
Crown also published “The Audacity of Hope,” a hastily written memoir by Barack Obama.
Condoleezza Rice signs three-book deal [AP]
The add on the left asks me if I “Like Palin?” Have we reached a consensus on that yet?
She is way to loyal to be exciting. Snore-fest on the way.
I would say it might be worth a book-on-cd, but I would probably fall asleep on the tool road and crash and kill a hundred people.
I’d like to suggest a few titles:
Non Entity: The Condi Story
Aunt Condi’s Department
A Dummy’s Guide to Being Sec State
Here are some proposed titles for books:
“How to Find Discounts on Shoes While Major American Cities Drown”
“Bushed– My Secret Love Affair With President Bush.”
“How to Win Friends and Influence People By Sucking Up to Idiots”
…Once upon a time FAIL!
The end
I can haz 2.5 million now?
Condi’s book will be dedicated to the memory of Emily Dickinson and the shower massage in her bath.
If she writes books like she performed her last job I suspect we’ll be seeing a whole of nothing. Maybe Condi will put together some pictures of her playing the piano for some slow kids in a foreign country like Alabama.
Well, let me be the first to say no one could have imagined a washed up, thoroughly discredited former secretary of state writing a self-serving revisionist history of the bush years.
Is her affair with Gdub mentioned anywhere? ‘Cause THAT I’d pay moneys for.
ManchuCandidate: “Obama Determined to Strike inside United States.”
I thought she was going to become NFL commissar and save the planet from soccer hooligans.
I hope there will be a middle section filled with glossy photos of Condi in snappy dress suits and sensible designer pumps.
How about “How to Succeed in Failure without Even Trying”?
if I recall, the last (and possibly only) exciting thing Condi did was that time she wore her Matrix outfit and we got to see a flash of knee below her leather miniskirt.
Headline should read: Condi to Write Several Books at the Same Time While Playing the Piano on Ice Skates.
“There Is Chaos under Heaven — and the Prices on Jimmy Choos Are Excellent.”
“The Best and the Brightest (Should be Seen and Not Heard)”
“Wifey”
I recall hearing some chatter on the tubes about miss condi being a lezbo? Something about leasing / living in a house with another chick?
I’m not reading anything til I see a BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I always chuckle whenever I see Condi’s hair like this. It looks just like Lucy Brown’s (Charlie Brown’s sister) flip. Seriously, she couldn’t come up with a better hairdo than a cartoon character?
I hope the advance from her pop-up book finally compels her to give Carol Brady her hair back.
Dr Tobias Funke: Isn’t Harriet Miers a ’spinster’, too? Who would have thunk W would have employed more of teh gays than Barry.
“Solitary exercise.” Portnoy’s Complaint, in other words.
AfghanVet: I nodded off just reading that she was going to write a book.
…how about this as a title: “Condi’s guide to polishing shit”
Texan Bulldoggette: I knew her name wasn’t Lucy, but why oh why did I have to google it and come across this gem?
http://www.askboz.com/charlenebrown.html
God Bless the Internetz
Oh, and her name’s Sally for anyone not interested in reading about Mr. Brown’s four day coke lace rager.
Texan Bulldoggette: Oh, & to me the gay jury is still out on Rove & McClellan. I can totally picture both of them with ball gags & leather chaps (although it’s a horrifying image).
How can she write a memoir after she told congress and god and all creation that she can’t remember a damn thing.
I hope we hear the truth about all those bar fights.
Advocatus_Diaboli: Oops, sorry about that little mix up. Her name is Lucy Van Pelt & she’s Linus’s sister. (too much drinking this weekend!) But, my God, that little story you happened upon was funny as hell.
I’m in. The chapter, ‘Oreo’ about her three-way with Alan Keyes’ daughter and Cheney’s daughter will be worth the price.
Shouldn’t she be charged $2.5M for writing these fucking books? How is this shit even acceptable any more? …2.5 million, fuck you Condi.
Has Rachel Maddow been borrowing Condi’s blazers (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING…)?
‘How I Spent My Eight Year Vacation’
I’m sure everyone who was recently laid off from Random House will be thrilled to hear about this.
Dr Tobias Funke: If I remember correctly, it was that she owned a house and lived with a CONFIRMED les-bean and Democrat! Please, Baby Jesus, make sure that there is a chapter about this in “Condi: The Novelization of the Secretary of State of the Same Name.”
The title of the first of these books should be “Diary of a Work Wife”
I’d be more interested in reading Princess Sparkle Pony’s book. But she can’t write ’cause she haz a sad.
Books to be released under pen name C.W.Bush (with a logo a small pink hearts).
I propose Condi only write one book. I can’t imagine her lack of professional and personal accomplishments could be stretched into 3 different books. I suggest this title:
“My Life: The Condi Rice Story” or “How I failed at Absolutely Everything I Did for Eight Years in a Row”
spelunketeria: Ah ha! Well my diagnosis is that being sex starved for 8 years will make anyone belligerent / wanting to start a war- So why did we go / are we in Iraq? Its the old lover vs. fighter dilemma- no love = fight!
I hope she publishes the secret of her hair that never moves. TV correspondents in wind-swept Saskatchewan want to know.
I suggest the title
“The SchoolMarm and the Dumbass”
for the 1st book.
That’s what the rest of the world
called her and the idiot.
Jukesgrrl: Could be ‘My Sad: Let Me Write About It to You’
This is the appropriate post to raise a glass to Princess Sparkle Pony, who valiantly and hilariously chronicled Condi’s eight ridiculous years of accomplishing absolutely nothing. Hooves up!
only $2.5M, huh?
I bet she’s cursing herself for hitching a ride on that wagon
WTF? I thought Elisabeth Bumiller of the NYT went on like a year long sabbatical to ghost write a book for Condi. What happened to that golden tome? I think the first volume should recount the details of how she got a multimillion dollar advance. It can be titled “Hush Money.”
Condi Rice was Secretary of State? Geddahellouttahere! Really? Secretary of State?
Happily, I will buy none of these tomes.
steve: Uh, I think you meant her affair with bush. And no, she and Karen Hughes are just friends.
Title of Book: Gender-less, Moral-less, and Republican: So can you.
the chimp and i
1. Fail.
2. Valley of the Fail.
3. Beyond the Valley of the Fail.
4. Beyond the Valley of the Fail - 2. [The Irrelevance of a Sovietologist in the Modern Era.]
5. Get a Job.
6. Stanford, Why Can’t I Get a Job?
7. Fetching After-Dinner Drinks for Alan Keyes at the Hoover Institute.
8. Food Stamps, Not Too Proud.
Oh my gawd! It’s just now dawnin’ on me that she can write a book and NOT be prosecuted for it. How is that possible in Jesus’s southern kingdom here in Alabama?
I just listened to my local baptist minister and it is just NOT possible that Condi could be a liar, cuz George Bush was our saviour and Obama was the anti-christ. My bad I made the HIDDEIOUS and COMPLETELY unforgiveable mistake of having a college education, because anyone with a college education, in the south, is the fucking antichrist!
Now now, everyone. Show some respect. It’s DOCTOR Rice, remember.
Chapter 1: “What I really learned from the other girls at piano camp…”
Chapter 8: “It’s easy enough to get confirmed when you forbid criticism of your record.”
Hopefully she’ll include her memoirs about being a 1/2 diamond ho for Dubya while assisting him with sneaky buttseck under bed while Laura slept. I’m sure that would cover at least a half page of text…
I can’t wait to see what she says about Barbara Boxer. Boxer crushed her like an ant…
Working title: “Confessions of a Black Oil Barroness”
“crack-fueled confrontation with Ohio cops”
Ha, that made-up James Frey story took place in my hometown. Nothing that interesting happens in my hometown, so it was obviously bullshit.