Wonkette
Alan Keyes demands that we not laugh, but HAAHHHAHAHAH. This is the best Alan Keyes nonsense since that time he said, “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” Oh man. What? Just keep in mind that this person ran against Barack Obama for a United States Senate seat. And somehow Obama won! [YouTube]
Go sell crazy somewhere else, Alan.
Alan Keyes and Ron Paul should run for something together… like maybe “Supreme Galactic Emperor and Vice-Supreme Galactic Emperor.”
I think this guy was born about 250 years too late. (He would have looked fine behind a plow…). Crazy bastard.
Isn’t using “Alan Keyes” and “insane” in the same sentence kinda redundant?
This guy is a total ass hole. Where is his tin foil hat.
He did get in one true statement in his 4 minute rant.
“We are in the greatest crisis this country has ever seen. “
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
I like that part where he says, in his inimitable swallowed-Kermit-the-Frog voice: “Yes I’m the pirate pilot of this ship if I get with the ultraviolet dream… hide from the red light beam! Now do you believe in the unseen?”
“Anybody in their right mind?” He should not be allowed to say those words in the same sentence. In fact, I am amazed he can even string a sentence together. Such President envy… tsk, tsk, tsk.
Dedicated to Alan (lyrics borrowed from Gnarls Barkley)
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost to HIM
There was something so awful about that place.
Losing by 50% hurt so bad
In Blago’s state
And when you’re out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was spouting shit
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just sucked so much
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Seriously
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that’s my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your (Muslin) soul
You really think you’re in control?
Well, I say you’re crazy
I say you’re crazy
I say you’re crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to deny when they’ve been thumped
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it’s no coincidence I fail
And I can act like I’m pale
Definitely crazy
Cause I’m SO crazy
Cause I’m SO crazy
Definitely
Hi nana! Why is this asshole at your retirement home?
Oh Keyes, you so craaaaazy.
I always find it ironic that Alan Keyes is against affirmative action as he clearly got into Harvard only so it could fill their “bat-shit crazy” quota.
Obama is a “radical communist.” Good, cuz those conservative communists are really scary.
twowheeljunkie: I don’t think he’s even right about that. I mean, is this really a greater crisis than, say, when Confederate troops were threatening to march on Washington? Or when British troops actually did, and burned half the city (such as it was)?
It’s so fun watching Alan Keyes get worked up. And so easy to do.
Sadly, I think I’d be more surprised if Alan Keyes ever said anything sane.
…proof of the horrible state of our mental health services!
I’d say there’s a gas leak at the Keyes’ home. But then again, its a common symptom among wingers as of late.
A lucid and well-reasoned argument. Can I borrow someone’s time machine to go back and vote for him instead of the fake American?
He’s got this astoundingly smug look on his face at parts of this, you wonder if he actually believes what he’s saying and just enjoying his delivery. He’s irrelevant, and even moreso than Ralph Nader, which really makes you wonder why he’s still talking. Maybe he really IS crazy.
pffft. The guy has made a career out of being Reagan’s pet negro.
His lesbian daughter is kind of cute. Am I a selfish hedonist for thinking that?
From a native Marylander (although I’ll be sure to play up that I was born in DC when I take my turn to run for office), I’d like to say “You’re all welcome” to every U.S. American Citizens for our politicians. Spiro Agnew, Michael Steele, Alan Keyes, myself (although I’ll be attempting to balance this fine Maryland political tradition for the libruls)
I’ve figured it all out. Someone snuck a copy of “Fight Club” in the vee-see-aruh during Mr. Keyes’s physician-monitored TV time, and he thought it was the election results. He think Tyler Durden has usurped the White House and is out to destroy Amurica!
HipHop- I also live in MD (also born in DC if anyone cool asks) and I saw real live TruckNutz drive past my house. I was so happy, I didn’t know whether to sht or go blind.
Allen Keys is Making Sense!
Just when you thought he couldn’t make himself less relevant, Keyes hits another pop-fly to the infield. Thank Jeebus, for you, Alan.
Obama is allowing Keyes no choice but to use the Eludium Q-38 Space Modulator.
Keyes, ho-hum, another gay Republican who needs medication for teh insanity.
one note Mr. Keyes,
the economy has already collapsed because of GWB and all your goppy friends.
That was quite a performance. I don’t even think Glenn Beck does the “Obama is not an American citizen” schtick. As for where all that nonexistent money is coming from Mr. Keyes: you know we liberals secretly rented out all the fresh American uterii for the purpose of communist reproduction, don’t you? Oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to tell…
Crazy as creek water.
Every time Alan Keyes goes on TV, a kitten dies.
Ha ha, “the person you call President Obama…”
Crazier than a shit house rat. Ladies and Gentlemen, your GOP!
Bitch is so jealous, the color green is suing him in the Supreme Court for identity theft.
Seriously, have you ever seen such a pathetic and obvious display of jealousy in your entire life? What was he saying about retarded children, again?
Josh Fruhlinger: What does alan call him, pray tell?
Alan needs a McLaughlin Group-type show, with Michele Bachmann, Joe the Plumber, and Glenn Beck on it. It’ll be on Fox News every Sunday morning and consist mainly of high-pitched screams and thrown coffee cups. They won’t have any guests because that might bring in the ‘reality’ factor so topics could range from the Lizard People to birth certificates to Zionist conspiracies.
Three words: Bat shit crazy.
Mahousu: Good point
It’s all fun and games until someone [even more unhinged and better-armed gets fired up by this sort of rant by a 'respectable' political commentator] puts an eye [or a 'liberal' church congregation, etc.] out.
Honestly, I fear it’s much too easy not to take psychotics like Keyes seriously while someone else, carrying a well-thumbed copy of The Turner Diaries, does. Then it gets a lot less funny very quickly.
1) “Obama is a radical communist”
2) “Everybody realizes it’s true”
3) About 60% of people approve of Obama in poll averages
ergo
60% of Americans are communists!
Thanks Alan Keyes for pointing out that a majority of Americans are communists!
“Keenyan” relations? I’m pretty sure only elderly British racists say “Keenyan”. Is he an elderly British racist?
norbizness: For the win.
Insane in the membrane [Alan's insane, got no brain]. In Alan’s case, the big 4-0 would only help.
chascates: this show would be an instant hit! then they would have to go to pay-per-view for the Coulter/Bachmann Jell-o wrestling team against Maddow/Goodman.
ManchuCandidate: Gnarls should, absolutely, record this incredible version of ‘Crazy’.
It would be a cross-over hit on the dance floor.
Think! Alan Keyes (and Alex Jones, apparently) are showing you how to do that.
This man is two tons of batshit in a five pound bag. I was friends with his daughter around and after the time he ran against Obama in Illinois. She was (is?) a super amazing radical lesbian catholic math genius black-belt who briefly rescued gay street kids and taught them kung-fu and weapons so they wouldn’t have to give up the money they earned from hustling. She was (is? we’ve lost touch) two tons of awesome in a five pound bag.
This was fun and all… but I’m just happy the world didn’t end because of this. The irony should have collapsed in on itself at least four times while he was talking and sent us all into the fourth dimension.
sublicon: OMG, Alan Keyes makes Nader look both reasonable and lovable.
Inconceivable? I do not think that word means what you think it means…
sezme: You win.
chascates: Actually, I don’t think they’d say or do anything that can’t be seen and heard on Hannity’s program.
quoth teh Raven: In his crazy mind, those born-alive fetuses will be crawling away from the gurney while knife-wielding Democrats chase them down.
The best part is when he keeps insisting, “This isn’t funny.”
I wish the fucking Repugtards would start their primary campaign tomorrow. Now that my Sean Penn Oscar buzz is wearing off (and I’m still suffering from that damn Bell’s Palsy) I’m in great need of entertainment I can enjoy the privacy and comfort of my family room.
Why, of why, do I have to wait for 2012 for the Keyes, Jindal, Palin debate?
Couldn’t someone just give him a reality TV show, maybe something along the lines of Surreal Life: Poltical addition. Add Norm Coleman, Sarah Palin and Tom Delay to the cast.
chascates: You left UN world domination out of the topics. Also, a discussion of how close we are to the End Times.Joe The Not-A-Plumber won’t get that latter one, so they’ll have to bring in a pinch-hitter. That African dude who saved Palin from witches would do nicely.
Whoa! He’s so crazy, he’s making Tom Cruise look normal. And Hinckley should maybe try getting that release again. He’s even crazier than that guy in the park with the surgical mask and the shopping bag full of poo.
A Geek Tragedy: Yes. The end.
Schadenfried: So many good teevee ideas. Will Fox have room on their schedule for the whole range of right-wing nutters?
Schadenfried: Make it a ‘Who Wants a Pundit TV Show’ and the contestants all have to live together in a single room loft in DC. They’ll have to make pilots of their programs using a cell phone camera to convince the judges (Patrick Buchanan and Robert Bork) which one is best qualified to further the Reagan Revolution.
Watch for the fights between Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin over who used whose shampoo. And will Alan Keyes come to blows with Michael Steele over who’s ‘de man’, GOP-wise? Hijinks will surely ensue when Ben Stein and Michael Medved try to stump each other with what proper culture really means.
” scuse me while I whip this this out!”
chascates: Winner gets a Cadillac Escalade. Runnerup gets two of them.
He got the Black Republican Shifty Eyes! What is it with those people and shifting their eyes all over the place…and constantly talk about how this is ‘crazy’ and that is ‘insane’…
Poor Alan Keyes, being totally ignored in an old people’s home. He is looking almost as irrelevant as Alex Jones.
Difference is, I think Alex Jones is right.
Constitutional Law Expert Alan Keyes looks like those door knockers from Labyrinth, ‘member? I want to ram a brass ring into his stupid fucking mouth.
Neon Trotsky: 60% of Americans are communists!
And homo-lovers, too, according to Sean Penn.
Wow, this country has really turned around just four weeks into the Obama presidency.
oh that Robert Downey Jr. and his antics
Sheesh, I wish I had listened to some of what this guy has to say BEFORE I gave him $5 at the freeway onramp!
Neon Trotsky: Thanks for the tip of ‘The Trap’ by BBC. Now I’m even more depressed than when I finished with Naomi Klein’s Shock Doctrine.
I’m sorry, Alan. What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the blender–I was mixing one of my famous commie-liberal fetus-and-starfruit smoothies…
Alan Keyes is a crazy person.
ye gods, that’s a sweet 4:07. He gets a touch of the duckface after each answer he gives.
OK, so if I agree with Alan, Obama was born in Nairobi. Fine. I’ll bite. That makes McCain President by default, right? Case closed, problem solved. OH WAIT WHAT’S THIS?!? McCain was born in well-known anagram-harboring isthmus of terror PANAMA. SEYE KNAL A MAN A PLAN CANAL PANAM-ALAN KEYES!
I love Alan Keyes. He is a very smart man. Unfortunately, he is as crazy as a bedbug.
hobospacejungle: At this point we should just replace the stars in the canton of the American flag with a big ol’ pink (purple?) hammer and sickle…
Cruise and Keyes, or should it be called Keyes and Cruise?
Perhaps with the occasional guest star of Ramtha.
chascates: I’m glad you found The Trap interesting (I suppose you can’t really say that one would “enjoy” it), though I wish it (or any Adam Curtis documentary) would actually air or be distributed here in the States; I mean, I suspect mouthbreathers would not understand enough to be outraged if it appeared here…
Bachman/Keyes 2012!
http://educationalrevolution.wordpress.com/
i tried reading it, the words burned my eyes with their idiocy
Could Alan Keyes please have a baby with Omarosa? Pretty please??
YouTube comments are always nutzy, but for America’s wingiest nut, they are truly mental. Sadly, they’re representative of a whole helluva lot of this country. Shit is scary.
Bombshell: Lincoln, Reagan, Clinton, 15 other U.S. presidents held office illegally
Abolition of slavery, WWII armistice could be at risk
[satire]
http://wineandexcrement.com/bombshell-lincoln-reagan-clinton-15-other-us-presidents-held-office-illegally/667/
GO ALAN, I proudly display my Alan Keyes for President 2000 bumper sticker, not all us Republifascists are Bushys! And God knows we’d have been better off now with someone who can actually think and verbally express their ideas than what we had for the last 8 years… Eat me, Libtards!
Alan appears to be off his meds again just like he was during his carpetbagger campaign for the Senate in Illinois (For you auslanders, there is no S in Illinois). He didn’t mention Obama’s foreign birth during that campaign. When he was in Illinois he campaigned for the repeal of the Seventeenth amendment. He apparently thought that a process similar to the one used to choose Roland Burris should be used to select all US Senators. It was a bribery scandal in Illinois that lead to the 17th amendment. If I remember correctly, he also decried Lincoln for abridging the rights of a certain white minority in the South. Illinois once had a State Hospital system for dealing with people like Keyes.
chascates: …Coming this fall on The FOX News Channel!
“Palin/Keyes 2012 - a skirt & a spade who can bring TEH CRAZEE we need!”
bitchincamaro: Yeah, I’ve been trolling the comments pretty hard on that video tonight because nothing good is on TV. It’s been… uh… nauseating.
user-of-owls: I’m so with you. I was reading all the posts, and they are funny, but I wasn’t laughing the way I use to. Tara Wall from CNN and that overweight black guy from the Washington Times are fake republicans and hacks. That black cross-eyed guy may be a real republican. But Alan Keyes is a bona fide crazy person. And that’s why I can’t laugh too loudly. Well I’m laughing, because that clip is funny, but… Secret Service stay on Keyes like white on rice. Or more accurately, like stink on poop.
HAHAHAHA - He so crazeee. HAhh,ha - on shit, he’s actually right. No matter. HAHAHAHAH - He so crazee!
Here’s another great video of Keyes from YouTube, striking similar themes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2-5GSjZvW8
And the Secret Service should focus on crazies who are actual threats. Keyes’ pudgy ass is no more likely to pull a John Wilkes Booth than a World of Warcraft gamer is likely to invade Mexico (His followers, on the other hand…).
Alan, you so disappoint me.
Rahm
bitchincamaro: If Alan Keyes’ history of badly losing elections didn’t predate the internet, I’d be convinced that somehow the Freepers, WorldNetDaily, AOL commenters, and The Good Mr. Keyes all were one Borg-like hive mind. Only it’s an idiot hive mind, without the super advanced society and the weird eyepieces.
DustBowlBlues: DustBowl..oh the good old days…makes me nostalgic.
Fact_Chucker: Mexico, eh? Sounds like an epic raid to me…
the next time somebody starts
whining about the lack of
black participants in GOP
politics, remember this prissy
little pathetic fuck, and
be grateful that there ARE
so few of this ilk …..