Wonkette
Quite possibly the only job worse than mopping the floors in a rendering plant is working in constituent services. So many gross citizens calling angrily all the time, and writing dumb emails, demanding this thing or that thing and generally wasting the time of staffers who could actually be doing something productive if they didn’t have to keep answering the phone and nodding thoughtfully. Naturally, tolerating citizen complaints can eventually send you over the edge into MADNESS, as evidenced by the complete and total breakdown of a legislative aide in St. Paul.
Wonkette Operative “Sara” (no relation) writes, “I wrote Sen. Paul Koering a short, professional email about his decision to vote no on the marriage equality bill, and this is what I got in response. It’s kind of insane.”
Some background: Senator Koering is openly gay, and Republican, and represents a conservative district in rural Minnesota. So presumably he got a fair amount of “Nice move HYPOCRITE” sorts of emails from people less tactful than our “Sara.”
Here is the letter in full:
My name is Ken Swecker, Senator Koering’s Legislative Assistant. Senator Koering and I both would like to respond to the e-mails we’ve been receiving regarding his intention to not vote in favor of Senate File 120. I am currently responding to the e-mails to give you the Senator’s home phone number so that you might call him over the weekend and speak with him personally on the matter. This much he asked me to do.
To add to that, as a personal statement, is to say that SF 120 is something that the majority of the People of Senate District 12, the People that he was elected to represent, do not favor this piece of legislation. In case you have forgotten, we are a government of the People, by the People, and for the People. He was not elected serve his personal interests. I personally believe that instead of sending e-mails full of threats and hateful words you should take his example to heart and congratulate him on being a legislator who cares more about what the People of his district want than what he may want personally. You and I both know that this is a rare quality to find, and just because this is contrary to how you wish for him to vote, you must remember and respect he is here to represent the interests of his rural Minnesota constituents who voted him into office. As a constituent of his myself, I am happy to see him take non-personal votes on several issues. After all, I would not want another politician taking another vote that would serve his or her personal interests more so than the People’s, would you?
I can testify all day long about how much Senator Koering cares for the People of Senate District 12. He ran three consecutive times, being defeated the first two, and why did he put himself through so much hard work? Do you think it was because he needed another job? Absolutely not! He did it because he believed he was the best person to serve the People that he calls neighbors, friends, and family. And especially now, in a time like this, we are being bogged down with this completely pointless issue. There are People in Morrison and Crow Wing Counties, and across the State who are losing their jobs, their homes, their insurance, and were you to ask them if this is an issue that should take one second of precedent over these conditions they’re facing every day, do you believe, do you honestly believe that they would say to you, ‘Yes, please, waste the time of the State Legislature with a piece of legislation that will not help, but in fact, overshadow the current situation we’re living in? Please, waste their time with this piece of legislation while I tell my son and daughter that mom and dad aren’t hungry tonight?’
I know very well that you will respond to this e-mail of mine with some probably quirky, snide, and very thoughtless comment that will make me out to be a bad person and threaten the Senator even more just as most of the absolutely tactless and disrespectful e-mails we’ve received have been written, but really, don’t waste your time. We’ll just put your e-mail where it belongs, in the trash.
The Senator’s home number is [Redacted, lest the senator be deluged with midnight phone calls from drunk Wonktards demanding Truck Nutz. -- Ed.].
He’s free on the weekends.
Very Sincerely, every word of it,
Ken SweckerP.S.
I hope you do not believe that this e-mail was written specific to the one that you sent, this is a blanket e-mail, being sent to everyone who has e-mailed us on this issue and I’ve already wasted too much time in responding to you. Good day.Senator Paul Koering
District 12
131 State Office Building
St. Paul, MN 55155-1206
Phone:651-296-4875
Give that man a raise.
This is why they shouldn’t let teh gays in guvmint. They get all hissy over things. I believe that is when they start mincing, also.
But you published the office number? Now Ken is going to be deluged with drunk Wonketteers demanding trucknuts. You think we wait until the evening to start drinking?
Based on the sentence structure, let me be the first to congratulate Meghan McCain on getting a paying job.
Ken haz sad. Awww.
He’s right you know,Minnesota’s Republicans have more important things to do,like baby farming and planning their next make out session with John Boehner,,preferably during the State of The Union.
Wow! That’s one big ass blanket statement! Guess the senator likes it under a blanket?
“The Senator is this really swell guy who places more importance on his constituents’ views than his own. And if you email again, I’ll just delete it. Lalalalalalaaa I can’t hear you.”
Per his official Senate web page, his home number is 218.829.0544
http://www.senate.leg.state.mn.us/members/member_bio.php?mem_id=1027
You LOSE. Good Day, sir!
Good Day, Indeed!
Meooooooow!
He writes like a bitterz bill collector…
Get that man a snuggie.
AnnieGetYourFun: Reposted here, with home phone number.
Stay classy, Minnesota.
Let’s just hope the good Senator’s constituents don’t decide they need to re-criminalize sodomy. How would he lock himself in?
Why do all wingnuts use some sort of quasi-German capitalization scheme? Is writing People like a slightly more professional version of ALL CAPS?
I LOVE Office Space. (Sorry, OT but someone had to say it!)
Like Ken and the good senator, I’m worried about those People in Crow Wing County. If only I’d known! How foolish of my to think that the great senator, who finally got elected after three tries, would care what I think is important. I should care about what he thinks is important, like those people in Calf Balls County.
“He’s free on the weekends.” Ahem, when he’s not re-enacting the scene from Deliverance with his ‘roommate’.
V572625694: ‘How foolish of me,” I’d have said were I not so confounded by my empathy with the people of Donkey Turd County.
It’s like a character in a George Saunders story come to life.
We’ll just put your e-mail where it belongs, in the trash.
OH, SNIZZAP! FEEL THE MASSIVE BURN!
I know very well that you will respond to this e-mail of mine with some probably quirky, snide, and very thoughtless comment that will make me out to be a bad person.
Elliot, is that you?
He’s free on the weekends.
I has a sad.
Yeesh, sounds like someone needs a reach-around…
That letter could be improved only by adding a racist monkey.
“Please, waste their time with this piece of legislation while I tell my son and daughter that mom and dad aren’t hungry tonight?”
Hungry for what? The gayz took away their appetite for Hot Hetrosexual Lovin’? I don’t get it.
Anyway, how come I never get emails like this from my congressmen? Mine are thank you for your blah blah but blah blah blah.
V572625694: Blue Scrotum County, also.
Seriously though, this “will of the people” argument is crap, and especially shameful when someone in government makes it. Is it a legislator’s duty to comply with the will of the people when they, in their ignorance, clamor to have their Constitutional rights taken away? Obviously not, and the senator and his snitty LA know that it’s just the most expedient argument they can rustle up. Let’s see what happens when it’s the will of the people to come to his office and knock the dicks out of his mouth.
Wouldn’t legalizing gay marriage in Minnesota help the economy when all the gays from the Dakotas visit to marry their sheep? (This comment is based on what I have learned of teh ghays from NY Post cartoons).
Texan Bulldoggette: Sweet Jeebus, me too, Paulie probably plays Federal Pound me in the Ass Prison on his free weekends…
The Senator was outed, indirectly, by Michelle Bachmann. Apparently, the fight over the proposed amendment to the state constitution, sponsored by Bachmann, became so contentious that rumors of Senator Koering’s sexual orientation became more prominent. He admitted his homosexuality after breaking with the R’s on a procedural vote concerning the gay marriage ban.
According to this article, Bachmann (then a member of the state senate) asked for police protection after she was trapped in a bathroom by supporters of the bill. http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=79575
davitydave: Or a mincing gay.
The congressman would have wrote the blanket response himself but he’s too busy trying to fit into his wetsuit so he can start his weekly self mutilation with his favorite meat tenderizer.
Do you know what would save the economy AND balance the budget, while also giving this poor aide time to stop thinking of the starving millions and work on allowing gays to marry — legalizing marajuana. Just saying.
P.P.S. And, although Sen. Koering is an Orthodox Jew, he will be voting yes on Senate File 207, aka the “Send Jews to Detention Camps” bill because his Constituents are all Nazis and that is what They want. Will he do it because he supports it? Hardly! He is serving the People’s interests. Ever heard of it? I’m sure he’d prefer not to be loaded into a boxcar and hauled away like a farm animal but that would be quirky and selfish and a betrayal of Myself and everyone that he is forced to serve. There.
bumfug: I thought the mincing gay was already there.
Aaaaaawwwww . . . check out this picture of Koering’s dog Snoopy. I take back everything mean I’ve ever said about anyone at any time ever.
http://paulkoering.com/photo_gallery/index.html
Sarah Palin is now cross-dressing and serving as a staffer to a MN state senator? Curiouser and curiouser… Also.
Thegreatbacon: I think they are already reliant on Minnesota for their abortions. Of course given my experience with Dakotans they aren’t much different than sheep, they just have a slightly more thorough knowledge of the bible.
suchsweetthunder: I find it childishly amusing that a gay man owns a wienie dog.
My bulldog can kick that wienie dog’s ass. Also.
Advocatus_Diaboli:
My exact thoughts…a good ol’ Gene Wilder nutty.
suchsweetthunder: He’s got pictures of himself as a kid there. Which brings to mind the question, “How old was he when he realized he didn’t want to have the same rights as the other kids?”
ToeCramps: Seriously, this lil’ mincer gets the all-time award for the biggest, rambling, long-ass form letter ever.
Here’s an example of a more concise one, for future reference:
Dear ____,
Bite me. You suck, because ______ .
Hugs ‘n’ Kisses,
Senator Paul Koering
District 12
suchsweetthunder: Well, at least he has a copy of his birth certificate on his campaign website. No one will call him a muslin!
Leave Britney Alone! [sob]
Whoa, spooky!!!! Just as I was reading this, Styx’ “Fooling Yourself (Angry Young Man)” came on my iPod, currently in song shuffle mode in my self-created and bitchin’ “70’s Rock” playlist!!!
Oh, shit — what did I just say about myself???
Burn?
Swecker??!! I hardly know her!!
That Leg Aid should be filing for unemployment in 3 …. 2 ……
suchsweetthunder: Never mind the dog, I want to know what he’s doing “In [the] Senate Retiring Room with Father Glen Derby from St. Paul’s Episcopal Church”
Or maybe I don’t…
Koering’s office will be announcing the “resignation” of staffer Ken Swecker in 3…2…1….
shanemacgowan: Well now that you’ve told me that I almost feel sorry for the guy. Working every day with Michell Bachmann Trucknutz Overdirve would drive anyone completely chimpanzee killing spree crazy.
Is it better to be unemployed or to work as an aide to a state senator?
Chairman Mao approves of such decorum.
teebob2000:
Please don’t mention Bob Seger…EVER!
“Quite possibly the only job worse than mopping the floors in a rendering plant is working in constituent services”
…naaaaah, I think having open envelopes stuffed with feces, in the GOP mail room is possibly a tad bit worse.
Who the hell wants to get married anyway? Marriage ruins everything. You can thank Senator Koering with a nice gift basket this winter solstice.
suchsweetthunder: I like the picture of him with Father Paul Fruth. “Here’s a picture of me and my friend who thinks that I am going to burn in Hell for eternity! (Little does he know that I have a few secrets about him that I plan on sharing with the Prince of Lies!)”
Now, that was a really nice letter. So often you just get some bullshit answer but he took the time to come somewhere close to the truth. And you people are making fun of him.
Okay, yeah, he’s nuts. Poor dude needs to up his dosage for sure.
benj-thewrathofgod: +1, you overly literate-tard.
Obviously his constituents are very smart. They elected this guy over the president of the body in 2002. Yup, go from a Senate President with seniority to a brand new senator, in the minority party. Yup, good call.
No, not insane. Insane people use multiple exclamation marks!!!!
Perhaps he O.D.-ed on soulessness and had to actually write a real response. Humanity springs forth in the most unlikely places.
Servo: Please don’t mention Bob Seger…EVER!
My iPod is a guaranteed Seger-free portable music device.
space stout: If Sarah Palin is working for him then apparently his district includes Moose Knuckle County as well.
Can’t we just cede MN to Canada and be done with it?
SayItWithWookies: Agreed. Representative democracy means the people pick someone to represent them, vesting their right to make choices in that person. If that just meant that the representative parroted the opinion of the masses, we should just abolish it and set up some kind of direct democracy. I mean, most people are fracking morans, and if their opinion mattered we’d be sort of screwed.
umm,,, the Senator is the one who is openly gay. the twit who wrote this letter is not.
He’s free on the weekends.
Well, not free exactly. But his rates are reasonable.
Thegreatbacon: Agreed.
Ha ha, silly Minnesotan. His grasp of grammar and syntax is TOTEZ HILAREZ and FULL OF WIN!1!
bitchincamaro: As a Minnesotan, let me say that is a excellent idea! Health care, gay marriage and education at last!! Whoo-hoo!!
In defense of my state, let me just say this: Paul. Wellstone.
You go girl…
“You People don’t deserve this wonderful wonderful man. But I do! There, I said it. Happy now?” [Collapses, sobbing.]
I like that picture of him as a young boy already trying out the comb over he knew he would need someday. Good he gave up on that but losing a few pounds right away would be smart.Lord, I wish I had me an assistant Ken doll who would write me a few letters like that.
bitchincamaro: As a Minnesotan, I’d be fine with that. Even with Obama as president, it’s still a wingnut country.
So that’s where he went after Arnie Vinick lost.
Ironically enough, Sen Koering has been known to write such indignant letters himself:
“Let me be very clear: I am a gay. loyal McDonald’s customer. I have been a gay loyal McDonald’s customer since my older brother’s best friend mother first took me into that shed by the pool to one of your establishments and fed me oh Ben don’t! a delicious Big Mac. Ever since then ― for almost 30 years ― I have continued to patronize manhunt.net your restaurants.
As a longtime and loyal gay customer of McDonald’s, I demand some answers:
Why won’t you fill the ball room with hot young twinks and/or Mario Lopez? Also, ball gags. did you co-sponsor gay pride day in San Francisco, knowing full well that gay sex feels good is contrary to the will of god?”
Icemelter: Hope you don’t mind I copied your brilliant missive & forwarded on to Senator Koering, attn Ken Swecker, from one of my email accounts set up just for this kind of thing. He’ll be receiving a (your) message from Major Dump momentarily. I’ll post any reply I receive.
Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just send a blanket email that said “Fuck all y’all?”
As a legislative aide who has had to answer many a letter/email from people whom I don’t agree with (mostly they would agree with Senator Gaybo’s hypocrtical vote) I can feel Mr. Swecker’s pain, but i know that if I ever wrote an email on my boss’s account or even my state account like that, I would be fired so fast it would make my head spin…
irativ: Kinda like in MD when the retardz out west voted out House Speaker Cas Taylor and wondered why Leroy Myers wasn’t made speaker in his place…good job there…of course myers is the genius who wanted to outlaw truck nutz so it was kinda a win for wonkette there.
He’s not joking about it being a blanket e-mail, either. According to this blog, several other people have reported receiving this response. As an upright homosexual Minnesotan , I’m almost more upset about the disrespectful tone of the letter than I am about the Senator’s stance on the actual issue.
suchsweetthunder: So many pictures from Brazil there. That would be a good place to go on a gay sex rampage, though.
shanemacgowan: From what I hear, it’s very dubious that Bachmann was actually “cornered” by anybody in the loo. She seems to entertain fantasies that there are armies of lesbians roving the frozen North, just waiting to ream her ass seven days to Sunday once they get her alone. This would also explain why she was spotted hiding in the bushes during a protest by teh gayz against her loony fascistic legislation.
Also: Fargo.
Merkin: I got that response last night and after marveling at what would happen if I sent something like that out from my job, my girlfriend and I spent about 15 minutes trying to think of things that were “quirky” and “snide” at the same time.
Right now all I can think of is sending a snide letter decorated with pictures of trucknuts.
barrysislamicrepublic: Slanket!
I’ve already wasted too much time in responding to you. And apparently enjoyed every minute of it!
“Of the People, by the People, and for the People” - So… that means “the Correct People” are the citizens of rural (Jim?) Morrison and Crow (T. Robot?) Counties, those unemployed uninsured proto-hoboes, are all 100% hetero-straight as Scout leaders and mega-church ministers?
hughman: ummm, well, my gaydar went off the charts reading his letter.
populucious:
is that teh new term for ‘going postal’?
I’m confused. An OPENLY gay Republican?
Has Wonkette become a Minnesotan blog? What’s with all the Minnesotans? I thought I was representing the lake-infested state all on my own, but there are tons of you people. Should we all meet at Nye’s sometime and sneer about the bitters?
Thegreatbacon: Without Minnesota, Wonkette would lose Bachmann, Larry Craig, Jesse Ventura…and have to rely on Palin, trucknutz, and pedophilic Republicans for content. Oh wait.
And Minnesotans are like the ignored children who just want attention - good or bad. And so we come here. Also.
Thegreatbacon: I got unmarried to the love of my life at Nye’s. I will meet you there for martinis and toothless renditions of the “She’s Too Fat for Me” polka anytime.
To the People who wrote emails,
Fuck you and all your People. I represent the will of the People, not the will of the People like you who write me emails.
Capice?
PS Here’s my number. Call me.
I mean, what the fuck?
saralovesyou: To most of us down in the heart of Texas Minnesota will always be that guy from Wobekon and those real Americans.
And snow. Lots of snow.
This cat has claws!
What is her problem?
I guess the stress of having just one Senator has finally gotten to everyone up there.
I would totally let that guy s my d and then berate me for wanting to get married.
and Michelle Bachmann Trucknutz Overdrive=perfect.
Seriously, I hope this WARBLOG makes some WARCALLS.
For those saying that this guy will/should be fired — his boss is a Republican. Which means he most likely can’t read the internets his constituents send him, through the series of tubes, on his own. So this Ken Pecker has probably appointed hisself the senator’s online gatekeeper and the senator won’t ever even know that these insults and this mild abuse of power ever occurred. It’s the same way they kept McCain out of the loop and why he kept making such stupid decisions during his campaign. By his own admission, he couldn’t read his internets w/o Cindy’s help, so all the helpful messages telling him how to shore up his nose-diving campaign never reached him.
That’s not ‘Minnesota Nice’ I can believe in!
Thegreatbacon: DeLand DeLakes: Every day I am surprised by the fucked up political stuff going on in our state. It’s like a messed up Christmas every day. There has to be some sort of Wonkette gathering in the Twin Cities, I’m sure whenever it takes place there will be some new fucked up political news for us to talk about (and if we’re lucky crazy Bachmann will have made one of her embarrassing media appearances).
He had to destroy the constituent relations effort in order to save it, apparently.
Sorry, but I think that email was awesome.Ken Swecker for President of rural Minnesota.
I do love how he refers to his constituency as “the People” with a capitol “P”. It has an awesome Leninist feel too it, very appropriate given our fun and new-found socialism. All together now combrades, for the People and our glorious Soviet collective.
But seriously, what a tool. I also love his post-script: “Dear reader, I am sorry if I was a dick to you without cause, I just sent this pissy email to everyone who emailed anything remotely related to the issue to my office. I will not be apologizing in another letter because I have wasted too much of my time (despite the fact that answering the Senator’s email is exactly what I am paid to do) being a dick to you this time.”
SayItWithWookies: seriously - I’m reminded of Governor Orval Faubus, who started off a progressivist, but caved to anti-integration constituents; he called in the Arkansas National Guard to keep students out of Little Rock Central High School. I’m sure we all look back on him as a great representative of the democratic system.
No marriage equality bill = fewer weddings = fewer jobs for People in Morrison and Crow Wing Counties. How does that server their interests?
DeLand DeLakes: Oh hell to the no: saralovesyou: Here’s the group of brave Minnesotan Wonketteers. Remember these names. We must look out for each other in the Wonkette trenches. These people have your back. Remember!!!!1!
But as to actually meeting, we’d have to have an reason — like live-blogging from outside of the bathroom where we’ve trapped Michelle Bachman.
I SAID GOOD DAY!!!
Advocatus_Diaboli: WIN!
102415: seriously, lose a few pounds and shave that head and he wouldn’t be free on weekends.
There’s an openly gay Republican state senator from rural Minnesota?