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Alan Keyes demands that we not laugh, but HAAHHHAHAHAH. This is the best Alan Keyes nonsense since that time he said, “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” Oh man. What? Just keep in mind that this person ran against Barack Obama for a United States Senate seat. And somehow Obama won! [YouTube]

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91 COMMENTS

  1. This guy is a total ass hole. Where is his tin foil hat.
    He did get in one true statement in his 4 minute rant.

    “We are in the greatest crisis this country has ever seen. “

    Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

  2. I like that part where he says, in his inimitable swallowed-Kermit-the-Frog voice: “Yes I’m the pirate pilot of this ship if I get with the ultraviolet dream… hide from the red light beam! Now do you believe in the unseen?”

  3. “Anybody in their right mind?” He should not be allowed to say those words in the same sentence. In fact, I am amazed he can even string a sentence together. Such President envy… tsk, tsk, tsk.

  4. Dedicated to Alan (lyrics borrowed from Gnarls Barkley)

    I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost to HIM
    There was something so awful about that place.
    Losing by 50% hurt so bad
    In Blago’s state

    And when you’re out there
    Without care,
    Yeah, I was spouting shit
    But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
    I just sucked so much

    Does that make me crazy
    Does that make me crazy
    Does that make me crazy
    Seriously

    And I hope that you are having the time of your life
    But think twice, that’s my only advice

    Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
    Ha ha ha bless your (Muslin) soul
    You really think you’re in control?

    Well, I say you’re crazy
    I say you’re crazy
    I say you’re crazy
    Just like me

    My heroes had the heart to deny when they’ve been thumped
    And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
    Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
    And it’s no coincidence I fail
    And I can act like I’m pale

    Definitely crazy
    Cause I’m SO crazy
    Cause I’m SO crazy
    Definitely

  5. I always find it ironic that Alan Keyes is against affirmative action as he clearly got into Harvard only so it could fill their “bat-shit crazy” quota.

  6. [re=249371]twowheeljunkie[/re]: I don’t think he’s even right about that. I mean, is this really a greater crisis than, say, when Confederate troops were threatening to march on Washington? Or when British troops actually did, and burned half the city (such as it was)?

  7. It’s so fun watching Alan Keyes get worked up. And so easy to do.

    Sadly, I think I’d be more surprised if Alan Keyes ever said anything sane.

  8. He’s got this astoundingly smug look on his face at parts of this, you wonder if he actually believes what he’s saying and just enjoying his delivery. He’s irrelevant, and even moreso than Ralph Nader, which really makes you wonder why he’s still talking. Maybe he really IS crazy.

  9. From a native Marylander (although I’ll be sure to play up that I was born in DC when I take my turn to run for office), I’d like to say “You’re all welcome” to every U.S. American Citizens for our politicians. Spiro Agnew, Michael Steele, Alan Keyes, myself (although I’ll be attempting to balance this fine Maryland political tradition for the libruls)

  10. I’ve figured it all out. Someone snuck a copy of “Fight Club” in the vee-see-aruh during Mr. Keyes’s physician-monitored TV time, and he thought it was the election results. He think Tyler Durden has usurped the White House and is out to destroy Amurica!

    HipHop- I also live in MD (also born in DC if anyone cool asks) and I saw real live TruckNutz drive past my house. I was so happy, I didn’t know whether to sht or go blind.

  11. Keyes, ho-hum, another gay Republican who needs medication for teh insanity.

    one note Mr. Keyes,
    the economy has already collapsed because of GWB and all your goppy friends.

  12. That was quite a performance. I don’t even think Glenn Beck does the “Obama is not an American citizen” schtick. As for where all that nonexistent money is coming from Mr. Keyes: you know we liberals secretly rented out all the fresh American uterii for the purpose of communist reproduction, don’t you? Oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to tell…

  13. Bitch is so jealous, the color green is suing him in the Supreme Court for identity theft.

    Seriously, have you ever seen such a pathetic and obvious display of jealousy in your entire life? What was he saying about retarded children, again?

  14. Alan needs a McLaughlin Group-type show, with Michele Bachmann, Joe the Plumber, and Glenn Beck on it. It’ll be on Fox News every Sunday morning and consist mainly of high-pitched screams and thrown coffee cups. They won’t have any guests because that might bring in the ‘reality’ factor so topics could range from the Lizard People to birth certificates to Zionist conspiracies.

  15. It’s all fun and games until someone [even more unhinged and better-armed gets fired up by this sort of rant by a ‘respectable’ political commentator] puts an eye [or a ‘liberal’ church congregation, etc.] out.

    Honestly, I fear it’s much too easy not to take psychotics like Keyes seriously while someone else, carrying a well-thumbed copy of The Turner Diaries, does. Then it gets a lot less funny very quickly.

  16. 1) “Obama is a radical communist”
    2) “Everybody realizes it’s true”
    3) About 60% of people approve of Obama in poll averages
    ergo
    60% of Americans are communists!

    Thanks Alan Keyes for pointing out that a majority of Americans are communists!

  17. [re=249374]norbizness[/re]: For the win.

    Insane in the membrane [Alan’s insane, got no brain]. In Alan’s case, the big 4-0 would only help.

  18. [re=249453]chascates[/re]: this show would be an instant hit! then they would have to go to pay-per-view for the Coulter/Bachmann Jell-o wrestling team against Maddow/Goodman.

  19. [re=249378]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Gnarls should, absolutely, record this incredible version of ‘Crazy’.
    It would be a cross-over hit on the dance floor.

  20. This man is two tons of batshit in a five pound bag. I was friends with his daughter around and after the time he ran against Obama in Illinois. She was (is?) a super amazing radical lesbian catholic math genius black-belt who briefly rescued gay street kids and taught them kung-fu and weapons so they wouldn’t have to give up the money they earned from hustling. She was (is? we’ve lost touch) two tons of awesome in a five pound bag.

  21. This was fun and all… but I’m just happy the world didn’t end because of this. The irony should have collapsed in on itself at least four times while he was talking and sent us all into the fourth dimension.

  22. [re=249453]chascates[/re]: Actually, I don’t think they’d say or do anything that can’t be seen and heard on Hannity’s program.

  23. [re=249376]quoth teh Raven[/re]: In his crazy mind, those born-alive fetuses will be crawling away from the gurney while knife-wielding Democrats chase them down.

    The best part is when he keeps insisting, “This isn’t funny.”

    I wish the fucking Repugtards would start their primary campaign tomorrow. Now that my Sean Penn Oscar buzz is wearing off (and I’m still suffering from that damn Bell’s Palsy) I’m in great need of entertainment I can enjoy the privacy and comfort of my family room.

    Why, of why, do I have to wait for 2012 for the Keyes, Jindal, Palin debate?

  24. Couldn’t someone just give him a reality TV show, maybe something along the lines of Surreal Life: Poltical addition. Add Norm Coleman, Sarah Palin and Tom Delay to the cast.

  25. [re=249453]chascates[/re]: You left UN world domination out of the topics. Also, a discussion of how close we are to the End Times.Joe The Not-A-Plumber won’t get that latter one, so they’ll have to bring in a pinch-hitter. That African dude who saved Palin from witches would do nicely.

  26. Whoa! He’s so crazy, he’s making Tom Cruise look normal. And Hinckley should maybe try getting that release again. He’s even crazier than that guy in the park with the surgical mask and the shopping bag full of poo.

  27. [re=249530]Schadenfried[/re]: Make it a ‘Who Wants a Pundit TV Show’ and the contestants all have to live together in a single room loft in DC. They’ll have to make pilots of their programs using a cell phone camera to convince the judges (Patrick Buchanan and Robert Bork) which one is best qualified to further the Reagan Revolution.
    Watch for the fights between Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin over who used whose shampoo. And will Alan Keyes come to blows with Michael Steele over who’s ‘de man’, GOP-wise? Hijinks will surely ensue when Ben Stein and Michael Medved try to stump each other with what proper culture really means.

  28. He got the Black Republican Shifty Eyes! What is it with those people and shifting their eyes all over the place…and constantly talk about how this is ‘crazy’ and that is ‘insane’…

  29. Poor Alan Keyes, being totally ignored in an old people’s home. He is looking almost as irrelevant as Alex Jones.

    Difference is, I think Alex Jones is right.

  30. Constitutional Law Expert Alan Keyes looks like those door knockers from Labyrinth, ‘member? I want to ram a brass ring into his stupid fucking mouth.

  31. [re=249475]Neon Trotsky[/re]: 60% of Americans are communists!

    And homo-lovers, too, according to Sean Penn.

    Wow, this country has really turned around just four weeks into the Obama presidency.

  32. [re=249475]Neon Trotsky[/re]: Thanks for the tip of ‘The Trap’ by BBC. Now I’m even more depressed than when I finished with Naomi Klein’s Shock Doctrine.

  33. I’m sorry, Alan. What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the blender–I was mixing one of my famous commie-liberal fetus-and-starfruit smoothies…

  34. OK, so if I agree with Alan, Obama was born in Nairobi. Fine. I’ll bite. That makes McCain President by default, right? Case closed, problem solved. OH WAIT WHAT’S THIS?!? McCain was born in well-known anagram-harboring isthmus of terror PANAMA. SEYE KNAL A MAN A PLAN CANAL PANAM-ALAN KEYES!

  35. [re=249675]hobospacejungle[/re]: At this point we should just replace the stars in the canton of the American flag with a big ol’ pink (purple?) hammer and sickle…

  36. [re=249696]chascates[/re]: I’m glad you found The Trap interesting (I suppose you can’t really say that one would “enjoy” it), though I wish it (or any Adam Curtis documentary) would actually air or be distributed here in the States; I mean, I suspect mouthbreathers would not understand enough to be outraged if it appeared here…

  37. YouTube comments are always nutzy, but for America’s wingiest nut, they are truly mental. Sadly, they’re representative of a whole helluva lot of this country. Shit is scary.

  38. GO ALAN, I proudly display my Alan Keyes for President 2000 bumper sticker, not all us Republifascists are Bushys! And God knows we’d have been better off now with someone who can actually think and verbally express their ideas than what we had for the last 8 years… Eat me, Libtards!

  39. Alan appears to be off his meds again just like he was during his carpetbagger campaign for the Senate in Illinois (For you auslanders, there is no S in Illinois). He didn’t mention Obama’s foreign birth during that campaign. When he was in Illinois he campaigned for the repeal of the Seventeenth amendment. He apparently thought that a process similar to the one used to choose Roland Burris should be used to select all US Senators. It was a bribery scandal in Illinois that lead to the 17th amendment. If I remember correctly, he also decried Lincoln for abridging the rights of a certain white minority in the South. Illinois once had a State Hospital system for dealing with people like Keyes.

  40. [re=249795]bitchincamaro[/re]: Yeah, I’ve been trolling the comments pretty hard on that video tonight because nothing good is on TV. It’s been… uh… nauseating.

  41. [re=249463]user-of-owls[/re]: I’m so with you. I was reading all the posts, and they are funny, but I wasn’t laughing the way I use to. Tara Wall from CNN and that overweight black guy from the Washington Times are fake republicans and hacks. That black cross-eyed guy may be a real republican. But Alan Keyes is a bona fide crazy person. And that’s why I can’t laugh too loudly. Well I’m laughing, because that clip is funny, but… Secret Service stay on Keyes like white on rice. Or more accurately, like stink on poop.

  42. [re=249795]bitchincamaro[/re]: If Alan Keyes’ history of badly losing elections didn’t predate the internet, I’d be convinced that somehow the Freepers, WorldNetDaily, AOL commenters, and The Good Mr. Keyes all were one Borg-like hive mind. Only it’s an idiot hive mind, without the super advanced society and the weird eyepieces.

  43. the next time somebody starts
    whining about the lack of
    black participants in GOP
    politics, remember this prissy
    little pathetic fuck, and
    be grateful that there ARE
    so few of this ilk …..

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