Wrathful Dick Cheney Still Furious That Libby Wasn't Pardoned

For many years, our former vice president used his Wiccan mind-control powers on George W. Bush to make him enter wars and such. But at some point in the latter part of his presidency, Bush decided that he was "his own man," which meant banishing Cheney to his Naval Observatory abbatoir, where the lonely hunchback danced around in suits of human skin and sang mournful ballads to Scooter Libby.

Libby, of course, was the FALL GUY for everything bad about the run-up to the War, and he had to go to prison for perjury because who else was going to do it, Dick Cheney? But then Libby got a lucky break, which was the president commuting his sentence, for laughs.

Most people would be very happy to not have to spend 30 months in prison, but Dick Cheney was very wrathful and furious on the part of his friend, who did not get a full pardon and a free Surf 'n' Turf special at Red Lobster. So Cheney lobbied George W. Bush pretty goddamn hard in the waning days of his presidency, all leaping out of shadowy nooks and sayingBoo and hey when are you going to pardon Scooter?whenever Bush took a potty break.

Bush got so exasperated he finally told his aides that This Conversation Was Over, but Cheney kept bugging him about it, to no effect. George Bush exited the presidency having not pardoned Scooter Libby, the famous bear-rape diarist who cannot vote or practice law anymore because he is a felon, and now Dick Cheney just stews furiously in his lair and shouts curses up at the empty purple sky.

THE END.

 Ex-VP Dick Cheney outraged President Bush didn't grant 'Scooter' Libby full pardon [New York Daily News]