I'm going where there's no depression, To a better land that's free from careDid you hear about the stock market? It’s now at a 10-year low, again, hooray! And the news just keeps getting worse, every fucking day. And maybe it just continues to get worse, every fucking day, until … who knows, 2015? And then another terrible recession-within-the-depression recession in, say, 2017? And then we are finally pulled out by the war against the Space Monsters, which kills off most of Earth’s population but does, at least, revive manufacturing. (Which is done by robots.)

Or maybe we’ll have another one of those “Long Depressions,” like America (and the world) suffered between 1873 and 1897 — a quarter century stretching from Civil War Reconstruction to Einstein’s Special Relativity thought experiments. Think how much older you’ll be in 25 years! (Dead.)

Or, maybe we’re in for a really Long Depression — think, the collapse of trade, literacy and civilization in Western Europe between the 5th Century and the 11th Century. Scurvy and porridge for most of you, crappy-looking crowns for the lucky few! (And plague, all the time.) Sarah Palin could be pope or something!

This is all, obviously, Tim Geithner’s fault. He is sketchy, isn’t he? Got those beady little nervous eyes, just like Spitzer. And Larry Summers is really “in charge” of the fiscal policy, right? Pig.

But look at it this way: While the Dow under 7,500 seems impossibly low, it only cracked 2,000 for the first time just 20 years ago, and then quickly collapsed by 20%. By 1995, the Dow had very slowly crawled up to 4,000. Are things that much different than in 1995? (Not for Larry Summers!)

So, let’s figure on about another 2,500 points down for the Dow, with similar percentage plunges on the S&P and NASDAQ, and maybe another 30%-50% down for the Euro markets, and an additional 60% drop for the Asian markets, and South America and Eastern Europe won’t even have stock markets anymore. Does that sound like a good “bottom,” for everybody? Great, let’s capitulate, completely, and begin our long journey of horror, which will end in gloomy death, at the Lake of Fire.

This Just in: The Market Is Still Dead [NYT]

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  • shanemacgowan

    10 year low? The Republican’s were right, it is all Bill Clinton’s fault!

  • Mr Blifil

    Time to buy. Boxes of condoms that is.

  • GlennBecksFelch

    we can simply enslave all the mexicans and take all the resources from canada. we’ll be fine.

  • KingofQueenAnne

    La la la…I can’t *hear* you.

  • Red Zeppelin

    Someone forgot to take his percocet today.

  • InsidiousTuna

    Condoms, weed, whiskey, and canned goods.

    And, uh, that “Street Fighter 4” videogame.

  • qwerty42

    well, once we can all use pot, we won’t care anymore. like gin but without the hangover. well, the munchies. although there won’t be anything to eat except plague-carrying rats. but what the hey. We showed that Saddam-feller, right? seems like we came out ahead t’me.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    A “good bottom” can only be a drunk Tri-Delt.

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    If we have to go back to 1995, then how will I read Wonkette all day at work? I’ll have to go back to reading Slashdot all day at work.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I’m confident that the markets won’t go into negative numbers. Um right?

  • SwamTheRiver

    Forget the market, I plan to survive by selling oranges on the off ramp. Then when the ARRA finally kicks in, I’ll be way ahead of everyone.

  • qwerty42
  • dennymcden

    All this talk of markets ‘bottoming out’ and watching the Dow go up and down is turning me on.

  • actor212

    Gee, what a shock! Corporate America didn’t get its way in the stimulus package and they picked up their bat and ball and went home!

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Though admittedly I was making more money in 1995, not even counting inflation. Hmm.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    [checks watch] someone will have the D&D reference any minute now….

  • Hamster

    Ahh Bosch, is there anything happening today that his work doesn’t illustrate perfectly? …maybe he should have painted in more chimp maulings?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Oh God, no Slashdot in 1995. Usenet, I come back to you!

  • Hooray For Anything

    And here I was thinking I’d be screwed for retirement because I had yet to play the stock market and now I’m realizing I could probably retire before anyone else did because all the spare change I’ve collected will probably be equal if not larger than what most people have.

  • 4tehlulz

    Whatever the bottom is, we’re still getting fucked in the ass.

  • ManchuCandidate

    On the other hand, over 70% of the market is owned by the Eelights and riches, you know, the shits who lobbied to create this wonderful mess of deregulation and credit bombs. The lower the market goes, the lower their own wealth goes. Sure I might be scared that I will have nothing, but it sure is bitter fun seeing a bunch of assholes get theirs.

    Of course, people are upset by their pensions and retirement savings going down the crapper, but did you really expect to retire? I figure I’ll be working (or digging ditches) till I drop dead.

  • donner_froh

    In the aftermath of the last (or most recent) depression, the Dow Jones Industrial Average didn’t get back to its 1929 level until 1954. Assuming this one has another year to collapse things might return to its 2008 numbers by 2035. But this one will be worse

    Wonkette has, by far, the best–the most realistic–economic analysis available anywhere. Ken Layne and the gang are among the few–perhaps the only–people to actually look at what is going on and call it for what it is: total, complete, unalterable economic breakdown and social chaos.

  • snideinplainsight

    Ha! I’m finally going to use my clever plan! I’m going go sell advertising space on my forehead. Nobody ever thought of that before, did they? And everybody’s got a forehead, mostly (and Geithner has like two of them) it’s just that I thought of it first! Ha!

    With the proceeds, I’ll make a giant savings bond for our kids’ university, and a trust fund for our retirement. Ha! ha! I’m rich, I’m so rich I’m doing a little richy dance, watch me dance!

    What? Can’t come off? No, I don’t know what a sharpie is… Ow, that hurts! Hey!

  • Delicious

    Booyah to you, Ken Layne!

  • chascates

    Suckers! I cashed out my 401K last March when I got laid off.

  • Delicious

    [re=245228]donner_froh[/re]: You say that to all the girls.


  • sarcasticusername

    obviously, this is what happens when you let a black guy run things; see fox news for more on this developing story.

  • kudzu

    I’ve been known for never passing on a chance to fondle a good bottom. I’ll say that much about myself.

  • qwerty42

    [re=245213]SwamTheRiver[/re]: [re=245223]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: well back in the old days, there were always the old* groups — and this was pretty much pre-spam. But geeze, no slashdot; wasn’t that pre-browser too? so all gopher?

  • TimeCubist

    Ah, scurvy and porridge! That really takes me back … good times, good times.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …is there a financial index that measures “Bank Robberies” and “Home Invasions”? Because that market must be soaring right now!

  • sati demise

    Dow 7200.
    from the same guy who advised me to cash out of stocks in Oct 2007.
    muchas, muchas gracias.

    Changing from the oil economy to the renewable energy economy is going to be painful.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=245220]Tommy Says Soooo[/re]:
    America must roll 12-sided die to check for market success.

    America rolls… a 1. Critical failure!

    America stumbles and manages to cut of it’s own head with it’s +2 vorpal frost blade.

    Game over.

  • twowheeljunkie

    [re=245231]chascates[/re]: Loser. In June I moved all funds in my 401k to the stable fund. And I still have my job.
    At least for today

  • One Yield Regular

    The other day (true story!) a San Francisco police officer advised the neighborhood watch group never to put any Chinese New Year decorations on the front of your dwelling, as thieves might assume that you’re Chinese and by extension have gobs of cash stuffed under your mattress, since, according to this stereotype, Chinese “don’t trust banks.”

    I’ve just finished plastering the INTERIOR of my apartment with Chinese New Year decorations.

  • WadISay

    Oh. This explains the procession of flagellants outside my building.

  • groove

    ’95, huh? I’m going to have to polish my Legend of the Red Dragon skills. Also Trade Wars.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=245228]donner_froh[/re]: Well, you could be right, but everytime the markets get into a slump, a million guys like yourself always holler out, “THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE BIG ONE!! DOOOOOOMSDAAAAYYYY!!!!11!!!.”

    [/rolls eyes] [/has most of his money in cash at the time]

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I already know how I’m gonna make money in the upcoming hobo apocalypse! Im going to sell ponchos and popcorn on the sidewalk, when the the CEO’s/stock brokers start jumping out the windows of their corner offices! Im going to make a fortune!!!

  • Sarah Palin (

    Pope of REAL AMERICA!! ALSO!

    BTW: Don’t ANYONE listen to ANYTHING my slut daughter says EVAR!



  • Guppy06

    [re=245223]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Downloading Doom II off a local BBS.

  • Hooray For Anything

    We’re all serfs now

  • takes12no1

    hey maybe there’s a silver lining…a recent headline:

    Stimulus: Now for the hard part

  • J05H

    [re=245211]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: sorry Bunny, that’d be USENET for you – Slashdot started in ’97 even if it seems like forever ago. I know, I have the “10 year anniversary” tshirt to prove it. (hangs head in shame)

  • HuddledMass

    [re=245223]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Usenet! We are the olds…

  • El Pinche

    Is the world burning?! Who cares! Librul geeks fight over Geithner!!

    David Sirota versus Nate Silver

    My man Nate always wins, though.

  • Come here a minute

    Does that sound like a good “bottom,” for everybody?

    Good bottom, good bottom,
    Talk about mud flaps, my girl’s got em.
    Good bottom drive me out of my mind
    How could I leave this behind?

  • Kev-O-Tron

    I’m doing my part to further this neu-Communist movement by filing for unemployment today.

    Say, what happens if this the DOW goes all the way down to zero? Does a giant ball drop and then we all drink Champagne and make out? There’s nothing sexier than smelly hobos doing each other.

  • you cannot be serious

    It’s the Clenis’ fault. He always liked a big bottom.

  • Servo

    Roughly ten years ago I asked my friend’s wife if she was prepared to live without electricity. This was answered with a gaze suitable for, say, the Unabomber or Mr. Manson. She always assumed I was going to live in a tipi on a homestead.

  • WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot

    [re=245287]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Well, I think that Champagne will have to be Korbel, since we’ll all have to be drinking it from our shoes.

  • TGY

    Uh..since when is ‘Dow down 229’ collapsing? That’s pretty much normal these days. DJI was at 7616 before 3 PM. See here. “Prosperity is just around the corner,” saith H. Hoover.

  • chascates

    [re=245287]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Most of my friends are people I’ve worked with so many of them are unemployed now too. But a good thing is the number of times I’m invited over to eat at working peoples’ houses and sent home with leftovers. Just beware of how much weight you can gain.
    Once I finally wake up around noon or so I fix a bunch of breakfast tacos: 3 eggs, 1/3 lb. of sausage, 1/4 cup of cheese, 1 small potato and a half dozen tortillas. A few hours later I’ll feel like taking a little nourishment and make a huge baked potato with everything. It’s cheaper to cook a lot of food at once but instead of making 6 meals out of a brisket I end up eating almost half of it and doing the same thing hours later.
    But it sure is an easy way to feel good. As long as the food holds out.

  • AfghanVet

    Measuring our economy by the stock market composite indexes is like measuring ones wealth by the number of chips on the poker table. If you measure based on gambling performance you are going to have swings that really have nothing to do with long-term performance of sustainability.

    Politicians cherry-picked and changed measurements of economic performance to meet their needs and their needs were to show progress based on their policies. I think if we were to go back and look at true measures of performance we would see that this has all been a sham.

    They built a house of cards and it has come tumbling down. The end.

  • President Beeblebrox

    A while back a bunch of Freeptards got all exercised about that Dow 40,000 book…

    “It’s all about confidence and the power of positive thinking. That’s what I so despise about Dems and EnvironMentalists! They drag all of society and it’s economic potential down with Commonistic GovernMental parasitism!!! (to say nothing of analysis paralysis)”

    As I eat my can of cold hobo beans for dinner, I’ll try to remember that since Freepers are the elite thinkers of our time, they’re right that market rallies are all about acting like Amway salesmen and staying away from Dems.

  • PerhapsSo

    If she becomes pope, I am going the way of the Puritans and calling the pope the Whore of Babylon or the Antichrist.

  • proudgrampa

    [re=245260]Guppy06[/re]: WIN!

  • Servo

    That’s Corporate America’s ‘trickle-down’ economic philosophy that emphasizes that everything is built starting from the top.

  • Kingbee

    [re=245208]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Print your screen shots now — when the electricity fails, that’s all you’ll have of that Street Fighter 4 game.

  • Kingbee

    When will we get to the “All Barter for Sex” economy?

  • donner_froh

    [re=245328]AfghanVet[/re]: Politicians cherry-picked and changed measurements of economic performance to meet their needs and their needs were to show progress based on their policies

    Very true. Every administration since LBJ has slanted inflation and unemployment figures by simply change how they account for price increases or how they define unemployed. The inflation measure is the most obvious and ridiculous–the “core rate” is defined without taking the prices of food and fuel into account, since the are too volatile. WTF? Lets talk about inflation without talking about what eveyone uses every day. That makes sense.

  • hobospacejungle

    I’ll leave this world of toil and trouble
    My home’s in heaven
    I’m going there

  • xeonwonder

    I’m terribly excited. 1995 was the best year of my life. College, Kindz, M-dotz, my first 14.4 baud modem, Magic the Gathering, Phish tour and moon climbing at redrocks. I am already planning my next career move, “fatty veggie burritooooos!!!!”

  • slavojzizek

    The plague happened in the late 1300s, because the world economy (especially China) was booming, so some rats came on ships from China. So as long as the economy stagnates, we should be safe from plague. Hooray!

  • Ken Layne

    [re=245266]J05H[/re]: 1995: HotWired! And before that, BuzzNet! (I wrote for Buzznet, once.) Put that in your Winsock.

  • Hound

    Interesting fact: hobo beans make a great lube.

  • loislane1939

    Dr. Doom does not find these shenanigans amusing. He will get Richards in the end!

    There is seriously an economic called Dr. Doom?

    “The idea that you can pick stocks and beat the market is sort of silly no matter what kind of market you are working into,” he said.”

    Someone actually said that in a newspaper and wasn’t immediately killed?

  • sarahconnor

    [re=245228]donner_froh[/re]: Any chance you are related to the Donner Party?

  • Bearbloke

    “Holy crap! I need a drink… bartender, gimme a McNuggetini – make it a double!”…

  • Thegreatbacon

    My collection of buttons (two drawers of the things) is going to make me a general when the economy collapses and the number of buttons you have sown on your jacket shows your ranking in the New Society (TM). If not, I’ll just be the guy with a lot of buttons, and that’s kind of sad.

  • bitchincamaro

    Personally, I rather look forward to returning the stock market to it’s origins and we can all trade cows to each other.

  • Mr Blifil

    We need to reinstitute slavery if we are going to make a dent in this thing. I nominate the Uruguayans.

  • chascates

    [re=245436]Ken Layne[/re]: Using WordStar? Or just coding HTML?

  • windupbird

    Perhaps Kevin Phillips wasn’t too far off when he compared our current dire straits to post-war Great Britain. Being a vegetarian will suck when it comes to food rations.

  • Come here a minute

    At least we can be relieved that this couldn’t possibly be as bad as the Y2K, when all world economic activity ceased, forever.

  • ja

    [re=245307]WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot[/re]: walnuts, your making drinking Korbel out of a boot sound like a bad thing. its totally frugal eco-chic.

  • ladymacbeth

    i prefer mt. doom to lake of fire.

    there is hope in mt. doom.

  • PAbitter

    [re=245669]Come here a minute[/re]: Goddamit, I wish I hadn’t dismantled my Y2k bunker.

  • bleechers

    Hooray is right! I’m sick of all those rich people getting richer on the stock market. I got so tired of all those friggin’ corporations making obscene profits. Wal-Mart is finally closing some stores! That crappy McDonald’s keeps making money, though. We need to get them next! They’re trying to build another one just down the street. We’re gonna do what we can to keep them and their slave jobs out of this neighborhood.

  • HussienOhBummer

    I’ll drag the market below 6000 before I’m done. Good luck in your retirement – B.O.

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