Wonkette
Congratulations, Libruls, you’ve passed your darling stimulus package, with all its concessions to ACORN and rat propagation and school construction. But do you know who is happiest today, their first day back to “work” after the passage of the Stimulus Bill? Your very own congressional staffers, that’s who.
Yes, it may seem counterintuitive, but the more constituents bitch, the less their paid congressional hobbits work! The actual cost-benefit analysis of such realities is tricky, as some would argue that the less government works, the less costly it is to kill the ultimate problem (being the government, of course). Ideology, in practice, just means that even the notion of a large-vs.-small-government bill floating through Congress grinds productivity in your Capitol to a halt.
Fun Fact: Most everyone on the Hill has long since internalized the speed with which constituents complaining about “where’s MY stimulus” package goes from Bad Pun to Psychotically Annoying. So hey, no need to tell THAT joke anymore!
Q: So what’s the best way to communicate my displeasure with the current stimulus pamphlet to my elected representative?
A: Just send them a form email. Really, the more of those they get, the easier it is to distill wide-ranging opinions into simple pro-con groups. It seems so impersonal, but remember that there’s more than one person with access to ALL CAPS Internet Technologies. Individualized theories about the marginal utility of a $2,500 home purchase tax credit, no matter how well-meaning, are just not given that much heed.
Elizabeth Askew is an actual intern somewhere on Capitol Hill, shhhhh.
These sentences make diction cry:
“The actual cost-benefit analysis of such realities is tricky, as some would argue that the less government works, the less costly it is to kill the ultimate problem (being the government, of course). Ideology, in practice, just means that even the notion of a large-vs.-small-government bill floating through Congress grinds productivity in your Capitol to a halt.”
Isn’t the best way to communicate with your favorite politician simply to show up to the Capitol building with a “gift rifle” in a bag and just ask to see him?
I feel your pain- When I interned on the Hill MoveOn decided to accost my rep’s office despite the fact that he was / is a liberal democrat who was going to vote for what they wanted and had already said so in public. Hundreds of phone calls which we eventually stopped answering went strait to voicemail and productivity on other more pressing matters (double checking physical mail for anthrax / finding receptions with free food / booze) came to a standstill
V572625694: tried to diagram those sentenes. My pencil exploded.
SEND ME MY MONEEZ IN WHORE DIAMONDS
Why not just go for 3rd grade-style going steady notes?
Do you like me? Check one: ___ Yes ___ No
The only communication a congressperson pays attention to includes large sums of money which I don’t have. So I’ll just send an envelope full of fine, white powder.
do you actually have to pay taxes to get a stimulus check?
I have found that the best way to get my Congressman’s attention is to photoshop Donna Rice on his lap.
WadISay: I’ve found Jeff Stryker to be more effective - but, again, I had Heather Wilson, who was terrified to be seen with a man that wasn’t molesting her kids.
You can influence them by taking a wide stance in the bathroom also, probably. Also.
Ackshually, the $30 is for wetlands restoration, in the wetlands where the mouse lives and gets wet. LINK. Then again, I suppose we could just squirt him with a garden hose.
Cute shmousey.
I’m sorry, I was drunk for most of this weekend. What is this saying?
I got lost in your cost-benefit analysis, but then I’m only a gigolo. Is ‘benefit’ somehow proportional to how many congressional tricks one turns? That I can understand.
I’m not a legislative aide, but the only time I seem to get results is when I takez my angerz straight to the intertubes.
– Find a discreet issue where a representative is taking tons of money to argue an indefensible position. (About two minutes.)
– Post a comment near the top of a semi-related recommended diary at the Giant Orange Satan (or a full diary if you’re really ambitious)calling out representative for above behavior. (About three minutes, including sidetrack for pron.)
– Mention the magic words: “primary challenger.” (About thirty seconds.)
– Watch representative fold and bask in your new-found power. (Fifteen seconds to three hours, depending on how much beer is involved.)
– Rinse, repeat.
All you have to do is say “Do I really have to cc AIPAC on this, mofo?”
Cape Clod: I know. Big wurds hurt my head.
shanemacgowan: Actually those sentences are completely proper and diagrammable, if a little meandering. Though I’d warrant that was done for effect.
Also, I wrote both of Virginia’s senators about the stimulus bill, and received a very nice and detailed reply from Senator Warner. Nothing from Webb, for some reason. Also, is Elizabeth related to former Florida governor Reubin Askew?
Rat! *points*
I would write to our senators, but I’m afraid the legislature has already allocated all our stimulus money for pig shit and mailing costs for fraudulent Obama birth certificates.
Fun Fact: Most everyone on the Hill has long since internalized the speed with which constituents complaining about “where’s MY stimulus” package goes from Bad Pun to Psychotically Annoying. So hey, no need to tell THAT joke anymore!
I think you misplaced the quotation marks. Shouldn’t it be “where’s MY stimulus package”? I mean, how can you ignore the added humor value of the word “package”?
Rather than send my form emails directly to my Senator or Congressman, I prefer to just add my name to the bottom of the list and forward the message to ten friends. That way I’m getting a political voice AND a gift certificate to Cracker Barrel!
Please FAX all congressional correspondence to the office of Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska. His staff will happily forward all messages to the proper senator or representative.
Is Liz A. going to be the next Washington Ann? Place ya bets!
Having worked at a foundation, I know how grad school prose can hide any truth or lack thereof. It’s the literary equivalent of defensive driving. It came from a person named “Askew” — coincidence?
Congress :: responsible spending
Elizabeth Askew :: syntax
Holden Caulfield: Surely you meant Where’s my stimulus “package?”
SayItWithWookies: are you a dork face?