SUCK IT CHRISTIANS  2:06 pm February 20, 2009

Obama Bigger Than Jesus

by Ken Layne

All you need is cash.Barack Obama is now officially bigger than Jesus, according to a new Harris poll — that’s right, a new study proves it! The survey, conducted last month in the United States, asked Americans to name their heroes. President Obama was the clear leader, easily beating the long-dead “Jesus” of christian mythology. Yes we can!

Another dead hero from history, Dr. Martin Luther King, took the bronze. An African-Hawaiian, a Palestinian Jew and a Baptist are now officially the nation’s “holy trinity” of heroes. America, what a country!

Honorable mentions went to — get this! — Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. The bottom five are Abe Lincoln, John McCain, John F. Kennedy, Chesley Sullenberger and Mother Teresa.

So basically, anybody mentioned in the news in the last couple of months, they are a Hero, alongside the usual suspects of JFK and Mother Teresa. Christopher Hitchens is not going to be very happy about that last choice.

“God was 11th, the poll said.”

Hitchens will be livid.

Obama tops Jesus in heroes poll [MarketWatch]

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teebob2000 February 20, 2009 at 2:11 pm

But long-dead Steven Seagal still kicked his ass!

FlownOver February 20, 2009 at 2:11 pm

I thought size didn’t matter.

What? WHAT?!?

Lascauxcaveman February 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Two negroes in the top three? What is this, the 100 meters?


Iggy Plop February 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

As soon as that Jesus guy got photographed at a party taking a bonghit, it was all over, and now like everyone’s just forgotten about him.

PomPom February 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

That kid who did Kittens Inspired by Kittens is my hero. And also Abel Maldonado, also.

ManchuCandidate February 20, 2009 at 2:14 pm

It also includes W and Raygun.

Poll Shows Part of US America still ‘tarded.

SwanSwanH February 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Whither “Working Class Hero” John Lennon? Q.E.D.

Servo February 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Can we send this to The Corner?

Suds McKenzie February 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=248238]teebob2000[/re]: yes Glimmer Man #1.

chascates February 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm

And Obama is a way sharper dresser than Jesus ever was.

Traveler February 20, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Sara Benincasa February 20, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Well, I for one think it’s adorable that Americans finally put a real human who actually exists ahead of a magical fairytale hippie gay. We’re making progress!

Colander February 20, 2009 at 2:25 pm

My hero, since I was a little boy, was, and always will be, Nancy Pelosi.

SayItWithWookies February 20, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Geeze — was I the only person who voted for Ho Chi Minh again?!

AngryBlakGuy February 20, 2009 at 2:27 pm

…geeeeeez, the last time Jesus got beat that bad he was wearing a crown of thorns and carrying a cross!

AngryBlakGuy February 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=248264]SayItWithWookies[/re]: …I chose Pol-Pot! Ha, ha, ha, my south east Asian dictator kicks your south east Asian dictator’s ass!!!

magic titty February 20, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=248240]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Win.

Texan Bulldoggette February 20, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Jesus scored higher than God? It’s gonna be a-a-a-wkward at the Thanksgiving dinner this year.

CorkPopper February 20, 2009 at 2:33 pm

[re=248260]Sara Benincasa[/re]: No no no, Saul/Paul was the gay one. Jeebus was the hippie. And Mary is the one who told the fairy tale. Get it straight.

iwillsavethispatient February 20, 2009 at 2:33 pm

What about Odysseus, Hercules, and Jason? Not the Argonaut, the Halloween killer.

Violenza February 20, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Roseanna said some funny shit about Hitchens today – gay, gay gay.

Nick vdK February 20, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Who the fuck is Chesley Sullenberger?

SayItWithWookies February 20, 2009 at 2:35 pm

[re=248272]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: ORLY?

WindbagCity February 20, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Let’s fast forward two weeks to catch America’s apology:

America: “If I had said television is more popular than Jesus, I might have got away with it, but I just happened to be talking to a friend and I used the word “Obama” as a remote thing, not as what I think. I just said “Obama” is having more influence on kids and things than anything else, including Jesus. But I said it in that way which is the wrong way.”

Reporter: “Some teenagers have repeated your statements – “I like Obama more than Jesus Christ.” What do you think about that?”

John: “Well, originally I pointed out that fact in reference to America that Obama meant more to kids than Jesus did, or religion at that time. I wasn’t knocking it or putting it down. I was just saying it as a fact. I’m not saying that Obama’s better or greater, or comparing Obama with Jesus Christ as a person or God as a thing or whatever it is. I just said what I said and it was wrong. Or it was taken wrong. And now it’s all this.”

Reporter: “But are you prepared to apologize?”

America (thinking that he had just apologized, because he did): “I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don’t know quite what I’ve done. I’ve tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I’m sorry.”

Violenza February 20, 2009 at 2:36 pm

[re=248282]Violenza[/re]: Or as some say, Roseanne.

freakishlystrong February 20, 2009 at 2:42 pm

“Now, after the president, Jesus and King,”; That’s all the tards will read…Holy outhouse Batman, the rednecks are gonna go all racist chimp on our asses…

Ken Layne February 20, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=248277]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: But Easter Dinner is coming up before that! Which one will just skip it due to “flight cancellations” or some such?

Trace February 20, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Well, at least Cloud Strife wasn’t #1 again like last year.

iwillsavethispatient February 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm

[re=248285]Nick vdK[/re]: One of the Peaches Geldolf entourage.

WindbagCity February 20, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=248303]Ken Layne[/re]: Haven’t you heard? Due to new management, Easter has been cancelled and replaced with Ramadan 2.

iwillsavethispatient February 20, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=248303]Ken Layne[/re]: Hahaha.. come Easter, Jesus is SO dead.

Hooray For Anything February 20, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=248287]WindbagCity[/re]: So when will America start protesting America and burning it’s albums?

chascates February 20, 2009 at 2:57 pm

To physically compare Obama with Jesus and the other two (2?) of the holey trinity a leggo version is available here:

TGY February 20, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Try savin’ the economy of the world’s last remaining superpower compared to merely havin’ yourself nailed up on a cross. The whole ‘return-from-the-dead’ thing is *so* magic-mushroom. Jesus had it easy, except for all the pain and suffering. But then there’s the Republicans, so I suppose they make up for it.

“Whosoever believeth in me shall not go bankrupt, but have stimulus everlasting, some people excepted.”
-The Book of Barry, Chapter 11, verse 6

AWOcoholic February 20, 2009 at 3:04 pm

“Mother Teresa, who was number 5 in 2001, is now number 10. ”

EAT THAT, Mother Theresa!!!

WagTehGod February 20, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Reagan? What, did Mittens get like 2000 votes or something?

S.Luggo February 20, 2009 at 3:10 pm

[re=248240]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: You must mean two negroes AND a jew. Sounds like an NAACP conference.

Bronkers February 20, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Hail, Barry, full of grace…. but.. uh.. the rest of that ‘incantation’ would get pretty weird, anatomically.

ignatius_riley February 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm

[re=248240]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: UMMMM I’m pretty sure that Jesus fella was at least brown…so I think that’s like, what, 2.5 – 3 negroes.

S.Luggo February 20, 2009 at 3:17 pm

[re=248319]TGY[/re]: When your facing a future of day-in, day-out cold hobo beans and fried cockroach(es), a meal of fishes and loaves won’t cut it.

S.Luggo February 20, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Mr_Sundayschool February 20, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=248297]freakishlystrong[/re]: That’s just silly. The main thing is to keep the negroes happy.

CorkPopper February 20, 2009 at 3:46 pm

Who was that NC guy who got fired for refusing to lower the flag to half mast in “honor” of the passing of racist asshole Jesse Helms? He’s my hero.

WindbagCity February 20, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=248315]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Isn’t this what RedState does every day?

Lazy Media February 20, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=248345]ignatius_riley[/re]: Drinking the grad school Kool-Aid. Judeans — not brown, except in the suntanned sense. Ay-rabs and Joos are just as much white folks as Eyetalians and Spanishmen. Being from Bethlehem and speaking Aramaic, it’s just as likely he had red hair and blue eyes as brown/brown.

Hooray For Anything February 20, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=248334]S.Luggo[/re]: Or the punch line to a joke “name three people who would not be found attending a GOP Convention”

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 20, 2009 at 4:14 pm

1. Barack Obama 2. Jesus Christ 3. Martin Luther King 4. Ronald Reagan 5. George W. Bush 6. Abraham Lincoln 7. John McCain 8. John F. Kennedy 9. Chesley Sullenberger 10. Mother Teresa.

Isn’t the scary thing that of those ten heroes, only 2 are amongst the living?

[re=248267]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Mel Gibson is going to be so pissed at this…, once again, the Jews control all that is important.

Sussemilch February 20, 2009 at 4:14 pm

And both Jesus and Obama kicked the moneylenders’ asses.

Numbat Dundee February 20, 2009 at 4:26 pm

My hero is the Lebanese gang member who threw the first punch at Hitchens.

Joey Ratz February 20, 2009 at 4:29 pm

[re=248257]Traveler[/re]: Good, though obvious, points made by Gary Langer; however, the real gold in that story is in the comment thread. Those guys deserve some big cubic zirconiums.

Also, I am deeply conflicted about God is not great. While I sorta want Hitchens’ book, I don’t want to steer any money his way. He gets nothing if I buy a used copy, right?

Bronkers February 20, 2009 at 4:44 pm

[re=248430]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Uh, my count’s three, assuming you thing that WALNUTS is alive. Sully should stay alive and flying as long as possible, natch. As to 44, well, at least he’s outta town.

Separately, outside of the reverse spelling wheeze, I got this question from a friend today:

Who do athiests thank when it’s Friday?

From this poll, I think the answer has to be Obama. Who knew he created the calendar and work-week, too?

hobospacejungle February 20, 2009 at 4:53 pm

[re=248447]Joey Ratz[/re]: Also, I am deeply conflicted about God is not great. While I sorta want Hitchens’ book, I don’t want to steer any money his way. He gets nothing if I buy a used copy, right?

Nor if you download the audio book from, say, mininova.

teebob2000 February 20, 2009 at 5:10 pm

[re=248445]Numbat Dundee[/re]: Hitchens was beaten up by lesbians??!

Well, makes sense I guess.

keepinitrealyo February 20, 2009 at 5:24 pm

[re=248467]Bronkers[/re]: “Who do athiests thank when it’s Friday?”

Jack Webb.

Becca February 20, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Well I do believe here that who ever makes up these polls must of fell off the rock they were hatched on and hit their head! I just bet that Mr Obama does not want to be Bigger or better than Jesus. There is a place for Jesus in all of our HOMES & OUR lives or at least there should be if there is not! This may just be what is wrong with our country today or at least the bigger part of it.
Mr. Obama is the president of our country and he sure does need the help of Jesus to take our country out of the mess it is in right now.Mr Obama has a big job to do here and everyone has to give him a break. He has not been in office for that long now. It will take 4 years if not longer to fix this mess up we are in. And it is not Mr. Obamas fault we are in this mess. SO I think anyone who bad mouths Mr. Obama should try to do a better job their selfs. Mr Obama is a very educated man and he seems like a very careing person as well. I say that yes he is a black man but he applied him self and went after his dream and he was fit to have his dream. If we all apply our selfs we can be all we want to be no matter what color we are or who we are. People that say I can’t well they never can people that say I can they can! I do think we all have to give Mr. Obama a chance to clean up before we can say anything negative about him! Or if you can do better then DO better and good luck to ya!

bopumofu February 20, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Jesus was more an Assyrian than a Jew

Texan Bulldoggette February 20, 2009 at 6:26 pm

[re=248553]Becca[/re]: Ummm…you’re new around here, aren’t you?

skutre February 20, 2009 at 6:37 pm

All that Jesus, lamb blood running down the gutter, sacrificing and extraordinary roman renditions are behind us. We have to look forward.

trondant February 20, 2009 at 6:41 pm

[re=248467]Bronkers[/re]: No, two is right. WALNUTS! has been dead for three years, but has an anal Rayovac battery implant that keeps him going.

George W. Bush is a hologram on an Old Country Buffet placemat, next to the word search puzzle.

AxmxZ February 20, 2009 at 6:41 pm

“Obama Tops Jesus, Has Cigarette.”

skutre February 20, 2009 at 6:47 pm

[re=248553]Becca[/re]: You could help Jesus and Obama save the world by fixing the economy if you give them all the commas you have been saving up it must be a lot because you never waste them.


Lionel Hutz Esq. February 20, 2009 at 6:50 pm

[re=248467]Bronkers[/re]: Other than Obama and Chumsley Wigglesbottom III, there is no proof that anyone else on that list is amongst the living.

AxmxZ February 20, 2009 at 7:10 pm

[re=248553]Becca[/re]: I don’t want to apply my selfs. Can I applique them instead?

Ken Layne February 20, 2009 at 7:43 pm

[re=248553]Becca[/re]: nah dude jesus is a total fag.

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 20, 2009 at 8:57 pm

[re=248662]Ken Layne[/re]: That’s not fair Ken. Jesus just happen to be in that bathhouse when a burly black guy came up to him (all right, it was Obama).

Can you blame him if he immediately dropped to his knees and forked over $20? Can you say you would have done anything differently?

sarcasticusername February 20, 2009 at 9:19 pm

@Lascauxcaveman: well jesus was kind of maybe black too, so it’s kinda a clean sweep; which is obviously much closer to typicall 100m results anyway.

kingofnothing February 20, 2009 at 9:50 pm

Bush beat out Lincoln for 5th place? Something’s not quite right….must be those butterfly ballots again.

TexasCowGirl February 20, 2009 at 10:08 pm

But, I thought Hopey was Jesus?

S.Luggo February 21, 2009 at 1:46 am

[re=248553]Becca[/re]: To meet the criteria of finely-honed, Algonquin Round Table wit of the posts herein, you must insert “dickwad” at least twice into each sentence. – Denby

Dave S. February 21, 2009 at 10:10 am

“My hero is the Lebanese gang member who threw the first punch at Hitchens.”

Your heroes are Hezbollah subsidiaries? Not surprising.

Some differences between Obama and Jesus:

1) Jesus thought he was just the SON of God.
2) Jesus could assemble a cabinet.
3) Jesus knew his father.

Now, as an atheist, I don’t believe in either of these mythical worship-figures. But I only make fun of Barack to balance out the puerile crap being spewed here about the other one. Really, gay anal-sex jokes? Can’t left-wingers even PRETEND to be adults?

GooseInANoose February 21, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Sorry Dave, we can’t all fire off classy quips like “OBAMA THINK HE MESSIAH DUURRRRRR!” You’ll have to carry that banner for a little while longer.

Reefpilot February 21, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Dave, how do your right-wing boyfriends treat you if they know you’re an atheist? I bet you keep that shit secret when you’re biting the pillow. Jesus-denying and being a right-winger mixes like being gay and republican, and that… oh wait. Yet another conflict within the ideology of God’s party!

bigrazoo February 21, 2009 at 3:12 pm

This makes me ill, this idiot being compared to Jesus Christ is Blasphemous. He is a no experience having moron and what has he done in one month, put us deeper in debt than we have ever been. He shoved his pork bill down our throats and now he wants to bail out people who thanks to Barney and Harry can’t afford their homes. What about the rest of us. His pork package is down to a 51 percent approval and falling.

Where is the change–crooks appointed to cabinet posts, and apparent crook got his senate seat. Lobbyist he said he would not allow in any post appointed into the staff.

Where is the hope–he is running the country down so fast even Clinton told him to shut his mouth.

He is an egomaniac and it shows the ignorance of the American voter who bought his line of bull crap hook line and sinker and sink is the ultimate word cause we are sinking faster than we can bail out the ship.

Reefpilot February 21, 2009 at 3:19 pm


Clearly, Sarah Palin was the better choice. Clearly.

GooseInANoose February 21, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=248857]bigrazoo[/re]: Dayuuuuuuuuuuuuumn… “no experience having,” that’s harsh, brother.

Reefpilot February 21, 2009 at 3:42 pm

You trolls and jesus humpers are disappointing. This post was tailored for you guys… you got your god jesus, second only to the martyr, true American Dale Earnhardt, and you got the antichrist Barrack Obama, the most evil libral ever. I want to see the comments up to at least 200 by morning. Good comments too, with at least a 3-inch block of barely literate text.

Also… Jesus was a member of my raiding guild in warcraft, but I had to kick Him, as his DPS was always in the bottom 10% and his cybering of the teens on vent was getting on all of our nerves.

Lee Atwater February 21, 2009 at 5:34 pm

[re=248857]bigrazoo[/re]: Shoved his pork bill down our throats? Sexy.

patrickhenry February 21, 2009 at 7:58 pm

well you know what happened to john lennon when he said that i’ll be looking for those lighting bolts

slinkimalinki February 21, 2009 at 10:42 pm

[re=248312]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: man, you nailed that one.
[re=248886]Lee Atwater[/re]: i believe it’s his pork package, also.

Liberty February 22, 2009 at 1:16 am

Jesus would support sending 17,000 more troops into afghanistan I’m sure. I feel so relieved to know that Obama and Jesus see eye to eye when it comes to bombing and killing.

I’m envisioning a GIANT poster of OBAMA with the words: STATUS QUO underneath.

villageatrois February 22, 2009 at 5:26 am

Poll is bogus. Frank Zappa not even mentioned.

humble pinko February 23, 2009 at 1:38 am

When asked to apologize, America will have a similar response to John Lennon: “I meant it, God’s not real.”

gurukalehuru April 2, 2010 at 9:13 am

[re=248553]Becca[/re]: Lighten up, babe.

gurukalehuru April 2, 2010 at 9:17 am

[re=248802]Dave S.[/re]: Hi, Dave, just because you’re an atheist, doesn’t mean you aren’t also a dickwad.

gurukalehuru April 2, 2010 at 9:21 am

[re=248857]bigrazoo[/re]: I bet I got a bigrazoo than you do.

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