Wonkette
Last year the Republican National Committee redefined humor forever with their amazing Valentine’s Day cards. These cards showcased Democratic sexpots Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton imploring voters to have sex with them, constantly, and also raise taxes. This year, they have taken things one step further and devolved into full-on pornography. Come and look! Look and come!
This would be funny if it were, say, Dick Cheney or Mitt Romney or one of the myriad other douchebags who professed to love Guantanamo so much. But here it just doesn’t make sense. Fail, Republican comedy wizards!
Better. This one works because it suggests that you, the reader, are an insane Iranian charlatan, or perhaps a megalomaniacal North Korean dwarf. Either way: hott.
Maybe it’s just that it’s lunchtime, but that actually sounds pretty good.
Clearly, all of these cards share a common trait: they walk right up to the line between sweet romantic overtures and complete debased filth, and then they leave a Cleveland Steamer right on that line. Bravo, RNC, you naughty minxes.
“Want to meet without preconditions?”
Wow, that’s VERBATIM the question I throw out on my ‘casual encounters’ craigslist postings.
I’m assuming the Valentines the RNC types send to jailbait, er, kids is more vomit inducing and more than likely criminal.
Oh RNC! You so funny!
Just what I needed… Another reason to hate the RNC and Valentine’s Day. Two worthless things that couldn’t deserve each other more.
I don’t think spineless kid-fuckers should be pointing fingers. All I’m saying.
I think it is now clear…if it wasn’t before; the GOP is not to be reconciled with. It’s time to work to get some things done and just let them die on the vine. They are un-funny, faith-based, imperialist and greedy know-nothings who are going to “stand on principal” until the end. Of course this is the best news the Dems could possibly have as their principals are what got all the Dems elected in the first place.
Time to move on.
Based on Reid’s look on the last card, are we sure he isn’t a Muslin? He looks quite embarassed to be passing out chocolate pork. Hey, is this like that nice Messican dish mole’? Mmmmmm tasty
Yaybuls: Win.
Maybe it’s just because it’s lunchtime, but I’m having trouble eating after reading “Cleveland steamer.”
Also, I’ve been to Cleveland a number of times and I’ve never had one. I think I’m doing something wrong.
Fuh-neee. More evidence that repugs have no sense of humor. See: State of the Union and Mallard Fillmore.
the cabinet appointee issues only point to the fact that all rich people avoid paying taxes and hire illegal immigrants to do their dirty work. While the rest of us pay the bill. Also.
Ahhh..Republicans…so childish, so vicious, so unfunny.
Had a whore clean your diaper (not to mention your perineum) for you lately? Happy Vittertine’s Day!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/12/world/middleeast/12dubai.html?em=&pagewanted=all
That’s not punctuation we can believe it!
Whoever sends me one of these for Valentine’s Day is so getting tongue. However it should be noted that would obtain if the prerequistite were, say, inquiring of me the time of day.
http://www.gopvalentine.com/images/vec_obama4.jpg
That’s not punctuation we can believe in!
Valentine’s for everyone ftw!
If Republicans hate taxes so much, then why do they get all pissy when people elect not to pay them?
I had to Google “Cleveland Steamer” just to be sure, and I discovered “Cleveland Steamer with Reverse Teabag.”
Thanks, Wonkette.
Republicans: humor :: psychopaths: morality.
Tagged: A ROMANTIC MESSAGE FROM YOUR REPUBLICAN LOVER
What? I’m not an 8 year old boy!
Also: This is about what I would expect from The Political Party With An Ideology So Completely Destroyed That It Cannot Be Detected With An Electron Microscope: Total Comedy Failure. Also.
You know if the GOP could attract gays and jews their ads might actually become funny. But right now they’re one step above Hee-Haw.
Guantanamo’s closing has been pushed back by 6 months - but everybody gets a rusty trombone!
irativ: The first link you posted was interesting, if a bit puzzling. Dubai in the dumper — everything has a good side too!
I think these are funny. What’s even funnier is that every male Republican in Washington is giving special Valentine’s head to their fave male prostitute this weekend. As they say, Bottoms Up!
Reaching across the aisle to a Republican means throwing their own feces.
The way the RNC box is positioned on the “pork” card makes it look like Harry Reid is standing behind a sign that says “Ted Stevens”.
RNC: “We know in our hearts that we are funny!”
Sigh. Maybe there’s an introductory course they can take somewhere. Maybe some kind of therapy? How do you do all these cards and not even be funny by accident, not even once?
Hire a fucking graphic designer already, Repubtards!
Scarab: SALUTE! (Nazi style)
At least they’ve learned that “Barack the Magic Negro” isn’t kosher so they’re showing some signs of getting a clue.
Scarab: Before long they’ll be ending speeches by saying “your mom” or “Not!”
All you people jonezing for a Cleveland Steamer oughtta consider getting your loved one (or better yet, someone fun) a Buffalo Wishbone for Valentine’s Day. He/she will take to it with a great deal of lubency and reward you with some firm busculation - that’s all I’m saying.
Only one Blago and no Rahm? FAIL!
StrangelyBrown: Because ALL their actions have now devolved into positioning and leveraging, not action based on ideas. They see failure as just another step in the survival of the fittest, which is of course ironical since they publicly doubt Darwin. For more than 30 years the Dems have not responded effectively to these kinds of smears and propaganda, for that is what it is. Preznit O has not tended to put these down, choosing to take the high road: i.e. making a speech based on principle. But the “high road- low road” binary by now has utterly evaporated. Rove & Rush rule their thinking. For all we know he gave J.Gregg their playbook in good faith. Sorry no funnzies or snark, just sad that greed rules the day. That sound you hear is Rockefeller Repubs tiring from spinning in their graves. They actually cared things got better for everyone. Barry will likely have to holster up and ask Rahm to put on his diamond knuckles…one hopes.
ManchuCandidate: The text is similar but they use pictures of Dora the Explorer.
randomsausage: MSPaint FTMFW!
What’s supposed to be funny here? I would totally meet Barack without preconditions!
I can just picture the lackeys who put these together snickering like weasels over their own cleverness.
PsycGirl: I think Diego would be a better choice of bait for the obvious reasons.
Well, if there’s any group that shown recent expertise in chocolate-covered pork, it’d be the Republicans.
PsycGirl: Dora’s Mom is hott!
StrangelyBrown: WIN:
It isn’t that the nominees aren’t paying taxes, they are just taking the Republican tax cuts EARLY. Yea! Me too. Also.
11 pounds down, and you had to mention mole sauce.
The RNC are a bucha of corny ass crackas! Did they make this shit with crayons?
Crapola: Dora is a gateway character, see?
But once the Repubs figure out that there is a juvenile character on Barney named “B.J.”, Dora and Diego will be cast aside.
The only funny thing about these is the “Paid for my the Republican National Committee,” which seems to suggest that they paid someone to open up photoshop for the first time and horribly mangle some graphics. If they paid more than twenty dollars Canadian for the work, the IRS should audit them because they are obviously running some money-laundering scheme under the guise of “marketing” or “graphic design.”
i’ve never heard of the “cabinet” position. sounds romantic, in a repub’ kinda way.
who isn’t dying to meet hopey without preconditions? if barry was willing to whore himself out(more literally than he already has) to the nation’s women and gays we’d have this whole economy thing fixed yesterday; taking that for the team would be one hell of a way for michelle to prove that she loves america.
nosnikreplliw: I’d say it involves restraints that you don’t anticipate when agreeing to it.
Being a bitter, angry loser is no excuse not to have a sense of humor.
I mean, I hate everyone and I play World of Warcraft, but I can still bumble my way into a semi-joke from time to time.
Like, look.. wait, watch. Hold on, watch.
“I’m thinking of becoming a door-to-door Agnostic. I’ll ring the bell and when someone answers, I’ll say ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I’m here.’”
Right? So… I mean, come on RNC. This kind of lazy pussy stuff is why everyone thinks you’re a bunch of lazy pussies.
I actually thought the preconditions one was kinda funny, because it was subtle.
Unlike, y’know, everything else they do.
Now we know who made “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” a financial success.
So cute, learning how to use the internets and getting with the snark. It reminds me of visiting my in-laws in Florida and showing them how to use skype!
Republicans are just too decent and moral for a hedonist sin-fest like Valentine’s Day. That’s a Democratic holiday.
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
Delicious: I’m not going to google “Cleveland Steamer” because its more fun to try to imagine what an unspeakably filthy act it is than to actually know.
Or conversely, it could be even worse, and scald me for life, like when I googled ‘goastse’. I’ve been a lot less curious since then.
(Fair warning: Do not google goatse. I still have no idea what it was I saw, but it made 2girls1cup look like a cute kid’s game by comparison.)
Double Scorpion:
Hey I’m just saying if the GOP had hired Bruce Vilanch we’d all be complaining about President McCain right now.
I hate these people, but I could think of better cards than this. (Example: a dog saying, “When Obama ‘vetted’ me, all I got was my balls cut off.”)
wickedlittledoll:
Republicans, decent and moral…about as commonly used in one sentence as mayonaise, flammable and shoes.
It’s old but it works here…
Republicans think morals are paintings on walls and scruples are money in Russia.
I remember a certain GOP presidential candidate who met with Pinochet without preconditions.
Mr Blifil: Perineum is right, since it’s the GOP. If it’s a Democratic governor, however, it’s TAINT!!!!! AND IT WON’T COME OFF OF ANYTHING1!11!!!
Why is the RNC making a racist joke about Ukrainians in the last one?
Here’s a better one for you, RNC, and I’ll give it to you free of charge:
A picture of Obama smoking with a big heart around him, and he’s saying: “You should have a cigarette, too. You’ve just been screwed.”
Atheist Nun: I got one for you —-
—A ROMANTIC MESSAGE FROM YOUR DEMOCRAP LOVER –
“I’m a pro-life constituent …. but don’t try to deny my rights to abortion” !!!
irativ: Intellectual violence and apostrophe abuse on a Valentine, even? No I have to go poop on someone’s doorstep.
How about “I’ll have My Staff get in touch with you”.
nosnikreplliw: i’ve never heard of the “cabinet” position. sounds romantic, in a repub’ kinda way.
It’s like the missionary position, only you’re in the closet the whole time.
I bought my husband a bacon chocolate bar for Valentine’s Day - does that make me Harry Reid?
Dimocraps can’t get their yayas without the aid of a stimulus package, while REAL American Males Conservatives get theirs just by pruriently peeking under partitions in public pottys. Nobody should need a governmental helping hand-out, when they might get lucky inside any transportation terminal’s toilet in The U.S.ofA. Just run OleGlory up the flagpole, and see who salutes.
ugh - the most offensive thing about these valentines is the awful design and font choice
Those GOP fuckers are just jealous that Lord Handsome Barry hasn’t sent them any real Valentines. Their unrequited love has turned to bitterness and bile. It’s not Barry’s fault that they are ugly and that he doesn’t find them attractive. GOP twats.
Gregg said the other day he’ll be “carrying Obama’s water” in the Senate, which was a much funnier Valentine than the RNC managed to come up with.
Goatse was the original rickroll.
Delicious: “I had to Google “Cleveland Steamer” just to be sure, and I discovered “Cleveland Steamer with Reverse Teabag.”
I don’t understand either of these things but, at my age, I doubt I need to.
I’m too busy hating John Boner. I’ve coached the family and now they all say “Boner” then say, “I mean, Baner.” This is a good way to discuss politics with Republicans.
BTW–Based on the teevee at this moment, Pat Buchanan sucks.
Republicans… Eddie Haskells all of ‘em.
Except for Bush — what a Lumpy Rutherford.
Michael Steele is a naughty minx!!!
Ha-ha-ha, those republicans are so funny and cleaver, Now EVERYone will want to join their party!! They sure know how to win friends and influence people. Hahaha.
TexasCowGirl: HEY UGLY BETTY … I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FIND THAT RETARD HANDSOME…. OH I’M SORRY AT THE DISTANCE YOU LOOK HOT ….. I THINK I REST MY CASE !!!!
Here are some Mark Foley specials to his Underage Page that the RNC didn’t have made into cards for some reason. I can’t think why; they are tender and loving and beautiful.
“good so your getting horny”
“did you spank it this weekend yourself”
“where do you unload it”
“well I have aa totally stiff wood now”
In conclusion, Republicans, eat Valentine’s shit, and consider changing your party logo to a Rusty Trombone rampant beneath a restraining order couchant.