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By the Comics Curmudgeon
The economy’s in the crapper! Tim Geithner cannot and will not save us! The stimulus is not stimulating enough, or is too stimulating, or something! Judd Gregg and Barack Obama are getting a divorce! It is absolutely true that everything in the world is worse than it ever has been before at any time in history, or ever will be again. Can we find solace in funny cartoons? Sadly, we cannot, because they are also bad. Come, let us endure the unendurable, together.

Click on the terrible cartoons to make them easier to see, if for some reason you want to.

Look, I admit it: I make a lot of cheap jokes about furries in this column. It’s hard to avoid, because so many political cartoons involve allegorical anthropomorphized animals in “hilarious” and vaguely sexual situations. However, the lovable human-animal perverts are generally depicted, as is the rule for most furry art, as being magical creatures that somehow combine the best (and hotttest) elements of man and beast. Isn’t that the whole point of art — to serve as an escape from dull, quotidian reality?

Thus, I was profoundly unsettled by this cartoon, in which Rush Limbaugh is depicted not as some sort of whimsical part-elephant creature, but as his literal, human self, only half-wearing an actual elephant fursuit — presumably one that that emits an overpowering aroma of stale cigars and perspiration. This is sad and disturbing because it’s like coming backstage at Sesame Street and seeing that your favorite characters are just inanimate fabric operated technicians, with the added non-bonus of it being fucking Rush Limbaugh in a fucking elephant fursuit. As a result, I hereby swear to keep away from furry jokes forever, or at least until a really good opportunity presents itself.

Say, here is a terrible joke about the stimulus! Uncle Sam is depicted as wrinkled, wizened old man, who, we are led to believe, is unable to achieve or maintain an erection. He’s looking at a pill bottle labeled “Stimulus,” and thinking “Starts to work in 2 years?” The punchline is “If the government made Viagra.” GET IT? This is in marked contrast to the Viagra-for-anthropomorphized-national-symbols that private industry makes, which causes an immediate, intense erection that leads you to try to copulate with everything in sight for the next four hours, at the end of which you die of a massive heart attack.

These terrible bankers/boner pills salesmen are of course actual, literal terrorists, who would like nothing better than to blow us all to bits with classic, old-school dynamite. Even more unsettling is the obscene wattle jiggling repulsively around our terror-banker’s neck. Presumably this is the sort of feature your body begins to develop when you cash your bonus check (the one you get for screwing up everything forever) and can eat sandwiches made entirely out of the delicate fat from baby ducks for three meals a day, every day.

The monstrous murdering terror-bankers knew that they would have to find someone — or something — to distract from their iniquity. That’s why they gathered in their blood-stained ritual chamber hundreds of feet beneath the New York Stock Exchange to chant awful pleas to their Elder God masters in languages that no human tongue can speak, and summoned up horrible, shapeless wraith-demons from the bowels of Hell. These foul-smelling specters were then voted into the CEO positions of various banking houses by their boards of directors, where they took the brunt of popular discontent, eventually being removed by exorcism.

In the ensuing economic chaos, Americans gave their ugliest impulses free rein. Attempting to placate the widespread anger at any company even vaguely associated with the American financial system, President Obama ordered that the Peanuts gang be rounded up and confined an to “internment camp” as a result of their shameless shilling for Met Life. In later generations, Van Pelt v. United States, the Supreme Court decision that validated this executive order, would be seen as a stain on American jurisprudence, though Michelle Malkin would attempt to defend it in her book Very Good Grief: The Case For Locking Up That Lucy Bitch And Throwing Away The Key.

But then President Obama gave everybody puppies! Lots and lots of puppies! And everyone loved their puppies and played with them and threw balls for them to fetch and rolled around on the ground with them and scratched their heads and said “WHO’S A GOOD DOG? WHO? WHO?” And everything was finally perfect, until the puppies grew up into an enormous pack of feral dogs who turned on us when we ran out of food.

Hey look, it’s two grossly obese furries arguing! It’s the perfect metaphor for our political system!

Oh, wait, didn’t I say I wasn’t going to — aw, crap.

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37 COMMENTS

  1. … an immediate, intense erection that leads you to try to copulate with everything in sight for the next four hours, at the end of which you die of a massive heart attack.
    In other words, a typical Tuesday.

  2. Rush is right for once, he is the Republican Party. He’s a Scum sucking, weasel wording, flatulence inspiring, child molesting, tax evading, mentally uninspiring, closeted butt sexing asshole.

  3. [re=242965]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “Rush is…a…closeted butt sexing asshole.”

    I’ve always suspected that Rush was gay. Sort of like a modern J. Edgar Hoover.

  4. I’ll tell you what gets older than stimulus jokes, that the republicans got us into an absurd level of debt, and now they are being so very fiscally responsible. Wads.

  5. [re=242968]BillyClubb[/re]: “I’ve always suspected that Rush was gay. Sort of like a modern J. Edgar Hoover.”

    Don’t be so kind…I’d liken him more to John Wayne Gacey.

  6. Next up for Rush-as-a-furry political imagery: Limbaugh as the head lemming leading the Republican pack over the edge of the cliff of political marginalization. Caption it “Rush to the Abyss” or somesuch.

    Hey, maybe I should get into this racket.

  7. On a side note, I have been backstage at a Sesame Street shoot, with a full complement of Muppeteers assembled, and it was, in general, not sad or weird, just awesome.

  8. [re=242965]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Hey. Saying Rush is gay is an insult to homosexuals worldwide. They are a kind, tasteful people, who enjoy being active in their community. Rush is just a small little man trying to control as many semi-retarded people as physically possible.

    And even a gay man wouldn’t hold a cigar in his mouth with as much relish as Limbaugh.

  9. I’d glad take a puppy for my portion of the stimulus bill. It’s better than the bowl of gruel without the gruel (with a $1T invoice attached) handed out by the GOP for the last 8 years.

  10. Who gives a ratfuck if the stimulus has “pork” or “pet projects” in it? The fact that it’s spending is what stimulates the economy, as opposed to the anti-stimulus of the last eight years, aka “robbing us fucking blind.”

  11. Rush Limbaugh furry aside (oh god my spellchecker recognizes “Limbaugh”), David Horsey is probably my favorite political cartoonist; I just really like his style. He puts more loving detail on illustrations of sexy lady bodies than any non-Art-Frahm artist I can think of. I mean, look at this
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/horsey/popupV2.asp?SubID=4448&page=6&GTitle=Horsey%27s%2025%20favorites%20from%202008

    or this
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/photos/popupV2.asp?SubID=3870&page=4&GTitle=Horsey%20on%20the%20Environment

    Sexy Eve, of course
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/photos/popupV2.asp?SubID=3870&page=22&GTitle=Horsey%20on%20the%20Environment

    Even the donkey in the background here
    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/horsey/popupV2.asp?SubID=4448&page=14&GTitle=Horsey%27s%2025%20favorites%20from%202008

  12. [re=243035]lenorecutie[/re]:
    Dear Worldwide Homosexuals,
    By calling Rush a closeted butt sexing asshole I did not mean to offend. Rush has the ability to bring down any one or any group he is associated with so I fully understand your concern. In my defense, I contend that a closeted butt sexing asshole is not a homosexual but entirely different beast all to its own. A nasty, vile, smelt fucking beast that has no right to…. Oh crap. There I go again. Next memo will be my apology to smelt fuckers. Sorry.
    MG

  13. The Uncle Same cartoon disclaimer at the bottom of the page:

    “In the event of a recession lasting more than 4 quarters, seek immediate financial services industry help to avoid long-term portfolio injury.”

  14. [re=243127]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I know, because the implication is that some how recalling poison from our markets is somehow ‘out of control.’

  15. [re=243135]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Okay. I just want to make sure people know the difference between someone who enjoys have sex with someone of his/her gender, and someone who enjoys fucking people for reasons of pure evil/perversity.

  16. [re=242968]BillyClubb[/re]: In your first sentence you seem to be suggesting correspondence with a defining characteristic of the Republican party…

  17. These foul-smelling specters were then voted into the CEO positions of various banking houses by their boards of directors, where they took the brunt of popular discontent, eventually being removed by exorcism.

    … thus providing a nice bit of good PR for Bobby Jindal, Ghost Buster.

  18. [re=243185]MarieDeGournay[/re]: [re=243127]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Yeah, clearly the guy thought “Peanuts. And . . . and peanuts!” And went on to create an epic fail of funnee. Also shows a lack of comprehension of the situation bordering on the oblivious, as one of the things that has been most terrifying to me about it has been the revelation of how hobbled and powerless the FDA is in terms of overseeing and/or taking criminal action against the companies responsible. This guy, he is no Mike Luckovich, to be blunt.

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