suck it christians

Obama Bigger Than Jesus

All you need is cash.Barack Obama is now officially bigger than Jesus, according to a new Harris poll — that’s right, a new study proves it! The survey, conducted last month in the United States, asked Americans to name their heroes. President Obama was the clear leader, easily beating the long-dead “Jesus” of christian mythology. Yes we can!

Another dead hero from history, Dr. Martin Luther King, took the bronze. An African-Hawaiian, a Palestinian Jew and a Baptist are now officially the nation’s “holy trinity” of heroes. America, what a country!

Honorable mentions went to — get this! — Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. The bottom five are Abe Lincoln, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, Chesley Sullenberger and Mother Teresa.

So basically, anybody mentioned in the news in the last couple of months, they are a Hero, alongside the usual suspects of JFK and Mother Teresa. Christopher Hitchens is not going to be very happy about that last choice.

“God was 11th, the poll said.”

Hitchens will be livid.

Obama tops Jesus in heroes poll [MarketWatch]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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85 comments

  1. Iggy Plop

    As soon as that Jesus guy got photographed at a party taking a bonghit, it was all over, and now like everyone’s just forgotten about him.

  2. Sara Benincasa

    Well, I for one think it’s adorable that Americans finally put a real human who actually exists ahead of a magical fairytale hippie gay. We’re making progress!

  3. AngryBlakGuy

    …geeeeeez, the last time Jesus got beat that bad he was wearing a crown of thorns and carrying a cross!

  4. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=248264]SayItWithWookies[/re]: …I chose Pol-Pot! Ha, ha, ha, my south east Asian dictator kicks your south east Asian dictator’s ass!!!

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    Jesus scored higher than God? It’s gonna be a-a-a-wkward at the Thanksgiving dinner this year.

  6. CorkPopper

    [re=248260]Sara Benincasa[/re]: No no no, Saul/Paul was the gay one. Jeebus was the hippie. And Mary is the one who told the fairy tale. Get it straight.

  7. WindbagCity

    Let’s fast forward two weeks to catch America’s apology:

    America: “If I had said television is more popular than Jesus, I might have got away with it, but I just happened to be talking to a friend and I used the word “Obama” as a remote thing, not as what I think. I just said “Obama” is having more influence on kids and things than anything else, including Jesus. But I said it in that way which is the wrong way.”

    Reporter: “Some teenagers have repeated your statements – “I like Obama more than Jesus Christ.” What do you think about that?”

    John: “Well, originally I pointed out that fact in reference to America that Obama meant more to kids than Jesus did, or religion at that time. I wasn’t knocking it or putting it down. I was just saying it as a fact. I’m not saying that Obama’s better or greater, or comparing Obama with Jesus Christ as a person or God as a thing or whatever it is. I just said what I said and it was wrong. Or it was taken wrong. And now it’s all this.”

    Reporter: “But are you prepared to apologize?”

    America (thinking that he had just apologized, because he did): “I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don’t know quite what I’ve done. I’ve tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I’m sorry.”

  8. freakishlystrong

    “Now, after the president, Jesus and King,”; That’s all the tards will read…Holy outhouse Batman, the rednecks are gonna go all racist chimp on our asses…


  9. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=248277]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: But Easter Dinner is coming up before that! Which one will just skip it due to “flight cancellations” or some such?

  10. WindbagCity

    [re=248303]Ken Layne[/re]: Haven’t you heard? Due to new management, Easter has been cancelled and replaced with Ramadan 2.

  11. Hooray For Anything

    [re=248287]WindbagCity[/re]: So when will America start protesting America and burning it’s albums?

  12. TGY

    Try savin’ the economy of the world’s last remaining superpower compared to merely havin’ yourself nailed up on a cross. The whole ‘return-from-the-dead’ thing is *so* magic-mushroom. Jesus had it easy, except for all the pain and suffering. But then there’s the Republicans, so I suppose they make up for it.

    “Whosoever believeth in me shall not go bankrupt, but have stimulus everlasting, some people excepted.”
    -The Book of Barry, Chapter 11, verse 6

  13. Bronkers

    Hail, Barry, full of grace…. but.. uh.. the rest of that ‘incantation’ would get pretty weird, anatomically.

  14. ignatius_riley

    [re=248240]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: UMMMM I’m pretty sure that Jesus fella was at least brown…so I think that’s like, what, 2.5 – 3 negroes.

  15. S.Luggo

    [re=248319]TGY[/re]: When your facing a future of day-in, day-out cold hobo beans and fried cockroach(es), a meal of fishes and loaves won’t cut it.

  16. Mr_Sundayschool

    [re=248297]freakishlystrong[/re]: That’s just silly. The main thing is to keep the negroes happy.

  17. CorkPopper

    Who was that NC guy who got fired for refusing to lower the flag to half mast in “honor” of the passing of racist asshole Jesse Helms? He’s my hero.

  18. Lazy Media

    [re=248345]ignatius_riley[/re]: Drinking the grad school Kool-Aid. Judeans — not brown, except in the suntanned sense. Ay-rabs and Joos are just as much white folks as Eyetalians and Spanishmen. Being from Bethlehem and speaking Aramaic, it’s just as likely he had red hair and blue eyes as brown/brown.

  19. Hooray For Anything

    [re=248334]S.Luggo[/re]: Or the punch line to a joke “name three people who would not be found attending a GOP Convention”

  20. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    1. Barack Obama 2. Jesus Christ 3. Martin Luther King 4. Ronald Reagan 5. George W. Bush 6. Abraham Lincoln 7. John McCain 8. John F. Kennedy 9. Chesley Sullenberger 10. Mother Teresa.

    Isn’t the scary thing that of those ten heroes, only 2 are amongst the living?

    [re=248267]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Mel Gibson is going to be so pissed at this…, once again, the Jews control all that is important.

  21. Joey Ratz

    [re=248257]Traveler[/re]: Good, though obvious, points made by Gary Langer; however, the real gold in that story is in the comment thread. Those guys deserve some big cubic zirconiums.

    Also, I am deeply conflicted about God is not great. While I sorta want Hitchens’ book, I don’t want to steer any money his way. He gets nothing if I buy a used copy, right?

  22. Bronkers

    [re=248430]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Uh, my count’s three, assuming you thing that WALNUTS is alive. Sully should stay alive and flying as long as possible, natch. As to 44, well, at least he’s outta town.

    Separately, outside of the reverse spelling wheeze, I got this question from a friend today:

    Who do athiests thank when it’s Friday?

    From this poll, I think the answer has to be Obama. Who knew he created the calendar and work-week, too?

  23. hobospacejungle

    [re=248447]Joey Ratz[/re]: Also, I am deeply conflicted about God is not great. While I sorta want Hitchens’ book, I don’t want to steer any money his way. He gets nothing if I buy a used copy, right?

    Nor if you download the audio book from, say, mininova.

  24. Becca

    Well I do believe here that who ever makes up these polls must of fell off the rock they were hatched on and hit their head! I just bet that Mr Obama does not want to be Bigger or better than Jesus. There is a place for Jesus in all of our HOMES & OUR lives or at least there should be if there is not! This may just be what is wrong with our country today or at least the bigger part of it.
    Mr. Obama is the president of our country and he sure does need the help of Jesus to take our country out of the mess it is in right now.Mr Obama has a big job to do here and everyone has to give him a break. He has not been in office for that long now. It will take 4 years if not longer to fix this mess up we are in. And it is not Mr. Obamas fault we are in this mess. SO I think anyone who bad mouths Mr. Obama should try to do a better job their selfs. Mr Obama is a very educated man and he seems like a very careing person as well. I say that yes he is a black man but he applied him self and went after his dream and he was fit to have his dream. If we all apply our selfs we can be all we want to be no matter what color we are or who we are. People that say I can’t well they never can people that say I can they can! I do think we all have to give Mr. Obama a chance to clean up before we can say anything negative about him! Or if you can do better then DO better and good luck to ya!

  25. skutre

    All that Jesus, lamb blood running down the gutter, sacrificing and extraordinary roman renditions are behind us. We have to look forward.

  26. trondant

    [re=248467]Bronkers[/re]: No, two is right. WALNUTS! has been dead for three years, but has an anal Rayovac battery implant that keeps him going.

    George W. Bush is a hologram on an Old Country Buffet placemat, next to the word search puzzle.

  27. skutre

    [re=248553]Becca[/re]: You could help Jesus and Obama save the world by fixing the economy if you give them all the commas you have been saving up it must be a lot because you never waste them.

    Also

  28. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=248467]Bronkers[/re]: Other than Obama and Chumsley Wigglesbottom III, there is no proof that anyone else on that list is amongst the living.

  29. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=248662]Ken Layne[/re]: That’s not fair Ken. Jesus just happen to be in that bathhouse when a burly black guy came up to him (all right, it was Obama).

    Can you blame him if he immediately dropped to his knees and forked over $20? Can you say you would have done anything differently?

  30. sarcasticusername

    @Lascauxcaveman: well jesus was kind of maybe black too, so it’s kinda a clean sweep; which is obviously much closer to typicall 100m results anyway.

  31. kingofnothing

    Bush beat out Lincoln for 5th place? Something’s not quite right….must be those butterfly ballots again.

  32. S.Luggo

    [re=248553]Becca[/re]: To meet the criteria of finely-honed, Algonquin Round Table wit of the posts herein, you must insert “dickwad” at least twice into each sentence. – Denby

  33. Dave S.

    “My hero is the Lebanese gang member who threw the first punch at Hitchens.”

    Your heroes are Hezbollah subsidiaries? Not surprising.

    Some differences between Obama and Jesus:

    1) Jesus thought he was just the SON of God.
    2) Jesus could assemble a cabinet.
    3) Jesus knew his father.

    Now, as an atheist, I don’t believe in either of these mythical worship-figures. But I only make fun of Barack to balance out the puerile crap being spewed here about the other one. Really, gay anal-sex jokes? Can’t left-wingers even PRETEND to be adults?

  34. GooseInANoose

    Sorry Dave, we can’t all fire off classy quips like “OBAMA THINK HE MESSIAH DUURRRRRR!” You’ll have to carry that banner for a little while longer.

  35. Reefpilot

    Dave, how do your right-wing boyfriends treat you if they know you’re an atheist? I bet you keep that shit secret when you’re biting the pillow. Jesus-denying and being a right-winger mixes like being gay and republican, and that… oh wait. Yet another conflict within the ideology of God’s party!

  36. bigrazoo

    This makes me ill, this idiot being compared to Jesus Christ is Blasphemous. He is a no experience having moron and what has he done in one month, put us deeper in debt than we have ever been. He shoved his pork bill down our throats and now he wants to bail out people who thanks to Barney and Harry can’t afford their homes. What about the rest of us. His pork package is down to a 51 percent approval and falling.

    Where is the change–crooks appointed to cabinet posts, and apparent crook got his senate seat. Lobbyist he said he would not allow in any post appointed into the staff.

    Where is the hope–he is running the country down so fast even Clinton told him to shut his mouth.

    He is an egomaniac and it shows the ignorance of the American voter who bought his line of bull crap hook line and sinker and sink is the ultimate word cause we are sinking faster than we can bail out the ship.

  37. GooseInANoose

    [re=248857]bigrazoo[/re]: Dayuuuuuuuuuuuuumn… “no experience having,” that’s harsh, brother.

  38. Reefpilot

    You trolls and jesus humpers are disappointing. This post was tailored for you guys… you got your god jesus, second only to the martyr, true American Dale Earnhardt, and you got the antichrist Barrack Obama, the most evil libral ever. I want to see the comments up to at least 200 by morning. Good comments too, with at least a 3-inch block of barely literate text.

    Also… Jesus was a member of my raiding guild in warcraft, but I had to kick Him, as his DPS was always in the bottom 10% and his cybering of the teens on vent was getting on all of our nerves.

  39. patrickhenry

    well you know what happened to john lennon when he said that i’ll be looking for those lighting bolts

  40. slinkimalinki

    [re=248312]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: man, you nailed that one.
    [re=248886]Lee Atwater[/re]: i believe it’s his pork package, also.

  41. Liberty

    Jesus would support sending 17,000 more troops into afghanistan I’m sure. I feel so relieved to know that Obama and Jesus see eye to eye when it comes to bombing and killing.

    I’m envisioning a GIANT poster of OBAMA with the words: STATUS QUO underneath.

  42. humble pinko

    When asked to apologize, America will have a similar response to John Lennon: “I meant it, God’s not real.”

  43. gurukalehuru

    [re=248802]Dave S.[/re]: Hi, Dave, just because you’re an atheist, doesn’t mean you aren’t also a dickwad.

Comments are closed.