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Crazy old coot.For many years, our former vice president used his Wiccan mind-control powers on George W. Bush to make him enter wars and such. But at some point in the latter part of his presidency, Bush decided that he was “his own man,” which meant banishing Cheney to his Naval Observatory abbatoir, where the lonely hunchback danced around in suits of human skin and sang mournful ballads to Scooter Libby.

Libby, of course, was the FALL GUY for everything bad about the run-up to the War, and he had to go to prison for perjury because who else was going to do it, Dick Cheney? But then Libby got a lucky break, which was the president commuting his sentence, for laughs.

Most people would be very happy to not have to spend 30 months in prison, but Dick Cheney was very wrathful and furious on the part of his friend, who did not get a full pardon and a free Surf ‘n’ Turf special at Red Lobster. So Cheney lobbied George W. Bush pretty goddamn hard in the waning days of his presidency, all leaping out of shadowy nooks and saying Boo and hey when are you going to pardon Scooter? whenever Bush took a potty break.

Bush got so exasperated he finally told his aides that This Conversation Was Over, but Cheney kept bugging him about it, to no effect. George Bush exited the presidency having not pardoned Scooter Libby, the famous bear-rape diarist who cannot vote or practice law anymore because he is a felon, and now Dick Cheney just stews furiously in his lair and shouts curses up at the empty purple sky.

THE END.

Ex-VP Dick Cheney outraged President Bush didn’t grant ‘Scooter’ Libby full pardon [New York Daily News]

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44 COMMENTS

  1. So Cheney lobbying for Libby’s pardon up until the last possible minute struck Bush aides as “over the top,” but pinning 9/11 on Saddam Hussein, sending eleventy-trillion dollars to the mideast, and the slaughter of tens if not hundreds of thousands of soldiers and civilians didn’t seem out of the ordinary in the least. Interesting.

  2. Pardoning Scooter Libby would have been wrong, and it’s just not in Bush’s nature to do anything wrong. That’s why, when he was asked way back what mistakes he’d made, he couldn’t think of anything. He never does anything wrong, so how could he make a mistake?

  3. Cheney obviously forgot that the Bush family operates on the philosophy that when you are no longer of any use to them, you essentially become a non-person.

    Can you imagine what a vial of Dick Cheney’s tears of rage would sell for on E-Bay?

  4. [re=244932]hockeymom[/re]: Pardons can be good things, but I don’t feel as bad about those who didn’t get the pardons they deserved as I feel glad about those who didn’t get the pardons they didn’t deserve. Ahh, my old friend schadenfreude!

  5. “Ten days before leaving office, Bush hailed Cheney as “a fabulous vice president.” ”

    Typically, this put President Bush firmily in line with the beliefs of approximately six percent of the population.

  6. I think it was a savvy move on W’s part. There was nothing to be gained from it and a high probability of it making him look bad to the 30% who still had a positive opinion of him. I do respect the fact that he didn’t cave on this issue.

  7. Dick-licker Cheney’s tears of rage add an extra skip to my step in the morning. Once he was all-powerful, tearing the constitution to shreds in the service of his corporate masters. Now he’s just a warped, frustrated old man, lying out of the side of his strokey little mouth.

    The best outcome for everyone would be for Cheney to succumb to that disease where your brain works but the rest of your body doesn’t, so he’d be trapped inside, unable to communicate except through tears, like that Diving Bell & Butterfly dude. Then we could all line up to poke him with a stick and laugh.

    “Who’s all-powerful now, Vice-President Piss & Shit Machine? Huh? Huh? You aren’t. That’s who.”

    And I’d do my best to make sure his diaper is only changed once a week.

  8. It’s starting to become a little too obvious that “Libby” is code for “Cheney” in his now weekly rants about the injustice of it all, what with that report about the incompetence of his torture-justifying lawyer cabal falling into the new Attorney General’s lap this week.

  9. Soon, though, Cheney will learn to channel his impotent rage and start wearing a tux and top hat, carrying an umbrella, and raining destruction on Gotham City.

  10. I[re=244970]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Yes. Dick was begging, on hands and knees, and failed to realize that the weight of his pendulous fat gut — about the size of Nadya Suleman’s, from what I can tell in photos — caused 3 or 4 of his vertebral discs to just sigh and give the fuck up.

    Either that, or he was indulging in a little Cheney-style destressing R&R and forgot his Safe Word …

  11. The thing is, here’s the thing. Cheney needs a test case, a canary on the Cunard, as it were. He fears that if he ever goes abroad, ever again, he will be seized by the good people of the world, (who all live somewhere other than “America”, as he loves to call it) and then, what? Severely hissed at while dining at an alfesco cafe in Brussels? Covered in Gulden’s Spicy Mustard and fed to a bear? He has no idea, because he can’t think like “good people”, and whenever he tortures them, they spout nonsense about terrorist plots or merciful death, whatever. So if he could trick someone else to go somewhere good first, say, someone else who was similarly reviled the world over, he could see what happens to them, and make his own vacation plans accordingly. Libby is the widdle sacwificial wamb in this Cheney plot. He’s not going to serve up Addington or Yu, someone who really makes hay.

    Cheney’s not a nit-wit like W, who truly thinks that clearing brush in the hot Texas sun is a fun way to go. (My daughter likes to use the vaccuum cleaner too, but we don’t let her make a vacation out of it.) Cheney’s not going to hang around in a ten-gallon hat in Wyoming forever, never again tasting Wensleydale cheese or hand-made Bologna.

  12. Libby is Addington’s Cheney.
    Addington is Cheney’s Yoo.
    Yoo is Addington’s Libby.

    The preceding sentence is true.
    The following sentence is false.

  13. “which meant banishing Cheney to his Naval Observatory abbatoir, where the lonely hunchback danced around in suits of human skin and sang mournful ballads to Scooter Libby.”

    It’s descriptions like this, Sara, that will always bring me back to wonkette.

    Sorry, Jim. Sara is now my official Wonkette Writer-Crush.

  14. “which meant banishing Cheney to his Naval Observatory abbatoir, where the lonely hunchback danced around in suits of human skin and sang mournful ballads to Scooter Libby.”

    Now, why can’t I write shit like this?

  15. [re=245002]Gopherit[/re]: I agree that was beautiful. Though a nitpick — sp on “abattoir.” Sorry.

    And really, why the hell did Dubya pick that occasion to suddenly grow a conscience? Before reading that article I would’ve guessed, using a corollary of Occam’s Razor, that anything slightly intelligent that Dubya did was probably just the result of an incompetent attempt to do something abominable. But no, he actually stood up to the Evil One this time. I’m just going to say that the football of injustice takes funny bounces and leave it at that.

  16. People say America has fallen behind in technological innovation, and to them I say, Poppycock! Is there a European or Asian country that can match our advances in cyborg technology? Without good ol’ American know-how, Dick Cheney would have been a festering corpse ten years ago, instead of the vibrant deathbot he is today.

  17. [re=245090]mjwilstein[/re]: Rove is going to have to spend the rest of his life denying the eight years of Bush/Cheney. Kind of like riding on the back of a tiger.

  18. Bush not pardoning Libby is just a reflex developed during all those years signing execution orders in Texas. He just *can’t* do the other thing, you know?

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